Previously: Everyone did their best to settle in- Jon Snow by helping his less fortunate Wall-mates, Arya by forgiving her sister and learning how to kick ass and Daenerys by getting knocked up.
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Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things
Lorraine: A crow flies into a courtyard and Bran Stark, in the middle of practicing archery, watches it. He’s standing up on two legs, so I’m inclined to think A MIRACLE happened. Or, you know, this a dream. Bran follows the crow and when he’s close enough, he notices it has a third eye. Interesting.
Sweeney: Probably not significant or important in any way.
Lor: WHATEVER. You know I like dreams and metaphors, man. TV shows do this to me.
Bran wakes up, his adorable direwolf chilling next to him, and his creepy old lady nurse still knitting creepily. Theon Greyjoy comes in to announce that they have visitors. Bran doesn’t want to go, but Robb Stark, his older brother and acting Lord of Winterfell, is making it non-optional. A big man they call Hodor is called into the room to carry Bran downstairs. Hodor doesn’t say anything but “hodor” which I guess helped with the naming process.
Downstairs, the visitor is none other than Tyrion Lannister. He’s getting an icy welcome from Robb and suggests that maybe he learn “a lord’s courtesy.” Tyrion is just here for Bran, anyways. He first asks if Bran remembers anything, which he doesn’t. He then asks if he likes to ride and Bran’s all, “insensitive much? I used to like riding.” Tyrion says, “even a cripple can ride.” Bran says he isn’t a cripple, which gives Tyrion another opportunity to lay some “accept who you are” wisdom on everyone. Then, he presents Bran with plans for an elaborate saddle that will allow him to ride sans working legs.
Sweeney: I’ll be real and say that by the end of the second season I found it hard to stay on this TYRION IS THE BEST FOREVER bandwagon, BUT all of this reminds me of why I was on it in the first place. And I honestly don’t remember why I fell off it.
Lor: He’s a very gray character, so far. Not as easy to love off the bat, like Arya, let’s say. But also, not exactly Christian Grey. SORRY. I DID IT AGAIN. I’LL STOP MENTIONING HIM NOW.
Robb is dubious, but Tyrion makes it clear that he has a soft spot for episode titles. WHOOPS. Sorry. For cripples, bastards and broken things.
Robb reluctantly offers Tyrion a place to stay, but he’s got a better place- the whore house nearby. Bets on whether or not that’s where he was gonna stay anyways? Right.
Outside, Greyjoy sees Tyrion off by recommending a nice red-headed prostitute.
Probably not this one.
Mostly, though, Tyrion is being really useful for giving Greyjoy back story, via some disparaging remarks about the Starks being his masters. Tyrion correctly guesses that Lady Stark isn’t actually in Winterfell, but Greyjoy reveals nothing, earning more snark from Tyrion. Greyjoy is a well-kept hostage, from what I gather. The Greyjoy family led a rebellion and all of Theon’s brothers died. Finally, Tyrion throws a coin his way and says it’s for his next time with Julia Roberts.
Sweeney: This scene was one of the many key tidbits that I missed the first time I was watching, because we were talking about other shit. It wasn’t until much later that I finally registered his relationship to the Starks.
Lor: At the Wall, Jon Snow is still teaching his lesser Wall-mates how to fight. They are soon distracted by a new recruit, trudging out to greet them, and he’s a pudgy fella. Not even massive. Just, sort of round and fluffy. His name is Samwell and he announces he’s come to take the black. “Come to take the black pudding?” a Wall-mate jokes, and it’s funny you see, because Samwell is fat and pudding is delicious. WAIT. I just Googled this and have discovered that black pudding is actually sausage, and I feel cheated out of dessert.
Sweeney: As do I. Rude.
Lor: The head wall guy in charge tells Samwell to show everyone what he’s got versus a nearby Wall-mate. Sam gets beat badly, falling to the ground and squealing that he yields. The Head Wall Guy in Charge tells him to get up, but he doesn’t. HWGiC instructs one of the guys to wallop him until he gets up, which I’m going to go ahead and guess makes getting up pretty difficult. Jon Snow has had enough and helps Samwell, causing HWGiC to declare the pair in love and develop a new game: all three nearby Wall-mates against Snow. Snow wins because he is awesome and the HWGiC leaves.
