Previously: Grey decided that when your girlfriend of five weeks isn’t sure if she’s ready to marry you yet, the solution is to buy a house. He and his helicopter went missing, giving us YET ANOTHER perfect fictional death opportunity to stop reading. Yet here we are.
—
Sweeney: Ana sits in front of Grey’s fireplace emotionless and lost in internal monologue, even though there are at least a dozen people there with her, because Ana can’t be bothered to interact with people who aren’t Christian, and he has gone missing.
Lorraine: In an early reminder that Ana sucks, is not a real human being, and doesn’t know how to interact with human beings, she tells us that she “blinks dispassionately” at Grace and Mia. DISPASSIONATELY. They’ve just lost a son/brother respectively, but this bitch who has known him for less than two months is so wrapped up in her own damn emotions describes herself as completely unaffected by their emotions.
What a stand-up character you’ve created, James. Truly.
Sweeney: It took me a minute or two to properly rage out about that, but it’s fine, because there is more where that came from! Yay! I also really like her dispassionate blinking. Tell me more, Ana, about all the passion you usually put into your blinking.
He’s apparently so legit missing and such a mega-huge deal with his mad monies and all that “CHRISTIAN GREY MISSING” is a headline. That’s a really boring headline. Other things E. L. James doesn’t know about America: that would never pass as the headline for television news here.
More importantly, he’s been missing for EIGHT HOURS. That does not constitute a missing person! Unless the fucking helicopter crashed somewhere, which is probably too good to hope for, he’s not “missing” yet.
Lor: Also, they called off the search for this billionaire after EIGHT HOURS because it got DARK.
GOOD ONE. Tell me more about that time Seattle ran out of flashlights.
Sweeney: Ana’s super annoying internal monologue is repeating everything Grey said to her in the last chapter because if she can’t actually talk to him, then she might as well have a fake conversation with him in her head. She beats herself up for not “seizing the day” and agreeing to buy a house with and marry her abusive boyfriend of five weeks but actually only about a week if you count how long they’ve been back together.
Just in case we weren’t all clear on Ana’s disturbing co-dependency issues, this is part of that internal monologue: “I will be nothing without him, nothing but a shadow—all the light eclipsed.” ECLIPSE. HA. LIKE THE BOOK. She also goes on to call him the center of [her] universe, because, you know, of course.
Other people try to speak to her, but she doesn’t respond. At all. Like, she actually shakes her head once, but otherwise we get comments from other people — asking if she wants to call her parents, assuring her that he’ll be all right — and she just doesn’t even acknowledge them. Most annoying of all is the fact that his family is comforting her. Bitch, you’ve known him five weeks. What the fuck.
She stares into the fire and ohmygod this whole bit is so boring and repetitive. Our regular pedo-bear alert: “He is so many people: control freak, CEO, stalker, sex god, Dom—and at the same time—such a boy with his toys. I smile.” Gif-recyle time, because this is the actual face I made:
We are finally given a reprieve from this gross trip down memory lane in the most unfortunate fashion: Grey returns. Damnit. He couldn’t even stay missing for half a chapter!
Lor: Clearly, I didn’t expect him to actually die, but seriously, not EVEN half a chapter? Maybe I was expecting we’d get a few blank pages marking the months he was gone…
Sweeney: Hey-o! I’m distressed that I missed that Twilight reference moment. Well done.
He apparently looks a little dirty and tired (L: “and utterly beautiful.”) Ana is still too fucking useless to move or speak. His family hugs him and greets him and he’s all, “LOL why are you guys here?” You know, because he was gone for eight hours and was not actually missing. Kate is stroking Ana’s hair and assuring her that Christian is actually there and not a figment of her imagination, and it has a very speaking-to-a-mental-patient vibe, which is appropriate.
Ana finally manages to move/speak. They have a really stilted “Hi.” “Hi.” “Hush.” greeting exchange, though the “Hush” is really pointless, since Ana isn’t really speaking. Ana gradually becomes her own special brand of functional again. She needs regular contact with Grey in order to be a human being. After eight hours, I think we had gotten super close to Ana death, but alas, it could not be.
We learn the helicopter will have to be picked up tomorrow. The Red Power Ranger smiles, which understandably never happens, since he is trapped in this living hell, when Grey dismisses him. Apparently The Red Power Ranger’s daughter was in potential danger and he had to waste energy on this piece of shit. Baby Power Ranger is fine, though.
Grey and his irrelevant companion were going to see Mount St. Helens when the engines caught fire! WE WERE SO CLOSE, YOU GUYS. Tragically, Grey was able to safely land the helicopter because he had been flying so low. Also, the irrelevant companion is apparently female; Grey would lose his fucking mind if Ana spend that much time alone with a man who wasn’t him.
Papa Grey is suspicious about the electrical failure that caused a fire in both engines, because obviously this is going to turn out to be the product of foul play, because why do other people exist in this universe if not to serve as fake-plot-fodder for our repulsive couple? Grey doesn’t want to talk about it and basically shoos everyone out the door, even though they waited around for his fake-missing ass for hours and he’s been back for like twenty minutes. What a dick.
