BSC #007 “Claudia and Mean Janine”- Or why I hate absolutely everyone in Ann M. Martin’s fictional world.

Previously: Kristy complained about living in a mansion a lot, because she’s the kind of cunty person who would. She also manages to make her mother’s wedding day all about her. Oh, and also, she wore a dress.
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Nugs: When I first saw the cover of this book, I was introduced to possibly the smartest character in the entire BSC lexicon:

Right there with ya, kid.

For six whole YA novels now, we’ve been constantly subjected to stories about how Claudia’s older sister, Janine, is the world’s biggest bitch. If the eighty-year-old looking girl-beast on the front jacket is any indication, I assumed I was in for a real treat. Is that the sister or the grandmother? Why is she dressed like that, anyway? And why are all the characters in these books, who are supposed to be barely into their teens, drawn to look like they’re old enough to be sneaking into all-night keggers? Disturbing.

Sweeney: My version is a re-print but Janine still looks more thirty-something yuppie than pimply nerdy teenager. And Claudia totally looks like a college freshman. Do the people who draw these covers even read these books? Or are we really the only adults this fucked in the head?

Nugs: I don’t believe we are. You know, this is foreshadowing for Miley Cyrus.

Anyway, despite Janine being super-bossy and annoying (and not liking Nancy Drew mysteries!), she didn’t strike me as that much of a bitch. I mean, I was sixteen once, and I was much worse than she was. So thanks for that heads-up, Ann M. Martin. I was actually more pissed off that Claudia appeared to be semi-retarded.

Sweeney: I KNOW. Janine is constantly trying to be nice to her and be included in things. Isn’t that supposed to be the other way around? I just felt bad for her. 

Nugs: I actually did, too. Looking back on these books, I realized that Claudia was kind of cunty.

And what the hell kind of message are we sending with this kid who can’t get through more than a two pages without mentioning how much she hates school and/or what an idiot she is? Good job, team. Scholastic: sending our kids tragically misguided lessons for decades!

PS- what is she doing on the cover of this book? What kind of weird dance move is that? No, Claudia. NO.

BTW, since when is Janine sixteen and not fifteen? Why is she the only character that ages in Ann M. Martin’s stupid fictional world? Did she have a birthday when I wasn’t paying attention (which is always)? I could go back and read the books to find out, but that would be a complete waste of my time and neurological function so I won’t bother.

Sweeney: I think Claudia is also thirteen in this book. I hope you enjoyed that birthday that we didn’t get to read about, Claudia, because this is the end of the line for you. Fuck, can you imagine being thirteen forever? Not just any thirteen – Ann M. Martin thirteen. Scholastic book thirteen. Ew.

Nugs: Being thirteen forever would have fucking DESTROYED me. God, that is some adolescent misfortune, right there.

I did, however, notice that Claudia and Mean Janine is RIDDLED with stereotypes. I mean, this family is so Asian that if the book were a live-action movie it would be dubbed. The genius sister uses so many big words it was like going to dictionary.com. Claudia is such an idiot I was surprised they even let her into junior high. Mimi is lucky she was the only one that got a blood clot in the brain.

Also, Kristy Bitch Count: Everyone is freaking out over Stacey’s hair cut like it’s the second coming of the velociraptors and Kristy doesn’t even say anything. Whore.

Taken from http://literarycrap.blogspot.com/, a hilarious BSC recap site that apparently had the same idea I did re: velociraptors.

Sweeney: KRISTY WITH A VELOCIRAPTOR HEAD MIGHT BE THE BEST THING I’VE SEEN ALL WEEK.

Nugs: Me too.

Kristy also makes the babysitters start a play group for the more obnoxious kids that they take care of as a way to finagle even more extra cash. I’m now even more curious as to what she’s doing as an adult. Probably selling client information to Google.

So the main plot of this book is not about Janine acting like the big C, it’s about their grandmother, Mimi, suffering a stroke right after Claudia yells at her for liking Janine better. Oops. Claudia agrees to stay with Mimi to help her recover- and since this takes time away from the Club, she’ll do it for a fee, of course. What an incredible bitch.

Sweeney: Although I read all of these as a kid, I forgot most of it for obvious reasons, but Mimi’s stroke is totally one of those devastating moments I remember from my childhood. IT’S MIMI. SHE WAS LIKE MY OWN GRANDMOTHER, ALL RIGHT? My 8-year-old heart was broken. More importantly, to this day, when I hear about people having strokes my first thought is Mimi. I probably shouldn’t have admitted to that on the internet. Or anywhere.

Nugs: No, I hear that. I recently lost both my grandmothers, so you’d think re-reading this book would have resonated with me somewhat, but this was so poorly written that that was all I could really focus on. I mean, seriously- Mimi recovers super-fast for someone that had a stroke. It’s like in Growing Pains when the baby came back from summer hiatus as a five-year-old.

If only Scholastic books moved along this quickly.

Sweeney: But because #kidsaredumbyo I remember it feeling like she was hospitalized for like a millionty years. In my memory this plot line lasted for several books…

Nugs: It didn’t; they just kept harping on it. Like when Kristy kept bringing up that the club was HER idea, but they ALL helped. Or when they went through all the members, their designated roles and their physical descriptions in EVERY GODDAMN book.

Mimi and Claudia work with flash cards to remember what specific words are in English.

There are some extra scenes in the book that have to do with kids watching kids, Kristy bathing her step-dad’s dog, and other irrelevant shit, but it was really boring, so I didn’t care.

Basically nothing else goes on in Claudia and Mean Janine that’s even worth discussing, except for an ending that I could have predicted without even reading the book, which unfortunately, I did anyway. After the sisters get into another one of their pointless arguments about which one is better (hint: neither), they come to the conclusion that they are both jealous of the other and want to be included in the other’s lives. Janine is in high school and is old enough to drive, so why she wants to be a part of Claudia’s epic fail is beyond me, but I guess you’re supposed to look at the moral of the story here.

BTW, if one more book explains who and what the Baby-Sitters Club is, I’m going to throat-punch all of them.

Sweeney: Specifically the reiteration of the fact that it was KRISTY’S IDEA (butweallhelped). Can we please let the youth mauling bear loose? Pretty please?

Nugs: Sweeney, I think you just wrote the cross-over.

Next time on The Baby-sitters Club: Stacey goes a little crazy over a boy. Will it be enough to earn her the BSC’s first #hosuspension? Find out in  #8 – Boy Crazy Stacey.

Nugs (all posts)

I'm Nugs, the resident In-House Snark Squad Organizational Psychotic, or as Lor, calls it, "Prodigy." I cover the BSC along with Sweeney, Goosebumps, and whatever else I occasionally sneak into. I'm a native New Yorker stuck in LA, so my first language is Brooklynese, with a smattering of colloquial English. I'm a total sci-fi and comic book geek, which the Ladies have fostered by adding to my "impressive" collection of robots and action figures, even though they claim to be afraid of me. Also, if Ryan Gosling ever happens to accidentally stumble upon my posts I will probably be arrested. Oh haaaai.

Nicole Sweeney (all posts)

Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.