Previously: Liz and Todd’s relationship gets all stressed because he’s letting girls ride his hog. That’s what people call a motorcycle, right? Well, Liz and Jess aren’t allowed to ride motorcylces which they spend the whole book telling us.
So naturally, the book ends with Liz getting on the motorcycle without a helmet and immediately being run down by a drunk driver.
Lorraine: Finally, ladies and gentlemen (wait. Do any boys read this blog?)
Finally, I get an exciting SVH book. While I’ve been covering the books where the biggest plot points have been telling us how pretty the girls are, Jess kissing Bruce a millionty times and Jess staying out *gasp* overnight, Sara has been covering Enid dating a wife beater, fat!Robin turning into anorexic!Robin and Liz getting rundown by a van.
Tell me how life is fair, again?
Sara: It’s like Baby Jesus loves me more.
Lor: Well then, Baby Jesus sure does know a lot about SVH books is all I’m saying…
Here we are and here I am rooting for a coma to introduce a little excitement into my kidding-lit-reading life. Sometimes, I wonder about what I’ve become.
We open the book with Jessica crying. Woah, woah. Jessica. I wasn’t even ready. Give a girl some time to warm up, get adjusted and pull out her cry count, yo. Ahem:
So, naturally, our story begins with Francine Ghostwriter being all, “these are the most beautiful, most gorgeous, most blonde, most pretty, even most-er pretty girls you’ve ever seen. And you can’t tell them apart, because they are twins. Except now you CAN tell them apart because one of them is half dead.”
Okay. Sorry. I’m done with the zombie pictures. Maybe. Probably.
Liz isn’t a zombie but we know she’s really sick because she isn’t as radiantly, gorgeously perfect as usual and… I can’t even say it. And…
SHE’S LOST HER TAN.
Sara: *GASP* THE HORROR! And also, ew.
Lor: Meanwhile, Jess is shaking Liz and saying unhelpful things like, “wake-up.” Hmmm. Jess, I think maybe the doctors have already tried the ole “wake-up” trick. It usually works with such conditions like “napping,” “sleeping,” and on occasion “drunkenly passed out.” Unfortunately, comas are somewhere beyond “wake-up.”
Some doctor walks in and I immediately get a Creepy Collins vibe from him. We’ll call him Dr. Inappropriate.
Sara: Oh em gee, I also got that Creepy Collins vibe! The whole time I was reading this scene, I was wondering if Collins had somehow acquired a lab coat and Bruce Wayne’d people into believing he wasn’t that creepy pedobear from school.
Lor: Dammit, Dr. Creepy Pedobear would’ve been amazing, if I hadn’t just named him Dr. Inappropriate. Anyways, he walks in and puts a hand on Jess and says that she, and her zombie/half-dead/she’s-in-a-fucking-coma-you-insensitive-idiot sister are both sososo beautiful. We then learn that Dr. Inappropriate’s name is actually Dr. John Edwards. LOL.
Jess – 2
Dr. In clarifies for Jessica that maybe she won’t die and that she’s the only person who can reach Liz. She just has to keep talking to her.
So, Jess starts her recuper-talking. She tells Coma!Liz that she promises to be more responsible, she admits she’s a jerk, says the accident was all her fault, and finishes with this gem: “You’re being selfish- and I’ll never forgive you if you die.”
Where’s a drunk driver to take down an annoying twin when you need one? Oh, I know. Taking down the wrong twin. A youth mauling bear or a shark would also fix this. “This” being that Jess is an idiotic scrotum wrinkle and needs to be shut up.
Sara: Scrotum wrinkle! *giggle* I’ll make sure to add this insult to my list of names-I-yell-at-people-when-they-cut-me-off-in-traffic. Also, I am boarding the Jessi-shutupanddiebitch train for this book. It’s awfully crowded in here…
Lor: Dr. Inappropriate comes in to ruffle Jess’ hair (WTF) and tell her she’s doing it wrong. He suggests talking to her about everyday things and sisterly memories.
So, Jess brings up the fact that she tried to steal Todd away, the time when she told everyone zzzEnid’s big secret, she says that Liz’s clothes and make-up are okay, but she could use a little slut-ifying makeover.
