Buffy the Vampire Slayer S03 E07 – Drinking at the table of ugh.

Previously: The evil mayor conspired to make the grownups of Sunnydale regress to teenagerness and it was awesome.

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Revelations
Sweeney: We begin at the Bronze with Oz playing and his lead singer wearing some really unfortunate cammo pants that make me realize how much I don’t miss the ’90s.

Lorraine: I didn’t see them. I was slightly blinded by his wailing.

K: Seriously. They may have gone from playing Buffy’s living room to playing The Bronze, but Devon’s singing is no bueno.

Sweeney: Willow and Xander are watching from their table of guilt and shame. Last time a commenter pointed out that we were focused explicitly on Oz getting hurt, so let me say, right now, that knowing this was coming is part of why I was always harsher with Xander in the Xander/Cordelia relationship struggles, because, FUCK. Remember when Cordelia was willing to stay with Xander even though he was maybe a fish? Meanwhile, as that commenter rightly points out, Xander has always been wishy-washy on this relationship. Cordelia may be a bitch, but that’s rough.

Anyway, the Scoobies are also speculating about Buffy’s love life, and that she probably has one that she is currently keeping secret.  Buffy appears to tell the gang that she is going out with someone that night. Just as they ask who, Faith shows up.

Lor: Adorable. Willow better watch her back, or else I’m going to start shipping Buffy and Faith.

K: Given that Willow’s kind of a Faith fangirl at this point, I’m sure she’d probably be on board with that.

Sweeney: Cut to slayage, while Giles half-watches and, as usual, cleans his glasses.

Lor: There is a pretty neat shot where they slay their respective demons, back to back and then high five each other. Slaying vampires definitely earns a nice high five.

K: Also, can we go ahead and replace synchronised swimming with synchronised slaying in the Olympics??

Sweeney: Support the movement!

Before Giles can say anything, post-slayage, we hear a super critical British woman. Faith asks who the hell this bitch thinks she is (I feel that I am only putting words back in Faith’s mouth after keeping it television friendly took them out.) The answer? Gwendolyn Post, FAITH’S NEW WATCHER. Roll credits!

After the credits, Faith is telling New Watcher Lady that she is not a fan of authority figures, what with them often ending up dead. New Watcher Lady insists that it’s not up to Faith and then sets out to mock and belittle Giles’ beloved Wiggins Library. Bitch.

She says that she is there not only to replace Faith’s dead Watcher, but also to report to The Council on the entire situation in Sunnydale, which includes Giles. The Council believes that Giles has become too American.

K: Oh please. He still drinks tea. Out of a teapot. Also, I feel the need to point out that New Watcher Lady is played by Kristin Scott-Thomas’ sister. I would hate to attend Christmas dinner at their house – “I see your Oscar nomination for The English Patient and raise you a guest role on Buffy the Vampire Slayer!”

Sweeney: Truth. New Watcher Lady introduces the Freak of the Week, a demon named Lagos who is after some sort of magical glove.

New Watcher Lady says that they need to start looking for a tomb where the glove is hidden, so they should head to the cemetery. LOL Hellmouth, y’all, there are twelve cemeteries! NWL says that starting the next day they’ll have to search them all one-by-one, and makes Faith leave with her.

After she departs, Buffy suggests killing NWL. Giles says something about training being a good idea, so we cut to Buffy joining shirtless Angel in the weird interpretive dancing. It gets a little hands on, which is a no-no, so cue Twinkly Pianos of Sadness. They go for a kiss in slow motion, as that’s the natural flow from their interpretive dance of feelings, but Buffy stops short.

They have a boring conversation about how they can’t, but old habits, and it’s difficult, and whatever. I’m Angel/Buffy4eva, but this inbetweensie crap is no fun. It’s necessary, of course, but decidedly unfun.

K: Seriously. Shit or get off the pot, B.

Lor: I had a note to mention this, but I’m seeing why any form of “Angel and Buffy” brings on the groans for some people. UGH WE GET IT.

Sweeney: Buffy says something about “cold turkey” being the key to quitting, which makes no sense, what with her stopping by the cemetery for the interpretive dancing. B makes small talk about the freak of the week, and Angel has an, “I KNOW THAT GUY!” reaction, but doesn’t actually say anything besides, “Be careful.”

