Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 09 – I like big boats and I cannot lie.

Previously: The GSP is apparently lurking somewhere inside Grey’s apartment, and still manages to not kill anyone. Ana and Grey flee and stay in a hotel where Ana gets Grey to confess he loves her.

Lorraine: If we take the end of last chapter and the beginning of this chapter’s word for it, this is what has just happened: Ana’s all, “you love me,” and Grey’s all, “yeah.” Now, Ana’s face is being broken by a “face-splitting grin,” and while she is cheesing away, Grey’s eyes are “tortured.” She’s staring lovingly into his TORTURED eyes, and nowhere in Ana land does the fact that he has followed up his, “yeah I love you” with a look of intense pain register as a bad thing.

Sweeney: Ana has never been known for her ability to read between the lines, or read signs, even when they are neon and flashing and ginormous.

Lor: So, here we are, still in the shower, and we get a few more religious allusions probably because E.L. James knew how much Sweeney would love them. This time, Ana says that Grey seems to be “seeking absolution” and that “those three words” are her “manna from heaven.” And while I balk at the thought of his affection being her divine sustenance, something about reading these books does seem on par with wandering a desert for 40 years.

Sweeney: NOW COMBINE THOSE THOUGHTS. Reading only these books while wandering a desert for 40 years.

ew3

Lor: Ana’s heart is swelling with joy but it’s also super sad, on account of Grey’s tragic past. She calls him “fucked-up” her “romantic hero” and “full of self-loathing” all in one breath. She’s hopes her heart is big enough for both of them because if you’re going to be in a relationship with a maniac you better have a big ole heart.

Sweeney: Words we have to say far too often around here, but: Ana, I don’t think that’s really how it works.

Lor: They kiss, and Grey whisper-says that he wants her but not in the shower, so they get out. He towel dries her hair.

“When he’s satisfied, he swathes the towel around my head so that in the large mirror over the sink I look like wearing a veil.”

LOL. I’m not sure what is happening here. Does she mean a wedding veil? Because you don’t wrap those. A religious veil? Is this how Grey has towel-wrapped her hair?

I JUST DON’T KNOW.

Sweeney: TOO MANY POSSIBILITIES!

Lor: Ana reciprocates the hair drying. Grey murmurs that no one has ever dried his hair, not even his adoptive mother, Mama Grey.

“She respected my boundaries from day one, even though it was painful for her. I was very self-sufficient as a child,” he says quietly.

I feel a swift kick in the ribs as I think of a small copper-haired child looking after himself because no one else cares.”

I hate her so much. That’s not what he said! It wasn’t that no one cared. It’s that the rich, kind people that adopted him, raised him, took care of him, and have been in his life longer than THREE WEEKS, respected his boundaries, you twat. Get over yourself.

Sweeney: +1 to all of that.

Lor: Ana starts drying Grey’s Safe Zones, and somehow, because she didn’t get around to scrubbing his back, the lipstick line there SURVIVES. Imagine how upset you’d be if you bought this lipstick only to find it was a semi-permanent tattoo.

Sweeney: I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND. I spilled nail polish all over myself on New Year’s Eve and was too *ahem* incapacitated to do anything about it right away, and still that was gone after a good shower. How is this lipstick STILL THERE?

Lor: I really wish I had an answer for you.

There is some more towel drying shenans, in which she guides his hand across his chest? I am confused, but whatever because it’s Religious Allusion Time (Again.)

Sweeney: SO MUCH OF THIS IN THIS CHAPTER. WHY, LOR, WHY?

Lor: This time I have an answer: Because E.L. James and her protagonist are full of themselves. She constantly compares these stupid, measly character to classic literature, oh yeah, and gods, because in her warped mind they somehow belong on the same level. Off the top of my head.

Ana says that with him all naked (except for the towel around his waist) and her with her hair covered, they look, “Biblical, as if from an Old Testament baroque painting.”

Just taking a shower!

Sweeney: A+

Lor: Anyways, once he’s finally dry, Grey whisper-says that he needs Ana, maybe because he’s been drying himself wrong all these years! Ana needs him too, blah, blah, they go into the room to have sex, and thankfully we cut away.

Sweeney: I have conflicted thoughts about the cut away bits. On the one hand, I find them both so horrid that the thought of them having sex just grosses me out. On the other, isn’t the whole defense of this plot-fail sham of a book that it’s basically just porn? Like, it’s allowed to have a bad plot because it’s porn! (This defense says nothing of the glorification of domestic violence and general stupidity.) If that’s the case, there is a lot of fading to black, isn’t there? There’s a lot of actual sex, too, though. They have sex a minimum of half a dozen times a day, so I guess I’m just glad for our sake that this fading to black happens.

