Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 03 – Forever inappropriate.

Previously: Grey wins Ana back with threats of violence and a pre-loaded iPad full of the songs he probably listened to while sitting outside her window.

Lorraine: Ana says that not having a car is pretty awesome because it means that she’ll be able to listen to her iPad full of “wonderful tunes” on the bus to work. By the time she gets there, she’s smiling so much even her boss notices the difference. “You look… radiant,” he says and Ana thinks, “how inappropriate!” probably as she powers off her “sososorry I beat you, LOL” iPad, which is not inappropriate at aaaaall.

Sweeney:  He’s super sorry about the beating, except for the part where he’s not, because he actually thinks it was her fault for not using the safe word. It’s more of a “Sososorry I can’t trust you, but here’s a shiny thing to distract you from having to think so that we can avoid this problem in the future” iPad.

Lor: Absolutely true, but it doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Jack gives Ana some work to do, but instead of doing that she starts to email Grey about nothing at all relevant, entertaining or useful. We cut away to lunch time and Ana is eating a pastrami sandwich and listening to more songs on her Sososorry I Beat You Playlist. In case you hate life enough to be curious, the songs she mentions are Nitin Sawhney’s “Homelands,” and “Fantasia on a Theme of Thomas Talis” by Vaughn Williams.

Later that afternoon, Ana is bored and decides to email Grey some more. He informs her that her emails at SIP are monitored. Ana’s all, “how does Grey know my work emails are monitored?!?!!” and as much as I want to be all, “’cause they are work emails DUH,” it’s Christian mother fucking Grey. He probably tapped the owner’s cell phone or hacked a server or something else (say it with me) inappropriate.

Sweeney: WORD. Neither the fact that her work emails are monitored nor the fact that Christian Stalker Boyfriend Grey knows that emails are monitored should surprise her. But then, of course, this is also Anastasia Steele, who, as a narrator, regularly insults the reader with her inability to know things.

Lor: At the end of the day, Jack comes over to invite Ana for a drink with the rest of her co-workers at a bar named…

“50s.”

image

Before heading over to the bar, Ana goes to the bathroom to email Grey. She’s all, “hey, I’m going to a bar that reminds me of just how fucked up you are! Isn’t that hilar?” Okay, so what she actually writes is a lot less entertaining than my version and it features a joke about miners. So, you’re welcome, I fixed it. She invites Grey to join her for drinks because God forbid she do something without Grey!

Sweeney: It’s exhausting to point out all the ways this relationship is unhealthy, but it’s occasionally worth checking in: CODEPENDENCY YAY!

Lor: She checks herself out in the mirror and notices that she has color in her face and her eyes are shining and calls it the “Christian Grey effect.” I’m not going to deny the existence of such an effect but only clarify that the face color is repressed rage and the shininess in the eyes are tears. All the tears. A few emails from Grey? Insta-face color and eye moisture.

Outside, as Ana heads to the bar, she hears someone call her name. She turns and sees “an ahsen young woman,” with brown hair and brown eyes. Ana’s all,  “uh, can I help you?” The girl says that she just wanted to look at her. Ana realizes that the girl’s designer trench coat is two sizes too big for her and also that she looks “uncared for.” Interesting choice of words, immediately giving away that this girl is either a toddler OR  the Ghost of Submissives Past. This could be your future, Ana. You too could be wearing a too-large designer trench coat if your ways remain unchanged!

Sweeney: This is a super important PSA, girl. Pay attention!

Also, I am a major fan of Ghost of Submissives Past. Well done. You, with the naming, that is. Not E. L. with the introduction of throwaways characters who will, in reality, further condemn the validity of this relationship, but will, in Bullshit Book Land prove the strength of their undying LURVE4EVA when they overcome obstacles. Like the women he has ruined. (Besides us, that is.)

Lor: Thank you. I was pretty proud of that nickname. I’m proud of you for foreseeing all the bullshit we’re going to have to endure.

Ana asks TGoSP who she is, and she says she’s nobody. Ana notices a soiled bandage around her wrist before TGoSP walks away. Ana is super confused but thankfully at least there is one smart(ish) character in this book, Ana’s Subconscious. She’s hissing and head rearing and points out the obvious: TGoSP has something to do with Grey.

