Previously: Joffrey became king of incestuous crazy, NED DIED, the northern bannermen declared Robb king of the north, Arya is hiding out as a dude, and also DAENERYS AND DRAGONS.
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The North Remembers
Sweeney: Ten episode seasons are a bummer as a viewer because you always end thinking, “BUT I WANT MOAR!” However, as a recapper it’s awesome because of our sense of accomplishment when we actually complete things, which seems to happen nowhere near often enough.
So I’m rewarding myself by giving you a mega sloppy kickoff to season two. Meaning: I am not watching/writing with my giant chart in front of me, or even internet access, so please be prepared to join me in my confusion as I am forced to figure out who the fuck everyone is all by my lonesome. I expect to fail miserably and look forward to you all correcting us in the comments.
Lorraine: Hurray accomplishment! The season 2 thing, I mean. Also, I’m still in love with the credits so I can report that we went to King’s Landing, then to an island northeast of it called Dragonstone. North to Winterfell, super north to The Wall and then southeast to Vaes Dothrak.
Sweeney: I picture you reporting this like a weather girl. #snarksquadheadcanon
We begin the episode with some knight battle of sorts, but they’re just hitting each other in their crazy armor on a bridge on the castle walls in King’s Landing. Eventually one knocks the other into a pit below and the crowd cheers. Joffrey gets crazy excited and says, “Well struck, dog,” as the winning knight takes off his crazy helmet and reveals himself to be The Hound, our favorite creepy bodyguard.
Lor: A+. I am both in love with this headcanon and the fact we can use it twice.
Sweeney: Joffrey makes Sansa compliment the match, and her response is blank and devoid of emotion due to her having all the depression over her imminent worst post-period trauma ever in which she will be forced into a lifetime of Joffrey sex/abuse.
Lor: Also, you know, her dad was killed. But mostly Joffrey sex.
Sweeney: The next competitor is late and when he does show up, he’s a hot mess, stumbling around and drunk. We mentioned when Robert died that drunk is a good way to die, so I think this guy might read our recaps? Joffrey offers him wine and this guy thinks it’s legit, so never mind, he clearly does not. Joffrey has his knights waterboard him with wine. Sansa stops him because it’s bad luck to kill people on your name day. He gets pissy with her, but The Hound, creepy but lovable bodyguard extraordinaire, agrees. Joffrey spares him till the next day, but then! Sansa has a thought: “He is a fool, you’re so clever to see it,” she says. She suggests that Joffrey make him a court fool, which he thinks is brillz and Sansa gets the comfort of knowing that she saved someone else’s life, even though hers is fucking awful.
Lor: This was a lovely establishing scene for Sansa. Though she still had an ill-advised outburst, it seems she’s figuring out her way around inserting her Ned Stark honor into the court in a Lady Cat smart way. I hope she can keep it up.
Sweeney: This season is great for Sansa from a character development perspective. Awful from the perspective of her, experiencing all of this.
Tyrion rolls in, because he sensed that my feels needed lifting. He gives Joffrey a hard time and gushes over the two younger siblings, who maybe don’t suck, but I wouldn’t know because, “I’m glad you’re not dead,” is the most they’ve ever said. Given that Tyrion is the only Lannister I can even tolerate, that’s probs for the best.
Tyrion apologizes to Sansa for her loss, which gets Joffrey all, “WUT! TRAITOR!” and this scene demonstrates why Tyrion is infinitely better than the rest of his family as he continues to put Joffrey in his place. Sansa, however, doesn’t have Tyrion’s freedom to say what the fuck ever, so she brings back my feels as she is forced to denounce her traitor dead father, as well as her mother and brother. Watching her retreat inside her sad shell is just too fucking much and it’s hard to remember that this is a character I found incredibly irritating upon first introduction.
Lor: Agreed. Sophie Turner gives top notch sad eyes.
Sweeney: Totes a resume skill for her.
Tyrion runs off and we learn that Joffrey has no idea why the hell Tyrion is even there, because I guess he assumed mama would do all the king-handing. (L: HA! It’s funny, ’cause, incest.)
In small council, everyone is telling Cersei shit she doesn’t care about. There’s a bird and also there are peasants fleeing and trying to be refugees and Cersei gives no fucks and wants those peasants to GTFO and go eat cake or something.
Lor: Also: WINTER IS COMING. Like, for real this time. No, guys, for real.
Sweeney: FOR REAL FOR REAL.
