That’s right, Traumateers. It’s going to be A Very Sweet Valley Christmas. Ho Ho Ho!
For our Very Sweet Valley Christmas, we’re going to jump ahead and cover the most wonderful miniseries to ever come out of the Sweet Valley universe. Every Monday and Thursday until Christmas, we will be covering seven action-filled books from Magna Edition: A Night to Remember all the way to SVH #100, The Evil Twin. This miniseries contains numerous dances (thank Jeezy), lots of twin hate, and real! deaths! Real deaths, y’all!
Sara: Buckle your seatbelts, kids, because this Sweet Valley book is a Magna Edition, which means it’s a bit longer than usual. But trust me when I say, it is so. fucking. worth it.
This might be a record for the first book where Jessica doesn’t start things off by staring at herself in a full length mirror!
Lor: Hooray! Merry Christmas!
Sara: She’s walking into Liz’s room, and then she… oh, shit. No, she’s looking in a full length mirror now.
Lor: Oh. THANKS A LOT SANTA CLAUS.
Sara: Jessica is telling her twin sister that she has achieved the perfect golden tan, and Liz thinks about how they look just the same, but they’re oh so different. Copy. Paste. Blah blah blah.
The girls talk about the beach party they’re going to that night with their boyfriends. (Kicking this miniseries off with a party! Yay!). Elizabeth will be going with Todd, her longtime boyfriend, and Jessica will be going with Sam, her sort-of-longtime boyfriend from a different school. (Gasp! I know. I didn’t realize there were any other schools than Sweet Valley High. How sad for them.) They start talking about throwing a Jungle Prom at the school. Liz wants to work with an environmental organization and donate all the proceeds to charity, and Jess just wants to have a prom so she can be queen of it, natch.
Once they’re at the beach party, all the kids have a circle jerk over how great Sweet Valley is. Of course, that’s just a little foreshadowing because we find out shortly after that Big Mesa (the rival school) is planning on raiding their beach party. All the girls are like, “OMG WE ARE SO SCARED,” and all the guys get freaked out and start planning their defense strategy like they’re going to Nam. But really, it’s a beach party. How much harm could some high school kids seriously do? Kick sand in your eyes? OH NOES.
While the kids all stand around and wait for their party to be raided instead of, oh, I don’t know, going somewhere else, Bruce dares Jessica to swim out to a buoy and back. Jessica immediately starts ripping off her clothes, because she won’t ever hesitate to get in her bikini at any available moment.
Lor: The book made sure to tell us that she was taking off her clothes all strip tease like. I’m sorry. What?
Sara: Elizabeth is all worried that Jessica will drown or something, because it’s dark out and she’s the mom of the group. Even zzzEnid is like, “Dude, Liz, chill out, you’re kind of being a drag.” When zzzEnid thinks you’re being lame, YOU ARE BEING LAME. Elizabeth actually cries when Jessica comes walking back up the beach.
Liz – 1
Elizabeth is tired of always having to be the responsible twin. It’s time to put herself first for a while. You go, girl!
At the other side of the party, Lila is having a terrible time on her date. Five books ago, she was almost date raped by the evil John Pfeifer. He made the whole school believe that she was a ho fa sho, but eventually everyone realized she was telling the truth and shunned John Pfeifer. Because that’s how Lila takes care of shit.
She isn’t even pretending to have a good time on her date at the beach party. She’s still traumatized from her experience and doesn’t trust men anymore. Poor Lila. 🙁 Also: Poor Lila’s date.
Lor: Meanwhile, everyone around Lila is all, “Can you get over being date raped, GOD!” I was all judgy at first. I mean, c’mon Sweet Valley. Not everyone has that “getting over almost being raped immediately” skill. But then, she just kept complaining and complaining and my god. GET OVER IT.
(Sara said my mind has been brain washed by Sweet Valley. I feel so dirty. Sorry Santa. This is why we should keep this away from children.)
Sara: Bruce is at the party with Andrea, his current girl of the minute. He’s treating her like he learned all of his moves from The Pickup Artist. He’s completely ignoring her, and she’s just all, “OMG Bruce, I love you so much, why are you so meeeaaaaaaan?” Bruce hates that she’s so clingy because he wants girls to be a challenge.
In his opinion, the only fun in dating was the sport of it. The more it was like a tennis match, where he had to wear down his opponent through expertise and sheer force of will, the better he liked it.
WTF. That sounds awfully rape-y to me.
