snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Dawson’s Creek S04 E10 – Use your words

by Kirsti September 24, 2016 Dawson's Creek
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We open in Dawson’s dark room, which is full of photos of Gretchen and kind of looks like the opening of a stalker episode of Criminal Minds. Jack asks Dawson what it feels like to have a dream come true, what with the Gretchen-kissing and all. Dawson claims that they’re just friends and that “not every kiss has to be a life altering event.” Jack basically eyerolls, because Dawson is the king of teen drama and reading too much into things.

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Eclipse Chapter 26 – A fucking monster.

by Annie September 22, 2016 Books
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The chapter opens with Bella telling us that the vampires are all so perfect they couldn’t possibly ever need or use beauty products so Alice must have filled the bathroom with stuff so Bella can cover up her ugly human face. Great.

Alice brushes Bella’s hair (K: Because a child needs both a father AND a mother. Edward can’t do it all, you guys) and Bella whines that she wants to go to La Push because she wants to go and sit by Jacob’s bedside but Alice tells her she needs to go home so Charlie won’t get suspicious. This back and forth goes on for a page and a half. Bella worries about Jacob while Alice insists she goes home to protect the alibi.

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BrainDead S01 E08 – Pass the Ketchup

by Dani Denatti September 20, 2016 BrainDead
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I could have done without the exploding head montage that begins this episode’s “previously on” song, but it was totally worth it to get to the fake prescription ad for Space Bugs. Funny how the possible side effects sound so similar to actual ads, other than the “Brain matter leakage is common but harmless” disclaimer.

Marines: The people running around in fields is fantastic. Also, on a related note, drug ads in the U.S. are RIDICULOUS.

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Eclipse Chapter 25 – A Sam of wolves

by Marines September 19, 2016 Books
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The fact that we are still recapping this is no longer a joke. (K: This is the book that doesn’t eeeeeeend, it just goes on and on my friiiiiend.)

I briefly forgot where we even are in the story, but it all came rushing back when Bella describes Victoria’s headless corpse, which Edward then dismembers. Bella laments that she can’t go over to her boyfriend and, I don’t know pet him? comfort him? cheer him on? as he dismembers a body. She does watch all of this closely, though, in case somehow dismembering a corpse hurts him.

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The OC S04 E11 – The memory of a goldfish.

by Marines September 19, 2016 Season 4
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Previously: A sexy book written about Taylor. — The Dream Lover Marines: Beautiful establishing shots. Ryan and Seth are having breakfast and bro chatting about their relationships. Seth says that it would’ve been better for Summer to break-up with him, rather than just reject his marriage proposal because now the elephant is in the room (…the truth is in ya face when ya hear the British cannons go boom…). (S: Necessary.) Ryan assures Seth that there is no elephant and no break-up. Cut to Taylor and Summer having the same kind of breakfast chat, except it’s Taylor saying that this must be a break-up because Ryan hasn’t returned any of her 17 calls. We cut back to the boys and Ryan says […]

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BrainDead S01 E07 – Pure Torture

by Dani Denatti September 14, 2016 BrainDead
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For this episode’s “Previously on BrainDead” song, Jonathan Coulton pretends he wasn’t just as worried as the rest of us when the space bugs got to Laurel.

Once again, we begin where the last episode ended — with Laurel and Gareth at the bar, trying to make things normal again, and Laurel saying she thinks bugs are eating people’s brains and making them stupid. Because that’s a totally normal thing to say.

Gareth is thrown by this, and Laurel admits she is, too. He asks about the bugs but struggles to take any of it seriously.

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Game of Thrones S06 E10 – I’m watching it burn.

by Catherine September 8, 2016 Game of Thrones
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It’s only been six weeks (at the time of writing this) between recaps, you guys. That’s like a hot second to Melisandre. And don’t pretend you didn’t need some time to digest this madness before digging in. Now that I’ve made myself feel less guilty for delaying this so long, let’s do this fucking finale.

Catherine: Ha! Smart. But honestly, we have so long until the next season starts that us delaying this long just means that you guys won’t have to wait that extra six weeks for season 7 posts to start? Maybe? 

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E14 – Stranger danger whistle

by Jessica September 7, 2016 Pretty Little Liars
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It’s 3 months later from last episode, because they don’t want to do Christmas or winter anymore. (S: Yeah, this time jump was jarring.) We open on Mona’s funeral. Our four Liars walk out of the church, commenting on the contents of the casket, which does not include a body. Nothing has been found out since Mona’s disappearance/murder, and Spencer has been the only arrest. She’s negative about the chances of the Bethany letter they discovered last episode making any difference. She thinks they should have told Detective Tanner about the perceived Holbrook/Alison affair, but Toby says Tanner wouldn’t believe them and “needs to find out on her own.”

