For Christmas this year, we’re blessing you all with the best thing to ever come to Sweet Valley, “The Evil Twin” mini-series. Catch up with the links below before continuing to part 4.
The Wedding little-cap: Jessica cries a big Wakefield cry when Todd FINALLY breaks up with her. She thinks perhaps now is the time to plan an event! To feel better, you know? Meanwhile, Elizabeth can’t catch a break, what with all the “guilt” and “Margo plotting to kill her” and all. Yep. Crazy ‘ole Margo is running around Sweet Valley spying on people and generally (still) being crazy. Lila, on the other hand, finally gets her parents back together despite a few brushes with a skeevy Frenchman.
Sara: Lila throws a party to introduce all of her friends to Grace. They have nothing but nice things to say to her, and Lila finally feels happy. The only thing she worries about is that Grace will have to go to Paris soon. Lila fears that she will stop feeling good about herself if Grace leaves again. Aw, poor needs-to-be-in-therapy Lila!
Lor: The best part of that is that Lila IS in therapy. The mentioned briefly in the last book that she was still going to Project Youth. Hahaha. Poor, poor Lila.
Sara: She goes to the bathroom and cries for a second, but then she remembers, “Wait. I’m Lila Fucking Fowler. I’ll just fix this problem by being me.”
Lila fixes her face and walks back out to her party on a mission – only to see Pierre, her mother’s boyfriend. He is again being described as horribly French, aka over dramatic and obnoxious. (Sweet Valley said it, not me!) Grace is all, “Hey, it’s cool if I invite Pierre to this party that he is currently at right now, right?” and Lila is like, “The fuck? Whatever, yes, it’s fine.” Grace should really give Lila a #PierreAlert once in a while. That bastard always comes slinking out of the shadows or from in between the clothes racks at the mall when you least expect it.
Nugs: I think #PierreAlerts should be given for all aspects of life. I just want to walk around and point to random people and be like, #PIERREALERT!
Sara: Pierre sashays up to Lila and talks about how excited he is to start hanging out with her. Lila pretty much just laughs at his stupid face and walks away, as any normal person would do. Grace pulls Lila aside and tells her that Pierre is really a nice guy, and she needs to start trying to get to know him better. Lila feels guilty for about half a page, but then she sees Pierre being obnoxious again and is like, “NOPE. Still hate him.”
Lor: She feels guilty for half a page because Grace gives her Judgy Mom Eye. Which, no. Stop it. You can’t not call me for 14 years and give me Judgy Mom Eye.
Sara: After the majority of the guests have left the party, Lila is standing with a small group of friends when she sees Amy run up to the house from the garden. Her face is sheet white, and she’s trembling and stuttering. She tells Lila that she has a headache and needs to go home. Lila knows that something is up with her friend, because mama didn’t raise no fool. (Well, mama didn’t raise her at all, but whatever.)
Nugs: Plus everyone in Sweet Valley kind of is a fool, but also whatever.
Sara: The next day, Amy calls Lila to tell her what happened. Amy was in the garden when Pierre came outside and started hitting on her. She told him no, but he went for a boob grab, and she ran off.
Lor: No. Also, I like that your #PierreAlerts have levels, like the Homeland Security Advisory System. I think you have one up on the government because I hear “Orange Alert” and I’m all “wuh?” But if I heard “motherfucking #terroristalert” I’d be all “SHIT.” I’d be way more advised of the danger level is all I’m saying.
Sara: Lila is the most awesome friend ever by being completely supportive and listening to Amy. She tells her that it was absolutely not her fault, and she will handle the situation because she’s Lila Motherfucking Fowler. Can I just mention that this was my favorite scene from the whole book? Lila is awesome!
Well… about three seconds later, Lila is not quite as awesome when she decides not to tell Grace what happened because she will look like a liar. As much as this isn’t the responsible thing to do, it’s hard to blame Lila with how Grace was shoving Pierre down her throat the day before. Lila figures she can just take care of the situation herself, because remember? Lila M. F. Fowler?