Lor: That doesn’t sound rape-y, that is rape-y. Play a round of tennis with Bruce, walk away pregnant??
Sara: Maybe if he had mentioned the Dixie cups and wine in the backseat of his car, it would have felt a little better.
Andrea tries to get Bruce to ask her on a date, but he treats her like a whorey whore whore and she just sits there and cries.
Liz – 1
Andrea – 1
Right when it seems like the beach party is winding down, Big Mesa shows up to trample all over the Sweet Valley fun. They throw tables over with food on them, spray everyone with silly string, and take the cassette out of the boombox and throw it towards the water. No! Not the cassette tape!
Lor: Meanwhile, everyone from Sweet Valley…
I’m not understanding why someone didn’t just chuck the boombox at some Big Mesa heads.
Sara: As soon as the Big Mesa kids show up, they’re gone, having accomplished their goals to squash the cute little beach party the Sweet Valley kids planned. I have to admit, I’m a little #TeamBigMesa because they have some serious balls to fuck with the holy heaven that is Sweet Valley. The kids head to the Dairi Burger, because that’s the only place in all of Sweet Valley to go. (Lor: Don’t forget Kelly’s. But only if you are feeling a little sexual assault-y.)
Lila tells her date that she doesn’t want to go to the Dairi Burger, because she’s tired. Really, she just feels uncomfortable being around large groups of people still. He takes her home and is really sweet on the way, but Lila shuts him down like a pro. When he walks her to her door, he leans in to kiss her, and she think he’s trying to attack her. She screams and runs inside, and her poor date is probably going to be too terrified to try kissing a girl again for years.
When Lila gets inside, she sees that her father left a message on the answering machine. He’s out of town (as usual) being an awful parent.
Lor: I hear being a full time awful parent requires lots of traveling.
Sara: And lots of pretending you don’t have a kid at all.
Lila wishes she could talk to him about what’s been going on lately but convinces herself that she needs to be a grown up and handle things on her own. Aw, poor Lila. She cries. Good God, we’re only 59 pages in, and the boo hoo’ing ain’t stopping anytime soon!
Liz – 1
Andrea – 1
Lila – 1
At school the next day, Liz tells everyone that the prom has gotten the green light from Chrome Dome Cooper, Principal of Sweet Valley High. The prom committee will team up with an environmental organization to throw the prom. Environmental Alert will donate some boring door prizes, and the school will donate all the proceeds from the dance to the organization. Liz gets shit done, son. Didn’t the twins just come up with the prom idea yesterday?
Elizabeth’s friends tell her that she’s done a great job all on her own, but she insists that Jessica came up with the idea, too. Enid and Olivia tell her that she’s done all the work for the prom so far, and Jessica hasn’t done shit (which is true). They tell her that she would be a great candidate for PROM QUEEN.
Lor: WHY ARE WE YELLING? IS BEING PROM QUEEN SUPER IMPORTANT OR SOMETHING?
Sara: Is being PROM QUEEN important? If you don’t think so, you are obviously not a Wakefield.
Elizabeth starts thinking about how it really would be nice to be PROM QUEEN. It isn’t fair that Jessica always gets to the queen of the ball. Liz decides that she’s going to stick by what she said at the beach party. ME ME ME. I’m feeling a catfight coming on, y’all.
After school, Lila goes to counseling at Project Youth, and her counselor is Nathan Pritchard, a young guy who is also a counselor at Sweet Valley High. He helps her realize that her date wasn’t trying to attack her when he dropped her off after the beach party. Nathan seems to help her a lot, because she really just needs someone to talk to.
Lor: I like Nathan a lot, but considering that Lila just made up an entire attack scenario in her head, I think he should be a lot less, “LOL. You’ll be fiiiiine,” and a lot more, “Girl, you need help.”
Sara: The spokesperson for Environmental Alert calls Elizabeth to confirm details for the prom. She tells them all about how they’ve decided to decorate the gym with vines, trees, and cut-outs of jungle animals (?), and how they plan on having a PROM QUEEN and king.
The representative tells Liz that he has exciting news. They’d like to give away a trip to Brazil! To one lucky student! As a representative for Environmental Alert! Elizabeth obviously needs to change her panties now, because working for Environmental Alert sounds like the most Elizabeth thing I’ve ever heard.
She runs outside to tell Jessica and Lila the good news, and Jessica immediately starts picturing herself wearing the tiara and stepping on the peasants who keep her so popular. Remember what happened last time you wanted a plastic Claire’s tiara, Jess? I have a feeling this is going to be so much worse.
