Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 18 – Safe and Suicide-y

Previously: Ana and Grey send each other a ton of emails all about how Ana doesn’t like to be spanked and how Grey will track her down wherever she goes. Even an igloo. Ana goes over to Grey’s house but before the sexy times commence, she has an appointment with the gyno.

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Lorraine: It should come as no shock to you that Dr. Best in Seattle is tall, blonde and beautiful. Ana calls her “an identikit model- another Stepford blonde” even though she’s done nothing besides be blonde, well-dressed, a doctor, and here to see her on a Sunday house call. So really, what we get here is that Ana hates blondes. Poor, poor Ana with her brown hair. How hard knock.

Dr. Best in Seattle, whose real name is Dr. Greene (whose other real name is Dr. Nobody Cares) greets Grey and Ana.

“We shake hands, and I know she’s one of those women who doesn’t tolerate fools gladly. Like Kate. I like her immediately.“

I’m sorry to list you guys so early but:

1.) You just called her a Stepford blonde. You clearly don’t know what it is to like anyone or anything, Ana.

2.) So, okay, wait. Is she saying the doctor doesn’t tolerate fools, like her friend Kate is a fool? Or is she saying that like Kate, this doctor doesn’t tolerate fools? Because I guess we’re supposed to believe that Kate is that no-nonsense type of person, but at this point, I more believe that Ana would call Kate a fool. Anyways, crappy writing:

3.) No fools? Ana better RUN.

But Ana never runs when she should, so onward we go.

The doctor tells Ana that Grey is “paying [her] a small fortune” to be there and asks what Ana needs. I find it hard to believe Grey didn’t spell out exactly what was needed but it doesn’t matter because we cut, suddenly and awkwardly, to the end of the examination. I will admit that it would’ve been more awkward to have to read about the examination.

They go back downstairs and Grey’s listening to “a breathtaking aria,” reading and looking serene.

“Are you done?” he asks as if he’s genuinely interested.”

What a weird this to say. Besides the fact that all of this was Grey’s idea, and that Ana probably would’ve lived to the age of 100 without ever seeing a doctor herself, when was the last time Grey was uninterested? No, Ana, Grey doesn’t care what you eat, wear, how long you sleep, how much you work out, who you talk to, where you interview, where you drink, how much you drink, how many total orgasms you’ve had your entire life, what you’re thinking or what you drive. He’s the prototype for the uninterested male party.

Idiot.

“Yes, Mr. Grey. Look after her; she’s a beautiful, bright young woman.” Christian is taken aback – as am I. What an inappropriate thing for a doctor to say.“

Both Grey and Ana are shocked by this statement and frankly, I am too. While Ana and Dr. Best were together, we only cut away from the action presumably during the vaginal examination. Either they were having some very intellectual conversation mid-smear or Ana has one intelligent looking vagina.

The doctor leaves, escorted out by Taylor the Bodyguard, and Grey asks again how it was. Ana says that it was fine but that she has to abstain from all sexual activity for a month. Grey is shocked but Ana has no poker face and starts grinning. “Gotcha!” she says.

“He narrows his eyes, and I immediately stop laughing. In fact, he looks rather foreboding. Oh shit. My subconscious quails in the corner as all the blood drains from my face, and I imagine him putting me across his knee again.

“Gotcha” he says and smirks.

CHRISTIAN GREY SHOULD STOP TRYING TO BE FUNNY. He cannot joke this way just like he cannot joke about tracing her cell phone. Creepy fuck.

Grey murmurs at Ana that she’s incorrigible. They kiss but he whiplash-murmurs at her that he’d love to continue kissing, but that she should eat so she won’t pass out on him later. “Is that all you want me for – my body,” Ana whisper-asks. No, stupid, he wants you for you idiocy, inability to make decisions on your own and high tolerance for abuse. ASK ME ANOTHER.

So, the food scene, because E.L. James knew when she was writing that we would love these. Grey and Ana murmur a little about the aria he was listening to as he gets out a salad for Ana. She creepy watches him as he moves about the kitchen and then admits that she was admiring how graceful he is. Grey murmurs his thanks and pulls out the wine because yes. All the wine all the time.

He goes on to ask what method of BC she’ll be using and she tells him about the pill. He’s concerned and asks if she’ll remember to take it at the same time every day.