Sweeney: I kind of feel for Ana’s Subconscious. She’s the only character I have any empathy for. As awful as this is, we can always set the book down (or throw it at a wall) and come vent to the internet. Her poor subconscious is trapped in there, watching this horror movie scene as Ana generally ignores her DANGER! warnings.

Lor: At the bar, Ana has her drink and chats with her co-workers, not because she cares about people at all, but because she “needs a distraction.” Speaking with Claire the Receptionist reminds Ana that she hasn’t spoken to any girls her age since Kate went on vacation. Oh… Kate, yeah. Her. Ana “absently” wonders how she is. Just because, fuck it, whatever. She had nothing better to do in that one second.

Sweeney: Like, you know, actually being engaged in a conversation with someone who isn’t Grey, or not being entirely self/Grey-centered for any amount of time?

Lor: Don’t be silly, girl. That would never happen.

A little later, Jack traps Ana at the bar and apparently he’s a “close talker.” Ana feels uncomfortable the entire conversation but thankfully, Christian Grey is never too far away when there are men in Ana’s personal space!

“I feel him before I see him. It’s as if my whole body is highly attuned to his presence. It relaxes and ignites at the same time- a weird, internal duality- and I sense that strange pulsing electricity.”

SRSLY? She can sense him?

Christian comes over to piss on his hydrant, and it’s all murmured “hey baby”s, soft kisses and awkward introductions.

“I’m the boyfriend,” Christian says with a small, cool smile that doesn’t reach his eyes as he shakes Jack’s hand. I glance up at Jack who is mentally assessing the fine specimen of manhood in front of him.

LOL. Oh, God.

1.) “Fine specimen of manhood,” for real???

2.) How would you know Ana? How would you actually know what Jack is mentally assessing?

3.) Everyone that looks at Grey is not assessing his manhood. Sometimes people look at people when they are talking to each other. Just, FYI.

Sweeney: See above; Ana doesn’t understand how conversations work.

Lor: Jack is all, “Ana did mention an ex-boyfriend,” and she thinks, “you don’t want to play that game with Fifty.” Mostly because the remainder of that pet name is, “Shades of Fucked Up.”

Grey clarifies that he’s no longer an ex, thanks to that sweet Sososorry I Beat You Playlist. He doesn’t mention that, but I like to every chance I can.

Grey is all, “let’s go baby,” because he’s the most affectionate with her when he’s doing it in a possessive way.

Since EL James sucks at writing and her plot points are thin, transparent and, oh yeah, STOLEN FROM ANOTHER WORK OF FICTION, it’s pretty clear to me that Jack isn’t a good guy. I’m not sure what his Twilight equivalent  is but I’m putting my money on “a bad vampire.” In fact, we might have discussed this already. Anyways, the point is that even knowing all that,  in a showdown between Jack and Grey, Jack comes off as the lesser jerk. Maybe I just hate Grey a lot.

Sweeney: We did discuss it, because it was my first thought when I read Jack. His Twilight equivalent is a totally contrivancey vampire named James whose sole objective in the book is to murder Bella. Like, first, they’re playing baseball and he smells her and is all, “Ooh, human! NOMS!” but Edward’s all, “NO, I LOVE HER! NO NOMS!” and then James seeks vengeance on Edward for denying him noms. Unfortunately for everyone, he is murdered before he gets his noms and the series continues.

Lor: This is the best summary I’ve ever read, ever. I love you.

They hop in Grey’s abductimobile (yay! Add “abduct” to anything and it becomes perfect for Grey!) and there is some stupid, flirty “your place or mine” exchange. Then, Grey changes the conversation completely:

“Your boss, Jack Hyde, is he good at his job?”

Oooh gosh. This can’t be good.

Ana is all, “why are you asking? I’m not interested in him.”

“That’s the point. He wants what’s mine. I need to know if he’s good at his job.”

WAIT, WHAT?

“He makes one move, you tell me. It’s called gross moral turpitude–or sexual harassment.”

We interrupt my previous outrage to laugh and laugh and laugh at Grey even saying sexual harassment. LOL.

“I mean it. One move and he’s out.”
“You don’t have that kind of power.” Honestly! And before I roll my eyes at him, the realization hits me with the force of speeding freight truck. “Do you Christian?”
Christian gives me his big enigmatic smile.
“You’re buying the company,” I whisper in horror.