Jessica knows she’ll do about 0% of real work in Brazil, so she’s all about winning an all-expense paid trip to Ho Suspension Island. She tries to make Lila jealous, but LOL, Lila just says, “I have absolutely no interest in being Prom Queen.” Word.
However, Lila is jealous of the bond that Jessica has with her Negligent Mother of the Book, Alice. When Alice comes home from work and goes into SUPERMOM mode, asking Jessica about her day, Lila sees that Alice must really love her kids, because who the fuck would want to listen to Jessica drone on and on about her day for no reason? Lila leaves, because the happiness is killing her on the inside, and she knows her father probably couldn’t even identify her in a line-up. Emo Lila is such a drag. Lor: Also: Crazy.
During the prom committee meeting at school the next day, Elizabeth brings up what the attire will be for the prom. She knows that Jessica wanted everyone to wear Tarzan and Jane outfits (she would), but Liz would rather everyone dress formally because, y’know, it’s a motherfucking prom and all. Jessica has missed every single prom committee meeting so far, so Liz decides to just hold the vote without her. Formal, it is!
When Liz tells Jessica how the vote turned out, Jess goes psycho and accuses Elizabeth of trying to sabotage her. Liz is all, “Bitch, you haven’t been to a meeting yet!” and Jess is all, “…..Oh.” You just got Elizabitch’d!
Andrea tries to get Bruce to agree to hang out with her after school, and he treats her like a straight up prostitute. I was feeling sorry for Andrea, but now I’m thinking she’s just a dumb bitch. He tells her he’ll call her later if he has nothing else to do. She cries.
Lor: If I remind you that Bruce probably gave her the clap, will you feel bad for her again?
Liz – 1
Andrea – 2
Lila – 1
Bruce walks outside and sees that all of the cars in the SVH parking lot have been decorated with shaving cream. He gets psycho Hulk angry and threatens to beat some ass.
LOL. Like Bruce could even slap a person properly. Lor: Without messing up his mani. Sara: He’d probably just hire someone to do it for him.
When Liz goes to the Oracle office, she finds a copy of the Big Mesa High newspaper on her desk. The school is talking all sorts of smack about SVH, and about Elizabeth’s boyfriend, in particular.
Especially pathetic this year is the boy’s varsity basketball team. Despite his height, SVH team captain Todd Wilkins came up short in our last matchup. His teammates call him ‘Wizzer’; we suggest ‘Whimper’ might be a more appropriate sobriquet.
Ooh, burn. -_-
Elizabeth tells the newspaper staff that they should forget retaliating, because they don’t want to sink to the level of Big Mesa. Of course she does.
The next day at school, when The Oracle is released, Liz looks through it and sees that an article that was supposed to be about the basics of the prom has been hijacked by Jessica. Jess spends the entire article promoting herself as much as the prom, and Liz is pissed that this is all a ploy for PROM QUEEN. And probably also pissed that she didn’t come up with it first.
When Jessica gets home from cheerleading practice that night, Liz confronts her about the article. Jessica explains that she wasn’t trying to be the center of attention; the article was just boring before she spiced it up! Jessica also mentions that she can’t wait to be PROM QUEEN and go to Brazil, which sends Liz into OH NO YOU DIDN’T mode.
Liz bitches that Jessica always gets everything, and this time, Liz wants to be PROM QUEEN. Jess is the queen of every motherfucking dance that ever existed in Sweet Valley, so it really isn’t that unreasonable for Jessica to let her have just one, but I guess if ya ain’t first, you’re last.
Lor: The best part is that Jess’ reasoning for all this is that she thinks the twins are two sides of a coin. She is the “be pretty and in the spotlight” side and Liz is the “work really hard to get Jess in the spotlight side.” Best sister ever.
Sara: I’d rather Jessica be the “get hit by a bus” side.
Jessica goes over to her boyfriend Sam’s house to bitch about her sister, like women do. Sam is totally awesome and doesn’t take sides; he just tells Jessica that he loves her and cheers her up. Awww, Sam.
Lor: I like Sam. I like someone who likes Jess.
Sara: Totally understandable, Lorraine. Sam is way too good for Jessica and all of Sweet Valley, for that matter. Fuck Throat Punch Todd, I’d like me a piece of Sam, kthanks.
