Buffy the Vampire Slayer S01 E02 – Or why you should carry an Exacto knife.

Previously: Buffy moves to Sunnydale and it’s the vampire place to be, like Starbucks for hipsters or Wal-mart for people who live in small towns.
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The Harvest

K: So apparently the huge, ugly vampire dude (whose name is Luke) has really terrible aim when it comes to necks. Or he was trying to bite her boobs? Either way, he ends up with a mouthful of the enormous crucifix necklace that Angel presented Buffy with in the last episode.

Lor: I thought he ended up burning his hand? Either way, it’s awesome because essentially, he was going for the carotid and the boob grabbing was just for… leverage? He deserves to be burned.

PERV.

K: It’s creepy, whatever he was doing. The crucifix grab/bite leads to him writhing in pain, which gives her the opportunity to run away. She catches up with the vampires who are dragging Xander and Willow off, and does the Slayer thing. But Jesse has vanished.

Lor: In addition to the Buffy Brawn, I’m convinced that the Buffy Break is also one of her super powers. What is the Buffy Break you, who have seen more than 2 episodes unlike me, ask? Why, it’s the ability to fashion amazingly pointy stakes from any surrounding objects. Tree? Chair? BREAK. Ta-da! If this whole Slayer thing fails, she should take up carpentry.

K: The next day (because apparently they were all so unconcerned about Jesse that they went home for a good night’s sleep), (Lor: Whatever! They can’t find him with, uh, bags under their eyes…) Giles gives Xander and Willow an overview of demon history. Understandably, they freak out. Xander goes so far as to say “We’re having a talk. With vampires in it.” Apparently it’s state the obvious day at Sunnydale High.

Lor: In celebration of this day, I’d like to state that I believe Xander’s shirt has green, floating mushrooms on it. Just, in a pattern.

I’m not going to comment on that. I was just stating the obvious.

K: I have a tendency to get caught up in how gross Willow’s clothes are. But the Xan-Man isn’t a whole lot better…

Meanwhile, Darla has dragged Jesse off to the Master’s lair, which is basically a church that’s in the sewers, thanks to an earthquake. What up, San Andreas fault?!

All the vamps lisp over their fangs, which is kind of hilarious. Luke tells the Master that there’s a Slayer in town. He’s a wee bit cranky pants about it, because there’s some big vampire party thing called the Harvest, and nothing can interfere with it. He decides to upgrade Jesse from dinner to bait.

Lor: The lisping is the best thing ever. Darla has a field day with the line “his blood is pure.” At first I was all “mythical vampire language?” and then I realized no. “Fake plastic teeth.” Got it.

Lisping vampires you guys. Lisping. Vampires.

K: Back in the Wiggens Library, Buffy realises that Luke came from behind her (TWSS), and concludes that the vampires are using the electrical tunnels under the town. Willow, sporting some truly stunning full length overalls, is all “Oh, hey. I’m kind of sort of a hacker. Let me see if I can find some schematics online.”

Buffy heads off towards the cemetery, while Xander and Willow stay behind to help Giles with research.

When she gets there, she finds the doors to the tunnels chained and locked. SUPER SNEAKY, VAMPIRES. Why not just put a giant sign on it that says “secret entrance” with a big arrow?

Lor: Dude, what’s a good hideout without “KEEP OUT” and “SLAYERS NOT WELCOMED” signs? These vamps don’t know anything.

K: They clearly didn’t buy the Wile. E. Coyote book of Villainy for Dummies. Angel appears from the shadows, and FINALLY introduces himself. So I guess that’s the end of the spoilers in which we call him Angel when he’s technically the mysterious shadowy dude who wears ugly crushed velvet jackets.

They trade some snarky comments, and he advises her not to go down there. (Lor: That’s what no guy has ever said.) She says that she has a friend down there, and asks if he knows what it’s like to have a friend. He gets all mopey and sad panda, and she says “That wasn’t supposed to be a stumper…”

Lor: Can’t imagine that hiding out creepily in the dark and randomly giving out silver crucifixes hasn’t filled up Angel’s social calendar. Weird.

K: Down in the tunnels, Buffy hears footsteps and thinks she’s about to be attacked. But it’s just Xander, ignoring instructions and following her into danger.

Lor: Also, it got him out of chemistry class. As a former pre-pharmacy student, fighting vampires > chemistry class rings absolutely true to me. Pass the holy water.

K: Random segue: There are people online who are cranky about the fact that Xander says it gets him out of chem. Because apparently in 1997, JUNIORS took chem and sophomores took biology. Dear those people: GET LIVES. Love, Kirsti.

Buffy gives Xander a spiel about all the ways to kill vampires – sunlight, holy water, stake to the heart, fire, beheading with a little, little Exacto knife. The usual.

Over in the computer labs, Willow is researching creepy occurrences in Sunnydale rather than doing her work. GURL. Creepy occurrences in Sunnydale? You’ll be there until you graduate.

Cordelia and Harmony, on the other hand, are doing their work: coding a computer program. There are no words to describe how glad I am that MY high school computer classes consisted of using MS Office. After bitching about Buffy, Cordy asks Harmony how they go about saving the program they’ve coded. In an epic piece of nerd revenge, Willow tells her “Deliver”, and then leaves the room.

MWAHAHAHAHA. Karma’s a bitch, Cordy. You better get used to it.