Sweeney: BOOM. A+ FOR JON SNOW.
Lor: Snow tells Sam it won’t get any easier, and a Wall-mate says something else, but I’m distracted by all the spittle he says it with. Finally, Sam tells us his problem is that he’s a coward.
Dothraki riding in carriages. JUST KIDDING. ON HORSE BACK. The Dothraki processional heads under an arch made of two horses. Ser Jorah, who we’ve previously identified as the speaker of English, helpfully announces that this is Vaes Dothrak, home to the Dothraki. Viserys Targaryen is not impressed. He calls the city a pile of mud populated by savages. His sister, Daenerys, takes offense. These are her people, you see. Viserys says these are his people too. (S: Not even too. Just his and fuck her. Because he’s the worst.) It’s his army that he bought with his little sister’s hand in marriage. He brats off. I just made brat a verb, but it needed to happen in the case of Viserys.
Daenerys wants to know if the Dothraki army could actually conquer the Seven Kingdoms. Jorah points out their fear of water, which is tricky on account of all the water that separates the two peoples. He also says that while King Robert is foolish enough to face them in open battle, the men advising him aren’t. He knows because he fought beside them once, and Lord Stark, current hand of the king, wants his head on account of him selling slaves. He clarifies he only did it because he was a poor man with an expensive wife. Now, she’s someone else’s expensive wife so I guess the selling slaves thing didn’t really work out for him.
Cut to Viserys in a bath with a girl we’ve seen before. She was the one who gave Daenerys sex-ed classes and who I previously called the Handmaiden with the Heart of Gold. She makes some sexy-bath-time conversation, and asks after his nickname, “The Last Dragon.” She wants to know if that means he has dragon’s blood. Maybe! he says, though I think it more likely that he has dragon’s breath. He looks like he has bad breath.
He then goes on about how brave men used to ride dragons and that it was a dragon who forged the Iron Throne, which is that thing of melted together swords which looks like no fun for your butt. The Handmaiden says she’s always wanted to see a dragon because they can fly and hurt people, which is super deep coming from a girl who was sold to a pleasure house during childhood. She asks Viserys if he’s ever seen a dragon, but he hasn’t. He’s only seen their skulls. The throne room used to be decorated with dragon skulls, and he had to memorize all their names. During this whole story, things progress from some under water fumbling to some insinuated penetration and fevered kissing. Mid-kiss, the Handmaiden asks what happened to all those skulls, and Viserys guesses that King Robert had them smashed. Handmaiden says that’s sad. Viserys suddenly realizes that it is, and he isn’t happy on account of being sad.
Viserys: “What did I buy you for? To make me sad?”
Handmaiden: “No, your Grace. To teach your sister.”
Viserys: “To teach my sister to be a better lover? You think I bought you to make Khal Drogo happy?”
Damn.
He sits back and tells her to get on with it, and she looks like someone just told her to stand up while being walloped with a sword.
Sweeney: He is just the worst.
Lor: King’s Landing. Sansa and her nanny are walking in the throne room toward the Iron Throne. The nanny says that someday her husband, Joffrey, also known as Prince Tremendodouche, will sit there and Sansa will sit beside him. Then Sansa will start churning out babies, as us women sure are good at, and then they will sit on the throne too. Sansa is a little sassy and asks what happens if she has all girls, and the nanny says the throne will pass to Joffrey’s little brother. Sansa says that the people will hate her if she has all girls and her nanny tries to reassure her. It’s not really working, though, because Sansa thinks Joffrey hates her. Plus, they are standing in the place where her grandfather and uncles died. She wants to know more about how that happened, but the nanny thinks she should talk to her dad about this. She doesn’t want to on account of he slayed her direwolf.
Sweeney: I’ve since forgiven her, but damn Sansa is majorly annoying now. Such a little brat.
Lor: I’m not overwhelmed by brattiness here. I think she’s in a tough spot with a lot of feels and a young understanding. AND THEY KILLED HER WOLF.
