Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 17 – What’s A Pap Smear Go For These Days?

Previously: Grey admits that he’s fifty shades of fucked up. Instead of running away, Ana lets Grey spank her and then has a really sore butt.

Lorraine: E.L. James likes to end scenes with falling asleep, because it’s quick and easy and because she learned all her writing skillz from the second grade. If the last page of this book says “it was all a dream,” I QUIT LIFE.

We start chapter 17 with -shock- Ana waking up. She was dreaming of a candle flame and she’s a moth flying right for the light. She says, “I’m flying too close to the sun,” and even though she doesn’t mention Icarus, that’s like a copy paste from two pages ago.

Ana realizes that she’s dreaming of hot things because Grey is draped across her and his body is making her hot. I know this is really nuanced writing here, but try to keep up.

We’re told that Grey’s body heat is suffocating Ana. If we’ve learned anything from all the times her breathing has failed her, though, it’s that Ana lives not by oxygen alone. I think she actually breathes gray eyes, abusive relationships and hating Katherine Kavanagh. She proves this by taking a moment out from suffocating to be really happy that Grey spent the night in her bed.

Ana tries to sneaky touch Grey but he’s instantly awake because he knows, dude. He knows.

Grey, realizing that he’s all up in Ana’s grill, says that he’s drawn to her even in his sleep. Seeing as how they are sharing a bed, I’m thinking this is not a valid statement. Like, if he ended up in Kate’s bed? BIG DEAL. This? Not so much.

Ana gets all blushy when she notices Grey’s morning wood, but he says they have to wait until Sunday to have sexy times. Ana murmurs that Grey’s hot (meaning body heat) and Grey murmurs that she’s not bad herself. Har, har, har. She flushes, telling us she feels “seven shades of crimson.” Whatever. Get back to me when you have at least 45 shades.

Grey’s late for an 8am meeting so he’s scrambling around. He says he “doesn’t do late” and that this is “another first.” I’d scream, “being late cherry!” to join my previous “helicopter cherry!” and “sleeping with a woman cherry!” but I call bullshit. C’mon Grey. Never late? Never ever? Pfft.

Grey leaves.

Ana dresses for her last day at work, feeling good and forgetting the whole spanking thing because he slept with her and he never sleeps with anyone. Totally worth a little spanking to wake up to some dude suffocating you with his body heat, amIrite ladies?

To kill some time before work, Ana writes the email to Grey about why the spanking thing confused her. The subject of the email is “Assault and Battery: The after-effect.”

Hold on. Really? Give me a moment:



In the email, Ana explains that she “felt demeaned, debased and abused.” And that to her “mortification” she was also aroused. “All things sexual are new to me- I only wish I was more experienced and therefore more prepared.” Ana, girl, you could’ve previously slept with 3961 men, and all of that would not have prepared you for Christian Grey.

She goes on that what she felt post-spanking was really, really confusing. “I was happy you were happy,” she abuse victims. “I felt relieved that it wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be,” she amnesias, forgetting her sore butt. “And when I was lying in your arms, I felt -sated” meaning she probably drank up all those tears she was boo-fucking-hooing and got really full.

She ends by saying that feeling sated made her feel guilty and uncomfortable and that it doesn’t sit well with her.

Grey replies with an email subject-ed “Free Your Mind.” It makes me want to free his body of, you know, life.

He compares Ana to Tess Durbeyfield again, because we’re still going with that metaphor and ignoring that homegirl goes all murder-y at the end of that book. Grey asks if she truly is feeling these things or if she thinks she should be feeling these things. Not that it matters because either way, his advice is to “embrace” these feelings because that’s what a submissive would do. Just hug the abuse Ana. Hug it.

Grey goes on to say that he likes her inexperience because it means she is his in every way. (This makes Ana’s breath hitch. I wish I could remember the commenter who pointed this out to me, because now I notice her “breath hitching” EVERY TIME.) He says he’s not happy, that beating her has actually made him ecstatic. Grey writes not to waste her feelings on guilt because they are consenting adults and what they do is totally up to them. She needs to “free her mind” and “listen to her body.”

Ana writes back. New subject: Consenting Adults!


Ana says that if she listened to her body, she’d be in Alaska by now.

Grey replies and clarifies for her, because she’s 21 and this should be a total thing she has to be hand held through, that she is an adult and has choices.

He negates this very statement by saying that clearly her body is stupid.

“Alaska is very cold and no place to run. I would find you.
I can track your cell phone – remember?

