Fifty Shades of Grey Chapter 23 – Stalker boyfriend always knows when you are shedding your uterine lining.

Previously: Ana goes to Georgia to get some space from Christian, so naturally he follows her there. Because that’s the kind of man he is.
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Lorraine: Guys. I beg you. If you have any friends who like this book, send them the link to this recap and ask them to account for themselves IMMEDIATELY. Then, consider getting new friends.

Sweeney: I’d probably move directly to getting new friends and skip step one. You’re a better person than I am.

Lor: Yeah, I just want people to read this recap… Here’s why:

Ana is looking around the bar to see if she can spot Grey. Her mom is all, “you look like you’ve seen a ghost,” and Ana explains that Christian is there. A real mom would’ve been all, “WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HECK,” but Ana’s Mom is all, “really?”

Sweeney: Negligent Parent of the Book is kind of a requirement here.

Lor:

“I have neglected to mention Christian’s stalker tendencies to my mom.”

Oh, did you? Did you forget to mention that? Silly.

Ana spots Grey coming towards them and her Inner Goddess “leaps up cheering from her chaise lounge.” She keeps her chaise lounge located in the west wing, near the parapet of her mind. I’m sure she’s neglected to tell her mother about the people living in her head too. (S: For my own personal amusement, I’ve decided to picture all of this as being made out of legos. Plus, it makes the random new additions easier to explain.) Ana notes that Grey looks mad. She gets scared for a second before she reminds herself that wait! She’s the one who’s mad here, seeing as how he’s showed up on her “I need space from you” vacation.

Sweeney: I hate when I forget that I am the one who is mad.

Lor: When he reaches their table, Ana squeaks out a hello and he kisses her on the cheek. Ana introduces him to her mother, and he greets Momma by her name- even though Ana never told him what it was. Aw, stalker boyfriend is so thoughtful. I feel like this should be a meme. “Stalker Boyfriend always knows the names of friends and family.”

Sweeney:

I’d rather not discuss the amount of time I spent Googling “creepy mustaches,” or the fact that I decided I just felt too sad for most of these people.

Lor: This is absolutely perfect. I wished for a meme and it came true!

Grey smiles at Momma.

“My mother’s lower jaw practically hits the table. Jeez, get a grip Mom. She takes his proffered hand and they shake. My mother hasn’t replied. Oh, complete dumbfounded speechlessness is genetic – I had no idea.”

I love when EL makes the jokes for me. It’s at this point I’m happy these are fictional characters, because that means one less threat to our gene pool.

Sweeney: I disagree. The number of people who not only find all of this appealing, but revel in it enough to encourage their friends down this rabbit hole of mind-numbing whatisthisfuckery? That makes me fear for our gene pool far more than Ana and her mother.

Lor: I concede your point and weep for humanity.

Things get creepy when Grey “smiles knowingly” at Momma and she’s all “breathless” and his eyes are twinkling. Y’all want to be alone or something?

Ana interrupts the moment by asking what he’s doing there. He’s all, “duh. I’m here to see you.” Ana repeats his words back to him, except she sounds like “a sophomore on amphetamines.”

…

Well then.

Grey’s all, “you said yesterday that you wished I was here so I totally tracked down your whereabouts and made your deep desires a reality, girl.” Stalker Boyfriend is the best.

Sweeney:

Lor: Momma invites Grey to join them for a drink. He orders:

“I’ll have a gin and tonic,” Christian says. “Hendricks if you have it or Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the Hendricks, lime with the Bombay.”

Holy hell… only Christian could make a meal out of ordering a drink.”

It must be awesome to be Ana Steele and be amazed by all of life’s little wonders, like “ordering things” and “knowing what you like.”

Christian says that he just happened to be eating dinner at the place where they were drinking, totally coincidental like. Before we dwell on how big a coincidence this actually is, Grey compliments Ana’s tan and new shirt. Stalker Boyfriend always notices what you’re wearing.

Sweeney:

Lor: Grey says that he was going to see her the next day, but that, here she is. He holds her hand and it makes Ana horny. Seriously, she feels his hand holding “in her bloodstream.” Her breath hitches and everything.

Momma and Grey small talk a little about what wonderful things Ana has said about Grey. She invites him to dinner the next night and then excuses herself to the bathroom again to give the two alone time.

Grey pounces: he wants to know if Ana’s mad at him for having dinner with an old friend and she murmurs yes. Grey whispers that his sexual relationship with MRS. RAPE was over a long time ago, like that makes anything about that entire situation better. Ana says that she thinks of her as a child molester, probably because that’s what she is. Christian doesn’t think so, though. He whispers that Ana is being judgmental.

