Buffy the Vampire Slayer S02 E13 – LOOK AT ALL THE METAPHORS.

Previously: We had some campy fun with a gross blob demon who taught us the horrors of sex education.
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Surprise

Sweeney: This episode gives me so. many. feelings. I apologize in advance. I hope you all enjoyed that one episode detour into silliness, because we now return to srsbsns allthetimealways. Stuff is about to get really rough for our girl. How do we know? Buffy’s birthday is coming up, and even though she’s turning 17 and not 30, I’m pretty sure 17 is basically 30 in Slayer Years, and there’s that Hellmouth thing, so you know shit’s going to get real.

K: I feel like you’re underestimating the Slayer years to human years ratio, Sweeney. I mean, she’s already died once, and she’s only been a Slayer for two years! I also feel the need to point out that considering this episode doesn’t really give me the feels (I know, I know. I’m a heartless cow), I’m going to go ahead and point out all the ugly outfits. Because you guys need to know about such things. Also, to make it all seem less depressing. YOU’RE WELCOME. 

Sweeney: 

It’s a good thing I already love you so much.

We start off with Buffy waking up and creepy Drusilla appearing behind her. It quickly becomes very obviously a dream sequence, but a dream sequence of an ominous nature, because those are the only kinds of dreams Buffy has. Or at least the only kind the audience gets to see. Willow is being a tad creepy, and there is a monkey (but he’s not wearing pants! He has a coat, but no pants!) Willow’s creepiness is soon forgotten, because this nightmare features Drusilla, whose creepiness is just on another level. Always. My sister noted that she gained additional points in that department by pulling “vampireception” on Buffy and “getting all up in her dreams.” Well said.

Anyway, Drusilla’s vampireception ends in her killing Angel and wishing Buffy a happy birthday. ROLL CREDITS, while I sit in a corner and sob. I think this is the first time I cheated and looked up how long Angel stayed on BtVS before the spin-off happened. ALL THE FOREBODING!

Lorraine: You guys know how much I love dream sequences, right? When Joyce said, “do you really think you are ready?” I was all, “oh, what up. This episode is going to be about sex, huh?” (S: I love you too.)

Also, a quick Google search has led me to several questionable pages that claim monkeys in dreams may represent your playful side. Or repressed sexuality.

Or, fuck it, maybe bananas.

K: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the monkey represents Oz, because of how he’s tiny, and he made the joke about the monkey Animal Cracker being French. Wikipedia backs me up, because apparently Willow says “The hippo stole your pants” in French to the monkey.

Lorraine: OH SURE IF YOU WANT TO BE LOGICAL ABOUT IT. 

Sweeney: I agree with everyone!

I am compensated for my terror, because after the credits, Buffy goes to Angel’s apartment to check on him and he’s shirtless and that’s swell. (Lor: YUP. K: BLURGH) Except he puts his shirt back on while Buffy explains the dream, which was less fun. (Lor: YUP.)  Buffy is all panicky and Angel is all, “CALM DOWN, I bet the rest of your dream was LOLtastic.” And then they remind us that they don’t know Dru’s still alive, but that conversation lasts .2 seconds before we switch to hardcore makeout times, interrupted by Buffy having to go to school. Which is also less fun.

K: My favourite part of the “What if Dru’s alive??” conversation is when Buffy says “We never saw her body!” Uh, no, honey. You wouldn’t have, even if she were dead. Because she’s a VAMPIRE. And vampires turn to ASHES. And Dru was in a FIRE. I’m pretty sure even Xander could join those dots. 

Sweeney: Valid point.

They make out some more (L: SLURP SLURP SLURP K: SERIOUSLY. The sound guys need to back off a little before I hurl) and then Angel points out that Buffy still hasn’t told him what she wants for her birthday. She says, “Surprise me.” BUFFY, THERE ARE NO GOOD SURPRISES ON THE HELLMOUTH. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? Then they have some awkward broody talk alluding to having sex, but not.

Lor: Buffy says she likes to see him before bed time, which just gives me all sorts of “tucking in” and “reading you a fairy tale story” sorts of connotations.

Sweeney: Then Buffy’s at school talking to Willow about this, reminding me that regardless of any other feelings that I have, Buffy & Willow > everyone else ever.

K: Aaaaand we’re going to take a moment to address the fact that Buffy is dressed like a waitress, with her skirt pulled up under her boobs for some reason, and also the fact that Willow is wearing a bizarre and fugly purple hat. Also, if someone can clear up for me whether Buffy is wearing knee high white socks a la Cher Horowitz, or if she’s wearing knee high white boots a la 1960s gogo dancer, that would be great:

Sweeney: Buffy assumes “carpe diem” means “fish of the day” and then awkwardly refers to having sex with Angel as “seizing.” My sister and I may have laughed at this longer than it warranted.