GUYS. I wish I could forward this fictional email to everyone who ever bought this book, just as a gentle reminder.

HE IS NOT JOKING. He is not joking because he CAN track her cell phone and HE HAS tracked her cell phone. So, the jist of the Kool-aid Grey is selling is “you have choices but if they don’t include me, I WILL FIND YOU.”

(Side note: There are an alarming number of girls dying their hair with Kool-aid on Tumblr. Strange.)

Anyhow, instead of realizing that he just threatened to find her in a mother-fucking igloo if he has to, Ana keeps email-flirting about… therapy? Grey sees a dude named Dr.Flynn and apparently he is the second opinion. Brilliant. The rest of this book will clearly just be a marathon of seeing how many more ways James can make us uncomfortable. Therapy banter? Check

Ana finally goes to work. She acknowledges to herself that she wants Grey but not his baggage. Well, honey, I want to eat a box of zebra cakes everyday and not be obese. I want to not go to work but be rich. I want to write a book but not really have to write it. But I’m also an adult so I understand that sometimes we want things that aren’t realistic.

While at work Ana gets another package and this time it’s a BlackBerry from Grey. A gift from Grey, but Ana receives it like a bomb. Her heart sinks and she is not happy at all.

I’d yell at her for having the worst reactions to gifts, ever but this is Grey’s explanation for why he sent the phone:

“I need to be able to contact you at all times and since this is your most honest form of communication, I figured you need a BlackBerry.”

He probably wants to make tracking her cell phone way less complicated too. I mean, she did threaten him with Alaska. This isn’t actually a gift to Ana, it’s a gift Grey gave to himself. “Here self! Stalk your girlfriend with ease. Why self, you shouldn’t have.”

Ana emails him a few times but then decides to put the phone away and ignore it.

At four, Mr. and Mrs. Clayton gather all the other employees in the shop, and during a hair-curlingly embarrassing speech, present me with a check for three hundred dollars.

In that moment, three weeks of – exams, graduation, intense, fucked up billionaires, deflowering, hard & soft limits, playrooms with no consoles, helicopter rides – and the fact that I will move tomorrow, all well up inside me. Amazingly, I hold myself together. My subconscious is in awe. I hug the Claytons hard. They have been kind and generous employers, and I will miss them.

Well, damn.


2.) So, her hottie billionaire boyfriend gives her a phone and her heart sinks. Her employers giver her a check and she’s overwhelmed with warm fuzzies. Because even Ana secretly knows that Grey’s “gifts” are messed the hell up. Not that it’ll matter at all, I just wanted you to notice what a shit show this all is.

3.) I write some crazy things, and I’ll admit to murder-y and subject-ed in this post alone. But “hair-curlingly?” Dear Lord.

After work, Ana goes home and finishes packing with Kate. Taylor the Bodyguard shows up to pick up Ana’s old Beetle and to also inform us, in case that whole stalking Ana all the way to Alaska thing made us iffy, that Grey is a good man. WHATEVER TAYLOR. I thought I liked you.

That night, Josecob (‘member him? You ‘member.) comes over with Chinese take-out and beer and they all celebrate meeting this chapter’s alcohol quota. Oh, and graduating and stuff. Ana informs us that the “attempted kiss” aka when Josecob tried to take advantage of a drunk Ana, is forgotten, “swept under the run my inner goddess is lying on, eating grapes and tapping her fingers, waiting not so patiently for Sunday.” One can only hope Inner Goddess is lying flat, chokes on a grape and dies.


Someone knocks on the door and Ana’s all, GREY?! But no, it’s his brother Elliot. Ana takes 0.01 second to get judgy when Elliot HUGS Kate.

“I’m appalled at their lack of modesty.”

I’m appalled at Ana standing on a soap box right now. I know she’s standing too, because her ass, the one she let a man spank? Is probably still too sore for much siting.

Jose and Ana are really uncomfortable with the PDA so they high-tail it out of the apartment and down to the bar. Ana appreciates how uncomplicated Josecob is, which just goes to show you that Ana’s perception of men, just as a whole, is royally fucked.

Josecob reminds Ana about his artsy show and she promises to be there.

Ana gets home late at night and hears rather than sees Kate and Elliot. She runs into her room and checks her email. Of course there is one from Grey wondering where the hell she is. Ana’s all OH CRAP MY PHONE, because she forget about the thing entirely, very unlike 99.9% of college students I’ve ever met. She has five missed calls and a voice mail.

