snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Sweet Valley High #002 “Secrets” – When men growl

and on April 30, 2011 · 17 comments in Childhood Trauma,Sweet Valley High

Previously: We were introduced to the Wakefield twins. They kind of suck.

Sara: The beginning scene starts with Jessica bitching about the fact that Elizabeth got her thrown in the Sweet Valley High pool by all of her classmates. Again, #lame. Her friend tells her it’s totes okay because Jess looked like Bo Derek in 10.

Knowing Jessica, it was probably more like this:

Lorraine: You should probably just tell me right now if every book is going to start with Jessica complaining about how she looks. We’re 2/2 and that’s about 2 too many. Cue the author telling us again-some-more, just how gorgeous Jessi-caca really is.

Sara: We should really start keeping a running count of how many times Jess complains about shit and how many times these people CRY. It ain’t nicknamed Sweet Valley Cry for no reason.

Jessica talks about how she just needs to be queen of the fall dance because Bruce Patman (RAWR) will be king and she needs to have him as her boyfriend because she needs to get everything she wants because she’s Jessica Fucking Wakefield.

Wait, wasn’t there just a dance in the last book?

Lorraine: I totes believe Bruce will prove himself to be completely “rawr” worthy in the future, but I’ve got to tell you that again, two books in, he’s a total drag. All they keep telling us that he’s rich and drives a Porche. That may be enough for some people *coughJessicaWakefieldcough* but until they further develop his character (hahahahaha. Who am I kidding? These are Sweet Valley books we’re talking about) I’m reserving my crush.

Sara: You’re totally going to hate me for having a crush on Bruce in book 3. I apologize in advance for my bad taste in men.

Elsewhere in the Wakefield house, Enid is acting weird and Elizabeth is wondering what’s going on. Enid finally tells Liz that she’s afraid her boyfriend Ronnie will break up with her if he finds out that she’s been exchanging letters with an old friend from her….. criminal past! Say what? Boring Enid used to be Cool Awesome Drug-Doing Alcohol-Drinking Enid? (This website does not condone the use of drugs or alcohol to look cool or awesome. Besides, if you’re on this website, you’re obviously already cool and awesome.)

Apparently George (the boy she’s been writing letters to who will be referred to as Georgie Boy for the rest of this post because it makes me giggle) is off the booze and reefer also, and her letters have encouraged him to stay on the straight and narrow. He’s coming back home to Sweet Valley and wants to meet up with her. But what will she do if Ronnie finds out?! *sob*

Lorraine: And this is when I realized that Ronnie is gonna beat his wife when he grows up. This is totally an abusive relationship, and why Enid stays in it is beyond me. That’s looking too deep into it, huh? Let’s try this again:

ZOMG, RONNIE IS TOTALLY HOT! And one of the most popular boys in school! Don’t worry about his jealous freakouts and aggressive nature! THAT JUST MEANS HE CARES! Did we mention he’s hot?

Sara: Ugh, shut up, Enid. You’re the most boring person in Sweet Valley, and that’s saying a lot.

Elizabeth is all, “Whatever, dude. All that stuff happened way before Ronnie. He’d be a dick to get mad.” And Enid is like, “Ronnie is fucking psycho, yo. You don’t understand.” Liz promises not to tell anyone about the letters and then they both have a pillow fight. (I’m pretty sure it’s not an underwear pillow fight, but the book doesn’t really specify, so use your imagination.) During the pillow fight, one of Georgie Boy’s letters falls out of her folder and under Elizabeth’s bed.

COUGH FORESHADOWING COUGH.

Lorraine: Better get that checked out, yo. That sounds like a nasty cough.

Sara: At school the next day, Jessica talks to her friends yet again about how she needs to be queen in order to snag Bruce Patman. Don’t her friends ever get tired of listening to her talk about herself all. the. freaking. time? Apparently the only thing standing in Jessica’s way is Enid because she’s dating Ronnie, one of the most popular boys in school. Jess finishes talking shit about Enid, so she can go flirtrape Bruce Patman.

Bruce: Well, well, if it isn’t Little Bo-Peep. Lost any sheep lately?

Bruce. Stop that immediately. I just admitted to having a crush on you, and now you’re going to go and embarrass me like that? Jessica tries to hit on Bruce but fails miserably, as he completely ignores her. Good for you, Bruce, good for you.

Jessica heads home to cry like the little bitch she is and walks into Elizabeth’s room (why can’t she stay in her own damn room?!) to find a letter under her bed like a freaking snoop. I WONDER WHAT JESSICA IS GOING TO DO WITH THAT LETTER. No, actually, I don’t, because I know that Jessica is a lying sociopath and will do anything she can to win a cheap tiara from Claire’s.

