Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 08 – Dating the Antichrist is hard.

Previously: Ana once again demonstrated her terrible sense of priorities by choosing shit-beating over being worshiped. She and Grey attend the most nonsensically elaborate charity ball ever. After, they find that GSP slashed her tires and Grey goes into his apartment to hopefully get murdered.

Sweeney: The chapter begins with more ZOMG IS GSP GONNA KILL STALKER BOYFRIEND? Now, I know that it’s only chapter 8 and we have a long shitty road ahead of us, but E. L. James means to convince us of the hypothetical possibility of Christian Grey’s death and I consider this a moment worth savoring.

Ana’s hanging out with security guard dude while Grey goes in after Taylor to investigate the hypothetical murderer situation. (Or, in my headcanon, to get murdered by Taylor.) Of course, E. L. James manages to ruin even this for me by making it an incredibly boring waiting-to-find-out-if-my-boyfriend-is-getting-murdered scene. I’m not sure how you fuck that up, but making a scene like this so uninteresting is a skill.

It’s clear that Ana and I are not on the same team here when she tries to comfort herself: “Surely no sound is good—there are no gunshots.” On behalf of Traumaland, Ana, let me assure you that you have this backwards.

She passes the time in her usual way: by noticing random shit. This time she marvels at his religious paintings. He’s not religious, but all his paintings are religious! CHRISTIAN has paintings about CHRISTIANITY. The only thing named outright is a painting of Madonna and child and I laugh and laugh because I sense some warped analogy between Jesus/Mary and Grey/Crack Whore. Like, a crack whore is kind of like the anti-virgin, yeah? Which means she’d produce the anti-Christ.

Lorraine: A+

It’s worth clarifying, though, that ALL 16 of the paintings in the foyer are of Madonna and child. More ways Ana and I are not on the same team? THAT would’ve been enough for me to be all LOL. NOPE. I would’ve left before I ever entered the Antichrist’s apartment.

Also, how did we get here? Why are we talking about baby Jesus paintings? Why is Ana thinking, “my boyfriend might get murdered! Now would be an excellent time to analyze his art choices?”

Sweeney: We wouldn’t have over 30 posts dedicated to this book if Ana made any choices that made sense.

The door opens and random bodyguard pulls out his gun, but it’s the Antichrist and random bodyguard puts it away like a fool. Grey grumbles about Taylor overreacting and the lack of murdery fun tonight, and for once I think, “Yeah, I know how you feel.”

The apartment has been/continues to be searched. Grey has to put Ana to bed, because there’s this ratio of pages-to-Grey-infantilizing-Ana that has to be maintained. She gives him Mrs. Rape’s note and his jaw clenches. It does that a lot so he should probably invest in one of those mouth guard things that they give to people who grind their teeth in their sleep.

Ana asks if he’s going to call the cops about the tire slashing, but naturally Grey’s not into all that. This being some legit Traumaland story-telling, I’m sure the cops would be useless anyway. Still, the fact that Grey doesn’t want the cops around his place just adds to his murderapist appeal!

At some point in Ana’s tossing-turning-can’t-sleep-ness she dreamagines a woman in the room and it is at this point that the little fun I found in this chapter goes away. I realize that E. L. James is being a giant fucking tease and baiting me with all these opportunities for the AND THEN SHE DIES game to end with a win for Team Sanity, but we all know nothing will come of it. It’s gone from fun to depressing because now I think, “BUT SHE STILL WON’T FUCKING DIE.”

Lor: On the bright side, this scene reads like she’s going insane. But probably my favorite part is when she’s all, “what time is it? The alarm says it’s two fifteen in the morning.” That was weird. Like maybe the alarm says it is but it could be lying to her.

Sweeney: Ana goes looking for Grey and overhears him going all murdery on the phone with Mrs. Rape. RAH RAH LEAVE HER ALONE RAH RAH MURDER MURDER. She goes in the room as soon as he’s off the phone and he snaps at her all crazypantslike before oggling her and telling her she’s pretty.

Lor: An unexpected compliment,” too, because everything catches Ana off guard (I’m looking at you blinks!) or because sometimes she just damn well expects a compliment. Probably not at “two fifteen” in the morning though.