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Eclipse Chapter 24 – Sashay away.

by Kirsti September 6, 2016 Books
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Bella’s face down on her sleeping bag. Edward strokes her knotty disgusting hair, and somehow she still knows that his hand is cold? (M: Like when you wash your hair with cold water. *cough*)  Whatever. She says that she wants to die, and I really want her to die too. (A: Me three!) Although frankly, after the abomination that was the last chapter, I want EVERYONE to die. But sadly, Edward says he’ll never let that happen. Um. So he’s NOT going to let anyone turn her into a vampire? What’s the point of this goddamn series then?! (C: Torture?) 

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BrainDead S01 E06 – Screw Those Screwworms

by Dani Denatti August 31, 2016 BrainDead
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I was pretty excited about this episode, because Aaron Tveit and Mary Elizabeth Winstead have been tweeting for weeks about filming a scene with “inappropriate salami.” MEW called it the weirdest scene of her career, and that’s saying a lot for someone who’s been in The Ring Two, Final Destination 3, and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Marines: AND PASSIONS. THE WEIRDEST SOAP OPERA EVER.

Dani: We begin with the obligatory “Previously on BrainDead” song, and I know I won’t shut up about them, but they really are the best thing ever.

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Eclipse Chapter 23 – Not far from violence.

by Catherine August 30, 2016 Books
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Oh wow. WOW. I guess I got this chapter. The Twilight gods have not smiled kindly on my today, friends. I see how it is. *sigh*

Marines: If you read that and are thinking, “why do they keep saying this? Why won’t they all accept there are no good chapters?” I can only say we are brave and endlessly hopeful in the face of adversity.

Annie: Each new chapter is just garbage in book form, each one worse than the last. I mean, it can’t possibly be worse than two boys fighting over her like Bella’s some sex companion to be won while she lays there, unconscious. Right?

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Eclipse Chapter 22 – Wake the hell back up.

by Annie August 29, 2016 Books
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We open the chapter with Bella, fully dressed, stuffed into her sleeping bag, in the tent with Edward. Bella is freezing and to hit it home, Meyer uses this fun device where Bella is stuttering and beyond just telling us that, she gives us this:

“W-w-w-w-w-what t-t-t-t-time is it?” – I forced the words through my rattling teeth.

That is so unnecessary and annoying.

Marines: Aaaaaand we found this recap’s single phrase that describes the whole series. “This is so unnecessary and annoying” can join such greats as “Shut up, Edward” and “I hope the baby vampires eat you all.”

Catherine: Also: “What have we done to deserve this?”

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BrainDead S01 E05 – Bacon-wrapped Beefcake

by Dani Denatti August 26, 2016 BrainDead
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The “previously on BrainDead” songs have quickly become one of my favorites things about this show. Whatever you do, don’t fast-forward through them.

Marines: “You can count on him when booty calls.” 

Perfection.

Dani: This episode begins right where the previous one left off — with Laurel repeating what she just said because Anthony couldn’t hear her. He claims it’s just his tinnitus, which is worse in the morning, but Laurel and I remain skeptical. Then he tells her he has to get to work and asks if he can use her restroom.

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E13 – Just A-ing around.

by Samantha August 25, 2016 Pretty Little Liars
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I love a good holiday episode. This one starts with the girls walking outside on a picturesque Hollywood Christmas set, otherwise known as a street in Rosewood. Spencer says that since she’s out on bail for murder she’s not really vibing Christmas. Fair. Her and Toby agreed to just surprise each other with gestures. Hannah confuses gestures with jesters and I love her. They decide to write wishes down on paper snowflakes for a wish tree. Hannah sadz that the last time she was here she was with Mona. This throws us into a brief flashback that I feel comfortable calling an Ali-back just because Hannah is looking very Ali here. Mona and Hannah giggle and declare themselves bffs.

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Dawson’s Creek S04 E09 – Have Yourself a Snobby Little Christmas

by Chelsea August 25, 2016 Dawson's Creek
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Lights up on Leery Manor as Dawson and a girl that COULD BE JOEY are in his room watching movies. Only just kidding, it’s totally Gretchen. And the movie they’re watching is one of Mr. Brooks’. Dawson laments that he wants to hate Mr. Brooks’ work (wonder what it’s like to want to hate something that badly, hmmm blonde spider?) but then goes on to call it a ‘heartbreaking work of staggering genius’ and I’m throwing up too hard to wonder if it’s hyperbole.

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