Sweet Valley High #100 “The Evil Twin” – Or the final installment of the greatest miniseries ever.

For Christmas this year, we’re blessing you all with the best thing to ever come to Sweet Valley, “The Evil Twin” mini-series. Catch up with the links below before continuing to the 6th and final part.

Magna Edition
Part 1      Part 2      Part 3
Part 4     Part 5

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The Evil Twin little-cap – Christmas has arrived in Sweet Valley and Margo thinks they’ve all been naughty. She enacts her plan to take over Elizabeth’s life as everyone stands around, mostly ignoring the really weird occurrences. Margo plans to kill Elizabeth at the New Years Eve ball. Everyone and their mother show up as Margo prepares to stab the twins to death, and well, no one can actually kill the Wakefields but it is tons of fun to see Margo try.

Lorraine: I probably don’t have to tell you how exciting this is. Some call this the best book out of all the Sweet Valley books there are. Can you imagine? 


Let’s get started:

It’s the last day of school before Christmas break and Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield are getting ready in their separate rooms. Liz is still pissed at Jess for ruining her life. She cries about that. Jess is still sad that she’s a questionable human being. She cries about that.

The Wakefield parents are very excited about their trip to San Francisco, despite the fact that their daughters are depressed as hell. They also don’t bother to confirm any trip details, which makes them negligent AND dumb.

Sara: Or maybe they’re just really smart and wanted to get away from their annoying, psycho kids for a while?

Lor: Uh, I take it back. Smartest negligent parents ever.

At school that day, candy cane grams are being handed out.

Jessica gets an unsigned candy cane gram that says, “Happy Horrordays.” Liz also gets an anonymous card and hers says, “I’m dreaming of a red Christmas. Wreck the halls with bloody bodies.” Margo, you are a genius! Best Christmas game ever! SNARK SQUAD WANTS TO PLAY:

Jingle Hell.
Ho Ho You’s A Ho.
Nicole: Rest In Pieces Ye Merry Gentlemen
Have Yourself A Bloody Little Christmas

Sara: All I want for Christmas… is to murder your face off. 
Lor: Stalking Around the Christmas Tree
Have you been naughty or knife?

Okay. We’re done now.

Margo is roaming around Sweet Valley High and she decides it’s time to put her Liz-personation to the test. She overheard Enid and Liz talking about a mall trip and figures she can get there before real!Liz does and sweep Enid away.

Margo is feeling pretty self-satisfied until Enid takes one look at her and declares, “you’re not Elizabeth.” I kind of love Enid right now. I mean, she does think it’s Jess trying to fool her, but how is she supposed to know that a cross-country-killer psychopath is impersonating her best friend, y’know?

James meets with Margo and tells her he’s done getting paid to spy on Jess. Margo is all, “that’s cool, but you’re never allowed to see Jess again or I WILL KILL YOU.” And in case we weren’t sure she was serious, she repeats that she will kill him and his little dog Jess too.

Sara: If I were James, I would immediately buy the next ticket to AnywherebutSweetValleyville.

Lor: Margo dressed as Elizabeth (hence forth MargLiz) visits the Wakefield house. She greets Mama Wakefield who immediately gets a ping on her psycho radar. MargLiz hugs Mama, and she’s revolted. Seriously, I think she throws up in her mouth a little and she doesn’t know why. That must be confusing as a mother, if one day your kid’s hug just makes you barfy. And I mean, how is she supposed to know that a elderly-strangling, child-abuse-case is hugging her, y’know?

MargLiz heads upstairs and finds Liz’s diary. She reads it for an hour. I’d say something about it being boring, but this is the bitch who was just on trial for manslaughter. I’m pretty sure my LiveJournal from when I was 16 was all, “went to class today! Teacher is a bitch! Bye everyone!” So, yeah.

Sara: It’s kind of depressing realizing that Elizabeth Wakefield’s life is 100x more exciting than mine.

Lor: MargLiz realizes she’s lost track of time and panics. Liz is home! MargLiz ducks into the closet and watches as Liz inspects her disordered things. She immediately suspects Jess did it. JESS DID IT should be a thing anyways. MargLiz considers strangling her right then and there, but figures her Liz-personation isn’t perfect yet, so she’ll wait. Liz leaves in a huff and MargLiz is home free.

