Sweet Valley High #096 “The Arrest ” – Or the one where we think of lots of ways for Jessica to die.

We’re back with our third installment of A Very Sweet Valley Christmas, Childhood Trauma’s gift to you.

Part 1 can be found here, and part 2 can be found here.
Sara: Okay, y’all, I’m not gonna lie. In the first nine books of Sweet Valley High, I was #TeamJessica 100%. I always realized she was a little bit crazy, but that was before I read the Evil Twin miniseries. Now I know that Jessica Wakefield is a fucking sociopath. This book was difficult to get through, mainly because I kept thinking of all different ways that Jessica could die, on account of her being such an awful human being.

Lorraine and I texted several times, regarding our hatred for Jessicrazy in this miniseries, because that’s the only way we could get through it.

Lorraine: Getting through it is a mild way to describe what reading these past few books has been like. Did you know there was such thing as “angry page turning?” There is.

Sweeney: We do a lot of angry-page-turning across these books, but so far this mini-series has involved some extra-special rage inducing. I owe you two lots of booze for taking one for the team and actually reading the books. Just reading the recaps has given me irrational fits of rage.

Nugs: I’ve come across a ton of sociopaths, being from NYC originally and then moving to LA. But this is just… wow. Just WOW.

Lor: Don’t believe us?
Just read. No- SHHH. Don’t talk. Just read:

 

Elizabeth & Jessica

Sara: Elizabeth is being interrogated by the police about Sam’s death. The lab work came back, showing that both Liz and Sam were drunk at the time of the crash. Ruh-roh! The police ask her what she remembers, but she completely blacked out and can’t remember anything. Been there, girl. (Nugs: I call this “college.”) The officers keep playing bad cop, worse cop with her, but she really doesn’t have a clue what happened.

Lor: I love when the cop is all “well if you can’t remember anything at all, how do you know you weren’t drinking?” and Ned Wakefield gets all, “HOW DARE YOU ASK TOTALLY RATIONAL QUESTIONS? THIS IS UNHEARD OF.” Or something like that.

Sara: Ned Wakefield, ladies and gentlemen: The only lawyer in history who doesn’t understand what a lawyer does.

And wait, didn’t Jessica only pour half a cup’s worth of liquor in Liz’s drink? And then Liz split that half with Sam? And somehow that 1/4 cup of liquor made her black the fuck out? I have a feeling there was more than just liquor in that cup. #roofiealert

Sweeney: I don’t really understand how she was oblivious to the fact that she was getting drunk. Did she really not notice that she felt different? Sorry, I’ll stop with the logical thinking, I know it has no place here. (But total +1 on that roofie alert — Jessica got that shit from a sketchy guy from the inferior school, right? That has rape juice written all over it.)

Sara: After Liz tells the cops three more times that she doesn’t fucking know what happened, they charge her with involuntary manslaughter, rather than thinking she might have been drugged or something. They lock Liz up for the night in a cell with some crackhead prostitutes who make fun of her for being cute and rich. Haterz. One prostitute sticks up for her, and I think it would make a pretty cool branch off series to follow Elizabeth learning how to work the streets with her new mentor, Candi.

Lor: Oh, Liz would get eaten alive. I mean, not only because she’s a prude, but because she’s judgy and would get in every ho’s business. Trouble with a capital T. (which rhymes with “P” which stands for “prostitute.”)

Sara: Over at Wakefield Manor, Jessica keeps reminding herself that Liz is to blame for the car accident, and Sam dying, and the economy going to shit.

Lor: Also, war and famine, which you all now know I hate less than I hate Jessica.

Sweeney: “Hey, the real world might have lots of war and famine, but at least there’s no real Jessica Wakefield!” But maybe it’s because we live in a world where Jessica Wakefield can fictionally exist that we even have war and famine. #clearlyI’vehadwhateverLizhad

Sara: Sounds like a chicken and the egg argument to me. Did war and famine happen because of Jessica Wakefield, or did Jessica Wakefield happen because of war and famine?

Anyways, Jessica tells herself that she was just playing a “silly joke” on Liz and Sam by putting liquor (and roofies) in their punch! I’m starting to wonder if Jessica is really Margo’s evil twin sister. Also, this is where I started my ways-for-Jessica-to-die list.

1.) Someone plays a “silly joke” on Jessica by putting several steak knives in her bed, facing up.