Girl talk switches to Willow and Oz. Willow is worried because Oz is a senior! To which Buffy is all, LOLFOREVER, “My boyfriend had a bicentennial.” Which, A+ and then a second one for telling Willow to move on from the Xander thing and go after Oz.

Willow does, in fact, go talk to Oz, and it’s supremely cute. He asks her out and then she realizes that she can’t because they’re throwing Buffy a surprise party. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT SURPRISES? It kills me that fictional characters aren’t reading our blog. Do you know how many of your problems you could avoid?

Whatever. Willow asks Oz to be her date to this Hellmouth Surprise Party, and he says yes, obviously.

Lor: I don’t know what it was about this scene. Maybe it was how wonderfully, awkwardly orchestrated it was, or maybe it was the light as it hit Oz just so, but I fell a little in love with him. And Seth Green looked… attractive? I’M SO CONFUSED.

K: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY, OZ AND WILLOW FEELS. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! (In case you guys missed it somewhere along the way, I have a small and embarrassing crush on Seth Green as a result of Oz.)

Sweeney: It’s nice that we can all agree on something. My Skype session with my sister looked an awful lot like Kirsti’s comment during this scene.

Meanwhile, Xander is trying to get Cordelia to go down that road too, and I almost feel bad for him. It’s pretty much the only time in the Xander/Cordelia relationship that I feel this way, so we can savor this moment.

But not too long, because then he’s creepy and pervy and greets Buffy with, “I feel a little pre-birthday spanking going on.” (K: NYAAAAAAAAAAGH. There are no words for how creepy this is. If I were Buffy, I’d have decked him by now) Ms. Calendar gets her lone good moment of this episode and also EVER by telling Xander to curb that impulse. Buffy tells Giles about the dream and he’s a lot more receptive to being on the alert.

Down in the basement lair, Spike has burn marks all over his face and is in a wheelchair and Drusilla is out and about, prepping for her big party. Spike really wants to GTFO, because Buffy has been non-stop bad news for them, but Drusilla wants to have her big coming out party. It takes her all of .2 seconds to go crazyfaced on the minions, because she’s Dru. Anyway, she opens one of the boxes, and we don’t get to know what’s in it, but we know it’s majorly bad, because it’s going to make this party, “THE LAST.”

In Buffy’s kitchen, she and Joyce are having a conversation about whether Buffy should be allowed to drive now that she’s 17. Joyce says, “Do you really think you’re ready, Buffy?” before dropping a dish, a thing that happened in Buffy’s dream. OMINOUS SOUND EFFECTS.

Lor: So, Joyce is actually talking about driving. But I’m pretty driving is just another metaphor. ALL THE METAPHORS.

Sweeney: At school Ms. Calendar has a weird visitor with a bad accent, because that’s a popular thing ’round here. I mentioned that this episode gives me ALLOFTHEFEELINGS, and one of those feelings is VINDICATION, because FUCK MS. CALENDAR. All these caps are required. This scene explains to us that Jenny is actually a member of the gypsy tribe that cursed Angel and she’s only in Sunnydale to watch him and make sure that he’s suffering. Bad Accent Man knows that Angel isn’t suffering as much. Ms. Calendar tells him that there’s a girl and that’s probably why. BAM (who is her uncle) tells her that she needs to shut that down ASAP.

Once more, before we move on: FUCK. MS. CALENDAR.

K: Seriously. There are really no words for how much I hate Ms. Calendar at this point in time. Also, BAM gives me the wiggins. 

Sweeney: Willow and Xander rush into the library filled with birthday cheer, but it’s sadpanda time because Buffy and Giles are discussing the dream coming true again. Buffy is freaked because dream!Dru “blindsided” Buffy, and she “didn’t even know it was coming.” Feelings. All the feelings. I think now it’s just a heavy dose of heartache and sadness.

Buffy is sent off to pretend to be happy, because all she can do for now is try to protect Angel. Willow and Xander are prepared to cancel the surprise party. Giles reminds me why he’s just amazing and why I love him so endlessly, because he’s all, “Fuck that noise. Buffy’s getting a party, danger or not.” Willow excitedly remembers that Angel’s presence at the party means that “she’ll be able to protect him, and have cake!” Hugs for you too, Willow.