We now see Lord Stark in one of his king’s council meetings. The tournament that King Robert ordered in his honor is causing trouble in King’s Landing. Too many people means drunken riots and the like. Ned tells Littlefinger to find money to hire more guards. Meeting dismissed.
Elder council member Grand Maestre Pycelle says he envies the north their summer snows. I’m guessing he means north like the Wall, ’cause if not, the weather on this show is just going to confuse the hell out of me. (S: I don’t think he does mean north like the Wall; it’s the wonky seasons that are weird. I think.) Anyway, Ned asks him about Jon Aaryn, the previous hand of the king, who we know was killed by the M.F. Lannisters. Pycelle says that Aaryn’s sickness struck him hard and fast. Also, Aaryn came to Pycelle looking for a book the day before he died.
Sweeney: I approve of this as a final mission in life. A tombstone engraving, perhaps? “DIED IN SEARCH OF BOOKS.”
Lor: A+
In Pycelle’s office, we see the book in question. It’s a big, boring thing that details the lineages of the seven kingdoms. Pycelle has no idea what Aaryn wanted with it, but his last words were, “the seed is strong.” Again, we don’t know what this means. I’m guessing he meant the seed of CRAZY that passes via incest between the Lannisters. Also, blonde hair.
Ned shares his theory that Aaryn was poisoned, but Pycelle doesn’t think so. All the men loved him. “I’ve heard it said that poison is a women’s weapon,” Ned says ’cause we women love having babies and poison. (S: YUP.) Pycelle says, yeah, “women, cravens… and eunuchs” and oh, by the way,Varys, the bald headed member of the king’s council, is a eunuch.
Arya! We see her pulling a Karate Kid on the edge of small flight of stairs.
Ned happens across her and asks what she’s doing. Apparently Syrio, her awesomely ridiculous sword play teacher, said she should work on her balance. Also, she should chase cats around because cats are evil hard to catch.
Sweeney: Also because they are evil.
Lor: Arya asks after her brother Bran, and whether or not he will be joining them in King’s Landing now that he is awake. Ned says he needs to get his strength up first. She says he wanted to be a member of the king’s guard, but now can’t. Ned confirms this but assures her he can still be a member of the council or maybe even lord of a holdfast. Arya wants to be lord of a holdfast, but she can’t on account of having a vagina. (S: The Seven Kingdoms hate vaginas.) Ned tells her she can marry a high lord and rule his castle and give him sons who will be knights. “That’s not me,” Arya says, and she goes back to practicing her balance. Ned looks up at her like, “damn. I have the coolest kid ever.” You sure do, Ned. You sure do.
Wall, on top of the actual wall. Jon Snow is standing watch and Samwell comes to join him. He’s his new watch partner, but he can’t actually see very well, and also is afraid of heights. When Snow asks WTF he’s doing at the wall, Sam tells us a story about his dad who thought he was unworthy of his title and land and gave him an option: either take the black or I’m going to murder your face off. So, here he is at the Wall. Sam says he isn’t going to get better at fighting, but Jon says he can’t get worse, and they have a good laugh.
Sweeney: I know we should feel way bad for Sam, but he never fails to annoy me with his uselessness. That said, I love Jon Snow for sticking up for him.
Lor: I’m also annoyed by Sam and okay with Jon being kind, but this better not come back to bite him in the butt.
Littlefinger and Ned walk through a courtyard. Littlefinger knows that Ned is reading that boring genealogy book, thanks to Pycelle being a huge blabber mouth. Littlefinger wants to know if Ned has hear of Ser Hugh of the Vale, and he has not. Hugh was Jon Aaryn’s old squire who got knighted suddenly after Aaryn’s passing. Then, Littlefinger points out several normal looking people, whom he claims are spies for either Varys, the Queen or himself. He asks if there is anyone Ned trusts but “yes” is the wrong answer. Trust no one. Littlefinger leaves Ned with one last lead: an armorer whom Aaryn visited several times before his death.
Ned: “Perhaps I was wrong to distrust you.”
Littlefinger: “Distrusting me was the wisest thing you’ve done since you climbed off your horse.”
TRUST NO ONE, NED.