“I think you need to learn to manage my expectations. I am not a patient man. If you say you are going to contact me when you finish work, then you should have the decency to do so. Otherwise, I worry, and it’s not an emotion I’m familiar with, and I don’t tolerate it very well. Call me.”

Only E.L. James could make worrying about someone else a selfish thing. I’m worried about you (aw) AND I DON’T LIKE IT ONE BIT (uh..?)

Ana feels suffocated, again, but this time by Grey’s weird overbearing tendencies. She’s worried he wants to “beat seven shades of shit” out of her. EWWWW. That sentence did not do what you intended, James!! EW. Also: STOP WITH THE SHADES WE GET IT.

She calls him, but he answers softly, so Ana forgets that whole overbearing thing and goes straight for swoon-y. She did not pass Go or collect $200.

Ana murmurs her hi and assures him that she’s fine. He asks if she had a nice time, and Ana explains she was packing and eating with *coughJosecobcough* Grey let’s a long silence do his talking.

Ana whisper-says that she wishes he were there with her. He murmurs at her a bland “do you?” Holy mackerel, Ana thinks. I just think it’s funny that she just said “holy mackerel.”

Grey confirms that they’ll see each other on Sunday. Ana murmurs her RSVP. He says goodnight and Ana says “goodnight, Sir” which makes him all happy in the pants. It’s like that one time Grey called Ana Ana instead of Anastasia and she was so happy she agreed to be his punching bag.

We pick up again after Kate and Ana are moved into their new place. Elliot’s setting up their TV.

“Kate and I flop on to the couch giggling, impressed by his prowess with a power drill.”

Uh, power drill prowess? For real? Like he’s mastered the power drill? Mmkay.

Ana extends her hate of all things Kate to now include all things Elliot. She hates on their hugs, on their banter, on the their touching. She admits it’s ’cause she’s jealous. Elliot must only be like 32 shades of fucked up. Some girls get all the luck.

Someone buzzes their apartment and Ana’s all GREY? but no, it’s another delivery. This time it’s a bottle of champagne (booze for the future!) attached to a helicopter shaped balloon and a note signed “Christian Grey.”

Kate thinks he’s creepy. I mean, she doesn’t say that, but she does wonder why he can’t just sign “from Christian” and at least try to hide his weird murder-y vibe. Ana then gloats about Grey having flown her in his helicopter.

Ana wakes up the next day to her subconscious nagging her to unpack but her inner goddess is busy hopping (?) in anticipation.

Grey sends Ana ANOTHER EMAIL OMG. This time it’s gate codes and parking instructions and elevator codes because we need all the details, ever.

That night at his apartment, Grey shows Ana a picture in the newsaper, the one of the two of them at her graduation ceremony. For some reason this reminds Grey that he hasn’t mentioned food in like, ten whole pages so he asks if she’s eaten, and because Ana survives only on the voices of her subconscious and inner goddess, oh and on alcohol, she has not in fact eaten.

He asks if she’s hungry and Ana whispers “not for food.” See! Told you!

Oh, wait. She means sex. But, she can’t do the sexy times thing until she sees the doctor, whom Grey calls the best Ob/GYN in Seattle. She’s listed that way in the phone book.

Grey invites Ana to dinner that night with his family and says Elliot is inviting Kate too. He adds that it’ll be odd to introduce her to his family seeing has he’s never brought a girl home before. Bringing a girl home cherry!

Some time during that exchange Grey rolled his eyes and Ana asks why he’s allowed to do it and she’s not. Instead of yelling, “do we really need to go over this whole dom/sub thing AGAIN?!” Grey says he didn’t even realize that he was eye rolling. Ana snaps that she usually isn’t aware that she is either. Well, someone’s butt is a little sore.

One guess what my reaction to an entire conversation dedicated to eye rolling was.


Dr. Best in Seattle is here, now, though, interrupting our rousing eye roll dissertation.

Ana’s worried Grey is going to come watch her vaginal exam and he laughs and says that even though HE WOULD PAY GOOD MONEY TO WATCH, the doctor probably wouldn’t approve.


He pulls Ana down onto the couch and kisses her and whispers that he can’t wait to see her naked. I’m really glad we didn’t actually get sex in this chapter, though, because I’m still getting over the fact that Grey would pay to watch Ana’s pap smear.


Murmur Count – 5
Whisper Count -5


Chapter 18


Favorite comment last post: “Reading this in the company of my in-laws made me more uncomfortable than being spanked by a grown ass man with mommy issues. ” –BelleRenee


Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.

