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BrainDead S01 E12 – Another Fine Mess

by Dani Denatti December 2, 2016 BrainDead
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Our singing recapper (aka THE BEST THING EVER) (M: I’m gonna miss it so much) tells us what happened last week:

We begin with Luke telling Laurel about the bug briefing he got from Bob Isenstadt, the grandfatherly “Director’s Director” of the CIA. Laurel is rightfully suspicious, but Luke thinks she should be happy because this means she was right all along, and now the professionals will handle the crisis. He tells her she has to back off and let the CIA do their job.

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Designated Survivor S01 E07 – Health Inspector Tom

by Marines December 1, 2016 Designated Survivor
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We pick up right where we left off, with the FBI examining Nassar’s dead body. Atwood instructs some soldiers to bring him the names of anyone who handled his food, DNA, fingerprints and camera footage. Atwood then walks to Hannah and very shiftily comments that now no one knows the truth about Nassar. Hannah’s like, “uh, we do…?” But they don’t have proof. Hannah says they need to follow-up with the one lead they have: Catalan. Atwood is scared, though, because if they are the only two who know about Catalan, that means they’ll be targeted next.

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Gilmore Girls S01 E02 – That girl with the Daisy Dukes on.

by Marines December 1, 2016 Gilmore Girls
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Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the porch. Lorelai is painting Rory’s toenails red while she squirts whipped cream into her mouth. Lorelai tells Rory that she’s starting private school the next day and private school girls are bad girls and bad girls wear red polish. She clearly subscribes to Bad Girl Styling school of thought. Lorelai asks if Rory is nervous about starting Chilton. Rory jokes that she wasn’t until she heard all about these bad girls.

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After Chapter 16 – Nature is the cruelest mistress.

by Marines November 29, 2016 After
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So we pick up with Hardin choosing Dare and then staring at Tessa in a way that makes her think she’s the one who has been dared to do something. Which is just untrue, so Hardin’s gaze must have some sort of drug that makes you confuse actual facts.

Marines: ROOFIE GAZE!

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After Chapter 15 – D stands for…

by Marines November 29, 2016 After
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So, for reasons that are beyond you, me, and every thinking person, Tessa is going to another party. This time, she’s almost forced to wear some tight jeans because after one week at school, she has to do so much laundry, she doesn’t have many other options. Sure, Tessa. I’m sure. Also, she pairs her tight jeans with a button up shirt, but it’s black and sleeveless and has some lace on the shoulder and we all know lace is code for sin. We get confirmation of this when Stephanie says she actually likes Tessa’s outfit today. She offers Tessa some eyeliner again, but Tessa passes, remembering how it got all smeared by her tears the last time.

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Gilmore Girls S01 E01 – Emotional music and boy banter.

by Marines November 28, 2016 Gilmore Girls
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This past weekend the Gilmore Girls revival premiered on Netflix. Why not choose this moment to start our journey from the very beginning?

A title card and jaunty yet dated music bring us to a street in the quaint town of Stars Hollow.

Annie: I know it’s early for me to be already interrupting, but Pilot!Stars Hollow was filmed in a small town near Toronto. I visited it last year and all these years later, it really, really looks like Stars Hollow to me. (Sorry, sorry, sorry).

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Designated Survivor S01 E06 – #NotMyPresident

by Dani Denatti November 26, 2016 Designated Survivor
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After the previouslies, we’re taken to a prison filled with heavily armed soldiers. An orange-clad prisoner, his limbs shackled and a black sack over his head, is escorted down many, many hallways in slow motion. Eventually the dude is put in a cell and the bag is removed from his head, but even then the cameraman is weirdly coy about showing us the prisoner’s face. We know from both the previouslies and the cheater-y newscaster voiceover that the prisoner is Majid Nassar, so the super-suspenseful music and dramatic buildup to reveal his face, like everything else on this show, makes zero sense. But, hey — at least it’s consistent!

