snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

The More You Know Fall 2015 – Probably shouldn’t but will.

by Marines September 4, 2015 Sentiments
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Things around here continue to be as crazy as I say they are every time I write an update. We’re basically behind on every series that we are covering, but it’s difficult when you have so many different contributors to coordinate schedules and busy life times, especially when we are all working other jobs that actually pay us.

Point is that even though we know there is a ton of stuff we owe you, there are a couple of projects in the works and one that will bring in some new faces to help out around here.

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Supernatural S04 E14 – A whole new world (of misogyny)

by Kirsti September 2, 2015 Season 4
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We open with a woman beating the shit out of some steaks with a meat tenderiser the size of Mjolnir. Her husband gets home from work and she’s all judgey about how late he is. He snaps at her, then apologises. As he gets a beer from the fridge, she tells him that she ran into a friend and they’ve been invited to a 40th birthday party at the weekend.

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Grey Chapter 10 – Sexy … asparagus?

by Jessica September 1, 2015 Books
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So right off, Grey orders a glass of Sancerre at a bar. It appears he doesn’t have the same level of hate for it as he does for Chardonnay, but with his volatile personality, who the hell knows.

The reason he’s chugging (I assume) wine at the bar is he’s waiting for Ana for their date. He’s nervous, because he’s never taken a sub out to dinner before, and that crazy Ana insisted on driving herself so he can’t control her every movement from the house onward. Other than that, he’s had a pretty normal day so far doing business stuff, including firing three people.

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The OC S03 E16 – Marissa who?

by Savannah Solis August 31, 2015 Season 3
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The OC has a special place in my heart as one of those shows that I A LWAYS wanted to watch but just never got around to it. So like other guest recappers, this should be interesting. From the title alone I’m getting a biker gang vibe or some fighting in general is going to go downnnn. This episode features a very long winded preview of what’s been going down in the OC and whoa. I have missed so much. (M: It feels like so little when you are actually watching it.)

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Dawson’s Creek S03 Wrap-Up Post

by Kirsti August 31, 2015 Dawson's Creek
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Anyway, this season felt so long that by the time we’d reached the end, I’d forgotten almost every plot point from the early episodes. Remember how Eve gave Dawson a blowjob that caused him to crash Mitch’s boat and Pacey threw a stripper party to raise money to repair it? (D: Barely.) Yeah. That was THIS SEASON. It feels like the show has morphed completely since then.

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Grey Chapter 09 – Dear god, not this again.

by Alex August 18, 2015 Books
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Grey really hates Detroit. He works real hard to suppress all of his memories from stupid Detroit, but we all know he’s really unsuccessful at that. Exhibit A is those nightmares he has about once a chapter. All of this “matters” (I use that word loosely) because he is thinking of opening an electronics plant there. He tosses the report he’s looking over aside and takes a sip of his wine.

“I toss it on the dining table and take a sip of my Sancerre. Shit. It’s warm.”

That is a really violent reaction to warm wine, Grey. Calm down.

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The OC S03 E15 – Pre-movie reunion

by Ryan August 17, 2015 Season 4
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Just a couple disclaimers for anyone who doesn’t read the comments: I have been looking forward approximately forever for Willa Holland, because Thea Queen, and was so excited to get to her episodes that I kinda sorta wanted her to destroy the core four’s world. THAT SHE DID MY FRIENDS. So I may be just a bit biased on rooting for Kaitlin’s terrible decisions. Second – because she is not /technically/ part of the main cast yet, I’m totally calling her Young Thea.

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E23 – And none for Dawson Leery

by Kirsti August 17, 2015 Dawson's Creek
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It’s been a long time coming, friends, but WE FINALLY FINISHED ANOTHER SEASON. Cue Snark Lady dance party:

Democracy Diva: YAAAS WE DID IT, LET’S DANCE WITH PACEY UNTIL HE KEELS OVER!

K: What, like you’re all surprised it features Pacey Witter? Please.