Sweeney: Ana spends an unreasonably long time narrating her taking Grey’s shirt off, complete with her usual he’s naked-except-for-the-part-where-he’s-not. The lipstick is still all over his skin but probably just a hot mess and not much of a useful outline. (Though, as I recall, that was a completely pointless step because it was basically just, “Don’t touch my scars, yo.”)

Grey, for his part, does understand what constitutes nakedness and suggests that Ana remove his pants too. She insists that they return to the bedroom, but I am saved by a cold draft from the balcony. Grey asks Ana why she opened the balcony door and Ana says she didn’t and remembers that it was definitely closed when she got up and left. She tells Grey about her dreamagining a woman in the room and Grey “snarls” at Ana for the milliontieth time in this chapter alone. You know who snarls? Large animals. And villains. I bet the Antichrist snarls a lot.

Lor: We actually have a blanket rule about animal noises at SS, which pretty much just makes me sad about the things we read.

Sweeney: Grey orders Ana to get dressed and calls in Taylor and random bodyguards, who appear in a hot second, still wearing their uniforms. Grey wants them to find GSP because apparently she’s still lurking in the apartment? I’m not sure I can approve of continuing to call this sprawling labyrinth an “apartment.”

Lor: I am additionally confused by the logistics of this all. The open balcony doors AFTER Ana saw her in the room would suggest that she left? Or, wait, aren’t they on the milliontieth floor? Did all that B&Eing make GSP a little hot and she decided to open the balcony for nice breeze?

Sweeney: Because I’ve taken a liking to GSP, I’m going to assume she did it deliberately to fuck with Ana.

Grey alternately snarls and growls as he adds that they need Taylor to “book them a room somewhere.”

Ana thinks Grey is overreacting and I think this is going to make two times now, but, like, not really, girl. I mean, I hate you and want you dead, but realistically speaking, yeah, your would-be murderer was just watching you sleep. I’d be getting the fuck out of there. I would have done this a long time ago, though, so I guess that’s part of the problem with trying to reconcile Ana logic and actual logic.

In this exchange, Ana also informs Grey that Ray taught her to shoot and Grey is genuinely surprised. Shouldn’t she have a license? Shouldn’t this be in Grey’s creepy file on her?

It’s time for another ragey moment! More Rage Lite, really, in the grand scheme of these books. They get down to his car, which is parked next to her trashed car and Ana asks how GSP could have known it was hers. Apparently Grey gets the same kind of car for all his subs! Yup!

Ana doesn’t really have many feels about this and, I guess, at this point that’s fair. I think I’d actually put this below “He takes us all to the same salon for vagina waxing.”

Lor: Let’s at least hope he replaces the cooter-balls.

Sweeney: …

ew2

I’m going to be nit-picky here, but I hate that she says “the I-5” because people don’t do that. You’d say “the 5” or maybe “I-5” but not “the I-5.” Sometimes I like to focus on these annoyances because they don’t make me all throw-stuff-ragey.

Meanwhile, they’re having another annoying conversation about how Christian used to want her to be his submissive and now he totes wants her to be his girlfriend and Ana doesn’t really believe him, what with all the shit-beating and these needy what-is-our-relationship conversations just make me groan. I guess I should be grateful that this chapter can currently just be filed under annoying and/or boring.

Ana then surprises me by actually recognizing and acknowledging a red flag: she asks him why her talking to his therapist made him think she’d want to leave him.

“You cannot begin to understand the depths of my depravity, Anastasia. And it’s not something I want to share with you.”

MauryLaughing

Anyway, they babble about his family and reiterate things that Papa Grey told her. Confession: I am strangely bothered by the deviations from Twilight in this chronology — kids coming in weird orders and such. All they did was a find+replace to adapt this from fanfic to published book. As such, I find myself trying to judge this as the fanfic that it was meant to be, instead of this abomination of a published book. AND IT ANNOYS ME EVEN THAT WAY.

Grey also takes this time to reiterate one of the things that made me all hulksmashy in the last post: that Mrs. Rape “loving Grey in a way that was acceptable to him” was allowing him to transfer his beating-the-shit-out-of-people into SEXY beating-the-shit-out-of-people. Blah, blah, blah, E. L. James, author of the book that defines much of what many people know about BDSM, fails to see how it’s fundamentally different from things like abusedomestic violence, and statutory rape.