Lor: I had a similar moment of WHUT? when we cut away, but sort of settled back into THANKGOD. But since you bring it up, we join them again after sex, and Ana muses that he can be gentle, and thus informs us that this was “making love” and not any “kinky fuckery.” I have a feeling that’s why we cut away.

So, yes, Ana is surprised that Grey was gentle. “You weren’t particularly the first time we… um, did this.” Anastasia Steele: wears cooter-balls in public. Cannot say “had sex.”

Grey fills in her blank with, “robbed you of your virtue.” Ana takes issue with the “robbed” part because she offered up her virtue freely, thanks so much. It’s amazing to me that this book that is supposed to be super progressive and helping women discover their sexuality, is riddled with these hints of antiquated thinking. Thus the message is: it’s okay to be super kinky… but it makes you kind of a whore and you’ve totally lost your virtue!

Sweeney: To be fair, I don’t think E. L. James ever put much thought into making it that, though that is one of the weird defenses of this book. Nobody who has actually read this can say that it is doing anything to champion female sexuality.

Lor: That just makes me doubly sad for the women reading this and going, “this is ideal sexuality.”

Grey whips out some Grey Logic and is all, “you did offer it up and that means you are MINE COMPLETELY.” Because… human ownership is somehow tied to one’s virginity? An eye for an eye and an orgasm for YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE? Thanks for nothing, Grey Logic.

Ana abruptly changes the subject to Grey’s bio-dad, who he knows little about. He says that he knows it wasn’t The Crack Whore’s pimp, though. The Pimp was the one who discovered The Crack Whore’s dead body and he phoned it into the police, which, nicest pimp ever. The police interviewed the pimp and he denied being Grey’s father. Also Papa Grey saw him and they looked nothing alike.

She presses for more information, but Grey doesn’t want to talk about the past. Ana again changes the subject, and this time to what surprise he has lined up for her today. He gets excited about it and they get up to get dressed, being all flirty and stuff. Grey demands she dry her hair, because people with wet hair catch diseases, or something. Ana rolls her eyes, and Grey’s “palms still twitch” which Ana is cool with. “I was beginning to think you were losing your edge.

Sweeney: This scene was actively trying so hard to be, “Look how precious we are!” Even if I didn’t hate them too much to ever find them adorable, it was annoying in its own right for trying way too hard to be cutesy. It had a calm-the-hell-down grating feel not unlike Zooey Deschanel’s vastly overdone quirkiness.

Lor: Oh, that might be an unpopular opinion, but we share it. A+

Grey assures her that he is as murder-y as ever, and as he does so, he pulls on a cable knit sweater. Ana doesn’t know if it’s because he’s so pretty or if it’s because he loves her, but the thought of being beat by him “no longer fills [her] with dread.” Future murders might want to note that about cable knit sweaters. Who knew?

Outside, Grey won’t tell Ana where they are going and when Grey hands the valet guy a big tip, it offends Ana. I’m not sure why that detail is in there other than to make sure we still remember that Ana sucks as a human being.

Untitled

Grey announces that before they get to her surprise, they need to take a detour. She wants her Golden Ticket now daddy, and we can tell because her “inner goddess is bouncing about like a five year old.”

Ana murmurs her consent, like if Grey ever needs consent. He pulls into a Saab dealership and proclaims that Ana needs a new car. She’s taken aback and wonders why not an Audi. Grey is embarassed because LOL, WHOOPS. Remember that one time he bought her the same exact car as his past submissives? He needn’t be so worried though, because apparently Ana didn’t think it such a big deal. In fact she rather liked her “Audi Submissive Special.”

AND THEN SHE DIES. Sorry. I know that wasn’t remotely tied to anything that just happened in the story, but whatevs. She really annoys me and we do what we want.

Sweeney: There is never an inappropriate time for “AND THEN SHE DIES.”

Lor: So, Grey rattles off what kind of Saab he wants to the salesman and asks Ana what color she wants. She answers black and then he vetos that choice because, “black’s not easily seen at night.” My first thought was, “WHAT A STALKER!” and it took about a minute for it to dawn on me that he probably brings this up for safety reasons, and not because he wants to be able to see her car at all times. Ruined for life, y’all. Ruined for life.

Sweeney: That this could be a legitimate concern did not occur to me until you said it just now.

Lor: Because when Grey asked Ana what color she wanted, he wasn’t actually interested in her opinion, she’s all, “what color do you want me to have?” Grey picks silver or white and Ana picks silver. Ana assures him that she’ll take the Audi he’s already ordered, but the sales man jumps in and suggests a convertible. Grey wants to know the safety stats first, because Ana’s safety is “a religion with him.” 

