Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E02 – Don’t share, don’t care.

Previously: Buffy spent the episode mostly sucking at slaying so that we would understand that college is totes hard.
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Living Conditions

Lorraine: Buffy is in her dorm room as Kathy, her roommate, plays Cher’s “Believe” and irons her jeans. Just stake her now, B.

Kirsti: Seriously. That song is the WORST. And the only person I’ve ever known who ironed jeans was my grandmother. She also ironed bras and underpants… 

Lor: I have no comment about your grandmother’s underpants.

After establishing that Kathy’s been playing this song on repeat, Buffy heads to her closet to collect her (very unfortunate) coat. Kathy asks if she’s going out and when B answers in the affirmative, expresses passive-aggressive concern that she will be in and out of the room at all hours of the night. But she’s totally okay with that, giggle, giggle smarm!

Sweeney: Awful. I’m so proud of Buffy for not punching Kathy.

Lor: Buffy tries to leave but Kathy calls her back twice – once to demonstrate a new system for logging their phone calls and another time to ask if Buffy drank some of her milk. She presses repeat on “Believe” too.

K: KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Sweeney: We had five girls in one room my senior year and while I love them all dearly, we legit had multiple hour long roommate meetings about our refrigerator. I am still haunted by the memory, and this scene gave me traumatic flashbacks.

Lor: One year in my performing arts club, we put on an adaption of The King and I. Somehow, our director found a way to include “Believe” in the play. True story and that is my traumatic flashback.

ANY-TANGENT. Buffy and Willow stroll through the campus at night. The girls pep-talk each other about college being about rising to challenges and Willow says they put the “grr” in “girl.” She’s off to meet up with Oz and Buffy continues her patrol. We pull back into a bush where a creepy demon with glowy eyes stares at her. Roll shiny new credits!

Buffy hears some nefarious twig snapping and shouts at whoever it is to come out and face her. Kathy practically skips out of the bushes; she’s decided to come join Buffy on her “coffee run.” Kathy smarms about the fresh air and trees, but she’s interrupted by some off screen growling. Thinking quickly, Buffy pushes her into nearby bushes as she fights the glowy-eyed demon we saw earlier. After a few punches, the demon runs off. Kathy saw none of this and Buffy lies that she was almost mugged. Also, Kathy’s sweater is dirty and it’s a tragedy. The girls head back to get cleaned up.

K: Thanks for using the word “tragedy” shortly after mentioning Cher’s “Believe.” Now I have Steps’ terrible cover of “Tragedy” stuck in my head… The video clip for that song, I should add, is buckets of WTFery. Anyone care to explain?? 

Sweeney: I have no idea what you’re talking about, except that this seems like the internet equivalent of when people gag at their food and then go, “OMG TRY THIS!” and, as such, I will not be clicking that link.

Lor: A+ Sweeney. I will also not click on that link.

The Glowy Eyed Demon joins another demon and they speak demon-ese. Subtitles tell us they think “she” may be the one. Thanks to the pointed lack of specifics or use of the term “slayer,” I’m going to go ahead and guess that they mean Kathy. Jusssst a guess… One of the demons is tasked with following the girls.

The next day, Buffy is at Giles’ apartment, rifling through his mail in the courtyard. NOT COOL, Buffy, and also pretty illegal. Giles runs into the courtyard, sweaty and winded. Buffy is surprised. “You run?” she asks.  “And jump, and bend, and occasionally frolic,” he replies. Buffy wonders if maybe he’s going through something mid-lifey, and says she’s still recovering from teenaged Giles in Band Candy.

K: I think we all are. Only not always in the same way as Buffy.

Lor: A look from Giles tells us that that was only funny last season, so Buffy gets down to business: spray tan demon with glowy eyes and a cloak. Giles promises to look into it and turns to go into his apartment. Buffy stops him and comments on the niceness of the courtyard and asks after his day’s plans. Giles starts to answer but then realizes something is up, because Buffy never asks what he’s doing. She admits that she thought she could hang around the courtyard until Kathy left for class. I guess it’s cool that she didn’t just let him go into his apartment and creepily sit around outside anyways. With his mail.