They get to the hotel after the typically excessive amount of car dialogue and going undercover entails Grey calling himself “Mr. Taylor.” Really? This sounds like an excellent way to revive my favorite game, because it should be super easy for GSP to crack their stealthy code, find them AND THEN THEY DIE.

Lor: Additionally, they are staying at Seattle’s “most prestigious hotel.” REAL STEALTH GUYS. I definitely wouldn’t look for Money Bags there.

Sweeney:

hiding

The hotel is super fancy and, like everywhere Christian Grey takes Ana that isn’t part of his Empire of Domestic Violence Emporiums, bedazzled in diamonds by fairies that piss liquid gold. The girl at the desk, like every other female character, becomes nearly incapacitated and unable to do her job because she’s so overwhelmed by Christian’s hotness.

Lor: E.L. James thinks females are all incompetent and stupid. It must make her life real interesting.

Sweeney: I was just watching Inception the other day, and the way that everyone reacts to Ana and Grey and is hyper aware of their INSANE SEXUAL MAGNETISM reminds me of the projections. Specifically, the mega-aware projections when Leonardo DiCaprio is teaching Juno. It seems like everyone they ever encounter is instantly obsessed with one or both of them. I’m a fan of this analogy because the projections try to kill the dreamer meaning either (a) this feeds into the and then she dies game -or- (b) it’s a metaphor for the way that E. L. James is killing our dreams a little more with each chapter.

Anyway, they pretend to be married and run off for more mega money magic in the hotel room, and fancy booze (as I sit here downing the cheap stuff). (L: On the bright side, your booze doesn’t cost you a side of domestic abuse.) Ana’s biting her lip again and they are within like twenty feet of a bed, so it’s about time to get to fucking again, yeah? I can’t actually fault them for this bit of contrivance because that’s kind of the point of porn.

Unfortunately, James fails at porn; the unpleasant sex is stalled by another one of those great WE CAN’T BE TOGETHER / BUT WE LOVE EACH OTHER / BUT THE BEATINGS! conversations. Then they have sex and Ana’s all proud of herself for “taking the lead” but it lasts for about 8 seconds before he’s all YOU MINE, GIRL, GET UNDER ME. When it’s over, he apparently says her name like a “benediction.” The religious allusions always give me the creeps.

Lor: Wait, let me play a sexy hymn for you and see that helps you feel better.

Sweeney: Ana wakes up in the morning to find out that Grey has made sure that Dr. Best will come to the hotel room to carry out this infringement on Ana’s rights to her own body. But, you know, he ordered her pancakes and bacon so it’s all good. She also briefly considers how annoying it is that her new car will be another from the long line of rapemobiles Grey has purchased and she kind of wishes that she could get a different car but obvs she can’t do anything about it because she doesn’t have things like free will or a backbone.

We are then treated to the most disappointing fictional doctor’s appointment I have ever read. I mean, I wasn’t actually reading this shit show when Lor got to Ana’s first encounter with Dr. Best, so maybe that was worse.

Lor: It was more hilarious, actually, seeing as how Dr. Best some how determined that Ana was super smart after a vaginal examination. You got the rage-y end of this deal.

Sweeney: Good to know. Dr. Best appears to fully support Christian Grey in his quest to tell Ana how to make long-lasting decisions about her own fucking body. The good doctor begins by chastising Ana for the fact that she stopped taking the pill and basically saying that because Ana’s so incompetent, the shot’s probably necessary. I’m half-tempted to copy and paste the entire scene because Dr. Best is so fucking condescending it’s painful. As much as I hate Ana, I can’t handle all these people treating her like she’s a fucking child. There are innumerable levels of fail here.

Dr. Best also tries to give Ana a pregnancy scare, which is mostly just terrifying for everyone else because (1) I’ve voiced my concerns about Ana/Christian procreating -and- (2) This has proved to be infinitely worse than Twilight at every possible turn and we all saw that shitshow the resulted from that.

