snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Designated Survivor S01 E09 – Wearable Wallpaper

by Dani Denatti March 16, 2017 Designated Survivor
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We begin at night, in some random office building. A middle-aged guy sits in his cubicle, looking around furtively as he copies something onto his laptop. Then we get an aerial shot of him sitting in a bathroom stall, opening said laptop with a screwdriver, and then removing a tiny storage chip from the hard drive inside it. Not sure that’s a thing, but let’s go with it. (S: The only way to survive SnarkTV, really.) He places the chip into a tricked-out quarter that opens to reveal a cavity that perfectly fits a tiny storage drive. Cool!

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A Series of Unfortunate Events S01 E04 – Impotent Rage

by Marines March 15, 2017 A Series of Unfortunate Events
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Look away, look away!

Lemony says there is no word to describe waking up and knowing instantly that something is wrong. (Dani: Sure there is: “Monday”) (Annie: Truth.) This is what happens to the Baudelaires the morning after we last saw them (bad feeling, not Monday), as they wake up to the sun rising and not thanks to their Uncle Monty.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 16 – Peak FUBAR

by Catherine March 14, 2017 Books
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Jacob wakes up (-_-) on the floor when Edward decides that it’s time to cool Bella down. He heads out with Leah to do “the deep run” while Seth stays on patrol. They don’t find anything. I just recapped 3 pages. You’re welcome.

Marines: I love these reminders that this is way too many words to describe boring crap and utter horrors. 

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20 Reasons Buffy the Vampire Slayer Endures – #BuffySlays20

by Marines March 13, 2017 Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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Almost five years ago, our baby website decided to expand from its usual fare (the terrible books we read as children) to cover a TV show. At the insistence of my friends, I’d watched the pilot episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer even before the founding of the blog. In fact, “Childhood Trauma” was the first name of this blog, thanks to the classic line in the pilot. When it came time to pick a show to cover here, it seemed natural to start with Buffy.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 15 – Building up to baby love

by Catherine March 13, 2017 Books
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The title of this chapter is ‘Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock’, which is appropriate because I can feel my life slipping away as I read it. (K: Samesies.) (A: Ditto.)

We begin with Jacob thinking more about Leah and how much he hates her. This time it’s because, although Leah is ‘trying hard’ to think less aggressive thoughts, (I guess?) she still doesn’t like the vampires and she doesn’t like Jake and Seth’s friendship with them. Jake realizes, though that Leah has been less of a bitch to him and wonders if it’s because he understands her hostility better now.

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Charmed S03 E07 – Andy-love

by Stephanie March 8, 2017 Charmed
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The episode begins with Cole and Phoebe kissing in bed, so I already don’t like it. Phoebe says that she feels like Cole pulls away whenever they get close, and he responds by literally pulling away and turning from her. (M: Wow. Phoebe is good at picking up on these things.) Phoebe presses a bit more for some truth and Cole transforms into his demon form and attacks her while going “RAWRRR.” Just kidding! It’s a nightmare.

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After Chapter 24 – Very pure intentions.

by Samantha March 7, 2017 After
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So Tessa can’t focus on studying and decides to try a shower. Showers are a sort of magic so it helps relax her, and she realizes that she’s nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. I mean, can you believe it? She’s nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin! Wow.

Marines: She “realizes” this even though we’ve suffered through 24 what-are-chapters of her being nervous and confused when it comes to Hardin. This girl is 139 characters short of a full Tweet.

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After Chapter 23 – If you can’t say vagina, you can’t have vagina.

by Marines March 7, 2017 After
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Tessa meets with Landon to study. She tells us that it took her an hour to organize all her notes after Hardin threw them around LIKE A DICK. I’m convinced that you can add LIKE A DICK to any action Hardin takes and it’s 100% accurate. (S: This shall be fun.) Tessa wants to tell Landon about it but “I don’t want him to think badly of me.” Ummmmm, why would he think badly of you after some jerk threw around your stuff? (S: Yup, this reeks of victim blaming mentality.)

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 14 – New pants saga

by Annie March 7, 2017 Books
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Jacob returns to the Cullens’ house to find Edward has left out a set of clothes for him. He takes the clothes that reek of vampire back to the forest to make sure Edward hasn’t played a trick on him or given him ladies clothes or something. Because cross dressing is both HILARIOUS and something to be embarrassed and ashamed about. Haha, lol.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 13 – Wolves and their shorts.

by Catherine March 6, 2017 Books
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Hi, hello there! I’m back from 1- Three business trips in a month 2- moving into a new apartment in a nearby city 3- CATCHING THE FLU and 4- having Breaking Dawn be number 247 on my list of overall priorities. Luckily for you all (?), I missed you guys and so here we are.

Annie: I don’t know if I’d use ‘lucky’ and Breaking Dawn in the same sentence, but let’s do this. 

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Gilmore Girls S01 E07 – Dean ruiner.

by Gina February 11, 2017 Gilmore Girls
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We open in the town square, prepping for one of their adorably ridiculous town festivals (get used to these – there are a lot of them!), with Lorelai bemoaning the fact that she hasn’t had clean underwear in three days. When Rory asks what she’s wearing under her skirt, she replies with, “Not underwear.”(#RoleModelMom) In Connecticut. In October. Without stockings or anything. It could not be more clear that the show was produced in California.

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A Series of Unfortunate Events S01 E03 – Everyone dies.

by Marines February 9, 2017 A Series of Unfortunate Events
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Credits, which now allude to the fact that the Baudelaires are with Dr. Montgomery. The song tells us up front that this adult is also going to be bad at adulting, so cool. On the bright side, I didn’t know I could love these credits more, but they are CUSTOMIZED. I already know I want to rewatch all the credits once I finish the series and my memory is more fresh on what all the little tidbits are. (S: Agreed, this is a very exciting development.) (A: They were a little spoilery, but it brings me joy, so.)

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Charmed S03 E06 – Empathetic

by Marines February 8, 2017 Charmed
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Prue is in the kitchen trying to telekinesis a fork off the counter. We hear the tinkle that usually follows her powers, but the fork won’t move. Phoebe walks in having some kind of a fashion meltdown, but since her Pocahontas-inspired handkerchief top is no worse than 99% of what she’s always wearing, IDK what the emergency is. When Phoebe realizes that Prue can’t move the fork, she worriedly asks if Prue’s lost her powers. Prue says you can’t lose what you never had and disappears.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 12 – Blood drinking for beginners

by Catherine January 25, 2017 Books
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This chapter is titled “Some people just don’t grasp the concept of unwelcome.” Yeah, and one of those people is Stephenie Meyer in publishing this abomination of a book.

Ahem.

Catherine: We can high five on that.

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A Series of Unfortunate Events S01 E02 – Literally

by Marines January 24, 2017 A Series of Unfortunate Events
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Look away, look away, look away.

Didn’t? Okay.

Samantha: This theme song gets stuck in my head in a big way.

Annie: This song has been keeping me up at night, stuck in my head.

Dani: As a child of the 80’s, the “look away” lyrics just give me nasty Chicago 19 flashbacks.

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