Snark Squad — Where nostalgia comes to die

snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Angel S01 E18 – Issues for hire

by Kirsti May 20, 2013 Angel

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We start under a freeway bridge. A dude in a beanie approaches some guys and asks what they’re burning because EW STINKY. The answer? A human arm. And the guys doing the burning aren’t so much homeless guys as they are demons with lopsided faces. I’m going to call them the Crooked Smile demons, because if I have to read about ONE MORE YA love interest with a crooked smile, I will scream and I’m secretly hoping this stops all authors from adding it to their stories.

Lorraine: High hopes, my friend, but I approve.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E18 – Nudge nudge wink wink

by Kirsti May 20, 2013 Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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First of all, Maurice Sendak would be spinning in his grave to know that the title of his book had been stolen for the trainwreck that is this episode. (S: +1, especially as I just declared my love for this book on this blog.) Second of all, I HATE THIS EPISODE SO MUCH OMFG. Right. Now that we’ve got that over with, let’s get this horrific trainwreck over with, shall we?

We open in the cemetery where Buffy, in a pair of shiny snakeskin pants, is fighting a vampire. You know, just for a change. She throws him across the cemetery to Riley who starts punching while Buffy loads her crossbow. Riley holds the vamp still for Buffy to shoot, then a blue horned demon appears out of nowhere to rescue the vamp. She drops the crossbow and heads into the fray.

Segue Magic: Internet Origin Stories (Lorraine)

by Lorraine May 19, 2013 Segue Magic

Every technical difficulty ever went into the making of this video. Eventually, I will stop feeling the need to apologize before every vlog (this one is choppy in place, due to those difficulties) but I think these are the growing pains as we iron out the whole vlogging thing. That’s what I like to tell myself so I don’t throw my laptop across the room in a Hulk rage.

As I mention in the vlog, Sweeney and I are flip flopping days next week, as she’s been traveling these last few days. That also explains why our thumbnails on the main page are all wonky. She will fix those when she gets back. (COME BACK SOON, SWEEN.)

Pretty Little Liars S01 E03 – A Shitty Turnout

by Lorraine May 17, 2013 Pretty Little Liars

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Our Pretty Little Liars are walking through a wooded area. You know, the kind where pretty girls get raped and killed and stuff. Emily is leading the other, somewhat reluctant girls back to the shed, site of the original murder-y slumber party, to build a memorial to Alison. Spencer thinks going back to the scene of the crime looks weird and Emily asks if she’s worried what other people think. Spencer is all, “UM, WE HAVE OUR OWN DETECTIVE STALKER WHO THINKS WE KILLED HER, SO YES I CARE.”

Sweeney: Word. I love how Emily tries to make it a whole BE YOURSELF! ish thing both because of the pot/kettle thing and, more importantly, being investigated for murder is a whole other level of “Yes, what other people think of you matters.”

Angel S01 E17 – That’s so raven.

by Lorraine May 16, 2013 Angel

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We start with tight shots of Angel’s and Wesley’s faces alternatively. Denisof really is a handsome man. Boreanaz truly has a prominent brow. The suspenseful music flares up as they realize all the exits are are blocked and they would be spotted right away. Just as Angel suggests shouting fire, we widen the shot to see they are watching Cordelia in a play. Wesley checks his watch: one hour left. Angel: I thought I knew eternity.

K: Punny Angel is punny.

Lor: Roll electric credits.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E17 – Jonathan Bieber

by Lorraine May 16, 2013 Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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We start with a classic Buffy beginning: our titular character is fighting off a vampire. We quickly see that the Scoobies are with her, being helpful where they can be and pointing her in the direction of a vampire who scurried away. They follow him into a crypt and find a nest of vampires who are all busy noisily slurping on a person. It’s funny to me that sometimes vampires seem to insta-drain someone, but here we get more of an extended meal. I wonder if the quick slurp ever gives them vamp-indigestion.

Sweeney: I feel like this line of thinking can’t go anywhere good.

Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 04 – Oppression

by Lorraine May 15, 2013 Fifty Shades Freed

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Grey has been locked away in the study for over an hour so naturally Ana doesn’t even know what to do with her self. She’s tried reading, watching TV and sunbathing, though she’s sure to tell us it’s full dressed sunbathing. I don’t even know what that means. Probably sunbathing in a parka, because what else screams “abuse victim on a vacation!”

Sweeney: It’s amusing when Ana “tries” to do things other than be around Christian Grey because this, like many other things in this series, is something that she talks about doing — she often tells us of her arduous efforts to DO things at the “stressful” moments in her narrative, but she almost never actually does much of anything besides wait for Christian Grey to tell her what to do.

Game of Thrones S03 E07 – Unapproved bear mauling.

by Lorraine May 14, 2013 Game of Thrones

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I gloated during my last episode about how I always get the fun credits. I should’ve learned from Buffy villains and kept the gloating to a minimum: King’s Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Ring of Fire Winterfell, The Wall, and across the Shivering Sea toYunkai.