Lor: What’s even worse is that after my initial SHUT UP DR. BEST reaction, Ana just kind of shoots herself in the foot by totally ZONING OUT while her doctor is describing possible side-effects for the birth control she is being semi-forced into. She starts thinking about how she’d rather have a murderer watching her sleep every day rather than have to tell Grey she’s pregnant.

Dating the Antichrist is hard, man.

Sweeney: Grey comes in and Ana’s all sulky due to the fact that she was thinking about how scary it would be to tell him that she were preggo. That, rather than actually being pregnant, was the cause of her anxiety. He’s grumpy because she’s keeping a secret. She tells him and at first he’s all WUTNO! and then she assures him that she’s not and he’s all OMG AWESOME. Which, since they’ve been dating for about two seconds, is fair. Ana gets all pissy about this, though, because apparently she wants this asshole to someday father her children, due to the fact that she is a moron.

They bicker and she’s still on edge about the whole thinking-about-being-pregnant thing. The pregnancy test when I first went on the pill unnerved me  too, so whatever, I guess I get that. Grey says something about how he doesn’t know what to do because normally he’d just beat it out of her. Information about her feels, I think, not the hypothetical fetus. But probably that too.

Lor: A+ really falls short here. I died a giggle death. Also, just for those keeping score at home: beating information out of some one IS NOT BDSM. Just, for clarification.

Sweeney: We need to drop these knowledge bombs every so often. Keep the people informed.

Ana’s all, “No, JK, you’re totes helping me just hold me!” because she’s the worst.

They take a shower together and Grey lets Ana wash off the lipstick, meaning she can “stray to the edge of the forbidden zone!” He keeps his eyes closed and there is lots of jaw clenching because it’s super terrifying for him. I’m not sure this compares to the hell he’s put her through, but I’m sure it will be portrayed as a sacrifice of epic proportions. I’d rather not read on and find out, but I will anyway.

Eventually it gets to be too much and he’s breathing heavily and she gets major sads thinking about him being abused and so she starts crying. He tells her not to cry because HE IS NOTHING. And then she’s all, “NO OMG YOU’RE THE BEST PERSON EVER.” And then they nuh-uhn / yuh-huh back and forth for a while. Eventually, she’s all, “You love me,” and he says, “Yes, I do,” which is supposed to be dramatic and romantic. It doesn’t count if you have to say it for him, girl.

Lor: I love that part of Ana’s argument is, “The lady who statutory raped you and the girl who is trying to murder us totally love you too!” You kind of see why Grey’s all, “yeeeeeeeaaaaah. Not so much.”

Sweeney: I’m going to choose not to dwell on this delightful bit of Ana logic, because the chapter is over and I am free.

Murmur Count – 16
Whisper Count – 17

 

Favorite comment last post: “Serious question: does Snark Squad require that all female protagonists have magic vaginas? Between Buffy’s magical soul-destroying vagina and Ana’s magic ball-slinging cooch, I’m sensing a theme.” -Democracy Diva

 

 Next time on Fifty Shades Darker: Grey’s promised Ana a full day of adventure and it results in the longest chapter of all time. Will the games soon change to AND THEN THE SNARK LADIES DIE? Find out in Chapter 9.

Sweeney (all posts)

I collect elaborate false eyelashes, panda gifs, and passport stamps. I earned my MA in Global Communications and watching too many YouTube videos. Now people pay me to edit YouTube videos. The circle of life. Reconciling my aversion to leaving the house/wearing pants with my deep desire to explore everything is my life's great struggle.





Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





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  • Shelby

    So, I’m in the car with my Grandmother and she says. “I read a review for that fifty shades book on amazon and it made me laugh so much. I can’t believe people are buying that book.” And then I said, “Oh i have the best link to send you. It’s a website that does hilarious recaps of the books, chapter by chapter and it’s the best thing on the internet”. So in other words, my grandma will be reading the blog soon. And this makes me happy, though it may be really awkward.

    • Ahaha, that’s awesome. I’m glad we can branch out to new demographics.

    • Buttercup

      If your family would consider adopting me, that would be super cool. I guess the bright side would be that I won’t bug them to buy magazine subscriptions and crap to keep me in school activities, I’m housebroken, and have finished college and have a job so won’t ask to live in their basement. My family LOVES these books. ALL of them (family members AND books). I can’t even tell you how incredibly sad that makes me. Maybe I was adopted?

