Previously: Grey adds to his probable rapist cred by revealing that being told, “No” turns him on. Ana tries to barter sexytimes for information, and manages to get this excellent sentence as her whole reward: “The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.” Good job, Ana.
Chapter 1 . Chapter 2 . Chapter 3 . Chapter 4 . Chapter 5 . Chapter 6 . Chapter 7 . Chapter 8 . Chapter 9 . Chapter 10 . Chapter 11 . Chapter 12 . Chapter 13 . Chapter 14 . Chapter 15 . Chapter 16 . Chapter 17 . Chapter 18 . Chapter 19 . Chapter 20
Sweeney: You know how we sometimes tell you that we obviously love you or the blog to put up with this crap? I can honestly say that it’s only because I love Lor just barely enough that I have now read two whole chapters of this book and agreed to write this post when she asked. For the blog? You guys? I mean, I love you all, but…
Lor: I’ve never been more honored to be loved barely enough. Because on the surface you think, “damn. That’s kind of mean.” And then you remember, “Oh. Reading Fifty Shades.”
So, yes. Love you too Sweenz, despite the fact that I suggested you read this. LOL.
Sweeney: I forgive you and love you anyway. But only barely enough.
Please be patient as I figure out how to regulate my use of capslock, because right now I’m feeling all HULKSMASH and want to write this entire post like this: “ANA IS FUCKING USELESS. HATE THE WORLD. HUMANITY DOOMED.”
Actually, this chapter is probably more “painfully dull” than HULKSMASH. I think we should implement a sliding scale for these things.
Anyway, the chapter opens with Ana in Christian’s bed, sans Christian. She babbles about how beautiful the view is from her castle on a cloud, and talks about how she’s “in a fantasy apartment, having fantasy sex with my fantasy boyfriend.” Unsurprisingly, it only takes three paragraphs for Ana to move into her “Maybe I can change him!” thoughts, complete with a metaphor that doesn’t make any fucking sense.
This is what I need to clarify between us to see if we are still at opposite ends of the see-saw or if we are inching closer together.
In addition to not owning a face, E. L. James did not play in any parks. Maybe that’s why she adds all these creepy pedo-bear undertones?
Lor: But isn’t it just the perfect metaphor for Grey and Ana’s relationship? Sitting in the middle of a fucking SEE-SAW wondering why it isn’t working.
Sweeney: Paragraph three brought us pathetic desperation, so of course paragraph four is an argument between her subconscious and her inner goddess, over her post-coital aches. It’s also worth noting that she is “grateful that a certain twitchy-palmed control freak is not in the room.” You know, just as a reminder from E. L. James that this “relationship” should not be happening.
Ana decides to ignore the squabble of stupidity going on her head and take a shower instead — which is pretty much what I’d like to do too, but we don’t always get what we want.
Ana goes looking for Christian first, though, and stumbles upon a pretty blonde housekeeper, which naturally leads her to wonder (1) why Christian only hires hot blondes (sidebar for Lor, who skipped this book’s shitty predecessor: This whole “Ew, I have ugly BROWN hair! BROWN hair is such a tragic defect!” thing is a carry-over from Twilight. Thanks, Stephenie Meyer!) -and- (2) whether these women are all ex-subs.
Lor: I love how confusing Ana finds everything. A woman is cleaning in your billionaire boyfriend’s kitchen and offers to make you breakfast. WHO COULD SHE BE, ANA. TAKE A GUESS.
Oh, right. Her guess is an ex-sub. Genius child, this one.
Sweeney: Remember, she reads books! Sort of.
Ana finds Christian in his study and we over hear a business call that kind of sounds like what I would have assumed an international businessman would talk about if I were writing this dialogue in the fourth grade.
Lor: Thankfully, we aren’t in the fourth grade, meaning we can read this, point and laugh:
“Unless that company’s P&L improves, I’m not interested Ros. We’re not carrying dead weight… I don’t need anymore lame excuses… Have Marco call me, it’s shit or bust time…”
I OBJECT!
1. Guys… guys… this is quoted dialogue. WHY IS THERE AN AMPERSAND? CHRISTIAN GREY CAN SPEAK SYMBOLS?
2. “shit or bust time.” UH. Um… not really how that saying goes. Not really at all. Because if my only two options are to shit or bust… Really, what’s the difference? But, whatever. Floor the pedal to the metal!
Sweeney: Isn’t it enough to have a vague knowledge that sayings exist? Now you want her to get them right? Next you’ll be asking her to actually construct logical sentences and who knows what comes after that — a plot? No, Lor, you are asking too much.
We learn that Ana will be going to something as Christian’s date after she returns from Georgia (which is news to Ana, as well — he only asks her what day she gets back, not whether she wants to attend, but then I’m getting caught up in the silly details of people who make their own damn decisions). E. L. James also informs us (again) that Christian smells like Christian.