Jon Snow and his ice-wall-climbing pack of Wildlings are walking along on the green side of the Wall. Which is confusing, because his time spent training at the wall was always very snowy and miserable. Also, there are a lot more Wildlings than I initially thought there were. They only showed us Ginger NotMance (Tormund Giantsbane), Wildling Warg, Ygritte and Jon. But, okay. There’s a whole pack of them.

Segue Magic: Internet Origin Stories (Sweeney)

by Sweeney May 14, 2013 Segue Magic

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I promise I’ll start getting these under four minutes next week. I chopped off a lot of introduction stuff, so the beginning is kind of jarring, but my rambling starts with my 7-ish-year-old self. I have nothing else to say about this video, except that I would love to gush about our late ’90s fansites in the comments. Also, that this dress was an unfortunate choice. Womp. I very seriously considered changing and re-recording, but the 20 minutes of babble I started with was exhausting enough the first time around.

Angel S01 E16 – Fight Club

by Sweeney May 13, 2013 Angel

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The episode begins with Cordelia and Wesley bickering about all the things. First it’s the name of the demon database Cordelia is using (Demons! Demons! Demons!) which is a thing whose existence I love and approve of. As all three Snark Ladies are students who get their research on occasionally, it’s amusing to watch the Buffyverse acquire technology. I just hope that nobody scanned any old demonic texts in the making of this database, because that was an awful moment in Buffyverse history that I’d rather not revisit.

K: I recently sat in a class where a lecturer told us about how when online database searching first started, you got charged by the SECOND for using it.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E16 – Mood Ring Fashion

by Sweeney May 13, 2013 Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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I wish I could tell you that I’m kidding when I say that I spent a good fifteen minutes debating how to name Faith/Buffy in this episode — whether Faith!Buffy would mean Faith in Buffy’s body or Buffy in Faith’s body. Obviously that would be the most insane, confusing thing ever. For the sake of this recap, they will be referred to by the character they are, not the body they are in, though I’ll occasionally clarify when I feel it’s necessary. That is, Faith-in-Buffy’s-body will be Faith and Buffy-in-Faith’s-body will be Buffy. Got it? Cool.

Outside the Summers home, Joyce and Faith-as-Buffy are being told by a detective (LOL Sunnydale cops) that they’re so glad they have “Faith” in custody because they’ve been looking for her.

Segue Magic: Kids Books That Don’t Suck (Lorraine)

by Lorraine May 10, 2013 Segue Magic

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Firstly, Segue Magic it is! I think that calls for a dance party!

Secondly, I realized I talk very little about why I love the Chronicles of Narnia series, though I do have about 20 minutes of cut material about how much Lucy Penvensie rocks, the importance of reading in the publishing order, and how much the secondary characters add to the series. So, you know, I have reasons, I promise!

Pretty Little Liars S01 E02 – Sex and Bacon

by Sara May 10, 2013 Pretty Little Liars

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Sara: We open up right after the funeral, with the girls drinking coffee at the local Rosewood diner. They wonder why Jenna would have been at the funeral, because of that whole The Jenna Thing thing.

Lorraine: A nice big cheer for PLL’s first gold star ever!

Sweeney: Pretty sure several people earn the star today, so congrats to all! And to the writers, for successfully reducing the number of actual words they had to come up with/string together. We’re always proponents of people who manage to do less work at work.

Angel S01 E15 – Daddy issues

by Kirsti May 9, 2013 Angel

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Kirsti: We open on a sunny morning with a girl in a historically inaccurate costume pouring water from a well into a jug. It’s 1753, and we’re in Galway. Oh, sorry. Galway, IRELAND, because the show needs to clarify such things for stupid people who don’t know where Galway is.

Sweeney: This is an American show. Our people don’t know shit about maps or other places. They can’t even put half the US states on a map, so expecting them to identify foreign cities without clarification is just too much.

K: And yet someone decided America should be in charge of the world. Go figure…

Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E15 – Coma o’ wrath

by Kirsti May 9, 2013 Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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We open in Buffy’s room at Chez Summers. She and Faith (YAY) are putting clean sheets on Buffy’s bed, so clearly it’s one of those freaky mindmeld dream things from the end of season 3. There’s a crapton of foreshadowing awesomeness (seriously, you guys. Whedon is a GENIUS), (L: BUFFY HAS A LITTLE SISTER?!) (SPOILERS, SWEETIE) and then Faith rudely bleeds all over the clean sheets. “Are you ever going to take this thing out?” she says to Buffy, and we see that Buffy’s still holding the crazy murder knife in Faith’s gut. Buffy twists the blade and we dramatic music over to a hospital room. There’s thunder and lightning, and we see a comatose Faith in a hospital bed. The dramatic music turns suspenseful and then the credits roll without a damned thing happening.