That night, Jess waits by the phone. James calls, but he’s brief and just says they’ll talk soon. Jess loses her shit since her entire existence is based on the validation she receives from boys. In the midst of this, she really just wants to talk to Liz. She decides that she’ll confess about the liquor she poured in her sister’s drink, apologize like woah and hope that works.

Sara: LOL. Um, I mean, good luck!

Jess goes into Liz’s room and says she has something important to tell. Liz isn’t having it though, and accuses her of reading her diary and constantly finding ways to make her life miserable. 1 out of 2?

Taken aback, Jess tries to defend herself, tears welling in her eyes, but she’s lied one too many times and, I mean, how is Liz supposed to know that a fire-starting baby-killer was the one rifling through her stuff, y’know? Jess cries.

Josh-y Drew continues his Margo-related investigations. He manages to connect the dots about the woman Margo ran over and the catering company. Josh-y Drew is now a millionty times smarter than every police officer in Sweet Valley. But half as smart as, uh, everyone else.

Margo decides it’s time for a date with Todd. She phones him and invites him to a movie, saying Enid cancelled their plans for the night. He agrees. She decides she wants to wear something sexy, something along the Jessica line and- dammit Margo. You are really missing the point of being Elizabeth if you keep modeling yourself after Jess.

Proving that she should just murder Jess and take over her life, Margo decides to call Lila to do a little shopping. Now there’s a best friend, Margo thinks, and I agree with her. It makes me feel a little dirty. It’s also really freakin’ funny because Margo pretending to be Jessica (hence forth MargJess) is being such a better friend to Lila than Jessica ever is. Seriously, Lila is blown away by her compliments and attentiveness and fun lovingness.

WHEN YOU ARE A WORSE FRIEND THAN A BABY KILLER? RE-EVALUATE YOUR LIFE.

James is at some seedy bar, thinking about how Jess makes him want to be a better man. He says he loves Jess, and because he loves her, he can’t ever see her again because Crazy Margo will kill them both. He calls Jess from a payphone and breaks up with her. She starts crying, wondering what she did wrong. You can hear her very fragile self esteem breaking into a billion tiny pieces. James cries too. Let’s all cry.

Sara: Um, wow. James is kind of an awful person for not warning her at all about Margo. What a dick.

Lor: MargLiz is on her date with Todd and she’s giddy but also sort of an idiot. She keeps slipping up and saying things Liz would never say. Then again, I’ve never impersonated my doppleganger so I don’t know how hard that’d be.

At the end of the movie, MargLiz suggests they park at Miller’s Point and then starts like… eyebrow wagging and massaging Todd’s knee. Suddenly, Todd is overcome with that recoiling-barfy feeling that people seem to have when in Margo’s presence. (Sara: Or maybe that’s how he feels about sex?) Todd confuses this vomitous feeling for what it felt like to be dating Jess. He realizes that this could be Jess imitating Liz and OMG JESS DID IT. He doesn’t know he’s actually sucking face with an infant-smothering, pathological liar, y’know?

Naturally, he’ll keep all the strange happenings to himself. Details are not for discussing in Sweet Valley.

Jessica visits with Lila as she finishes packing her bags for Paris. She’ll be spending Christmas there with her newly re-married parents. Jessica breaks down and tells Li about the break-up. Li tells her to keep that cute dress she bought anyways. Jess is all, “wuh?” but they both just drop it because I mean, that’s not strange at all. Lila hugs Jess goodbye and gets a strange premonition that she’s headed for danger.

Why the heck does everyone in Sweet Valley get premonitions? Must be something in the water.

Sara: Roofies?

Lor: It’s Christmas Eve and the Wakefields are preparing for dinner. Mama thanks Liz for cleaning the whole house. She tells her mother she was at Olivia’s house all afternoon. Liz just thinks her mother is confused. It happens over and over during dinner, with people thinking they saw Liz or Jess somewhere when it was really Margo. WILL NO ONE ADDRESS THIS?