Elizabeth heads back to school after being released on bail, and everyone treats her like a leper except for zzzEnid. Enid waits for her outside of her classes, and while I would usually call a #stalkeralert for that, Enid is just being a really sweet friend, and I can’t judge that. You go, girl! Even Todd is being a douche and still ignoring Liz.

While Enid is winning the Best Best Friend award with Liz, Jessica is being a fucking sociopath. Lila keeps talking about how excited she is to meet her mother, but Jessica is honey badgering about how she doesn’t give a shit.

“You think that’s important? Well, I’ll tell you what I think is important! I think it’s important that Sam’s dead! I think it’s important that I’ll never see him again as long as I live. I’ll never get to tell him how sorry I am for what I- for what happened! I think it’s important that somebody pays for Sam’s death, that’s what I think is important!”

Everyone put your hands up and back out of the room slowly. This bitch is gonna fucking kill someone.

2.) Hopefully herself.

After school, Todd is sitting at home, sulking like a little bitch about how much he misses Liz. After the wreck, he didn’t know what to say to her, because he was hurt and upset over what happened at the Jungle Prom with Sam – you remember all the premarital hugging, right? He hasn’t spoken to her since that night, and he feels like it’s too late to try now. Dude. Throat Punch Todd is being such a pussy right now.

Lor: Todd is the dumbest boyfriend ever. Seriously, your reasoning is that you already haven’t called her for this long, now eliminating your ability to… pick up the phone with your hands, dial with your finger and just. fucking. call her? You silly bitch.

Sweeney: There is no logic in Traumaland other than that everyone must behave in a way that defies common sense.

Sara: He gets a phone call and is excited to hear that it’s Elizabeth. Psych! It’s Jessica, boo hoo’ing about Sam dying. Normally, I might feel sorry for her, but she’s only doing it to get Liz back for killing her boyfriend EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS ROOFIED BY JESSICA AT THE TIME.

3.) A pack of youth mauling bears hyped up on 5 Hour Energy eat her face off.

Jessica puts on the waterworks, and sniffles that all of her friends are only interested in talking about themselves. THE NERVE.

Sweeney: All right, yes, I hate that we live in a world in which Jessica Wakefield can fictionally exist.

Sara: The thing that makes this even more obnoxious than usual is that Jessica’s friends have been really awesome and supportive through this whole thing. Being friends with a sociopath ain’t easy, y’all.

She ropes Todd into asking her to go to the movies with him. She confirms that it’s a date, but Todd doesn’t hear because he’s too busy thinking about Elizabeth. What a tool. Also, pretty much every time I mention Todd in this recap, just assume he’s thinking about Elizabeth, because that’s apparently all he does with his time anymore.

Jess begs Dead Sam Angel not to be mad at her, because she’s only pretending to like Todd in order to ruin Elizabeth’s life. Just in case letting her think she drove drunk and killed someone wasn’t ruining it enough. Go big or go home, I always say.

Lor: Which is really what I don’t understand here. If for a moment I was silly enough to try and put logic to all this, I would wonder why, as Liz is being arrested, poked by prostitutes and charged with manslaughter, Jessica is all, “her life obviously needs ruining. I clearly need to make her cry.”

Cuntiness at its absolute cuntiest.

Sweeney: The fact that even you willingly used that word says a lot about the level of cuntiness here.

Sara: Jess tells Dead Sam Angel that she wants to take Todd away from Liz the way Liz took Sam away from her. So… you want Liz to roofie you and let you murder Todd? That’s a pretty extravagant plan there, Jess. Dead Sam Angel is probably in heaven partying it up since he doesn’t have to deal with Jessicrazy anymore. I really hope he was rewarded with 72 virgins in Heaven. Poor sucker.

Nugs: I hear Heaven virgins are super slutty. They’re like the Halloween versions of Pee-Wee Herman’s Chairy.

Sara: When Todd goes to meet Jessica at the movie theater, he secretly hopes that it’s a set-up to get him and Liz together again, because he is a complete tool and has no idea what’s going on. Unfortunately for him, Jessicaca is the one who shows up, and she has got the charm turned UP.

By the end of the movie, Todd is feeling miserable and super uncomfortable. He doesn’t even remember what the movie was about, because he was… wait for it… so busy thinking about Elizabeth. It would not surprise me at all if he got a movie theater blowie, and didn’t even notice.

