Goosebumps #012 “Be Careful What You Wish For” – And stay away from old ladies.

Sara: The book opens with Samantha Byrd, our sort of (Lor: Fixed it!) stupid heroine, being tripped by the most popular girl in school, Judith, in front of everyone in the cafeteria. And with a name like Judith, you KNOW she’s a bitch. Judith makes a habit of telling Samantha, “Why don’t you just fly away, Byrd!”

ZING!!! Judith has some mad jokez, y’all! -_-

When Sam is writing a problem on the board in math class, Judith points out that Sam mistakenly added four and two to five rather than six. The entire class laughs hysterically, even the teacher.

Wow. These kids are easily entertained.

Lorraine: And that teacher sucks.

Sara: Sam flips her shit, even though it’s not that big a deal. Sam, I’ve seen girls go write problems on the board with period stains on the back of their pants. YOU WILL SURVIVE, BITCH.

Lorraine: Especially because if you just tie your sweater around your waist by the sleeves, no one will even notice! C’mon girls. You know what I’m talking about.

Sara: Sam tries to confront Judith in the cafeteria, but she ends up embarrassing herself all over again. Personally, I don’t think she has any reason to be embarrassed because in the television episode version of this book, she’s wearing some sweet ass jean overalls in that scene. AND ONE OF THE STRAPS IS UNDONE. My God, the 90s were amazing.

AND she has her backpack slung over one shoulder? SOCOOLOMG

Sam mentions to her best (and only) friend, Corey, that she’d like to murder Judith, but Corey reminds her that Judith is the best player on the school’s basketball team. Sam, apparently, is the worst. The only reason she’s on the team at all is because her coach made her try out because she’s tall. What the hell? What kind of basketball coach is this?

After lunch, the kids go to home ec. Judith walks by Sam’s cooking station and pretends to trip, making fun of Sam. While fake tripping, she accidentally spills her food all over Sam’s shoes. I believe my favorite part of this entire book calls for a direct quote.

“I looked down at my brand new shoes covered in gloppy yellow pudding. And that’s when I lost it. I uttered an angry roar and went for Judith’s throat. I didn’t plan it or anything. I think it was temporary insanity. I just reached out both hands and grabbed Judith by the throat, and began to strangle her.

I mean, they were brand-new shoes!”

No questions asked, I’m on Samantha’s side right now. THEY WERE BRAND FUCKING NEW SHOES, YOU GUYS. Not cool, Judith, not cool at all.

Lorraine: Don’t you just hate it when you start strangling people before you realize what you’re doing? Also, the most amazing part of this all is that she “uttered an angry roar.” What in the… Look, I may or may not have sat here for a solid 5 minutes trying to utter a roar. Again, may or may not have.

Sara: Unfortunately, Judith doesn’t get hurt and Sam keeps whining like a big babyface. On the way home from school, Sam sees an old woman who needs directions. She asks Sam to walk her to her destination, for some reason.

RUN, BITCH!! RUN!!

But, of course, Sam doesn’t take my advice. When they reach the old woman’s destination, she offers Sam three wishes for her kindness.

ANNOUNCEMENT: If an old, creepy looking woman ever offers you wishes, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.

Lorraine: I mean, personally, I subscribe to the belief that “stranger danger” never stops being true at any age. An old lady needs help crossing the street? Hell no. You are a stranger, and thus you present danger. Some three year old is lost in the park? Fuck you, baby. I don’t know you. Etc.

Sara: The old woman is doing that creepy old woman thing where they grab your arm with super MawMaw strength and stare into your face with cold, almost dead eyes, until you agree to whatever they’re saying. So Judith blurts out that she wishes to be the strongest player on the basketball team to get MawMaw to let go of the OldLadyGripO’Death on her arm.

The next day after school is a basketball game, and Sam is interested to see if she’ll be a better player because of her wish. The game starts, and Sam is just as awful as she always has been. She starts noticing that all of the other girls are dragging on the court. They keep missing passes, walking instead of running, and yawning instead of trying to play.

Do y’all see where this is going yet? BECAUSE SAMANTHA STILL DOESN’T.

Lorraine: Obviously, these girls were watching late night informercials and didn’t get a good nights rest, right?

Sara: It takes until the end of the game for Sam to realize that her wish did, indeed, come true. She is now the strongest player on her basketball team because all of the other girls are so ridiculously weak. It turns out that MawMaw tricked her!

Oooohhhhh, BURN!

Lorraine: Oh, right! Jaykay about the infomercials…

Sara: The next day, Sam is the only girl on the basketball team at school. All of the others are too weak to do anything but lay in bed. Sam feels guilty, as she should, and decides to track down MawMaw to fix her wish.

When she can’t find MawMaw, she goes to Judith’s because she feels bad. Personally, I think it’s kind of obnoxious to pretend to be besties with Judith just because she’s sickly, but whatevs. Judith yells at her because she’s Judith, and Sam runs out of the house and yells, “I wish Judith would just disappear!”

Goddamn, this bitch is all kinds of dumb.

Lorraine: Do you guys use, “I wish” a lot in real life? This is what I never understood about these bad wish stories. I mean, when I, for instance, have road rage, I don’t say, “I wish you would suck a dick and die!” That’s silly! It’s just, “suck a dick and die.” Right? Just me?

This probably means I’d be the best wisher of all time. Someone grant me three wishes. Hold the MawMaw though.

Sara: I’m sure you could have guessed that MawMaw popped out of the bushes to say, “HA, that’s your second wish then, bish!” Why is she hiding in the bushes in front of a middle schooler’s house? Creepy, yo.

By the way, while MawMaw totally cheated Sam into making a shitty wish, I think it’s badass and would like to throw my name in the ring to take over this job. (Lor: MawNipples)

When Sam wakes up the next morning, everyone has disappeared. Her parents, the town, everyone at school. She’s the only person in the whole world.

I have to admit that when I was a kid, this part freaked me the fuck out.

MawMaw shows back up and tells Sam that she can make her final wish. Sam’s wish? “I want everything to be the way it was – but, I want Judith to think I’m the greatest person who ever lived.”

OHMYGOD YOU DUMB BITCH WHEN WILL YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON FUCKING FUCK

Sam learns that her most recent dumbass wish has made Judith a stalker. Judith dyes her hair the same color as Sam, buys identical outfits (Lor: That’s not so bad! Overalls for err’one!) and sneaks into her motherfucking room while she is sleeping. What. The. Fuck. This does not seem healthy. Also, Samantha’s parents? Get a freaking lock on your door, please.

Sam runs into MawMaw one last time and bitches her out for ruining her life. Um, I’m pretty sure you’re the one who made those ridiculous wishes, girlfriend. But whatever. MawMaw agrees to give her one last wish to fix everything.

“I – I wish I’d never met you!” I cried. “I wish Judith had met you instead of me!“

Suddenly, Sam can see Judith and MawMaw talking to each other. She thinks she hears Judith say, “Byrd, why don’t you fly away!”

She suddenly feels free, happy, and so, so free! She eats an earthworm and as she’s flying away, she sees Judith looking up at her with a huge smile. “I guess she got her first wish,” Sam thinks as she flutters off into the distance.

I may be 22 years old, but I still find this ending to be super creepy and badass, all at the same time. +1 for Goosebumps.

Lorraine: I’m not hating on that ending, but really, the part where she realizes these wishes ruin lives and suck majorly, AND THEN SHE WISHES THAT THE MEANEST PERSON SHE KNOWS COULD HAVE THESE WISHES? Jesus. She deserves to be a bird.

“Fly away, Byrd” reference count: 13

Gotta love foreshadowing.

Sara (all posts)

I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.