Later that week, Lila sets up a play date for Pierre and herself. She wants to show Grace that she’s trying to be nice, but really she’s just putting her evil plan into action. They will be spending the whole day together and will meet up with Papa Fowler and Grace for dinner afterwards. She thinks about Pierre saying, “I want to get to know you better, too,” and then thinks, “I bet you do, you disgusting pervert.” Hee!
She takes Pierre to a disgusting restaurant, convinces him to go surfing, and makes him go shopping with her and carry her dozens of bags all over the mall. After shopping, she takes him to play tennis where she STOMPS. THAT. ASS. Pierre is sweaty, exhausted, and just plain miserable at this point. Lila suggests they get dinner, and when they arrive, she encourages Pierre to have a drink. Pierre takes her up on that offer and ends up drinking like a freshman frat boy and getting obliterated. When Lila takes him home and he falls asleep in a closet, she closes the door and heads to dinner with Papa Fowler and Grace.
Lor: I have to admit that at first I was wary of Lila M.F. Fowler’s master plan. I mean, making him carry your shopping bags? Kind of lame when compared to Margo “I’m Gonna Get You, I’m Gonna Eat You.” But when the drinking started, I fell in love with Lila all over again. Even if she does have all sorts of emotional problems.
Sara: The Fowlers are eating their dinner when all of a sudden, Papa Fowler is like, “Grace, will you marry me?”
Grace doesn’t really say yes or no, and right then, the man of the hour walks in. Pierre is FUCKED. UP. y’all. He’s falling into tables, cussing at servers, and acting an all-around Charlie Sheen. Grace and Papa Fowler duck their heads, like, “Uh, we don’t know you, sir. Go away. Where are your parents?” Security throws Pierre outside on his ass, and Lila goes to finish things her way. Pierre starts yelling immediately about what a brat she is, but Lila is like, “Listen here CHILD MOLESTER. I suggest you step.” Pierre leaves, and Lila walks back inside to find that Grace has agreed to marry Papa Fowler.
Grace and Papa Fowler get married, and live happily ever after. For now.
Nugs: What in the…? Whatevs.
Jessica & Elizabeth
Sara: Jessica is sitting around Lila’s party feeling sorry for herself. She’s still playing the “I didn’t read the first book of this miniseries” game and decides that it’s completely unfair that Liz only lost her driving privileges, while Jessica lost her one true love. Elizabeth didn’t suffer like Jessica did, which is why Jessica needs to keep dating Todd. What the… Someone please put this child on medication!
Elizabeth is finally getting back to normal by catching up on schoolwork with zzzEnid. It figures that’s how Liz feels normal again. They go to the Dairi Burger after studying all day, and Liz is in an amaaaazing mood. (Nugs: Roofies again?) She’s dancing to songs on the jukebox, drinking lots of milkshakes, and laughing with her friends. Suddenly, Dead Sam Angel’s best friends comes out from nowhere and says, “You’re having an awfully good time,” and reminds her that Sam is still dead. Wow. What a fucking douchecanoe.
Elizabeth runs outside to cry and blame herself some more. This poor bitch.
Nugs: This just made me laugh SOHARD in my office and now people are staring. Thanks, Random Best Friend! Where should I mail my first unemployment check? #douchecanoe
Sara: Jessica goes over to Todd’s house, where he spends more time being creepy and pretending he’s with Liz instead. Jess goes to kiss him, and all Todd feels is the bitter taste of betrayal. And herpes. (Lor: Also bitter tasting.)
Jessica can tell Todd is about to say something not good, so she just rapekisses the shit out of him. It’s really, really creepy, you guys. When he pulls away, she tells him that none of her friends will talk to her because of what happened with Sam.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CUNTY MCCUNTERSON UGH.
I’m sorry, y’all. It’s just been book after book of me wanting something to mutilate this bitch.
Todd is a fucking tool, so he believes her and doesn’t break up with her. They go out on a date, but Todd is beyond miserable. Jessica keeps trying to be flirty and fun, but it’s not working, and it’s so awkward to read about her throwing herself all over him while he’s all zombiefied.
They walk down to the beach and out of nowhere, Todd says, “THIS ISN’T RIGHT! IT’S OVER!” all dramatically. Jessica just kind of shrugs and says okay. Well. That was easy.