  • Hanna

    Ok, I’m starting to question the reality of your murmur/whisper counts. Because that cannot be true. E.L. James is horrible.

    P.S. Lor, I like your new Dalek shirt. =)

    • Right? This chapter was definitely high, even by the pathetic standards of her writing. I even double checked it because I was like, “No way. Not even you would use the same stupid work 16 or 17 times in the same chapter.” But yes, she would.

      • I didn’t even notice the murmur count while I was commenting on the post! That is excessive! I notice though that the murmur/whisper counts spike in chapters where they have sex because they love to murmur mid-stroke. True story.

        And THANKS! Since I went a little less anonymous with my home blog, I figured I could put a picture of ma face on here. And that is my favorite t-shirt. 😀

  • Clair Alexander

    It’s hilarious that you have a Maury gif in this chapter lol not that she’s having sexy times with anyone other than the anti-christ, but still haha

    • Maury cracking up on loop is a win.

      Stalker Boyfriend: you ARE the father.

  • 16 paintings. In one foyer. I can’t even…

    I love the air quotes on “two fifteen” … If that’s really the time -_-

    Being AFRAID to tell your significant other you are pregnant is the absolute number one sign that you need to GET OUT. Or that you are fifteen and your significant other is your dad. Either way, BAD NEWS.

    • I know. And then you look and it’s 16 Virgin Mary paintings. WTF?

      Thanks! I put them on there and then doubted whether anyone but me would find them funny. Nice to know sometimes people not named Lorraine think I”m funny. 😉

      Agreed. I think there are a lot of complication emotions that go along with an unplanned pregnancy but a big fat no to the type of fear Ana seems to exhibit in this chapter. Then again, we already knew Ana was a big fat no.

  • This lipstick map has bothered me since I first read it. Who lets someone draw lipstick all over themselves and then doesn’t IMMEDIATELY SHOWER? And if I’m not mistaken, he leaves that crap on for like 2 days. For someone who seems to be in the shower with Ana half the time, this is weird. Also he puts his shirt on over it? Are his shirts impenetrable to lipstick stains? MAGIC CHRISTIAN GREY SHIRTS! EVEN LIPSTICK HAS NO CHANCE AGAINST HIM!

    • I’m so in awe of the super long lasting lipstick that some how remains smudge free and of his magical clothes. Oh, girl, it’s multiple clothes, not just his shirt, as we see he uses his TIE to super-restrain Ana, then just UNTIES IT and it’s magically still totally okay for wearing the very next day. Yeah-huh.

      Whatever you say, E.L. James.

  • “You cannot begin to understand the depths of my depravity, Anastasia. And it’s not something I want to share with you.”

    *raises hand* Isn’t that EXACTLY* what he wanted to do the entire last book? The only thing that book did right (ostensibly, anyway) was for him to be open about his kink from the beginning. Expressing his most depraved imaginings and asking her to join in – followed by her wittering endlessly about it – was the only thing that passed for plot in the last fucking book. It was not plot, but James apparently thought it was. And now? Now she would like us to believe that Grey was totes not serious about that whole depravity thing. He just had an extra room in his enormous apartment, and his interior decorator said that BDSM was soooo this season.

    Also, I am still rooting for GSP and Taylor to decide to throw in together and off both Grey and Ana, just so they don’t have to think about/remember/experience the surfeit of whisper/mumbles that hangs over Grey’s life like a cloud of meh.

    * Okay, not exactly, because there’s the total lack of understanding of the kink that is supposedly central to this story and which, to be clear, is not in and of itself depravity, although church ladies may beg to differ. (Heh, beg.)

    • EXACTLY. It took me a while to decide how to respond to that, because I knew it couldn’t go unmentioned. Maury laughing seemed to be the best response.

      I’m rooting for it too. WE CAN DREAM!

  • Am I the only one bothered that Grey still has that lipstick on him? Hasn’t it been like 2 days? These people have no respected for hygiene or clothing.

    I’m so sad that neither Taylor nor GSP have succeeded in their murdery plans yet.

