Previously: Grey behaved like himself and stalked Ana to her mom’s house. Also, Stalker Boyfriend was born.
Sweeney: The chapter begins with Ana in a cage. Since the last chapter ended with her falling asleep and this bitch takes us through every single second of her day, she’s obviously asleep.
Nightmare!Grey is a lot like actual!Grey and is forcing her to eat. Strawberries, though, because they are a sexy food. But dream!Ana doesn’t want to be force-fed sexy food and is struggling to get free, something that awake!Ana should be doing.
Lorraine: Sidebar: His chest hair is mentioned somewhere in here. Since I’m not doing the main recap, I have time to think things like, “is his chest hair copper like his shuperspehcial top-of-head-hair? Does it look like he’s hoarding pennies on his chest?”
Uh, anyways.
Sweeney: Not doing the main recap is sort of a mixed blessing.
In continued displays of highly original writing, Ana’s dream gradually blends with reality as Christian really is speaking to her, trying to wake her. It turns out that her initial assumption is wrong and he is not waking her for sex. We have the I-always-want-sex-with-you conversation for the million and sixth time and I throw up in my mouth.
It’s apparently 5:30 in the morning and if I didn’t already have a long enough list of reasons to hate Christian Grey, waking a girl up at 5:30 on her vacation is pretty much the worst thing ever and if anyone ever does that to me, they should know I am likely to stop speaking to them for the rest of forever.
They bicker about why she can’t shower because there isn’t enough time and we are a full three pages into the chapter for she likens her abusive boyfriend to “a small boy” with his enthusiasm, so there’s that.
I clamber off the bed and search for my clothes. Of course they are neatly folded on the chair beside my bed.
Never mind the fact that I have no fucking clue why it would be necessary for her to “clamber” off of the bed, we get this swell new addition to our Stalker Boyfriend list. I’m not even sure if this qualifies as “Stalker Boyfriend” or just “Really Fucking Weird Behavior That Might Indicated That Your Boyfriend Is A Potential Murder.” That’s too big for a meme, though.
Anyway. that paragraph continues with a listing of her “trophies” from Grey, in which her car and a pair of Christian’s underwear are placed on the same level, followed by more annoying references designed to trick the particularly ignorant reader into believing that Ana is actually intelligent.
Ana “has needs to attend to” and I am ashamed to admit that I catch this as a Twilight reference, as Bella often requires time to do human shit (L: LOL. Like literally shit.) that Edward doesn’t need to do. However, the fact that we need to keep that in here only seems to highlight the fact that Christian Grey is a not a normally functioning human being, because once again, why? Sorry, we need to stop asking that question. There are too many things. Too many things.
She manages to get “seven minutes” of bathroom time, in spite of the no-shower rule.
Lor: I’m glad she was able to steal away “seven minutes,” seeing as how she’s probably been bleeding all over herself. When Grey was all, “you can’t have a shower because then I will want to rape you,” Ana should’ve been all, “well you threw my tampon down the toilet and then I fell asleep soooooo… I probably need a shower.”
Sweeney: Word.
When she emerges from the bathroom, Christian is commanding her to eat again, which makes her think of her dream, rather than recognizing that this is like every other day. Thinking about this makes her dizzy and disoriented, though. She blames this on her lack of sleep, as if this were not also representative of normal behavior for them. Her ability to pretend the same shit is new chapter after chapter is just one of many things to love about Anastasia Steele!
They leave and Christian gives Ana a sweatshirt, which confuses her, as many things do. They get into a random sports car and gush about how great life is for Christian Secret Serial Killer Grey. In the car we have a conversation about the music. (L: Again.) They are listening to La Traviata and it is filled with DEEP! SYMBOLIC! MEANING! for our story because it means, “literally, the woman led astray.” It is based on a book that, of course, Ana has read, you know, because she reads books.
Then E. L. James demonstrates that she’s hip and not-like-a-regular-writer-she’s-a-cool-writer because Ana gets to choose a song and Grey randomly has Britney Spears on his iPod, so Ana plays Toxic and it’s all LOL-worthy that we’re joking about her boyfriend being Toxic. Hahaha, so funny! My boyfriend might murder me! Truly hilarious!