And then:

“You’ve bought it. SIP. Already.”
He blinks at me warily. “Possibly.”
“You have or you haven’t?”
“Have.”

GUYS.

Let’s just wrap our heads around this for a second. I mean, let’s not even talk about the impossibility of Grey conducting all of his business based solely on how he can best stalk his girlfriend. Let’s just talk about what this means:

1.) HE JUST BOUGHT THE COMPANY WHERE SHE WORKS. Why? “Because I can,” he says. “I need you safe,” he says. “It’s for your own good,” says ever abuser, ever. This is completely INAPPROPRIATE. FOREVER.

Sweeney: FOREVER AND EVER. I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND.

This was one of those moments that made me hate e-readers because I can’t throw an e-reader across the room. Guys, if this blog has taught you anything, it should be that some books deserve to be thrown at the wall.

Lor: 2.) They’ve been back together for ONE DAY. Was he at some point attempting to buy the business where his ex-girlfried worked? WHAT THE FUCK?

Grey is then all, “whoopsies are you mad at me?” and at least for her part, Ana is. I don’t really count on her staying mad but let’s enjoy the initial reaction:

Of course I am mad at you,” I seethe. “I mean, what kind of responsible business executive makes decisions based on who they are currently fucking?”

Sweeney: We all know where this is going, but can we just take a moment to pause here at this completely accurate, legitimate point that Ana has raised? Can we just stop her here, because I am fairly certain it’s her high point as a character?

Lor: Grey’s stupid response is that they haven’t actually fucked, “in a long time” (uh, like 7 days?) and that he’s always wanted to go into publishing.

Uh-huh. Right. Sure you have.

This is all even more deeply disturbing if you will remember that Grey asked Ana to work for him, and she said no. SO HE BOUGHT THE COMPANY SHE DID END UP WORKING FOR.

I feel justified in this gif recycle.

Sweeney: This book requires all the finger gun gifs. Every single one ever.

Lor: Ana is pissed off for one more second but then Grey SMILES AT HER and that’s basically it.

“Just because I have a stupid damn grin on my face doesn’t mean I’m not mad as hell at you,” I mutter breathlessly, trying to suppress my high-school-cheerleader giggling. Though I was never cheerleader – the bitter thought crosses my mind.

LOLWHUT? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

Your boyfriend just bought the company you work for to keep tabs on you, BUT YOU HAVE A SECOND TO BE BITTER ABOUT NOT BEING A CHEERLEADER IN HIGH SCHOOL?

Sweeney: I can’t possibly get over how easily she let this go. I HATE HER SO MUCH. SHE IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST EVER, AND I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT.

Lor: They go inside Ana’s apartment and they switch gears from “look at this new way you’ve found to control me” to “YAY SEXY TIMES!” Ana tries to touch him but he backs off. She thinks the same thing I’m pretty sure we’ve all thought: why is it okay to touch him sometimes and sometimes not? Ana says she’s going to have use a marker to road-map his psychosis. Grey’s all, “not a bad idea.”

Please tell me that Crayola Body Mapping is not a thing that actually happens in the future. Please.

Grey asks if she’s been taking her pill, but no, she hasn’t. He left and she became uncared for. She stopped eating and taking her pill and also being abused, but he did that because he cared.

“You need to eat and so do I,” he murmurs, burning eyes gazing down at me. “Besides… anticipation is the key to seduction, and right now, I’m really into delayed gratification.”

Maybe you should’ve waited a few days then, TO BUY THE COMPANY SHE WORKS FOR. Asshole.

Anyways, Ana’s all, “I want to have sex with you,” and Grey’s all, “you need to eat food.” So, even though Ana wants to have sex, they go grocery shopping instead. I shit you not.

Back at the apartment, Ana feels almost normal as she starts cooking for him, but it also reminds her how very little she knows Grey. When she says that out loud, he assure her she knows him better than anyone. Ana thinks probably not better than MRS. RAPE, because you know, she raped him during his formative years.

Sweeney: I hear that’s a great way to get to know people on the murderer/stalker circuit. Like a mixer for psychopaths.