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  • Melbourne on my Mind

    For some creepy reason, watching a pap smear really doesn’t seem that bad in comparison to a lot of the other shit he’s pulled so far… **shudder* Also? WHY ARE PEOPLE READING THIS????? He’s the creepiest creeper that ever creeped. There are literally no redeeming features to him.

    Also also? I think Ana’s bipolar, because she goes from judgey “how dare they hug??” bitch to giggling on the couch with Kate about how manly Elliot is in the blink of an eye. And I’m pretty sure an unmedicated mental illness is the only way to explain three quarters of what happens in this book.

    Also also also? Do people actually USE the subject lines of emails any more? God knows I don’t.

    • He’s the creepiest creeper that ever creeped -> I second that!!

    • K WHAT ARE YOU SAYING. I mean, if you want to start comparing things we could be here all day. But he just JOKED about PAYING to watch a pap smear. LIKE A MOVIE. LIKE HE’D PROBABLY BRING POPCORN AND AN ICEE. That’s weird, yo.

      It’s funny to play the “is Ana crazy or is EL James THAT bad at writing” game. Most of the time, I think EL James is just that bad at writing. Like she didn’t even realize that she was trying to make Ana seem jealous, but she actually made Ana seem to hate her best friend, sort of deal.

      I might use the subject line, but I find it hilarious that they change the subject EVERY TIME THEY REPLY. I mean, not only does no one do that BUT IT WOULD DRIVE ME INSANE. Each email would be a separate entity instead of in a thread. GROSS.

      • I think this fact, coupled with the whole Ana-Didn’t-Have-Email-in-2012 thing just proves that the author is, in fact, a very old and out of touch person.

        Is there a joke way of saying that? Because I couldn’t think of one.

      • As soon as Kirsti mentioned it, I was like “… No, she doesn’t use the subject line… And I think most of my email subjects are comprised of “ALKJDLKJSDF !!!!!” and other annoying things.”

        Also, I would kill anyone who ever changed subjects on me in an email thread. DON’T DO THAT; I WANT IT ALL TOGETHER.

        • I’m pretty sure changing the subject like EVERY TIME is worthy of a murder punch. The jury would be all, “wait, wait, wait. He changed it EVERY email?!” and then consider you totally not guilty.

          Unless EL James was on the jury then, you’d probably be screwed.

          • Then that’s going to be the juror that suffers the most pressure by the other jurors, because I’m sure they’d punch EL James in the face until she agreed. Figuratively speaking, of course!

          • Melbourne on my Mind

            Seriously, you guys. I hate the subject line SO MUCH. Like, it’s a lot of pressure to come up with a SINGLE idea to tie together all the random crap that I tend to dump into emails. Much safer just to leave it blank. And changing it with every email??? The very idea of having to come up with a new subject line every time makes my skin prickle.

      • Melbourne on my Mind

        He probably got her an account with AOL. He seems to be the kind of asshat who’d do that.

  • Krystal

    I don’t know where to even begin with this comment because this chapter alone was fifty shades of fucked up. I think women need to ask themselves “Would I still find this book romantic and sexy if Christian Grey was described as average looking?” I think that would be an interesting poll.

    • I think the follow-up question should be, “if Christian were an adonis janitor who wanted to spank you, would that be okay?”

      I gonna guess like 95% of women answering no.

  • Ok, so I suppose reading your summaries is WAY better than the actual thing because where else do I get a sentence like this? ‘Ana lets Grey spank her and then has a really sore butt’ The recap hasn’t even started but you made me laugh anyway. But it went downhill from there, not because of you’re writing but due to the story of the chapter.
    Christian Grey is like EWWWWWWW but you know that already. I really don’t understand how ANYONE could be attracted to this but then again, I haven’t read most of the previous chapter’s summaries so I’m a bit out of touch with the whole storyline. I guess though, it doesn’t matter where you start reading, it’s always creepy.

    • The previously’s are amazing to write. I take great joy in stripping the story down as much as possible and making it sound as insane as possible.

      Don’t worry girl. You could read all the chapters or all the summaries and you still wouldn’t get why anyone would be attracted to this.

      I’d like to think that one and all can enjoy these recaps, no matter where they start. Wishful thinking. πŸ˜‰

      • Oh, I enjoy the recaps immensely but the story just creeps me out.