    • Strawberry_Pocky_Moose

      This book is any person with OCD (or anyone concerned about hygiene, for that matter)’s nightmare. Used condoms stashed in pockets, poor, abused plum dresses worn for a week without washing, and lipstick smears on your chest for days. And days. And days. I guess now we know what ‘Christian’ smells like – like a homeless person who never showers.

      • You forgot cooter balls stashed in her purse…

        • Which have probably been used by GSP and other exes…

  • “Wait, let me play a sexy hymn for you and see that helps you feel better.” = BEST.

    The religious overtones in this whole thing have always severely put me off, but oh man, that made me laugh.

    And if there’s some lipstick out there that someone can wear for two days without it smudging, I think every (lipstick wearing) girl ever would be all over that stuff. Because that’s what the lipstick commercials are all about, right?

    New from Cover Girl: Fifty Shades of Lipstick. You too can have long lasting, beautiful, smudge-free color, ALL OVER YOUR SKIN for TWO WHOLE DAYS. JUST LIKE CHRISTIAN GREY. Easy, breezy, beautiful…Cover Girl. 😛

  • I have to ask: in the midst of all the AWESOME advice Dr. Best was handing out, did he remember to mention that a woman’s body can shut down that whole pregnancy thing if it wants to? Because I hear that’s totally true…

  • Strawberry_Pocky_Moose

    Random tidbit on nomenclature: Christian = follower of Christ. Anastasia = resurrection. Coincidence? Depressingly, the answer is probably yes, because there’s no way someone with a vocabulary and general knowledge as limited as E L James’s is going to actually do research to come up with meaningful names. Not consciously, anyway.

    Also, I almost peed myself laughing at the title of this post because for ages I’ve been telling anyone who’ll listen how much Christian Grey reminds me of Damien Thorn!! Seriously, if you haven’t watched The Omen 3 (and don’t because it’s shit, even if Young Sam Neill is cute) then wikipedia it – there are many similarities. They’re both total sociopaths, although Damien manages to occasionally show some charm. They’re both billionaires-by-age-25 although neither are ever seen actually doing much work. They both have a dark, troubled childhood and secret rooms in their mansion, and although the Red Room of Pain isn’t a private chapel to Satan, with a name like ‘Red Room of Pain’ it very well could be. And both can only communicate through violence, exerting power via attempts to take over every business in the fucking world, and, last but not least, rough, awkward hatefucking type sex.

    So, having examined the evidence, it’s possible he IS the next Damien Thorn, and he’s only named Christian to throw us off the scent 😉

  • Izzygirl

    ‘The alarm clock might be lying to her’- lololol! Even non-sentient objects don’t have much respect for our heroine. I’m surprised Ana didn’t immediately suspect that maybe Gos snuck in to tamper with it so she’d be late to her next beating…

    • It’s true. Alternate post title: “Even non-sentient objects patronize Ana”

  • Angi Black

    Side note about more awful writing. “What time is it? The alarm says it’s two fifteen in the morning.”.I think this line was supposed to say alarm clock, not just alarm. I think that the alarm said nothing or WHY THE F*CK IS IT GOING OFF AT 2:15 IN THE MORNING?!?!?! The clock however may have shown 2:15. But since EL clearly never reread or edited her book or has ever held a conversation with normal language in it, she missed it.

    Also – “The I-5” *sees all red with rage*

    • DUDE, I totally had this in my original review draft, as a response to Lor’s comment, but I decided against it because I knew I also whined about the I-5 thing. I’m glad you caught it.

  • I’m just going to say that you will never ever say “I-5” or “the I-5” because I have never met a person who has lived in California or along that stupid road who has called it anything other than “the 5.” Full stop. It even infected me as I lived there. I’m being even more nitpicky.

    • The 5 goes all the way to Seattle though, and here in Seattle (where the story takes place) we say “I-5”. I’ve lived in both place, so I go back and forth between “the” and “I”, but everyone else in Seattle says I-5. When you put “the” before a number, you’re usually talking about a bus.

      Regardless, EL James is definitely wrong. As per usual.