Lor: Ana keeps purposefully brushing up against Grey as they cook together until he can’t take it anymore and says they will eat later. They turn off the stove and the sex scene that follows is a lot of, “tell me what you want,” and Ana giving exceptional instructions like, “undress me” and “kiss me” and “make love to me.” Which, in case you were wondering, are also known as having sex.

Seriously, Grey keeps trying to get her to say, “vagina” and the most she can do is point to that general area. It’s super uncomfortable how embarrassed Ana is by sex and somehow society has decided that this is ideal erotica: women should be ignorant and embarrassed and men should be controlling and buy their SO’s company. Something like that.

I’d recap the sex more details, but it’s the same sex they’ve been having across a book and a little. Also, I think I’ve dealt with enough in this chapter.

Sweeney: He “produces” the foil packet again, though, and I laughed/cheered. His little factory worker manufacturing of condoms goes well with his delayed gratification thing.

Lor: He probably once dated a girl who worked at a condom plant. He bought that out too.

BECAUSE IN CASE YOU FORGOT, HE BOUGHT THE COMPANY SHE WORKS FOR.

Sweeney: Yeah, I was trying to do Ana’s whole selective-memory-for-actual-trauma thing and pretend that never happened.

Lor: Pfft. Good luck.

 

Murmur Count – 13
Whisper Count – 6

Favorite comment last post: With all the fuckery (note to Christian: this does not mean what you think it means) in this chapter, this is what got me: Christian finishes paying. How hard is it? You give them your credit card,. They come back with a piece of paper. You sign it & put away your card. End of transaction. Of course, my first thought was that the rest of us may never finish paying for having read this – even second-hand. -Reba

Next time on Fifty Shades Darker: Who is this Ghost of Submissives Past? Find out in Chapter 4.
 

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Sweeney (all posts)

I collect elaborate false eyelashes, panda gifs, and passport stamps. I earned my MA in Global Communications and watching too many YouTube videos. Now people pay me to edit YouTube videos. The circle of life. Reconciling my aversion to leaving the house/wearing pants with my deep desire to explore everything is my life's great struggle.





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  • Pingback: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 02 – How To Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend()

  • My mum has just come back from a cruise and FSoG has just appeared on her nightstand. I keep trying to get her to read this blog so she realises how bad the books are but she won’t listen to me… I feel as if my last option is to burn the book!

    • Oh no mum! NOT YOU TOO! SAVE YOUR MUM!

  • Every time I read one of your recaps I think it cannot possibly get worse…and then it does!!! He bought the fucking company??? So much bullshit in this one chapter I wonder why it still amazes me.I will never understand why women think this whole story is romantic and sexy and *insertwordofchoicehere* Ugh, so much stupididty, I hope they never reproduce. Could you imagine what their children would be like? Too stupid to function properly. Ok, better stop now before the swear-police sets out to get me.

    • HE BOUGHT THE COMPANY. It seriously makes me want to laugh cry. Why is this a plot point that is okay?? WHY? How is this romantic? How is this realistic? I suppose I understand if James wanted to create some sort of flawed romantic lead but this is beyond flawed. BEYOND. And it doesn’t help the situation that Ana does not have a proper response to it. Think about what you would do if the guy you were dating for about 6 weeks bought out the company you work for. THIS IS NOT OKAY EVER.

      Sorry. I just have so many strong feelings and more and more I cannot understand why anyone would defend this, ever.

      • I love you so much, Lor, that I bought out Little Debbie since I know you love Zebra Cakes. (Is this an okay plot point?)

      • Preaching to the choir there…

  • I wonder if Christian has a manager for all the businesses he’s purchased in relation to people he likes to beat the shit out of and then condemn for forgetting safe words, otherwise known as “girlfriends.” Seriously, this guy has to have about 30 companies under his thumb that are purely related to some twit he’s fucked. And does this Manager of Stalker Companies also manage all the other random purchases Moneybags de Sade makes? Like every single portrait that Josecob had in his gallery? Also, does this person expedite the process of purchasing a company? Because I’m fairly certain you can’t just walk in and go “Hi, my abused moron of a girlfriend works here. I’ll pay you anything you want so that I can track her every move and ensure that her boss will get fired should he even hint at her being pretty, despite the fact I enjoy knocking her around a bit and forcing her to have sex in boat-houses or any other time where she says no.”