Sweeney: Clearly. It’s very judgmental of her to call someone a criminal when all they have done is be a criminal.

Lor: Ana, bolstered by alcoholic bravery, explains that MRS. RAPE took advantage of a 15-year-old boy. Then she turns the tables: what if it had been a 15-year-old girl with a MR. RAPE. What if it had been his sister Mia? It says a lot about this book that this is hands down my favorite Ana moment so far. You know, the part where she calls rape rape. Don’t worry though, I’ll be back to hating the entire world in just a moment.

Sweeney: I was a little dumbstruck by it. It’s kind of like when someone who is normally not all there mentally has a rare lucid moment. It was shining and wonderful and obviously about to end really soon.

Lor: Grey just repeats that it wasn’t like that and that MRS. RAPE was a force for good in his life. Anyways, he doesn’t want to talk about it now. And if she doesn’t want him around, he has a plane on stand-by. But of course she wants him around. She asks him to stay.

Sweeney: Begs. Ana obviously has lower levels of “beg” than this, but for a normal person, her NOPLEASESTAY eagerness would qualify as begging.

Lor: When she tries to further explain why his dinner with MRS. RAPE bothers her, Grey reveals that they are business partners and that their relationship ended because her husband found out about it. Are you falling more in love with Grey yet? Are you? Are you? Are you?

Ana asks if Grey loves MRS. RAPE but Momma walks up at that moment. Grey takes his leave, calling Ana “Anastasia” which impresses the Momma. Grey whispers “laters, baby” in Ana’s ear and is gone. Ana’s mom tries to convince her to go after him, because after spending approximately 5 minutes watching them murmur and whisper at each other, she knows they are epically in love.

Sweeney: I have hated a lot of fictional parents since we started this blog, but never have I hated a fictional parent this hard before.

Lor: I’m pretty sure it’s an extension of Grey-hate. Wait you support Christian Grey? Yep. Hate you too.

Worst Momma Ever uses the fact that he flew thousands of a miles at a moment’s notices to find her as proof of his love. Stalker Boyfriend will always find you.

Sweeney: I already did that one. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Lor: LOL. The fact that it moves makes it creepier. Seriously. Can’t watch it for too long…

Encouraged by her mother, Ana decides to go up to Grey’s hotel room. He answers the door and he’s on his cell phone, babbling some more Business-y Talk for Dummies, which hints at him looking to acquire some land in Georgia. SURE YOU ARE. Of course the land near Ana’s family is appealing. When the call is over, Ana murmur-asks him again if he loved Mrs. Rape. He says no, he didn’t.

They flirt a little and Ana’s biting her lip and Grey’s all “don’t do that, I flew a long way to see you,” and I’m not sure what one has to do with the other. Restless Lip Syndrome never takes a break, Christian. Not even on a vacation. Don’t be insensitive. Grey gives Ana his “sexy, predatory” look and her breath hitches again.

Grey accuses Ana of only coming up to his room because she wanted sex. Ana whispers that she really did want to know about MRS. RAPE. Grey’s all, “whatever you say. Sex or no?” “Yes,” murmurs Ana.

“You were so mad at me,” he breathes.
“Yes.”
“I don’t remember anyone but my family ever being mad at me. I like it.”

LOLWUT?

1.) Seriously, no one? Not even, I don’t know, your pedophillic dom? Or like a teacher? Or a kid on the playground. NO ONE?

Sweeney: Maybe he has Ana’s same highly-selective-memory condition.

Lor: 2.) Stalker Boyfriend likes to make you mad?! I mean, if it weren’t chapter twenty-freaking-three, and we still cared about things like “red flags,” I would say that having a boyfriend get off on making you mad would be bad. But, I mean. Whatever.

Sweeney: 3) Why are we mentioning your family as a precursor to sexytimes? It’s like Item #8644 on the list of Things That Skeeve Me Out About This Situation, but it’s there all the same.

Lor: Valid.

“He runs the tips of fingers down my cheek.”

What an appropriate typo! It’s awesomely murder-y. Whose fingers is he running down her cheeks? Oh, you know. Just some disembodied fingers he keeps around.

Sweeney: A+

Lor: Guys, what are you thinking right now? Right, right now? “Well, Lorraine. We, as the collective people of the Internet were just wondering what Christian smells like.” I’m glad you asked, Internet, for E.L James has just informed us that Christian in fact still smells like Christian.

Ana whispers that they should talk, but Grey manipu-kisses her and is all, “no. later.” Grey is kissing her all over when he asks, “are you bleeding?”

