snark squad | where nostalgia comes to die

Fifty Shades Darker Chapter 19 – I don’t know what I expected.

and on March 20, 2013 · 29 comments in Fifty Shades Darker

Previously: Grey decided that when your girlfriend of five weeks isn’t sure if she’s ready to marry you yet, the solution is to buy a house. He and his helicopter went missing, giving us YET ANOTHER perfect fictional death opportunity to stop reading. Yet here we are.

Sweeney: Ana sits in front of Grey’s fireplace emotionless and lost in internal monologue, even though there are at least a dozen people there with her, because Ana can’t be bothered to interact with people who aren’t Christian, and he has gone missing.

Lorraine: In an early reminder that Ana sucks, is not a real human being, and doesn’t know how to interact with human beings, she tells us that she “blinks dispassionately” at Grace and Mia. DISPASSIONATELY. They’ve just lost a son/brother respectively, but this bitch who has known him for less than two months is so wrapped up in her own damn emotions describes herself as completely unaffected by their emotions.

What a stand-up character you’ve created, James. Truly.

Sweeney: It took me a minute or two to properly rage out about that, but it’s fine, because there is more where that came from! Yay! I also really like her dispassionate blinking. Tell me more, Ana, about all the passion you usually put into your blinking.

He’s apparently so legit missing and such a mega-huge deal with his mad monies and all that “CHRISTIAN GREY MISSING” is a headline. That’s a really boring headline. Other things E. L. James doesn’t know about America: that would never pass as the headline for television news here.

More importantly, he’s been missing for EIGHT HOURS. That does not constitute a missing person! Unless the fucking helicopter crashed somewhere, which is probably too good to hope for, he’s not “missing” yet.

Lor: Also, they called off the search for this billionaire after EIGHT HOURS because it got DARK.

image

GOOD ONE. Tell me more about that time Seattle ran out of flashlights.

Sweeney: Ana’s super annoying internal  monologue is repeating everything Grey said to her in the last chapter because if she can’t actually talk to him, then she might as well have a fake conversation with him in her head. She beats herself up for not “seizing the day” and agreeing to buy a house with and marry her abusive boyfriend of five weeks but actually only about a week if you count how long they’ve been back together.

Just in case we weren’t all clear on Ana’s disturbing co-dependency issues, this is part of that internal monologue: “I will be nothing without him, nothing but a shadow—all the light eclipsed.” ECLIPSE. HA. LIKE THE BOOK. She also goes on to call him the center of [her] universe, because, you know, of course.

Other people try to speak to her, but she doesn’t respond. At all. Like, she actually shakes her head once, but otherwise we get comments from other people — asking if she wants to call her parents, assuring her that he’ll be all right — and she just doesn’t even acknowledge them. Most annoying of all is the fact that his family is comforting her. Bitch, you’ve known him five weeks. What the fuck.

She stares into the fire and ohmygod this whole bit is so boring and repetitive. Our regular pedo-bear alert: “He is so many people: control freak, CEO, stalker, sex god, Dom—and at the same time—such a boy with his toys. I smile.” Gif-recyle time, because this is the actual face I made:

ewface

We are finally given a reprieve from this gross trip down memory lane in the most unfortunate fashion: Grey returns. Damnit. He couldn’t even stay missing for half a chapter!

Lor: Clearly, I didn’t expect him to actually die, but seriously, not EVEN half a chapter? Maybe I was expecting we’d get a few blank pages marking the months he was gone…

Sweeney: Hey-o! I’m distressed that I missed that Twilight reference moment. Well done.

He apparently looks a little dirty and tired (L: and utterly beautiful.”) Ana is still too fucking useless to move or speak. His family hugs him and greets him and he’s all, “LOL why are you guys here?” You know, because he was gone for eight hours and was not actually missing. Kate is stroking Ana’s hair and assuring her that Christian is actually there and not a figment of her imagination, and it has a very speaking-to-a-mental-patient vibe, which is appropriate.

Ana finally manages to move/speak. They have a really stilted “Hi.” “Hi.” “Hush.” greeting exchange, though the “Hush” is really pointless, since Ana isn’t really speaking. Ana gradually becomes her own special brand of functional again. She needs regular contact with Grey in order to be a human being. After eight hours, I think we had gotten super close to Ana death, but alas, it could not be.