      • The I-5! Maybe it’s because Seattle has functioning buses, then. I know my family and their friends in Oregon all call it “the 5,” but it could be just because they’re strange. Either way, I hope every Californian was twitching with confusion about using the I- part.

  • Every time I had a thought or question about this post, you guys answered or responded to it later in the post. You snarkers are prescient. And I concur with the comments re: the truly unbelievable whisper/murmur count. I REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT CAN BE REAL.

  • Things the “Fifty Shades” Books Have Ruined For Me:

    – plum-colored dresses
    – elevators
    – a well-timed rolling of the eyes
    – iPads
    – anything in a foil packet
    – tampons
    – Audi cars
    – gray ties
    – Seattle
    – popsicles
    – crack whores
    – the song “Mrs. Robinson” and the movie “The Graduate”
    – Icarus and Daedalus
    – several of my sex toys

    Damn you, EL James. Damn you to hell.

    • Strawberry_Pocky_Moose

      Yes! The Icarus and Daedalus story was one of my fave Greek myths and a cute (if overused) little metaphor, and James has not just taken it and beaten it to death; she’s bound it like a turkey, gagged it and assraped its corpse. Repeatedly.

      Also, Seattle used to make me think of Frasier. Now it just makes me think of unclean douchebag millionaires, misogyny, and sad 🙁

      • Everything about these books gives me a case of the sads. I don’t know how the SnarkSquad ladies manage to get through chapter after chapter of this nonsense. (But I sure am glad they do!)

        Also, your “bound like a turkey, gagged, and assraped its corpse” comment made me LOL. Are you sure that’s not a spoiler for something Grey does in the next book?

      • Buttercup

        WHY?!!!! OMG WHY did they have to ruin Downton Abbey too?!!! For the love of all that is holy! I HATE YOU E.L.JAMES!

        • Agreed! I know they’re desperate to sell newspapers, but that is just wrong on so many levels. The women of Downton Abbey have spines, dammit. And brains. To say the two franchises have anything in common is just ignorant. /rant

  • This chapter is so full of back and forth redonkulessness. I couldn’t get past the “casually waiting in the foyer while the love of my life might be getting chopped up in a million bitty pieces” let alone fully embrace the “haha I’m preggers…JAYKAY” moment. (We all knew That Girl in High School and we all hated her.) This whole chapter took us on a scary hike through the prepubescent jungle that is Ee El’s Sexual Fantasies. Freud would have had a field day with these books!

  • Buttercup

    It’s kinda too bad the alarm clock didn’t say 3:15 like in Amityville Horror. That would have been a great segway into AND THEN SHE DIES. Lor and Sweeney, you ladies should think about writing a choose your own adventure based on 50 Shades but each choice would lead to AND THEN SHE DIES (or somebody dies, I’m not picky).

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  • Insanitydividedby0

    I think that it is funny that a guy who hires someone to protect him and is always claiming to be in danger suddenly claims his bodyguard is being overcautious.

    • Grey logic is not like our Earth logic. I mean, we probably knew this from, “I love you so much, I’mma beat you.”

  • Brandi1leigh

    I’m not sure why I continue reading this (& I’m not reading the actual book). You guys are terrific, but every chapter just gets worse and worse! Plus, I find myself unreasonably angry at every person on Facebook who wants to see the movie. I’m really not sure how you guys managed to actually read this. Thanks! I keep reading the recaps and questioning my life choices…

    • While we were recapping this, we kept thinking, “surely this can’t get worse.” And then it did. IT KEPT GETTING WORSE. FSoG is a good friend filter. Does your “friend” like this material? Probably you shouldn’t be friends. Or at least block them on Facebook…

  • Alicia

    As a religious person, if I saw that someone had 16 Madonna and baby paintings in their apartment, I’d nope the fuck out of there. Mostly because, religious or not, it’s weird to have 16 paintings of the same thing. Have a little variety would ya? Oh is this supposed to be something to see into his dark, tortured soul?

    Ana: “Bf may be getting murdered. I’ll think about paintings!”

    I also don’t think that Taylor was overreacting by pulling a gun when someone walked out of the apartment. He wanted to make sure that Leila didn’t kill you and isn’t coming to get him and Ana. Asshole.

