Buffy the Vampire Slayer S02 E07 – #awkwardXanderboner

Previously: Halloween! A creepy dude made costumes real, Spike had children as minions, Buffy was helpless, and aforementioned creepy dude addressed Giles as “Ripper.” Also, Giles gave the camera a seriously ominous look. Good times were had by all.
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Lie to Me

Sweeney: After being dealt “Inca Mummy Girl” I was a little worried about how the numbers would play out for me this season, but this is an excellent episode, complete with pre-Twihards, so I’m feeling as though the fates and I can kiss and make up. This is an awesomely quotable episode, too. There is a lot happening here, with season-arc stuff running parallel to demon-of-the-week stuff, so be patient as we bounce around.

The episode begins with a creepy carousel late at night and a little boy all by himself, complaining about being forgotten by his mother again, in a pretty impressive display of negligent parenting, even for Sunnydale. Drusilla shows up and is her fabulously creepy self, talking to the boy about lullabies and asking him, “What will your mummy sing when they find your body?” #creepyasshit

Kirsti: Shout out to the neglectful parents of Sunnydale, for leaving their kids in creepy playgrounds until WELL after dark. Zero out of five Sandy Cohen eyebrows for YOU, lady. 

Lorraine: Shout out to creepy playground equipment! Merry-go-round spinning by itself? Swings swinging in the moonlight? A slide… being all slidey… okay maybe just a shout out to swings and the merry-go-round for being creepy toys.

Sweeney: This made me genuinely sad the first time I saw it, because it’s somehow more awful to kill children than to kill adults. I don’t know why my instincts say this, but they do. Fortunately for the little boy who I no longer actually care about, Angel shows up and tells him to run away so that he and Dru can have an intense chat, pitting his brood against her crazy. It’s an even match.

Angels tells her that she and Spike need to leave town, and Dru is creepycrazyfaced telling him that the fun times are just beginning. She’s feeling him up during this conversation so, of course, Buffy is hiding out on top of a nearby roof, spying on this conversation, without actually being able to hear much of it. She’s devastated. Roll credits.

The next day at school Ms. Calendar is planning to take Giles somewhere secret and Buffy is sulking about Angel and I guess that’s why she forgot to put on a bra that morning? And every other morning? We need to start developing a scale for how clearly Buffy needs a bra, and then also start some sort of fund. For less than a dollar a month, you can keep a vampire slayer in proper undergarments! Anyway, this is definitely a 10 on the How Badly Does Buffy Need A Bra Today? scale.

K: In all honesty? EVERY DAY EVER is a 10/10 on the How Badly Does Buffy Need a Bra Today? scale. I mean, come on. Demon fighting means lots of running and jumping and fighting. And no one wants the twins flopping around during all of that, amIrite ladies??

Lor: B is definitely could definitely be in danger of poking out her own eye.

Sweeney: Thanks to the magic of contrivance, our main characters have all of their classes together, on an as-required-by-the-plot basis, even though they are high school juniors and at radically different places academically. (What kind of shit high school’s offerings require Willow to take the same classes as Buffy and Xander? Not a single honors or AP class at this school?) Cordelia gives us one of her wonderful useless comments, discussing Marie Antoinette and how hard she worked to look that good. No appreciation from starving peasants throughout history, Cordy. No appreciation.

Anyway, because of the aforementioned contrivance, Willow and Buffy are able to pass notes about the Angel dramz and its actually kind of cute to see them just being high school girls. As they leave class, Xander is eager for Angel-hating gossip, because he’s fucking pathetic and still can’t get over being rejected, and also gives me the creeps. Question, is his line, “Angel being bad gives me a happy” – did that actually happen?

K: #awkwardXanderboner. Having just invented that, I feel like we should retrospectively assign one to the time Buffy was grinding on him in S02 E01 and then left him standing in the middle of the dancefloor. 

Lor: I’ll additionally retrospectively assign an #awkwardXanderboner to the times he was loved up on by a giant praying mantis and a mummy princess.