“Jeez… of course I will. How does he know? I blush at the thought, probably from one or more of the fifteen.”

Is she saying of course I will and then asking how he knows that she will? OR is she wondering how he knows she’ll have trouble remembering? OR is she asking how he knew she had to take it at the same time every day? GAH. Stupid, stupid writing.

Ana murmur-says that she’s sure Grey will remind her.

Here’s an EL Trope Special:

“To my surprise, I’m famished, and for the first time since I’m with him, I finish my meal before he does. The wine is crisp, clean, and fruity.
“Eager as ever, Miss Steele?” he smiles down at my empty plate.
I look at him from beneath my lashes.
“Yes,” I whisper.
His breath hitches.

In case you guys ever, ever thought I was joking, let’s take inventory of those five lines: food, alcohol, the phrase “eager as ever,” looking from beneath her lashes which still doesn’t make any fucking sense, a whisper and breath hitching.

FIVE LINES GUYS.

Grey pulls Ana off her seat and asks her if she wants to do “this.” She says she hasn’t signed the contract and today, Grey’s in a “fuck the paperwork” mood and says he’s a rule breaker. Except, you know, every single time he isn’t.

“Are you going to hit me?”
“Yes, but it won’t be to hurt you. I don’t want to punish you right now. If you’d caught me yesterday evening, well, that would have been a different story.”
Holy cow. He wants to hurt me...how do I deal with this? I can’t hide the horror on my face.

Someone seriously, seriously tell me how EIGHTEEN CHAPTERS LATER this is still news for her. I’ve seen people make the argument that this is erotica so that it’s meant to be light on plot. Um, okay. Whatever. I could forgive a flimsy plot. I know you don’t believe that, but seriously, I could. It’s this idiotic repetition that gets me. You want a meager plot? Go for it. BUT DO NOT DRAG THIS CRAP ACROSS ALMOST 400 PAGES AND THEN ALSO MAKE IT A TRILOGY.

Eighteen. Chapters. Later: She’s surprised he wants to hurt her. I’m so angry.

Grey explains that he usually does the whole pain thing with people who like to receive pain. “You don’t,” Grey says and I’M SAYING. THAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH THIS ENTIRE GOD-FORSAKEN, MOTHER FUCKING, HOLY CRAP I’M ANGRY, SERIES.

Ana whisper-asks if he’s reached any conclusions about this whole “Ana doesn’t want to be in a BDSM relationship” thing and Grey’s like “no. I’m going to tie you up and fuck you senseless.”

I’m going to start crying in about one second.

The Inner Goddess is twirling around like a ballerina as Grey leads Ana to the “Red Room of Pain.”

Grey says that when she enters the Red Room, she must do whatever he says. He orders her to take off her shoes and then narrates himself taking off her clothes.

“Now I’m going to peel you out of this dress. Something I’ve wanted to do for a few days, if I recall. I want you to be comfortable with your body, Anastasia. You have a beautiful body, and I like to look at it. It is a joy to behold. In fact, I could gaze at you all day, and I want you unembarrassed and unashamed of your nakedness. Do you understand?”

1.) If this were me (which it would never be but use your imagination) I’d be all “take the damn dress off already, my God!” That’s a lot of narration.

2.) “It is a joy to behold.” LOL. Guys, who says that. Please let me know what your reaction would be if some person were all “it is a joy to behold” the next time he saw you naked.

3.) Sara (fellow Snark Squad-er) and I play this game where we try to find some of those really creepy pictures people post on Facebook. Like this:

Every. Second. Of Your Life.

Can’t imagine why “I could gaze at you all day” would remind me of this, hmm.

Grey undresses Ana and she’s biting her lip and Restless Lip Syndrome never takes a break. Please consider donating to your local chapter of RLS or just send all the money to me. I’ll take care of it.

Then, he sniffs her, whisper-says she smells divine and lays down the rules: a braid is to be work in the Red Room (he whispers), sound must be kept to a minimum (no moaning? Uh…), only panties can be worn, and when he summons her, she must enter and kneel by the door.

He leaves for a second- or apparently long enough to change his jeans. I guess he needed his woman hitting jeans.

