snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Dawson’s Creek S03 E21 – Dick measuring with boats

by Kirsti August 3, 2015 Dawson's Creek
Thumbnail image for Dawson’s Creek S03 E21 – Dick measuring with boats

We start with an incredibly long montage. At Leery Manor, Dawson stares moodily at the ugly-ass painting that Aunt Gwen gave him. Joey stares sadly up at Dawson’s window. Pacey is…watering his boat?? IDEK, you guys. He’s hosing down the boat while wearing an awful Hawaiian shirt. Jen walks out of Chez Grams to find Henry standing outside like the creepy serial killer that he is, holding a sign that reads “Jen Lindley: would you please forgive me?” It’s like that scene in Love Actually but weirder. Jen nopes her way back inside, and Grams smirks.

Democracy Diva: Stop smiling, Grams. This douchenozzle wants to guilt your granddaughter into sex.

Read more →

Grey Chapter 06 – Longest. Chapter. Ever.

by Alex July 29, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 06 – Longest. Chapter. Ever.

My last recap was mostly just a bunch of stuff from FSoG slightly rewritten from Grey’s PoV. It seems that I’ve got pretty much the same deal this time, only A MILLION TIMES WORSE, because now I have the dubious honour of recapping Grey’s first sex scene.

Luckily, though, I have a while to prepare myself for that, because this is also the LONGEST CHAPTER OF ALL TIME. It just keeps going and going. I’ll be surprised if anyone is even still reading by the time we get to the sex part.

Jessica: Your perseverance in not only reading, but writing, is impressive. Just reading this took colossal effort.

Read more →

Grey Chapter 05 – LEAVE KATE ALONE

by Jessica July 21, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 05 – LEAVE KATE ALONE

We start with Grey standing in front of the bathroom mirror, contemplating how much amazing sleep he’s gotten lately and thinking about Ana. He says “As I shave, the asshole in the mirror stares back at me with cool, gray eyes” and before I finish the sentence my brain has already leapt to OH GOD HE’S SHAVING HIS ASSHOLE YOU GUYS. And I realize I’m ruined forever. I hope you’re happy, Mari.

Alex: In case you were wondering, the italicised outbursts from Grey’s penis while he shaves are ‘Liar‘ swiftly followed by ‘Fuck‘. Maybe that razor got a little too close for comfort.

Read more →

Orphan Black S03 E04 – Bullets and blood and brains, oh my!

by Jessica July 20, 2015 Orphan Black
Thumbnail image for Orphan Black S03 E04 – Bullets and blood and brains, oh my!

>We start right back where we ended at the Finch Farm, with Mark facing off against Gracie’s mom. At the end of last episode, she had him cornered in the cornfield and we heard a shot go off.

Closeup on creepy corn. Sigh, it’s ALWAYS creepy corn.

Marines: If I ever have to run into creepy corn, I’m basically doing this:

Read more →

Supernatural S04 E10 – Wrong angel

by Kirsti July 18, 2015 Season 4
Thumbnail image for Supernatural S04 E10 – Wrong angel

We continue on immediately after Cas dropping his “we’re gonna kill Anna” bombshell, and the boys demand to know why because she’s an innocent girl. Uriel chuckles and says she’s far from innocent, and almost as gross as Ruby. He demands that they hand her over. “Sorry. Get yourself another one. Try JDate,” Dean sasses. I admit, I did chuckle a bit at that.

Uriel calls Ruby a “demon whore” so that we can get our first round of misogyny shots over nice and early, and a fight breaks out. Uriel pins Ruby against a wall, and Dean rushes over to help. Cas walks slowly towards Sam, who begs him not to do this.

Read more →

The OC S03 E12 – Brought to You by Nyquil

by Wendy Reed July 16, 2015 Season 3
Thumbnail image for The OC S03 E12 – Brought to You by Nyquil

Hi, y’all. The Snark Ladies have invited me for a return appearance! I’m touched and flattered, but must warn you that due to a cold that will not fucking die, I have been living on cough syrup for about four weeks. If things get really weird, blame the Nyquil. At least as far as the recap, I can’t speak for the show.

We open with Seth looking somewhat pensively into a mirror. Ryan wanders in, asks him why he keeps touching his face, and Seth waxes poetic about a pending pimple that didn’t happen.

Read more →

Dawson’s Creek S03 E20 – Fuck you, showrunners.

by DemocracyDiva July 16, 2015 Dawson's Creek
Thumbnail image for Dawson’s Creek S03 E20 – Fuck you, showrunners.

We begin with a Joey voiceover: she asks if you’ve ever had a day you wanted to live all over again. Like one in which they made out with Pacey, I guess.

Kirsti: Legit, girl. Legit. I think we’d all like to live that day over and over again.

Diva: I want a life-gif of that day.

Dawson and his dad show up to Pacey’s boat with some champagne. They’re greeted by Andie, Jonathan Lipnicki (who I guess is officially part of the family now), and the rest of the gang, save for Pacephine.