Ana’s so happy he cares.

“This man-God’s gift to women-loves me.”

I was going to be all, “return to sender!” on behalf of all women, but really, I could also probably safely say, “LOL. NOPE. It wasn’t me.” on behalf of God.

Sweeney: A+ again.

Lor: Grey buys the car and they leave. We’re in the car, so we get useless filler about what music is playing, whether she’s hungry, what the weather is like and how suddenly Ana has been cured of her fear of being punished by Grey.

We arrive at a marina. “So many boats,” Ana murmurs, so that us stupid people at home know that marinas have boats. A lot of them.

Grey leads Ana to a bar where the bartender knows Grey by name. The bartender asks Ana for her order.

“What would you like to drink, Anastasia?”

I glance at Christian, who regards me expectantly. Oh, he’s going to let me choose.

“Please, call me Ana, and I’ll have whatever Christian’s drinking.”

LOL. SHE DEFERS TO HIM. That’s twice now, with the drink ordering and the car color picking. I hate her so, so much.

Sweeney: IT’S SO FUCKING ANNOYING. She’s all, “OMG, he’s gonna let me make choices? So cool! Ugh, but choices are hard. Never mind.”

Lor: Whatever. They eat lunch.

He recounts the history of Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc., and the more he reveals, the more I sense his passion for fixing problem companies, his hopes for the technology he’s developing, and his dreams of making land in the third world more productive. I listen, enraptured. He’s funny, clever, philanthropic, and beautiful, and he loves me.

It’s really great that a conversation that would reveal him as anything other than the scariest man ever is withheld from us. Instead, we get full car conversations and the first and last name of the Saab car salesman and the fact that there are a lot of boats at the marina because THOSE seem like totally useful details.

Sweeney: E. L. James has no idea how to write a conversation that paints him as anything other than the scariest man ever. Because it can’t be done. Because he is the scariest man ever.

Lor: 

In turn he plagues me with questions about Ray and my mom, about growing up in the lush forests of Montesano, and my brief stints in Texas and Vegas. He demands to know my favorite books and films, and I’m surprised by how much we have in common.

Ana hates herself so much. Grey is talking and he’s “recounting” and “revealing.” She’s talking and Grey is “plaguing her with questions” and “demanding” to know things. Maybe she feels like she has nothing to say because when he asks for her opinion or wants to know more about her, she defers to him or feels plagued.

Lunch over, Grey leads Ana to his boat which is the real reason we are at the marina (which is a place that has a lot of boats.) It’s huge and impressive and named The Grace. Ana is shocked that he’s named it after Mama Grey, because he doesn’t usually seem very warm around her. She doesn’t say this, just kind of stutters and Grey clarifies: Grace Trevelyan saved my life. I owe her everything. This is the first time it is evident to Ana that Grey loves his mommy. Ana is super confused about why he isn’t affectionate with her then, because it’s not like she has any evidence to support that his ways of showing affection are stunted and/or inappropriate.

Sweeney: This whole section is part of the cracked out logic that he is demonstrating his UNDYING LOVE for Ana when he’s an asshole. You see, he loves his mommy so much he pissed on a boat on her behalf named a boat after her! Thus, it’s clear that treating people like shit is how he shows his love. Ana sure is loved.

Lor: On board we meet some Boat Man and get some Boat Details I care absolutely nothing about. Grey introduces Ana to the Boat Man as his “girlfriend” and her Inner Goddess does an “arabesque.” I momentarily wonder if this is better or worse than the ice skating stuff, but then we are informed that her Inner Goddess is also in the new convertible Grey just bought them. Arabesque. In a convertible. Convertible. In her head.

We get a tour of the boat but still, nobody fucking cares. They get to the bedroom and see a bed so it’s BOOM, kissing time.

“Might have to christen this bed,” he whispers against my mouth.

Oh, at sea!

YEP. At sea! Because it’s a BOAT. At the marina. Where boats are.

Grey gets a lifejacket on Ana and they have a, “you like tying me up/you are a pervert/you are my pervert” conversation. Ana notices Boat Man doing something with ropes and asks Grey if this is how he picked up his mad rope skillz. They get a little flirty, in which Ana jokingly acts like ropes aren’t fun for her. Then she’s all LOL. GOTCHA. I LIKE YOUR ABUSE and Grey thinks it’s totally lolsy.

Sweeney: HILARIOUS. -_-

blairisnotamused

Lor: Ana sees Boat Man again and wonders if he knows a few rope tricks, but she quickly pushes the thought away because thinking about another man in a sexual context is something Ana has NEVER done, is totally embarassing and gross, and FOR SHAME. Also probably because Grey has tapped into her brain waves and will know if she does think about other men. HE WILL KNOW.