We learn the helicopter will have to be picked up tomorrow. The Red Power Ranger smiles, which understandably never happens, since he is trapped in this living hell, when Grey dismisses him. Apparently The Red Power Ranger’s daughter was in potential danger and he had to waste energy on this piece of shit. Baby Power Ranger is fine, though.

Grey and his irrelevant companion were going to see Mount St. Helens when the engines caught fire! WE WERE SO CLOSE, YOU GUYS. Tragically, Grey was able to safely land the helicopter because he had been flying so low. Also, the irrelevant companion is apparently female; Grey would lose his fucking mind if Ana spend that much time alone with a man who wasn’t him.

Papa Grey is suspicious about the electrical failure that caused a fire in both engines, because obviously this is going to turn out to be the product of foul play, because why do other people exist in this universe if not to serve as fake-plot-fodder for our repulsive couple? Grey doesn’t want to talk about it and basically shoos everyone out the door, even though they waited around for his fake-missing ass for hours and he’s been back for like twenty minutes. What a dick.

Lor: I have to mention that part of the story is that Grey and the irrelevant companion hitch-hiked back to Seattle with a truck driver… WHO HAD NO CELL PHONE.

NO. SERIOUSLY. Tell me again about this truck driver in the twenty-first century who has no cell phone while driving long distances for his job. Best.

Sweeney: After everything we’ve read, I’d lie to Christian Grey about owning a cell phone too.

Lor: Wait, second best. Best is this:

“I’m sorry Mom- I should have asked the driver to stop so I could phone. But I was anxious to be back.” He glances at Jose.
Oh, that’s why, because Jose is staying here. I frown at the thought. Jeez-all that worry.”

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? This piece of shit couldn’t be bothered to CALL and CHECK IN after being several hours late and NEVER ARRIVING WITH HIS HELICOPTER AS SCHEDULED, ALL BECAUSE JOSE WAS WITH ANA?

He trusts his girlfriend so little that he’d rather everyone assume he were dead. Excellent. I’m so glad this chapter has at least established that.

Sweeney: Again, all of this is while he’s hiking around the woods with his irrelevant female companion.

There is some potential something happening between Mia and Elliot that I can’t even be bothered to care about because I hate everyone so much. Kate is all totes happy for Ana, since her boyfriend’s not dead. She makes a joke about them becoming sisters-in-law, which causes Ana to make some sort of telling face that Kate sees. Ana wonders if her boyfriend proposing is the sort of thing she should tell her best friend. Um, WHAT? I had a text message from my best friend within the hour and I’d expect nothing less. Of course, this is Ana, who is the worst friend ever.

expected

 

Grey goes to get dinner and is astonished that he’s actually left her alone with Josecob. By “alone” we mean that Grey is “in the next room.” THAT’S SOME EPIC TRUST RIGHT THERE, GIRL! You know, except for the part where he refused to phone home and let you believe he was dead because he was that worried about letting you be alone with him. Except for that part.

She awkwardly says goodnight to Josecob who is a perfect gentleman and wishes his friend well, and adds that it would be nice to see her more often, like an actual good friend. He’ll leave early in the morning, because E. L. James doesn’t have enough recyclable dialogue between anyone but Ana and Grey.

In their bedroom, we repeat the, “OMG YOU’RE ALIVE!” declarations, which make me sad because they are bitter reminders of how close we came to finally winning the AND THEN SHE DIED game. So close, guys! Before Grey almost didn’t die, he was totes only thinking of his girlfriend of five weeks because she’s his “talisman.” Magic vagina! Deadly magics, actually. Or tragically not deadly magics? I’m not sure.

Lor: Someone please just die, is what I think you’re trying to say.

Sweeney: That’s usually what I’m trying to say. Thanks, Lor.

They decide to shower together, but this surprisingly short chapter is almost over and I’m seriously confused because this is actually not that painful, comparatively speaking and there’s clearly not enough time for me to be subjected to anything more than a quickie.

Ana tells Grey to drop his jacket, but he won’t because the birthday present she wouldn’t let him open until his birthday (it’s now after midnight) is in there and he wants to open it NOW. Oh dear. Oh no. I had that bad thought too soon. I take it back, chapter! I was just kidding! Totes painful enough! He opens it and it’s a little keychain that has the Seattle skyline and a little LED screen. She makes him turn it over so he can see where it says, “Yes.”

ugh1

expected

Lor: I was gonna say that clearly the whole purpose of Grey being “missing” for a page and a half was so that Ana could truly understand how bitter and lonely her life would be if she didn’t end up with the first person she ever fell in love with. Also, a “brush with death” would allow us to forgive Ana for accepting him, as who knows when we are going to die!!!! or something like that. 