    Sorry but it’s kind of gross that the lipstick is still all over his skin. You mean he hasn’t washed it off yet? And yes it was pretty pointless of him to do when he could have just, you know, verbally communicated to her where he doesn’t like to be touched. Just as he expects her to verbally communicate everything.

    I also don’t know how this chick keeps getting into and out of Christian’s apartment without being detected. Especially since it’s you know, so high up and all. Ana can’t even leave Grey’s place without security following her, so GSP getting in and out somehow at any time of day boggles the mind. I think maybe she has made a home in some cubby in the wall somewhere and pops out every now and then to scare the staff, Grey, and Ana.

    Well, at least Grey has body guards that live in their uniforms so they are always ready for calls at 2am.

    I also don’t know why Ana is taking this so lightly after claiming she didn’t want anything to happen to Grey. You just saw a woman in your apartment watching you and Grey sleep, a woman who is suicidal and has a gun, and now Ana thinks Grey is overreacting when he wants to book a room somewhere else. For once, Grey is actually not overreacting and Ana thinks he is, because of course, Ana logic is different than my logic.

    So, Grey was expecting, “Ana’s step-father has taught her how to shoot” to be on the background check without Ana having ever gotten a gun license. If your dad has a gun, and you can do it away from people, he can teach you to shoot without you needing to get a license. You pretty much only need a license to own a gun. What kind of “background check” does Grey do? Somehow it figures out every part of a person’s life, even the parts that are not recorded by the government?

    Now at this precise moment, as they are running away from a would-be murderer potentially in Grey’s home, Grey tells Ana that he wants her to be his girlfriend now rather than his submissive. I thought he had already told other people that she was his girlfriend? I knew they hadn’t had the official conversation yet, but. Probably their break up didn’t last long enough for anyone to even know about it, except when And told Jack about her ex-boyfriend. Generally though, you have the conversation before you go tell other people that you’re official with your S/O.

    He doesn’t want to share with her the depths of his depravity, but she’s the one who sucks at communicating? Shut up about her “lack” of communicating you asshole. You pretty much know more about her than she knows about you, so eff right off with that shit.

    Lol @ him calling himself Mr. Taylor and taking Ana to like the best hotel in Seattle, because even when he wants to keep her “safe” and they are running away from a murderer, he sucks at trying to actually protect her.

    It annoys me that everyone who come in contact with Ana or Grey is instantly obsessed with them. It’s like ELJ thought that real people might find her characters annoying so she needed them to have in-book fanclubs.

    For a book about porn, I’m not sure why ELJ thought that constant religious and child references would be a good idea. Also, whatever makes Grey want to have sex with Ana whenever they’re around his parents, yeah that’s pretty disturbing, too. These two are the most unsexy, even during sex scenes.

    Of course, Dr. Best is probably getting paid a shit ton by Grey to come here, so she’s all for forcing Ana into something she may or may not want for herself. I’m not sure if anyone actually asks Ana if she wants birth control. All I remember is Christian going on about how he hates condoms and that’s why Ana’s getting BC. And Ana is zoning out during the most important parts of the whole thing, like Dr. Best telling her the side-effects and other info. She really isn’t all that smart.

    “He’s grumpy because she’s keeping a secret” <– there it is again. STOP KEEPING YOUR OWN SHIT FROM HER, GREY. WHY SHOULD SHE HAVE TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING IF YOU REFUSE TO TELL HER CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF???

    He's making the sacrifice by letting her touch him so close to his no-no areas, but let's just forget about the time that Ana let him beat her with a belt so that she could see what it feels like when he does it as hard as he can, also probably so that he could get some gratification. Ana touching him in his no-no areas is hardly anything compared to the physical beating he gave her. But let's all feel sorry for Grey one more time, yay!

    Supers romantic when Ana declares that Christian loves her and he agrees, but she also adds that Mrs. Rape and GSP love him, too. That's…that's really weird. So I guess a grown, married woman raping a boy of 15 and a girl who was once Grey's sub and is now trying to murder his new love interest, and possibly him? I guess that is considered love. But zomg, Grey agrees that he loves Ana, and he's never "loved" anyone, so this is a huge moment of how much he's changed for Ana. Yay!