Grey lets Ana grab the wheel and soon leaves her with instructions to steer it straight while he does whatever you do with sails. Ana muses that she likes to see Grey interactiving with Boat Man, and wonders if they are friends, seeing as how he doesn’t have very many. And neither does she… and hey! Remember Kate! Ana does for like a second. Moving on.

The boat starts going fast and Ana is having so much fun and right now her list of life exhilarating moments looks like this: 1. Gliding. 2. Red Room of Pain and 3. Sailing.

Grey and Ana have more flirty times and once again Ana reflects on her good fortune.

“Yes, you’re a lucky bitch, my subconscious snaps. But you have your work cut out with him. He’s not going to want this vanilla crap forever… you’re going to have to compromise. I glare mentally at her snarky, insolent face and rest my head against Christian’s chest. Deep down I know my subconscious is right, but I banish the thoughts. I don’t want to spoil my day.”

One day he’s going to want to beat you again. Best to think about that tomorrow!

They anchor and Boat Man makes himself scarce because it’s Sexy Time O’Clock. They go down into the cabin. Ana strips for him and she tells us that she no longer feels embarrassed- only sexy.

Slowly, I slip my panties off, letting them fall to my ankles, and step out of them, surprised by my grace.

She… stepped out of her underwear. She literally lifted one leg and then another. HOW GRACEFUL COULD YOU BE?

Standing before him, I am naked and unashamed, and I know it’s because he loves me. I no longer have to hide.

Sweeney: Before you start the well deserved rant: she finally used the word “naked” correctly! So, there’s that.

Lor: Not making me feel better. Rant:

Before, having sex was totally shameful. Not because of the manipulative way Grey used it, but because HE HADN’T SAID I LOVE YOU. I mean, mind you, he hasn’t really said it now either, but he implied it so Ana is no longer a whore! She’s practically married, really! These books are all about learning to explore your sexuality, as long as it’s in a pre-approved relationship. Namely, one where I love you’s are exchanged.

Sweeney: YUP. THANKS, BOOK; I was wondering where my rageface had gone.

Lor: They have sex and it’s really the same sex we’ve been reading about in this desert for 40 years.

Wait. I’m confused.

 

Whisper Count – 10
Murmur Count – 16

BONUS: “Fifty” was used 10 times in this chapter.

Favorite comment last post: I have to ask: in the midst of all the AWESOME advice Dr. Best was handing out, did he remember to mention that a woman’s body can shut down that whole pregnancy thing if it wants to? Because I hear that’s totally true… – Karen

 

Next time on Fifty Shades Darker: Grey talks about why he doesn’t have any friends. Find out if his is answer is, “because I killed them all,” in Chapter 10.

 

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Sweeney (all posts)

I collect elaborate false eyelashes, panda gifs, and passport stamps. I earned my MA in Global Communications and watching too many YouTube videos. Now people pay me to edit YouTube videos. The circle of life. Reconciling my aversion to leaving the house/wearing pants with my deep desire to explore everything is my life's great struggle.





 

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  • I would really like to know the brand of this shower defying lipstick. Mine stays on for an hour if I’m lucky, and even my 24 hour super lasting kind is like 8 hours tops. Not that I want mine to last 3 days, 4 changes of clothes. a shower, and who knows how many vigorous sweaty activities, but still, this super magical lipstick could probably make a killing in sales.

    • Yep. Definitely do not want to wash my face only to discover that my lipstick has survived. Not really the result I go for when I do that whole, “wash my face” thing.

    • Don’t give the Fifty Shades of Apocalypse Omen Branding demons see this idea.

  • Clair Alexander

    I totally forgot about Kate, where the hell is she again?
    Anyway, I’m glad she can look past the physical and mental abuse… as long as he wears a cable knit sweater he can do no wrong.

    • She’s somewhere tropical still on vacation with Grey’s brother, Elliot. If only she would’ve taken her plum dress with her.

      The sweater made him look hawt!

    • Right? When her name comes up it’s always all, “Oh, yeah! Her! LOL.” Either that or, “WHY CAN’T I GO FAR AWAY LIKE HER?”

  • You know, I think the many religious allusions are appropriate. Based solely on the number of times I scream “Jesus Christ!” when reading your choice excerpts, it could well be one of the holiest books around.

    Also … can we get a second bonus count on the number of times Ana said “he loves me!?” What is she, 10? I expect her to start describing the heart-adorned notebook which she’s filled with practice signatures of “Ana Grey … Anastasia Grey … Mrs. Christian Grey … Ana the Spineless Moron Grey …”

    But I guess it wasn’t all bad. I learned that marinas have boats. Total shocker, that.

