Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 09 – I Prefer Strawberry Popsicles, Thanks So Much

Previously:  Ana and Grey totally “did it” and she felt lots of things “down there,” and I ain’t talking about her toes, ifyouknowwhatImean.
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Lorraine: Ana wakes up and apparently having sex makes her skip, like a scratched CD.

“It’s a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Beside me, Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view.”

Ana stares at Grey in his sleep and we get more blah blah blah about how gorgeous he is.

“How could anyone look this good and still be legal?”

Because they were born in the United States. ASK ME ANOTHER.

Ana would like to keep watching him sleep, but she has “bathroom needs.” She accidentally steps into Grey’s closet, which is huge. All the clothes remind her she’s a bad friend, seeing as she promised to text Kate, but never did. Don’t worry though. Ana only actually thinks about Kate for like a second.

She locates the bathroom and it’s bigger than her bedroom. Since we have no clue how big her bedroom is, though, this information is useless to us. But thanks for trying Ana!

Ana studies herself in the mirror, thinking about her sore muscles and studying her face long enough to let her subconscious wake up. Yay! Medulla Whisper is here everyone! And bitch woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

“She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.

ARE YOU CRAZY? She’s shouting at me.”

In case we didn’t get the CAPS LOCK, James clarifies that Medulla is in fact shouting. I’m telling you that I will never, ever get over this whole subconscious thing. Just imagine if your friend was talking to you one day and they said, “yeah, man. My subconscious is pursing her lips and tapping her foot at me.”

I can’t say for sure, but I think I’d punch them. Out of love.

Ana’s disrespectful hair has made a come back. She decides that “just-fucked hair” doesn’t suit her, and goes off on yet another hunt for hair ties (AKA scrunchies. Gina totally called me out on the last post for calling it a scrunchie. I call all hair ties scrunchies, okay, because it is just an awesome word.) On the way, she checks her phone. Kate sent three text messages, so Ana calls and leaves a voice mail. In the message she assure Kate that she has not “succumbed to Bluebeard.”

Ana finishes that and finds two hair ties. She decides to put her hair in pig tails. Her reasoning?

“The more girly I look perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard.”

IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

I’m at the point where I don’t know if things are really, really bothering me because I’m looking for them or if this is seriously as messed up as I think it is. But that was weird right? I mean, firstly, this 21-year-old’s-reaction to having sex for the first time is “I should look younger.” Also, there need to be less references to children in this erotic novel, thanks. Also, also? I’m pretty sure Bluebeard murdered his wives.

So, I mean, maybe I am starting to read way too much into everything, but also, what the hell?

ANYHOW. Ana gets her iPod out dances around Grey’s kitchen while she makes breakfast. She thinks about everything that’s happened, about how even though Grey laid out some “I don’t sleep with people or make love” rules, she managed to do both those things with him. Her subconscious screams at her some more, but she ignores her completely. Sweetie, that’s probably why your inner voice has to yell at you all the time.

Of course, Grey has been watching her dance around like a doof this whole time. Ana’s a little embarrassed that Grey saw her dancing and her subconscious “doubles over in laughter.” Dude, no, fuck this. This isn’t your subconscious. Why the hell would your subconscious laugh at you? Why would you point and laugh at yourself? Seriously, is this weird for anyone else?!

Ana keeps cooking and Grey slides over to her and pulls her pigtail. “I love these,” he creepers. “They won’t protect you.”

Ew.

We get a ton of flirting over bacon and eggs. Like, Ana asks how he wants his eggs and he says, “thoroughly whisked and beaten.” Which is about as sexy as if he’d said, “sunny side up,” or “scrambled with cheese.”

Ana sits and winces and Grey asks just how sore she is. Ana hates people who show any concern for her and is also 12, apparently, because she considers this a very personal question. Homegirl, he was just all up in your vagina. I’m not sure “are you sore” is any more personal than him making you scream like a pirate.

Anyway, Grey was asking because he was wondering if they should continue her “basic training.” Aw, he’s going to call it that again and I’d like to think it’s just in case we forgot he was a total asshole. Thanks for the reminder, dear.

The possibility of more sex makes Ana stop breathing. Grey orders her to eat and to stop biting her lip because it’s distracting. I would think that Ana turning purple from lack of air would be more distracting, but I don’t have a thing for lip biting. Different strokes, y’know?

Ana asks what sort of training they’ll do today and Grey says that since she’s sore, they will stick to oral skills.

“I choke on my tea, and I stare at him, eyes wide and gaping.”

Might want to start that oral training with “how not to choke.”

Ana tries to recover her equilibrium. She should probably get her equilibrium checked out for real, you guys. I don’t think it’s supposed to fall out of whack so often. She tells Grey that she’d like to stay for the day, but that she wants to be home by that night. Grey concedes, because he’s banged her twice so that decision is now up to him.