Anyways, Giles admits that Kathy (who measures all her sharpened pencils to make sure they are the same length) seems a little cray, but he tells B to try and deal with it. Living with people is hard. Buffy says he’s right and says she will be a new, kinder, gentler roommate.

Sweeney: After the last episode annoyed me with its tour of Contrivance U, I can appreciate how sincerely relatable all of this is. It’s a bit heavy-handed, of course, because Kathy is every roommate struggle ever rolled into one, but this is fairly legit.

Lor: Cut to Kathy who is in the dorm room trying to get the dirt stain off of her sweater. She doesn’t seem to be getting far and instead starts eyeing Buffy’s closet. Said closet has a lock ON THE OUTSIDE. That just seems dangerous to have around possibly-drunk-a-lot-college kids. Anyways, Kathy unlocks the door and rifles through B’s clothes. It has not been a good season to be Buffy’s possessions. Kathy picks an ugly sweater and also spots Buffy’s weapons bag. She shrugs that off though, because yay sweater!

Later, Buffy spots Kathy in line at the cafeteria and not too stealthily ducks her by cutting ahead of half the line. The dark haired dude behind her, who is one of those faces I seem to recognize from everywhere and nowhere in particular, asks who she’s hiding from. B claims a bad break-up, and apologizes for skipping. He tells her to stay and that he’ll watch her back, and as Buffy walks forward in the line, homeboy literally oogles her back side.

K: UGH. I hate him so much. Carry on.

Lor: The Butt Oogler can tell B is a freshman because she doesn’t know how to use her dining hall card. He goes on about how to squirrel away food and take advantage of your parents’ money. Buffy spots her friends, so she introduces herself officially. He is Parker Abrams and they say goodbye.

Buffy joins the table with Willow, Oz and Xander. Buffy wonders why Xander is hanging around campus, and he says he’s there just checking in. Willow notes he’s also eating off of her plate. Buffy asks if his parents aren’t feeding him, and they are, but for a price. I have feels for Xander.

Sweeney: Ditto. After that wonderful speech in the last episode, he earned a lot of points. Between that and his Anya interactions at the end of the last season. I think I might actually like him soon! Season 4 is a strange place.

Lor: Willow changes the subject to Parker. Buffy thinks it was just random flirting but the rest of the Scoobies think it was definitely more. “He’ll be back,” Oz predicts.

K: I love that both Oz and Xander are all “He’ll be back, just wait and see.” It’s one thing for Willow to say it. A completely different thing for the guys to say it. Buffy needs that after the Awkward Angel Leaving of graduation day.

Lor: Another subject change brings us to recent vampire activity. Buffy says there is nothing to report there, but she tells them about the Glowy Eyed Demons and Xander gets pretty exited. “Do we need to assemble the Scooby gang,” he asks. This is the second time in as many episodes that he’s asked to assemble, and I really just feel bad for him. WTF season 4? Xander recognizes that he got too excited for a potential apocalypse and Buffy tells him to get out of the basement more often.

Kathy chirps out a greeting as she approaches and invites herself to sit at their lunch table. Buffy notices right away that Kathy is wearing her sweater. Kathy says that she figured it would be okay since Buffy got her sweater all muddy. “I was saving you from a…” “BEAR!” Willow jumps in quickly. “Mugger,” Buffy corrects her with a pointed look. Willow gives the cutest, “whoopsies!” look. Kathy says that they are almost like sisters now, what with living together. Buffy visibly restrains herself as she says that it’s fine but she wishes Kathy would’ve asked. Then, as Xander starts with the small talk, the camera zooms in on Kathy taking a big bite of her burger and we watch as ketchup drips onto B’s sweater. The camera turns to Buffy’s eyes getting twitchy. It’s a funny little visual bit.

K: Twitchy Buffy eyes extreme close ups are the best.

Lor: We cut to later that night as Buffy sits on her bed in her Bigger on the Inside Dorm Room (K: A+). She’s on the phone with Willow, who is at a party. (K: NOPE. Willow’s in her dorm room. Apparently her roommate is the super douchey “EVERYONE BACK TO MY PLACE!” type) Buffy is complaining about Kathy and Willow does her best to smooth it all over. They end the call when Kathy enters the room. She sits on her bed and starts flossing her teeth which is something that would have me running for my weapons bag. EW. SORRY. I have a thing about teeth gunk.

