snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Game of Thrones S06 E01 – It’s tradition.

by Marines April 28, 2016 Game of Thrones
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After approximately 2 weeks worth of continuous previouslies, we go to the credits: King’s Landing, Bolton Winterfaux, The Wall, Braavos, Meereen and Dorne.

Democracy Diva: WINTERFAUX. A+. That is the only thing we are allowed to call it until a Stark is safe there again. (So, that’s the only thing we’re ever gonna call it, I guess.)

Mari: We’re starting this season with the exact right expectations.

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Supernatural S05 E17 – The Kool-Aid can’t be far off.

by Kirsti April 27, 2016 Season 5
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The previouslies show us Lisa, from season 3, who has a son named Ben. It was the episode with the creepy ass children.

Kirsti: I’m sorry, you’ll have to be more specific. There are at least 2 episodes a season with creepy children…

Samantha: This segues us into the Impala burning rubber down a highway at night. Sam’s arm is injured and they are both a little frantic. They mention how they’ve never seen that many in one place before, just as the Impala screeches to a halt in front of a flaming barricade in the road.

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Grey Chapter 22 – Full stalker mode

by Jessica April 26, 2016 Books
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Grey hasn’t gone to bed yet, but since we’ve passed midnight it’s the next chapter. He broods at his piano instead. He’s mad because Ana said she would try to change for him, but in the end she didn’t. In fact, he tells himself that she “fell at the first hurdle.” Grey, I think last night was leagues away from the first hurdle. Way after the selling-your-car and stalking-your-life hurdles.

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Charmed S03 E01 – Charmednesia is real

by Stephanie April 13, 2016 Charmed

Season 3 opens with a bang. Just kidding, we’re at the Halliwell Manor as usual. Prue is in the attic, flipping through the Book of Shadows while we get some weird shots of creepy dolls and a teddy bear. I’m 3 seconds into the episode, and I’m already confused. This is going to be a great season, I can tell.

A cuckoo clock goes off and scares Prue and then Phoebe comes in and that scares her too, so much so, she magics Phoebe into some attic junk. Phoebe’s hair is now blondish, and I am not a fan. (M: Me neither. I’m sorry I complained about your old hair! Not really, but bring it back.)

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New Moon Epilogue – This is not an epilogue.

by Marines April 11, 2016 Books
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We made it!

Yeah, we fell pretty off pace there toward the end. I feel like we were way more prepared the first time around, probably because we were bright eyed and bushy tailed, even if we expected the books to be bad.

Annie: And because it had been so long since we’d read these books, we’d forgotten how absolutely awful they were! Like, really, really awful. Way, way worse than I’d remembered.

Catherine: Reliving it ten years later is somehow way worse, guys. 

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Supernatural S05 E16 – Ow, my feelings

by Kirsti April 9, 2016 Season 5
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The previouslies is basically a montage of the boys dying a million times, followed by a reminder that the Samulet and its God-finding powers are a thing, so clearly we’re in for tons of fun.

We open at the Motel of the Week. Dean’s face down in the pillow, surrounded by empty beer cans. He wakes to find two balaclava-wearing guys pointing guns at him and Sam. Sam looks freaked. Dean’s all “Must be Tuesday” about it. The guys do the typical villain here’s-my-motive-ing (Dean started the Apocalypse, Sam’s a freak blah blah whatever), and Dean realises that he knows them – the guys are hunters. Sam tries to explain, but gets shot in the chest for his trouble.

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New Moon Chapter 24 – Love means auditory hallucinations

by Kirsti April 7, 2016 Books
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You guys, we are so close to the torture being over. SO CLOSE.

This chapter is called “Vote”, so WHO KNOWS WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?!

Edward grabs Bella and jumps out the window before putting her onto his back like a baby monkey and running off into the forest. Now that she’s a daredevil and not a wuss, Bella keeps her eyes open and thinks that vampire piggyback is far superior than riding a motorcycle for thrills. She kisses Edward’s neck and he promises them both that he’ll win her trust back.

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The OC S04 E02 – Mexico is always a terrible idea

by Karina April 7, 2016 Season 4
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Ryan calls Julie while Seth wants to be connected to the pilot of a plane but no such luck because even Seth can’t bully himself into an airplane cockpit or something like that. After hanging up, Seth “accidentally” hears what Julie and Ryan are talking on the phone about – him and some investigation. (Can you tell I’m not completely up to date on my OC watching? Ahem.)