  • Nana

    I just have to comment something that is unrelated to this chapter but just came to my mind. After Ana and Grey do it for the first time, Ana wakes up and starts dancing while cooking – with her iPod on. Please tell me how a girl who didn’t own a computer and didn’t even have an e-mail account can have an iPod… with music. Anyway, I’m rambling… but this is just another item to add to the “Did E.L. James ever read back what she wrote?” list.

  • I actually have colored my hair with Kool Aid. I was thirteen… it was the nineties. I dunno… I thought black cherry koolaid would look cool against the blonde, and would go well with my flannel shirt, ripped overalls and doc martens.


    And what does “Hair curlingly” even mean? And how does it apply to embarrasment? Is the embarrassment very humid?

    • Yes, but did your hair taste delicious?

      LOLOL. God, I hate when I’m so ashamed my hair frizzes. Embarrassing.

      • Sady, I don’t know. I never thought to taste it. It stained the my bathroom rug and sent my mother into raging fits, if that helps. And then it didn’t wash out for four months. Most girls’ washed out after a couple weeks. Oops.

        • I’m not gonna lie. I kind of want to put Kool-aid in my hair now because this story is amazing.

          • Melbourne on my Mind

            For serious. Gina, that is the BEST. STORY. EVER.

    • Danielle

      I’ve done this too! Actually just last summer. Mine never came out; I had to get it cut out. My two friends and I thought it would be a great idea until we needed to get professional-like summer jobs, boy did that backfire. We drank the rest of the non-sweetened Kool Aid, died a bit, and bonded over drinking each other’s hair follicles. All-in-all, a pretty damn good experience.

      • That story was about 100000 times better than anything I’ve read in FSoG. Congrats.

  • I really sort of lost it at “power drill prowess.” If there’s one thing I want my man to have, it’s the ability to hit a power button on an electric tool and watch it do the work while he goes “Wait, I need to stop now before I kill this bookshelf!”

    Also, you know, a stalker boyfriend who would pay to watch a pap smear. Those are wonderful.

    • RIGHT? For a moment I thought, “okay am I being extra picky or is power drill prowess and incredibly dumb thing to say.” Clearly I decided it was an incredibly dumb thing to say. IT’S A POWER TOOL. YOU PRESS A MOTHER EFFIN BUTTON. HOMYGOD.

      Most men wouldn’t even accompany you to the doctor and wait in the waiting area. You gots to get you one that would pay to watch. Clearly that is what we are all missing in life.

      • The only time I ever want my significant other to attend an appointment at the OB/GYN with me is for something BABY-RELATED. Like ultrasound! Or you know, SOMETHING HE SHOULD BE INCLUDED IN. Looking into my vagina using the weird duck-like thing? No, get out. Find somewhere else to be, but GET OUT.

        Lor, I’m going to push this button on my screwdriver. Are you attracted?

        • I don’t want to offend anyone who finds medical procedures to be sexy, but my main point is that I don’t think that’s what EL intended with the statement. She’s clueless. She didn’t see why saying something like ‘I would pay to watch your doctor’s appointment’ might be freakin’ creepy. Ew.


        • “Weird duck-like thing” – that really made me laugh out loud so much. I agree – my husband is not allowed within 50 feet of any medical appointment involving my vagina. If you ever ever want to have sex again letting your guy see you like that is guaranteed a lifetime of nunnery.

    • Stephanie Gertsch

      This line made me really want the chapter to turn into a porno where Kate, Elliot, and Ana have a three way. Then the delivery person (not picky about gender here) turns up and it becomes a four way.

  • I’m pretty sure Christian Grey would probably have killed me by this point in the book because I roll my eyes. All the time. And not very subtle-y most of the time.

    Also…I’m rethinking the fact that my blog is called Shades of Shayes. However, I would like to state for the record, that I renamed my blog to Shades of Shayes on November 4, 2011. Granted, Fifty Shades of Grey was published on June 20, 2011, but I didn’t hear about it until long after my blog title was changed. Also…I feel like my shades are not quite so f-ed up as Ana or Christian. But I’m still reconsidering my blog title now… ((sigh))

    • I’m not a big eye roller but I think I would be in the presence of Christian Grey.

      And when you tweeted me about this I felt so bad! I mean, I know I didn’t write FSoG but I feel bad by association? Because I was making fun of shades? but just so we’re clear your shades are the best shades that ever shaded.