Lor: I was wondering what those slurping sounds were. Figured someone just had a slushie.

Sara: He starts to tell Jessica that he doesn’t think this not-dating-but-dating thing is working out, but she goes hysterical girl mode on him and starts making up lies about how torn up she is over Sam’s death and how she couldn’t possibly be alone right now. Todd holds her hand, because… fuck, I have no idea why. He’s seriously just asking for it.

Lor: I didn’t call you because I didn’t call you before so I couldn’t call you anymore. And then I went out with your sister because I was thinking about you. And then I held her hand because her hand looks exactly like yours.

Sara: At this point, I really wish that Sam would come back from the dead just to bone every single girl in Sweet Valley right in front of Jessica’s stupid face.

4.) After Sam bones every girl in Sweet Valley (including the fats and minorities [Sweeney: Sara, I don’t think they have minorities in Sweet Valley]), he has sex with Jessica one last time. It’s over in five seconds. She gets chlamydia and dies.

While Jessica is ho suspensioning it up with Todd, Liz is meeting with her lawyer, who is supposedly the best lawyer in all of Sweet Valley. He asks her to tell him everything, and she goes over the whole I-don’t-remember-anything-because-I-was-roofied business. Mr. Lawyer Up! is like, “LOL. You are so fucked, kid” and just leaves in the middle of their meeting. I guess being the best lawyer in Sweet Valley is kind of like being the best parent in Stoneybrook.

Speaking of negligent parenting, the next morning, Liz runs into Alice Wakefield in the kitchen. Alice has obviously gone insane, as she has a creepy Stepford wife smile glued to her face at all times. She cooks constantly and pretends that the car accident never happened. She probably stands over her children with knives while they sleep, too.

Alice offers Liz some comforting words of advice, but they’re interrupted when Jessica is all, “Don’t mind me! Daughter whose boyfriend is dead! The one no one is paying attention to! Ahem.”

5.) Jessica is sitting on the drain to the pool outside. Her family is swimming. The pool drain sucks her organs out of her perfect size six ass. She calls for her family to help her, but they’re too busy ignoring her and patting Liz’s head to notice that she’s dying.

Lor: Then she can be reunited with Dead Sam Angel, which makes her family just extra caring about her feelings. Good job, Wakefields.

Sara: Jessica spends all day stalking Todd, and he spends all day avoiding her calls, like any sane person would do. Eventually, he feels guilty because she’s having a big cry-fest on his answering machine and that’s just gross and uncalled for. He finally answers, and she ropes him into hanging out with her all day. TPT, you are headed for trouble, my friend.

Jessica arrives at his door and is already fucking crying. Jesus, Todd is a better person than me, because I would have throat punched her tears away. Of course, her timing is perfect; Liz and Enid drive by right after Jessica gets there, and they see the twins’ Jeep in Todd’s driveway. Elizabeth is rightfully devastated.

Enid tries to make it seem not so bad (again, awesome best friend!) by saying that Todd is just too good a person to abandon someone who needs him, and that’s the only reason he could be hanging out with Jess. Liz knows better, though, and says, “He abandoned me…”

AW. YOU GUYS. Poor Liz. 🙁 Can we all give her a hug, please? And also, a machete?

6.) Machete to the face.

Sweeney: My heart is a little broken for Liz. Girl is having a rough go. But doesn’t she have slightly bigger issues than her high school boyfriend? Like her impending prison sentence?

Sara: Oh Sweeney, she has Ned Wakefield as her lawyer! She’s got nothing to worry about, I’m sure! -_-

The next morning, Liz decides that she needs to buck up and start being a normal human again. She gets dressed in one of her favorite outfits and heads downstairs for breakfast. Alice is all, “HAI GURL HAII” about Liz looking less zombie-fied, and it seems like maybe Elizabeth will finally get to have a normal morning. You know what that means! Jessica is like, “HEY! Daughter with the dead boyfriend still here! Also, I’m going out with Todd tonight. HA.” Elizabeth runs out of the room, crying.

Lorraine: Girl, don’t even say it. I got this one:

7.) Alice is snapped out of her Stepfordian reverie by how fucking insane Jessica is. When she realizes that her absentee parenting has produced such a hateful creature, she is immediately regretful, and uses a handy waffle maker to whack Jessica over the head. Repeatedly.

