Buffy the Vampire Slayer S01 E08 – The Internet is creepy.

Previously: We finally learn why Angel broods all the freakin’ time, Buffy’s mom “falls on a barbecue fork” and Darla is staked in a rather anti-climatic fashion. All in a day’s work!
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I Robot… You Jane

Kirsti: First off, I have to say that I hate this episode. It’s just DUMB.

We start in Italy in 1418 with a big, ugly ass demon asking people if they love him and then killing them. Uh, whut. (L: Clearly, the right answer is no.)

Apparently his name is Moloch. A bunch of creepy monks trap him in a book, because that’s a thing that you can do when you’re a creepy monk. The monks put the book into a box, and pray that it’s never read again.

Lor: Dude, for the record, this is why it’s hard work trying to like Buffy so far. BECAUSE THERE ARE NO RULES. NOTHING MAKES SENSE. I mean, besides staking = vampire death, everything else is all willy nilly. Why were creepy monks just able to shut a big demon in a book? LOL. BECAUSE.

(I know, I know. It gets better.)

K: Remember when I said this is my least favourite episode ever? Yeah…

Back in the present day, the book is a new arrival at the library, where there’s some kind of working bee going on. Giles says he’ll inspect the book, and that then a kid named Dave can skin it. “Scan it,” pipes up the new addition to the group – the computer science teacher, Ms Calendar. She and Giles have some “we loathe each other, so when we hook up, it’ll be hot (but gross, because we’re oooooooooold)” chemistry going on.

Some creepy kid named Fritz (really???) gives a very intense speech about how if you don’t use computers you may as well not exist. A name like Fritz + intense speeches about things you very strongly believe in + looking down on everyone who doesn’t believe in what you believe in = uuuuuh, are you secretly a Nazi??? O.o

Lor: Actually, I know some bloggers who would also fit that description.

K: Good (if slightly terrifying) point.

Giles has a “Noooooo, don’t want to join the twentieth century!” mope fest, before Ms Calendar tells the kids they can head off. Willow says she’s going to hang back and finish the last few books. Giles says “I’m going to clean up a little, I’ll be back in the Middle Ages.” Ms Calendar puns “Did you ever leave?” WORD, GURL.

Meanwhile, Willow is working on the demon book with a (I swear, it’s actually called this) Scan-o-matique. I have many problems with this, including the fact that IT’S NOT WIDE ENOUGH TO SCAN THE ENTIRE PAGE. This is probably librarian-in-training Kirsti speaking, but WTF? No one wants the middle two-thirds of the page and not the edges. (L: Non-librarian Lorraine agrees.) ANYWAY. As she scans, the words disappear from the page, and as she turns to pack the book away, the words “Where am I?” appear on the computer screen. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN.

At school the next week, Willow’s all schmoopy. Because she has a new boy person named Malcolm. Buffy’s all “Ooh, what’s he look like?” and Willow goes “I don’t know,” because she met him online. Buffy gets the face that people get when I tell them that I have friends who I only know through the internet:

Close enough.

Willow gets another message from Malcolm, and thinks he’s sweet. Buffy thinks he’s a creeper. The computer is apparently listening and tells Creepy Fritz to watch her.

Lor: WAIT. Digest this: The demon possessed computer is watching Buffy and Willow. It then sends a message to Creepy Fitz.

…

Carry on.

K: All of which is made funnier by the fact that this was 1997, so the demon would have had to wait a hundred years for anything to download.

Later, Xander points out to Buffy that “Malcolm” could be anyone, including an elderly Dutch woman or a circus freak. Lol. Willow gets all “I THOUGHT YOU’D BE HAPPY FOR ME, WAAAAAAH!!!” Ugh. So she’s one of THOSE girls…

Buffy goes to Dave (aka Ash from Supernatural minus the mullet and the hick accent. AWESOME.) for help with tracking where an email came from. Dave tells her that it’s none of her business and to leave Willow alone. Buffy’s all “Are you Malcolm? ZOMG.” I also feel the need to mention that Buffy’s outfit deserves one HELL of a #hosuspension.

That thing is VELOUR.

Lor: When I got to his point in the episode I wrote a big fat: I HOPE KIRSTI MENTIONS THE VELOUR FETUS SKIRT IN HER RECAP note. You did not disappoint, dear friend.

