Previously: Jessica messed with some poor dude’s heart but got her comeuppance when she ended the book totally alone like a lonely loner. Todd’s hottie ex-girlfriend best friend shows up and Liz gets to be that crazy girl 99% of women would turn into if their boyfriend were rubbing creamy substances on another woman. But, he apologizes and all is well.
—
Sara: Let me preface this post by saying that I was beyond excited when I saw that I would finally get to review a book that was mostly about Lila. I mean, I’m #TeamJess when it comes to the Jess and Liz drama, but if there is ever a #TeamLila involved? I’ll be the one with the team sweatshirt, key chain, and coffee mug, thanks. Lila is basically the richest, most fashionable, and funniest bitch in Sweet Valley.
Lorraine: I suppose I’m #TeamDearGodAnyoneButJessPLEASE. So, uh, haaai Lila, haaiii!
Ew. Poor people hands.
Sara: Ghostwriter Pascal opens the book, yet again, with Jessica checking herself out in the mirror. The one time they get continuity right, of course it’s the thing that annoys me most in these books. Jess is modeling a business suit, which she says isn’t really her color and doesn’t really look so gr- OH WAIT. The book has quickly informed us that the suit does indeed look amazing on Jessica. Whew, I was worried for a minute there.
Jessica tells her twin that gossiping about boys and laying out at the beach all day are so juvenile, and she’s ready to be mature and get a job. Hey Jess, a word of advice from the working woman: Gossiping about boys and laying out at the beach never get old, bitch. Those things actually get even more awesome with time.
Lorraine: Truth. Being an adult actually just means “having less time to gossip and lay out on the beach.” I’m pretty sure you can Google that for confirmation.
Sara: Elizabeth ruins Jessica’s fun by asking if this is all about a boy, and Jess gets butthurt about Liz assuming what is probably the truth. After Liz doormats (already in the first chapter!), the girls go downstairs for an all-American breakfast of pancakes where Jessica asks Daddy Ned Wakefield if she can work at his law firm.
The next chapter opens with my main girl, Lila, complaining about the rainy weather. Jessica makes fun of the fact that Lila’s hair frizzes in the rain, while Jessica’s hair stays perfect and awesome. (Reasons We Love Lila #175.)
Lorraine: I never thought I would be this excited over someone else’s frizzy hair! Sweet Valley has one bar, one town drunk, it used to have a fat person and now it has someone with frizzy hair! Go ahead Sweet Valley, with your bad self.
Sara: Lila mentions going to the Dairi Burger after school, and Jessica informs her that she will be busy working instead.
“Work? Why? Why on earth would you do that?”
Word, Lila.
After Lila has gone through the appropriate levels of shock and disbelief, she makes sure Jessica will still be able to attend the Bart dance next week, an event that will be thrown after the Barton Ames Memorial Mile. The BAMM! (as I like to call it) is a race in which the winner receives a scholarship to Sweet Valley College. And thank Jeezy there’s a dance after it, because it feels like it has been far too long without a Sweet Valley dance.
Not dancing? Ticketed!
Lor: Sometimes I feel like maybe Sweet Valley is the opposite of Elmore City. Not dancing is illegal.
Sara: As the girls are walking to class, they see Roger Barrett running down the hall. He’s described as having thick-framed glasses, cheap-looking jeans, frayed socks, well worn sneakers, and a flannel shirt. So I’m pretty sure Roger Barrett is a hipster. But because hipsters weren’t cool in 1985, we can only assume Roger Barrett, the hipster, is the biggest loser in school.
Lor: At least he probably has a ton of excellent music he discovered before everyone else to keep him company at night?
Sara: Let’s just hope none of those bands make it to the radio, Lor.
Because he’s the biggest loser in school, he slips in a puddle of water and busts his ass in front of everyone in the hallway. I can’t even judge because this exact same thing happened to me, except it was in college and it was on the first day of classes so fucking everyone saw it. If I had been wearing hipster clothes like Roger, I probably could have played it off better.
Roger has a major crush on the unattainable Lila Fowler and is humiliated that he just made a fool of himself in front of her. Lila and Jessica at least have the decency to wait to laugh until he runs off, and don’t even try to be all judgy and say that you don’t laugh when people fall down because that’s just a way of life, y’all. Someone busting it right in front of you is like God’s little gift.