Liz keeps having dreams about the Jungle Prom. But more than dreams, they are bubbled up memories. First she remembered drinking the punch. Now, she remembers seeing Jess talking to the Big Mesa boy before she wakes up. She’s getting closer to a roofie revelation, y’all!

Sara: Roofie revelations are my favorite!

Lor: Josh-y Drew calls his mom on Christmas morning. She tells him that she went and bought a toy for Dead Georgie Angel because she couldn’t imagine him not having anything to play with. Welp. That’s fucking depressing.

It’s time to see the Parents Wakefield off to their San Francisco trip. Mama Wakefield is crying tears of premonition.

Margo has been leaving James death threat notes at his house. He considers leaving town, but the thought of leaving Jessica makes him cry. He decides that since Margo is probably going to kill her either way, he might as well warn Jessica.

James calls Jess and she agrees to meet him, and naturally MargLiz is on hand to eavesdrop. Margo leaves to deal with James, but first grabs Liz’s lavalier out of her jewellery box. NOT THE LAVALIER. #heartbroken

Sara: THAT BITCH.

Josh-y Drew finally tracks down where Margo is staying. He breaks into the room to find rotting food, a wall homage to the Wakefields and “I am Elizabeth” painted on a mirror. Way to make your master plan totally obvious, MARGO.

Then Josh calls the police and fills them in. JAYKAY GUYS. He stays there and waits for her to get back. Margo sees him waiting before he sees her and she decides to abandon her room. The thought that she might have to wait any longer to kill Liz makes her cry. Margo has tears everyone!!

Sara: Real ones this time!

Lor: She announces very loudly that she is going to the marina to meet a friend and Josh falls for it and follows her out there.

Jess is going nuts because she can’t find the keys to the car and James is waiting for her and she has a bad feeling and PREMONITION YEAH. Liz says that she can ride with Todd and her.

MargJess gets there first and runs up to James. He tells her everything about crazy Margo and then goes to kiss her. James gets that vomit-y feeling and realizes his mistake. Not soon enough, though, because Margo pushes him off the mother fucking pier. JAMES DIES.

Holy shit. That’s ANOTHER dead boyfriend for Jess. I can’t even explain how fucked up this is. Who in the world was all, “this will be great for tween girls to read about.” How the hell have the ghostwriters made me feel bad for Jess in a series where she roofies her own sister?! GOD DAMMIT. Ugh.

Jess, Liz and Todd arrive just in time to see a dead James and a lurking Josh. Jess is all, “he killed James!” Todd goes after Josh-y Drew and throat punches the crap out of him. Jess faints and Elizabeth cries.

From nearby, Margo anonymously calls the police about the murder. They arrest Josh and get statements from the girls and Todd. Todd admits that he didn’t see Josh push James, but that’s he’s totally sure he did it. …kay.

While at the station, Josh sees Todd and warns him that Margo looks just like the twins and is out to get Elizabeth. Todd is all, “that’s crazy talk!” but his hairs do stand on end, which is important.

Sara: If Todd was as intelligent as your average ape, this book would have ended about 150 pages earlier.

Lor: While the twins are upstairs sleeping, Margo is downstairs waiting for the call she knows Mama Wakefield will place. Mama tells MargLiz that they had to switch hotels, since one was never reserved for them. Margo enjoys how well her plan is going and how dumb the parental Wakefields are for still not realizing there is no job in San Francisco.

Sara:  Steven tries to call the parental Wakefields to inform them of Jessica’s new boyfriend getting murdered, but the hotel tells him that no one by that name is staying with them. He thinks that’s a little odd, but doesn’t bother doing a little more research to find out where they might be. I guess before Google, that would have been entirely too much work.

Jessica and Elizabeth both wake up screaming and crying from nightmares. Jessica had the dream about Margo stabbing her, the same one Elizabeth had before Jungle Prom. Elizabeth is smarter than Jessica, even in their dreams, apparently.