If I were Liz, I’d wake up from this coma long enough to vag-punch this ho and then slit my own wrists. Worst. Pep talk. Ever. But, alas, Liz does wake up.
Coma over? LAME. LAME LAME LAME.
Sara: Liz probably only woke up because her brain was about to melt into a puddle of Alex Mack goo after having to listen to Jessica babbling on about nothingness for days in a row. Poor Liz brain.
Lor: As the “plot” unfolds, I guess this talk is supposed to be super! significant! but really, you just come away from the whole thing not even paying attention to what Jess is saying, but knowing that you feel bad for Liz brain.
We fast forward a couple of days, and Jess is coming to visit Liz, who is sitting on her bed crying.
Jess – 2
Liz – 1
Jess is all, “you live, bitch. Why you crying?” and Liz is worried about looking totally coma-y and not hot and all-American and tan. Jess is puzzled, but pretty overjoyed that Liz is thinking about make-up instead of boring stuff like “health” and “recuperation.”
Jess helps Liz put some make-up on, and Liz is all NO. I NEED MOAR. And when Jess offers Liz her favorite worn night shirt, Liz is all NO I NEED MY SEXY LINGERIE IN THE HOSPITAL, OBVS.
Sara: Oh. No. Please tell me we don’t have two Jessi-cacas roaming the streets. PLEASE, LORRAINE.
Lor: I wish I could, Sara. I wish I could, but it is slowly becoming clear that Elizabeth has woken up from her coma as some version of a walking, talking ho suspension. Everyone, meet WhoreLizabeth. WhoreLizabeth is so changed from her bump on the head that she barely wants to see or talk to Todd. She feigns sleepiness when he visits, but after he leaves, starts making “statutory rape me” eyes at Dr. Inappropriate.
Sara: To be fair, Liz is already pretty used to making “statutory rape me eyes” at CreepyCollins. She’s a professional by this point.
WhoreLizabeth is released from the hospital with strict orders for rest. A week into her bed rest, she’s complaining about how boring life is. Jess suggests she read, since that was one of her favorite pastimes, and WhoreLiz is all, “I’m a whore now. We don’t read.” Don’t send me angry emails, y’all, I’m just recapping this book, okay?
WhoreLiz is all, “what I really need is a pool party!” Jess suggest they invite all the wonderful boys they know, plus a few of their sorority sisters and zzzzEnid if she had to be included.
“Why invite any of them Jess? Can’t the Wakefield sisters handle all those guys by themselves?”
I CAN’T EVEN. Jess convinces Liz that’s a terrible idea because then all the girls will hate them. WhoreLiz is all, “fiiiiine.”
Sara: If this isn’t the hosuspension to end all hosuspensions… I think Liz needs to be hosuspension’d TWICE.
Lor: I hate to say it, but this seems out of the reach of even ho suspensions. THEY CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH. This might just be a ho expulsion.
Todd comes to visit WhoreLiz, but she’s over him and doesn’t want to see his stupid throat punch-y face.
Jess tries to cover for WhoreLiz but she’s really terrible at being the responsible twin, so far. She realizes this is because she doesn’t care how other people feel. I can appreciate self awareness. Todd is all, “Hey does Liz seem extra whore-y to you?” and Jess is all, “what? Pfft. No. Nah. Not even. I mean, no. Noooooope. Nothing to see here.”
And then this brilliant piece of writing happens:
“Orders are orders,” Jessica insisted. “Once Liz gets back to school, everything will return to normal. You know how much she likes school. She’ll probably have all the work made up and a dozen stories finished for The Oracle before I finish that one stupid book report on Moby Dick. I mean, Todd, who really cares about whales?” Jessica asked in annoyance.
Todd did, but he let the comment slide by.
LOL. I’m totally in favor of anything that reminds us that Todd loves the whales.
Sara: That Sweet Valley quote just made my entire life. I think this might speak volumes about the sadness of my life.
Lor: Liz makes it back to school, in a green mini-dress of course, and so starts a string of everyone mistaking Liz for Jess and Jess for Liz. I should be a little more excited for Jess getting a taste of her medicine, but the point of me wanting Jess to be less of douche-faced-sperm-licker is not so that LIZ can take her place.
