Previously: Ana tries dressing up like a litte girl so maybe Grey won’t have sex with her but that doesn’t work. Grey doesn’t discriminate. So, they have sex some more. Grey ties Ana up with a tie. Ana’s inner goddess dances around like a spaz and Grey’s mom show up unexpectedly.
Sara: Christian jumps up, throws the used condom in the trash can, and pulls on his jeans (commando-style!) to go greet his mother. He tells Ana to do the same. Which means they’re going to be meeting Christian’s parents smelling like ripe sex. Yum.
Christian unwraps the tie from around Ana’s wrists, and she notices the pattern it left behind and thinks about how super sexual it is.
Lor: I’d like to know what this tie is made of. Is it a new special sort of rope tie? A tie strong enough that Ana needs help getting out of it? A Stretch Armstrong tie that you can pull and tie and then it just goes back to normal? All I’m saying is, that’s one hell of a tie.
Sara: When Ana’s finished with her mini-fantasy, she panics because she doesn’t have any clean clothes in the room. Christian basically tells her to shut it, saying, “I will expect you in that room in five minutes, otherwise I’ll come and drag you out of here myself in whatever you’re wearing.”
Ana finds that her clothes from last night are still wearable. (And if they’re not, just Febreeze them, girl!) (But I would never do that, of course.) (Lor: Nope. Never done that before at all.) Unfortunately, she doesn’t have a clean pair of underwear, so she snags a pair of boxer briefs from Christian’s dresser.
Lor: Since they’ve told us about a millionty times that Ana is really thin, I imagine his boxer briefs are big on her? So I just get “weird bunching” when I think about it.
Sara: Also, there would be a cold breeze on her vagAna. (See what I did there?!)
Ana checks herself in the mirror and realizes that she looks like a ho fa sho. Her subconscious even mouths the word “ho” at her. You know, I find myself agreeing with Ana’s subconscious more and more.
Christian introduces Ana to his mother, and she’s sophisticated and beautiful and awesome, of course. Money makes you fabulous, dahling. They are all discussing how Ana and Christian met, when Ana’s cell phone starts ringing. Thinking it’s Kate, she rushes to answer the call, being such a good friend and all.
Except whoops! It’s not Kate, it’s Josecob. The last time we saw Josecob, he was laying some unwanted grope-age on drunkAna. Christian creepily stalked Ana’s life, but showed up just in time to save the day. Ana answers the phone, and Josecob immediately starts whining about her not returning his calls. Kate won’t tell him where Ana is, and he’s fuh-reaking out. Dude. A rich guy in a nice car picked her up when she was drunk last night. What do you think is happening?
Lor: Not only that, but dude. YOU LAID DOWN UNWANTED GROPE-AGE. Of course I’m not picking up your calls, asshole.
Sara: After his mother leaves, Christian makes sure to grill Ana about the call with Josecob, as any true stalker would. Before Ana and Christian head to the car for the drive back to her apartment, Christian pulls out the official contract. He encourages her to read through it thoroughly and do research on the subject before agreeing to anything. Ana mentions that she doesn’t have a laptop. I have a feeling Christian Grey will be rectifying this situation shortly.
Lor: “Hi, I’m Ana Steele, the only college student left in America without access to a computer.”
I suspect that there isn’t a “BDSM Contracts” section of the local library. She totally needs that laptop.
Sara: Ana gets in the elevator with Christian and starts biting her lip, because of course. Christian is all, “Stop biting your lip, or I will fuck you in the elevator, and I don’t care who gets in with us.” I think that elevators make Christian Gray horny. Maybe you should start taking the stairs, bro.
Ana tells Christian that she really needs to talk to Kate about at least the basics of sex, because she’s never talked about it with anyone before. He finally gives her permission (ANGRY FEMINIST ROAR), and Ana is immediately placated. They get in Christian’s 4×4 Audi, put on their Ray-Bans, and crank some Bruce Springsteen for the drive. E. L. James is down with the kids, y’all.
Christian stops at a secluded restaurant (this book keeps feeling more and more like a horror story), and demands that Ana eat, because he has to at least once a chapter. Christian orders two glasses of wine, and when Ana pouts that she wants Diet Coke, he again tells her to shut it and drink the wine. I’m all for a glass of wine, but if I’m eating? Ew.