Back in the tunnels, Buffy and Xander come across Jesse chained to a wall. He’s revealed to be a vampire.

Lor: It’s a good thing they didn’t skip sleep for him!

K: Truth. Buffy and Xander run, and escape through a grate in the ceiling. But just as they hit daylight, a vampire grabs Buffy’s foot. Xander starts pulling her up, dragging the vamp’s hand into the sunlight. I’m pretty sure he also cops a feel. I mean, come on. He’s a teenage boy.

Down in his churchy lair, the Master yells at his minions. They then have a little ceremony, in which the Master names Luke ‘the vessel’ by drawing a weird-ass symbol on his forehead.

Lor: I’m pretty sure I once doodled something like that symbol in one of those chem classes I was attending instead of fighting vampires. The Meh-ster must be bored.

K: Wouldn’t you be after 60 years in the sewers?

Every person that Luke eats will bring the Master one step closer to freedom. I really love how all vampire rituals make it SUPER obvious which one Buffy needs to kill to make the whole thing collapse in a heap. Well done, vampires. Well done.

Lor: I’ll also +1 the well done because this vampire ritual is unintentionally hilarious. Especially if you are really immature, kind of like me. “My body is your instrument,” indeed, Luke. Indeed.

K: Buffy and Xander tell Willow that Jesse’s worse than dead. Xander says, “I don’t like vampires. I’m going to take a stand and say they’re not good.” Especially the ones that sparkle, Xander. Trust me.

Giles appears with the cheerful news that the Harvest means the end of the world. First of many, y’all. The gang ponder where in Sunnydale the vampires would go to find a whole bunch of victims. Xander, being helpful for pretty much the first time, is all “Uh, THE BRONZE?” They agree to meet at the Bronze later, and Buffy goes off to get some supplies from home.

DRAMATIC SHOT OF THE SUN GOING DOWN. Either it takes Buffy FOREVER to get home from school, or her room is such a mess that she has no idea where she left her stakes and holy water. Her mum comes in and announces that she’s grounded, so obviously Buffy waits until she’s gone and then climbs out the window.

Lor: Aw, a parent worthy of Childhood Trauma. “You’re grounded! Now I’m going to leave the frame and completely ignore you! BYE!”

K: I mean, obviously. Joyce paying attention to her kid would get in the way of the plot. Over at the Bronze, Jesse is having an Edward Cullen moment in the corner, before dragging Cordy onto the dance floor. When she protests, he orders her to shut it, so he’s apparently now channeling Christian Grey.

Lor: I also love what being a vampire has done for his hair. Apparently vampires have the in when it comes to hair gel.

K: Which is funny, because in the first half of the pilot, vamps were stuck in the yester. So strictly speaking, he should have Elvis hair.

The rest of the vampires arrive at the Bronze, and Luke starts eating people, and the Master yells “MOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!” Meanwhile, Jesse’s moved onto channeling Bill Compton, and is all “Cordy is MAHN.” Darla’s all “Nuh UH, they’re all for the Master,” and drags Cordy up on stage. She screams briefly, before it’s Buffy to the rescue.

There’s some fighting stuff, and then the rest of the Scoobies finally break down the back door and start ushering people out. Xander gets grabbed by a vampire. Buffy notices, and hurls a cymbal across the room, decapitating the vamp. Add “cymbals” to the list of ways to kill vampires from earlier.

Luke grabs Buffy, and Darla attacks Giles. Luke is all “Yo, Master. With this Slayer, I thee free,”and Buffy reverse headbutts him in the face. High five, B. Willow throws a jar of holy water in Darla’s face, who runs off screaming, and pouring steam like a container of dry ice. Meanwhile, Xander has saved Cordy from Jesse, who seems to have run out of douchebags to channel and is instead talking about how he was a sad tragic loser as a human. Xander pulls a stake, and Jesse’s all “Dude. You don’t have the balls.” Conveniently, a girl fleeing from the scene shoves Jesse onto the stake, and he goes poof, saving Xander the decision.

Lor: It’s a good thing these vampires talk a ton. Luke was totally blathering between each kill, giving Buffy plenty of time to appear. Jesse had his whole “you could never” speech, instead of, I don’t know, swatting the stake away.

These vampires are kind of dumb.

K: Case in point coming up! Buffy tells Luke he forgot about sunrise, and hurls something through the window. He writhes in the light, before she puns “It’s in about nine hours, moron,” and stakes him. The Master stays trapped and is all “Noooooooooooooooooo!” Buffy gives the remaining vamps a death stare, and they abandon ship.

At school the next day, Cordy is telling a girl that there were gangs doped up on PCP at the Bronze the previous night. The Scoobies are all “Whaaaaat???”, and Giles tells them that people like to rationalize stuff. Personally, I think someone’s doing an Obliviate spell on the people of Sunnydale on an almost daily basis. Or maybe just whipping out the flashy thing from Men in Black. Either way, people are forgetful, yo.

Lor: Convenient.

K: Giles gets all excited over the possibility of what they might face next. I heave a sigh of relief, because the break from vampires will allow them all time to learn how to talk around their fangs without lisping. Buffy says she’s going to try and get kicked out of school again, and the gang wander off, coming up with things she could do to make her dreams come true. Giles rolls his eyes, and states “The earth is doomed.”

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Cheerleading witches say hey! Or read all about them in S01 E03 – Witch.

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.

K (all posts)

I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.