Lor: I have to mention that part of the story is that Grey and the irrelevant companion hitch-hiked back to Seattle with a truck driver… WHO HAD NO CELL PHONE.
NO. SERIOUSLY. Tell me again about this truck driver in the twenty-first century who has no cell phone while driving long distances for his job. Best.
Sweeney: After everything we’ve read, I’d lie to Christian Grey about owning a cell phone too.
Lor: Wait, second best. Best is this:
“I’m sorry Mom- I should have asked the driver to stop so I could phone. But I was anxious to be back.” He glances at Jose.
Oh, that’s why, because Jose is staying here. I frown at the thought. Jeez-all that worry.”
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? This piece of shit couldn’t be bothered to CALL and CHECK IN after being several hours late and NEVER ARRIVING WITH HIS HELICOPTER AS SCHEDULED, ALL BECAUSE JOSE WAS WITH ANA?
He trusts his girlfriend so little that he’d rather everyone assume he were dead. Excellent. I’m so glad this chapter has at least established that.
Sweeney: Again, all of this is while he’s hiking around the woods with his irrelevant female companion.
There is some potential something happening between Mia and Elliot that I can’t even be bothered to care about because I hate everyone so much. Kate is all totes happy for Ana, since her boyfriend’s not dead. She makes a joke about them becoming sisters-in-law, which causes Ana to make some sort of telling face that Kate sees. Ana wonders if her boyfriend proposing is the sort of thing she should tell her best friend. Um, WHAT? I had a text message from my best friend within the hour and I’d expect nothing less. Of course, this is Ana, who is the worst friend ever.
Grey goes to get dinner and is astonished that he’s actually left her alone with Josecob. By “alone” we mean that Grey is “in the next room.” THAT’S SOME EPIC TRUST RIGHT THERE, GIRL! You know, except for the part where he refused to phone home and let you believe he was dead because he was that worried about letting you be alone with him. Except for that part.
She awkwardly says goodnight to Josecob who is a perfect gentleman and wishes his friend well, and adds that it would be nice to see her more often, like an actual good friend. He’ll leave early in the morning, because E. L. James doesn’t have enough recyclable dialogue between anyone but Ana and Grey.
In their bedroom, we repeat the, “OMG YOU’RE ALIVE!” declarations, which make me sad because they are bitter reminders of how close we came to finally winning the AND THEN SHE DIED game. So close, guys! Before Grey almost didn’t die, he was totes only thinking of his girlfriend of five weeks because she’s his “talisman.” Magic vagina! Deadly magics, actually. Or tragically not deadly magics? I’m not sure.
Lor: Someone please just die, is what I think you’re trying to say.
Sweeney: That’s usually what I’m trying to say. Thanks, Lor.
They decide to shower together, but this surprisingly short chapter is almost over and I’m seriously confused because this is actually not that painful, comparatively speaking and there’s clearly not enough time for me to be subjected to anything more than a quickie.
Ana tells Grey to drop his jacket, but he won’t because the birthday present she wouldn’t let him open until his birthday (it’s now after midnight) is in there and he wants to open it NOW. Oh dear. Oh no. I had that bad thought too soon. I take it back, chapter! I was just kidding! Totes painful enough! He opens it and it’s a little keychain that has the Seattle skyline and a little LED screen. She makes him turn it over so he can see where it says, “Yes.”
Lor: I was gonna say that clearly the whole purpose of Grey being “missing” for a page and a half was so that Ana could truly understand how bitter and lonely her life would be if she didn’t end up with the first person she ever fell in love with. Also, a “brush with death” would allow us to forgive Ana for accepting him, as who knows when we are going to die!!!! or something like that.
BUT. She gave this “yes” answer to him a chapter or two ago. She’s known that she was going to say yes, then. And this whole time he’s been all, “what can I do to get you to say yes?” and she’s all, “I dooon’t know,” she been lying for the sake of a plastic keychain birthday gift.
I can’t decide which one of them is worse.
Sweeney: Welp. At least it was short.
Whisper – 13
Murmur – 10
This chapter was less than half the length of the previous chapter, so that count is proportionally super high. And that murmur count starts with Kate’s mental-patient consoling of Ana, meaning there was about a murmur per paragraph to get there.
Favorite comments last post: “Fiend of Satan. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOL FOREVER. So that’s why Santa never got me a pony. I was sending my letters to the wrong dude. Also…I told my mother about this as I read it because she knows of my hatred for everything in this series and is baffled every time I read her excerpts from it and her response to horses being described as “fiends of Satan” was “Well, it is a horror book she’s writing isn’t it?” I love my mother. Unintentionally hilarious comment FTW. Yes, yes it is a horror book, but not intentionally.” – wolf
“In surprisingly related news, I tried to go on Snark Squad at school today. You guys have been blocked because of “porn”. Congrats, that’s a pretty big step up from just “adult.language”!” – Julia K
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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