Back at the library Giles is frustrated because NWL messed with his head and now his books are failing him. No Lagos or the glove! He tells the Scoobies to get heavy with the research, except the Scoobies consist of Willow and Xander at this point in time and it’s late and UGH, WHY ARE THEY ALONE TOGETHER AND WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Willow starts massaging her head, so Xander jumps in to do it for her because Whedon is trying to upset me. (K: Upsetting fans is what Whedons do best.) Willow tells him to stop and he says, “Right. Stop means no. And no means no. So…” He says this rather slowly and doesn’t actually stop until he finishes saying this, which annoys me. But it doesn’t annoy me anywhere near as much as when Willow STARTS MAKING OUT WITH HIM. STOP IT.

Giles appears and tells them that he figured out where the magic glove is, but he’s too buried in his book to see their expressions of serious shame. It’s at some crypt and since Giles doesn’t know Buffy’s whereabouts, Xander offers to go off and find it alone. Time for Snark Squad crossover game time, because this would be a perfect time to add “AND THEN HE DIES.” Unfortunately, that game is always followed by, “JUST KIDDING.”

Lor: The Sunnydale modification would definitely include, “AND THEN THEY COME BACK AGAIN.” Also, I love Giles busting their chops here. I know he’s suffering a temper tantrum all his own, but when he pissily tells Willow that they are done, I’d like to imagine he knows what’s been happening the book stacks. AND HE DOES NOT APPROVE.

Sweeney: Elsewhere, Faith is telling Buffy how she can’t trust guys, but Buffy insists that you can trust SOME GUYS. *cough* Faith tries to get Buffy to talk about her relationship history, insisting that she has to have some stories, since she “boinked the undead.” Buffy gets really defensive because her Angel issues are still kind of with her. Faith backs down, but is clearly a tad hurt. I hate this moment. I hate it because while I understand Buffy’s general secrecy on this front, I really do believe that she could have made Faith understand if she’d tried. Faith, having not been there, can only take everyone’s respective words for it. She doesn’t carry any of the Angelus emotional baggage that the others do and while her shit is different from Buffy’s shit, she has an acute understanding of the isolation that accompanies being a slayer. I just want so badly for Buffy to at least try to be less guarded here. Instead, she does the Buffy thing and keeps to herself, pushing Faith (who has absolutely nobody else in the world) away, and effectively setting the tone for much of what follows between them. It kills me to watch.

K: +1.

Sweeney: So, Faith says that they should call it a night, but she’ll hit the one last cemetery alone on her way back. Once she gets there, she runs into a bad guy, which is super exciting for her. It’s always understood that characters displaying such enthusiasm for Things That Can Kill You is an omen for Things Not Working Out As Planned. The demon beats her around and gets away, but doesn’t actually kill her.

Elsewhere in the dark of the Sunnydale night, Xander is off musing to himself about his potential to get killed, a much appreciated nod to the AND THEN SHE DIES game. He sees something, and it’s none other than Angel, strolling around the cemetery at night, with a big suspicious cloth-wrapped bundle. Xander follows Angel back to the Brooding Bungalow, where he witnesses him making out with Buffy. GASP.

Close up on the making out and then they stop with more NO! WE CAN’T! WUT R WE DOING!? Then Angel’s all, “I’ve got what you need.” BOW CHICKA. No, jaykay, he means the magic glove. Buffy starts to pick it up but he stops her because once you put it on it can’t be taken off. “So, no touching — kind of like us,” says Buffy. FEELS. Too many feels.

Lor: Yeah, no. Sorry. I’m all feeled out on them and am just looking forward to resolution or the end. I FEEL LIKE A TRAITOR.

Sweeney: AS YOU SHOULD. But also, I knew I’d end up alone on Feels Island soon enough.

Back at Giles’ place he is briefly excited about discovering something useful before being ripped up again by that horrible woman who really needs to get the fuck out. Kirsti, I no longer like knowing the future; IT’S TOO STRESSFUL.

K: TRUTH.