That’s pretty much all it takes and then they’re fucking on the desk. E. L. James makes it a point to mention Christian “producing a foil packet from his pants pocket” before all sexytimes, as if that nod to responsibility somehow makes up for all the rest of the bullshit.
Lor: I like to imagine Grey getting dressed that morning and putting the condom in his pocket all, “never know when Ana might stop by my study!” Boy scout indeed. Also, if I never again hear anything about the vagAna being ready for any occasion, it’ll be too soon.
Sweeney: A lovely thought, but there are still many chapters to go, Lor.
Anyway, after they both get off, we have the whole “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? I’M SO CONFUSED!” conversation for the millionth time. Christian once again gets all creepy possessive, with his obligatory chapter declaration of “You. Are. Mine.” but once Ana says that yes, she does have to go to Georgia, all of the supposed romance of this moment is gone.
He then tells her that he likes her sore because it “Reminds you where I’ve been, and only me.”
Then Christian tells her that Mrs. Jones has already washed her clothes, but of course all of this is expressed in annoyingly stupid language. I’d say that Ana is understandably creeped out by this, but given all of the things that don’t trouble her, this one shouldn’t bother her. She thanks him, and then they have a nonsensical exchange about how she thinks Christian is weird (LOL.) and how he finds her confusing.
Ana scurries off to take her shower all emotionally rattled by that conversation, though I’m genuinely not sure why. I’m also not sure why I’m trying to make sense out of what goes on in Anastasia Steele’s annoying fictional head. As it turns out, she also doesn’t understand what’s going on, and neither do her two crazytown companions.
Lor: I’d just like to mention that even though Mrs. Jones did wash it, Ana is STILL wearing Kate’s plum dress. So while sneakily laundered clothes freak out Ana, I’d like to think that Mrs. Jones just caught a whiff of her and thought, “oh. Honey.”
Also? You heard about the Fifty Shades clothing line, right? Several intrepid readers tweeted me the link. WE can all look forward to lonely soccer moms wearing the same plum dress all the time! Weeeeeeee…!!
Sweeney: Back in the kitchen, Christian yells at Ana about eating breakfast and we’re back to being all SRSBSNS about the dom/sub etiquette rules, I guess, because she has to amend a “Yes,” to “Yes, I do, thank you,” when asked if she has the money for her flight to Georgia. (L: He calls the plane ticket an “air ticket?” WTF?) (I feel like we could do an entirely separate series on the absurdity of the language they use.)
Stupid banter about how Ana’s going to take a real flight and not Christian’s jet and no she won’t tell him which publishing houses she’s interviewing with and also LOLZ MAYBE CHRISTIAN WILL JUST HAVE TO TRACK HER PHONE YOLOLOLOL. Right. It’s sooo hilarious when my creepy boyfriend stalks me.
Then the lolz come to an end when Ana once again asks why she can’t touch him, and he’s all, “I haven’t told anybody that, duh.” And Ana’s all, “OMG SO HE’S NEVER CONFIDED IN ANYONE?” I think it would be best if, barring the sexytimes, we just regard Ana as a thirteen year old girl, because that’s her approximate maturity and intellectual level.
Lor: Further proof? Ana tells us that Grey means SOSOSOSO much to her in such a short period of time. “He’s got right under my skin… literally.”
UGH. NO. FUCK. NOT LITERALLY. And in the context of Grey basically being a murderer, I just don’t like what you unintentionally implied with your misused literally.
Sweeney: At least its solid gif material.
And just as I think this, we get to see Ana go on job interviews! Maybe now we can see that oh-so-clever girl we’ve heard so much about? LOLJK.
While she’s sitting in the waiting area and offering far too much commentary on the decor, she notices that the couch is leather and, you know, Christian has a leather couch! I wonder what Christian does on his leather couch? Fortunately she rebukes herself for getting all sidetracked without bringing in subconscious or inner goddess.
Ana is predictably flustered during her interview, and her interviewer, Jack Hyde, is creeping her out, though he’s not actually doing anything creepy. Question for those of you who have actually read this all the way through: is he supposed to be James? YEAH, I’M ASKING TWILIGHT-LINKAGE QUESTIONS. I’M READING FIFTY SHADES OF FUCKING GREY, SO I HAVE NO DIGNITY LEFT TO PRESERVE. I’m not sure how I’ve made the leap from not-creepy to vampire, but this is Twilight fan fiction, so it seems fair.
I genuinely laughed out loud when Ana’s internal monologue starts judging Jack Hyde’s taste in books. Not that any member of the Snark Squad is really in a position to pass such judgments either, but how a woman writing Twilight fan fiction thinks she’s got the intellectual high ground here is beyond me. I think it’s really just a moment for her to show off – “See, I can name some classic authors! I have seen the covers of other books before!”
When asked where she sees herself in five-years-time, I get my first true HULKSMASH moment of the chapter because Ana’s answer to herself is “With Christian Grey.”