Sweeney: In the random student lounge area that the school is spending money on instead of AP classes, a hot guy who Buffy used to know appears and his name is something Ford, but since B refers to him as Ford, I can only refer to him as Ford Prefect from here on out. I absolutely do not have a choice in this matter. This guy sure seems like he knows where his towel is! Sorry, I’ll stop. Maybe.

Lor: I’ll be over here pretending he’s still the alien from Roswell. A lesser pop-culture reference, to be sure, but I’m okay with that.

Sweeney: I’m not sure it’s really a lesser reference. In either case, he’s an alien. I’m glad we can all agree on that.

Anyway, Ford Prefect gives off a creepy vibe from the start, even though I really wish he wouldn’t, because Xander hates him instantly and I really hate for Xander’s jealousy to be right. Buffy knows Ford Prefect from LA and they joke about how she used to have a crush on him and brings us an excellently creepy and inappropriate moment when she recalls listening to “I Touch Myself” while mourning her unrequited childhood crush. I bring this up only because minutes later, after B and FP leave, Willow says, “Oh, that’s what that song is about!?” And then I tried to pinch her cheeks through the television screen for the millionth time.

K: Confession of the day – I had no idea that’s what that song was about until I first saw this episode in 2004. At the age of 21. So…yeah.

Sweeney: I’m glad this show could educate you on such important matters.

At Cockroach Bar The Bronze, Buffy runs into Angel, and asks him about what he did the previous night. He lies. Buffy is angry and leaves with Ford Prefect. Outside, B hears vampire-attacking-like sounds and sends FP back into The Bronze so that she can run off and slay. Solidifying his creepiness, FP lurks by the slaying and when Buffy tries to lie, he says, “Oh, I thought you were just slaying a vampire.” Ford Prefect learned her secret right before she left LA, because Buffy is really bad at keeping secrets.

Buffy calls Willow to gush about Ford Prefect knowing her secret and it’s another high school girl moment, except for the fact that they are discussing Buffy’s big Slayer secret and how nice it is to have someone know.

Just in case you hadn’t effectively caught the stench of creeper on Ford Prefect, we drive it home with him going to this basement club thing filled with pre-Twihards. Sidebar: I fell down a Google search rabbit hole when searching for a picture to go here. So. Many. Tattoos. Also, apparently “haters don’t sparkle.”

There were so many horrifying examples to choose from.

K: NYAAAAAAAARGH!!! 

Lor: I’ll be weeping in a corner for a moment.

Sweeney: Ford Prefect continues this show’s trend for awesome quotes about vanity, as he and the Twihards creepily discuss becoming vampires “Lonely Ones” with this fantastic line:

A couple more days and we’ll get to do the two things every American teen should have the chance to do: die young, and stay pretty.

More sidebars: there is an academic paper about how the vampire myth is a form of ageism in this series.

ANYWAY. Angel picked up on FP’s creeper vibe and also is presumably super jealous. He goes to Willow for help and Willow is all sorts of precious and awkward about inviting a man who is a couple centuries old into her bedroom. He asks her to use the interwebz to research Ford Prefect and we get an instant hit when it turns out that he is not even enrolled at their school.

K: My favourite thing about this scene? Willow invites Angel in and then gets all “OH NOOOOOOOO. THERE’S A BRA ON MY BED!!!!” Given Buffy’s apparently lack of owning such things, and therefore Angel’s lack of understanding what they are, I’m gonna go ahead and call this justified. No one wants to have an “It holds your boobs in place” conversation with their best friend’s boyfriend. 

Sweeney: Good point.

In addition to adorable Willow times in this scene, there’s also a fantastic Angel moment. Willow calls him out on being jealous and he explains how Buffy has complicated his life:

Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feelin’ guilty… I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy.

LOL. At least he’s aware of his epic brooding powers. I’m also a big fan of this particular use of “wrong guy.” Is this a thing? Do people say this? I’m not calling out the word usage, because he’s old and will have picked up all sorts of random speech patterns; I’m just a fan of it, that’s all. I’m going to start using it.