    Side Note: Sweeney, darling, don’t throw your e-reader. Just walk into a bookshop, grab a copy of each book in the series, and dramatically throw it at the floor. Include tears so that people think you’ve been emotionally scarred by this atrocity and will hopefully leave it alone.

    • OMG can you imagine the job posting for that position. “High powered CEO is looking for manager for his stalker related acquisitions. Applicant must be incredibly organized and able to work in the moral gray.” Etc. I didn’t even want to think about the “real life” impossibility of this timeline or decision from a business perspective. Imagine if he has a board of directors. “Hey guys, how does publishing sound??” UH. NO.

      That would be amazing if Sweeney did that. We could flash mob book stores and just throw these books around.

      • I would so want to be on Christian’s board of directors. I don’t care how fucking mental he is or that he might want to beat me some day (because that’s what you do to the women in your life, obviously). I would want to be on his board just to go absolutely mental at him for being so completely creepy and not seeking the help that he so clearly needs. Also to veto any stupid decisions like BUYING A PUBLISHING COMPANY BECAUSE HIS VICTIM/GIRLFRIEND WORKS THERE.

        And I would pay to watch the FSG/FSD/FSF Flash Mob terrorise book stores.

    • I NEED TO MAKE THIS A THING.

    • Yvonne Martin

      Moneybags de Sade… Best description EVER. I know this is five years later and all but just had to give credit for that one 🙂

  • Guest

    I love when you include paragraphs from the book, because it shows just how poorly written it is and WHY ON EARTH WOULD ANYONE ENJOY THIS.

  • Julia

    Why didn’t Ana just pull a Spice Girls on Grey? “Tell me what you want, what you really really want.” “I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want.” “So tell me what you want, what you really really want.” And repeat. They could have done this for about three pages, Grey gets mad, flogs her, and then Ana, being a ditz, decides that “Oooooh maybe it will feel good if I wrap it around my neck!” Ana dies, we rejoice. BAM. SERIES OVER.

  • Julia.B

    When I first read the part about Ana sensing out Christian I couldn’t help but think that she had some sort of Christian Grey Spidy sense. I guess because Ana was beaten by Grey it’s equivalent to being bitten by a spider..Makes sense…God I hate this book..

  • Sisssy

    Crayola Body Mapping happens, sorry!

  • Clare

    So I have just found a ‘Grow a Mr.Grey’ novelty gift thing. I’m so mad right now. There are no words. http://www.riverisland.com/women/gifts–cosmetics/stocking-fillers/Grow-your-own-Mr-Grey-630026

  • Reba

    Not to inject reality up in here, but companies are not bought in a matter of days. It takes, at minimum, weeks. Sometimes months. Often years. There are documents and agreements, and lawyers do not work fast. Maybe Christian’s would, but that does not obligate the other side’s attorneys to move with any speed and, in fact, is likely to motivate them to drag their feet to see how much more they can get out of this stupid bastard who has zero experience in publishing and an obsessive personality disorder.

    The other thing that tweaks me is that Ana is not smart enough to send the emails from a private account or her phone. Gmail is free, and unless your boss has a keystroke tracker on your system, the company won’t be able to track the ways in which you waste their fucking money. Because this is a JOB and you are supposed to be doing WORK, Ana. Honestly, I want to go in there and fire her myself.

    Why yes, I am totally avoiding talking about the relationship stuff because *stab stab stab* doesn’t make for good exposition.

  • Kathryn Daniel

    I love the image of Ana using the iPad to listen to tunes on a bus, no doubt texting with that cutting edge Blackberry. E.L. does know you don’t need a physical keyboard in the hardware to do that anymore, right? She does know of combined cell phone/mp3 players, right? What am I saying. Of course she doesn’t. Rock on with your giant iPad stocked with soccer mom tunes, Ana. Rock on.

  • Leah Martin

    Can I just point out that “seethe” is not really a word that is interchangeable for speaking, like “murmur,” which E.L. James is so fond of? It means to be in a state of agitation or excitement. It doesn’t really have anything to do with speaking.

  • “I kind of feel for Ana’s Subconscious.
    She’s the only character I have any empathy for. As awful as this is, we
    can always set the book down (or throw it at a wall) and come vent to
    the internet. Her poor subconscious is trapped in there…”

    HAHA!! XD Best quote…ever!! 😀

    Btw, I loved your rendition of Twilight, Lor!! It was the best summary of the book I’ve ever come across, You girls are so talented!!