LOLOLOL. I’m sorry, what? I mean, legit question dude, but doesn’t “are you bleeding” seem archaic? Just me?

“Holy Fuck,” thinks Ana (with a capital fuck.) “Does nothing slip by him?”

Stalker Boyfriend always knows when you are shedding your uterine lining.

Sweeney: 

 

Lor: ♥

Grey asks if she has cramps and she says no. He asks if she took the pill and she says yes. So, off they go to take a bath.

He starts to undress Ana and announces, “I’m going to have you in the bathroom, Anastasia.” No shit. You invited her in the bathroom to have sex with her in the bathroom?! Jump back.

He takes off her jeans and underwear and then kneels behind her. He bites her ass. (?)  Then he murmurs at her that she is so beautiful. So beautiful that he wants her to feel her. He guides her hands up and down her body, over her breasts, through her pubic hair and such.

Grey undresses and they start the heavy petting again. He stops suddenly to ask when Ana started her period. She answers yesterday. He finds this agreeable.

Why is he asking? Why does he care? What happens next? I’ll quote it. Because I’ve seen people link back to the recaps and accuse me of exaggerating or reaching. So, no. I’ll just quote it straight from the book and then challenge you all to accuse me of exaggerating this here:

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.”

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string – what?! – and gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez. And then he’s inside me… ah!”

I AM RUINED. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY INTERNET.

Okay, okay. Let’s back up because I don’t want to be judgey. I know that, from a purely logistical standpoint there is nothing wrong with having sex while on your period. I’m not going to offer my opinion on the subject matter one way or another even if this particular scene calls to mind phrases such as “used tampon smell” and “clogged toilet.” Whatever. You go for it. You period fuck until the cows come home.

My big question, ladies and gentlemen, is WHY. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. Why was this included in this novel?! Why did EL feel the need to include Grey PULLING OUT HER TAMPON, OH MY GOD HE JUST PULLED OUT HER TAMPON. Has that made this scene in this erotic novel ANY MORE EROTIC FOR ANYONE? Is there anyone planning their next love making session around prime tampon pullage time? Did you not get the point that Grey was controlling of every aspect of her life, before he was also controlling her female hygiene? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Sweeney: …

 

 

 

Lor: Thank you for giving my pain a gif-face.

As an aside, I wrote an email to a group of my best blogging friends (affectionately known as the Nipocalypse to no one but ourselves) about this particular scene in the book because I had to know if I was overreacting. Ginny said the best thing ever: I don’t even like taking out my own tampon.

And that about sums it up.

They both come. (GAG.) They sink down onto the floor and I guess they are spooning but Ana describes it as Grey, “imprisoning” her. Stalker Boyfriend holds you hostage with his hugs.

Sweeney:

Lor: Ana murmurs that she’s bleeding and Greys all, “duh.” He says it doesn’t bother him and Ana’s all “clearly.” Grey asks if it bothers Ana and she decides no, it doesn’t. Grey decides they should have a bath anyways. Ana notices that the small scars on Grey’s chest are actually burns. She whisper-says that his scars aren’t chicken pox and this immediately makes Grey go on the defensive. Ana presses though and whisper-asks if “she” did this to him. Grey says that of course Mrs. Rape didn’t do that to him. She’s not a terrible person! Why must Ana demonize her?

“He’s standing there, naked, gloriously naked, with my blood on him… and we’re finally having this conversation.”

OH GOD FOR REAL? YOU HAD TO REMIND US THE BLOOD IS ON HIM AS THEY JUST STAND THERE AND CHAT? I HATE THIS BOOK. I HATE THIS BOOK SO, SO MUCH.

Sweeney: I also appreciate how deep Ana thinks she’s being with her whole we’re-literally-naked-and-exposed bullshit.

Lor: Ana wonders what Grey would be like if he hadn’t met MRS. RAPE. I’m gonna guess, “fucked up but not raped.” Just off the top of my head.

They climb into the bath and after a bit of silence,Grey says he would’ve taken after his birth mom had it not been for MRS. RAPE. If you’ll remember: “My mother was a crack whore, Anastasia. Now go to sleep.” So he’s saying he would’ve ended up a crack whore.

Grey says that MRS. RAPE loved him in a way that he found acceptable. I can’t even wrap my head around that after all that’s happened in this chapter, dear friends. He continues that she “distracted” him from a “destructive path” because growing up in the rich, perfect Grey family was really hard. (S: #firstworldnotproblems) Grey says he can’t take back his past, and anyways, he wouldn’t want to. He also says he’s never told anyone this much except Dr. Flynn and he’s only telling her because he wants her trust.