BUT. She gave this “yes” answer to him a chapter or two ago. She’s known that she was going to say yes, then. And this whole time he’s been all, “what can I do to get you to say yes?” and she’s all, “I dooon’t know,” she been lying for the sake of a plastic keychain birthday gift.

I can’t decide which one of them is worse.

Sweeney: Welp. At least it was short.

 

Whisper – 13
Murmur – 10

This chapter was less than half the length of the previous chapter, so that count is proportionally super high. And that murmur count starts with Kate’s mental-patient consoling of Ana, meaning there was about a murmur per paragraph to get there.

Favorite comments last post: “Fiend of Satan. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOL FOREVER. So that’s why Santa never got me a pony. I was sending my letters to the wrong dude. Also…I told my mother about this as I read it because she knows of my hatred for everything in this series and is baffled every time I read her excerpts from it and her response to horses being described as “fiends of Satan” was “Well, it is a horror book she’s writing isn’t it?” I love my mother. Unintentionally hilarious comment FTW. Yes, yes it is a horror book, but not intentionally.” – wolf

“In surprisingly related news, I tried to go on Snark Squad at school today. You guys have been blocked because of “porn”. Congrats, that’s a pretty big step up from just “adult.language”!” – Julia K

 

Next time on Fifty Shades Darker: Accepted proposal sex, because, of course in Chapter 20.
Sweeney (all posts)

I collect elaborate false eyelashes, panda gifs, and passport stamps. Reconciling my aversion to leaving the house/wearing pants with my deep desire to explore everything is my life's great struggle. I like language; semicolons bring fantastic things to the party, like letting it last longer.





Lorraine (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





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  • http://twitter.com/WillieSun Wilhelmina Upton

    Bless the Arrested Development gifs and the fact that this chapter was short!!

    So, um, Grey was missing for 8 hours? Nobody cares if you go missing for a couple of hours!!! Also, he is just a giant jackass. I hate him. And Ana. I hate these books. Has anyone ever attempted a public book burning of FSoG? Is that a thing? If not, could we make it a thing? Probably wouldn’t make a difference but just seeing it burn is most likely gonna feel good, right?!

  • Angi Black

    I wish I had something extra snarky to say hear, but I’m so downtrodden that these are real books. I feel like Anna’s Goddess has even given up at this point. She probably jumped in that fireplace in between dispassionate blinks. I know this goes without saying, but E.L. James – when you write a sexytimes book, even if you grossly mishandle it and make it abusive – the book is still supposed to include sexytimes. I just… can I join you at the Table of Ugh? I’ll bring my big ass goblet of win(e).

  • Corinna

    How is it that E.L. James manages to drag her non-plot over THREE FUCKING BOOKS but doesn’t manage to have him missing longer than half a chapter? 8 hours? That’s not worthy of a headline. Or maybe it would be. Something like: “Christian Grey Might Be Dead – At Last”.

    • http://thelatepartygirls.com Lorraine

      I disappear for 8 hours almost every day. It’s called having a real fucking job.

      Also, most days, I forget there is a third book.

      • Corinna

        You might have a real job, but Christian Grey sure has no real job – apart from being master of his universe and stuff, of course.

  • http://pushcomestoshove.blogspot.com/ Reba

    *cue intro music, roll headline: WHO’S PLAYING HIDE ‘N’ SEEK WITH CHRISTIAN GREY?

    Good Evening. Billionaire playboy Christian Grey was last seen flying off in his private helicopter with his bodyguard and an unnamed female passenger. He failed to return when expected, and no one has heard from him for eight hours. A spokesperson for the family has expressed concern for his safety. Police say a person must be missing for at least 24 hours before they can investigate.

    Here at Gossip!TV we’re wondering if the family knows the whole story. A source formerly close to the eccentric Grey has indicated that his… proclivities are a bit outside the norm. Perhaps we should be more concerned for his female companion!

    Even if that rumor proves untrue, Grey’s personal life may get messy, as one of the people upset about his disappearance is his most recent paramour, pictured here at a charity event, here at dinner, and getting into his car. Could his little trip with another woman mark the end of their whirlwind love affair? Tune in tomorrow, when we talk to one of Christian Grey’s former partners, just recently released from the hospital. Maybe she knows Who’s Playing Hide ‘n’ Seek with Christian Grey!
    **********

    There, have an interesting, more realistic premise. For free. Because no one with that much money in this country can take a walk in the park without someone taking their picture or reporting it to the papers. At least not anyone high profile enough to get the headline E.L. James wrote. Hell, JFK Jr. was missing for 15 hours before they even began searching. Try research; it’s fun!