Tyrion struts in whistling because he’s about to cut his bitch sister down a notch. After sharing his adventure stories he finally tells Cersei why he’s there. Cersei flips a shit and makes everyone leave so she can ask how Tyrion-the-least-favorite managed to pull this off.
Short version: Cersei is failing miserably, primarily with the whole letting her tremendodouche son take off Ned’s Stark head and put it on a spike to truamatize Sansa. Maybe not that last part because nobody really cares about what the womenfolk think. But the first part for sure.
Cersei tries to undermine Robb but Tyrion points out that Robb is winning and that losing the war would be a fucking catastrophe for them. Cersei finally cools her shit and reminds Tyrion that Joffery is king and he’s only there to advise. Tyrion’s on board with all of that and adds that if Joffrey listens (unlikely) then he might get his “uncle” Jaime back.
Then this happens: “You love your children. It’s your one redeeming quality — that and your cheekbones.” He’s fabulous.
Tyrion tries to go on about how the Starks love their family too and they have two Stark kiddos. One, Cersei corrects, due to Arya escaping. They used to have three Starks to trade until they chopped off one’s head and lost another, so that’s kind of a problem. Also, as we’ll be reminded repeatedly, Sansa, by herself, is kind of a useless bargaining tool because bannermen apparently don’t give any fucks about rescuing vaginas, since they can just buy those.
Anyway, amusing sibling times as Tyrion points out that it must be hard for Cersei to be the disappointing child.
Lor: If it makes Cersei feel better, Jaime is off somewhere being captured. Lame.
Sweeney: Back in Winterfell, Bran is doing lord duties and listening to all the struggles of his people. The first guy’s house is falling apart, but he can’t fix it because he’s sent all the young men off to fight Robb’s war. “King Robb,” Bran corrects, and adds that whole THEY BEHEADED MY DADDY thing to the mix. Maester Luwin intervenes in his majorly unsympathetic line of questioning to say that they can spare some people for a week to repair his walls and the guy is content with that.
Bran grumbles about how he didn’t like how that guy was talking about Robb. Maester Luwin didn’t either, “But listening to people you’d rather not listen to is one of your responsibilities as Lord of Winterfell,” Ew. No thank you to that job.
Lor: Also, the last one got beheaded, so yeah, no.
Sweeney: The job perks just keep adding up!
Then we get weird footage that appears to be from the perspective of a Direwolf. He looks up and sees a red comet like thing in the sky. (It’s daylight.) Then Bran wakes up. Yeah, Lor, I probably did say something about not caring about premonition dreams. Because I don’t. But there, I included that for you.
Lor: Thanks for that opening, because now I’m going to talk about this more. YOU GUYS. This is the second (maybe more?) time we’ve had a shot like this from the eyes of a direwolf. The first was down in the crypts. Remember, Bran “saw” his father down there? Turns out the only person down there was Rickon… with his direwolf. Now there’s this direwolf seeing the red comet in the woods. BRAN CAN SEE THROUGH DIREWOLVES.
Right? Right?
No, don’t tell me. That’s my guess though. I will boast about how awesome premonitions are if/when I’m right. If I’m wrong, WHATEVER. THEY ARE FUN.
Sweeney: I love you most of all.
Bran and our favorite captured Wildling, Nymphadora Tonks (I forgot her character’s name. I WARNED YOU.) (L: Osha!) are chatting out in the woods with Giant (L: Hodor! Hodor! Hodor!). She knows he’s been having the dreams and she’s all DRAGONS. THE RED COMET MEANS DRAGONS. Which, you know, true. The dreams are always true.
Our red comet segue magics us over to said dragons. Daenerys is trying to feed the one that chills on her shoulder. The Handmaiden With The Heart of Gold asks what Viserys said about dragons, but Dany doesn’t like that subject because fuck him (butomgnotliterally) and he knew nothing.
A horse collapses. It’s the white horse that was Drogo’s first gift to her, which would be a sad panda thing, but she’s too much of a dragon to even dwell on that. “I promised to protect them. I told them their enemies would die screaming. How do I make starvation die screaming?” DEEP, KHALEESI. DEEP.
She wants to know if there is another route besides this hell desert. All other roads lead to people who will kill them and take their dragons. “BITCH PLEASE, NOBODY IS TAKING MY DRAGONS.” That is almost a direct quote.
Since the dragons (and those people) are all too weak to fight, she rounds up some men to take the remaining horses and ride off in different directions and report back.
