Lorraine: It would be very ungrateful of us to let Thanksgiving pass by without acknowledging it in some way. Truth be told, Childhood Trauma has quickly become my favorite thing on the Internet. That’s including kitties, laughing babies, that crazy, honey badger, hiding your wife and your kids and my personal blog.
Sweeney: Agreed. I love it even more than collection of awful movie gifs. That’s a lot of love.
Nugs: I love it more than I love my collection of Ryan Gosling shirtless pics- wait. No. Sorry, but that will always come first:
Lorraine: If I’m honest, the reason making fun of these books is so much fun (for us at least) is because once upon a time, I loved them too.
Sweeney: Let’s be honest: we still do. We will never admit to this again, mind you, but we still do love these books…
Sara: The Wakefield twins will always hold a special place in my heart. I love those bitches. <3
Nugs: I hold a soft spot for Stacey McGill, her being from NYC and all. I like to think we would have the same Brooklyn accent.
Lorraine: You see how all of that just flowed out? Like we’ve been meaning to say it all along. Or, uh, something.
So, thank you, RL Stine, Ann M. Martin, Francine Pascal, Gertrude Warner, Carolyn Keene and every single ghost writer out there. Thank you for your commitment to hundreds and hundreds of books. We understand how much plot recycling it took. We know how many times you had to say, “continuity? No thanks,” for the sake of keeping the books we love alive.
Sweeney:It’s true – that’s a serious skill! They had to constantly make sure that their plot lines disrupted preexisting continuity. We thank you for your dedication.
Sara: And coming up with shocking twist endings like everyone being a dog? Ah-maz-ing.
Nugs: And also setting unrealistic goals for teenage girls and their body images everywhere? We salute you, Francine Pascal! My grocery list would never be the same again!
Lorraine: But we of course also have to thank our blog readers. Mostly, I think, for not judging grown-ass women for reading kiddie books. Also, though, for reading along.
And to those of you readers who comment? MAY THE THANKSGIVING ANGEL BLESS THEE WITH FOOD. The Thanksgiving angel is something I just made up right now, but still. The sentiment remains. I have a feeling our posts aren’t the easiest to comment on, but to those of you who do: you deserve the angel.
Sweeney: That was really uncharacteristic of this blog… to make up a mythical character… we don’t do things like that around here…
Sara: Throat Punch Todd is my favorite mythical creature!
Nugs: I prefer the Spreadsheet Fairy.
Lorraine: Know what else I’m thankful for? Ho suspensions. Finally I feel like I can express my frustration with ho-y behavior. Identification is really the first step in the road to recovery. Thank you, ho suspensions.
Sara: Issuing a ho suspension in public is probably the greatest experience ever. Please try it the next time you see someone doing something Jessicaca Wakefield would do.
Sweeney: I’m thankful that I know you and Sara and that you guys created the concept of Ho Suspensions, because my life is so much better now that I can mentally dole out Ho Suspensions to strangers. And I’m super thankful to Nugs for suffering through Stoneybrook with me and Lily for dropping by with martinis to talk about fictional non-homeless kids.
Nugs:I am super thankful for you guys for allowing me to totally nerd out and be seriously cray-cray about the following:
1) Spreadsheeting and color-coding and all that is holy
B) Gosling (oh haaaai)
HONEY BADGER) Masturbating cat graphics of which I have an inordinate amount
DD) Being the crypt-keeper (I am super fucking old)
Lorraine: OH SNAP. You guys just busted out the mushy: I’m really, really thankful for are the other members of the Snark Squad. Truth is, when approached with the idea of revisiting all these old books, each SS member responded almost immediately with a resounding “YES.” Not that that alone makes them awesome, but almost.
Sara: A big YES, OMG, CAN WE START RIGHT NOW – I’M ON MY WAY.
Lorraine: I can honestly email these bitches about the giant tongue that’s on the front of my latest Gbumps book or real life stuff like work or stress, and I know that they’ll always listen. I’m almost done being mushy, but it’s important to have friends who will freak the fuck out with you when RL Stine Tweets you back, is all I’m saying.
Sweeney: I have spent the last few days emailing these girls about my own life drama; you all have kept me sane. Insert big sob-tastic hug here.
Nugs: I love you guys SOHARD. I long for the day when we are all in the same room together and can sobtastic hug for real. With sharks. And masturbating cats.
Lorraine: That’s real nice, Nuggy. But you can keep the masturbating cats to yourself…
Before we finish, I think we should take a moment and reflect on what our favorite authors would be thankful for today. I mean, sure, Nugs could go stalk RL and ask him herself, but we don’t want to push our luck.
Nugs: Can and will, thanks.
RL Stine is thankful for…
Lorraine: An attic full of dummies!
Sweeney: Cheap and easy innuendo in childhood stories!
Sara: Us being his best friends!
Nugs:Continuity! Oh, wait…
Francine Pascal is thankful for…
Lorraine: Perfect size six asses!
Sweeney: Not having #fatgirlproblems.
Sara: Minority characters! ……LOL JK. She’s thankful for tanning beds.
Nugs:Overly dramatic definitions of all her characters!
Ann M. Martin is thankful for…
Lorraine: The seventh grade. Forever and ever.
Sweeney: The prevalence of stereotypes to write your characters for you!
Sara: Puppies, because they solve all problems.
Nugs: Uh… ghost writers?
Gertrude Warner is thankful for…
Lorraine: Those times when you don’t have a roof over your head.
Sweeney: Or those times when you have a mansion but still identify yourself as being without a roof…
Sara: Small words.
Nugs: The word “mystery.” Obvs.
Carolyn Keene is thankful for…
Lorraine: …lack of police?
Sweeney: How easy it is to make blatantly false accusations.
Sara: Naive children.
Nugs: Alliteration! “Ned Nickerson?” I mean, seriously.
Clearly, there is a lot in this world to be thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
♥
The Snark Squad
Those of you who have been following us on Twitter know that Sweeney, our resident Intellectual Snark Lady, has had a crazy last few days. This morning, she received good news on that front. We are infinitely thankful to those of you who showed your support. We keep the Sweeney family in our thoughts and hope that they will be reunited with their son very shortly.