    • Strawberry_Pocky_Moose

      I find it hilarious that Ana constantly feels the need to state the obvious and/or reiterate what we already know, like some hyperactive kid with a short attention span. She reminds me of Dory from Finding Nemo, except without the cuteness or personality :3

      • Definitely same attention span though. “Ow! Being hit hurts. What was I just saying? I LOVE CHRISTIAN.” Later, rinse repeat.

      • Bahahaha A+ for this.

      • Love it. I was thinking Rain Man … except without the intelligence or emotional maturity.

      • Jen

        So I have recently started watching “Dexter” and can’t stand his girlfriend/wife Rita because she reminds me so much of Ana! I keep yelling at the TV (because I’m lovely like that) for her to “USE YOUR ADULT VOICE!!!”. And when a scene with her in it ends I say, “and then she dies…”. I understand she may actually die in some upcoming season, so that keeps me going (I hope it isn’t one big tease).

        Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, there are a lot of things in common between Dexter and FSOG- murdery boyfriend, women who act like virginal children… What else am I missing?

        • Jen

          Oh- and marinas! How could I forget the boats/marina connection?

        • Strawberry_Pocky_Moose

          Wow. I literally five seconds ago posted a comment on the new recap posing my theory about how Christian reminds me of Dexter. And then I went to my email and saw your reply here. LOL FOREVER. Great minds think alike 😀 (and sociopaths act alike! wee!)

    • My and Jesus have definitely gotten closer through the reading of this book.

      Also, I almost included a whole rant on the “he loves me” bits because it portrays both her self esteem and self centered issues. She’s telling us all these great things about Grey… but the only reason they matter IS BECAUSE HE LOVES HER. She only feels confident, sexy, BECAUSE HE LOVES HER. Over and over again, and maybe we’re supposed to think it’s romantic, because EL keeps saying, “love” but we know better than that around here.

      On a different note: did you know that marinas have boats?

      • I do now. Did you know that boats can sink? AND THEN THEY DIE.

        • A+

          Maybe Boat Man could help Taylor and GSP in their quest?

    • I would say that I’m certain she has such a notebook that also includes locks of his hair, but she also makes it a point to give us pointlessly detailed summaries of nearly every moment of every day, so I can’t figure out when she would have had the time to make it. She must have though…

      • Maybe she sneaks away during the hours she’s allowed/ordered to sleep. Sleep deprivation could explain how/why she’s anthropomorphized her “Inner Goddess” (I gag just typing that) and her subconscious. The good news here is that sleep deprivation can have fatal consequences. So “Ana takes out her journal AND THEN SHE DIES” could happen.

  • “Anastasia Steele: wears cooter balls in public”

    That could be a great t-shirt. Or bumper sticker.

    • Snark Squad t-shirts. Coming Soon.

      • ONE DAY.

        • Buttercup

          YES! I will buy them, wear them, and give them to people I love. I am dying for the one that had the appropriate order from one of your readers – because otherwise how do we know if the dress goes on first or the cooter balls? (ew)

  • wolf

    I once read a fiction book about a woman with multiple personality disorder who had three different personalities, and before it was revealed they were actually the same person, they would get together and have discussions/rants about the one who was currently the dominant personality….it still made 100% more sense than the conversations/childish faces/acrobatics/I-have-more-stuff-in-my-head-because-of-my-obvious-lack-of-a-brain-than-anyone-else-does show off thing Ana has with her subconscious and her inner goddess and whoever else got sucked into that abysmal hell dimension….oh and at least one of the personalities from the book ended up killing people…ending of choice for Fifty Shades: Ana’s subconscious takes control at last, murders everyone, AND THEN THEY DIE!

    • HELL DIMENSION. I would not be surprised if FS was now incorporated into the torture.

      Her subconscious really does hate her, and GSP isn’t getting the job done. SOMEONE NEEDS TO STEP UP ON THE MURDER.

    • My optimism has me searching for potential murderers everywhere in this story. I REFUSE TO RULE OUT ANA’S SUBCONSCIOUS.

  • Strawberry_Pocky_Moose

    Aw, I’m sad for you guys that you’ve now had to start a ‘fifty’ count. If you snark the third book (oh please keep going. I know it’s horrible and mind-melting but WE LOVE YOU FOR IT!!) that counter is gonna blast through the roof, or so I hear. That silly nickname becomes even more prevalent than the inner goddess/subconscious batshittery. Just something else to look forward to 😉

    I’m also sad that a book that tells women that you can’t bump uglies with a guy until he’s confessed undying love for you is being hailed as sexually liberating. Sometimes I hope I’ll wake up tomorrow and be back in a world where Harry Potter is still topping the bestsellers list, the last emo vampires belonged to Anne Rice and didn’t sparkle, and feminism is a thing that actually happened.