Buffy gets up to put some food away in the fridge and finds that Kathy has labeled every last item in there “Kathy.” Even the eggs each have her name on them. B climbs back in bed while Kathy JUST THROWS HER USED FLOSS INTO THE BED BESIDE HER. I probably should be more incensed about this next part: Kathy picks up her book from the bedside table and finds that the underside has gum stuck to it. Buffy, who has been chewing gun this whole time, undiscreetly gulps it down and claims she doesn’t know where the gum came from.

The two just pissily go to sleep.

Buffy dreams of the Glowy Eyed Demon who pours blood down her throat, places a scorpion on her belly and also appears to be sucking the life out of her. Buffy wakes and Kathy is staring at her.

Later than day, Buffy and the gang minus Xander are sitting around the Sunnydale High lounge substitute. RIP Sunnydale High. Buffy’s recounting the dream but seems to think the worst part is that she woke to Kathy’s face. I’m with Willow and Oz, though, when they vote for blood down the throat as the worst part.

K: YUP. I don’t know that I’d be too thrilled about having a scorpion on my stomach either…

Lor: Kathy wanders in just as Giles is saying they should examine Buffy’s dream. She thinks it’s way cool that he can read dreams, and wants him to tell her what her dream with creepy monsters and blood and scorpions means. Buffy is short with her and pointedly tells her she should get going. Kathy scampers off. B is so into how annoyed she is that she skims over the part where they had a shared nightmare.

Giles brings it back and theorizes that the two girls are having the same nightmare thanks to their encounter with Glowy Eyes. She puts the Scoobies on it and heads off. Willow is worried about Buffy’s recent attitude and we can tell Giles is too.

Somewhere out in a wooded sort of place, the Glowy Eyed Demons have got a fire going and agree that “she is the one.” They get to some chanting, summoning Taparrich and “Are You Afraid of the Dark“-esque fire growing.

Sweeney: But nobody called this meeting of the Midnight Society to order!

Lor: Newbs.

Buffy returns to her dorm to find Kathy and Parker looking pretty chummy as they lounge on her bed with “Believe” playing in the background. Buffy is visibly bothered. Parker says he came over to bring her ziplock bags and Kathy perkily adds that they got to chatting and time just flew by. As those two giggle and flirt, Buffy tells them to take it outside, ’cause she’s got work to do. Parker gets going but Buffy feels bad and apologizes. She collects a rain check and he leaves.

Kathy think Buffy could’ve been nicer. They do a little awkward roommate dance. Kathy closes a window. Buffy opens it again. Kathy flosses. Buffy locks her closet from the outside. Kathy tells her she’s spoiled and that the world no longer revolves around her. It’s share time. Buffy has a perfect idea for share time and marches to the fridge and sloppily chugs Kathy’s milk.

K: It’s hilariously petty for Buffy, but mostly I want to know how bad their room smells after spilling milk all over the carpet…

Sweeney: I’m bummed that we already used the SMG Got Milk? ad.

Lor: Who knew that would come in handy more than once?

Willow and Oz walk hand in hand as she expresses her concern for both Kathy and Buffy. Icky blood dreams are the worst. Plus, we are reminded, Buffy is being not herself. Can I just say that I haven’t really gotten that feeling from this episode so far? I mean, she’s been overly focused on Kathy, but only because of all the annoying happenings. How Buffy is handling this situation is exactly how I would imagine Buffy to handle it, under no demonic influence. Her people skills aren’t as good as, say, her stake twirling skills is what I’m trying to say.

Sweeney: +1.

Lor: Anyways, Willow says that if it weren’t for an English paper, she’d be with Buffy doing the “girly best friend thing.” Oz says he can do that and be there for Buffy and even says they’ll probably braid each other’s hair. Willow says, “if you need me, I’ll be…” She opens her dorm room and there are a lot of party noises that are completely drowned out by this sound proof door. “At the library,” she finishes. So earlier when she was at a party, it was really in her dorm with her sucky roommates. Willow and Buffy both have sucky roommates and are totally going to end up sharing a dorm.