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E15 – Weird or bad acting?

by Marines November 17, 2016 Pretty Little Liars
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Prison or something. Officer Toby walks up to the front desk and shiftily hands the lady something from Lieutenant Tanner. He hangs around, though, after he’s completed this task so I’m not sure if we’re supposed to understand that Tanner didn’t really send him or that he’s horrible at dropping papers off. (S: It was the weirdest. Why is the acting direction always “make this mundane task as disconcerting as possible”?)(J: Maybe he’s just been in this show so long he doesn’t know how to NOT do it that way.)

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After Chapter 14 – Hardin is not Darcy.

by Samantha November 15, 2016 After
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We have made it all the way to Friday and Tessa is excited about spending her evening watching movies, as Steph will be at a party. I just had a flash of prognostication and this will not be how Tessa’s evening goes. She stops by a cafe and the pink haired girl from the party greets her! Oh no!

Tessa somehow remembers her name is Molly and is super rude to her.

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After Chapter 13 – Extreme Hair Flip

by Marines November 15, 2016 After
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After spending 11 baby chapters at a party, the rest of the weekend goes by in a sentence and with no Hardin sightings. Tessa does go shopping for new clothes, but apparently they are more church clothes Hardin would not approve of. Tessa says it doesn’t matter, though, because she’s sworn off parties with Steph and being near or around Hardin. It’s really funny that she thinks that after spending the entire party judging people, barging into rooms with out knocking, complaining, yelling at people, and turning faucets on people’s heads while they threw up, she would ever be invited to another party, but fine.

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The OC S04 E12 – Operation: Hot Mess

by Savannah Solis November 14, 2016 Season 4
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I am back, babyyyyyyyyyy.

I also want to preface this by saying that as of now, I am on season 2 episode 5 of The OC. While last time I posted I hadn’t seen any of it, so I’d say I’m making a solid effort here folks. And once again, the “previously on” was v helpful but in the opposite way because I don’t know who half of these people are. ALSO, CHRIS PRATT????? I was so oblivious, y’all.

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After Chapter 12 – Crack whore storytelling game.

by Samantha November 8, 2016 After
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Tessa wakes up and right away notices that Steph is “snoring unattractively.” God. I just do not like you, Tessabelle. Let people sleep without your judgment clouding their auras or whatever.

She wonders how they’re going to get back to the dorms and heads out into the hallway looking for Nate. She realizes that she doesn’t even know if Nate is part of the frat, and yeah, that’s what happens when you spend more time judging on people than actually talking to them.

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After Chapter 11 – Cloudy with a chance of roses

by Marines November 8, 2016 After
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Tessa stares into amazing green eyes and she suddenly realizes that she never noticed that Hardin has green eyes before. That hardly seems like a sudden revelation since you are standing there, looking into his eyes, but okay baby girl.

Samantha: Last chapter they were glaring green eyes, now they’re amazing.

Mari: Ain’t that just symbolic of this entire story? I already know it is.

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Designated Survivor S01 E05 -The Snark Lady soundtrack.

by Samantha November 4, 2016 Designated Survivor
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The episode begins with Tom lying awake in bed at 5 am. He receives a phone call that it’s time.

In the Oval, the Admiral is going over plans to bomb the compound where Nassar is. He assures Tom that they only hit what they target so a nearby village should be safe. Seth comes in because he was summoned, but only so that they don’t tell him anything so that he’s not lying to the press. Seth mentions that it would be weird if the President wasn’t at the medal ceremony for the first responders, especially as there’s no VP to fill in.

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Dawson’s Creek S04 E14 – Throw away the wrapper.

by Kirsti November 3, 2016 Dawson's Creek
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t’s senior ski trip time! And therefore one of the Snark Ladies’ favourite episodes of this often terrible but weirdly endearing show. We open with Gretchen dropping Pacey and Joey off at school, and informing them that senior ski trip is usually batshit crazy – on her class trip, someone got pregnant, someone got arrested, and someone’s hair caught on fire. Joey gets “SAVE ME NOW” face. Pacey promises to watch out for her hair. As they turn to go, Gretchen pulls Joey aside and suggests she give Dawson a call over the weekend.

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