    • It’s not an official fifty count but it was super abused in this chapter. I love my Fifty this and my Fifty loves me that. I like that even the author kept reminding us how fucked this entire deal is.

      HOW COULD IT BE MORE PREVALENT THAN ONCE A PAGE? I am afraid.

      I like that world and I suddenly feel the need to re-read all the Harry Potters.

      • Strawberry_Pocky_Moose

        Be afraid, Lor. Be very afraid. Pretty soon Christian starts referring to HIMSELF as Fifty Shades.

        🙁

        Dani – did you know a Fifty Shades fanfic has been published? It’s called Devil’s Brand, and every time someone reads it Cthulhu kills a kitten.

    • “LOL FEMINISM.” she says as she sobs into a bottle of wine.

    • I want to wake up in that world, too! My friend and I used to snark about the Twilight books, appalled that such garbage was not only published but adored by millions. “They’re the worst books EVER!” we used to say. I’m pretty sure Fifty Shades is our punishment for that. Twilight was awful, but Fifty Shades takes terrible to new depths. Which just makes me wonder … will there be a new series in a few years (based on a Fifty Shades fanfic, perhaps) that makes us look at Fifty Shades the way we now look at Twilight? **shudders**

  • Gen

    I can’t really explain why, but Lor’s capitalization of the term “Boat Details” just had me giggling maniacally.

    • I skipped so much of the chapter that it felt like it needed proper capitalization. 🙂

      • Stuff We Skipped. Can we just do that? Guys, spoiler alert for chapter 10! Expect it just to read “Stuff We Skipped”

  • Inner Goddess now has a convertible… in which she can perform arabesques…

    I’m 90% sure that EL James gets these kinds of ideas from Lizzie McGuire. Too bad Lizzie McGuire’s alter ego was never involved in a freak motor incident AND THEN SHE DIED, or nearly half of our problem would be solved.

    • LIZZIE MCGUIRE. LOL.

      That is an amazing analogy but I’m also sure that that show was about 1000% better than this poop.

      Again, the AND THEN SHE DIES game is so much fun when you all play with us!

    • I LOVE THAT YOU JUST MADE A LIZZIE MCGUIRE REFERENCE.

  • I wish I still had words left but that chick is so fucked up and doesn’t even understand the simplest things in life that I just can’t with her anymore. And not in a good way. In an AND THEN SHE DIES MUHAHAHA way.

    And just wow, that is some super resilient lipstick, it’s like permanent make-up. Unfortunately it’s only on his back and not like that episode of FRIENDS where Ross draws a mustache on Rachel’s face while she is asleep, in permanent marker, nobody gets to make fun of Grey in public for wearing lipstick.

    • The amount of AND THEN SHE DIES in the comments this week is making me super happy. I know that she won’t die, but look at us! All dreaming about it together.

      If Grey ever breaks up with Ana, she could just locate that lipstick and deface his face. That would be cool.

      • Sadly, I know. It’s good though, that we’re all dreaming the same dream here. Can AND THEN SHE DIES be a happy place? I’m voting for yes!

        • “And then she dies” actually had a really long-winded back story that I would love to share with you all, but I can’t figure out a time or place where it makes sense because it’s too long to explain as a tangent in a post. The short version is that it’s related to my “post secret: I read Twilight” tag. And that is all.

          • LOL, is it too short for a special FSoD post? I would love to hear the story. And you did some extra material before so it would be nice. But no pressure. I read Twilight as well but thankfully forgot most about it by now.

          • When my marriage was still young (it’s almost voting age), I asked my husband to tell me a bedtime story. This was his reply: Once there was a beeeeeaaaauuutiful princess. But she died. The end.

            So this “And then she died” trend is making me stupidly happy.

  • Angi Black

    Aside from all the horrible things about, well…all of it, why are there so many..you know, I can’t even finish that statement. Hey Maybe Ana will jump off the boat. (Spoiler: she doesn’t) But a girl can dream.

    • Sometimes it’s best just not to ask. 😉

    • Beautiful dreams.

  • Polge Clément

    I love the “she respected my boundaries from day one” stuff, it makes me think of Mama grey giving birth, and baby Grey bitch-slapping the doctor saying “DON’T TOUCH ME”, then walking with his little baby legs to the vending machine to get a soda because breast milk is for loser (except if it’s from your girlfriend, because I can totally see that happening in this book).

    • Whatever

      It’s going to happen. Seriously. Book 3.

      • STOP IT WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME.