I don’t think it’s possible to hate this girl more. I’m glad that while you are applying for your dream internship, you can only think of your dreamy future with your psychotic boyfriend. Good.
Lor: Not sure if I hate her more with each chapter or just that I hate her longer? Like my hate is maturing. My hate is accruing interest.
Sweeney: I like this explanation. Before you and your hatred were flirting, just getting started. Now you’re married, with kids, getting ready to grow old together.
Her actual answer is copy editing or a literary agent – “I’m not sure. I am open to opportunities.” Jack Hyde responds by grinning, which Ana is clearly trying to make sound creepy. Ana, sometimes people smile and are friendly, and aren’t psychopaths. It’s not creepy, swearsies.
I mean, except for my aforementioned hunch about the significance of this character to the nonexistent plot. I’d say that I’m going to be really annoyed if I am correct, because this is really bullshit villain setup, but we’re pretty much past those kinds of expectations, aren’t we?
Lor: Yep. He’s definitely getting a villain edit. Also, he has a penis so he has to eventually like Ana, which is what probably makes him a villain.
Sweeney: SO ANNOYING. At least James is a vampire who, you know, tries to kill Bella. (With an inexplicable lack of success, but that’s not the point.) I think I just defended Twilight. This book only brings misery into the world.
Back at home, she talks to Kate about the interview for .2 seconds before moving to Christian Gray talk. Kate gives her the, “Are you OK?” lecture that any good friend should offer when their friend is clearly dating a potential murderer. But after a few “No, but seriously, are you all right?” rounds, we move to, “Oh, girl, everything will be totes all right if you just tell him you’re in love with him.”
Damnit, Kate. (L: +1. Katherine Kavanagh: worst friend to have in case of abusive relationship.)
Oh, and Kate is also likened to Ana’s subconscious – “all she needs is the half-moon specs.”
Ana suddenly has the realization that Christian is capable of fear and imagines him as a small child, because this chapter has previously been without references to children, so it was about that time.
Kate steps out to grab dinner, leaving Ana to check her email and then proudly decide to be a big girl and email Christian when she doesn’t have any messages from him. I know Lor’s already mentioned this, but they change their email subjects and it drives me fucking nuts. It’s supposed to be cute and part of their oh-so-clever witty banter, but it’s not. It’s just annoying. IN THE AGE OF GMAIL, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? YOU ARE JUST MESSING UP YOUR EMAIL CHAIN.
They discuss her interviews and she calls him out for “weirding out” on her and then he corrects her English, like a dick. I mean, his point that she is not demonstrating that she has the capacity to go into publishing might be valid (except not, because this blog is a testament to how many awful things get published) but I refuse to be denied the right to make up verbs. Back the fuck off.
She asks about Mrs. Jones and he says that no, he has not ever employed anyone that he’s slept with, though he’d make an exception for her, and then that’s pretty much the end of the conversation. They say goodnight and that’s that.
Later, Kate takes her to the airport and somehow Ana manages to piss me off while boarding a plane. Probably in part because of the fact that we are bothering to describe her boarding a plane, but also because of this:
“Ticket, please?” The bored young man behind the desk holds up his hand without looking at me.
Mirroring his boredom, I hand over my ticket and my driver’s license as ID.
There is nothing likable about this girl. If you’re going to be boring and stupid, you’ve got to at least be nice. Anyway, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, she’s been upgraded to first class. The guy is more attentive now and that’s supposed to justify her being a twat, I guess. Also, grumblegrumble Christian interfered.
Listen, of all the shit for you to take issue with, a first class upgrade just isn’t one of them. I can make you a list, if you’d like, of all the things that should concern you ahead of this, but that could fill an entire post on its own.
I’m not even sure what we’re doing here, with this re-capping business. How can anyone not see how awful this book is? Doesn’t it just make fun of itself?
Lor: You would think. And yet there exist people who love this book. Go do a Twitter search for “Fifty Shades of Grey” and come back when you’ve lost all hope for humanity. It should take approximately 15 seconds.
Sweeney: I don’t have any wine handy at the moment, so I’m going to spare myself that torture.
Murmur Count – 3
Whisper Count – 5
Favorite comments last post: “You’d think a billionaire could afford/would have the foresight to keep a few unopened packs of toothbrushes around in case someone stopped by for an impromptu beating and a no-snuggling sleepover.” -Izzygirl
“I really have to remind myself to never ever read these recaps at work. Here I am laughing when the co-worker who sits on the desk next to mine asks “what’s so funny?”. What I should say: “Oh, someone just said their mother was a crack whore”. What I say: “Nothing”. Awesome. Next time I’ll read it at home.
On another note, they just published this book in my country and, to promote it, whoever handles PR for this sent journalists (me included) a pair of cuffs, a mask, a tie, AND a contract just like the one Grey gives Ana. Oh, and the books. WHAT? WHAT? Sad, but true.” -nana (the evidence)
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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