Dance party over, let’s get down to business! On the main street in Capeside, Mitch and Gail get smoochy while Mitch thoughtfully informs us that Joey is Gail’s maid of honour. This…makes literally no sense, but also I’m distracted by how hideous Joey’s shoes are.

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Supernatural S04 E13 – Back to school

by Kirsti August 15, 2015 Season 4
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We open with a preppy blonde cheerleader uttering the words “She’s such a slut,” so that we can get our misogyny shots out of the way early. The jock next to her at the lunch table says he’s “pro-slut” (SHOTS!) and asks for further details. She provides them, then stops as the girl in question approaches the table and goes to sit in her usual spot. But LOL NOPE, society is the worst and all her friends fake-cough “SLUT!” at her until she storms off to sit at another table.

Marines: She can’t see it now, but it’s a better table, far from slut-shamers and almost equally as bad, people who would ever fake cough a word.

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Charmed S02 E16 – Depression magic

by Stephanie August 15, 2015 Charmed
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Prue is at the most 90’s photoshoot ever (one of the posing dudes is wearing a metallic shirt), showing off her portfolio to an art director (?). He’s impressed with her work even though she probably threw the whole thing together over the weekend. It’s not enough to get her a job, though, because her resume shows she’s an evil job switcher. Prue asks if she can have a shot anyway and the AD agrees to give her the job if she can get a photo of Amy Adams Maggie Murphy, an unlucky Irish woman (Haha! the irony!) who used to do good things until she got unlucky. He wants an artistic photo of Maggie’s inner soul by 5 PM.

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Segue Magic: Apocalypse Dream Team

by Marines August 14, 2015 Segue Magic
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You know, it was way too fun thinking about who we would run around with at the end of the world.

Check out the videos below to find out who we’d start our apocalypse dream teams with!

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Doctor Who S03 E06 – Weird science

by Kirsti August 14, 2015 Doctor Who
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The Doctor and Martha furiously work the controls of the TARDIS, then the Doctor compliments himself on a perfect landing. Martha excitedly wants to know where they are, and the Doctor replies “The end of the line…” She clearly doesn’t hear him, and rushes out the door excitedly. Her face falls when she realises that she’s standing in her living room. The Doctor informs her that it’s the morning after they left on their trip, and she’s only been gone about 12 hours in real time.

Marines: So, basically he gets the landing and timing exactly right when he’s trying to dump someone? Cool.

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Give Yourself Goosebumps #01 “Escape From the Carnival of Horrors” – Adult Choices

by Marines August 13, 2015 Books
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*dusts off the Childhood Trauma section*

Hello friends! I know this is super weird to have a Goosebumps post up on a random Thursday but I’ve been working on this project for a long time and just couldn’t wait to publish it as soon as it was all done.

Sweeney came up with the idea of making an interactive series of videos where viewers could work their way through a Goosebumps choose-your-own-adventure book. We first collected video for this last year, but the project was shelved.

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E07 – Convenient Clues

by Jessica August 11, 2015 Pretty Little Liars
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We open on a class of students diligently at work at Rosewood High School. Just kidding! Emily is walking around the halls with her mom, who’s talking about Skype conferences with teachers while she was in Texas.

Marines: I like that the show feels it necessary to try and fill in the gap of why Emily basically doesn’t have parents. Cute, show. Like we care. 

J: That’s more effort than they’ve put into a lot of plot lines in this show. Maybe they hired some vaguely responsible-feeling writer late in the game? (M: Ha.)

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Grey Chapter 08 – Plateau of terribleness

by Jessica August 11, 2015 Books
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In a small paragraph that’s obviously just left over from last chapter, Grey informs us that he goes to bed sometime after 1 a.m. He’s excited to continue work on his new project – Anastasia Steele: Virgin.

Alex: Fucksake. He actually calls her “a new project”. We’re literally three sentences into the chapter and I’m already getting a rage migraine.

Marines: If you want to black out early, try thinking about whether incessant talk of training her is worse than “new project.”

J: Nothing is worse. We’ve just reached a plateau where everything is terrible.

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