        • Polge Clément

          BUT AND THEN HE DIES of an indigestion AND THEN SHE DIES because she’s sad. That’s what happen, right ? Right ?

  • I hate to point this out again (I really don’t), but the subconscious functions by processing crap your conscious cannot deal with and you don’t get to know about it until it has reached an acceptable level of what the fuckery that your conscious mind is capable of taking over. Many, many things never make it out, and that is good.

    Your subconscious is the Schrodinger’s Cat of your brain. You have no idea if things are in there or not, and you do NOT want to open that box without careful preparation, because what’s hanging out in there can shatter you or scare you or make you realize exactly how fucked up you are, and no one wants that. Pandora’s little make up kit has nothing on the crap stored in our subconscious.

    So the fact that Ana’s talks to her means either (a) she is actually schizophrenic, in which case I’d like to see that clever subconscious take over and run like hell from Creepoid McSmacky OR (b) she is too stupid to recognize her own conscious protestations against the incredibly dangerous situation she’s attempting to normalize and label as “love.” In which case, AND THEN SHE DIES is too good a fate.

    Presented with the only thing in this book that should be sub, E.L. James muffs it entirely.

    • You are trying to apply actual world logic and sense here, so it was pretty much doomed to be ignored from the start.
      🙁

    • Creepoid McSmacky. That’s fifty shades of funny.

  • I resent this book, nay, series, a lot because it is ruining Seattle, where I live. We are nice, kind-hearted humanitarians and philanthropists and one of the most intelligent cities in the USA! I also find it hard to believe E.L. James couldn’t use Google to find a specific nice hotel in Seattle or a generic one such as the Hilton. Worst writer ever.

    • If you follow us on Facebook, then you may have seen how Lor’s recent trip to Seattle was severely tarnished by this book. I have only been once, and barely at that. I had a super long layover on my way to Alaska and I knew that there was decent public transportation into the city. I basically rode in long enough to get so terribly lost that I spent my entire time in Seattle figuring out how to get back to the airport. Point: I would love to go back for real, but I think I’m going to have to wait until these books are out of my life and I’ve had time to heal.

  • Kim Alexander

    Forget about Ana’s inner goddess doing an arabesque in a convertible, I think I’d like to see Ana done in a convertible. Preferably when it’s zooming down a highway. And then she dies. 🙂

  • Alex

    Long time reader, first time commenter here!

    I have actually read all the books after my sister persuaded me that they were soooo good, and then kept telling me that if I read just a bit further then the story would get sooo much better whenever I asked her ‘are you kidding me?!’. Yeah, we’re no longer speaking now. But this does mean that I have fun reading your recaps and knowing what is going to be coming up. There are certain chapters ahead where I just cannot wait to see your reactions.

    Anyway, I just had to finally comment to say thank you for brightening up my Thursdays! I always have a tough day at work on a Thursday, so I now reward myself by sitting down to read your latest installment when I get home. So, thank you ladies for keeping me sane!

    • Thank you for your comments! As we love to remind everyone, these books are testing our sanity, so THANK YOU for the comments, which keep us sane! Comments are easily the highlight of my Wednesdays/Thursdays at work 😀

      Keep judging your sister for doing this to you. We feel your pain.

    • I came to this thread for a completely different reason, but seeing “Snark Lady” next to your name on your “first time commenter” comment made me go “awwwwwwwwwww”.

      • THAT’S THE BEST THING EVER

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  • Acy

    Rereading this, I am offended afresh by the fact that EL James tarnished my (real) name by using it for a relatively significant character in these horrific “plotlines.” I don’t want a boat from Fifty Shades showing up in relation to my name on Google, thank you.

  • sarah

    Can I just point out that baroque was the era in the 17-18th centuries and the Old Testament was, well before BC. So whilst toweling one another off in the bathroom and Ana gets all misty eyed about the ‘old testament baroque painting’ allegory, it just makes it even more clear (despite the fact we’ve all been beaten about the head a million times already) that E.L James has no fucking idea what she is on about.

    Ladies – I am LOVING the abridged recaps! I tried to read the books, but got to the 4th chapter of the 1st one, threw a tantrum, put it down and refused to go any further. There are a thousand different problems with the books that you have so entertainingly pointed out, but it was the godawful writing ‘style’ of E.L James that just killed it for me – I didn’t even get in so far to complain about the BDSM = Domestic Violence business.

    Frankly, I can read most stuff and still enjoy it, despite all kinds of problems – including the Twilight series, which I managed to work through several times (let’s face it, as crap as Stephenie Meyer’s writing abilities are, they are far above and beyond the drivel that E.L James vomited out onto paper) but even I couldn’t stomach this rubbish.