In the next scene, we find Ronnie and Enid out on a date. And by “out on a date,” I mean driving up to Miller’s Point, the sluttiest make out spot of ever. The only people who don’t seem to use Miller’s Point as a macking station are Elizabeth and Todd. LAME.

Ronnie didn’t waste any time. He lunged at Enid immediately after he switched off the engine, kissing her so roughly she was left gasping for breath.

Uh, does Ronnie know he’s with Enid right now? Ew. After rapekissing Enid, Ronnie tells her that he can’t take her to the dance because he has to wash his hair.

Lorraine: For like, the entire month.

Sara: Okay, he actually said he had to work, but Enid knew he was a big lying liar lie. +1 for Enid not being so fucking stupid for once. She tries to get him to explain why and eventually he “growls” that he knows about Georgie Porgie Puddin ‘n Pie.

Enid, when men start growling, GET. THE. FUCK. OUT.

Lorraine: *coughWifeBeatercough* Man. That pesky cough must be contagious.

Sara: But of course Enid doesn’t listen to me. Ronnie basically calls her a dumb bitch and says he’s going to take her home. I guess there’s no sexy time in store for Miller’s Point today. As he drives her home, Enid’s only thought is, “Liz must have told him about the letters.”

Let’s recap what Lorraine went over in the last Sweet Valley post, shall we?

Sweet Valley is a strange place. Everyone seems to forget that Jess and Liz are twins who look alike, who you can’t tell apart and THAT COULD  BE IMPORTANT LATER.

Apparently, people also forget that Jessica is a sneaking, lying douchebag who takes every opportunity to make everyone else’s lives miserable, including her own twin sister. NOPE, COULDN’T HAVE BEEN JESSICA, THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE AT ALL.

Fucking Sweet Valley…

Elizabeth hasn’t heard from Enid in a while, but she has noticed how happy Jessica’s been lately.

WARNING! WARNING! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!

Jessica looking happy is never a good sign, y’all. Liz calls Enid to check on her, and Enid is all, “Bitch, I know you told Ronnie about my letters to Georgie Boy,” and Liz is all, “What the fuck are you talking about, yo? I didn’t tell him shit,” and Enid is all, “Whatevs! Worst best friend ever!” and hangs up on Liz. Way to jump to conclusions, Enid. You would figure since Enid is so damn stupid, she might be entertaining, but ZOMG SHE IS SUCH A BORING BOREFACE.

See? This is why I like Jessica. At least she doesn’t make me want to stab myself in the leg for mild entertainment.

Lorraine: I’m gonna have to agree on the Enid = boring front. I’m not sure how one person manages to make a criminal past, an abusive relationship, secret love letters and a nasty break-up boring, but Enid manages it.

Sara: Elizabeth cries (again) to Jessica about Enid being mad at her. Jessica is all, “Whoever told him about the letters was doing him a big favor,” and Liz responds, “But who? Who would have done such a hideous thing?

ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH CAPS IN THE WORLD TO CONVEY MY AMAZEMENT AT LIZ’S STUPIDITY RIGHT NOW. I GIVE UP.

You deserve whatever you get, Elizabeth Wakefield.

Lorraine: Okay, you ever notice how people in Sweet Valley do that a lot? It’s another thing I noticed while ignoring Enid and her drug abuse (snore): these kids sure do like to call people by their full names. “Have you seen Bruce Patman?” “I can’t believe Jessica Wakefield.”

I think I might start employing this, Sara Nipples. What do you think, Sara Nipples? A good plan, Sara Nipples? I guess this is more fun ’cause I get to keep saying Nipples. Oh, what? Book? Sigh.

Sara: Now I’m upset because Valverde isn’t quite as fun to say as Nipples…

Lorraine: It’s pronounced Nip-plaaay. 

Sara: Elsewhere, Jessica is at a party at Lila Fowler’s, the most awesome girl in the history of Sweet Valley, in my opinion. We discover that Jess slipped Enid and Georgie Boy’s notes in Ronnie’s locker earlier that week.

OH MY GOD WHAT? I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS JESSICA THIS WHOLE TIME!

Id-i-ots.

At the party, Jess rapeflirts Ronnie and gets him to agree to take her to the dance since neither of them have dates. (I guess he doesn’t have to wash his hair anymore.) (Lor: DIRTY.) Her main plan of getting to be Queen of whatever-the-hell-this-dance-is is well on its way. Going with super popular Ronnie will surely win her the Claire’s tiara!

