Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 04: Let’s all just vomit, okay?

Previously: On their way back from having coffee, Ana falls off the sidewalk into the street, somehow, and almost gets run down by a bicycle. Grey grabs her out of the way, and now they stand in each other’s arms, gazing and heavy breathing.
—

Lorraine: Ana and Grey are hugging post Bicycle Gate. Ana’s suddenly convinced that she’s a telepath, as she’s sending some very intense, “KISS ME DAMN IT,” thoughts towards Grey. She would make the first move but:

1.) this is the first time, ever, in 21 years that Ana’s wanted to kiss anyone at all. I’m pretty sure if she went in for the kiss first, well…

2.) Something is wrong with Ana! See, she’s “paralyzed with a strange, unfamiliar need.” She’s like one of those goats that faint when they get scared. Except it’s when her happy parts get happy. BAM. Paralyzed.

3.) She’s also not breathing right now. Seriously, she notices that Grey’s GRAY! eyes are “hooded” and “darkening” and that he’s breathing harder than usual. This is probably because he’s trying to breathe for two, as Ana has now “stopped breathing altogether.” I suppose it would be hard to go in for a kiss when your body is deprived of oxygen.

None of that stops her from sending more Kiss Me Telepathy Grey’s way and I’m assuming it works, because Grey shakes his head at her in answer. He closes his eyes and when he opens them again, they are “steely.” Since I’ve taken to mentioning every time the author says GRAY! I guess it’s only fair if I also mark every use of STEEL. This author is totally the best at subtlety.

Grey does the thing where he’s all, “stay away from me because I’m bad for you,” also known as the thing that causes Lorraine to slam her face into a brick wall. Dude, did you not know you were bad for Ana before coffee? Did Ana somehow get better during that time or did you get worse?

Ana thinks she should be the judge of whether or not she should slum it with the hottie millionaire with control issues.

Since Ana’s been presumably holding her breath this entire time, Grey instructs her to breathe and then lets her go. Ana internally claims to have made it obvious that she wanted to be kissed, but “paralyzed and not breathing” aren’t the universal signs for wanting to be kissed. Doesn’t matter, though, the rejection sets in. Grey doesn’t want Ana.

Ana berates herself for having misread the entire situation. I can’t really comment on this, however, since this situation is utter crap. I’m not sure what the protocol is for coffee, a walk, and face planting into a street. Maybe that calls for a kiss, maybe not.

Anyway, she manages to mumble her thanks to Grey and he wants to know what he’s being thanked for. Ana reminds him about the rogue bicyclist.

“That idiot was riding the wrong way. I’m glad I was here. I shudder to think what could have happened to you.”

“I shudder to think..”  WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?

The answer to that question is of course, “the same people who can make almost getting hit by a bike the dramatic equivalent of getting flattened by a tank.”

Ana is really feeling the rejection of this would-be-kiss, but what would you expect from someone who has no self esteem, nothing to live for, and has never, ever liked anyone else? All her “vague, unarticulated hopes [are] dashed.”

She walks away from Grey towards the hotel and he follows behind. Grey starts to say something and then just peters off. We know he’s troubled because his GRAY! eyes are bleak. Ana snaps at Grey and asks him what he wants. He finally just says “good luck with your exams.” Ana sarcastically says thank you and stalks off. She needs to “take her fragile, wounded pride away and somehow nurse it back to health.”

OH BOO FREAKIN’ HOO ANA.

Oh, wait, no, she’s actually going to cry. She walks into the dark parking garage, sinks to the floor, folds up in a fetal position, and cries. I bet you money she’s an ugly crier.

Ana says her pain is nonsensical, that she’s crying over someone she never had, and I wonder why this doesn’t worry her. She clearly knows that she shouldn’t be mourning this guy, who she’s basically seen a whopping three times, but that doesn’t matter because in order for this story to go forward, Ana has to be the stupidest character of all time.

She claims she’s never been on the receiving end of rejection. Seriously, where has she been living for the last 21 damn years? Oh, wait, she breaks from what is supposed to be this heartbreaking outpouring of emotion to tell us that she was always picked last for sports, because if we hadn’t guessed yet, she’s uncoordinated. Ana, NO! YOU? Uncoordinated?! Thank you for breaking away from the main action to tell us that. Everything makes sense now.