Liz blows Jess off during party preparations to go buy a string bikini. At the party, WhoreLiz goes around ignoring Todd and Jess (who creepily stare at her the entire time) and flirting with every boy there. Jess watches and slowly begins to realize that
1.) Liz has basically turned into her. BUT WHO IS SHE NOW?
b.) She kind of sucks. A lot. At life.
cat.) No, seriously. How does anyone deal with her?
Sara: With lots and lots drugs.
Lor: Sounds like a party! I mean, a very bad, bad decision.
We interrupt this strange plot to bring you even more contrivance! The Wakefield parents (oh hey! How are you guys? How is life? How goes ignoring that your daughter is now a whore?) have friends who are going out of town, and definitely don’t want to bring their kids with them. Parents in Sweet Valley roll like that. Anyhow, family friends are leaving their twin daughters with the Wakefield’s.
Mostly, I think, this is to highlight just how out of control WhoreLiz is, since there are only so many times they can tell us she is flirting and not doing her homework.
Anyhow, the 12 year-old-twins Contri and Vance come over.
Sara: Wait. Contri? Does that sound a little too close to Cunty for anyone else?
Lor: Those aren’t their real names. If you put them together it’s… never mind. #jokefail
Anyways, Jess tries to out-Jess Liz and gets her to agree to watch Contri and Vance while she goes out on a hot date.
Did I ever tell you about the front seat in Danny’s car? It slides back and reclines and—and I probably don’t have to draw you a picture, do I?”
WHAT THE HELL? #hosuspension
WhoreLiz is all, “get it girlfriend! I’ll watch the kids,” but of course this means she just puts on another mini-skirt, sneaks out and strands Jess with Contri and Vance.
Jess is pissed. And so is Danny when he shows up. She thinks about leaving them home alone, but this isn’t Stoneybrook and people in Sweet Valley may be completely ridiculous, but they at least know that you don’t leave 12 year olds home alone, and you certainly don’t put them in charge of other children. Ahem.
Danny is all, “woah. How are we supposed to have Sweet Valley notsex sex with two kids in the back seat?” Jess vaguely promises a blow job.
“Danny,” she said hesitantly. “I’ll make it up to you.
“Make it up? How?”
Jessica knew she was getting in deeper than she wanted to, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. “Any way you want,” she finally said.
“Okay! Let’s go, munchkins. You don’t look much like lucky charms, but that’s what you’re turning out to be.”
I don’t know. I’m assuming blow job, but I could be wrong. SEX IN SWEET VALLEY IS SO CONFUSING. On second thought, yes Jessica. I DO need you to draw me a picture.
Sara: I’m almost hoping it’s a blow jay, because my first thought was the evil, dreaded buttsex.
Lor: I didn’t even think about buttsex!! I’m so innocent.
Off the foursome go and things go not well. Apparently Contri and Vance do really annoying things like “talk” and “eat,” which puts a damper on front seat blow jobs. Jess comes home and starts crying to her parents, but she can’t really explain well why she is upset because she can’t tell them Liz is a whore now and she can’t tell them her BJ-night was ruined. Not that her parents care or notice.
Jess – 3
Liz – 1
As Jess walks upstairs, wondering what the fuck just happened and how she ended up having her parents proud of her on a night she planned on breaking in the reverse cowgirl, she hears Elizabeth crying.
Cry Count Whiplash!
Jess – 3
Liz – 2
Liz had a nightmare. This is really insignificant. Uh… sorry I brought it up!
What follows is a string of WhoreLiz acting more and more like RegularJessica:
- WL ignores zzzEnid and then tries to steal her boyfriend George
- WL tries to steal Lila’s boyfriend (Sara: OH NO SHE DIDN’T.)
- WL tries to steal Ken Matthews from some Susan chick
- WL uses her gossip column in the school newspaper to break up Ken and Susan
- WL gets Winston to hand over his history paper and turns it in as her own
- WL lies to the guidance counselor about being all dizzy and shit and unable to do school work
- WL completely ignores Todd
WhoreLiz is getting to Todd. I mean, aside from the fact that she’s his gf and completely ignoring him, she’s flirting with EVERYONE except for him. That’s got to give you some penis-complex or something.