North of The Wall, our men of the Night’s Watch are riding into an itty bitty town-ish thing. Basically it’s one dude’s house/land. Whatever. Sam flips out because there are all sorts of GIRLS! The guy who owns this house marries all his daughters who give him more daughters. EW.
A sidebar on incest, because I can’t resist even if it makes me an asshole: someone mentioned that we should cut Jaime and Cersei some slack on the incest and not view it through our cultural lens. Immediate family incest, however, is gross in a way that extends beyond cultural norms. It’s biologically awful. Children of that kind of incest are infinitely more likely to be fucked up. So, no, I’m not going to stop finding it revolting. (Which is to say nothing of the other reasons that I still don’t care about Jaime, but am trying to withhold judgment on those reasons until season three where he’s supposedly going to be epic.)
Lor: Agreed, but also, I can’t not view it through our cultural lens. Sorry!
Sweeney: That too.
Back to the incest farm, we are reminded that even though all the other wildlings have vanished, this guy’s still here, so, score one for incest!? Also, Jon Snow points out that if he’s marrying all the daughters, that begs the question of what happens to the boys.
Inside, Papa Incest says he hasn’t seen Benjen in years and gives no fucks because he treated him like scum. (Not surprised.) Then he makes a comment about how these southerners make awesome wine, and Jon Snow gets all defensive about them not being southerners, even though he’s clearly not part of this circle and therefore should not be speaking.
Papa Incest says that Jon Snow is prettier than half his daughters, which is probably true, and we are again reminded that anyone south of the wall is a southerner. Also that everyone knows that Snow = bastard.
Lor: The definition of North is fun in context of the episode title.
Sweeney: Indeed.
Lord Commander Mormont has to make nice over this and is none too happy. I didn’t pay much attention to their conversation, though, because the camera pans to Jon Snow looking at the gaggle of Incest Daughters creeping on their conversation.
I check back in long enough to learn that a deserter is chilling somewhere in the north, ruling as King North of the Wall and he’s raising an army to march south.
LCM is more concerned about the long winter coming and says that Papa Incest should probs make plans to GTFO. Papa Incest grabs a nearby girl, mostly so that she can get a line in now so we recognize her later. She is ordered to talk about how much they love life up there and she’s only slightly more convincing in her speech than Sansa.
Lor: Okay, more incest ew. I know all of the ages are a little screwy, because they aged up a lot of the characters, but we’ve seen plenty of old men so I’m not clear on the life expectancy and what they expect us to consider “young.” That said, this man marrying his YOUNG daughters, girls who have likely not had much exposure to anything else and seem at least slightly threatened and emotionally manipulated. EW.
Sweeney: ALL OF THE EW.
After that, it’s time to confirm that Papa Incest will be letting them crash there for the night, but only after giving a creepy speech about how none of these celibate little shits are to touch his creepy incest daughters, especially Pretty Jon Snow.
Outside, Pretty Jon Snow continues to catch zero breaks, as Lord Commander Mormont bitches at him for speaking out of turn. He says that if Snow wants to lead one day then he needs to learn how to follow.
Elsewhere, we are witnessing a ceremony on the beach with lots of fire, being led by a majorly creepy redhead in a red dress. I don’t remember if I found her less creepy when I first saw her, but seeing her again now I am HORRIFIED by the sight. LEAVE MY SCREEN NOW.
A very old man hobbles up to make them stop, but nobody is willing, because they are big into her creepy ceremony. He is ultimately forced to stand down. She goes on to say that Stannis Baratheon, Warrior of Light, will take a sword that will be some prophesied light-bringer. He pulls a sword from a fire. Well, you know, I could prophesy that something lit on fire would bring light too.
Lor: I could prophesy that it would be hot. WHAT UP SNARKY PROPHETS.
Sweeney: THAT’S US. GOOD ONES, TOO.
The ceremony goes on and includes the words “for the night is dark and full of terrors” which we will hear a millionty more times. We also get a lot of shots of this other guy who wouldn’t speak out against this ceremony, but made shifty eyes throughout it, because that’s the easiest way to introduce a character with Conflicted Feelings.
The Very Old Man and Shifty Eyes have a little chat after everyone walks off, so that we can confirm that the red lady is up to some shady magic business far worse than the deadly magic of Buffy’s vagina.
Lor: Ask Mirri Maz Duur, witch lady up to no good, how that ended for her. Fire that brought light and heat, yo.