K: So I guess I kinda spoilered that earlier when I pointed out that Willow wasn’t at a party? WHOOPS. Being able to see the future sucks sometimes.

Lor: Yeah, thanks a lot Kirsti.

Oz is walking through the campus at night and he passes a group of three students. He seems to sense something and turns to see that the petite, blonde girl of the group is looking back at him too. He walks out of the frame and behind him, soldiers run past.

Oz has found Buffy and she’s telling him about share time, though she embellishes the story a bit.

Oz: So either you hit her or you did your wacky mime routine for her. I just love him so much.

K: ME TOO, OMG. Also, I totally do that when I’m mad at people and they’re not around. The punches thing, I mean. Not mime. Never mime.

Sweeney: I like to go for both.

Lor: Buffy admits that neither happened. She keeps bitching and then asks what made Oz join her on patrol. He vagues an answer which she accepts because mostly she wants to keep complaining about Kathy. Oz asks Buffy if maybe all her talking is scaring away vampires and Buffy manages to blame even this on Kathy. She also smashes a park bench with a kick.

Buffy doesn’t think that’s funny (I did! I LOVE YOU OZ) and says that something must be done. Oz thinks says he thinks so too, as he eyes Buffy warily. Now, there is cause for concern.

K: “On the plus side, you killed the bench which was looking shifty” is one of my all time favourite Oz lines.

Lor: More awkward roommate time! Buffy is reading while Kathy clips her toe nails on her bed. We zoom in and watch the clipping fly onto the carpet. (K: EW) Buffy starts tapping her pencil and the sound is magnified and it bothers Kathy so much, she starts playing Cher. Buffy puts ear muffs on. Kathy grabs an egg from the fridge and the way she rolls and peels it finally forces Buffy into bed where she has more Glowy Eyed Demon nightmares. She wakes with a start and next to her, it appears Kathy was nightmare-ing too.

In a hallway, Kathy is complaining to Willow about Buffy. (S: WHY? WHY HER BEST FRIEND?) Willow suggests she talk to her roommate about this, and of course, Buffy is now approaching them. Poor Willow looks super uncomfortable. Kathy leaves and Buffy demands to know what they were talking about. Willow suggests that they both just have to deal with their respective sucky roommates. Buffy agrees. She’s going to deal with Kathy by killing her, because she’s evil. Cut to black.

We come back right into the scene we didn’t-actually-leave-during-non-commercial-break, and Willow suggest a new roommate. Buffy brings out evidence and it’s a baggie full of toenail clippings. Willow snarks that it was good she collected them or else they could’ve attacked her during the night. Buffy tells her not to be ridiculous. The toenails are still growing, and she knows because she measured them.

K: GROSS. There is not enough money in the world to make me collect and measure someone else’s toenails. 

Lor: More reasons we could never be slayers.

Growing toe nails is a demon trait. Willow clearly doesn’t believe her, because four seasons later, we still haven’t learned to believe Buffy. Willow sends B to Giles and once she’s gone promptly calls Giles to warn him. She calls Buffy, “homicidal-maniac crazy.”

Buffy lets herself into Giles’s apartment and calls out to him. A few steps in and a net falls on top of her, as Giles, Oz and Xander rush in to tie her up with a rope. For fuck’s sake.

Sweeney: I meant to say this on Monday, but I feel like S4 has a subtheme of Not Listening To Buffy As Plot Device.

Lor: That is going to bother the shit out of me.

Buffy begs Giles to check out her toenail clipping evidence and also lists Kathy’s ironing jeans as one of her evil offenses. Giles thinks the Glowy Eyed Demon possessed Buffy and knows a spell to make it reveal itself. He goes to the magic shop for some supplies. Buffy is not amused.

Willow goes to see Kathy at the dorm room and suggests in a roundabout way that she make herself scarce before Buffy shows up. Kathy says ain’t nobody got time for that. Actually, she drones on about Buffy being crazy, but I ain’t got time for that. The phone rings, and it’s Oz. Willow talks to him briefly and learns that Buffy is with them. She tells Kathy, “lol, jakay,” and is on her way.