Sweeney: Bitchface moves her nasty comments to Buffy and Giles is really quick to shut that down because you can hate on his library and even his research skillz, but nobody talks shit about his slayer. He is assuring her that everything is totes fine with Buffy just as my least favorite useless douchenozzle runs in to warn Giles about a srsbsns problem with Buffy. GET OUT, XANDER. YOU AND BITCHFACE. GET OUT!

The next day, Buffy enters the Wiggins Library excitedly proclaiming the magic glove found, only to find her good news met by a room full of forlorn Scoobies. Giles tells Buffy to take a seat, which is never a good sign. Intervention time!

Kind of like this, except with less Barney and more Xander.

“Nobody’s here to blame you, Buffy, but this is serious. You need help,” says Willow. Xander jumps in with his expected hostile doucheness. “This isn’t about attacking Buffy. Remember – I statements only. I feel angry. I feel worried,” Willow adds.

Cordelia points out that Angelus was far more interested in killing Buffy’s friends, and Giles adds that Buffy must have known it was wrong or she wouldn’t have hidden it.

Lor: I’m actually okay with Cordy’s self-centered approach here, at least it isn’t self-righteous. Which. Wait for it.

Sweeney: Agreed. Both for being okay now and, you know, waiting for it:

Buffy says she didn’t know why he was back and wanted to wait, though she doesn’t know for what. More accusations are thrown around and Oz mentions that Buffy was seen kissing Angel. Buffy gets angry with Xander for spying on her. Then she goes back to defensive/explanation mode to insist that it was just that one accidental occasion (which is probably not true in real life as often as it is on television; if you’re on a TV show, the odds are super high that it really was JUST THAT ONE TIME.)  Buffy starts to swear that if she thought anything was going to happen to any of them and is cut off by Xander: “You’d stop him? Like you did with Ms. Calendar?”

I hate him so. fucking. much. It’s a toss-up between this moment and the moment at the party for “Most infuriating things Xander has said/done this season.” Xander’s willful ignorance for the feelings of others is mind-numbing. He sucks. I’m sorry Xander-defenders. You’re welcome to take to the comments and tell me I’m wrong, but sorryI’mnotsorry: he just sucks.

K: +1. Dude deserves a Slayer knee in the nuts for his repeated “Oh, you’re hurting? Let me turn the knife a little more”-ing.

Lor: Additionally, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Get back to me when you aren’t using prime, “let’s help stop a demon after a magical glove that could ruin the world,” time as infidelity time, asshole. He does indeed suck.

Sweeney: Willow jumps in with the tact thing and the general Reminding Me Why I Love Her Even Though She’s Doing Things She Shouldn’t With Douche Face and points out, accurately, that when it comes to Angel, Buffy isn’t really the best judge.

Unhelpfully, Buffy insists that Angel is all better and is guarding the magic glove! This time I can’t be too mad at Xander, because she pretty much set him up for this one. He grumbles that leaving the Apocalypse Glove with the monster is not a good idea. Buffy starts after him about looking for excuses to attack Angel, to which Xander (again I begrudgingly admit: accurately) points out that the actual body count constitutes a reason, rather than an excuse.

Giles, who has been relatively silent and stern, tells everyone that Buffy’s heard their concerns, but she also has her reasons for their actions. He sends them off to class. LOL CLASS. I forget that they do that sometimes.

K: I’m going to pause for a moment of light relief, and point out that once again, Slayers apparently don’t feel the cold. AT ALL.

Sweeney: Buffy loiters to give a rambly “Thanks bro!” kind of speech to Giles who cuts her off and expresses his very valid concerns to her in private, and not by way of trying to cut her down to size in front of everyone, as is Xander’s preferred method. Sorry, I’ll stop. Anyway, Giles says he’s not going to remind Buffy about how she’s supposed to save the world or how she endangered everyone she loves (gee, that kind of sounded like reminding her). He must, however, remind her that Angel did torture him for hours, for pleasure. Moreover, he’s mega hurt by the fact that she kept this a secret, demonstrating a lack of respect for him or what he does as her Watcher.

I don’t have anything to say about this, except that he has a completely valid point. I’m not entirely sure I can fault Buffy’s choice either, though. It’s another one of those, “Everyone (but Xander) has a fair point here,” situations. My heart breaks for Giles, though, and I hate when that happens. Buffy also hates what that happens, because she gets real sadfaced and has sad swelling music to go with it.