At the basketball game, Todd is super distracted, especially since WhoreLiz is sitting next to Ken and flirting the whole time. Todd can’t make a single shot, is tripping over himself and can’t focus. When a player from the other school asks, “girl trouble?” and laughs Todd is all, OH NO YOU DI’NT. GET READY TO BE THROAT PUNCHED.
Sara: YES! THROAT PUNCH TODD IS BACK! Sigh. He’s so dreamy!
Lor: Yay! Yay, yay, yay! The fact that Todd gets all punch-y makes up for the fact that his nickname on the team is, “Wizzer Wilkins.”
LOL. NOT REALLY. Wizzer Wilkins! LOL. Take a ride on that motorcycle.
The coach asks the other players WTF is up with Todd and they tell him about how Liz used to be the nicest girl at school and is now a *coughSLUTcough.* Coach understands.
So. WhoreLiz gets caught for the term paper she copied and gets grounded.
Todd is being stalkery and waiting around on the Wakefield porch. He is really worried about Liz. Jess is really sad because no one is asking her out anymore. Instead, they all come to sign up for the easier twin, WhoreLiz. And somehow, Jess manages to make Liz being a whore all about her.
WL shows up on the back of Max Dellon’s motorcycle. Todd gets all punch-y and chases after the motorcycle in his Datsun. He pulls Liz off of it and she’s yelling, “Freak! You’re kidnapping me!” Details, Liz. Details. It is for you own good!
Sara: Wait. So Liz is riding on the back of a motorcycle. And Todd drives up next to the motorcycle in his Datsun. And pulls her off? Is that even physically poss…. Y’know what, forget it. I just want to see Todd throat punch someone else.
Lor: Contri and Vance need to be driven somewhere so that Jess can see Danny with the Reclining Seat making out with another girl. Girlfriend, what did you expect? You promised him sex and all he got out of the deal was two kids. That kind of sounds like the tag line for Teen Mom, season 56. Anyways:
Jess – 4
Liz – 2
Remember how Liz was grounded? JAKAY! I mean, if comas don’t last more than 3 pages in this book, imagine groundings. Lila Fowler is having a party (are parties the new dances? Did the school budget run low?) and you are supposed to come alone and… solicit a date? I’m not sure what this “pick-up” party is really about, but it’s creeping me the fuck out.
Sara: Does it involve the guys putting their keys in a bowl? #manhosuspension
Lor: Because Liz would be going without a date, Wakefield Parents decide they can allow her off her grounding for plagiarism because they have shit to do, really, that doesn’t involve good or consistent parenting.
Anyhow, Jess and Liz dress up like matadors for the Prostitution Party. I think there is a joke in here about bullshit. I think I just made it.
WhoreLiz is being an even bigger whore, and God, this is getting boring! Thankfully, Bruce the Prat Patman pulls out alcohol. Dear sweet Jesus, Bruce. Pass some over here. WhoreLiz is taking it down and Bruce is celebrating the date rape he sees in his future.
They ditch the party, because it’s much easier for Bruce to take advantage of girls in 1Bruce1. Liz makes out with him for a little, and then is all, “this is fun, but a lot less fun than getting my drank on. Can we go back inside?”
Bruce is a regular boy scout, prepared for any situations, because from behind the driver’s seat he pulls out a bottle of wine and a paper cup. OH. MY. GOD. This is by far the best moment of ever. I’m not sure what would happen if I were on a date and a guy had a warm bottle of wine and some rape cups handy. It varies between, “running away like a maniac” and “laughing so hard and then just doing him anyways.”
Sara: Personally, I keep my rape cups in the glove compartment. Much classier.
Lor: Classy as shit.
Before Liz gets too happy with her paper cups ‘o rape, Todd and the Datsun show up. YES. This is even better than the wine!
Todd knocks Bruce out with one fucking punch. Like a boss. Todd, CALL ME.