Sara: Jessica sits with Todd at the taping of Hunks, even though he hadn’t actually planned to meet her there. Afterwards, all of his friends go to eat burritos at an unnamed Burrito Stand. (Was the Dairi Burger closed?!) Jess says that burritos were Sam’s favorite and starts to cry that she’s just going to go home. TODD, HOW DO YOU FALL FOR THESE LINES? Jeezy. Creezy.

He takes her home, but they stop to walk on the beach, because that’s all anyone does in Sweet Valley. Todd notices that Jessica looks just like Elizabeth. The same blue-green eyes, the same perfect size six ass, the same all-American good looks. Someone get Nancy Drew over here! Todd’s just discovered that these identical twins look exactly alike.

Nugs: This is Book Number what, eleventy billion, and Todd is JUST figuring this out NOW? 

Lor: Nancy Drew says the maid son uncle wife neighbor neighbor’s podiatrist honey badger Candi the prostitute God did it. (Her first few guesses are always wrong.)

Sara: He decides that if he tilts his head just so, he can always pretend it’s Elizabeth. Then they make out, and Todd spends the whole time pretending he’s kissing Liz.

a.) You guys read that, right? TODD KISSES JESS AND PRETENDS IT’S LIZ. What. The fuck.
2.) Pretending doesn’t prevent herpes from catching, Todd.
armadillo.) Everyone in this miniseries needs to die. Except for Liz. And Margo.

Cry Count
Liz – 6
Jessica – Real: 4 Fake: 3
Humanity – 5 millionty

 

Lila

Lila is excited to finally get to see her mother. It’s only been fourteen years since she’s had contact with her. Wait, fourteen years?! It really is no wonder Lila’s so fucked up.

Lor: Lila’s Mom has TPT phone calling syndrome: uh… I was gonna… but then I started making out with people instead.

Nugs: That’s better than I’ve been doing. 

Sara: She babbles on to her friend Amy about how excited she is to finally meet Grace. Amy is tired of hearing about it, but her inner monologue is a lot less bitchy than Jessica’s. Amy gently tells Lila that she probably shouldn’t get quite so excited about Grace, just in case things don’t work out the way she wants.

Sweeney: Which, even if it’s coming from a questionable place of not wanting to hear about your friend’s really huge life news, is probably valid advice. Fourteen years? Also, this is Sweet Valley. No happy endings for non-Wakefields. And it’s a pretty shit time to be a Wakefield too.

Sara: Lila is all, “LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT, DAMN IT,” so Amy just shuts up and tells her that things will be fine. Lila believes that once her mother is back in her life, things will fall into place and be perfect. We’re only on page 18, so I have a feeling things aren’t going to go as planned for Lila.

Nugs: 18? Oh, Good God. *jumps in front of the Honey Badger*

Sara: It’s finally the night that Grace will be in town. Lila and her father plan on meeting her at a fancy schmancy restaurant, and Lila obsesses over what to wear. She thinks to herself that it won’t matter that her dad never has time for her, since she’ll have Grace from now on. Aw! Poor Lila!

When the Fowlers first sit down with Grace, it’s like a dream come true for Lila. Grace is just as perfect as she imagined. She’s elegant and beautiful and super excited to see Lila. Everything is playing out like a movie… until Grace’s boyfriend shows up. His name is Pierre, and he is OBNOXIOUSLY French. He’s one of those LOOKATMELOOKATME types, and he condescends to Lila and George that they look so very American. Hey, I thought all-American was a good thing….

Sweeney: That’s only because there hasn’t been anyone French around for comparison. But, in defense of the French: you really can’t call anyone in a book with Jessica Wakefield an obnoxiously LOOKATMELOOKATME type. Everyone else in Sweet Valley looks humble by comparison.

Sara: Word, girl. I withdraw that remark.

The next morning, Grace comes to Lila’s room to apologize for the Pierre problem. The problem being that Pierre is an ass and a half. They start talking, and Lila gets a chance to finally have a real conversation with her mother. Grace brings up the date rape situation, and the fake rape situation, and Lila starts to talk about it. But right then, the phone rings. Guess who it is! Pierre, the stereotypical French man. Grace has to leave, and Lila rightfully loses her shit when Grace says they can talk about it later. “Don’t worry about it!” she yells. “You haven’t been my mother for the last fourteen years. What makes you think I want you now?” Get it, girlfriend.