Lor: Which makes you wonder why this jerk didn’t just, I don’t know, break up with her before. Next up for Todd: dialing a telephone.
Nugs: And also chlamydia.
Sara: Jess goes to Sam’s grave because she’s allll alooooone now. She throws herself on it and boo hoos for a really long time. When she finally gets up, her first thought is that she looks a hot mess and can’t possibly walk home like that, in case someone sees her. “After all, with or without Sam Woodruff, she was still Jessica Wakefield.”
Jessica Wakefield, ladies and gentlemen!
Lor: Please, feel free to throw the first stone! Jesus would!
Sara: Jess decides she needs to start feeling more like herself again, so she starts planning a dirt bike rally in Sam’s honor. Hopefully someone will run their dirt bike over her face! Fingers crossed!
Elizabeth is walking home from school when Todd pulls up next to her and offers her a ride. Liz is like, “The fuck? Dude hasn’t spoken to me since the prom and now he wants to be friends? LOL.” She is totally badass when she just smiles sweetly at him and says that she’s fine walking. You go, girl!
Jessica is still planning her dirt bike rally and is in better spirits finally. She starts to think that maybe she’s the one who messed up her relationship with Liz.
Elizabeth had always been so forgiving in the past…but maybe this time, Jessica had gone too far.
In the middle of the night, Jessica hears Liz having a nightmare and crying out. She runs over to her room and comforts her. She’s about to spill the beans about the roofie incident, but Mama Wakefield comes busting in right at that moment.
At the dirt bike rally the next day, Jessica gives a speech dripping with shit about how drinking and driving is wrong.
Lor: The Ghostwriters FAIL here because we can’t even learn a very! important! lesson! about drinking and driving… WHEN JESSICA SPIKED LIZ’S DRINK. Your whole big lesson is overshadowed by the fact that your main character is psychotic. UGH.
I’m sorry. Continue.
Sara: Right before the racers take off, a late entry shows up…. Black Lightning! Hee! What a douchey name.
Black Lightning wins the race (of course) and when he takes off his helmet to get the trophy from Jess, she’s in fucking love with him. Oh, Jesus.
Lor: Her uh, one two true love. Sorry Sam!
Sara: At school the next day, Jessica tells Lila about how she and James (Black Lightning) have become the most perfect couple to ever exist. They spend all their time together and all James ever wants to talk about is Jessica. I guess she really has finally found the perfect man for Jessica Wakefield.
Jessica brings James to the wedding to show up, and Liz ends up going with Winston, because he’s probably the most awesome guy in all of Sweet Valley. Winston keeps making fun of how gaudy everything at the wedding is, which makes me love him even more.
Todd sees Liz at the wedding and asks her to dance. They dance without really talking to each other, and at the end of the song, Liz starts crying and runs away. So…. probably not the best sign for Todd.
Lor: He’s dumb though so he’s probably thinking, “she likes me!” Yeah Todd. That’s it.
Sara: Margo is still planning on becoming Elizabeth Wakefield. She gets the Wakefield address and phone number from the phone book (LOL remember those?) and sets out on a tour of Sweet Valley, starting with Kelly’s! Sweet Valley’s only bar!
While she’s there, she meets James (yep, Black Lightning James!), and he tells her about being a dirt bike racer. She pretends like she gives a shit.
Later, Margo heads to the Wakefield house to get her spy on. She’s peering at their house through some bushes and sees one of the twins of the porch. Oh, wait! Nope, that’s their mother! They just look so much alike! -_- Margo is not an old man at a bar, so why is she using this line?
Margo is also excited to see that she has a brother. She knows that Steven won’t be like her other foster brothers. “Yes, she knew how Steven should think of her – as a younger sister and nothing more.” Well. That’s depressing. And dark for a Sweet Valley book. Poor psychotic Margo.
She notices that when Jessica and Elizabeth leave for school, they don’t speak to each other at all. At first, she’s disappointed that she won’t get to have the best relationship with her new sister, but then she realizes that this could work out even better for her plan.