Grey commands Ana to stand and says he’s going to chain her up. He asks for her right hand and when she offers it, he swats her palm with a riding crop Ana didn’t even notice he was holding because his woman hitting jeans are really impressive. Also: he has no shirt on.

Ana confirms that the riding crop didn’t hurt much, so onward they go. Grey assures her it won’t hurt and then shows her that it’s a brown plaited leather riding crop, just like in her wet dream! Romantical.

“We aim to please,” Grey murmurs and then he proceeds to chain her up to some sort of grid that runs across the room. Ana compares the grid to a subway map, but I think it might help to understand it if you imagined Ana was a human shower curtain.

Meanwhile, le’ shower curtain is thinking a ton about how this is the most scary and exciting thing she’s ever done. She thinks one more time about how he’s “fifty shades of fucked up” (ah! more shades!) but instead of running away she thinks, “Kate and Elliot, they know I’m here.”

…in case someone needs to reach you?

…in case they want to catch a late movie?

OH I KNOW. IN CASE HE MURDERS YOU, THEY CAN FIND THE BODY LATER.

How very responsible of you to at least make sure someone would find your dead body.

As Grey cuffs Ana, she’s close enough to smell him: body wash and Christian. In case you were wonder what Christian smells like… he still smells like Christian! Weeeeeeeee.

Grey slowly relieves Ana of her panties, scrunches them up and them sniffs them. “Holy fuck,” Ana thinks. “Did he just do that?” Can’t say I’m surprised. Mr. Cable Ties and Duct Tape would sniff panties, wouldn’t he?

So, he starts hitting her with the riding crop and whisper-telling her to be quiet even though he just hit her with a riding crop. It’s like the circle of life, but with a lot more stupid.

After leather cropping her clitoris three times, Ana comes and she’s “mewling and whimpering” and I’m “vomiting and ralphing.” Grey shower curtains Ana to a wooden cross on the other side of the room and starts having sex with her. He thrusts it in a few times before Ana feels like she’s about to orgasm again and she thinks, “Jeez, no…not again…” which is a really cool reaction to have to an impending orgasm.

No matter how yucky it was to Ana, her orgasm arrives and soon after the sex is over. Grey releases Ana and they both sink down on the floor and cuddle. Ana is really tired but Grey announces he isn’t done with her yet.

Not finished with me yet. Holy Moses. There’s no way I can do any more. I am utterly spent and fighting an overwhelming desire to sleep. I’m leaning against his chest, my eyes are closed, and he’s wrapped around me – arms and legs – and I feel… safe, and oh so comfortable. Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?

You feel comfortable so you quote a line from Shakespeare about SUICIDE?! Dammit, guys. She’s supposed to be an English major!!!

While she’s feeling safe and suicide-y, she nuzzles Christians chest, and whoops, she forgot he’s fucked up. No touching allowed. She does notice that Grey has small round scars on his chest. Grey tenses up and commands her to kneel in the no-no corner, or whatever.

Ana falls a sleep for a second there and she tells us about a thousand more times that she’s really, really sleepy and couldn’t have sex again, but Grey don’t care. He breaks out the cable ties from way back in chapter 2 and Ana is all, “ooooooh. I see why he bought them now.”

Grey ties Ana’s wrists, bends her over the bed and very graciously offers to fuck her from behind really, really quickly, since she’s tired and all. He says a few gross narration things through this, about her sweet ass and fine skin, and it’s time for another orgasm.

“Oh no… and for the first time, I fear my orgasm…”

Uh, except for that other first time when you were all ON NOES about it a few pages ago? What’s going on here?

Anyways, scary, scary orgasm, and Ana blacks out.

When she comes to, she’s lying on top of Grey and they are both on the floor. Grey cuts off Ana’s cable ties saying, “I now declare this Ana open,” which she finds hi-larious. They talk (well, I say talk but they really mumble, mutter and grumble…!) about how Ana doesn’t giggle a whole ton. Told you Grey wasn’t a funny guy.

Grey pulls on his jeans and then gets a robe for Ana.

“He patiently dresses me as if I’m a small child.”

Pedo-alert.

He takes her to her room and commands Ana to sleep and thankfully she’s asleep before this chapter goes on.

Murmur Count – 8
Whisper Count – 9

Chapter 19

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.