snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Gotham S01 E15 – Butter knife coup

by Alex March 4, 2015 Gotham
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It’s a stormy night in Gotham. (M: WHAT?! It’s usually so bright and cheery.) A random guy with white hair arrives home to his Generic Gotham Apartment and grumbles about the wind blowing through an open window. He goes to shut it, but two guys in hoodies appear and grab him as he screams in terror.

Fish wakes up on the floor in some kind of prison, dashing my hopes that her leaving Gotham the city for a while also meant she would be leaving Gotham the show. Sigh. She asks the friendly-looking guy nearby if she’s dreaming, and he replies that he hopes so. Two scary-looking thugs saunter over, chuckling to themselves.

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The OC S02 E21 – Bienvenido a Miami.

by Lily March 4, 2015 Season 2
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As with many episodes, we start off in the Cohen’s kitchen, because why else would we need to see other parts of their humongous house. Although, it’s a shnazzy looking kitchen.

Marines: If past episodes are to be believed they only have one guest bedroom. I think this house is just a kitchen, a pool house and like 2.5 other rooms. IT’S ALL A RUSE.

Lily: Seth and Ryan discuss potential Spring Break plans.

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Charmed S02 E09 – Who is Barbas?

by Stephanie March 4, 2015 Charmed
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I can already tell from the title alone that this episode will be stupid. Don’t disappoint me Charmed.

Marines: It never has.

Steph: Prue takes a business call while Phoebe eats breakfast and urges her to hurry up so they can attend a Tae Bo class. LOL. Tae Bo.

Prue’s cell rings and Phoebe answers. It’s work too, with more stressful work stuff. Who cares?

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The OC S02 E20 – Cheater-feels

by Jessica B March 3, 2015 Season 2
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Cohen Kitchen: Eating cereal before school in ironed shirts and perfectly styled hair. Sure, I’ll go with this. Seth and Ryan are discussing the night before when someone almost drowned in a pool. Ryan claims that although Trey confessed, he couldn’t possibly be a drug dealer and he understands all about the desire to “save Marissa Cooper”. Seth seems to think it’s something in their DNA, much like oddly styled hair. I don’t know much about this show, I suspect because I was heavily invested in Desperate Housewives during this time period (a choice I stand behind after watching this episode). But I do know I have always intensely disliked Marissa Cooper. So I have instant dislike for Ryan and his Marissa-saving brother.

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Pretty Little Liars S04 E22 – Your brain on drugs

by Marines March 3, 2015 Pretty Little Liars
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Spencer is in her room unpacking the bag she took to rehab and snapping at her mom. She apologizes and says that she’s just irritable because of that whole ‘kicking her drug habit’ thing. Mariska Mom takes it in stride, which is the least she can do after being a horrible mother 95% of the time. Spencer has some weird flashbacks to the night Ali died and her mom suggests she get some rest.

Jessica: Well, PLL solved Spencer’s rehab the same way Gotham solves everything — skip to the end.

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The OC S02 E19 – Coffee drinking drinking game

by Rachel March 2, 2015 Season 2
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Sandy’s having his morning coffee, thinking about what kind of bagel he feels like this morning. Ryan’s brother, Trey, also recognized as “NOT Gavin DeGraw” walks into the kitchen. Today’s the day! Today’s the day Trey moves out of the Cohen commune and into his own place. Sandy’s all like “PRAISE! I have enough troubled youth on my hands, but call me if you need anything.” Trey’s like, “Nah, I’m ok. You guys have done too much for me already. Not many people would take in an ex-con; Ryan’s lucky to have you.”

BROTHER BURN.

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Segue Magic: Parental torment and 1000 posts!

by Marines February 28, 2015 Segue Magic

As promised, these Segue Magic posts will now be once a week wrap-up posts. This one is kind of a doozy because we made a little scheduling switch. Sweeney’s videos will be going up on Mondays, Kirsti’s on Wednesday and mine will be up on Fridays.

Since we made that switch in the middle of a topic, we have a few more videos to share with you than normal, but for the most part, these posts will only feature three four-minute videos going forward. Basically what I’m saying is, “SORRY FOR SO MUCH OF OUR FACES!”

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How to Get Away With Murder S01 E11 – Truth over Brussels sprouts.

by Marines February 26, 2015 How to Get Away With Murder

Annalise is in a hotel room somewhere, crying in bed. She gets up to grab some alcohol from the mini-bar, then we cut to her eating some delicious pasta, ignoring a call from Nate and hopping back into bed. We see this happen again and again- eat, drink, sleep drink- as title cards let us know that this is all taking place from Christmas to New Years. Plus, the show plays to its strengths and we get a few quality shots of Viola Davis’s Tears.