    • You should of eye-rolled instead of sighed…perhaps while murmuring this whole thing πŸ˜›

  • Thanks for writing these. It’s hilarious! I’ve read some extracts of the actual book online and while part of me wants to read it actually take in quite how bad it is I can’t be bothered to waste my time on such utter crap. So I get to read all the best bits and laugh at ELJ at the same time!
    I actually think Ana is a schizo…

    • I’m convinced that Ana has a legit disorder. Narrowing it down to which one is tricky though.

      And thank YOU for reading. It makes my life to get comments like these. Reading the book is almost not that bad when I know people are enjoying the recaps.


  • Sarah

    All I know is if some guy told me he would spank me the next time I rolled my eyes at him I would do the worlds biggest eye roll in the history of eye rolls just so he would come at me so I could kick him in the sac and maybe then stomp on his eyes permanently blinding him. Cause THATS the proper response.

    • Absolutely, friend. The situation just screams for violence NOT for nonchalant acceptance and inner goddess dancing. We’re on the same page.

  • WitlessExposition

    I just want to thank you so much for reading these so I don’t have to. The little bit I knew was enough to to let me know that I’d hate them. But then every woman I know that’s ready them luuuuuuuuvs them (including some very intelligent women I know), and it had me thinking for just a split second about borrowing them. Thank you for saving me from that!

    And also, how unbearably creepy and frightening is this guy?

    • If you just take one second to pause and think about what you’re reading, it’s all downhill from there. Just one second of pause and you start to see how everything is WRONG in this book. People who tell me that they love it? I just want to ask them if they did any thinking while reading. And I’m sorry, but it’s true.

      This guy is the creepiest. Seriously. Nightmare-inducing-levels of creepy.

      I’ve missed your face! Do you and Bear have a little baby now?!

      • WitlessExposition

        What bothers me even more is that several of the women who are really pushing the book were in controlling, abusive relationships at one time. I mean really? Are you that un-self-aware? (I don’t think that’s a term, but this topic fries my brain).

        I missed your face, too! We have a little cub, seven months old now! It’s SOOOO crazy to think of us as parents, lol!

        I’m trying to work myself up to jumping back into the whole blogging thing…we’ll see how it goes. πŸ™‚

        • I cannot accept that anyone who’s been in an abusive relationship would sanction this. It’s Abuse 101. Ana has battered woman syndrome like woah. Textbook.

          Congratulations on the baby! This is going to sound creepier than I intend but Bear liked Snark Squad on facebook and so I saw a picture of the cub and she is precious. You did good!

  • Sage

    *sigh* Once again, I need to facepalm. I feel just spending a half hour on Wikipedia gives me a better view into the world of S&M then this book. Besides that, Grey doesn’t seem to know WHAT he wants. One minute it’s ‘oh I want you as a submissive’ then the next is ‘I want to introduce my girlfriend to my family!’. Uuuh, okay? I really forget that Anatasia Steele is suppose to be in College. I’m not sure if I should put her in High School, or Junior High? Man this book needs to hand out red flags like lollipops.

    Also, just out of curiosity, how do you feel about 50 Shades being made into a movie?

    • You are absolutely right. Grey has no idea what he wants and we’re supposed to get the impression that it’s all because he likes Ana so much! And she’s changing him! And romance, romance, romance! But. The characters suck so much and the writing is so terrible that who gives a shit? Ana has the emotional maturity of a middle schooler I would say. All, LOL PENIS and that sort of thing.

      Oh Lord, the movie. I don’t see how it’s going to be anything that a strong divergence from the source material. There isn’t a ton going on in this book beyond the sexy times. I mean, what can we say of the plot 17 chapters later? Um, they read the contract a bunch? She cries? Like, not a ton. So, I’m imagining that they are going to take the bones of this novel, Grey, Ana, BDSM-light and reconstruct something for film. The thing about film adaptations is that it could change everything. I have a feeling, for isntance, that Grey isn’t going to whisper every 10 seconds in the movie. I don’t think Ana is going to flush crimson every 20. I don’t think Ana is going to hate Katherine. The absence of those things will help.

      But. I hate these characters so passionately. It’s likely Grey will still track her cell phone and Ana will still use his toothbrush and steal his underwear. Meaning this has the chance of being the worst movie of all time.

      It will make about one hundred millionties of dollars, though, because people are either indiscriminate or curious. I think it’s stupid and I hate this entire freakin’ franchise. But. If I were EL James and my crap writing made me super rich? Fuck yeah I’d sell the movie rights.

      So, that.

