Nancy Drew Files #001 “Secrets Can Kill” – And so can banging your head against a wall.

Lorraine: Hi guys, it’s me. Lorraine. Like it says right next to this sentence where I felt compelled to tell you that it was me. Lorraine.

Sara: And me! Sara! Nipples! Or just Sara. Or just Nipples, actually. Unlimited options, y’all. Or just two. Whatever.

Lor: Sara and I decided, when we chose to start covering Sweet Valley, that we would take breaks from the Wakefield tears twins by reviewing some other childhood favorites.

Thus, Nancy Drew. I never read any of these when I was a kid, but when someone suggested them in the comments, I was all over it. Then, I was confused because homegirl has been around since 1930! Dear, little Nance is 81 years old. Uh… GROSS.

Sara: I think I tried reading Nancy Drew when I was a kid, but I was too in love with the Wakefield twins to stray. If nothing else, I am incredibly loyal to those bitches.

Lor: Confused as I was, I decided to do some extensive research. Actually, I Wikipedia’d the crap out of Nancy Drew. And naturally, by that I mean that I glanced at the front page. It seemed to me, from my very intense glance, that around the 80′s and 90′s, the books that were coming out were the Nancy Drew Files? Is that what y’all were reading? Yes? No?

DOESN’T MATTER.

Because that’s what I bid on Ebay and now I have the Nancy Drew Files books coming out the ying yang. So. Here we go:

We open the book with some chick looking at herself in a mirror and trying on clothes. JESSICA WAKEFIELD? ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?

No. It’s Nancy. Apparently 87% of all books geared towards teens must start with an attractive girl checking herself out in a mirror. I totally just made that statistic up, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Sara: Wait, do you not start your mornings out staring at yourself in the mirror for 2 hours? Oh, um…. psh, me neither, obviously.

Lor: Nancy is trying on clothes because for her new case, she’s going under cover as a high school student to figure out who’s stealing stuff out of the lockers at Bedford High. Her friends are all, “you got this?” and Nancy is all, “chill. I got this.”

She checks herself out in the mirror a lot and thinks about how so, so easy this case is gonna be. Drew Barrymore is somewhere thinking, “No, girl. Going back to high school ain’t easy.”

Nancy is 18, though, and not 49 like Drew. I guess that means she graduated recently? Or maybe girl detectives don’t need stupid stuff like “an education?”

Anyways, at this moment she’s with her two best friends Bess and George. If you think her best friends are in fact cows, I wouldn’t blame you. They aren’t though. They’re just regular girls with the names Bess and George.

Her friends are really concerned that she’s going to attract a bunch of jail bait. For instance, there’s this star athlete who every one calls “Hunk” Hogan. Putting hunk and Hogan in the same sentence makes me all gaggy. Also, woah, ’80′s. Woah.

Sara: AHA! HAHA! HA HA HA! Oh my God, I love the references these books make. Also, this girl boner is totally not going away for a while. Haiii Hulk haiiiii.

Lor: Nancy blah blahs that she only has eyes for brown-haired Ned Nickerson, anyways. No hunky Hogan is gonna woo her. And oh, guys, cool: a pillow fight. This makes this the second pillow fight here at CT.  I’m pretty sure they’re naked because, uh, hello. 1.) they were just trying clothes on and b.) pillow fights can only happen naked (duh) and cat.) I’m pretty sure a fake, naked pillow fight might be the most excitement we get out of this book.

Sara: B is like the universal pillow fight code. Also, penguin.) every sleepover involves a slutty nudey pillow fight. It’s in our Girl Handbook.

Lor: Drew’s housekeeper, who is more like a mother to her so we’ll call her MomKeeper, comes in to hand Nan an envelope she found mysteriously chillin’ in the mailbox. It’s a tape that she quickly pops into the VCR. (LOL. VCR.)

The video shows the girls a few hours earlier, shopping and eating weiners and such. Then a voice says, “STAY AWAY FROM OUR HIGH SCHOOL SKANK.” Or, you know, something to that effect. Point is, someone doesn’t want Nan at their school and was totally stalking and filming her. It really is less exciting than it sounds.

Hey! I bet this stalker is the same person who is stealing everything! I WIN. I’m the best detective ever.

On that note, girl-detective pet-peeve #1 – All the questions they ask in the book as a means of narrative: Why would someone send this video to me? And what were they trying to hide? Someone stole video equipment from the school- is that connected? Why would a petty thief go through all this trouble? Why am I asking you guys all these questions? Why have I been 18 years old for 81 years? Do I have something in my teeth?

Alright already! We get it! It’s a mystery! There are questions to be answered! FAWK.

Sara: Is there not a police station in this town? Why the hell is an 18 year old girl solving crimes at a public high school? These books are giving me a headache already.