Ma and Pop Wakefield go to his interview, where they find out that no interview is scheduled and no one has ever even heard of a Michelle de Voice (the person Margo said he should meet with). When the receptionist tells Ned that, he gets mad at her and starts yelling. Uh, what the fuck, Ned? RUDE. The receptionist tells him to come back tomorrow, when the department head is there, and they’ll get everything sorted out. Alice is all, “I just have this terrible feeling that a psychopath is going to murder our daughter’s faces off,” or something, and Ned tells her to shut her trap, because they’re staying until tomorrow.

Lila is back from Paris, and MargJess comes by to see her. She asks her all about her trip, what she saw, what she did, how much fun she had. That right there should alert Lila to the fact that she isn’t talking to Jessica. MargJess gets some information out of Lila about her big New Years Eve ball. It will be at Lila’s house, and Margo figures it will be the perfect night to kill Liz.

Lor: I like Margo’s sense of occasion: a party, a murder and a new year, haaii!

Sara: Margo chooses the pool house to set up shop, because no one at the party will hear Elizabeth’s screams when she’s being stabbed in the face. She decides to dig a grave right next to the pool house, too, because like a boy scout, Margo is always prepared.

Liz goes to a movie with Steven and Billie Vagina. Steven asks Jess if she wants to go, but she’s super busy moping and feeling sorry for herself, so she says no thanks. Right after they leave for the movie, MargLiz sneaks in the house through the basement. Uh, you probably could have used the front door…

Lor: Front doors are for pansies and people who don’t murder babies, duh.

Sara: Jessica runs into her and questions why she’s still at the house, and MargLiz is like, “Uh, I’m…. sick? Yep, that’s it. I’m sick. TOO SICK TO TALK,” and she runs off. Two minutes later, Todd shows up and MargLiz goes with him to get some pizza. Yeah, real sick, huh? Bitch.

MargLiz keeps talking to Todd about pizza and the New Years Eve ball, and Todd is like, “Uh, remember when we saw your sister’s boyfriend get murdered? Last night? Like, less than 24 hours ago?” but of course he doesn’t actually say that. He would swear he was out with Jess pretending to be Liz, if he hadn’t seen Jessica just then at her house. Todd is Todd, so he just shrugs his shoulders instead of doing something about his suspicions.

Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield finally get their meeting. The guy tells them that there is no interview, and that letterhead isn’t even legit. No one could have told him that yesterday?! Oh, Contrivance Fairy, I didn’t see you there. They decide to head home right away.

Unfortunately, when they try to fly back to Sweet Valley, fog has grounded all flights until the following day. DAMN. That Margo is good, y’all.

Lor: Bitch be controlling the weather!

Sara: The parental Wakefields call to tell their children what’s up, and MargLiz intercepts the call to say she’ll tell Steven and Jess. These people really need caller ID.

Elizabeth doesn’t even want to go to the New Years Eve ball, but MargJess insists that she should. She’ll even let Liz borrow a dress. Liz thinks that Jessica wants to be friends again, so she agrees and they hug it out. Aw! This scene would be so sweet if it wasn’t a psychopathic baby-killer Liz was hugging!

Josh-y Drew is sitting in a jail cell, stressing about Margobabykiller. He knows he needs to escape and save the twins. He pretends to have a stomachache, and when the guard comes to check on him, he throat punches him and grabs the key to the cell. Well. That was easy.

Lor: Remember this everyone: stomachache–> throat punch –> FREEDOM

Sara: MargLiz goes to Jessica and asks to borrow a dress for the New Years Eve ball. She picks out a sexy dress, and Jess is like, “OKAY. Get it, gurl.” Jessica doesn’t want to go to the dance, so MargLiz convinces her that a party isn’t a party without Jessica Wakefield. Margo should totally be a motivational speaker. She rocks this shit. Margo runs out to buy (read: steal) an identical dress. She actually only steals it because the clerk is taking a personal call, rather than ringing her purchase up, and Margo gets furious. I FEEL YOU, GIRL.

Okay, y’all. Here is where SHIT. GETS. REAL. The Contrivance Fairy pulls double duty from here on out. More like a Contrivance Elephant, to be honest. It is officially NEW YEARS EVE.

Steven and Billie Vagina will be watching movies on the couch for New Years Eve. Aw! Now that sounds like a New Years Eve I can get behind. (Lor: Ditto.)