      • Sage

        Personally, I think Grey would be a more interesting point of view out of the two. But change is SLOW and in this stupid book, it’s like more like a split personality. One minute he acts like a NORMAL person, then next he’s all FDK:FLHDJKFHDSREWREUIYIF CONTROL!!! He feels like the draft of a character…a draft of MANY to come. I’d say he had potential..sorta. Okay not really, it’s an obvious fanfiction. I’m surprised Stephanie Meyers hasn’t sued. The only thing I can say in defense of Anatasia, is that at least unlike Bella, she’s not stringing Jose along like Bella did Jacob. However, Jose and Katie are the most interesting characters yet they’re hardly there.
        After reading your snarkingness, I actually grabbed a notebook, a pencil and Fifty Shades of Grey, and I started counting the whispers and murmurs. There’s A LOT more murmuring then whispering, and there’s a lot of muttering if it isn’t the first two. I’d say in the movie they should just stain the actress’s cheeks red, and we’ll be set. It’s not like she really stops blushing at any point.
        As for the BDSM…OH MY GOD, REALLY?! THIS BOOK! UGH! I’ve researched BDSM extensively prior to this book coming out. It looks like she just took the stereotype of BDSM and plopped it in there. I mean, BDSM are NOT for something strangers do. You need trust. A lot of trust. Grey isn’t someone to be trusted. HE EVEN SAYS SO! ANATASIA FUCKING GREY YOU ARE SO STUPID! On top of that she hasn’t had sex. *throws hands up in exasperation* WHAT?! WHY ARE YOU EVEN THINKING OF DOING BDSM IF YOU’RE A VIRGIN?! At least know what you’re getting into! As for that ‘cross thing’ that Grey obviously doesn’t know because the author was WAY too lazy to do actual research, is called a Saint Andrew’s Cross. I mean, this Grey seems so ‘knowledgeable’ but it seems like he saw a website, and said he that was a dom. Now let’s get something clear. He’s OBVIOUSLY not a Dominant. Dominants take care of their Submissive. That’s their job! Grey just ditches Anastasia constantly! I mean, assuming I could make myself that naive I’d be scared! Whips and chains do not excite when you’re not sure what’s going on.
        As for the toothbrush thing…I just…what was the point in that? I mean I get you want to clean your teeth, but use some mouthwash! I would have bashed her face into the elevator wall if she’d said that to me.
        ALSO I read the sparknotes on Tess of the d’urbervilles. *facepalm* OKAY did Anastasia forget Tess gets RAPED?! And then her husband ABANDONS her for a YEAR?! Then gets manipulated to marry the man who took advantage of her?! THEN SHE MURDERS SOMEONE AND GETS EXECUTED……………………………………………………………..WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO HER?! And then Anastasia compares herself to Eve in the Garden of Eden. Am I the only one thinking Anastasia needs some better role models?

        Soo…sorry for the long rant, but this book is like ERGH!

  • WHY??????? Why are people reading this book? WHY is this abuse acceptable? Why are such horrible characters being worshiped?!! Ugh.

    It’s like that one time Grey called Ana Ana instead of Anastasia and she was so happy she agreed to be his punching bag.” <—-Epic!

    • Every chapter the answer to the “whys” gets further and further away. It gets worse, my friend.

      Thanks. πŸ˜‰

  • Emily

    I don’t know what E.L. James was thinking while writing this book?! “Hmmm okay, let’s pare a psycho, crazy, violent, dominant, abusing, stalking, ass-spanking, fifty shades of fucked up dude with a 21-year old virgin who clearly have some very big issues with her schizo tendencies (inner godess and subconscious I’m looking at you!!!) and oh btw lives under a rock (no phone, computer or e-mail?! Well hello there miss Neanderthal!). Then I am going to make every character an alkoholic and THERE! BAM! My great book that every woman on earth will love and worship is born!”

    Btw I don’t get the whole thing with Ana’s subconscious? Well subconscious means unaware of, and clearly Ana(l) is REALLY conscious about her subconscious!!

    • Emily

      Woops pare is only a word in swedish, meant bring together! πŸ˜‰

      • well “pair” is English for what you meant πŸ™‚ it reads the same way

        • Emily

          Haha thank you πŸ˜‰

    • I think EL James was as shocked by this success as anyone. Her real thought process was probably. TWILIGH ROCKZ LOL. LEMME WRITES ABOUT IT WITH MY FAN FIC SKILLZ. And little did she know that people would turn off their brains when they started reading this book and it would make her incredibly wealthy. Little did she know.

