BSC #012 “Claudia and the New Girl” – Or Jesus Christ, what a heinous bitch.

Previously: Kristy’s cuntiness is rivaled when a snob in her neighborhood makes fun of her dead dog. Their book long hatred is solved, however, when Kristy throws pizza on the snob’s dog. Please, feel free to solve all of your problems this way.
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Nugs: Attention everyone: I have found a character in YA fiction that is more obnoxious and cunty than Kristy Thomas.

Sweeney: Lies. Unless it’s that girl who made fun of her dying dog, because that was pretty low.

Nugs: I forgot about her.

Anyway, I know you’re all, like, WTF? But it is possible for someone to be even more insufferable than Kristy, and she is in this piece of classic literature:

Nice Uggs, girlfriend. Where are we, Little House on the Conventional Prairie?

I almost prefer the lobster earrings.

Sweeney: I’ll be honest, I always supported the lobster earrings…

Nugs: Anyway, we open with a scintillating look into Claudia’s brain as she discusses the fly that’s been circling the classroom for the last nine years (or maybe that’s just how long I’ve been reading). She mentions that she never does any of the assigned homework for her English class, and also wonders if flies have “eyesight” or “flysight.” Good Lord, is this girl an idiot.

Sweeney: (1) So punny, Claudia. (2) Given that the primary characteristic of Claudia’s entries in the BSC notebook that we are forced to read as chapter intros in the other girls’ books is her inability to spell, all I have to say is, “YEAH GIRL, WE KNOW YOU’VE NEVER COMPLETED AN ASSIGNMENT FOR YOUR ENGLISH CLASS.”

Nugs: The English teacher gives a spelling test, and Claudia makes it a point to let us all know that she’s proud of all the words she’s going to get right- and then proceeds to get every one of them incorrect.

The new girl comes in, and this ho’s name is Ashley Wyeth. She’s dressed like a “hippie,” with a long skirt and hiking boots, and six holes in her ears. Um, these girls didn’t have another birthday or anything, right? It’s still seventh grade? Claudia smiles at Ashley, who just stares at her like a sullen lunatic. I already hate her.

Sweeney: Nugs, come on now, they’re trapped in the eighth grade for all of eternity. Learn about it. But also, isn’t that more or less the way we describe Dawn in every book? California-tofu-hippie? Dear Ann M. Martin Ghost Writing Collective: you are running out of stereotypes. I think it’s time for you to introduce a non-white girl. Or at least a ginger. Oh, wait…

Nugs: The diversity in the BSC series is apparently coming up soon, Sweeney. Way to blow the Ghostwriter’s cover.

After suggesting that the teacher assign extra work for her because people were smarter in her old school (HAAAAAAATE), Ashley reveals to Claudia that she wants to be a “sculptress.” That is so pretentious and annoying. Seriously, you’re four. When I was that young I wanted to be a doctor, and a ballerina, and an actress. Then I wound up doing this shit. But anyway.

Claudia begins her rant about how the Baby-Sitters Club was Kristy’s idea, but they all helped, and describes everyone in it, just like in EVERY FUCKING BOOK. Then Mimi mentions “special tea” and I get super excited, but sadly, it really is just tea. #sads. This is literally the entire second chapter. If you want to check out now, no one would blame you.

Sweeney: Good. I’ll be off playing the BSC drinking game.

Nugs: There’s seriously a BSC Drinking Game? That’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all week.

Update: It’s hilarious, and all of you should check it out.

The next day at school, it turns out that Ashley is in Claudia’s art class. Claudia is a little too excited and I wonder which of our BSC girls will, in fact, wind up on the softball team next year. Ashley and Claudia share portfolios and Ashley says that she studied at the Keyes Art Center in Chicago.

BTW, I Googled this place, mostly in an effort to prove Ann M. Martin wrong, and nothing on any “Keyes Art Center” in Chicago came up. This is the most extensive research I have ever done on any post for this blog besides finding pictures of the covers of the books. So I’m not saying the Keyes Art Center doesn’t exist, I’m merely insinuating that Ann M. Martin makes shit up.

Claudia’s school is having an art show, and Ashley decides that they have to enter. I don’t know why she can’t do this shit on her own; she sounds like some kind of cult leader:

“You have to enter,” said Ashley. “It would be a sin not to. You shouldn’t waste your talent. I could help you,” she went on. “I bet I could teach you lots of things. Show you ways to branch out. And I only spend time on people with talent.”