Ma and Pa Wakefield decide to take a train, since the planes still aren’t flying due to the fog.

Margo cuts the Wakefield’s phone line. On her way to get ready for her Big Day, she hears a radio announcement that Josh-y Drew is loose. Good thing Margo doesn’t give a shit.

Lor: She controls weather, bitches.

Sara: Elizabeth conveniently has time for a nap before the ball, and in her dream, she finally, finally sees that Jessica is the one who spiked her drink. When she wakes up, she’s like, “THAT FUCKING BITCH.” Actually, she calls her a monster, but we all know what she was thinking. Liz decides that Jessica is not her sister anymore.

Ma and Pa Wakefield’s train stops, because the weather is too bad to go forward. They decide to rent a car, because Alice Wakefield is stressin‘.

Todd hears the radio announcement that Josh-y Drew has escaped from prison. He vows to keep Liz glued to his side all night. I’m sure that will work out perfectly.

Everyone heads to the New Years Eve ball, including Josh-y Drew, who has decided that if he follows the Wakefield twins, he’ll eventually find Margo. (Lor: Oh my fucking DUH.)

At the party, Liz and Todd are dancing. Lila walks past them, and then is immediately like, “What the fuck? Why is Jessica dancing with Todd?” She starts walking toward them, but then thinks, “Wait. Liz just looks kind of a whore-y today. Huh.” She gets upset with herself for mixing them up, which is more than I can say for Todd or Ma or Pop Wakefield.

Elizabeth sees Jessica come in the party, and darts for the bathroom upstairs to avoid her. Jessica gets teary-eyed. Todd chases after Liz. He finds MargLiz in one of the guest rooms, and she wants to get freaky.

We can have our own party right here. Doesn’t that sound like more fun?

Todd thinks to himself that even Jess wouldn’t go that far (she wouldn’t??), so this girl sure as fuck is NOT Elizabeth Wakefield. He says, “You’re not Elizabeth… and you’re not Jessica, either…” Unfortunately, he doesn’t have long to put two and two together, because Margo smashes him over the head with something and he’s knocked out. Ruh roh!

Lor: I love that Todd knew it wasn’t his girlfriend because she suggested sex. He was all, “Well, I may be dumb but I know my girlfriend would NEVER have sex with me.”

Sara: Liz is in the bathroom when she hears a knock at the door. She hears Jessica tell her that she wants to talk in private and asks Liz to meet her at the pool house. SPOILER ALERT: It was Margo.

The parental Wakefields tire is flat. Alice insists they drive straight to Lila’s house, because she has a bad feeling.

Steven and Billie Vagina start to make out and pause the movie. They see an alert that Josh-y Drew has escaped. They head to Lila’s house, because Steven has a bad feeling.

Jessica can’t find Liz and is worried. She looks out the window and sees her running towards the pool house. She heads out to follow her, because she has a bad feeling.

Josh-y Drew sees two girls in identical dresses run into the pool house. He goes to follow them, because he has a bad feeling.

Lor: PREMONITION YEAH.

Sara: Elizabeth runs inside the pool house and looks for Jessica in the dark room. The door closes behind her, and she sees, you know it, CRAZY FUCKING MARGO WITH A KNIFE. Liz says, “You aren’t Jessica…” and Margo says, “No, I’m not Jessica. I’m Elizabeth.

YES! I LOVE THIS BOOK SO HARD.

 Lor: Best quote by far.

Sara: Margo is like every crazy villain and tells her whole entire life story to Elizabeth before moving to kill her. She tells Liz that it’s not fair. Margo had an awful, abusive, sad life, while Liz got to be the most perfect person to ever live, and now it’s Margo’s turn. I really do feel bad for Margo right now. Poor little lunatic.

Liz tells her that she’ll never get away with it. Margo’s like, “LOL I already have, silly bitch. I even made out with your boyfriend.” Awkward.

As Jessica makes her way to the pool house, she hears the New Years Eve countdown beginning.

Ten!

Todd wakes up and starts running around frantically, trying to find Liz, so he can throat punch her to safety.

Eight!

Margo holds the knife up, ready to plunge it into Elizabeth’s heart.