Lor: +1.  As much as I spend time wishing these people would communicate more, I can’t fault Buffy for keeping it quiet. I think that it is also forgotten that this is something that happened to Buffy. She didn’t ask for Angel back or go into a hell dimension to find him (er, as far as I’ve seen.) She may have reacted in a less than ideal way, but it was a reaction.

Sweeney: Elsewhere, Faith has a knock on the door and it’s the miserable Bitchface. Faith opens the door ready to fight and I’m over here shouting, “DO IT. KILL HER!” at my screen. (Related: my roommate has had to hear this from me a lot as I just finished the first season of Game of Thrones. The amount of fictional death I’m rooting for is getting to be a serious problem. I should probably seek professional help for this.) (K: As long as they’re all douchebags/idiots, I think you’re entitled to wish them harm!)

Bitchface gives Faith this whole tough love routine and given how consistently disregarded she is by the person whose attention/appreciation she most wants, Faith eats it up. When Bitchface criticizes Giles, Faith gets defensive, up until Bitchface plays on Faith’s great insecurity by mentioning the SECRET MEETING that Faith wasn’t invited to. The whole thing is such brilliant manipulation and again, my heart hurts. Being on Team Feels is really hard, guys.

K: I think I’m going to have to change the name of Team Heartless Cow to “Team UGH”, because that’s the noise I made during this scene (as in “UGH, don’t fall for her shit, Faith. You’re better than that!”), as well as all the Buffy/Angel scenes. Apparently I find characters being dumb really infuriating…

Sweeney: I object to this rename on the grounds that (1) so did I -and- (2) the Table of Ugh is actually where our two teams meet.

Lor: There’s always alcohol at the Table of Ugh.

Sweeney: It’s what makes it such a great meeting place.

Back at school, Willow is gushing to Buffy about the value of secrets. NO, WILLOW, SECRETS ARE NOT GOOD. Buffy tells Willow her plan to stake out the place where the magic glove was found, in lieu of joining them at The Bronze.

At The Bronze, Xander is angrily playing pool, when newly angry Faith shows up, trying to call someone out for the secret meetings. Xander tells Faith about the Angel situation and she happily jumps aboard the “Angel + Glove = Apocalypse!” train. I’m going to say, again, that I think this is as much about it having been kept from her as anything else. The Scoobies all have additional baggage and while the secret definitely made it worse, it never would have been well-received. For Faith, if Buffy had actually trusted her, it would have gone a long way and gained her a very useful ally. BUT WHATEVER. NOBODY LISTENS TO ME.

Since Faith is all about running into situations and causing death and destruction, she says she should run off and slay. Xander offers to come with.

In with Wiggins Library, Giles tells Bitchface the location of the glove, because he has also not been listening to me calling her Bitchface. She wants to hide it, but he assures her that he found a way to destroy it and has all the necessary materials. She hits him over the head and knocks him out. Not that I’m complaining, but it doesn’t make a lot of sense for her not to just kill him. She’s not a very good villain.

K: Truth.

Sweeney: Willow has joined Buffy for the stakeout at the glove destination and they’re discussing secrets. Buffy feels so much better, which Willow understands because “keeping secrets is a lot of work — one could hypothetically imagine!” Willow asks if the secrecy made things with Angel feel sexier, but it did not because it was too much pressure. Willow eventually starts to confess, but rambles so much that our demon shows up before she gets the chance. After the fight, Willow loses her nerve.

Lor: At least she knows that people kissing Xander shouldn’t be judgey.

Sweeney: Faith and Xander go to the library for weapons. They hear Giles groaning and it’s as if Xander makes a desperate plea to be removed from my “AND THEN (S)HE DIES” game. While Faith jumps to “Angel did it!” Xander points out that this is not Angel’s style, indicated, at the very least, by the lack of bite marks. Xander calls 911 and I resolve to stop trying to imagine ways to off him until he pisses me off again.

Faith runs off to kill Angel, because she’s thinking with her rage, as she often does. Back in the Brooding Bungalow, Angel is performing a big spell involving green fire and creepy chanting. It pretty much screams, “Come find me now, while I’m extra-suspicious looking!”