Read more →

Segue Magic: TV Shows We Miss the Most

by Marines July 14, 2015 Segue Magic
Thumbnail image for Segue Magic: TV Shows We Miss the Most

Hello friends! This past week on Segue Magic, we all got together and talked about TV shows we miss. Check it out:

Read more →

Grey Chapter 04 – The smell of poverty in the morning.

by Marines July 14, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 04 – The smell of poverty in the morning.

A chapter is starting, so a character is waking up. Grey screams, “no!” and I find it oddly hilarious that EL tells us that the scream, “bounces off the bedroom walls and wakes [him] from [his] nightmare.” That rude scream bounces off the wall and probably bopped him on the head.

Grey wakes up and can still smell the “stale beer, cigarettes and poverty” from his nightmare. He can smell the poverty. Usually we’re being facetious when we use the “I hear poor people smell bad” tag, but leave it to Grey to think that poverty is actually a smell.

Read more →

Supernatural S04 E09 – Summer lovin’

by Kirsti July 8, 2015 Season 4
Thumbnail image for Supernatural S04 E09 – Summer lovin’

First things first, friends. I was a teenager in the 90s, so obviously all I can think of when I see this episode title is this:

We should really #snarkathon that, now that I think of it.

Marines: Not a bad idea. I’ll remind you of this when it’s your turn to wake up stupid early on Sunday to lead one again.

K: Thank you.

We open at a mental hospital. A girl named Anna stares spacily out the window as she’s informed that she’s in a mental hospital.

Read more →

Doctor Who S03 E04 – What’s with the pigs?

by Kirsti July 8, 2015 Doctor Who
Thumbnail image for Doctor Who S03 E04 – What’s with the pigs?

Gatsby-esque Manhattan. A bunch of showgirls in glittery devil outfits run around backstage at a theatre preparing for the show. One raps on the dressing room of the star – Tallulah – to give her the two minute warning. Tallulah – dressed as an angel – is making out with her boyfriend, Lazlo. He makes her promise to come to Sunday lunch because his mother wants to meet her. Tallulah freaks a little, but Lazlo insists his mother will love her. Ha. Hahaha. Okay, Lazlo. Whatevs.

Marines: I hope this is the thing you find most unbelievable in this entire episode. 

Read more →

Orphan Black S03 E03 – Bratr

by Marines July 7, 2015 Orphan Black
Thumbnail image for Orphan Black S03 E03 – Bratr

Sarah and Felix drop the Mustached Clone’s body in the tub. They are decked out in rubber gloves and Felix is wearing a smock. Sarah says they should close his eyes, and Felix agrees, but first a drink.

Jessica: An excellent gif that I totally agree with in this situation. This gave me Breaking Bad flashbacks.

Mari: Felix says Mrs. S will know what to do with the body or will at least know someone who will. Sarah doesn’t want to ask for help, but that’s okay, because Felix will definitely ask. They look at the mess of blood and make lots of, “this is awful” comments so we know that it’s about to get way more awful.

Read more →

Grey Chapter 03 – Men or tea?

by Alex July 7, 2015 Books
Thumbnail image for Grey Chapter 03 – Men or tea?

It’s the day after Grey’s stalker-shopping trip. He’s out for an early-morning run as he listens to Moby and recalls dreaming about Ana last night. (J: For some reason, knowing Grey listens to Moby makes me laugh.) In his dream she was on her knees and calling him ‘sir’. How sweet. His run apparently goes on for TWO WHOLE HOURS, although E.L. James thankfully manages to resist the urge to narrate the entire thing and instead skips to Grey jogging past a coffee shop on his way back to the hotel. He briefly considers asking Ana out for a coffee date, but then he laughs at himself because that’s something a normal non-murdery person would do. Ew.

Read more →

Segue Magic: Summer Read/Watch/Play List

by Marines July 6, 2015 Segue Magic

Hello! In case you haven’t seen any of my various Tweets squeeing about this, I’m in the middle of some summer traveling! That’s really just me excusing myself for being stupid late with this post, meaning you’ll get two #SegueMagic recaps this week. I didn’t want to skip it entirely, though, because we got so many great entries into both topics.

So, first up, we asked everyone what things they would be reading, watching and playing this summer (…or winter for everyone in the Southern hemisphere…) Check it out!

Read more →

Dawson’s Creek S03 E19 – HMAS Pacephine

by Kirsti July 3, 2015 Dawson's Creek
Thumbnail image for Dawson’s Creek S03 E19 – HMAS Pacephine

In order to adequately recap this episode, I need to start with Snark Lady Storytime: once upon a time (read: July 3rd 2014) in a faraway kingdom (read: Snark HQ), two Snark Ladies were trying to work out how best to recap Dawson’s Creek after season 1. Should we alternate? Stick exclusively to odds/evens? Or alternate and then split the season finale? And I’m not going to lie: my decision was made solely based on the fact that I’d get to recap this episode, and Diva was nice enough to not interfere.

Read more →