Elizabeth bitches to Todd about her sister, like women do. Todd is also totally supportive and like, “Dude, chill. PROM QUEEN really isn’t even that big a deal.” I believe the capital letters disagree with you there, Todd.
At the pep rally for one of the millionty games SVH will be playing against Big Mesa in this book, Jessica shows off like a professional when she does impossible flip after impossible flip down the gym in her cheerleading uniform. People think that’s awesome, and Liz thinks she’s being a ho by using her Head Cheerleader power to get votes for PROM QUEEN. I say work it, girl.
Lor: Look at her walking! She must be trying to get votes for Queen. She’s breathing! Show-off. Did she just blink? Vote whore.
Sara: Jessica and Lila go shopping for prom dresses after the pep rally, and Jess tries to convince Lila to go to the dance, even if she goes alone. She’s being a sweet best friend, and it’s nice to see that Jessica can be a human being sometimes. But don’t get used to it, you guys.
Jessica keeps rambling on about being PROM QUEEN, and Lila tells her not to count her chickens just yet; tons of people are talking about voting for Liz. This makes Jessica sweat. Oh, Lila. The one person who is awesome at fucking with Jessica Wakefield.
At the beach later with Lila, Jessica realizes that she forgot to pick Sam up from the bus station like she said she would. She mentions it to Lila and then runs off to go pick up Sam. LOL Yeah, right. She keeps hanging out with Lila and figures Sam will find another way home. Nice.
When Elizabeth is on her way home, she sees Sam walking down the road and offers to give him a ride. He’s a much nicer boyfriend than I would be, because he doesn’t once call Jessica an inconsiderate bitch, like I would have. He tells Liz that he doesn’t want to get in the middle of their argument over PROM QUEEN, because he cares about them both. Awww, Sam!
Bruce is walking around by himself at night, because he’s creepy as fuck. He runs into Nicholas Morrow, and we get a little backstory about Nicolas’ sister, Regina. Bruce dated Regina for a hot minute, until he became a super douche, dumped her, and flaunted a new girlfriend in front of her face. She was so devastated that she tried drugs once AND DIED. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS, KIDS. DRUGS ARE BAD, MMKAY?
Brucey Woosey gets all boo hoo face over his dead ex-girlfriend, and even though drug deaths are sad, I laugh a little at Bruce’s tears. I hadn’t been entirely sure that he still had tear ducts.
Liz – 1
Andrea – 2
Lila – 1
Bruce – 1 (Finally, a boy makes the list!)
Elizabeth gets to school the next day, and Jessica is handing out Jungle Prom buttons. Liz is livid and approaching scary psycho mode quickly.
Todd tries to talk Liz down from the ledge, and she accuses him of defending her sister when he should be siding with her. Dude, Todd. You should really just agree with your girlfriend, if you want to make it to second base anytime soon.
HA. Second base. With Elizabeth Wakefield. Right.
Jessica goes on a date with Sam that night and spends the entire time talking about Liz. He tries to be silly and talk to her about his biceps, but she just cuts him off and keeps on bitching, like a woman. (You can talk to me about your biceps, Sam!) Sam defends Liz and mentions how nice it was of her to pick him up the other day when Jessica forgot him. “That’s our perfect little Elizabeth all right – our perfect, sneaky little Elizabeth.” This bitch is paranoid, y’all.
The twins get a chance to be interviewed for Sweet Sixteen magazine. Jessica is late, and the interviewer tells Liz they can’t wait any longer, so they leave. Jessica comes running up 45 minutes after their meeting time, and cries about Liz being a bitch, even though Jess was FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATE.
Liz – 1
Andrea – 2
Lila – 1
Bruce – 1
Jess – 1
Lor: And through the tears, Jess manages to blame Liz for her lateness. She blames Liz because she was late. Let that sink in.
Sara: Elizabeth starts being a pretty big bitch to everyone, because she’s looking out for number one, remember? She is acting like Jessica a lot more now. None of her friends like it, but they’re afraid to say anything to her in case she ‘roid rages their faces off.