Ana says that she does trust him (LOL.) but that she wants to get to know him too. He’s all, “uh, ew, whyyy?!” Ana cuddles up next to him and whisper-asks him not to be mad at her. He isn’t, he just isn’t used to talking to anyone but Dr. Flynn and… MRS. RAPE.

Now Ana is interested in what he talks to MRS. RAPE about, though she’s mostly wondering if they talk about her: yes. Ana’s pissed and isn’t satisfied with Grey’s, “we talk about you because you aren’t like anyone I ever met before!” Ana snaps, asking Grey is he “take[s] advice from Mrs. Pedo.” It’s MRS. RAPE Ana, but that’s a pretty good one too.

Sweeney: Agreed. It was another one of those rare fleeting magical moments.

Lor: Grey snaps back and says if she keeps calling rape rape and saying rational things and asking good questions, he’s going to put her across his knee! Grey summarizes that she’s just a friend he used to fuck who saved his life and whose marriage he ruined. …okay.

Grey growls at Ana so she knows question time is over. Well, at least it’s now time for him to question her. Twenty three chapter later, what Ana thinks about the Sexy Times Contract is still a valid question. Look at that blazing plot development y’all. It’ll give you whiplash.

Ana says that a whole weekend of being someone she isn’t doesn’t sound appealing. Grey agrees that she’s a terrible submissive. Somehow, we still have a book. And finally, we can stop pretending that any of this shit is about BDSM. Because it isn’t. Because Ana doesn’t want it to be. Because Ana sucks as a submissive. Now, equation:

Fifty Shades of Grey – Fake BDSM = (ABUSE. DOMESTIC ABUSE. THIS IS ABUSIVE.)²

They gets to talking about the first time Grey spanked Ana and she admits it was worse in theory than in practice. The idea of spanking freaks her out worse than the actual spankings. Ana asks why he needs to control her and he says, “it satisfies a need in me that wasn’t me in my formative years.” Ana’s all, “oh cool, so controlling me is like therapy,” and for some reason, thinking that Grey is getting therapy from beating her helps her.

Sweeney: More descriptions seemingly pulled from stories of domestic abuse victims. Swoon, ladies!

Lor: Get me out of this chapter.

Oh, wait no. Not yet, because they are going to have sex again, with Grey grabbing Ana’s wrists. She whisper-asks him to let her go, and he does on the condition that she doesn’t touch him. There’s a lot of sloshing water and mention of moisture and slipperiness. In case you wondering. Ana’s thinking the whole time how much she loves her Stalker Boyfriend.

Cut to the two of them in bed, talking.  We learn that Grey’s favorite film is The Piano. We learn that Grey hasn’t kept count of how many women he’s slept with, but he knows it’s in the 10’s. (S: I call bullshit. No way you’re sure it’s in the 10’s but haven’t kept count, especially since he does have a count for who has been in the playroom.) We also learn that Grey’s paid for sex, a la BDSM training. Ana’s shocked but she’s also sad that she can’t shock Grey. He says, “remember that one time you wore my underwear LOL!” because he thought that was super shocking of the Panty Prankster. Ana’s Inner Goddess is super proud of this, and we know because she “pole-vaults over the fifteen-foot-bar.”

Other shocking things = Ana was a virgin and Ana calls Grey by his first name. Whoop-dee-doo.

Grey promises Ana a surprise for the next day and then commands Ana to sleep. Ana has never felt happier in her life.

I’m sure if Grey would’ve known that, he would’ve pulled her tampon out weeks ago.

Big ups to Sweeney for the meme and making this chapter a little less painful.

Murmur Count – 10
Whisper Count – 16

 

Chapter 24

 

Favorite comment last post:
Christian: LOL gonna stalk you ‘n spank you ‘n stuff you in a crate :3
Ana: o__O
Christian: Oh crap did I scare you!? Totes didn’t mean to! 🙁

Wow. This doesn’t AT ALL sound like:

Edward: LOL might guzzle you like a slurpie at any given second coz you smell murder-licious ;P now watch me uproot trees with my bare hands! Rowr!
Bella: o__O
Edward: Nooo why do you look so scared? I’d never HURT you, silly! 🙁

Readers everywhere with brains: WHAT FUCKING REACTION DID YOU EXPECT HER TO HAVE AFTER THREATENING HER REPEATEDLY, YOU CREEPY RICH ASSHOLE? ARGHASDFGHJKL. – Mimi