Seven!

Liz thinks about how much she loves everyone in her life, including her monster of a twin sister.

Six!

With tears in her eyes, Liz whispers to no one in particular, “I forgive you, Jess. I love you.”

Five!

Margo hesitates. All of the other people she murdered were easy. But killing Liz is like killing herself. She’s wiggin’, y’all. She decides to think of it as killing off the bad part of herself.

Two!

Maybe I can make it back in time for a midnight kiss,” Margo thinks, right before plunging the knife downward.

One!

Jessica bursts into the pool house, sees what’s happening, and throws herself in front of the knife to save her sister.

Lor: Longest. ten seconds. ever. I’d like to think Jesus slowed time down on purpose. Just for Margo.

Sara: I like the image of Jesus as #TeamMargo.

Outside, Steven has arrived and sees Josh-y Drew sneaking around the backyard. He tackles him and holds him on the ground.

Inside, Margo cuts Jessica’s arm, but then Jessica kicked the knife out of Margo’s hands. She grabs it off the ground, but hesitates when she can’t figure out which girl is her sister and which is an insane psycho-stalker. Margo gets the knife back, and Jessica again throws herself over Liz’s body to save her.

Lor: Or, you know, so that Margo could kill her AND THEN kill Liz.

Sara: Todd runs outside and tells Steven that Josh-y Drew is telling the truth. They have to stop Margo and save the twins. Josh-y Drew runs into the pool house and knocks into Margo. The knife flies out of her hands, and she falls out the window onto the ground below. Everyone looks down at her lifeless body.

Wait, when the fuck did they get up to the second floor?!

Lor: Or it could’ve been a very bumpy two foot drop? Or an elevated pool house? Anyone? Yes? Yes?

Sara: Anyways, Margo is dead. (Yeah, right.)

Jessica tells Liz that she has something to say, but Liz interrupts and tells her she already knows and still loves her. I guess going through a murderous psychopath trying to kill you and steal your life really changes your perspective on things. The girls are best friends again.

Ladies and gentlemen, the best miniseries to ever come out of Sweet Valley history: THE EVIL TWIN.

Lor: MERRY CHRISTMAS. I have to say that as much as I enjoyed covering this, and giving you guys Margo for the holidays, I’m pretty glad it’s over. Seriously. Reading about psychopaths is draining. Plus, I’d like to retire “crazy” from my vocabulary for a while.

Cry Count
Jessica – 8
Elizabeth -5
Alice Wakefield -2
James -2
Josh Smith’s mother – 1
Josh Smith – 1
Margo – 1

 

Next time on Sweet Valley High: Lila and Jess go after the same guy and some one agrees to let them look after children. Who in their right mind would do that? Find out in SVH #101 – The Boyfriend War.

 

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The Snark Squad would like to wish all of our readers a very Merry Christmas and a happy New Year! Since we’re all pretty exhausted from recapping Crazy Margo for the past month, we’ll be taking a little Christmas break next week. We’ll be back with new posts on January 2nd, ready to kick off the year with plenty of snark. See you then, Traumateers!

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  • First of all, I have to say that my computer crashed half way through reading this and I nearly threw it through a window as punishment. Second, that is one HELL of an epic cry count. Third, I have too many thoughts. Bullet points are required:
    – Since when are trains effected by fog? THEY RUN ON RAILS AND HAVE FOG LIGHTS
    – I *love* that Todd was all "My girlfriend would never want to boff, she must be someone else!"
    – I love that Margo thought she could make it back for a midnight kiss with one second left before midnight. Perhaps she knew Jesus was #TeamMargo?
    – I love that Steven and Billie were all "Let's make out. Oh, but pause the movie. Rewinding the video would be hard work, yo. Much better to have the making out seem really scheduled by finding the remote before we start."
    – MY GOD, THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING IDIOTS.

    Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good youth mauling bear <3

  • Low

    I'm so sad this is over. I certainly hope the last ten seconds before midnight go that slowly for me, I'd love to murder a bitch right before my midnight kiss. How romantic is that?!

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  • Mangraa

    Fantastic!

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  • Stephanie

    Awesome!