      Ana calling it her “subconscious” is supposed to distract us from the fact that she’s basically crazy.

      • So true!!!! hahahahaha πŸ˜€ Poor thing. She really does posses little above fan fic skills. Sigh…

    • madd

      I think she actually means her ‘conscience’ but again, EL doesn’t own a dictionary, so…

  • I will add pap smears to the list of warped ass things EL James finds arousing or exciting to write about: Sharing tooth gunk, elevators, fucking vs paperwork, virgin vagAna blood, books about murdering babies and shit, jeans on your hips or anything for that matter, buying gifts to subjugate people, alcohol from tea cups, stalking, force-feeding, zip ties, duct tape, girls in hardware stores, helicopter rides with strangers, statutory rapists you still hang out with, and men using power tools…I wonder if she’s used a power drill on her vag or her head and that’s why she’s all fucked up and wrote this book…

    • Your running list made me incredibly happy.


  • DaniDenatti

    She did NOT write the phrase “seven shades of shit.” Lor, you totally made that up. PLEASE tell me you made that up…

    Also, I think giggling over a man’s “power tool prowess” is totally acceptable … if you’re a FUCKING MORON. Which clearly Ana is.

    • LOL. I DIDN’T. She totally wrote that all by herself! It’s published!

      Isn’t that terrible?

      • Cinder Allie

        Seven shades of shit is an English term. Ever watched Green Street Hooligans? Pete says it. Something like, “Mate, I’da smashed seven shades of shit out of ‘im.” I think it’s part of her whole awkward insert-English-idioms-into-the-dialogue-of-characters-from-the-Pacific-Northwest schtick.

  • LOL!! Thank you for writing this! It needs to be heard!! hehe :))

    Also, please tell me that any woman with common sense would RUN from Grey…please? No? Wait…they RUN to the bookstore because they can’t get enough of it… get out…

  • kellyasummers

    Oh my gosh. I’ve spent the better part of my day reading every single chapter overview. Genius. You are so funny!! I absolutely can’t wait to read the rest.

    • Thank you! I’m glad you are enjoying them and I hope you keep visiting us. We like visitors ’round her. πŸ™‚

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  • Clare

    The best leaving gift from a job I got was a desk tidy and a gift card. not $300!

    • I got a box of zebra cakes once. I’m not complaining though because I love zebra cakes.

  • maddle paddle

    Having read Tess of the D the references in FSoG really don’t sit well with me. Firstly, it’s about a woman who gets raped in the woods by some guy who is desperately trying to seducer her even though she keeps saying ‘no.’ then she has his baby, it dies, and she finally finds a great guy to marry. On her wedding night she tells this ‘great’ husband about the rape in her youth. He then kicks her out and says that he can never look at her again because she’s a tramp! Then her rapist comes back and forces her to marry him. Then she murders him when it all gets too much. It’s one of the most depressing books in the world.

    • And yet. Somehow, EL James thought, “this is the literary reference I want tied to my romantic/erotic novel.” My only hope is that Ana ends up murdering Grey in the last book and then she goes off to her own death. I know it won’t happen, BUT WOULDN’T IT BE AMAZING?

  • My best friend and I have picked up using the phrase “As long as the champagne is chilled…” since Ana and Kate’s reaction to Grey maaaaagically knowing her address was literally “Oh well, at least the champagne is chilled.”

    • AWESOME. There are so many great little quotables in this sad excuse for a book.

  • Lefemmenikita

    “She can’t do the sexy times thing until she sees the doctor, whom Grey calls the best Ob/GYN in Seattle”.

    Reading this book must have really done a number on my brain, because I misread and misinterpreted this sentence.

    I read this as, “Grey calls his personal Ob/GYN the best in Seattle”..

    • Megan Jones

      That was bugging me also. In an earlier recap he did say he would have his doctor come to the house the following weekend, because she doesn’t have one, and he knows best of course, that she needs woman pills and probably smelling salts. So, apparently he has ah, a vagina doctor. And not only does she not have a computer on which to google local services but also lacks the ability to read a phonebook or call directory assistance. Or maybe just never once needed a doctor, ever in the past.
      Yep seems legit.

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  • whiteraven13

    I’m going back through and re-reading these and I just noticed something. Grey says he’d pay to watch Ana’s Ob/Gyn appointment, but didn’t he have “medical scenes” listed as a hard limit for him?