Lor: The brooding line made me giggle and then I paused and thought, “is this me liking Angel? AM I LIKING ANGEL?” It’s easier to do when he’s self aware.

Sweeney: YES. YOU DO. ACCEPT IT. JOIN US.

Anyway, they only get as far as confirming that FP isn’t in school before Willow’s mom calls up to her and she has to kick Angel out. She agrees, reluctantly, to keep this a secret from Buffy. The next day at school she is ultra-jittery and lolzy while trying to keep her secret. Buffy tells her to stay off the coffee. Since I’m all about tangents this post, I’d also like to say that I love high school Willow as much for who she becomes as who she is now, if that makes any sense. She has such awesome character growth. I love it. (K: +1)

Giles isn’t thrilled when he finds out the Ford Prefect knows the secret, but there’s nothing he can do about it. Buffy gives Ford Prefect the tour of Sunnydale that evening and they end up at the school for some random reason and there they encounter some vampires. Even Buffy is a little creeped when it turns out that FP has brought his own stake. There are two vampires and he manages to wind up alone with the one, promising to let it go if he tells him what he wants to know. I am wondering what the hell Buffy’s super strength is for if he can do this so easily, but whatever.

Meanwhile, Willow is taking Angel and Xander to the Sunset Club, which is the only thing she could find on Ford Prefect in Sunnydale. They tell the door guy that they are friends of Ford’s and are let in because the Twihards have pretty lax security. Creepy blonde girl who we saw when Ford was here has a chat with Angel and Xander about being open-minded to the Lonely Ones, and Angel calls her an idiot. Willow chides him for his lack of people skills. Angel makes a comment about how these people know nothing about what vampires are like, just as some guy walks past who is wearing the same outfit. Awkward.

K: This would never have happened to Spike. Unless, you know, Billy Idol turned up. 

Sweeney: Buffy calls Giles to the library, because it seemed like the vampires at the library were on a mission, which was weird. He is grateful because Ms. Calendar’s surprise was taking Giles to a Monster Truck Rally; she apparently knows nothing about Giles. As Buffy is trying to get them refocused, a vampire emerges from Giles’ room, holding a book. He gets away, and Buffy realizes that this is the vampire Ford claims to have killed.

Back at Vampire HQ, Dru is talking to a dead bird, when Spike has his version of the, “WHY ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITH THE ENEMY?” chat. This is the funny, low angst version. He upsets her, though, and offers to get her a new bird – “one that’s not dead.”

This scene is interrupted by Ford Prefect and the escaped vampire. Spike is mega pleased with the book, and annoyed by Ford Prefect. Spike wants to just kill FP outright, but Dru makes him wait. The scene essentially highlights why Spike is awesome and FP is a sad little boy. Banter, banter, Ford tells Spike that he wants to be a vampire.

I’ve known you for two minutes and I can’t stand you. I don’t really feature you living forever. Can I eat him now, love?

But alas! Ford offers to give Buffy over to Spike in exchange for becoming a vampire. Ominous commercial break moment.

Angel goes to Buffy to tell her the truth about Ford. Buffy is pouty about everyone talking about this behind her back. This is only kind of fair, because, really, they couldn’t have been up front with her without knowing anything, because she wouldn’t have listened. Anyway, she quickly turns the “let’s talk about the truth” tables for the angstier version of the cavorting-with-the-enemy conversation. Angel doesn’t want to talk about it, because it’s dark and Buffy insists that she can handle it.

Lor: Which is a true and tested indicator: she will not be able to handle it.

Sweeney: Then we get more of Angel and Dru’s back stories: Angel sired Dru. But first, the soul-less vampire Angel tortured Dru. He killed her family and drove her insane, because vampire Angel was fucking crazy. Buffy can’t handle this bit of truth telling, which is just annoying. I know it’s seriously twisted, but even the flimsy bit of vampire lore we’ve gotten up to now, the line between the demon and the soul is a thing, the presence of the latter being the justification for this relationship, correct? For a long time he was just a vampire, sans soul. You know this. Not the same as the soul-having-brooding vampire of the present. Deal with it.