What in the fuckity fuck? Is this porn?

Sweeney: Woah now. Kristy’s a raging bitch, but I never saw “Future Cult Leader” on her “Where Are They Now?” episode… This girl is a special kind of crazy.

Nugs: Totally. I can’t decide whether I’m frightened or a little turned on. Probably more frightened.

The next few centuries chapter follows Claudia on a baby-sitting gig where she runs into Ashley, who chastises her for not locking herself in her room and devoting herself to drawing Kate Winslet naked or something. Claudia thinks Ashley seems “grown-up.”

Sweeney: Wasn’t that the reason Claudia developed a girlcrush on Stacey when she moved to town? Hmm…

Nugs: Meanwhile, I think she seems like someone who needs a brick in the face.

The next day, Ashley demands that they eat lunch together, away from the rest of the Club. While normally I would revel in a few pages away from Kristy and her excessive deserved-ness of the Youth-Mauling Bear, this girl really needs somebody to remove the stick from her flowy-skirted ass.

Claudia eventually begins to miss club meetings as she follows Ashley around as they look for things to sculpt for the show. Ashley keeps spotting inanimate objects and pointing them out, exclaiming pretentious boneheaded commentary such as “Look at this fire hydrant! Look at this gum wrapper!” Look at me trying to slit my wrists!

Her friends choose the passive-aggressive route, leaving notes for her under her pillow about what a bitch she’s being and eating all her candy. In one emotional narrative, Stacey cries when she imagines Claudia not liking her anymore. Really? REALLY? And why are you still having meetings at Claudia’s house, anyway? She doesn’t even care enough to show up. B&E;, girls: learn about it. It’s illegal, yo.

Sweeney: In the land where babies watch babies, laws on trespassing are clearly just not a thing.

Nugs: This goes on for a while until there’s an epic throw-down in the school hallway between Ashley and the Club. In a moment I actually did kind of love, Stacey, my girl from NYC, gives Ashley the stank-eye and SMACs, “nice dress.” LOLOL. Ashley’s response is to introduce herself as Claudia’s mentor (OMGSRSLY! YOU’RE TWO!) and to emo, “who needs friends when you have art?” She then tells Claudia to sculpt “love. With gentle curves and tender feelings.”

Seriously, Ladies. We should make a lexicon of Ashley quotes.

Sweeney: And a new drinking game!

Nugs: Ashley’s psycho-ness comes out in full force when she sees Claudia baby-sitting and gets angry when Claudia isn’t eternally falling all over herself for her teachings. Um, OK. She calls Claudia “ungrateful and foolish,” and it’s like, whatever, bitch. Stop being sixty and like, go see a movie or something. Then, in an epic display of creepy, Claudia decides to sculpt one of the little kids she sits for.

This book is like Psycho, Single White Female and um, I don’t know… The Smurfs.

Ashley finds out about this and tells Claudia she’s “ruining her career.” Is this like the prequel to that movie where the little nine-year-old was really some homicidal fifty-year-old dwarf? What kid talks like this? NO. Delete.

Sweeney: I’m intrigued by the level of creeperdom we’re getting to see in quiet Stoneybrook. I mean, it’s still no non-stop-soap-opera like Sweet Valley, but developing a mentally disturbed stalker friend? I didn’t realize the AMMGWC (Ann M. Martin Ghost Writing Collective) had that in them. I’m impressed.

Nugs: Stoneybrook is really starting to look more and more like Sweet Valley.

Claudia, for some reason I can’t figure out other than that she’s a pussy, calls Ashley to explain that even though she’s a moron, she is, in fact a normal thirteen-year-old that enjoys things like, I don’t know, breathing fresh air and eating. Ashley says she understands and then promptly hangs up on her.

Cunt.

The rest of the Club forgives her after she writes them this poem:

Long ago in another time, I had four friends and they were mine
Then I found an artist who, said I am good and so are you
So I followed her here and there, and round and round and everywhere
But she was false and it took you, to show me friends that are really true

It’s a good thing Claudia’s good at art.

At any rate, Claudia’s sculpture wins the honorable mention in the show, while Ashley’s takes First Prize. Ashley later continues to be a sociopath while I inexplicably make it through another book.

 

Next time on The Baby-sitters Club: On the mend from this girlcrush gone bad, Claudia’s original girlcrush, Stacey, is heading back to NY. How many pre-teen emotions will we be able to handle? Find out in #13 – Goodbye, Stacey, Goodbye!
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