Later that night, Lila gets home and hears her father talking to someone in his office. She creeps up to the door and discovers that he’s with Grace. She’s sobbing, and George is trying to comfort her. Lila didn’t realize that Grace was hurting, too, so she feels a little sympathy for her mom. Lila is so sweet sometimes, y’all.

Cry Count
Lila – 2
Grace – 1

 

Bruce

Bruce is being super emo at home, sitting around thinking about how his whole life is over because Raven Blue is a whorey whore whore. He’s even watching soap operas and yelling at the TV characters. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. (LOL, just kidding, I do that on the regular.)

Raven calls him and asks him to please give her another chance to explain. He agrees to meet up with her and listen to her slutty side of the story. Cough cough. WHORE.

On the drive there, Bruce keeps thinking about how an awesome, rich, good-looking, funny guy like him should not be obsessing over a girl with no self-respect. God, this guy is such a fucking douche. He and Jessica really are perfect for each other. I’d say a #douchealert might be even more important than a #roofiealert.

Lor: The best part is this guy – you know the attempted rapist, the guy who carries warm wine under his seat and cheats on girls who then try drugs once and die- is judging someone else. LOL Bruce.

Sara: It turns out that Raven Blue, not so surprisingly, is actually not a whorey whore whore. She fell in love with a guy who wanted her to “go all the way”, (Lor: to Mexico?) but she wasn’t comfortable with it, so she told him no. He didn’t want to look like a loser in front of all of his friends, so he just told everyone they did it anyway. After they broke up, she went on dates with other boys, but then they all went back and told their friends that they had sex with her, too. So really, she’s a pure, chaste virgin, but everyone in school thinks she’s practically a prostitute. What is wrong with the boys at this school?!

They make it to the restaurant, and Bruce falls in love all over again. The number of tools in this book could build a fucking house. Raven starts to tell Bruce her story when some Big Mesa guys come busting in the place. “I hope she’s treating you real nice,” says one of them. Ew. Aren’t these boys 16 years old?! What are we teaching our children?!

Sweeney: Sara, we are way past that question here.

Sara: Rather than throat punching this dude’s face in, Bruce just runs out of the restaurant like a little bitch. Bruce, you really should consider hiring someone to punch people for you. Raven is obviously super depressed now, because she can’t escape her whorey image. Plus she didn’t even get to tell Bruce that she transferred from Big Mesa to Sweet Valley High.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, girl, but I’m pretty sure everyone at Sweet Valley thinks you’re a whore, too.

Bruce emos some more about how much it sucks being in love with a hooker, and how he’s just thankful she doesn’t go to SVH. Joke’s on you, broseph!

Cry Count
Bruce – 1
Raven Blue – 1
Chivalry – 2

 

Nicholas

Olivia, Nicholas’ best friend, has set him up to be on Hunks, the reality dating show about…. well, nothing, really. Apparently, Hunks is set up a bit like The Dating Game, except that each contestant actually goes on dates with all three girls. Before the dates, Nicholas meets them all live on TV.

He notices that Date #1 is wearing all black and has lots of makeup on. She looks like a biker chick, and this alone makes Nicholas concerned about having to go on a date with her. He wonders what kind of restaurant he should take her to, since she probably eats bugs and raw meat. What in the….? Okay, Judgy McJudgerson. Ladies and gentleman, we have another freaking tool to add to the box.

Lor: That’s not even a good judgement. Like, fuck, if you are going to be judgy, at least make some damn sense NICHOLAS.

Sara: Date #2 is a very nice looking girl, but Nicholas says she laughs too much. Um. All right? Is anyone else getting the feeling that Nicholas might not like women at all?

Sweeney: I hear Bruce is available…

Sara: Nicholas thinks that Date #3 looks the most normal, but she also seems really embarrassed to be on the show. For some reason, this makes him think that they couldn’t possibly be compatible.

When Nicholas goes out with Date #1, she picks him up on her motorcycle and makes him ride on the back. Hee! I like this girl already. She takes him to a shady biker bar, where Nicholas can judge all sorts of tattoo’ed people. He goes to order a mineral water from the bar (LOL), and the bikers all give him weird looks. He doesn’t even last five minutes in the bar before asking Olivia to come pick him up. Personally, I think he’s just uncomfortable about how turned on he is by all the biker dudes. Also? This girl is fucking awesome.

