snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

After Chapter 38 – Broken dishes.

by Samantha June 20, 2017 Uncategorized
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Steph hugs Tessa, who finds her “frail” arms oddly comforting. That’s a weird way to describe a seemingly healthy teenager but okay.

Marines: This is how you know the author hates women: she can’t compliment Steph in ANYTHING without wrapping it in an insult. Steph just got Hardin out and is coming over to comfort her and Terrible Tess has to note how FRAIL she is before calling it comforting. 

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After Chapter 37 – Disgusting.

by Marines June 20, 2017 Uncategorized
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Just to get your romance juices flowing (or whatever) here’s the first line of this chapter:

Being the disgusting person that he is, Hardin is sitting on my bed when I return.” 

Wow. Much swoon.

Samantha: Oh no, my panties explo- oh wait, no they didn’t. They’re icy. 

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Supergirl S02 E08 – Someone called the police!

by Samantha June 19, 2017 Uncategorized
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Hello friends! It’s Thanksgiving here on Supergirl, and the episode opens with Kara using her laser vision to cook a turkey. Weird, but also what I’d probably do too. Jimmy and Winn have an annoying conversation about who should be the one to tell Kara that Jimmy is Guardian. To be clear, they are having this argument in Kara’s living room. To be even clearer, they are having this argument in the living room of the girl who has super hearing. But whatever.

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Doctor Who S05 E04 – Creeping Angels

by Marines June 15, 2017 Uncategorized
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A soldier stands in a field with a smudge of lipstick on his face. He’s kind of twirling around, indicating that he is dizzy and out of sorts. A man in evening wear (accompanied by two other soldiers) stomps very unhappily over to Dizzy Soldier and wipes a little of the lipstick smudge off his face.

We cut to Dizzy Smudge sitting in what TV has taught me can only be a super secret underground something. He’s still out of it and Angry Evening Wear Man waited until they got all the way back to the office and out of the field to declare the lipstick smudge a hallucinogenic.

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Breaking Dawn Chapter 19 – Womb Skype

by Marines June 14, 2017 Uncategorized
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Hi, hello! Remember when we were cute and recapped a whole Twilight book in a month? Ha ha ha, welcome to Breaking Dawn. (I said that in my head like “The Reynolds Pamphlet.”) (“Have you read this shit?”)

I was definitely the delay here as it was my task to edit the video below. But the delay really happened because it took full freaking weeks to read this chapter. I’m not joking.

On the bright side, A VIDEO!

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After Chapter 36 – Max Cruelty

by Marines June 13, 2017 After
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Tessa asks Hardin wtf he’s doing here even though the answer is obviously that he has some tasty Kool Aide samples for them to try. (M: OH YEAH.)

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After Chapter 35 – Yeah. Great idea.

by Marines June 6, 2017 Uncategorized
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Hey, we’re back! Whatever. Extended breaks are sometimes necessary. (S: Especially with this book, in this timeline we live in.)

In an almost direct copy and paste from every other chapter in the Fifty Shades series, Tessa wakes up next to Hardin feeling way too hot because of course these two started cuddling in their sleep. Tessa doesn’t really want to get out of bed, but she remembers Noah, who got his ass left at the dorms.

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Designated Survivor S01 E12 – Tighten your circle.

by Samantha June 5, 2017 Designated Survivor
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The previouslies remind us that Tom was shot, MacLeish was President for a bit and made some sketchy decisions, and oh yeah, ATWOOD’S SON IS I GUESS STILL KIDNAPPED? Can I tangent about this for a bit? Why has no one reported this child missing? Why has no one else noticed that this child is missing and put two and two together? What the hell?

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Supergirl S02 E07 – Gently Missing

by Catherine May 31, 2017 Uncategorized
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This episode starts with Supergirl being thrown through a wall by Martian Manhunter/Hank Henshaw who still looks like regular Hank with a Martian voice. Supergirl asks him why he’s doing this and he tells her that it’s time for her to die. Yikes! How scary! A flashback episode? Ew.

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Charmed S03 E09 – The Blood of Dwight Schrute

by Marines May 17, 2017 Charmed
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Previously: The girls found out the truth about Cole’s identity thanks to his coat. — Coyote Piper Stephanie: We open at the manor where Prue and Leo are looking at a presentation board with pictures of Piper’s high school class. Prue tells Leo that high school was tough for Piper because she was like Jan Brady, but he doesn’t get the reference. Apparently being a white-lighter means he’s never watched TV. Piper comes downstairs wearing an ugly dress that I think is supposed to be hot because a sexy saxophone tune plays.   Piper knows she looks ridiculous. Marines: How are really supposed to tell that she looks ridiculous? Phoebe would wear that to the library.  Stephanie: Piper hated high school because […]

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Pretty Little Liars S05 E17 – Splitting up saves lives

by Jessica May 16, 2017 Pretty Little Liars
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We start off in Caleb’s hacker apartment, with the “suspicious storage unit was rented in Hanna’s name” plot point. Caleb and Spencer are convinced that the barrel they found in there contains Mona’s body, without, you know, having looked inside it. Maybe they’ve been reading the Rosewood LOLPD manual on how to investigate potential crime scenes.

Marines: They also haven’t been paying enough attention to their lives to figure out that whatever they think happened is 100% not what happened.

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A Series of Unfortunate Event S01 E07 – Destroyed.

by Marines May 11, 2017 Uncategorized
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New two-parter = new credits! NPH sings, “the lumber mill is where the Baudelaires are forced to work, the eye doctor is sinister, the owner is a jerk, they end up in a fiendish plot with logs and hypnotism, the very thought of watching should be met with skepticism.”

Look away, look away, etc.

New dedication to Beatrice: my love flew like a butterfly, until death swooped down like a bat.

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Supergirl S02 E06 – Really good crying.

by Marines May 4, 2017 Season 2
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We start in Svalbaro, Norway at the Thorul Arctic Research Center. A lady scientist finds a Dr. Jones, as there is something he needs to see. Dr. Jones is played by William Mapother, who has guest starred in a bunch of stuff, was on Lost and is Tom Cruise’s little cousin. (C: I wouldn’t put that particular detail on my resume.) We cut to a lab where there is a dead wolf on a table. The lady scientist explains that they found an arrowhead in it, dating back to 3000 B.C. Dr. Jones kind of waves off the discovery, as they are climate change experts not archaeologists, but lady scientist invites Dr. Jones to touch the dead wolf. Despite having been trapped under the ice for 5,000 years, the wolf is warm.

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Doctor Who S05 E03 – Heil Dalek

by Dani May 3, 2017 Doctor Who
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This is the first episode of Doctor Who that I get to recap, and I’m so psyched to join the team that I won’t even complain about it involving stupid Daleks.

Marines: That’s a lot of excitement because UGH, DALEKS. Also, so happy to have you!

Kirsti: I’m super happy to have you too because it means I have to recap fewer episodes of the Matt Smith era!! 

Dani: #Priorities

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After Chapter 34 – Chamomile tea is not enough.

by Samantha May 2, 2017 Uncategorized
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You can stop sweating with anxiety, dear readers! Hardin goes over to the dresser and pulls out a pair of blue and white boxers that are apparently hideous. (M: How hideous can they be without cartoon characters or something on them? What’s happening?) Tessa notes that Hardin’s soon to be step mom or father must have bought clothes for him to have here. Hardin leaves the room to change because it’s really nice to have privacy and stuff and to feel comfortable and IT WOULD REALLY SUCK IF SOMEONE FORCEFULLY TOOK THAT AWAY FROM SOMEONE. Ahem.

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