Then, there’s this:

“Romantically, though, I’ve never put myself out there, ever. A lifetime of insecurity – I’m too pale, too skinny, too scruffy, uncoordinated, my long lists of faults goes on. So I have always been the one to rebuff any would-be admirers. There was that guy in my Chemistry class who liked me, but no one has ever sparked my interest – no one except Christian damn Grey.  Maybe I should be kinder to the likes of Paul Clayton or Jose Rodriguez, though I’m sure neither of them has been found sobbing alone in dark places.”

Anastasia “let me reject myself for you” Steele, everyone. Apart from most of that not even making sense, I am overwhelmed by Ana’s serious psychological problems.

The voice in Ana’s head, AKA Medulla Whisper is now Medulla Metaphorically Screaming. Thank God the author clarifies that it’s metaphorical screaming, because we wouldn’t want to think Ana is crazy or anything, amIright? Anyways, Medulla is yelling for Ana to stop crying, get over him and go home and study.

When Ana gets home, Kate is sitting in the dining room on her laptop. Kate looks at Ana and immediately asks what’s wrong.

“Oh no… not the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition. I shake my head at her in a back-off now Kavanagh way – but I might as well be dealing with a blind, deaf, mute.”

That Katherine Kavanagh and her asking one question- I MEAN- her inquisition. How dare she be concerned for her best friend? Bitch.

Kate notes that Ana’s been crying and wants to know what Grey did to her. Ana blames the crying on almost being hit by the rogue bicyclist. She also says that she won’t be seeing Grey anymore because he’s out of her league. Kate says, “Ana! For heaven’s sake – how many times must I tell you? You’re a total babe,” and all Ana can think is, “oh no. She’s off on this tirade again.”

Yeah man. I hate when my friends go on those, “trying to cheer me up” or “compliment” tirades. Totally sucks.

Changing the subject, Katherine asks Ana to check out the article she wrote on Grey. Ana agrees to, but instead of actually reading her best friend’s work, she just stares at the picture Josecob took of Grey, taking note of his GRAY! gaze. It then becomes clear to her that the problem is that Grey is too good looking for her. I’m not sure why this is coming off as a sudden revelation because we’ve had 2-3 references in each chapter to how inferior Ana feels compared to Grey. Somehow, believing that she got rejected because Grey is too cute to even kiss girls like Ana makes her feel better….

Mmkay.

Ana has more dreams that night of GRAY! eyes and dark places. I’m getting tired of these dark places already.

We cut, suddenly and awkwardly, to the end of Ana’s last exam. She’s thinking about celebrating and says she might even get drunk! In addition to never having kissed anyone, liked anyone, or wanted anyone, she’s also never been drunk.

When Ana and Kate get home, there is a package waiting for Ana. Inside are three first edition copies of Tess of the D’Urbevilles in mint condition. The card has this quote scribbled on it:

Why didn’t you tell me there was
danger? Why didn’t you warn me?
Ladies know what to guard against,
because they read novels that tell them
of these tricks…

I’m going to admit right here and now to knowing nothing about Tess, but a quick overview of the Sparknotes (because Wikipedia was way too convoluted) has informed me that Tess is anything but romantic. I’m pretty sure the driving action of the novel is some dude taking advantage of some girl. The girl is killed at the end of the book for murder, AND ONE CAN ONLY HOPE.

Fine, one of the main themes is the sexual double standard between genders, which would’ve been a good comparison for E.L. James to make, but not in a mother fudgin’ love note. If anyone has more insight on why this has happened, please, let me know.

Ana thinks Grey’s giving her another warning to stay away from him. I always send my threats and warnings with gifts. Grey and I are alike that way. Ana is confused because she hasn’t been pursuing Grey (even if his GRAY! eyes have been haunting her dreams...)  so why would he send a “no, seriously, stay away from me” gift?

Katherine states the obvious, some more, that Grey is both a.) really into her and b.) not right in the head. Ana decides she cannot accept the books. She wants to send them back with an equally obscure quote from another part of the book. Katherine suggests the part where Angel Clare says, “fuck off.”

Ana giggles and says she loves Kate for being loyal and supportive. WHAT? YOU HATE KATE. YOU WERE JUST BEING A BITCH TO HER. God, I hate Ana.

The girls toast with champagne.

We cut, suddenly and awkwardly, to a hectic bar where the girls are celebrating graduation. Even though Josecob is a year below them, he joins the party and purchases the booze. I have some guy friends like that! The ones I only invite when I don’t want to pay for drinks. I’m mostly kidding.

Ms. “I’ve never been drunk before in my life and I weigh approximately 90 pounds if my own internal monologue can be believed” is on her FIFTH margarita. LOL. Oh, and she’s off to get a pitcher of beer. Riiight.