Jessica suggests Lila let Roger take her to the BAMM! dance, and Lila gets all super snobby and says that she could never date a boy like Roger Barrett because ew, y’all, he doesn’t even have a car. Don’t be gross, Jessica.
The entire school goes to watch the BAMM! pre-race because I guess they’re full of school spirit or something. Roger is there to watch, too, and staring sadly at the track. Liz notices that and goes into full on bitchy snoop mode. “You want to be out there, don’t you, Roger?” she gently asks him. Roger is all, “Bitch, please. Butt the fuck out,” because he doesn’t want anyone to find out that he can’t compete on account of his having a job that won’t let him have time off on the day of the actual BAMM! race. His boss is apparently a complete piece of shit, because he won’t let Roger have one freaking morning off to compete in a school activity. Poor Poor Roger.
Lor: Meanwhile, Jess and Lila are probably still laughing about his busting his ass and not having a car. DOUBLE STANDARDS, YO.
Sara: Psh, they had the courtesy to wait until he left to make fun of him, instead of blasting his poor people bi’ness in front of all of his friends. *Z snap* #TeamLila #TeamJess
Elizabeth is the only person who knows about Roger’s job as a janitor at her father’s office because seriously, CAN THIS GIRL EVER STOP SNOOPING? He really doesn’t want anyone to find out that he’s a janitor, because he’s in Sweet Valley and people make fun of fat people all the time and poor people are probably on the same part of the social ladder as fat people, which is to say, they aren’t on the ladder at all, because all the people of Sweet Valley have pushed them off.
Lor: The good news is that maybe they can have the bottom few rungs if they become anorexic. Hooray life goals!
Sara: Hopefully their malnourished arms will be able to hold them up on that ladder for an extended period of time!
Roger’s friend Olivia the Hipster is all, “OHMYGOD LEAVE HIM ALONE” and Liz is like, “Maybe Roger should be more interested in this race on account of IT GIVES POOR PEOPLE SCHOLARSHIPS TO SCHOOLS.”
Wow, really smooth, Liz. Way to blast someone’s financial situation in front of all of your fucking friends. God, I wish Roger would kick her in the face.
After Liz makes her nosy and very rude observation, everyone gets quiet and awkward because they’re all busy thinking about how poor Roger is and judging his shitty poor people clothing. Then everyone starts being super extra obnoxious and being all, “Hm, Roger, your clothes do look a little Goodwilly, maybe you should seriously think about this scholarship,” and Roger is all, “OHMYFUCKINGGOD, FUCK YOU PEOPLE IN THE FUCKING ASS, I HATE YOU.”
Lor: Meanwhile, his mom is sick and his dad is a drunk. Poor people are so unhappy.
Sara: Lila catches on to the conversation and decides to take care of shit the classy way. “I don’t mean to butt into your business, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I think Liz is right, Roger. You ought to be out there.” She’s really just fucking with him to be a bitch, but Poor Roger is kind of an idiot (probably because he’s poor), so he immediately shoots down to the track and is at the starting lane in 3.2 seconds. *Cue whip crack*
Elizabeth calls Lila out on being a bitch, and Lila points out that Liz was the one trying to get him to run, and Lila just accomplished it for her.
“Maybe you’re just jealous I’ve succeeded where you failed?”
Word.
Lor: Oh, wow. Lila is kind of a bitch. But still, a bitch with frizzy hair.
Sara: When the race begins, Roger stays at the back of the group, but as the laps go by, he slowly makes his way to the front and eventually ends up winning the thing with an incredible time. During the race, Jessica points out to Lila that Roger is probably going to be pretty popular around school, all because he’s a good runner. …Sweet Valley is really weird.
After the race, Lila is all up on Roger’s jock. Roger is obviously pretty happy about this development aka his penis likes it a lot.
The high school coach comes up to Roger and tells him that they’ll have to practice every day after school at 2:30. But that’s the time Roger has to work every day! Ruh roh! He tries to tell the coach that he won’t be able to make it to practices, or the BAMM! race for that matter, so he can’t participate, but the coach walks off before he can share the news. Wait, Roger has to work every single day after school AND on Saturdays? Dude, that boss is a total dick.
Lor: HE’S REALLY POOR OKAY. HE NEEDS THE MONEY, SARA.
Sara: Oh, shit, I almost forgot Roger was poor. OH WAIT, NO I DIDN’T, BECAUSE SWEET VALLEY CANNOT LET US FORGET.