Margo goes to the mall to see if she can figure out any more information on the Wakefield twins. While there, she stops in an ice cream shop to eavesdrop on high school kids like a creeper. She orders one scoop of vanilla ice cream and when the employee says, “That’s it?” she snaps back, “No, I was withholding vital information about my order.” Hee!
Lor: Ah, Margo. Quit trying to woo us with your sarcastic banter!
Sara: Margo is flipping through the Sweet Valley newspaper and thinks to herself, “I haven’t been to a movie in a while. There just never seems to be enough time.” You know, with all that killing people stuff getting in the way.
Lor: I wonder if the voice in her head would stay quiet long enough to watch a movie…
Sara: While she’s looking at movie times, she sees an article about the dirt bike rally Jessica is planning. Good thing she met James 50 pages ago! She also sees something about Papa Fowler and Grace’s wedding. She sees a picture of Lila and figures the twins will likely be at the wedding. Margo is a pretty smart kid and immediately finds out who the caterer is so she can get in the door to the wedding.
She also gives James a call and tells him she’ll give him a shitload of money if he helps her. All he has to do is win the dirt bike rally and find out some information from Jessica about her family. He agrees to sell his soul to the devil.
Lor: Oh snap! I knew James was bad ever since he walked into Sweet Valley’s only bar. Only Rick Grabby Hands Andover, rapists and murderers go to Kellys.
Also this explains why he keeps wanting to talk about Jess. LOL. No one would want to talk about only Jess unless paid a lot of money.
Sara: Josh, brother of Poor Georgie Angel, is still on the hunt for MarGo-Crazy. He’s been running around the train stations showing everyone a picture of Margo to track her down. Finally, one train conductor is all, “That little freak? Yeah, she was heading to San Diego and reading the Sweet Valley News, and is it weird that I remember all these specific details about a 16 year old girl?” Josh is like SAN DIEGO MUST BE WHERE SHE IS, because he’s a fucking moron.
Margo heads to the caterer’s office to get a job and crash the Fowler wedding. The woman at the desk tells her that, unfortunately, they have no need for more employees at the moment. If anything comes up, they’ll let Margo know.
So obviously, Margo heads straight to the house of one of the catering company’s employees. The woman is putting her baby in the car and walks to the mailbox when Margo stomps on the gas pedal and straight runs her ass over. The woman’s limp body is on the hood of her car, so she reverses and runs over her again. (The book specifically says corpse, and it’s creepy as fuck.) Margo can hear the baby crying as she drives away.
WHAT THE FUCK, GHOSTWRITERS? This shit isn’t awesome or funny, it’s just sad! How the hell am I supposed to snark this?!
Nugs: Why do they keep killing kids/and or leaving them for dead? What is WRONG with these people?
Lor: Not to mention that someone has died AGAIN and we still can’t use our flashy death lights because holy shit! She ran over some innocent lady with a baby in the car. WHAT? HOW IS THAT FAIR?
Sara: Fifteen millenniums later, Josh realizes that Margo is in Sweet Valley, not San Diego. Moron.>
Margo got the job at the catering company! Yay! It must have been her exemplary interview skills. Unfortunately for Margo, her boss is keeping her inside the house, filling up trays with food rather than outside where she can spy on the twins. She grabs a butcher knife and is about to murder that woman’s face off right there, when her boss suddenly turns around and tells her to take a tray outside. Well. That was easy.
Margo spends the rest of the night standing around and eavesdropping on people. She discovers that Jessica dated Todd for a hot minute and thinks about how she’ll have to teach her a lesson if she tries that shit again. Word, Margo.
When Liz and Todd dance, Margo crazygasms all over the place about how much she loves them together. She wants some of that sweet Todd pie, y’all! “We will be together. Just as soon as I kill Elizabeth Wakefield.”
YES! I love this bitch, you guys!
Lor: Except she should be killing JESSICA. Details, though.
Next time on Sweet Valley High: The end draws near, y’all, and if Margo has her way, the end is gonna = ElizaDEATH. Tune in next time when Margo starts working at a daycare and imitating Liz. Plus, Winston is babysitting when the mom just ups and disappears. WTF is Winston gonna do with a baby?? Find out on SVH #99 – Beware the Babysitter