Lor: Water please!
JUST KIDDING. LARGE SODA.
Also, this is about the part where I really started hating Christian Grey. Please, ladies of the world, let’s swoon over a man who orders you to drink alcohol because he says so. Let’s have that happen.
Sara: Ana finds out that Christian’s time with her has been a weekend of firsts for him, too. He tells her that he’s never slept in the same bed as another woman, never had sex in his own bed, never taken a girl for a helicopter ride, and never introduced a girl to his mother. “What are you doing to me?” he asks her.
Christian tells Ana to stop biting her lip again. I mean, what the fuck? Does this girl have some kind of lip-biting disease or something?
Lor: Maybe it’s like Restless Leg Syndrome, but you know, for the lip.
Sara: To calm the sexual tension in the room, we get a little information spill on Christian’s background.
“One of my mother’s friends seduced me when I was fifteen. She had very particular tastes. I was her submissive for six years. So I do know what it involves, Anastasia.”
Ana is so caught off guard that even her subconscious is shutting up. Unfortunately, we don’t get a gasp out of her, though.
Lor: I’ll admit that I probably gasped a little. Only because I find this whole, “she seduced” me thing completely insane. YOU WERE 15. SHE WAS A GROWN ASS ADULT.
RAPE. RAPE. RAPE. RAPE. RAPE.
Just so we’re clear, that’s rape.
Sara: Wait, so… you’re saying it was rape? But really seriously for real though. RAPE.
Christian tells Ana that he doesn’t sleep with that woman anymore, but he does still see her sometimes. Ana’s stomach feels queasy from all this new information, and she loses her appetite. So of course Christian is there to be creepy and order her to eat. “Is this what our, er…relationship will be like? You ordering me around?” she whisperasks him.
UH. YEAH, ANA. THAT’S KIND OF THE POINT.
He tells her that yes, he will be ordering her around a lot, and also that she’ll want him to. He reminds her about doing the BDSM research and asking him anything she has questions about. Ana blurts out, “What happened to the fifteen?”
Lor: Meaning the fifteen other, very special women Christian Grey tied up and beat.
Various things, but it boils down to… Incompatibility.”
Sara: If incompatibility is another word for murder, then yes, probably.
Ana starts daydreaming about the V of Christian Grey (we all know the V, right?), and Christian says that he can tell she’s thinking something sexy because he knows her body after one freaking night together. Douche City, Population: 1.
Lor: Maybe sharing tooth brush and underwear opens up a psychic connection. Maybe.
Sara: Christian drops Ana off at her apartment. Before she leaves, they plan a date for Wednesday night. He kisses her goodnight, and she gets out of the car.
“Oh … by the way, I’m wearing your underwear.” I give him a small smile and pull up the waistband of the boxer briefs I’m wearing so he can see. Christian’s mouth drops open, shocked.
Ana is so proud of her Panties Prank that she wants to jump and punch the air, because apparently she’s in an episode of Saved by the Bell. (Who am I kidding? I think we all wish we were in an episode of Saved by the Bell.)
Were you just wondering where Ana’s inner goddess was? ME TOO.
“My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene, except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face.”
Ana’s Inner Goddess is such a bitch.
Lor: A really serene, salsa dancing bitch.
Sara: Ana’s phone rings, and when she answers, Josecob is there, apologizing for being drunk and grope-raping her. Ana says of course she forgives him, just don’t let it happen again. Well. That was easy.
Ana hangs up with Josecob, and thinks about how sexy Christian Grey is. She gasps. Seriously. She’s just sitting in her living room, thinking about Christian Grey when GASP! Fucking weirdo.
She feels bad for Christian, since he was taken advantage of by his mother’s friend aka Mrs. Robinson. Thinking about Christian has made Ana so horny, she pulls out the contract to find out what exactly she’s in for.
Lor: I bet you money she’s biting her lip.
Next time on Fifty Shades of Grey: EL James figures we may want to read an entire contract, all because she added sexy words to it in Chapter 11.