Ned sends someone to go talk to Ser Hugh, but its an unsuccessful endeavor. Ser Hugh is a knight now, and won’t speak to any little people. Ned goes to talk to the armorer himself, spies be damned, probably because he knows sooner or later peoples gotta start dying on this show, and making brash decisions this way is one way to get there. The armorer tells Ned that Aaryn would come by to talk to a boy named Gendry, who has dark hair, light eyes and excellent arms. After talking to him for a bit, and hearing that his yellow-haired mother died long ago, Ned deduces that he is King Robert’s bastard son.
Sweeney: A fact he just learned as while being all, “I DON’T CARE WHO SEES ME.” Good job. Extra good job announcing this out in the market, where people could very easily overhear him.
Lor: NED. STOP TRUSTING PEOPLE.
Jaime Lanniser stands outside King Robert’s room when the guy that’s been running errands for Lord Stark approaches. Jaime points out all the squealing and laughing coming from the King’s room and asks the man to guess how many women are in there. Apparently, Robert likes to do this while Jaime is on duty, which is a pretty asshole move. Jaime and Ned’s Man talk about a time they fought side by side, at something called the Siege of Pike. The Greyjoys were there being people’s enemy and stuff. Jaime mentions having seen Theon at Winterfell and how weird that was. He doesn’t think that Theon is a good boy. Ned’s Man wants to leave his, but Jaime snaps. “I don’t serve Lord Stark!” Ned’s man is all, “well, damn! Fine then!” and leaves.
The Wall cafeteria. Jon Snow sits and takes this opportunity to tell his Wall-mates that Sam is no different than them and that they need to protect him, not hurt him. This doesn’t go over well with the one guy who delivered the initial sword wallop on the instructions of Head Wall Guy in Charge, who here gets the name “Thorne.” Phew.
Sword Wallop Guy is sleeping when Snow and some of his Wall-mates wake him by way of rope in mouth. A white direwolf is standing on his chest and HEY! I’ve been meaning to ask where this wolf got to but there he is and he is amazing. The direwolf snarls and Sword Wallop Guy looks properly chastised.
Sweeney: DIREBOSS.
Lor: Out in the training field, Thorne watches as Sword Wallop Guy halfheartedly deflects Sam’s pansy advances. He tells another Wall-mate to jump in and this guy lets himself be stabbed by Sam. Thorne is not amused and says that they are all going to want a real man to have their back when they are out on the other side of the wall. Jon Snow looks pensive.
Sweeney: That’s kind of a favorite expression of his. He is super-broody, due to all of his I’m-Ned-Stark’s-Bastard-feels.
Lor: I’m noticing a pattern with you and me and broody guys.
Dothraki land. Viserys drags the Handmaiden with the Heart of Gold into Daenerys’ tent by her hair. “You send this whore to give me commands? I should send back her head!” Daenerys tries to explain that she only meant to invite him for dinner and offer him some more Dothraki appropriate clothing. This does not go over well, and he knocks Daenerys down to the floor yelling something about how she’s woken the dragon. She grabs a nearby belt made of small gold discs, and slaps him across the face with it.
“I am a khaleesi of the Dothraki. I am the wife of the great Khal and I carry his son inside me. The next time you raise a hand to me will be the last time you have hands.”
NICE. Can we just pause and celebrate this smack down with a little dance party?
Sweeney: I was about to jump in and get all excited about this moment and how much I loved watching her transition into HBIC, but then you did this and I just died. BEST.
Lor: Excellent. Moving on.
Wall Cafeteria. Snow and Sam are scrubbing tables, talking about the Night’s Watch officers who sneak off into brothels, while all of them have to take a celibacy vow. Snow says he didn’t think Sam would be so upset by celibacy, and Sam says he likes girls a whole lot, thank you very much. He’s just never been with one. Snow admits he hasn’t either, and I can’t be the only person who thought, “Oh. Let me fix that for you.”
Immediately.
Sweeney: YEP. Or, rather, yes, I had that thought. No, you are not the only one. Yes, IMMEDIATELY.