Anyway, this scene is just a lot of back-and-forth tight shots, in which SMG and David Boreanaz have a brood-off. While David Boreanaz is the show’s resident champion, SMG holds her own. I declare this round a draw.

The next day at school, Buffy has to pretend she has no idea that Ford is bad news when she sees him. She agrees to a surprise hang out that night.

K: And apparently he thinks she’s a complete and utter idiot because the whole things screams:

It honestly broke my heart a little bit to have to choose between Star Wars and Firefly for a TRAP!! gif.

Sweeney: She follows him, though, and finds him at the Twihard Club, where he reveals the big plan. The Big Plan included her showing up early. The door has been closed and it only opens from the outside and the walls are three feet of solid concrete because they are also in a bomb shelter.

She tries to make the others realize that they’re all going to die, but takes a time out from her speech to call out the main Twihard for looking like an idiot. Which, you know, fair:

(K: +1,000,000,000)

It’s sunset, and Spike is on his way, but Buffy is still trying to find a way out. She and Ford somehow end up in a secluded corner to exchange witty banter. It starts with Buffy pointing out that everyone else there is going to die, and that even if he becomes a vampire, he still dies, “and a demon sets up shop in your old house and it walks and it talks and it remembers your life, but it’s not you.” She goes on to insist that these people don’t deserve to die and that’s Ford’s cue to take this to a deep place:

Well, neither do I! But apparently no one took that into consideration, because I’m still dying. [dramatic pause] I look good, don’t I? Well let me tell you something: I’ve got maybe six months left, and by then what they bury won’t even look like me. I’ll be bald, and shriveled and I’ll smell bad. I’m not going out like that. I’m sorry Summers, did I spoil your righteous anger riff? Does the nest of tumors liquefying my brain kind of spoil the fun?

I have nothing snarky to say because this scene is wonderful. Using the vampires and monsters as tools for dealing with big life things like death and loss are part of what makes this show so amazing. Buffy says that she’s sorry but that what Ford is doing is still wrong.

You have a choice. You don’t have a good choice, but you have a choice. You’re opting for mass murder here, and nothing you say is going to make that OK.

Buffy tries to get Ford to help her stop this, as Spike and company arrive and start killing everyone. Fortunately, their secluded corner gave her a high-up vantage point from which to grab Drusilla and hold her hostage. Spike has to release everyone, and she forces them all down the stairs before fleeing and slamming the only-opens-from-outside door.

K: Favourite thing from this scene? Spike: “Uh. Where’s the doorknob?” 

Sweeney: Outside, she tells the Scoobies what’s going on. The vampires will claw their way out eventually, and they can come back in the morning for Ford’s body, since he was knocked out and didn’t leave. When he comes to, he reminds Spike (who is furious about the whole locked inside thing, as one would be) that he delivered on his promise.

The final scene takes place at the cemetery. Buffy brings him flowers and she has another deep conversation with Giles. “It would be simpler if I could just hate him.” She talks about how complicated her life has become and how the more she knows, the more confused she gets. Giles responds, “I believe that’s called growing up.”

She asks if it ever gets easier, just as vampire!Ford claws his way out and she stakes him. “You mean life?” asks Giles. He’s not sure what she wants him to say, and she asks him to lie.

Then they have this lovely exchange:

Giles: Yes. It’s terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies and… everybody lives happily ever after.

Buffy: Liar.

And now I fail as a Snark Lady, because I have nothing to say except general, “D’awww” and “I love this show!” and a few more exclamation points and hugs for everyone.

K: + 1 millionty. 

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Actual back story development, a demon that possesses people and then turns into Alex Mack, and BADASS GILES. See all this in S02 E08 – The Dark Age.

Nicole Sweeney (all posts)

Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.

K (all posts)

I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.