K: How could I leave out a velour mini-dress with knee-high boots?!

After school, she puts on dark glasses and a velvet (!) trench coat and follows Dave to a warehouse on the other side of town. Her glasses are kind of cute. Her trench coat is not. The security cameras watch her, and Fritz starts talking to the computer (literally, talking), which tells him to kill her.

The next day, Xander says that the warehouse was a computer development company that closed down the previous year. Buffy says that something is going on because “my Spidey sense is tingling.” Giles is all “Your what??  and she goes “Pop culture reference. Sorry…” Hahaha, oh Giles. So behind the times.

Buffy resolves to break in that night, and find out what’s going on. Xander says he’ll back her up. Ms Calendar comes in to check on the database she set up for Giles, and is all “Seriously? You kids are STILL here?” Buffy makes a not very convincing argument that they just LOVE studying, while Xander says – and I quote – “To read makes our speaking English good.” Oh, Xander. You get all the best lines. Meanwhile, Willow’s talking out loud to the computer. Uh, GURL. Step away for a while, ‘kay?

Back in the library, Ms Calendar and Giles squabble, until she points out that the Moloch book has nothing but blank pages in it. Giles is all “OH NO!!!!” and hides it not very well. Fritz tries to kill Buffy, but Dave warns her at the last minute. Dave tells the computer he can’t do it any more, so the computer writes a suicide note for him, and has Fritz hang him from the ceiling. Uhhhhhh. The internet is dangerous, y’all.

Lor: Yeah we should all log off right now.

LOL. JAYKAY. I’ll take my demon-possessed-computer chances, thanks!

K: Seriously. The wifi died at uni last week, and we were all like “WHERE DID IT GO I NEED IT BRING IT BACK I’M GOING TO CRY”. So yeah. Demon-possessed-computer = still my grown-up security blanket.

ANYWAY. Giles, Xander and Buffy realise that the demon’s in the computer and therefore everywhere, thanks to the internet. Buffy tries to delete the files, and Moloch appears on screen, telling her to leave Willow alone. Buffy persuades Giles to ask Ms Calendar for help, while she and Xander track down Willow. Willow, meanwhile, gets kidnapped by Fritz and dragged off to the warehouse.

Giles is shocked to find that Ms Calendar is all “Oh, I was wondering when you were going to ask for help with that demon in the internet situation.” Turns out she’s a techno pagan, whatever the hell that might be. Buffy rings Giles from a pay phone (HAHAHA) to say that they’re at the warehouse and to hurry with the plan to trap the demon. Meanwhile, Willow wakes up at the warehouse to be confronted by a robot demon.

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Lor: Really gives new life to internet creepers.

K: If you thought internet dating was a bad idea before, add in the possibility that it could be a demonic robot on the other end. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Moloch kills Fritz for shits and giggles. Good riddance, sez I. Willow’s all “Waaaaaaah, you lied to me!!!!” Poor Willow. She pines for a guy who doesn’t know she exists, and then her first proper boyfriend is a psycho robot. Awwwwkward.

Buffy and Xander end up trapped in an air lock, which starts filling with gas. Y’all should start carrying sonic screwdrivers – they come in handy for opening doors. Unless those doors are made of wood… Giles and Ms Calendar start the ritual to trap the demon, and the robot demon starts having a meltdown. The computer shorts out, and the demon is bound. But not to the book – to his robot form. (L: Er… Whoops!) Buffy and Xander get out of the airlock, grab Willow, and are on the run when the robot attacks them. There’s a fight, and Buffy ducks so that it punches an electrical panel and explodes. No more demon.

Lor: I’d like to mention that Xander finally punches someone! …and then the robot demon comes around and punches him so really, all is right with the world.

K: At school the next day, Giles and Ms Calendar flirt fight some more, and he says that he doesn’t like computers because they don’t smell. I kind of get it, but it’s still weird. The trio discuss going to the Bronze, but Willow’s still mopey. Buffy makes her feel better by the whole Angel thing, and Xander’s all “hey, remember Bug Lady?” They joke that they’re doomed in terms of relationships because of living on the Hellmouth, and laugh before having an “Aww, crap…” awkward turtle moment to finish.

Lor: They were all thinking about the probability of their dying virgins.

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: A demonic puppet, because puppets weren’t creepy enough in S01 E09 – The Puppet Show.

K (all posts)

I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.