Back at Giles’s apartment, Buffy is bitching at the boys for not believing her, after all they’ve been through. I’M SAYING. Xander starts to say that he wishes they could, but Oz advises him to not engage. Buffy struggles against her restraints and Xander wonders if he tied her up tight enough. Oz suggests they check and Xander nervously laughs. The approach cautiously and Buffy stands and knocks them out by knocking their head together. Welp. Sorry, but you shouldn’t tie up your slayer best friend.

K: Truth. It was an inevitable outcome.

Lor: Buffy enters her dorm room and Kathy is lounging. Buffy suggest they talk and Kathy stands. Buffy kicks the corner of her rug to rile her with a patronizing, “oops!” Kathy straight decks her IN THE FACE with another, “ooops!” Then, Kathy weirdly latches onto the sides of Buffy’s head? I’m not sure, but it allows Buffy to do the same and, a few beats later, peel off Kathy’s skin to reveal the Glowy Eyed Demon underneath. Kathy Glowy launches herself at Buffy.

K: I love that Buffy’s response isn’t “Ew, I’m holding a face in my hands” but “I KNEW IT!!!!!!”

Lor: Out in the woods, there is still more chanting and bonfire-ing and suddenly another demon, who I’m guessing is Taparrich, rises out of the earth. “Where is she?” he asks.

She is currently pinning Buffy to the floor as B exclaims again that she knew it. Kathy tells her to shut up and let her finish her ritual. We cut to Giles reading from a book about said ritual and animal blood. Both he and Buffy realize that her dreams were real. EEWWWWWW. THIS IS WORSE THAN TEETH GUNK.

K: Or toenails.

Lor: Glowy Kathy explains that she left her dimension to attend college (and of course gets roomed with the Slayer! OF COURSE.) and some others of her kind were sent after her. Giles keeps reading from the book that while these demons can take on human form they can be recognized by their lack of soul. Kathy was planning on borrowing Buffy’s soul so that her demon-kin would take Buffy away instead. The two girls continue to fight and Kathy has the advantage as she throws Buffy into her closet door. Dorm Room Damage!

Sweeney: That shit’s expensive! Her demon-kin better pay for that.

Lor: Oz and Xander come to as the latter grouses, “Oh, why couldn’t Giles have shackles like any self-respecting bachelor?” Willow comes in and helps Oz up and, when she realizes B is gone, tries to call Kathy to warn her. Cut to Kathy repeatedly hitting Buffy across the face for not logging her calls. Willow hangs up and Giles comes in to declare that Buffy was right, about the toenails and all. Kathy was trying to steal Buffy’s soul, which explains why she was acting off. Willow feels guilty.

Sweeney: AS THEY ALL SHOULD.

Lor: Giles starts the ritual that will restore Buffy’s soul as Oz and Xander run off to see if they can help Buffy.

At the dorm, the fight continues to encompass all of their roommate problems. Buffy stomps on her carefully sharpened pencils. Kathy throws Buffy out of the window and says it’s open now. Kathy tries to force Buffy’s mouth open to finish taking her soul. Giles finishes his ritual in time, though, and Buffy’s soul goes streaming back into her. Kathy collapses and Taparrich rises from the floor in the dorm. He speaks demon-ese to Kathy, saying she’s in a lot of trouble, and Kathy whines that she’s 3000 years old and wants to stop being treated like she’s 900. Xander and Oz bust in and get a growl from Glowy Eyed Poppa. Poppa says he’s taking Kathy home, and opens up a sinkhole in the middle of the room. Kathy is sucked in and he jumps in. All is well.

Cut to Willow moving into Buffy’s dorm room. Willow apologizes for not believing the demon thing, but Buffy’s over it. She’s just glad it was the soul sucking thing that was making her crabby, as she’s usually such an easy-going girl. Willow asks if she’s going to finish her sandwich, and before she can answer, takes a big bite. The camera gets zoomy again as we see Willow bite, and Buffy’s eyes scrunch.

So, I suppose, dearest of readers, that today we learned that if you iron your jeans or listen to Cher, you probably have no soul.

 

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Buffy decides to start dating again and SPIKE in S04 E03 – The Harsh Light of Day.