Lor: Not only is totally lolz worthy, but Ana is feeling super accomplished:
“He turns down the music down a little more, and inside I am hugging myself. My inner goddess is standing on the podium awaiting her gold medal. He turned the music down. Victory!”
OMG ANA. YOU ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD. Ordinary people like me and Sweenz would have to, I don’t know, ask our significant other to turn down the music. OR USE THE VOLUME BUTTON. But not you, Anastasia. You are truly the master of relationships.
Sweeney: It turns out that Britney was placed on his iPod by an ex, and never mind the fact that this is a bullshit explanation, because now Christian is affably chatting about exes and Ana is all over this. He mentions Mrs. Rape’s name all casual and Ana freaks out about the fact that she has a name. Aside from Mrs. Rape, he had long-term relationships with four other women, and Ana wants to know what happened to them. “They’re all dead,” I answer.
He teases her about being anxious for information about his previous victims and her rebuttal is, “Oh, Mr. When Is Your Period Due” and then we chat about how it’s important to know this shit so he doesn’t get her pregnant, which is fair because the thought of these two procreating hurts my soul, even if it is fiction.
Ana’s mind is eventually reeling from the “bucket-load of information” he gives her to process. What is that information? Three women wanted more, one met someone else, and the others “just didn’t work out.” No, I am not summarizing. This is the full scope of the massively overwhelming bucket-load of information Grey gives her.
That’s quite enough non-information for one chapter, so we have some more filler banter about how much they both want to fuck each other before discussing that we’re going to learn about the thing he most loves to do, after sexytimes with Ana.
Lor: Manipulating women? Tracking cell phones? Following women cross country? Buying Ana expensive gifts? Shopping at adult novelty stores? Hiding bodies? Organizing his serial killer murdering tools? Hanging his pants off his hips?
Sweeney: Grey finally reveals that they are driving to an airfield.
Lor: Oh.
Sweeney: Ana initially freaks the fuck out because she hasn’t said goodbye to her mom and it would be a totally Christian Grey thing to do to just fly her back to Seattle and why-oh-why is this not raising red flags?
Instead, Christian Grey is going to take them gliding, and I am briefly optimistic about how easily this could end in their deaths. Several pages will now be condensed because it’s insanely boring. Unimportant characters arrive, the step-by-step of getting Ana in the harness is provided, and jokes about tying her up are made, and there’s not much to snark because I’m drunk and tired and this part is just boring. She has managed to make this all sound boring as fuck, which is maybe some sort of accomplishment?
Oh, and for what it’s worth, the Inner Goddess now has a sofa. She is hiding behind it and under a blanket, which is new, I guess.
Lor: I mean, new in a “Ana’s Inner Goddess now officially owns more furniture than I do” sort of way.
Sweeney: So the whole reason they got up at stupid AM was so that they could see the sunrise from here because it’s gorgeous and also so that we could have a random reference to Josecob, because he also told Ana about sunrise once, and apparently they are the only people that know about sunrise.
Lor: Also, an additional reference to Icarus flying too close to the sun is made, BECAUSE ANA READS PEOPLE. SHE READS.
Sweeney: FYI: Christian Grey is not only a pilot, but also apparently some sort of stunt pilot. Naturally.
After Ana clambers out of the plane (word choice I might allow, had she not described getting out bed in the same terms) they make out some more and Grey insta-boners as usual, but even though Ana wants to have sex in the middle of the airfield, he insists on holding off because Ana needs breakfast, and how the fuck do women find this endearing? If I’m ready to go and this asshole tells me that we can’t because he thinks I need to eat breakfast first, that’s not romantic or chivalrous, that’s just bullshit.
Grey takes her to IHOP for breakfast, which is shocking to Ana because, everything continues to surprise her, and if you guys find a way to ruin IHOP for me, I’ll just cry.
Thankfully, no. Instead, they just make me laugh and laugh and laugh. Because we get to have Twilight’s dreamy Italian restaurant YOU SO DAZZLING chat in IHOP, and for the first time I begin to think that maybe this is actually written as a spoof after all, and maybe there is hope for humanity yet? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s just be thankful that the IHOP is safe.
