snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Charmed S01 E18 – Insert horse chase scene

by Marines October 29, 2014 Charmed
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CRAZY MONTH HAS BEEN CRAZY. But short recap is short, so short apology: sorry. I’m going to get some help with these posts but first, I have to make it out of season 1. Here we go:

We start at a church where a man is telling a priest that he’s hearing voices in his head telling him he’s a fraud who can’t fool God. The Priest tries to comfort him, but Brendan has got an evil family and thinks evil is in his blood. Evil strolls up into the church in the form of two family members. They say they’ll be waiting outside for him, so I hope this church has a back door, or something.

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Doctor Who S01 E06 – Team Heartless Plunger

by Sweeney October 29, 2014 Doctor Who
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Sorry this post is late. I have Angel levels of, “I DON’T WANNA,” feelings about this right now, but seeing the episode title, I’m moderately excited because I know that Daleks are A THING and literally the only reason I am watching this show is because I hate feeling left out of cultural references and this show I don’t yet enjoy watching happens to be a BFD with my corner of the internet. “Ha! I get that joke!” I will say as I laugh into my internet martinis and choke them back a little faster so I don’t have to share my true feelings.

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Supernatural S02 E17 – That’s murder, dude

by Kirsti October 29, 2014 Season 2
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San Francisco. A pretty young brunette (Madison) is getting drinks with her friends when her boss approaches and says he needs her back at the office because they have a ton of work to do. She calls bullshit. He sheepishly admits it, then begs for a lift. She calmly says she’s already called a cab. He walks away, and Madison and her friends laugh. But she stops when she spots a surly looking dude in a leather jacket staring at her creepily from across the bar. She looks worried. Cut to her walking to her car alone. GIRL, NO. When she gets in her car and drives off, Leather Jacket Stalker follows. Cut to Madison’s office the following morning. She’s making coffee when she spots blood on her boss’ office door. She finds him dead on the desk, chest ripped to shreds.

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Veronica Mars S02 E18 – Expository dreams

by DemocracyDiva October 28, 2014 Season 2
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In what I thought was a flashback but is definitely a dream, Veronica envisions herself on the bus, with the bus crash victims. She’s crying, and there’s a girl in a tee shirt that says “I <3 DICK,” so, um, yeah. I have absolutely no idea what’s going on, and that’s a feeling that will continue throughout this episode. Back in reality, someone wakes Veronica up and sends her to the school counselor. Veronica defends her bad behavior to the guidance counselor (namely, wearing headphones and sleeping in class, ripping down other students’ posters, etc.) and jokes that she’s being haunted by the bus crash victims. Except she’s really not joking – she’s seeing them every time she tries to fall asleep. She goes through all the victims – literally flipping through headshot-esque photos of them, which I do not understand – and asks the counselor about a janitor named Lucky that Meg used to talk about.

Marines: She stole the headshots from another student’s posters, which is part of the questionable behavior the guidance counselor is concerned about.

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Pretty Little Liars S04 E11 – ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

by Sweeney October 28, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
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At Rosewood High School for Processing your Stalkers, the Pretty Little Liars recap the last episode for us – the squatter in the DiLaurentis crawlspace and CeCe blaming all of these then-14-year-olds  for getting her 21-year-old ass kicked out of college.

Marines: I feel it’s my obligation to say that one of the girls say that napping isn’t living, which is just more proof that they are doing life wrong.

Sweeney: We just need to sit them all down and have a chat.

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Dollhouse S01 E07 – Whedony humor.

by Marines October 28, 2014 Dollhouse
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Seven episodes until we got a episode named something Echo-ish. That’s some self-restraint.

Sweeney: I only give them partial credit, since they named the girl with all the glitchy remembering stuff issues ECHO. Half points.

Mari: We’re nothing if not fair.

We flashback to Caroline and Adelle, making the deal we first saw in Ghost. All Caroline wants is to be left alone, but Adelle says they are past that.

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How to Get Away With Murder S01 E05 – Magic Vagina Powers

by Sweeney October 27, 2014 How to Get Away With Murder
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Improbable Bonfire. Dumbledore’s Army: Murder Unit (D: A+) jumps from being with the body and its pool of blood on the floor to being out in the woods – basically this is the bridge between the Grimmauld Place scenes and the woodsy Lying Liar Coin Toss. Up the hill from where they’re lying low, two people are about to hook up – it’s implied that they’re a cheatery secret couple and needing to hook up with people in the miserable freezing cold is a great argument in favor of fidelity – but they stop when they hear a phone ringing. They leave rather than investigate, because nobody’s trying to get murdered investigating shady noises in the woods. (M: Not even for sex.) Laurel silences her phone very slowly (gotta get those texting gloves, girl!) and Michaela starts whisper yelling at her for telling Frank all of this. Laurel insists that Frank is just calling because she slept with him, not because she told him about the murdering. Laurel tells Michaela she’s not sharing any additional details because, “We’re Not Friends.

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Dawson’s Creek S02 E19 – CRYFACE

by Kirsti October 27, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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Outside Leery Manor, Joey and Dawson – still in their catering outfits – make out. There’s some brief discussion that’s clearly of the “we should go upstairs and boink” variety before they climb up the ladder. IS THE DOOR BROKEN?!?!?! I hate these people. (D: Cosign.) Anyway, they reach the Shrine o’ Spielberg and start kissing again, but Joey stops in surprise when she sees Jen sitting on the bed, weeping. They ask her what’s wrong, and she tearfully explains that Abby’s dead. Joey hugs her and Jen starts to sob.