Date #2 doesn’t go much better than his first date. He plans on taking her out to a nice restaurant, but when he picks her up, she’s wearing a sweatshirt and flip flops. He has to take her to a dumpy, gross restaurant instead because it’s the only place in Sweet Valley that doesn’t have a dress code. Wait, what? Y’all seriously need to get a Chili’s.

Lor: The damn Dairi Buger has a dress code? The unnamed burrito stand? REALLY YOU DOUCHE?

Sara: She spends the whole date giggling, which makes Nicholas want to stab himself in the eye with a fork. PLEASE DO.

She ends up confessing that she has a boyfriend, and Nicholas is 2 for 2 on the suck ass dates scale.

When he starts planning Date #3, he decides to just say fuck it, because it’s probably not going to go well anyways. He doesn’t make a reservation, doesn’t bring flowers, and wears the same clothes he was wearing earlier to do the gardening. Wow. You all know what I’m thinking, right?

Lor: The tooliest tool who ever tooled in the whole history of tooldom.

Sara: When Ann comes to the door, she looks amazing. She’s super dressed up, and doesn’t even make a comment about the fact that Nicholas looks less like a date and more like her date’s gardener. She tells him to give her one second and comes back dressed much more casually. And she does it all without being a bitch. Classy as shit, girl. #classyasshit

They get to the restaurant, and Nicholas realizes that she’s pretty amazing. But it turns out that she’s the only amazing one at the table, because Nicholas is ruining everything.

He forgot his wallet at home, and Ann has to pay for their dinner. He gets a flat tire and doesn’t know how to fix it, so Ann has to change it. He throws up ALL OVER ANN after a roller coaster ride, and she doesn’t punch him in the dick for it. Seriously, this girl is a fucking saint.

After he drops her off, Nicholas realizes that he botched everything with the one girl he felt a connection with. NO SHIT, DUMBASS.

At the taping of Hunks, the host asks the girls one by one how badly their dates sucked. Apparently the only point of this show is for the girls to talk major shit about Nicholas, without him having a chance to defend himself. That sounds… improbable. And boring. Whatever.

He expects all of the girls to butcher his name (the first two do), but Ann actually says she had a good time. A SAINT, I TELL YOU. She chooses to go on another date with him, and they kiss. I really hope he brushed his teeth since throwing up on her.

Cry Count
Every Girl Who Has Ever Been On a Date With Nicholas – 1

 

Margo

Margo is the nanny for poor little unsuspecting Georgie. Because, of course, his mother didn’t get any references. Negligent parents aren’t only in Sweet Valley, y’all. She abuses the shit out of him, and it’s actually really sad.

Lor: Locking him up in closets and punching him sad. For serious sad.

Sweeney: Why the fuck do we have to get all child abuse serious here? What happened to all of the cunty teenagers being annoying with exaggerated teenage melodrama? LEAVE THE CHILDREN ALONE, GHOST WRITING COLLECTIVE.

Sara: Poor Georgie. 🙁 He has a sucky name, and he’s being abused by a serial killer.

She uses him to find out where his mother keeps her valuables, so she can steal them. Before she leaves, she makes sure to drown poor little Georgie. AW. YOU GUYS. THIS IS REALLY SAD.

Lor: WHY DO THE GHOST WRITERS KEEP KILLING CHILDREN? We can’t even use the sparkly lights graphic we use when other people die. Because it would be wrong to celebrate child death. *cough*

Sweeney: This has all gone to a place that I do not approve of. WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY?

Lor: Also, there is a really creepy description of dead Georgie in the dirty pond, floating “like a fat, dead duck.” Uh, what?

Sara: If I had a Make a Wish right now, I would wish that MarNO had drowned Jessica and her stupid lying cheating face instead of poor little Georgie.

Margo takes off for California, because that’s where the raspy voice in her head, Clint Eastwood, wants her to go. Clint Eastwood tells her that everything is better in California. When she gets to the bus station, an old woman asks her to watch her stuff while she goes to the restroom. Margo goes to steal her money (of course), and sees a newspaper with a picture of her on the front! Oh noes!

But wait. She doesn’t have blonde hair. It turns out that it’s a picture of Elizabeth on the cover of Sweet Valley News. Margo decides that this must be a sign, and buys a ticket to Sweet Valley. Before the old woman can come back and realize that she’s been robbed, Margo finds her in the bathroom and strangles her with her own scarf.