They are eating, which  means we get the obligatory, “eat all your food” conversation. Grey demands she eat. Ana says she isn’t hungry. Grey’s mouth forms a “hard line.” Ana tries to eat. Grey demands she eats it all. Lorraine starts crying and wondering why she decided reading this book would be a good idea. Same ‘ole, same ‘ole.

While Grey cleans up their breakfast plates, Kate calls Ana. They dance around the “did you do it?” question and Ana just says that they will talk later before unceremoniously hanging up on her best friend, whom she clearly hates.

Ana asks if the NDA she signed and didn’t bother to read covers everything, because she’d like to ask Kate some sex questions, just about some of the mechanics. Grey says that if she has any questions about sex, she should ask him. Ana doesn’t really want his crazy-ass take on sex, and this entire thing just makes me even angrier. I CAN’T KEEP GETTING ANGRIER. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT REAL.

But, it’s just that Ana should NOT be in this situation. Everything that comes out of her mouth makes her seem less and less like a consenting adult. It’s all so creepy and manipulative and gross. And creepy.

With Grey all in her grill insisting that she ask him any questions, Ana whisper-says that she doesn’t have any questions at the moment. Grey asks, then, how last night was for her. She murmurs that it was good and he murmurs that it was good for him too.

Grey says he’s never had “vanilla sex,” and I’m all, “uh, really? Like 27 years later, really? Mmkay.”

So, they go take a bath together. A naked Grey makes Ana’s subconscious swoon and pass out. Et tu, subconscious?

Grey helps Ana into the tub and then tells her, again again again again, to stop biting her lip. “You chewing it makes me want to fuck you, and you’re sore, okay?”

Ana gasps. I know you guys were getting worried, thinking she might not gasp in this chapter, but here it is. You can sleep tonight.

Grey soaps Ana up, making her all hot and bothered but he stops before Ana gets any satisfaction, saying he has other plans for them. He turns Ana around to face him and he’s holding his erection out like “ta-da!”

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

Oh, Lord. I’m seriously, straight up calling out to God right now, because he needs to just bless me with strength, though I don’t know if giving strength to people trying to make it through Fifty Shades of Grey is up high on his to-do list.

What was I saying? OH. YEAH.

“On first name terms?” – Why must E.L. mess up every saying she uses?

“Favorite and most cherished?” – You are being more romantic towards your own penis than you are toward the naked chick in front of you. I have problems with this.

“I’m very attached to this.” – AHAHAHAHA. I SURE HOPE SO, though having a removable one might help with upkeep?

Ana’s all, “okay well if I have to get to know this thing, I should probably touch it,” and she does. She gives it a few whacks before she’s all, “HEY! I have this awesome, amazing idea no woman has probably ever thought of!” and she puts it in her mouth. I’m not sure if we’re supposed to get this whole “Ana is just discovering a blow job” vibe from the scene, but that’s how it plays.

There’s all kinds of gross going on here and not in a “virginity blood” kind of way, but in a “I hate these characters and I really don’t want to read about her deep throating him” kind of way. Also, she calls him her “very own Christian Grey flavored Popsicle” and I want to die.

Oh, wait, wait. Hey inner goddess! Whatcha doing over there?

“My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”

 

She finishes the blow job thankfully and they get out of the bath. Grey kisses Ana and fervently whispers at her that she should say yes to his proposed arrangement. A fervent whisper? Must’ve been a really good bj.

Grey takes Ana into the bedroom and asks her to trust him. He ties Ana up with a GRAY! tie and then fingers her pigtails. “You look so young in these,” he creepy-murmurs. This book needs to stop right, right now with that shit.

Grey announces that he’s going to kiss her all over and this goes on forever because every time Ana moves her hands, he starts over. A few sentences in, I’m the one yelling, “Ana, you better not move damn it!” Oh my God, I’m a Dom.

LOL. Just kidding.

Finally, she stays still enough that Grey gets to his destination and Ana is all, “he’s going to kiss me down there.” This book just doesn’t know if it wants to be a prude or not. It is really sure about making Ana scream like a pirate, though, because she “aaargh”s again.

Earlier, when Grey was concerned about Ana being too sore for more sex, what he really meant was “who cares,” because he takes this opportunity to have some more sex. They both orgasm and Ana decides at that moment that she would do anything for this man, which I’m guessing includes entering a shaddy BDSM arrangement that she is completely ill equipped to handle.

They lay there as Grey promises to show her things she’s never seen before, which isn’t a big promise seeing as how yesterday, she was a virgin. But whatevs, it doesn’t matter because they are interrupted by voices in the hall. It’s Grey’s mom. And because he’s an almost 30 year old man who is in his own home he’s all, “SHIT! IT’S MY MOTHER.”

Quick change the channel and hide the chocolate!

 

Whisper Count – 12
Murmur Count – 10

 

Next time on Fifty Shades of Grey: Grey admits to being raped, though he doesn’t call it rape in Chapter 10.