That night, Buffy is again walking the halls of the school late at night and Ms. Calendar meets her in the hallway and insists that Giles wanted Ms. Calendar to take Buffy to meet him some place near his house. The audience is all, “NUH-UH. FUCK MS. CALENDAR.” She looks like she’s up to no good.

Ms. Calendar takes her to The Bronze, but there is bad stuff happening. Nerdy Minion & co. are stealing things. Fighting ensues!

The gang is inside, queued up to surprise her. Buffy’s fight goes through the window, and the gang watches as she stakes the last vamp and then has to confront the surprise party. Fine, Ms. Calendar, you weren’t up to anything awful right at this moment.

Lor: Still, though. Fuck Mrs. Calendar. I just temporarily took away the all caps.

Sweeney: That’s legit. Not up to evil at this moment? Fine, we’ll downgrade the all caps. The sentiment stands.

K: I’d like to know how they’re going to explain the broken window to the Bronze. Also, I’d like to know who paid to hire out the only club in town for Buffy’s birthday, and why there are ZERO members of staff there. It’s possible I think about things too much.

Sweeney: Due to the events of basically every single episode that we have watched up to now, and how long it would take me to explain all the damaged property that they haven’t had to explain, I am going to say yes, too much thinking.

Oz points out that someone just turned to dust and gets his introduction to the existence of vampires and is super chill about it. This is part of why he is utterly amazing.

K: +1.

Sweeney: Ms. Calendar then appears with the box that the vamps were stealing. Buffy opens it and a metal arm flies out and starts choking her. Angel saves her, and puts it back in the box, before explaining to the gang what the arm most likely belongs to. It’s called “The Judge,” which is a pretty badass name and doesn’t require a code name from us.

K: You know, I used to find this creepy. Then I watched the first episode of Doctor Who (New Who, not Classic Who, for those of you playing at home) where mannequins come to life, and now an arm that’s not attached to anything and likes to strangle people seems a little passe…

Sweeney: Angel and Giles (who obviously recognizes this name from knowing everything ever about all things demony; I think he reads Lor’s secret wiki) explain that The Judge was sent to rid the Earth of humanity and that an army was sent to kill him and no weapon could do the job. After a crapton of people died, they managed to dismember, but not kill, him and scatter the parts.

Buffy points out that the vampires she killed were Spike’s men, and Angel adds that Drusilla is just crazy enough to decide that bringing about Armageddon is a swell idea.

Ms. Calendar points out that Angel should probably be in charge of getting this arm far, far away from Sunnydale, because she’s a fucking life ruiner. She ruins people’s lives.

Lor: To clarify: she takes lives and ruins them.

Sweeney: Just to make sure you understand:

Buffy tries to come up with an alternative, and reminds Angel that it’s her birthday, in a very Sixteen Candles way. But, you know, saving the world takes priority again. Ms. Calendar breaks up their little moment to offer to drive Angel to the docks so he can catch the first cargo ship out of Sunnydale. Have we  mentioned this on the list of Big City amenities in this town that Cordelia introduced to us in the pilot as being mega tiny?

Lor: Remember the Pilot when some dude When Never Knew tells Darla you can see all of Sunnydale from the top of the gym? Apparently that’s including the airport, zoo and port! Weeeeee!

K: Sunnydale: it’s bigger on the inside. 

Sweeney: Down in the lair, Nerdy Vamp is still alive, but Dru is ready to kill him for losing the present. Handicapped!Spike reminds Dru that he’s their most useful minion, so she should at least let him try to get the thing back before she kills him. If I were Nerdy Vamp, I’d take this time to leave Sunnydale, but that’s just me.

Buffy and Angel have a really sad goodbye scene. I’m sure Kirsti is losing it over all the brooding (K: ACCURATE), but IT’S REALLY SAD. Buffy points out that Angel has no idea how long it will take, and whether she’ll actually live long enough for that to happen, due to the fact that “someone pretty much always wants us dead.”

Angel gives Buffy a Claddagh Ring as a parting gift. I hate to admit to this, but the first time I was introduced to the concept of this ring was in a particularly shitty piece of fan fiction.  Given the trauma that (even worse) published fan fiction has caused Lor and I, it creeps me out endlessly.

K: I kind of want one, but I want to buy it for myself. Because the idea of belonging to the person who gives it to you is skeevy. 

Sweeney: They kiss and Angel starts to speak, but it is interrupted by a vampire attack. It does not go well. One of the vampires throws Buffy into the water and Angel immediately abandons his mission of getting the box back to dive into the water after her. DUDE, SHE CAN ALMOST CERTAINLY SWIM.