DAMN.

Margo is almost to Sweet Valley, y’all. And I cannot. fucking. wait.

KILL JESSICA! KILL JESSICA! KILL JESSICA!

Lor: In case you missed it, yes, Margo does look exactly like Elizabeth and Jess. SURPRISE! HAPPY DOPPLEGANGER DAY.

 

Overall Cry Count
Liz – 6
Jessica – Real: 4 Fake: 3

Lila – 2
Grace – 1

Bruce – 1
Raven Blue – 1
Margo – 1
Georgie – 2
Me – 219 (one for every page of this infuriating book)

 

Next time on Sweet Valley High: Will Bruce ever make a true slut out of Raven Blue? Will Jessica ever confess to her cunty ways? Will Elizabeth be locked up in a jail cell with prostitutes again? Find out in  #97 – The Verdict.

 

 

Sara (all posts)

I'm a married old lady of 25 who is currently pregnant and eating all the things. ALL THE THINGS. I work full time and consider myself "in between" semesters of college, because that sounds better than, "I have 8 classes left and just can't force myself to finish." There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.






Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.






Sweeney (all posts)

I collect elaborate false eyelashes, panda gifs, and passport stamps. I earned my MA in Global Communications and watching too many YouTube videos. Now people pay me to edit YouTube videos. The circle of life. Reconciling my aversion to leaving the house/wearing pants with my deep desire to explore everything is my life's great struggle.






Nugs (all posts)

I'm Nugs, the resident In-House Snark Squad Organizational Psychotic, or as Lor, calls it, "Prodigy." I cover the BSC along with Sweeney, Goosebumps, and whatever else I occasionally sneak into. I'm a native New Yorker stuck in LA, so my first language is Brooklynese, with a smattering of colloquial English. I'm a total sci-fi and comic book geek, which the Ladies have fostered by adding to my "impressive" collection of robots and action figures, even though they claim to be afraid of me. Also, if Ryan Gosling ever happens to accidentally stumble upon my posts I will probably be arrested. Oh haaaai.





Did you like this? Share it:

  • 1. That youth mauling bear graphic is awesome.
    2. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IN SWEET VALLEY???
    3. I don't know how you guys made it through the book. *I* nearly had a cry count just reading the recap!
    4. Margo and her crazy voices are racking up quite the body count. And yet, she can't even manage to kill the people who need killing. Fucking ghostwriters…
    5. I like how Nicholas' date wears crappy clothes and he's like "Oh, HELLS no. We're going to a dive with no dress code." But when HE wears the clothes he's been gardening in all day, they can still go to one of the dress code places. Also, he and Bruce need to hook up. Like, yesterday.

  • Nugs

    Did anyone else just get inappropriately excited about the prospect of a gay storyline involving Nicholas and Bruce? Because I totally did not. At all.

  • brilikethebear

    I did.

  • brilikethebear

    I like that the "classy as shit" hashtag winds up also saying "classy ass hit" (#classyasshit) because I always aim to stay classy when administering ass hits.

  • Pink Gingham Girl

    8.) Dress Jessica up like a cobra and sacrifice her to Honey Badger.

  • I'd like to point out that real life DOES have a Jessica Wakefield – her name is Kim Kardashian.

  • Crake Meade

    This would've been awesome as a Choose Your Own Nightmare story instead. Kill off the girl, and choose the form of the destructor!

  • Best cross-over idea ever.

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  • ilpejt

    Why would it not dawn on the cops that Elizabeth had some spiked punch? Sv cops must be a crew of Barney Fifes. Literary license I guess. If Margo took Jess’s place she wouldn’t have to change much. Thanks for the snarks. I’ve enjoyed them greatly.

  • Blinvy .

    I’m late to the party and I don’t care. What the hell is this series? Did I really read this thing as a kid and think it was good? I honestly never know what to get more mad at, the fact that the GWC seem to think all women make false rape accusations for revenge or the fact that they think most or all men are date rapists? Everything is offensive!!
    Also, does someone in the GWC have a serious vendetta against or hatred of children? Two small children have died during this storyline/collection of books and one is described as a “fat dead duck” That is a seriously ugly and angry way to describe a dead child and I’m starting to wonder if maybe one of the GWC is actually Margo in real life.