The two boys meet in the kitchen but Ryan is very withdrawn so Seth tries the direct approach of asking where Ryan is planning on going but no such luck. Seth doesn’t want to let Ryan go and find Vulture, so he gets in Ryan’s car instead refusing to leave his brother alone.

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New Moon Chapter 23 – A kind of toilet

by Catherine April 5, 2016 Books
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Bella wakes up again. At the beginning of every chapter she must wake up. It is the prophecy.

She immediately remembers she had a bad dream that was also a thing that actually happened to her and takes like, 3 paragraphs to remind us of this thing that just happened to her. 700% of this book is just Bella rehashing things that we already had to suffer through once. In another life, we Snark Ladies must have sinned terribly.

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New Moon Chapter 22 – Inconvenient tears

by Annie April 4, 2016 Books
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Previously: Bella met the Volturi, ha, ha, ha! — Annie:  The chapter opens with Demitri leaving the trio in the reception area and reminding them that they are not to leave until dark. Edward asks if someone is alright, so quietly that ‘the human woman can’t hear‘ and I’m confused because if a human woman can’t hear, how is Bella able to hear him? And then I read it again and realized that when Bella says “human woman” she meant the receptionist, Gianna. So, like, what the hell are you, Bella? Catherine: The worst. She’s the worst.  Kirsti: Meanwhile, I’m angrier about the fact that Bella tells us that Edward’s voice was “to low for the human woman to hear“. TO […]

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New Moon Chapter 21 – Smell-o-vision

by Marines April 1, 2016 Books
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Bella ends up in an “unremarkable” room, which she then remarks on for a paragraph. (K: THANK YOU. That annoyed me so much.) Edward is glowering at the hallway as Jane leads them to an elevator. Once inside, the Volturi Vamps relax and take off their cloaks so Bella can comment on their olive complexion which looks “odd” combined with their chalky pallor. Only the palest, truest white for Bella Swan.

Kirsti: She also talks about their eyes, saying that, “their irises were deep crimson around the edges, darkening until they were black around the pupils.” ….black around the pupils. Which are also black. HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU TELL WHERE THEIR IRISES ENDED AND THEIR PUPILS STARTED?!

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New Moon Chapter 20 – Sexy lamps

by Kirsti March 30, 2016 Books
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They start the climb up to the city and Bella freaks as the traffic slows down. Eventually, they realise that everyone’s being made to park and go into the city on foot. Bella tells us that it’s super windy and there’s red clothes and flags and scarves everywhere. Alice announces that she can’t see what’s going to happen any more, and that if it doesn’t work, Bella has to go in alone and run to Palazzo dei Priori. Alice tells her to run and not get lost. Shockingly, she doesn’t include “don’t fall down and hurt yourself like you always do because your sole personality trait is clumsy”.

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Supernatural S05 E15 – The Bathilda Bagshot incident.

by Samantha March 30, 2016 Season 5
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We open at a cemetery where it’s storming and hands start reaching out of the graves. Soon, a guy crawls all of the way out.

Kirsti: It was very Buffy-esque, to be honest, and I still can’t decide if it was intentional or not.

Samantha: Head cannon that it was intentional.

A man is watching an animal documentary and drinking a beer. There’s some scare fake outs and then zombie guy is in the house. He kills beer guy.

BLOOOOOOOOOD.

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New Moon Chapter 19 – Sorry about your saints!

by Catherine March 29, 2016 Books
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This chapter is TENSE. Or about as tense as Meyer’s writing ever gets. Which is kinda like a longer than normal shrug.

“We made our flight with seconds to spare, and then the true torture began.”

Um, the true torture began 424 pages ago, Bella. (A: Let’s be honest. The torture began almost two books ago.) (C: Was it ONLY two books?)

She’s referring to the fact that she has to sit and (K)stew on a plane while those bitch flight attendants ‘casually’ stroll up and down the aisles and do their normal jobs like some kind of fucking idiots.

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New Moon Chapter 18 – Glitter tears.

by Annie March 24, 2016 Books
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Bella runs down the stairs and throws the door open to find Jacob at the front door. Well, not quite at the door:

“He was standing about 6 feet back from the door, his nose wrinkled in distaste, but his face otherwise smooth – masklike.”

Kirsti: Now, friends. I want you all to do something for me. Try and wrinkle your nose while keeping the rest of your face smooth. Please send pictures. Not owning a face is clearly something that SMeyer and EL James have in common.

Annie: Just tried that. Absolutely not sharing pictures of it.

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