  • Reba

    So, I spent the weekend watching classic films, and it occurs to me that this story owes as much to My Fair Lady by way of Pretty Woman as it does to the novel that spawned it. (Then again, Edward could be based on a younger version of the Richard Gere character of the same name, even if Bella has not a tiny bit of Vivian’s spark…but I digress.) We have a wealthy man attempting to “remake” a naive/ignorant younger woman into his ideal woman without any consideration for what she might want or the emotional consequences of his actions. Prof. Higgins was an ass, and at the end of the movie (or play, for you purists), he is still an ass and Eliza has, inexplicably, decided to return to him. At least Vivian turned down the first offer and made Edward acknowledge her agency, even if she did give it up two minutes later.

    This model has never, ever appealed to me nor seemed romantic. The power differential alone makes it squicky. The damage done to the women who are, in essence, dress up dolls for self-absorbed men is never examined beyond the surface. The men are never held accountable, much less suffer their own consequences for being controlling jerks. And yet, this trope persists, its popularity waxing and waning, for reasons we probably don’t want to examine too closely. I don’t know if that makes E.L. James’ multiple sins better or worse.,

    • Debbie Jane

      fun fact: in Bernard Shaw’s “Pgymalion” (the non-musical script which was later adapted into My Fair Lady) Liza totally DOESN’T come back to Higgins. She’s like, “Eff you, I can do what I want now” and it ends. It’s actually kind of amazing.

      • Yep, and as originally conceived, Vivian doesn’t go off with Edward but instead goes to Disneyland with Kit. Both of those endings are far more satisfying to me, and far more realistic.

  • Kyasarin

    Ugh. Reading the way sex happens in this book is just weird, like it’s either a big mysterious event or some holy experience requiring a hymn. E. L. James must have really bad sex if she couldn’t make her fictional characters have good and/or kinky sex. The construed BDSM relationship is not kinky at all.

  • Pingback: Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 04 – The Interminable List of Things That Will Not Stop Christian Grey()

  • Strawberry_Pocky_Moose

    ‘Christian comes over to piss on his hydrant’ – yep, and that’s exactly what Ana is to him in public; fucking territory that he can mark as his own and get possessive over. The only time he shows her affection is when it’s also a warning sign to other males. Why is this what women want!!?? Also, y’all used a David Mitchell gif. I LOVE YOU FOREVER NOW.

  • Guest
  • Pingback: The Seven Worst Christian Grey Moments in Fifty Shades Darker()

  • DeltaJuliet

    “I glance up at Jack who is mentally assessing the fine specimen of manhood in front of him.”
    Manhood? Did he have his penis out???? Because that would be AWESOME!

  • Angela

    I hear you with the “I’M DONE” gif. I hear you.

    “Grey asks if she’s been taking her pill, but no, she hasn’t.”
    Course not. Because that would be sane and responsible, and we can’t have that in our twisted, FUBAR story!
    Thank god for your recaps, because I seriously would’ve rammed my head through the nearest wall by this point were I actually reading this series.

  • Jessie

    How did you blink warily? I’m also concerned that Ana didn’t report any whiplash, after a freight truck of realisation slammed into her.

    • I have this dream of putting together a vlog of us trying to do some of the facial expressions ELJ describes. I’m adding “blink warily” the list, obvs.

      • Jessie

        Can’t wait!

  • Jessica t

    My boyfriend got me an iPad…and i didn’t have to be beaten or anything! It’s to play FarmVille and listen to Derek Jacobi read me the same book over and over. (Ya know things I like and give me a personality unlike our special snowflake Ana)

  • Jennie M. Lacy

    I can’t believe I’m sorta about to defend Twilight…

    You point out many times how irritatingly ridiculous it is that Every. Character. Ever. is immediately hypnotized by Christian Grey’s looks. Since he’s Edward, this actually makes sense, because in Twilight, vampires are not only exceptionally, amazingly beautiful creatures, but they also kinda have this subliminal pheromone-like effect on humans. It’s a quasi-biological phenomenon that makes the predator seductive and irresistible to their prey. Or some such. In the context of vampires and humans, it makes a modicum of sense.