    • Not that I’m defending EL James, because URGH. But I strongly suspect what she was attempting to say was that it’s a Baroque era painting of something from the Old Testament. She just worded it REALLY poorly. Like everything else in this trainwreck of a series…

  • Brandi1leigh

    If the person who you lose your virginity to owns your soul FOREVER, a lot of people are going to be in serious trouble…

    • *raises hand*

      Yep.

  • Jennie M. Lacy

    “She respected my boundaries from day one, even though it was painful for her. I was very self-sufficient as a child,” he says quietly.

    I feel a swift kick in the ribs as I think of a small copper-haired child looking after himself because no one else cares.”

    To be fair (OMFG WHY AM I BOTHERING TO BE FAIR???), I’m pretty sure that despite the unclear phrasing of the horrible writing, what he was saying was that “Grace respected my boundaries… But she was able to do so, because I had ALREADY become a very self-sufficient child, out of necessity, because of the crack-whore.” Which makes the “looking after himself because no one cares” accurate, because they were both referring to Grey’s life prior to rescue. Which all still could have been written so very much more clearly.

    • Well, my issue here isn’t with what Grey is trying to say. You are right about what Grey is saying: he became self-sufficient because of necessity. Grace respected that. My issue is that Ana immediately thinks, “no one else cares!” Even if she’s directing that mostly at the crack whore, how can you just have heard about how an adoptive, kind mother respects a child’s boundaries and think, “omg, no one else cares.”

      STFU, Ana.

  • Alicia

    Ana is grinning and Grey is looking tortured after he admits that he loves her. Uh, if you realize you may love someone and you have never loved someone before, shouldn’t that be a happy moment? Not torturous? Also you should probably actually say the words “I love you” for them to have any kind of meaning in this situation.

    As for her towel turban looking like a veil…I can’t see it. Has ELJ never seen someone wrapping a towel around their hair before? It never looks like a veil, ever.

    It also pisses me off that these two keep getting put on the same page as God, or immortal beings, by their stupid author. Although I’m pretty sure that’s another thing ripped from Twilight, because SMeyer was constantly comparing Edward to a god, so…yeah. And, how the hell is the lipstick STILL THERE??? He must not have washed his back very good, that must be one super-sticky lipstick.

    Yep, according to Grey, because he was the only one who made Ana orgasm, she is his forever, heaven forbid anyone else ever touch her no-no areas. While some girls might look at that as, “Aw, that’s cute, it means they have found each other, they are the ones for each other”, I just see it as, “Ew, that’s creepy.”

    Okay, so since he supposedly admits that he loves her, the idea of being beaten by him no longer fills Ana with dread. Did you hear that, everyone? Love makes domestic abuse fears go away!! Also, cable knit sweaters make a murderer look less scary, probably.

    I’m sorry, but her inner goddess is supposed to represent her sexuality, right? Then WHY THE HELL IS IT ACTING LIKE A FIVE YEAR OLD?? I still managed an “ew” face as I was reading this. NOT SEXY NOT SEXY NOT SEXY.

    In one sentence, Ana’s safety is like a religion with him and then in the next she thinks that he’s God’s gift to women but he loves her. I’m pretty sure that Bella thought a very similar thing about Edward, no? Ana needs to fuck right off with that holier than thou attitude. I’m pretty sure God also threw up a little bit in His mouth.

    Christian let her choose between white and silver for the car he got her, and now he’s going to be oh-so-generous in letting her choose what she wants to drink, and again she gives it all up to him. And it’s always fucking wine. I think these two are serious alcoholics. The only other thing I see them drink in this series is orange juice. And the fact that he was going to “let” her choose is again supposed to be special. But nope, I’m not buying it.

    Dear EL James, here is a lesson on useless details:
    Useless details: The name of the car salesman. Why? Because he won’t ever be mentioned again.
    Important details: Maybe some of the things that Grey and Ana have in common so we can see they actually do have things in common instead of you just telling us, also it might make him seem like more of a person and less of a creepy murderer.

    So, basically Ana thinks that it’s okay if Grey normally treats people like shit, so long as he tells them one or two times (or names a boat after them or gives them a sosorryibeatyou playlist on an iPad) that he loves them. That is love in Ana-speak.

    Ah, Kate. Ana only remembers her for like, two whole seconds this entire book so far. She’s such a good friend.

    OF COURSE. Only now that Grey has said he loves her, does she feel unafraid by his beatings, unashamed of being naked (GASP! SHE SAID THE WORD!) in front of him, graceful, confident, and no longer has to hide. This must be part of the so-called “Grey Effect” she spoke of before. As long as you’re in love with the person you’re having sex with, there’s no need to feel ashamed. Is THAT the “liberating” message that women keep defending this crap with???