Olivia saw Lila eyehumping Roger and is all butthurt. Roger comes up to say hi to her, and she walks off all, “NO I’M NOT ANGRY DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT,” and Roger is confused because he’s a high school boy, and they have no idea what kind of passive aggressiveness a female is capable of. Seriously, it’s terrifying.
Roger goes to tell the principal he can’t participate in the race, but Principal Cooper gives him a brand new, free Sweet Valley tracksuit. And then he can’t quit, because, hello? Free sweatpants. I fucking love sweatpants, and I am #TeamRoger #TeamSweatpants on this one.
Oh, plus the track suit makes him even more popular at school, because apparently that’s something kids wear to school in Sweet Valley?
Everyone thinks Roger is the cat’s meow, and Olivia is always sitting off to the side somewhere moping about how Roger doesn’t like her like her even though he doesn’t even know that she likes him likes him, and she’s writing poetry and crying and probably taking lots of emo pictures for her Myspace profile.
Lor: It’s all about angles and black eyeliner, Olivia, but I totally wouldn’t know anything about that at all.
Sara: Lila tells Jessica and Cara that she has now commenced Challenge: Roger Barrett as her next target. Jessica eats a huge cheeseburger and Lila hates that Jess can eat anything, while Lila has to work her ass off to stay thin. (Reasons We Love Lila #589).
Lila decides to approach Challenge: Roger Barrett by writing him a poem:
Roger Barrett, a boy so fine.
His speedy running is so divine.
In school, too, he is very smart.
He’ll walk away with the trophy at the Bart.
In everything he operates at the highest stratum.
We at Sweet Valley are so proud we have him.
Man, it’s a good thing she’s pretty.
Roger calls Olivia the Hipster because he has to tell someone that he can’t run in the BAMM! because of his job. She’s understanding, like a best friend. Then she decides that since she can’t help him, she’s going to call some nosy bitch who can. Hm, I wonder who that could be.
While Elizabitch is busy meddling in his life, Roger goes to the principal to tell him he can’t run in the BAMM! The principal is excited to inform him that Elizabitch’s dad called Roger’s boss and told him that the law requires time off. Wow, good job, guys. Now Roger’s boss can hate him and make his life miserable. This Wakefield family is awesome, y’all.
But Roger is excited about getting to run in the BAMM! so I guess Liz’s intrusiveness works this time. Unfortunately, right before Roger found out he could run, he also told Lila that he was a janitor. Lila’s nose sits far too high in the air to hang out with cleaning boys, so she splits.
Lor: Aaaand there go the points you earned by having a gym membership.
Sara: Roger takes that moment to go find Olivia and confess his love. It’s never quite as sweet when they’ve been dumped thirty minutes before, is it? But Olivia was happy, and they have some unprotected kissing. Rawr!
Roger wins the BAMM! Go figure.
Lila gets shut down. Go figure.
Roger and Olivia have some more unprotected kissing. Feisty!
Lor: He doesn’t have a car though, so no blow jobs in the back seat. Kissing is really all they have.
Sara: Plus he’ll never have styrofoam cups with rape wine in the backseat of his car. Let Down City: Population 1.
There’s also a B plot where Jessica meets a boy at her daddy’s office. They dry hump in the office after hours, but Jess eventually finds out that the kid she’s been macking on is seriously a kid. He’s, like, 15. And in high school age, that’s practically infant. Ews.
Jessica also happens to see Roger working at the office one night, but Liz snooped on Jess (fucking nosy bitch!) and saw that she was dry humping and threatened to tell Daddy Wakefield if Jessica told anyone about Roger’s job. Why must Liz’s trifling always be overcome with good deeds?!
At the end of the book, there’s a little giveaway for the next book about Annie, the sluttiest slut that ever lived, wanting to try out for the cheerleading squad. You can just imagine how well that’s going to go over with Jess.
Lor: Jess, the statutory dry humper.
Sara: Moral of this story: If you’re poor, you damn well better be good at some kind of sport if you want to be popular. Good luck!
Lor: Just like if you have an ugly baby, you better start saving for guitar or piano lessons. Really, really ugly babies? Violin. I hope you are taking notes.
Next time on Sweet Valley High: What trouble is in store for Annie? Find out in #10 – Wrong Kind of Girl.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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