Monday at school, Elizabeth tries to talk to Enid, but she gets blown off. Enid, your only friend is Liz. I suggest you cling to her like a parasite, girl. There is no reason beautiful, popular Liz should be hanging out with your boring ass in the first place. For once, I actually agree with Jess.

Lorraine: I dunno, Sara Nipples. When your sister is Jessica Wakefield, maybe little, boring Enid is what you need in your life. 

Sara: Lorraine Valverde, you make a very good point. Elizabeth is probably just thankful that Enid isn’t a future serial killer sociopath.

Anyway, Jess agrees to talk to Enid for Liz, to help resolve the fight. Be right back. I need to go beat my head against a brick wall for a couple of hours.

While “consoling” Enid, Jess says, “Don’t worry, people aren’t going to believe everything Ronnie’s been saying about you.” Oooohhhh, BURN! Sly move, Jess, sly move…

Later, Jessica finally tells Elizabeth about going with Ronnie to the dance. Liz is all, “You’re going to hurt Enid’s feelings!” and Jess is like, “Whatever, I’m just trying to get them back together…. or something,” and Liz is like, “Oh. Okay, that’s cool, I guess.”

Elizabeth goes to the faculty advisor for the newspaper, Mr. CreepyCollins, who always seems to be there to have deep, heartfelt conversations with high school girls. Don’t you know any high school boys, Mr. CreepyCollins?! Huh? Huh??

Anypedophiliaway, CreepyCollins makes a comment about cracking the whip and at that point, I couldn’t really pay attention to anything else he said, because if “cracking the whip” isn’t a sexual innuendo, I don’t know what is. Oh, and he supposedly looks like Robert Redford. First of all, all of my male teachers looked like the men who give lectures on PBS in monotone voices. Where were my Robert Redford teachers to flirt with?! Sweet Valley is so lucky.

Lorraine: CreepyCollins might be my new favorite thing.

Sara: The scene switches to Todd and Liz at the Dairi Burger, holding hands across the table like 6th graders.

“Hey, you don’t look too happy for someone who’s going to the dance tonight with the most fantastic guy on the West Coast.”
“Burt Reynolds is taking me to the dance?”

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Wait, let me compose myself…..

AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Lorraine: EW! EW, EW, EW, EW, EW! WHERE WAS MY WARNING? WHERE DOES THE MAN END AND THE RUG BEGIN? EW.

Sara: Liz tells Todd that Jessica is helping her become friends again with Enid, and Todd is all, “Meh. I wouldn’t trust that bish, if I were you,” but Liz just ignores him because that’s what high school girls do when their boyfriends give them good advice.

(Aside:  This is also the book where we get to hear about Todd’s little brother for the first and only time on account of him completely disappearing from the rest of the series. Maybe he wised up and got the hell out of Sweet Valley before the evil twins, the car crashes, the deaths….)   (Lorraine: YES. This is amazing. The Sweet Valley-verse may forget about Todd’s brother, but we? We NEVER shall. Every time something unexplained happens, I’m totes blaming GhostBrotha. I’m so excited.)

Sara: Liz goes home and starts getting ready for the big dance. While in her room, she sees the letter from Georgie Boy to Enid on the floor and immediately knows that Jessica was the one who told.

ZOMG YOU ARE SO SMART LIZ. -_-

However, Enid hasn’t figured it out yet and is sitting at home, getting ready to go to the dance alone because she’s a losery loser. But wait! The doorbell is ringing! Could it be Ronnie, ready to forgive her?!

LOL Of course it isn’t, y’all. Ronnie is a total douche.

It’s Georgie Boy! And oh yeah, HE’S SO TOTALLY SEXY. See, Enid didn’t realize he looked like a big ball of Sex Panther because they had just been communicating over snail mail. They kiss, and Enid is all, “Ronnie who?” I have to admit, I’m a little happy for Enid, even though I think she’s the most boring person to ever walk the streets of Sweet Valley.

They make it to the dance, and Enid apologizes to Liz, as she should, for being a bitchy mcbitcherson. Enid and Georgie Boy are happy, Liz and Todd are happy, everything is happy and….. oh wait, we can’t end it now. Jessica must be taught a lesson for her bad behavior! And Liz is just the one to do it!

Snooze. Elizabeth, could you please ask Lila to help you with your scheming from now on? You kind of suck at revenge.

Lorraine: Agreed. Last time, they pushed Jess into a pool after her fake rape accusation. This time she only broke up Enid and Ronnie, so what are they gonna do? Make her eat a lot of calories? Make her ride on a unicorn with no seat belt?