After SVH wins in the basketball game against Big Mesa, thanks to Todd making the final game-saving point, the crew all heads to Dairi Burger, of fucking course. Everyone is congratulating Todd on his great game (how great could it be if they only won by one point?) when Jessica realizes that everyone will probably vote for Todd to be prom king because of the game. She starts to resent Sam, because he goes to a different school, and it’s all his fault that she won’t get PROM QUEEN and Liz will. Aww, poor Sam. 🙁
Elizabeth thinks about how sad it is that she and Jessica are fighting when this should be one of the most fun nights of their lives. She boo hoos a little. Jessica thinks about how much Liz sucks and how she’s going to be a way better PROM QUEEN. Priorities, girl…
Liz – 2
Andrea – 2
Lila – 1
Bruce – 1
Jessica – 1
The girls aren’t speaking at all while they get ready for the prom the next night. When Todd and Sam come to pick them up, their parents make them pose for awkward I-hate-this-bitch-but-I’ll-smile-anyway pictures, and Jess spends the whole time thinking about how Liz looks more like a PROM QUEEN and has a better corsage, and Sam isn’t good enough, UGH SHUT UP, I’M STARTING TO HATE YOU, YOU MEAN WHORE.
Lor: Yay! That makes me so happy!
Sara: At the dance, Elizabeth and Todd are having a great time. Everyone is complimenting Liz on how great the prom looks, and she’s in high spirits. Jessica, however, is not having such a good time. She sees everyone complimenting Elizabeth and gets mad that no one is congratulating her. EVEN THOUGH SHE HASN’T DONE SHIT FOR THIS PROM. Ugh, I really wish someone had invited a youth mauling bear to this fucking prom.
Jessica sits in the corner with Sam, sulking about how life is so unfair. Wah! Sam tries to talk her out of it, but Jess is hearing none of it. She is miserable, damn it! And don’t you let her forget it!
Bruce and his goons start acting like mobsters when they hear that some Big Mesa kids have shown up with tickets to the Jungle Prom. Wait. Why would kids from one school go to another school’s prom? I guess Sweet Valley prom is like Diddy’s white party. Anyways, the kids are allowed in, because they don’t seem like they’re at the prom to start trouble.
The prom king is announced first, and whatdyaknow?! Todd ‘Wizzer’ Wilkins (giggle) is the winner! He goes on stage to collect his crown, and Winston informs him that he’ll have to stand on stage handing out raffle prizes for the next hour, until the PROM QUEEN is announced. What a rip-off! The prom king should be able to choose a lowly servant to do this job for him.
While Todd is handing out prizes, Elizabeth dances with Sam to a fast song, because poor Sam has no one else to talk to since Jessica has been ignoring him all night like a total asshole. Jessica sees them dancing and starts going killer Carrie. A Big Mesa guy comes up to her, slurring and acting like a drunken hobo. She gets that Satanish glint in her eye and asks if she can have some of his alcohol. The boy pours the remainder of the liquor in his flask into an empty punch cup for Jess, and she leaves to go “share it with her friends”.
Jessica makes her way across the room to where Elizabeth and Todd were sitting. She finds Liz’s cup and pours all of the liquor in her punch. “So Elizabeth wants to have it all, even what doesn’t belong to her! Well this’ll show her!” Jessica thinks. I have a feeling this is not going to end well.
Lor: I think that’s a little bit of an understatement. Jessica just poured a Solo cups’ worth of an unidentifed liquor into her sister’s cup beacuse that will somehow ensure that she wins PROM QUEEN. What in the name of all things that are holy is her mother fucking problem? She makes me want to roll cars over with the sheer strength of my hatred.
Sara: She didn’t even ask the Big Mesa kid what kind of liquor it was. For all she knows, she just roofied her own sister. (So maybe Todd will have a really great prom night?)
The song playing ends, and Liz and Sam head back to their table for refreshments. Jessica watches Elizabeth take a sip of her spiked drink and feels mighty pleased with herself for trying to ruin Liz’s chances of being PROM QUEEN. She turns around and doesn’t see Liz pouring half of her spiked punch into Sam’s cup.
Almost immediately afterward, Liz and Sam are CRUNK, y’all. They’re dancing really silly and basically just acting like hilarious drunk people. But since this is a book geared towards teenagers, we’re supposed to think this is bad. DRINKING IS BAD, KIDS.
Lor: I thought it was pretty hilarious. Especially the part where Liz yells to some people watching her something about the floor opening up and trying to eat her. Oh, girl. Been there, done drunk.
Sara: Elizabeth slurs to Sam that she doesn’t want to fight with Jessica anymore. PROM QUEEN doesn’t mean that much to her, so she’s decided to “wifdraw” from the competition. Aw, poor Liz. Jessicaca is such a sociopath.