Lor: If you stop banging your head against the wall, it won’t hurt anymore.

Nancy reports to Bedford High and meets the principal who tells her that filing cabinets have been broken into, lockers robbed and video equipment stolen, etc, etc, mystery.

Principal introduces Nan to Daryl Gray- hot senior, class president, totally trustworthy and haver of blueberry colored eyes. Seriously, “blueberry eyes” is to this book as “crying” is to Sweet Valley High. And… I mean…

Sara: Sexxxy.

Lor: The book goes on and on about the electricity between them and the “tingling” feelings Nancy gets when he puts his hand on her shoulders. Woah, Nan, woah! No need to get all happy in the pants over a shoulder touch. And what happened to your perfect Ned, eh?

Sara: Tingling = Orgasm? I’m thinking yes.

Lor: Nancy meets some more locals – Hunky Hogan, who is built like a wall, Carla, who gives her stanky looks and fake directions around the school, Jake Webb who is bony and mean and Connie who is fat!ew! and friendly.

Sara: Fat? EW. Doesn’t Connie know that female authors from the 80s HATE fat people? Get with the program, bish!

Lor: Jake has some iffy business going on with Hunk Hogan and when Nancy comes across them, Jake gets all testy and tells her she better not repeat any of the conversation she heard. He does that creepy thing where he “shushes” her and puts his finger to her lips. Nancy would like to bite his finger off. I have other ideas about which appendage would be fun to remove. Basically, Jake is an asshole.

In high school, I had a Biology teacher who I call the Grim Reaper on my blog. One day she found out that a group of kids were copying answers off of each other and she blew a fucking gasket. She came out from one of the back hallways, threw a book across the room and gave a primal scream. We all froze and just stared at her, scared for our lives. “I HATE cheaters,” she yelled at us. “If you cheat, you lie. If you lie, you steal. And if you steal, you MURDER.”

I’ve taken this life lesson with me all through life. And to Jake Webb I say: if you’re an asshole, you break into filing cabinets and if you break into filing cabinets, you MURDER. Case solved. I am the best detective ever. No one is even dead yet and I know who killed them.

Moving on, Blueberry Eyes Daryl finds Nancy and then invites her to the school dance because OMG KIDS DANCE EVERY WEEK AT SCHOOL OR SOMETHING WHAT THE HELL.

Sara: SOMEONE HAS GOT TO BE SHITTING US HERE. ANOTHER. EFFING. DANCE.

Lor: Fat!Connie takes Nan to see the football players practice. Fat!Con dreams about what it would be like to be head cheerleader, but she’s too fat.

So… I’m reviewing this book to take a break from Sweet Valley but so far we have a hot girl checking herself out, a hot boy driving a Porsche, a school dance and an author that hates fat people. Nancy Drew is the long lost Wakefield triplet.

Sara: Maybe the ghostwriters for Sweet Valley are LITERALLY ghosts who died from having to write shitty Nancy Drew books for so long. Questions to ponder…

Lor: Since the ’30′s, yo.

Fat!Connie explains that Blueberry Eyes and Carla of the Stanky Looks are an on again-off again thing. Also, Blueberry Eyes’ family recently lost their once very extensive fortune. *coughInformationWeMightNeedLatercough*

Sara: Looks like you caught my cough from Sweet Valley High. I hear it’s going around. 

Lor: Then Nancy asks about some bracelet Fat!Connie is wearing and she gets all suspicious and fidgety and, “oh this old thing” about it which makes me think she’s the killer. Sorry, Asshole Jake. You aren’t the non-killer-killer anymore. I think it’s Connie now.

Nancy breaks into Jake’s locker and in there finds a bracelet that looks just like Connie’s. Nancy is all, “Hey Connie! Found your bracelet and it was totally in Jake’s locker.” Connie’s eyes bug out of her head and she backs away from Nancy all, “bracelet?? I have no clue what you’re talking about, crazy. My bracelet is totally imaginary! I mean, at home! Yeah, I lost it? No. I mean, I left it at home today.” Excuses, excuses, killer.

Blueberry Eyes and Nancy go get a coke (seriously? So glad I never grew up in the times where getting a coke was an official date…) but someone has cut the brake cable thingy from her car and she crashes and then her car explodes.

Sara: YAY!!!!!!!! 

Lor: Stop cheering, because they totally survive the wreck.

Sara: Damn.

Lor: Nancy and Blueberry are all, “Aaaah! We almost died!” so they make-out a little. Then Nancy is all, “this was Jake! I know it.” Daryl thinks Nancy should probably just ignore the fact that her car is now a fiery mess, ignore the life rule, “if you are an asshole, you break into lockers, and if you break into lockers, you cut people’s brake cables,” and just make-out with him some more. Interesting.

