snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Eclipse Chapter 22 – Wake the hell back up.

by Annie August 29, 2016 Books
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We open the chapter with Bella, fully dressed, stuffed into her sleeping bag, in the tent with Edward. Bella is freezing and to hit it home, Meyer uses this fun device where Bella is stuttering and beyond just telling us that, she gives us this:

“W-w-w-w-w-what t-t-t-t-time is it?” – I forced the words through my rattling teeth.

That is so unnecessary and annoying.

Marines: Aaaaaand we found this recap’s single phrase that describes the whole series. “This is so unnecessary and annoying” can join such greats as “Shut up, Edward” and “I hope the baby vampires eat you all.”

Catherine: Also: “What have we done to deserve this?”

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BrainDead S01 E05 – Bacon-wrapped Beefcake

by Dani Denatti August 26, 2016 BrainDead
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The “previously on BrainDead” songs have quickly become one of my favorites things about this show. Whatever you do, don’t fast-forward through them.

Marines: “You can count on him when booty calls.” 

Perfection.

Dani: This episode begins right where the previous one left off — with Laurel repeating what she just said because Anthony couldn’t hear her. He claims it’s just his tinnitus, which is worse in the morning, but Laurel and I remain skeptical. Then he tells her he has to get to work and asks if he can use her restroom.

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E13 – Just A-ing around.

by Samantha August 25, 2016 Pretty Little Liars
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I love a good holiday episode. This one starts with the girls walking outside on a picturesque Hollywood Christmas set, otherwise known as a street in Rosewood. Spencer says that since she’s out on bail for murder she’s not really vibing Christmas. Fair. Her and Toby agreed to just surprise each other with gestures. Hannah confuses gestures with jesters and I love her. They decide to write wishes down on paper snowflakes for a wish tree. Hannah sadz that the last time she was here she was with Mona. This throws us into a brief flashback that I feel comfortable calling an Ali-back just because Hannah is looking very Ali here. Mona and Hannah giggle and declare themselves bffs.

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Dawson’s Creek S04 E09 – Have Yourself a Snobby Little Christmas

by Chelsea August 25, 2016 Dawson's Creek
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Lights up on Leery Manor as Dawson and a girl that COULD BE JOEY are in his room watching movies. Only just kidding, it’s totally Gretchen. And the movie they’re watching is one of Mr. Brooks’. Dawson laments that he wants to hate Mr. Brooks’ work (wonder what it’s like to want to hate something that badly, hmmm blonde spider?) but then goes on to call it a ‘heartbreaking work of staggering genius’ and I’m throwing up too hard to wonder if it’s hyperbole.

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Supergirl S01 E16 – Damn that pencil skirt.

by Catherine August 24, 2016 Season 1
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Hey guys! Yes, we are still doing Supergirl reviews even though it takes me a million years to get around to doing mine every time. BECAUSE LISTEN I HAVE A LIFE (I don’t. I’m just forgetful.) (S: We <3 you though.) (C: *heart eyes*)

Anyway, I’m giving you previouslies since it’s been a few weeks since we did the last episode.

Previouslies: We’re reminded that Astra got bummer stabbed and died and Alex finally told Kara that she was the one that did it, Siobhan kissed Winn against all logic and reason, and Lucy broke up with Jimmy.

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Eclipse Chapter 21 – Angry moisture

by Marines August 24, 2016 Books
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Bella wakes up and describes what the sky is doing, and I’m telling you just in case you maybe forgot that is a thing Meyer does in 90% of her chapters. Edward leaves Bella alone so she can get dressed and she tells us that she’s thankful for this moment to think. I guess the down side of having your boyfriend around every waking moment and, hey, also around watching you sleep is that you feel like you never have a chance to think.

Annie: Edward doesn’t want to give her time to think because that would give Bella the opportunity to realize how toxic and awful their relationship is, and she might try to leave the relationship. And abusive partners hate when that happens.

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BrainDead S01 E04 – Liberal Tourette’s

by Dani Denatti August 23, 2016 BrainDead
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We begin with the best previously song yet:

“Have you no sense of decency? My God, you monsters… not the cat!”

Marines: This song is basically doing our job for us.

Dani: (Shhhh…)

The action starts in an apartment building where a woman named Jules (Natalie Gold) meets her next-door neighbor, Noah (Michael Esper), for the first time.