Sweeney: Shifty Eyes serves Stannis, even if he’s into some weird shit. Very Old Man tells him that loyal service means being honest, but Shifty Eyes isn’t sure what this unspoken truth is and he walks away.
In their council, they are preparing a letter on behalf of Stannis, declaring himself the true king, due to Joffrey being a gross incest baby. It’s a great way for us to learn how surly Stannis is, as he insists on edits like removing “beloved” before brother and adding “kingslayer” before Jaime.
Stannis recognizes that keeping the incest-bastard-kid news a secret is part of what got Ned killed and orders copies delivered to all of everywhere. Shifty Eyes then urges that Stannis make peace with his brother, due to all the bannermen he has pledged to him and Creepy Red Lady says he doesn’t need all that because Stannis has The Lord of Light behind him and yep I know I was creeped out by this bitch pretty quickly.
Shifty Eyes is all, “How many ships does the Lord of Light command?” And I’m all, “BAM! Well played, Shifty Eyes.”
Anyway, Stannis says that all the other King Shady’s are just imitating and he’s going to stand up and they will bend a knee or be destroyed.
Lor: A+ and I love you.
Sweeney: Very Old Man gets up trying to pretend that he’s suddenly on board with Red Lady and her creeperdom, offering to drink to his newfound conversion. Obvs its poisoned, and Red Eyes knows it, so she magics the poision into his cup. IDK. Then she stands over his dead body and repeats the stupid night-is-dark-and-full-of-terrors line.
Then it’s time for a really fucking awesome scene with Robb and Jaime. It’s like a slightly downgraded version of Ned/Cersei scenes, because neither of these two are quite on that level of BAMF, but it’s still great. Jaime mostly makes a lot of smarmy comments and Robb is big on the level-headed strategy or whatever. Jaime calls Robb “boy” and asks if he’s offended. Robb points out that he’s mostly insulting himself, as he’s been defeated and held captive by a boy, and might even be killed by one. The real thing that makes this moment amazing is that we hear direwolf breathing and watch Jaime look around — unsettled for the first time — by this direboss moment.
Sorry, Jaime fans, I focused principally on the Robb-being-a-direboss side of this conversation. I don’t care enough about Jaime, one way or another. But I will concede that he had some great lines?
Lor: As the direwolf walks away, Jaime kind of shakes his leg. I’d like to think he pissed himself. Just a little. That direwolf is HUGE! He’s more like a direpony. Yeesh.
Sweeney: I am adopting this headcanon. Also, I like direpony. Except ponies are less menacing than wolves. Direbear?
Back in King’s Landing, Shae is complaining about the pervasive smell of dead bodies and shit in that city. YUM! She goes on to talk about how much she loves the stink and noise of cities because they make her want to fuck. Tyrion cautions that nobody can know she is there and she needs to watch herself because everybody in King’s Landing is a lying liar who lies. Which is true.
Cersei finds Littlefinger to say that he’ll be in some sweet Lannister debt if he can find Arya, due to her usefulness as a bargaining chip and Cersei’s quest to stop being the disappointing child. Cersei notices that Littlefinger created his own sigil AND IT’S A MOCKINGBIRD. KATNISS EVERBAELISH.
Lor: I was going to amend a, “OMG! The characters of GoT in a Hunger Games!” comment, but these people already are playing their own Hunger Games, man. Carry on.
Sweeney: Truth. It’s like Quarter Quell level serious around here.
Littlefinger is avoiding agreeing to help her, suggesting she go to Varys. Cersei then tries to tell a “fable” which essentially outs his love for Cat. He responds with a fable of his own about incestuous children, which Cersei doesn’t like. He says that powerful families often forget that knowledge is power. She then follows with a fucking EPIC display of evil, in which she orders her men to seize him, cut his throat, nowaitnevermind, let him go, step back, turn around, put your left foot in. Everything but that last part. It was super badass. “Power is power,” she evils. I know that’s stretching the boundaries of making up verbs, but I’m pretty sure Cersei just made that into a verb.
Lor: This just seems like it’s encouraging Littlefinger to find new and creative ways to not do what Cersei asks.
Sweeney: Agreed. She’s seriously underestimating Littlefinger here, particularly his creativity. Although, I get the sense that being underestimated has been productive for him in the past.
Elsewhere, Robb is telling another random Lannister cousin his peace terms. He wants his sisters and all the bones of his dad and the men who served him (because sisters aren’t enough). Cousin nods in expected acquiescence to all that up until the final term, which is that Joffrey and Cersei renounce all claim to the north, which is to become a free and independent kingdom.