Grey’s remarkable beauty scares the waitress and Ana tells him that its unfair to “disarm people” like that. Then we have a chat about the terms of their “agreement” and what Grey wants and what Ana wants for the million and sixth time. This redundant conversation is going well up until the point that Ana asks to be able to pay for their meal because she’d actually be able to afford it and Grey asks if she’s trying to completely emasculate him which falls in the usual sense-making range of Christian Grey Logic (see also: zero. The sense-making-range of not making any.)
Lor: Again, not sure why this is appealing to anyone. “I feel manly when I pay for your $6.99 Rooty Tooty Fresh N Fruity. DO NOT TAKE MY MANHOOD AWAY.”
Sweeney: Grey drives Ana to her mother’s house and obviously already knows the address and Ana actually acknowledges, in her own words, that he is a stalker, though she is, of course, undisturbed by this. (L: Ana thinking about mentioning stalker tendencies: “What’s the point?” -_-) They say goodbye and she thanks him for the “more” which I guess refers to the flying and the IHOP chat. Ana also gives our chapter reminder that Christian smells like Christian.
Lor: Grey promised Ana he would try for “more” than just the dom/sub, which the reader understood as “more” in the way of a deeper relationship. Love, shared trust, commitment, discussions that don’t have to do with sex, etc. Apparently, Ana really meant gliding and IHOP. I’m not just assuming this:
“Why do I want to spend every single moment with this controlling sex god? Oh yes. I’ve fallen in love with him, and he can fly.”
Gliding: the new frontier in super serious relationships. I mean, you may be a controlling potential serial killer, but if you can fly (plane totally included) you are in.
Sweeney: Pretty much.
Inside the house, the Negligent Mother of the Book is busy cooking up a storm for dinner with Christian and continuing to encourage this dysfunctional relationship. Since it has been several whole minutes since their parting, Ana decides to email Grey, and their latest obnoxious exchange reveals that Christian has heard Ana talk in her sleep, but he refuses to share the things she has said until tonight, so Ana’s new EPICDRAMZ will be fretting over what she could have said while talking in her sleep.
Fortunately we are spared this by the most unbelievable job phone call ever. The publishing house from a few chapters ago calls and wants to hire Ana. This is obviously the main reason that this phone call is a load of bullshit, but beyond that, it reads, as so many of these things do, like a 5th grade creative writing assignment. They ask if its her and immediately offer the job and she immediately accepts and the call lasts about eight seconds.
Ana’s mom gets really excited and Ana’s inner monologue has the audacity to ask “Is she forty-two or twelve?” Coming from Ana this thought is just laughable.
Lor: Also? What. a. bitch.
Sweeney: Right? Your mom is just being excited for you. Rude.
The glee is interrupted by a missed call from Christian. Ana calls him back and he is all short and stern and it turns out that he is heading straight back to Seattle because of a “situation.” It’s obvious in the way that E. L. James is a terrible writer that the job-getting and Christian’s-situation will be related events, and I am preemptively annoyed by this bit of utter bullshit.
Lor: I can neither confirm nor deny this, mostly because I fucking forgot. I read this shit and it immediately seeps out of my head. I think, though, that Ana’s guess about his “situation” is hilarious.
“Oh no. The last “situation” he had was my virginity. Jeez. I hope it’s nothing like that.”
Like… like what? There is a virgin in the Seattle metropolitan area and he has to handle that? Your virginity is back and wreaking havoc in Seattle? Your hymen is threatening to violate the Non-Disclosure Agreement? LIKE WHAT ANA?
Sweeney: Later, Ana is all giddy about how well their morning date went, according to her warped understanding of the world. She then starts to wonder what could have changed to make him have this big change of heart and the only thing that comes to mind is his dinner with Mrs. Rape and I have long since given up on trying to understand the way her mind works.
They have one last stupid email exchange and after she badgers him about what she said in her sleep, he finally says that he won’t tell her what she said in her sleep because she’d rather hear her say it when she’s conscious.
Oh, joy.
Murmur Count: 6
Whisper Count: 9
Next time on Fifty Shades of Grey: Ana returns to Seattle and she mentions “the situation” a lot. Plus, another visit to the Red Room of Pain. Find it all in FSoG Chapter 25.
Favorite Comment Last Post:
“FUCK.” -BelleRenee
Pretty much sums it up.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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