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The OC S04 E10 – Endearing but WHAT EVEN?

by Marines August 22, 2016 Season 4
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Taylor visits Ryan during his break because she has the perfect Valentine’s Day present for him, even though Valentine’s Day is weeks away. Her perfect present? A scrapbook, complete with signed letter for her divorce lawyer, sneaky pictures she took of Ryan on her camera phone and their hospital bracelets from that one time they were in a joint coma. Ryan just makes some really uncomfortable noises.

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Eclipse Chapter 20 – Why me?

by Kirsti August 22, 2016 Books
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I skipped ahead to see what happens in this chapter and I only have one thing to say: WHY ME? WHY DO I KEEP BEING PUNISHED BY THE CHAPTER GODS?

Just hang on while I mentally prepare myself, you guys.

Marines: Kirsti. GET IT TOGETHER. We are ALL being punished by the chapter gods.

Catherine: This book is like Russian Roulette but the gun is fully loaded. 

K: Pretty much exactly.

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The More You Know Fall 2016 – Let’s try this again…

by Marines August 20, 2016 Sentiments
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Hello friends!

The last time I wrote one of these posts it was this same time last year to announce this very same thing. Where this might usually be the place where I lament the slower pace of things around here, I’m actually really proud of how much we were able to do over the last year. Considering all the personal things I went through, plus the fact that we’ve changed the roster a bit around here, we did good. We do things as best we can and as quickly as we can. We pour all our love and snark into each post.

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Dawson’s Creek S04 E08 – Karma chameleon

by Kirsti August 18, 2016 Dawson's Creek
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Capeside High, first thing in the morning. Everyone wanders around yawning until some random kid runs into the middle of the hall and starts yelling that everyone has to see what’s happened to the swimming pool. I guess Capeside High has a swimming pool now. Cool. Everyone runs after him and giggles hysterically as the camera pans across to show us that there’s a sailboat sitting in the middle of the pool with “CLASS OF 2001” written on the sail, and a golden retriever on board. It’s the principal’s boat and the principal’s dog, and he’s pretty pissed about it. Amusingly, the pissy principal is played by Harry Shearer, better known as the voice of Principal Skinner, Mr. Burns, Smithers, Ned Flanders, and half the other characters on The Simpsons.

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Eclipse Chapter 19 – The Lord’s Work

by Catherine August 17, 2016 Books
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After the excitement of last chapter, Bella is all tuckered out and Daddy!Edward has to carry her home in his arms and put her to bed. I assume he explained something to Charlie, otherwise he would’ve had to shove her in through the window and crawl in after her like you do when you’re trying to move a big couch.

Marines: Yeah, I’m assuming that’s what happened. He was probably like, “meh. She’s asleep anyway *shove*.” 

Annie: I wonder how Charlie feels about co-parenting his teenage daughter with her teenage boyfriend. Because I think it would make me homicidal.

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Charmed S03 E03 – Not those kinds of tweens.

by Stephanie August 17, 2016 Charmed
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Piper is tending to the bar at P^3 when Leo comes in. He needs to talk with her, but first they have to get their no-chemistry kissing on. When they break away, Leo says that he came to say goodbye because The Powers That Be won’t ever let them be together and all the usual nonsense we’ve been over a zillion times. His voice gets all dream-echoey and Piper can’t hear what he’s saying anymore even though it still sounds pretty clear to me. He backs away, mouths, “I love you,” and tinkles away. It’s a bit early for my gag-reflex to kick in, but there it is.

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The OC S04 E09 – Are you my daddy?

by Marines August 16, 2016 Season 4
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Summer is in bed staring at her ugly engagement ring. Taylor walks in, asking for help with her resolutions. So far she’s got “get a job and stop mooching off of other people’s families” and “take calcium supplements.” That’s basically it.

Samantha: Taylor, if you’re gonna take calcium you might as well take iron, too. Get a well rounded supplement system going. 

Mari: After a beat, Summer suggests she add one more thing: plan Summer’s wedding.

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BrainDead S01 E03 – It’s Not Poetry

by Dani Denatti August 15, 2016 BrainDead
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Once again, we begin with a recap song by Jonathan Coulton:

After the previouslies, we open on Senator Ella Pollack (Luke’s new rival for party Whip), who’s home with a cold. She gets a conciliatory arrangement of cherry blossoms from Luke, although it was actually Scarlett who sent them. Luke and Ella decide they’d rather work together than against each other, and they agree to talk soon. Luke tells Scarlett she’s a genius, and I throw up a little in my mouth.

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