Lor: Theon DEATH FOR EVERYONE Greyjoy claims Ned raised him to be honorable, but I have my doubts about this one.
Sweeney: Robb is relaying this plan to his mom who is not liking it, because Papa Greyjoy cannot be trusted. But, you know, BOATS! HE HAS BOATS! says Robb, because he really freaking wants those boats. Also, we get a sidebar about how there’s nothing he can do about his sisters at the moment, because his bannermen will lose their shit if he trades the kingslayer for two girls.
Cat is pissed and wants to go home. He needs a favor and tries to make nice by assuring her that he trusts her most of all and also he’s gonna GET THE GIRLS BACK, which is totes manipulating her motherly feels. Robb wants her to go negotiate with Renly Baratheon, because he’s got a crapton of men. Then they have a big epic feelsy mother-son moment about how they’ll be together soon and how Papa Stark would have been so proud.
Cersei comes into the throne room to see Joffrey ripping it apart because he wants it to look more like the way the conquering Mad King and his kindred had it. MAD KING. THE TARGARYENS WERE BIG ON THE INCEST TOO. AND THEY CREATED CRAZIES JUST LIKE THIS FOOL.
Anywhatever, Cersei is trying to convince Joffrey to send men out looking for Arya so that they can bargain for Jaime and also save her own ass. Joffrey isn’t worried about the Starks trading Jaime for Sansa alone because they are weak and overvalue their women. Vaginas are cheap, yo.
Then Joffrey switches to the “disgusting rumor” he heard about his uncle and his mother. She tries to downplay it but Joffrey is pushing the whole, “Papa Baratheon had many bastards, yeah?” line, by seriously insulting his mother and I guess it’s the fact that Cersei can be so powerfully evil in the midst of all this vagina hate that makes me respect her even as I hate her too. Also, she slaps Joffrey and I appreciate all acts of violence carried out against Joffrey.
Lor:
Sweeney: AWESOME.
Joffrey is a little shocked that she undermined his kingness and she sees it on his face and is rightly concerned. He tells her that shit is punishable by death and she’ll never do it again. She realizes that she has created the absolute worst of monsters and has fucked not only her brother, but the rest of the world, and more importantly, herself.
Lor: Or, she at least realizes she should rethink her talk shit, get hit policy.
Sweeney: A+
Back at Littlefinger’s brothel, Ros is giving a new prostitute the lay of the land. It’s amusing but not important. Eventually, some soldiers come in and start tearing shit up. The soldiers are unimpressed by Ros’s reminder that Littlefinger owns this place. The prostitute whose baby we earlier learned was one of Robert’s bastards is dragged out sobbing with said baby, some terrified dude nods, AND THEN THEY SLIT THE BABY’S THROAT. THEY KILL THE BABY.
Lor: Well. I guess that’s what I get for wishing for less horse death. BABY DEATH.
Sweeney: THANKS, LOR.
Then we get shots of them killing all sorts of kids all over town in all manner of ways. Like, SO MANY KIDS. I’m a little impressed, Robert. There are a lot of them. It’s good to be king, huh?
The soldiers are holding the blacksmith’s face over the coals as they get him to give up Gendry’s name. They will know him, says the blacksmith, by his bull’s head helmet that he made himself.
Segue magic to the helmet and Gendry’s beautiful freaking face on the screen for longer than actually necessary, but I am not complaining. He’s getting on the back of a wagon and helping Arya onto it, because they are already getting the fuck out of King’s Landing.
Good move, bro, since your many (many, many) half-siblings are all now dead.
Lor: Speaking of many, man we’ve got a lot of kings! Lady Cat said it best: There’s a king in every corner now.
Joffrey, the prince Douche
Stannis, bringer of light on account of fire
Renley, flower lover and where is he anyways?
Daenerys, who has dragons so she’s definitely a king
Robb, pretty.
Mance Rayder, who hopefully kills Papa Incest first.
Here’s my season two prediction: Someone on this list will die. I’m feeling extra good at prophecy right now.
Sweeney: Spoiler: you’re right. Snarky Prophets FTW.
Next time on Game of Thrones: We find out what Gendry and Arya are up to. I think some other stuff happens too, BUT MOSTLY WE FOLLOW THE ADVENTURES OF GENDRY AND ARYA. Find out on S02E02 – The Night Lands.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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