When PROM QUEEN is announced, Jessica is obviously the winner, because Elizabeth wifdrew her name. On her way to the stage to collect her Claire’s tiara, Jess hears some girls whisper that it was a lot easier to win with Elizabeth out of the running. Jessica suddenly realizes that she’s made a huge mistake.
NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.
While Todd and Jessica sit on stage as prom king and PROM QUEEN, Todd sees Elizabeth and Sam hugging on the dance floor and is immediately like, “ZOMG, HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME?”
Lor: I don’t know. Because you drowned her liver?
Sara: Premarital hugging is even worse than premarital hand holding!
While Jessica is sulking on stage, she sees Elizabeth and Sam heading for the exit. She starts to follow after them, but all of a sudden, the Big Mesa kids show up to raid the prom.
SERIOUSLY. Do these kids have nothing else to do on Saturday nights?
Lor: Not when premarital hugging is even worse than premarital hand holding.
Sara: Jessica gets stuck in the crowd and can’t catch up to Elizabeth in time to find out where she’s going.
Bruce runs out to the football field where the Big Mesa students are starting a fight with the SVH students. He’s just running around, throwing punches like he’s Throat Punch Todd or something. You are NOT Throat Punch Todd, you evil weasel. He’s feeling proud of himself for being such a badass, until a Big Mesa kid hits him in the back of the head with a baseball bat.
HA! TEAM BIG MESA, Y’ALL!
The Big Mesa kid is about to hit him again, but a beautiful girl yells for him to stop. “He’s down already – he’s hurt. Please just leave him alone!” The guy walks off, and Bruce falls in love with this random girl for saving his life. Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s just brain damage from being hit in the head with a baseball bat. Also, I hate that bitch for saving Bruce’s pathetic life.
Inside the gym, Lila gets stuck in the crowd and starts to have a panic attack. Bruce told her at the dance earlier that lots of big, scary boys from Big Mesa would be there, and they wouldn’t be as nice as John Pfeifer. (Because Bruce is the motherfucking prick of all pricks.) Lila stands still in the middle of the crowd, unable to breathe, when suddenly, Nathan grabs her arm and pulls her away from the crowd and into a nearby classroom so she can catch her breath.
Nathan steps towards Lila to make sure she’s okay, but she has another John Pfeifer flashback and thinks that he’s about to try to rape her. She screams and starts crying. Poor fucked up Lila. Poor going-to-be-fucked-by-the-police Nathan.
Liz – 2
Andrea – 2
Lila – 2
Bruce – 1
Jessica – 1
The police show up to help with the riot all the kids are causing and hear Lila scream. They run into the classroom, and Lila shouts, “He attacked me!” Poor Nathan is like WHAT. THE. FUCKING. FUCK. Poor, poor Nathan.
Lor: Told you Nate! Lila is crazy!
Sara: Jessica finally makes it past the crowd and out of the gym. She sees Sam in the twins’ jeep and Elizabeth getting in the driver’s seat. She yells for her sister, but Liz doesn’t hear. Todd and Jessica race after them, but they don’t make it in time.
Lor: They are going to crash, right? I mean, you drink once and you crash, right?
Sara: It’s the truth of life, along with weed making you hallucinate that your dog can talk.
When Jessica and Todd pull up to the scene of the accident, they hear a man say, “It’s a darned shame. No one could have made it through that crash alive. And so young. It’s a darned shame.”
Jessica loses her shit, probably because of that time she GOT HER SISTER DRUNK AND LET HER DRIVE AND GET IN A FUCKING WRECK.
I really enjoyed the last line of this book:
Jessica fell to her knees. “Elizabeth!” she sobbed into the unforgiving night. “Sam! No!”
I really like that unforgiving night part, like we should be all, “Aw, poor Jessica. She just really wanted to be PROM QUEEN, she’s just a kid, we can totally relate!” NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. If your mind works like Jessica Wakefield’s mind works in this miniseries, there is something wrong with you, because you are a fucking sociopath.
Also, this is an unbelievable cry count, y’all. If we’re lucky, we’ll be able to break our record as we move forward with the miniseries.
Liz – 2
Andrea – 2
Lila – 2
Bruce – 1
Jessica – 1
Next time on Sweet Valley High: Tragedy grips Sweet Valley and Jessica finds some way to blame everything on Liz. Elsewhere, Lila keeps lying about Nathan attacking her. Bruce is infatuated with the girl who saved his life. I fear for her safety. All this and more in #95 – The Morning After.