The next day Nancy gets to school, and hey, what do you know? Jake the asshole has been killed. DEAD. We officially have a killer! I’m so excited! Jake was pushed down some stairs.

Nancy breaks back into Dead!Jake’s locker again and in there finds wire cutters (the better to cut brakes with, my dear), a video camera battery pack (the better to make porn stalkery videos with, my dear), Connie’s bracelet (the better to… uh… be metrosexual with, my dear?) and an article about Hunk Hogan (yeah, I’m all out now. Sorry.)

So Nancy deduces that Jake the asshole WAS the thief but now he’s dead so they have bigger fish to fry.

Nancy finds another tape Jake made and it has condemning evidence: Hal stealing answers to the SAT’s, Connie stealing that bracelet, etc. Dead!Jake had been blackmailing these select students, thanks to information he’d snooped by working in the principals office, hence the broken into files and lockers and such.

Sara: Jake would have made a very good businessman one day.

Lor: Blueberry Eyes really wants to keep making out with Nancy. And whispering creepily in her ears. At this point, I’d like to apologize to Fat!Connie and say, “I’m sorry for thinking you were the killer.” It’s obvious to me now that Blueberry Eyes is totes the real, real, killer.

Blueberry is all, “hey can we make-out some more? Maybe we can kiss with that video with all the condemning evidence playing in the background? I mean, I just want to watch it for… it’s cinematic qualities.”

Nancy thinks this is a great idea because she’s the best girl-detective of ever.

They watch some of the video and kiss a little before Bess and George show up and interrupt the sexy times. And just then Ned calls, too. Ned misses Nance. Nance was just making out with Blueberries. Whoops.

Sara: What is with all these cheaty cheatering girls in the 80s?

Lor: In all the hooplah, Nan forgot to turn off the tape. As it kept playing, surprise! Guess who made it to the very, very, end of the tape? Yep. Daryl of the eyes of blueberry. The tape shows him picking up a package and then delivering it. After some cracker jack detecting, Nancy figures out that Daryl is selling secrets of the US Navy to Russia.

I’M NOT EVEN JOKING. He is seriously selling secrets to Russia.

Sara: LOL. That’s all I have to say to that. 

Lor: Bess, George and Nan come up with a plan to get Blueberry to confess, along with the help of Ned who shows up in the nick of time. So, Nancy goes to the dance with Blueberry and kisses him a lot, in the name of detectiving, and then is all, “I know what you did last summer!” Blueberry gets sad now that it is discovered that he’s been selling government secrets to keep gas in his Porsche since his family lost their fortune.

Right.

But! He swears he didn’t kill Jake. See, after Jake found out what Blue was doing, he started to blackmail him, just like he blackmailed Hunk, Connie and Hal. But, Jake had bigger dreams and wanted to also blackmail the guy who was feeding the information to Blue. Are you still with me?

So, this information feeder, his name is Mitch and he’s the killer.

Girl-detective pet-peeve #2 - The killer is some guy we never meet in the whole entire book? WHAT THE HELL? How am I supposed to the best girl detective of ever if you present to me an entire fudgin’ cast of suspects and ALL OF THEM ARE NOT IT? Cheaters! Cheaters! Cheaters! I hate you Nancy Drew.

Sara: NOT. HAPPY.

Lor: So, Mitch is really dangerous and he kills people and sells government secrets. Nan tells Blueberries that’s he pretty much SOL because the government is gonna get him. He might as well try and help Nan (oh and the police. Remember them?) catch Mitch. He agrees.

Sara: Wait, so they do have police in this town? Why the hell is Nancy almost getting blown up to solve a damn locker thief mystery when there is a very capable force of…. oh, fuck it. These books will never make sense.

Lor: Just drink the Kool-aid Sara. Just drink it.

Their awesome plan is to have Mitch the real, real, real killer meet Blueberry Eyes in the park and video-tape him confessing. Blueberry freaks out though because Mitch changed the meet-up time and he’ll be at the park in 10 minutes and omg that is not enough time to call the police!

Uh… really? I mean, even if they are living in prehistoric times with no cell phones (shiver), you can’t send Bess or George running or something? Whatever.

The meeting goes down. Nancy gets punched in the face. I cheer a little when that happens. But the bad guy goes down.

The book ends with Ned all, “You and Blueberry…?” And Nancy promises that they just kissed a ton a little. Ned thinks that’s totally cool and kisses Nancy just so we can end the book on a gross note.

Thanks Ned. Thanks Nancy.

 

Next time on the Nancy Drew Files: A famous band hires Nancy to find their missing guitarist. Doesn’t New York City have it’s own police department? Find out in #2 – Deadly Intent.

Tagged as: another effing dance, cheatery cheaters always cheat, fat-tastic, kids are dumb, someone just died again