Democracy Diva: A round of applause to Michelle Williams, who was a really fucking good actress SO LONG AGO.

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Supernatural S02 E16 – A sixth sense

by Kirsti October 25, 2014 Season 2
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Previously: The Trickster turned up and laid out a ton of punishment on various douchebags, and it was awesome.  Roadkill Kirsti: We open on a generic two-lane highway at night. A married couple drive along listening to House of the Rising Sun and bickering about whether or not they’re lost. The husband insists they’re taking the scenic route and the wife, Molly, gripes about being stuck in the car on their anniversary. He promises to make it up to her and leans over to kiss her neck. She gets distracted, and a man appears in the road in front of them. She swerves to avoid him and the car flies off an embankment and into a tree. Sometime later, Molly comes to […]

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Veronica Mars S02 E17 – Felixback

by Marines October 24, 2014 Season 2
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Welcome dear friends. We’ve been a little less than consistent with these recaps in the last week or two, just due to crazy IRL schedules. Veronica recaps tend to take me longer than most, too, so unfortunately they suffer when things get hectic. Sincere apologies and on we go!

We open up in a classroom at Neptune High where a cheery teacher announces that Logan is the winner of Steven Guttenberg’s essay contest on freedom. The teacher hangs up the essay in case anyone wants to read it. The bell rings and Veronica makes a beeline for the essay. She reads over a sentence or two and sasses back over to Logan. She quotes a bit of Logan’s essay, but actually, she’s quoting “Easy Rider,” which Logan made her watch while they were dating. She’s on to his plagiarizing ways.

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Pretty Little Liars S04 E10 – Fake notes

by Marines October 24, 2014 Pretty Little Liars
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The girls are trying to sneak back into school after leaving midday to try and see Jenna. They were turned away, and Hanna laments not breaking out their candy striper outfits again. Spencer is pretty sure their teacher noticed them all missing but on they sneak. And by “sneak” I mean walk at a leisurely pace and exposit loudly in the halls about figuring out who drowned Jenna.

Emily gets a text message.

Emily, girl, you need to get your priorities in order.

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Dollhouse S01 E06 – Calm Down, Paul

by Sweeney October 24, 2014 Dollhouse
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We begin with an ominous fuzzy screen title card telling us that we’re about to see Testimonial Documents in the DOLLHOUSE Interviews in Los Angeles. A reporter speaks into the camera explaining that some people in LA know of “The Dollhouse” as something seedy. Cut to an interview with a random super sketchy dude, insisting that “everybody knows” it exists. Continuing his report, the journalist explains that dating back to the 1980s, The Dollhouse is LA’s most famous urban legend and he explains quite accurately what it is before clarifying that “most everybody” regards it as science fiction. This report isn’t about the legitimacy of The Dollhouse so much as a series of MAN ON THE STREET interviews with people about their reactions to the idea of The Dollhouse. (M: You can’t see me, but I’ve giving you an imaginary Title Star, girl. Good job.) (S: Since nobody actually gets it this episode, I’m just gonna go ahead an take it.)

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Gotham S01 E05 – This show thinks you’re stupid.

by Marines October 23, 2014 Gotham
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The general consensus around #gothamsnark this week seemed to be, “ugh, I have to watch Gotham now.” Let me just add, “UGH. I HAVE TO RECAP GOTHAM NOW.” More importantly, though, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING STILL.

Here’s to you:

Sweeney: Someone on Twitter (a) was confused by my watching this show and then (b) admired our dedication. A toast to all of us who see things through to the end even as it defies our own self-interest so blatantly.

Alex: Thirded. I am so touched (and only slightly confused) by everyone’s commitment to watching along with us. You guys are the best!

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The OC S02 E07 – The Ties that B(l)ind

by Ifeoluwa October 23, 2014 Season 2
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A little backstory, I grew up watching a ton of high school dramas: Saved by the Bell, California Dreams, The OC, and the more recent Gossip Girl. I spent my formative years in Nigeria and everything I knew about the American Education system, I learned from these shows, all of the Bring it On movies and the numerous college drama themed movies I cannot remember. Imagine my surprise and indignation when I came over to the States for college and it was nothing like Hollywood portrayed. College wasn’t an endless party filled with cute, flirty boys, I never became best friends with my roommate, and everything I had been lead to believe was a damn lie!

To be fair, I attended a small liberal arts college that also happens to be the first of the Seven Sisters, and one of the few women’s colleges still in existence. Had I really wanted an All American College Experience TM, I probably should have gone anywhere but there.

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Dawson’s Creek S02 E18 – And then she dies.

by DemocracyDiva October 23, 2014 Dawson's Creek
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Shrine O’Spielberg. We immediately know Dawson is depressed/lonely because he’s hanging out with his mom. They’re watching his movie, and we still have only seen the Rachel Leigh Cook-as-Joey rows-on-the-creek part of the film. I would not be surprised if that were the entire movie. Anyway, Gail raves about how moving and beautiful it is.

Kirsti: She insists she’s not saying any of this because she’s his mother, but she totally is.

Diva: For sure. Dawson says he had a clear vision, but he couldn’t bring it to life on film. (I personally don’t think that’s his problem. I think it’s his vision that probably sucked.)

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