Buffy and Willow arrive at Wiggins just in time to see Giles being carted away on a stretcher. He’s not all there, but he manages to tell Buffy to destroy the Apocalypse Glove using “living flame.” When Buffy asks Xander what happened, he stops doing the rational thinking thing and lands himself back in my Fictional Character Deathmatch ring by using this opportunity to again attack Buffy with, “Your boyfriend’s not as cured as you thought.” (K: WHAT THE FUCK, ALEXANDER HARRIS??? WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK???????) Fortunately, in the middle of being the big tool he is, he mentions that Faith is off to kill Angel with a ten minute head start.

Bitchface is the first to arrive at the Brooding Bungalow. She says some nonsense about being sent by Giles to help with the ritual. She asks for the location of the glove and, once Angel turns around, hits him with a shovel, which she later says was supposed to kill him. She is really bad at killing people. In the televised version, there was a commercial break between him getting knocked down and popping right back up with his vamp grill on, you know, for suspense.

Lor: Whose suspense? Everyone watching knows he’s DOUBLY undead.

Sweeney: She does a Buffy Break move with the shovel to arm herself with a stake. Angel knocks her down just as Faith walks in to see vamped out Angel and her trusted new Watcher on the ground. They fight and it’s not Angel’s finest work. Buffy shows up and saves him just as Faith is about to stake him.

Back in the library, Willow and Xander have found the way to destroy the glove and also, apparently, an explanation of what it does, but they don’t actually tell us because that would ruin the surprise.

Buffy and Faith banter about the Angel situation and Bitchface is offering seriously unhelpful contributions. The girls fight and I am overwhelmed by my sadz-frustration combo. Willow and Xander show up and Bitchface tells Xander to go help Faith.

Lor: On a sidenote, it’s great to see Eliza and Sarah Michelle both fight side by side and fight each other. I’m okay with it being totally dorky of me to mention that they have different styles and it’s either sort of indicative of their characters, or somehow feeds into the depiction there of.

Sweeney: YES. THIS. I support this brand of dorky.

Willow helps Bitchface up, only to be knocked out by her seconds later as Bitchface puts the Apocalypse Glove on and starts some weird chanting that causes the sky to go all stormy. As everyone stops to figure out what’s going on, Bitchface also stops long enough to call Faith an idiot. Poor, poor Faith.

The glove basically allows her to shoot lighting out of her arm while chanting. I’m not sure if it’s just because I’ve come home to my best friend’s fiancee playing Street Fighter several nights a week for the last two months, but it kind of reminds me of Street Fighter. Or Mortal Kombat.

K: It reminds me of Doctor Who. But then again, I can find a Doctor Who connection in pretty much anything ever, so I suspect that comes as no surprise to anyone. Carry on.

Sweeney: ANYWAY, Willow gets back up and just as she’s about to get shot with the lightning arm, but Angel also gets up and saves her. Meanwhile, our slayers are back on the same team. Buffy manages to find something to throw at Bitchface to slice her arm off and she dies in a lightningsplosion that was, I must admit, a rare win for the Buffy special effects team. (K: I feel like they’re doing much better this season. You know, except for Lurconis in the last episode…)

The gang, sans Buffy, do their usual school-day-wrap-up of the events of the previous night. It gets all sadpanda when Buffy shows up to assure them that Angel is not her boyfriend. However, since it’s the end of the episode, everything’s good now and Xander trusts her and all is well.

Giles shows up to tell them apparently Bitchface was a Watcher, but she was kicked out for misuses of dark magic. Buffy then goes to find Faith for an awkward/unfortunate conversation in Faith’s motel room. Buffy tries to convince Faith that she can trust her, but Faith isn’t having it. Faith insists that she’s on her own side. The episode ends with Faith alone in her room, and Team Feels really needs a drink.

K: Team UGH (L: still not accepted.) still wants to kick Xander in the nuts. But a drink will probably help with that too. DRINKS ALL ROUND!!

Sweeney: TO THE TABLE OF UGH!

Next time: Some demons show up and some school stuff happens and blah, blah, but mostly: Spike returns! in Buffy the Vampire Slayer S03 E08 – Lover’s Walk.