We get clunky exposition that tells us that Kate and Ana are moving to Seattle. We also get Ana complaining some more about how pretty Kate is and how Ana’s a t-shirt and Converse type of girl. So either buy a dress or shut the fuck up, Ana.

Ana makes a pit stop at the bathroom, and while in line, decides to drunk dial Grey. She immediately asks why he sent those books, and Grey is all, “what’s wrong with you?” Ana says she’s drunk, at a bar in Portland, and Grey demands that she tell him where she is exactly. She keeps calling him Christian too, so you know he’s pissed. ONLY HIS MOMMY CALLS HIM CHRISTIAN.

Ana giggles that Grey is soooo domineering, and Grey responds with a “Ana, so help me, where the fuck are you?” It makes Ana laugh because angry men are amusing, yay!

Before she can divulge any location details, she hangs up on Grey.

Ana drinks a little more before deciding that now she is really, really drunk and needs some fresh air. Josecob follows her outside and he claims to be equally drunk, but in less of a “I see two of everything” way and more in an “I’m going to grope you now,” way. Ana keeps saying no, but Josecob ignores that.

Suddenly, Grey appears and he’s all, “the lady said no.” It would be nice that he were standing up for her, if it weren’t for the fact that she didn’t tell you where she was, you creepy ass stalker. And how did you get here in approximately five minutes? Gross.

Ana chooses this moment to start puking up her entire life. Josecob jumps away all, “ewies” but Grey rushes forward and grabs her hair. He’s Christian mother freakin’ Grey, y’all. He laughs in the face of vomit.

So, yes, there is a lot of really aggressive puking. Grey hands Ana a monogrammed handkerchief, and even though she’s just expunged every thing she’s ever eaten, she takes a moment to admire the handkerchief and wonder what his middle name is. Ana’s even boring when she’s drunk.

Jose has been hanging out nearby but they are throwing him death glares so he excuses himself and goes back inside. Ana apologizes and she says it’s mainly for the phone call, but that the puke makes her sorry too. Grey says that everyone’s been there before but that it’s all about knowing your limits.

He asks whether she makes barfing into the flowerbeds outside of bars a habit. Ana SAYS she’s irritated by Grey’s superior tone while he’s scolding her like a child, but what she really means is she’s going to contritely answer his questions. I find the relationship between these too totally unappealing for several reasons, but the fact that it feels like daddy and daughter at some points? Not helping.

Grey offers to take Ana home, but she wants to let Kate know that she’s leaving first. Grey’s all, “I came here with my brother who I know is talking to Kate because even though I haven’t been inside at all, I know everything.”

Ana’s confused and wants to know how he even knew where she was.

“I tracked your cell phone, Anastasia.”

What?

WHAT.

YOU GUYS. So, all Grey knew was that Ana was drunk at a bar with friends, AND THIS GIVES HIM LEAVE TO TRACK HER CELL PHONE? If this book was ever, ever going to get better it just shot itself in the foot. Grey could go out and buy an island for Ana, and stock it with flowers and chocolate and spell out “I love you” in seashells on the beach and I would be all, “yeah, but remember when you tracked her cell phone?”

Holy shit. I can’t even believe it.

Medulla Whisper is all “stalker,” but Ana just counters with “somehow, because it’s him, I don’t mind.”

I think I’ve run out of caps lock. I’m reading this on my Kindle, so I don’t even have the satisfaction of throwing the book around some. This is stupid.

ANYWAY. Ana insists on telling Kate that she’s leaving, so they go inside. Kate is dancing and flirting with Grey’s brother Elliot. Ana gets a little judge-y for a second about Kate just meeting this guy, because I mean, it’s not like Ana would ever be crying in a parking garage over a guy she just met! Nope! Not our Ana.

Kate is dancing, so Grey and Ana wait. Because there’s nothing better than dancing to recover from being puke drunk and barely being able to stand, Grey takes Ana out to the dance floor and they dance for a bit. Of course, Grey is an amazing dancer. Ana is not.

Finally, the pair locate Elliot and Kate, let them know that they are leaving and off they go.

Ana doesn’t get very many steps before she blacks out and the last thing she hears is Christian Grey yelling, “fuck!”

That was either Christian Grey, or me, guys. Because seriously. Fuck.

Next time on Fifty Shades of Grey: Prepare to be disgusted- truly disgusted – in Chapter 5.

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.