Lor: Snow says he got close one time, specifically with the whore we heard about earlier with the red hair. Her name is Roz, but I like calling her Julia Roberts better. Anyways, Julia Roberts was getting naked but Snow couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her pregnant and there being another bastard Snow out in the world. After story time, Sam jokes, “so you didn’t know where to put it?” They get into a friendly tussle just as Thorne walks in to suck all the joy out of the room. He’s here with stories about winter being stupid and one time they were north of the wall and had to eat their horses and then each other. He says they should’ve had fat boys like Sam with them, so they could eat him and use his bones for soup. Charming, ain’t it? We needed a little cannibalism to match the incest.
Sweeney: Indeed. I can’t believe it took until episode 4 for them to recognize that serious need.
Lor: Anyways, I think the point is that their training period is almost over and they will soon have their assignments. Thorne wants to play along in my game and predicts that they will both die. Good guess, Thorne!
Sweeney: Death for everyone!
Lor: In Daenerys’ tent, she is telling Jorah all about how she bitch slapped her brother the dragon. Jorah assures her that her brother Rhaegar was the last dragon. Viserys is just an idiot Jorah asks if she wants to see Viserys on the Iron Throne, and no, she doesn’t. She doesn’t think he can take them home or command an army.
The king and his family look super miserable as they sit overlooking the tournament. Sansa and Arya are seated nearby. Sansa ventures a small smile at Joffrey who just looks away, like the jerk he is. (S: She’s still a brat, but poor Sansa.) Littlefinger sits down next to Sansa and Arya immeditely asks after his name. Apparently, he was small as a boy and grew up in a place called Fingers. Welp. That’s boring. King Robert starts hooting and hollering and that’s Cersei’s cue to exit.
Littlefinger nicely narrates the jousting match by introducing us to both riders: The Mountain, who is the Hound’s older brother, and Ser Hugh, who is the knight we met earlier in the episode. Not long into the match, The Mountain strikes Ser Hugh with his lance, and it splinters into his throat. We watch him die a blood-sputtering death. Sansa is horrified and for some reason, Littlefinger figures he’ll just traumatize her some more by telling her the story of how The Hound got his scars: when they were children, The Mountain found him playing with one of his toys. He held The Hound’s face against hot coals until it melted. Sansa promises not to tell anyone that story and Littlefinger says that’s a good idea, as no one could protect her if she did.
Queen Cersei enters Ned’s chambers and claims to want to put the direwolf-killing-episode behind them. Ned gets some great, “bitch, please” looks in here that I appreciate very much. When he’s all, “cut the crap,” Cersei admits she wants to know what he’s doing in King’s Landing. He says he’s only there ’cause the king asked him, even if that means cleaning up the king’s mess. Cersei notes that Ned is just a soldier, taking orders. “Your older brother was trained to lead and you were trained to follow.” Ned shoots back that we was also trained to kill his enemies. Cersei smiles tightly, and says that so was she. She does not say anything, however, about being trained to sleep with her brother.
Sweeney: It’s kind of a shame that these two don’t have more scenes together, because not only are they the two best actors on the show, the two of them are such strong characters that this scene is just epic and awesome.
Lor: Agreed. There was great tension masked in all their faux-civility. Cersei’s declaration that she kills her enemies too could’ve been either a threat or an admission of guilt, i.e. Jon Aaryn. It was well played.
Lady Catelyn Stark and the man whose sideburns are long enough to tie under his chin sit in a tavern. Tyrion walks in and Lady Cat looks like she wants to be swallowed by the earth. Tyrion sees her, though, and loudly announces her presence, which shocks the people in the tavern. She stands and starts asking different men if they are still loyal to her father, and they are. Tyrion looks on quizzically. Finally, Cat reveals her hand:
“This man came into my house as a guest and there conspired to murder my son, a boy of ten. In the name of King Robert and the good lords you serve, I call upon you to seize him and help me return him to Winterfell and await the King’s Justice.”
The men all pull their swords and point them at Tyrion.
This cannot end well, and I don’t even mean for Tyrion.
Sweeney: YUP.
Next time on Game of Thrones: Will we pay for the lack of nudity in this episode in the next one? The answer is yes, but I mean, tune in anyways for S01 E05 – The Wolf and the Lion.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
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