Lor: Slayer swim. Which would probably be like her destroying the water as she goes.

K: Remember the last time Angel saw Buffy in water and she was all dead from being drowned by the Master? Just saying…….. 

Sweeney: That’s a fair point on its own, and all the more so because you’re the one bringing it up.

Back in the library, Xander is, once again, being a mega douche about the whole Angel/Buffy relationship. This is interrupted by Buffy’s return. She announces that the box was taken and that Ms. Calendar took Angel to go get clothing, and I immediately think, “WHAT ABOUT PROTECTING HIM?” because, you know, Fuck Ms. Calendar. I want that on a t-shirt.

K: Do NOT Google “Jenny Calendar t-shirt”, you guys. It brings up a terrifying amount of smutty Giles/Jenny fan fiction. *shudder*

Sweeney: Can we bring back the “Ew,” sequence from a few episodes ago?

Buffy had clothes at school (K: THE GIRAFFE PANTS ARE BACK!! Also, the clothes she had at school did NOT include a bra), which actually makes a lot of sense, but the fact that her hair is already dry does not. But such is life.

Giles explains that The Judge touches people and they die instantly and is majorly bad news. He also reminds us that “no weapon forged can kill him.” Bad news bears, Armageddon (again), etc., etc. They go into all-night research mode. Buffy falls asleep on a book. She has another nightmare, this one featuring Ms. Calendar and another super symbolic PRETTY WHITE VIRGINAL DRESS. (L: YAY. METAPHOR.) It’s more of a full-length nightgown than a dress. (L: ‘Cause of the sex.) It ends, again, with Dru killing Angel. He comforts her as she wakes up screaming.

Down in the lair, Dru’s party is going well. She’s dancing like a creepy weirdo. Then, with pretty little fanfare, it’s time to open the box. Cue awful special effects and The Judge laserlightshows into existence. He is blue and has horns and stuff. Like so:

The first thing he does is point out that Spike and Dru stink of humanity for sharing affection and jealousy. My favorite moment happens when he points to nerdy vamp, all excited, and says, “This one is full of feeling! He reads!”

Lor: And the Snark Squad says, “amen.”

K: Truth. I also feel the need to point out that the dude who plays The Judge is the same guy who played Luke waaaaaaaay back in the pilot episode. Whedon likes to recycle his actors, yo. (Oh, hai, Jonathon Woodward! Also, go look him up on IMDB. His profile picture is HILARIOUS)

Sweeney: The Judge needs to kill a few people for strength, so he has to have Nerdy Vamp brought to him in order to kill him. He does, and Dru loses her shit with excitement.

Buffy has a grand plan that involves her and Angel going to spy on Spike and Dru to see what’s going on, whether they have The Judge assembled. Buffy is not pleased because she saw this party in her second nightmare.

Unfortunately, The Judge has obviously been assembled, and he senses Buffy and Angel’s presence. They are captured. Angel is sizing up an escape plan that involves a television suspended in the air by chains. Buffy kicks The Judge in his armor and Angel manages to make the TV fall on them. This buys them enough time to escape.

Lor: Thankfully those TV’s capable of busting a hole in the cement were around?

K: Apparently CRT televisions are the Nokia 3310s of the television world! 

Sweeney: Outside, it’s raining and they run back to Angel’s apartment. He gives her some clothes to change into and get under the covers to warm up (K: UH HUH…). As she’s changing, she realizes that she has a cut. Angel goes to look at her wound and it quickly moves to brooding and feelings, as things so often do with them. They declare their love, and it’s all very dramatic, and I’m having a hard time with the snarky, even though it should be easy, because it’s got a bit of a soap opera feel to it.

Anyway, they kiss and we fade to black on the actual sex. We then cut directly to Angel waking up in agony and running outside into the night screaming Buffy’s name. You know, because nothing ever stays good for B on the Hellmouth. Also because I told her not to ask for surprises and she never listens.

It’s a big TO BE CONTINUED because most of my feelingsplosion happens in the next episode. I’m glad it’s Lor’s and not mine, because my post would just be, “You guys. I just can’t.”

Lor: Not gonna lie though, my email to the girls right after the fade to black on this episode was, “OKAY WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED, YOU GUYS. WHAT. THE. FUCK. DID THEY HAVE SEX AND DID IT IN FACT RUIN ANGEL OR SOMETHING.” I promise I’ll get the capslock out of my system before the actual post.

See you then, everyone!

Nicole Sweeney (all posts)

Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.

K (all posts)

I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.