Sara: Can we make that a three-way call? *eyebrow wiggle*
Lor: *eyebrow wiggle back*
Bill Chase, who I think we’ve met before but I totally forgot? Maybe? wants to ask Liz out on a date. He’s some combination of really nice and pretty insensitive and goes to ask Todd for permission. Todd is all, “whatever man! I don’t even care. She can do what she wants.”
What he doesn’t say is, “I show up to all of WhoreLiz’s dates with my Datsun and I will knock you the fuck out.” That should be like a surgeon generals warning: required.
Liz says yes to Bill because she’s easy. Then Bruce asks her out because getting into Liz’s pants is apparently worth being knocked out cold. Liz says yes to Bruce because she’s easy. And so now, Liz is double booked for Saturday.
Sara: Double booked sounds dirrrty. Or maybe everything sounds dirrrty when it comes to Bruce.
Lor: When Bill shows up to pick up Liz who is out with Bruce, Jessica gets all Jessica-y and dresses up as WhoreLiz and is all, “here I am!” About 10 minutes into their date, Bill is declaring his eternal love for Liz. That’s nice Bill, but do you have wine and Dixie cups? Not impressed.
(And suddenly I have Shania Twain’s That Don’t Impress Me Much playing in my head.)
Jess is trying to mastermind and tells Bill, “are you sure you don’t actually love my sister Jessica?” and Bill is all, “LOL. NO. She’s lame.”
Sara: Point for Bill!
Lor: Meanwhile, Liz and Bruce are at the love shack (or beach house, or whatever) and GUYS. BRUCE TOUCHES HER BOOB. Todd is somewhere punching things and he doesn’t even know why, but it’s because he’s been dating her for like 6 books and never got this far.
Bruce goes down stairs to grab his Dixie cups and wine and WhoreLiz accidently trips on a rug and hits her head on a desk. That knock to the noggin is enough to bitch slap WhoreLiz away and leave Elizabeth right as rain.
So… she’s like a vending machine? A Nintendo 64? An old timey TV? You just smack (possibly blow) and suddenly it works again? Kay.
Liz is distraught and doesn’t know what she’s doing there and why her lady parts are all tingly. I might have assumed that last part. Bruce walks in and she freaks out because so would you. Maybe not Sara. She’d be all, “haaii Bruce, haaiii. Pass me a cup!”
Sara: Hey! I’m not that easy! It would at least have to be RED wine.
Lor: Noted and filed away.
Liz accuses Bruce of kidnapping her and he is outraged. He would never kidnap! But he might try and rape her. Riiiiiight now. Bruce is all, “no blue balls for me!” and tells Liz that she WILL give him what he wants and that if she doesn’t he’ll tell everyone at school they had sex.
So… basically, you are going to tell everyone at school either way, right? Cool.
Liz fights back but:
“I’ve got real strong hands, Liz,” he said. “From tennis, see?”
What a creeper. You can keep your Dixie cups, BRUCE. He starts rape-kissing her and she bites his lip. He’s all, “owies! That hurts :’(” about it, giving Liz time to run away. Perhaps Brucey-wuce should play tennis with his weakling lips, yeesh.
Liz runs out and Todd happens to be… like passing by? I don’t know. The book is almost over. We’ve entered into “no questions asked” land and I’m okay with that.
Todd is all, “I can tell by your angelic and serene expression that you have returned to me, Angelic and Serene Liz!” Liz is still freaking out because she was almost raped! Todd is all, “shhh. Never mind that,” and makes out with her to get her mind off of the fact THAT SHE WAS ALMOST RAPED. Nothing like a kiss or a millionty to put your mind at ease.
Back over with Jess, Bill is all, “Seriously. I do NOT love Jess, I love YOU” because Jess (still pretending to be Liz) keeps insisting. Finally, Jess is all, “SIKE. I am Jess!” And then Bill is all, “Oh. Well, seeing as how I’ve loved you for 10 minutes and you’ve been Jess for those ten minutes, maybe I do love Jess?”
Aw. So romantic.
And thus, we end the book that had coma, slutting it up, WhoreLiz, too many mini-skirts to mention, tears, cups ‘o rape, and strong tennis hands.
This book did not let me down.
Next time on Sweet Valley High: Will Jess break Bill’s heart into a million pieces? (Probably.) Find out in #8 – Heart Breaker.