Sara: Elizabeth’s amazing plan is to get Jessica nominated Queen and Winston Egbert (barf-worthy to most of Sweet Valley, however, I think he’s adorable) nominated King.

Jess voms in her mouth, and thinks about how she’ll be “stuck with Winston for the rest of the semester for any big school events.” And if any of you know Sweet Valley, I’m pretty sure “the rest of the semester” is about ten years. Poor, poor Jessica.

After she’s forced to dance with Winston, she runs off to yell at Liz because that’s what she does best.

“Would you like some punch, Jessica?”
“I’d like to punch you in the face.”

ZING! See? There’s my Jessica! She may be a fucking lunatic, but at least she’s funny.

Lorraine: The fact that that’s the funniest line of SV dialogue in this book says a whole, whole, whole lot, no? And anyways, I’d like to drive a monster truck over Jessica’s face. And then hit reverse and do it again, in case I left behind any mischief in her eyes. That crazy bitch.

Sara: Jess basically tells Elizabeth that her life is ruined now and blah blah blah same old shit as usual. Jessica gets hers, Elizabeth gets a laugh, and Boring Enid is still bo-ring Enid. Ahh, another book ending with a dance in Sweet Valley. Where the fuck were all these dances when I was in high school??

There’s also a pathetic B plot concerning Ms. Dalton, the French teacher, having an affair with Ken Matthews, the star quarterback. We find out she isn’t, and the story is over. #LAME This storyline would have been way better if they really were boning.

Lorraine: Just like Enid should’ve listened to me and been a dominatrix. 

Cry Count
Liz – 3
Jess – 2
Enid – 9 (NO I AM NOT KIDDING)
Ms. Dalton – 1

 

Next time on Sweet Valley High: Can Jessica play Bruce Patman’s game and win? Find out in #3 – Playing with Fire.

 

Sara (all posts)

I'm a married old lady of 25 who is currently pregnant and eating all the things. ALL THE THINGS. I work full time and consider myself "in between" semesters of college, because that sounds better than, "I have 8 classes left and just can't force myself to finish." There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.





Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Did you like this? Share it:
  • If I had any desire to re-read these books now, I'm not sure if this blog is making that desire stronger or satisfying the need completely. So much that I tuned out as a child…although I do vaguely recall the creepiness of CreepyCollins.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHlj-3jAcd0

    For you two. lol It's almost as good as it is bad.

  • Also, the way that they are dancing in the aforementioned video is so not Nickelodeon appropriate. SVH is like soft-core porn for the 80's and 90's. JESUS.

  • Oh, I've already watched the entire first season. 🙂 It's just the kind of trashy television I can't resist!

  • I never read the high school books (I read the middle school books) but this sure is entertaining. I love all your descriptions: BORING BOREFACE losery loser bitchy mcbitcherson. Made me LOL.

  • DB

    I read this entire series! However, after all of the emo ones near the end, I was scarred. I couldn't even enjoy the crappy books without them getting all depressing on me.

    But yeah, definitely used to be obsessed.

  • I think I figured it out. I believe I read the junior high series, NOT the high school books. Because I've been freaking out wondering how I could forget all of this amazingness! I just can't remember. lol Maybe I really DID repress the memories.

    P.S. Obsessed with the YouTube vids of the 1st season right now. Ha!

  • I totally forgot that Enid (great name, BTW) used to be a tranny hooker! Wait, what? No? Wrong book? OK.

  • Things I will never understand: why Elizabeth didn't get herself legally emancipated and leave Sweet Valley to get away from her bat-shit crazy sister. OH WAIT. She's too fucking boring and goody two shoes to come up with a plan like that. My bad… 😉

  • I basically lost it over the picture of Burt Reynolds. "Where does the man end and the rug begin?" Haha. People at work are going to this I'M a lunatic, laughing to myself.

  • I'm going to have nightmares now! I thought I left SVH and this particular book back in the 90's. Gosh, what would have our childhood been like without such atrocities as this?

  • Wanner

    It seems like there are more deaths in SVH then there are in G'Bumps

  • Pingback: SVH #11 “Too Good to be True” – Out Creeping the Creepster()

  • Pingback: SVH Magna Edition: A Night to Remember – Or the Miniseries that Will Save Christmas()

  • Pingback: SVH #001 “Double Love” – Welcome to Sweet Valley Cry()

  • Pingback: Sweet Valley High #003 “Playing With Fire” – And seven other things more fun than reading this book.()

  • Meagan Malachite

    Wait, if Jessica put the letters in Ronnie’s locker, how did Liz still find it on her floor? Plot hole.

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