    Yet another thing in the approaching-infinity list that no longer makes sense when you take vampirism out of it, and don’t bother to maintain continuity by re-editing your stolen character’s traits in the least, at all, no, not at all, not even a little bit.

    • It’s been so long since this project ended, but I distinctly recall many moments where my stint as a Twilight fan made the whole thing so much more uncomfortable for me. “Oh my god, am I going to defend it right now?” I usually kept that to myself. Usually.

  • Dani

    I concur that Sweeney’s summary is one of the best…. ever.

    • It’s even better now that I’ve read Twilight.

  • Alicia

    Ana looks radiant after meeting with Grey because she can’t function without Grey in her life even though she managed just fine before he came along? She probably cried less before he came along, too.

    How many songs can Grey use to say “sosorryibeatyoubutnotreally”? And Ana is probably analyzing every damn song on there. Of course she ignores work to email Grey, these characters only have fake jobs.

    “How does Christian know my emails are monitored?” Uhhh wow Ana, where have you been for the past book? Plus, duh, it’s a work email and generally shouldn’t be used for personal messages….

    ELJ was probably too lazy to Google a bar name so she just stole her own work and used ’50s, because OF COURSE, everything in this series is revolved around Christian Grey. As for codependency, me and my boyfriend have been together long distance for two years. We see each other every weekend, but in the in between times, we have our own lives. Probably when we live together, we are going to be hermits and ignore the world (mostly because I’m sick of being ignored by people and tired of trying). But, that’s different than co-dependency. When you just meet someone and can’t go a day without seeing them, yea, I’ve known a few people who are like that in their relationships and it’s really annoying looking at it from the outside. It’s like, “Hey, I’m trying to be your friend over here, wanna hang out? Oh, you’re busy with your crush, just like you are everyday….sigh”.

    The girl looking “uncared for” is an interesting choice of words. So Ana believes that if a woman is not put together it means someone isn’t caring for her? It’s true though, because after Ana broke up with Christian, she couldn’t even eat, and only ate when Christian told her to, and she cried a lot, so she probably looked a lot like this other woman. Only men can make a woman look radiant.

    The entire book is Grey/Ana-centered. Nobody else, not even the sort of main side characters, matters, and they have very little interaction with anyone else. It’s a tool abusers use, to isolate their victims from everyone. The only other characters that have any impact on the story is Mrs. Rape, because of what she did in the past mostly, and Jack Hyde, but he’s the worst villain in the history of villains.

    Being able to sense someone’s “electricity” is shit. Yeah you can sense when someone is watching you but you usually can’t tell if it’s a specific person. I guess, Ana can tell when Grey is watching because nobody else matters? As for the “fine specimen of manhood” wtf? And how does Ana know what Jack is assessing? Most people look at the person they are talking to. It’s also great that Grey introduces himself as Ana’s boyfriend, WHEN THEY HAVEN’T EVEN DECIDED ON GETTING BACK TOGETHER OFFICIALLY. And since Grey is back, it’s time for him and Ana to go off together so they don’t have to interact with any other characters for a while.

    If Grey has always wanted to go into publishing, why hasn’t he before this? You know, bought a publishing company that is more stable with its money situation? Nope, instead he went out and bought a company that isn’t doing well financially, merely because Ana (his ex) is working there. If she wasn’t working there, he’d have no interest in publishing.

    And now that they are back at his place, it’s time for sex, forget the real serious conversation they should be having about him BUYING THE COMPANY HIS EX WORKS AT without even notifying her first. Because he’s Christian Grey, billionaire, and he can do what he wants, dammit. Fuck everyone else’s feelings. Even a discussion about it would make no difference, I suppose. But since Ana wants to have sex, they go grocery shopping instead, lol. And then when they get back the sex doesn’t take long to happen so might as well not have even gone grocery shopping at all.

    “Grey keeps getting her to say ‘vagina’, and the most she can do is point to that general area.” This reminds me of a scene that happened recently in the After recaps, where Hardin is trying to get Tessa to say ‘vagina’ and other things, but she won’t and is embarrassed and they stop the sex. I’m gonna say Anna Todd copied and pasted that part, except that in 50 Shades the sex continues.