Democracy Diva: First of all, there are worse ways to spend a holiday season. Second, I would wear the shit out of a perfume called Viola Davis’s Tears.

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Supernatural S03 E06 – How the sass tables turn

by Kirsti February 25, 2015 Season 3
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A young woman runs along an abandoned dock at night in tiny shorts and a sports bra. I roll my eyes so hard they nearly fall out of their sockets because no woman on earth would go running alone at night dressed like that. (A: +1.) She stops to get a drink at a water fountain, then looks up when there’s a crack of thunder. She sees a ghostly sailing ship float past, then vanish. She runs off, looking freaked out.

Cut to her house, where she’s showering. Segue: does anybody actually do a shampoo advert style hair flip in the shower? Because I call bullshit. It just makes the ceiling wet and drippy.

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Gotham S01 E14 – Don’t wear it out.

by Marines February 24, 2015 Gotham
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Yes, I’m doing another Gotham recap because we’re real behind and Sweeney is “too busy” to do these recaps. Mmmhmm.

Kidding! I love Sweeney and am totally okay taking one for the team. I also expect an extra round or two of alcohol when I see her face in April. So.

Sweeney: I mean, you already resolved to steal all the wine all the time always because of some other thing that happened in some other recap. I don’t really remember except that you’re gonna steal wine and also I’m tired and now I’m also stalling because fuck this show. But yeah, sure, lots-o-booze, girl. Promise, promise.

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Snark Squad Sentiments: The Fifty Shades of Grey Movie

by Marines February 24, 2015 Fifty Shades

When we finished recapping the entire Fifty Shades series, Sweeney and I decided to record vlogs discussing our feelings about the project as a whole. Sweeney put together a lovely video that remains one of my favorite things ever. I… never did it. Blame some combination of permanent trauma and lack of words. After two years of recapping this series chapter by chapter, I had very little else to say.

This is probably my punishment, then, for having flaked out on that final vlog. Yes, I went to go see the movie and yes, I have more feelings than could truly be captured during my live-Tweeting, so yes, I’m doing the movie post. I also realize that the Internet has talked this entire thing to death and many people have already published their reviews and thoughts. Stick around, though, for: 1- for my take on the movie after being so, so familiar with the source material 2- a bonus little video and 3- an announcement!

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Dawson’s Creek S03 E10 – Needs more Pacey. REALLY.

by DemocracyDiva February 23, 2015 Dawson's Creek
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Shrine O’Spielberg. Dawson is watching his Really Dumb Witch Island Movie. Joey climbs in the window just to make us all aggravated when the episode has barely begun. Dawson is nervous about an upcoming screening of his Laughably Terrible Witch Island Movie, but Joey reassures him that it’s great and will help him make his dreams come true or some bullshit like that. (K: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Sure it will, Joey. Sure it will.)

Joey also helpfully exposits that she has a contrivance college tour this weekend where she’s staying with a random student.

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Gotham S01 E13 – 10 minute plot points

by Marines February 21, 2015 Gotham
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Murder Warehouse. You can tell by the lighting. Fish is brought in and strapped to a table. She laughs a little even when the transport baddies introduce her to Bob, her torturer. Bob even does a little evil rubber glove snapping, because we need at least one cliche in the first minute, amIright?

Sweeney: We watch a lot of TV – this show is just trying to helpfully assure us that we’re on the right show.

Mari: Jada Pinkett Smith and a cliche? Yep. Gotham.

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Dollhouse S02 E02 – Knife Murderer

by Stephanie February 20, 2015 Dollhouse
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We open in the imprinting room with Paul approaching and then curiously fondling the chair. He walks around it a bit before sitting down and making a constipated face.

Sweeney: Watching TV I often find myself wondering at the frequency with which the direction was clearly, “Now look real constipated!” This has to be on purpose. I refuse to believe this constipated face epidemic is pure coincidence.

Marines: Plus, the only reason to sit in the nefarious, mind wiping chair is because you are constipated and you need to sit ASAP because of discomfort.

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Doctor Who S02 E04 – Time helps you get a head.

by Kirsti February 18, 2015 Doctor Who
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We open at Versailles in the height of its opulence. Courtiers run and scream from an unseen threat. A man in a red velvet coat approaches a woman in a dress four times wider than she is, and tells her that they have to go. It’s Sophia Myles, who I know better as Beth from Moonlight and Beth from Spooks. Also as Fanny Price’s little sister from the Mansfield Park movie.

Marines: MOONLIGHT! It is my far away dream to recap some one-season-wonders a la Firefly, and Moonlight is way high on that list. Also, Sophia Myles was dating David Tennant at this point, which is fun.

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