    • wlreed

      I think I might love you

    • http://www.facebook.com/Devy13 Devon Jones

      There is so much win in this, I just don’t even know where to begin.

    • DWarner

      I don’t want to be seen as defending this awful book, but theoretically wouldn’t Christian (Ugh) Grey be in communication with air traffic control while he flies his stupidly nicknamed helicopter? (BTW – can I vote that we rename the helicopter “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot”? As long as we’re using the phonetic alphabet and all…) And wouldn’t air traffic control be concerned when they lose contact with him? I can’t believe I’ve actually reasoned this one out, I’m going to the Traumaland Liquor Store to deal with this…

  • Polge Clément

    I don’t know what to think of this, I mean it’s already a cheap plot to use “he fell down a cliff”, or “we found their body… BURNED TO A CRISP”, or “he died in an explosion, there was nothing left of him”, because we know that they always come back. But at least make it a point or something, you know. And maybe a little bit more than “I stood there with my pants down my legs against my chest rocking back and forth for eight hours, only fucusing on my dispationate breathing”.

    I have to disagree with you on one point though, the keychain was a perfect ending to a lame chapter, it was just so cheesy and absurd and inconsistent that I’m still giggling while typing, and I barely want to cry or kill myself, which is a HUGE improvement for these books.

  • Regina

    I never thought there’d be a fictional character I hate more than Bella Swan, but Ana Steele is that character…

  • Alex

    Given that all of E.L. James’s ‘plot twists’ get resolved in around three pages or less, I now have a new theory: she does not in fact exist at all. These books were actually a collaborative effort by a bunch of bored kids on a bus. They were playing that game – you know, the one where you take turns to add a bit more to a story that you’ve all built up together? But it never works because everyone always has some ridiculous idea that they just want to cram in to the story, no matter what’s come before.

    And so we end up with:

    Person 1: Oh no! Christian’s psychotic ex is stalking Ana and she’s got a gun!
    Person 2: Pffft, boring. Psychotic ex gets committed. No more psychotic ex. But uh oh, now someone’s blackmailing his other ex and everyone’s going to find out about Christian’s favourite extra-curricular activities! What are they going to do?!
    Person 3: Nah, that sucks. It turns out that was all just a joke, LOL. And now I’m bored of this game so… Christian dies in a helicopter crash. End of game.
    Person 1: Oh no you don’t! Christian’s totally fine, look, here he is now!

    …etc.

    Seriously, it would explain a lot, right?

  • wlreed

    Yes, if a family member of mine was missing and possibly dead, the first thing I think about doing is comforting his goddamn girlfriend who he’s been with all of two minutes and I’ve met twice, maybe three times. Makes perfect sense to me. I know it’s redundant, it seems like I ask the same question at some point in every post, but how are these books popular? I lose faith in humanity every time I think about it.

  • http://profiles.google.com/heather.bungardjanney Heather Bungard-Janney

    Seriously. If I were to write a do-over of this series, and make it actually kinky, actually hot, actually consensual, actually non-abusive, would people read it? Or should I just stick to my intended parody, “50 Shades of Buffy” wherein each scene is retold with either Buffy or Anya putting Christian DOWN on his ass where he belongs? Would people read that?

    • Alex

      I would sell my first child to read that.

      (The Buffy and Anya version, that is, not the kinky do-over)

  • Hanna

    I hope E.L. James knows of this blog, reads it, and goes to a corner to cry for all the backward steps she’s taking for womenkind.

    • Alex

      Me too. But sadly I picture her wiping away her tears with $100 bills or possibly £50 notes.

  • Catherine

    Can you even declare someone missing after 8 hours? I don’t even think that you can. Not adults anyway. Maybe super rich people can. But us poor folk have to wait 48 hours to be declared missing.

    Also, ugh! It just kills me that he spent the whole fucking day on a scenic flight with a random girl (the same thing he did to seduce Ana) and yet she’s not even allowed to spend a lunch with her friend just because he’s male. I don’t like Josecob either but it’s just sign number 289894737575 that this is an abusive relationship.

    I actually got to talking about these books with my librarian yesterday because they were on the ‘new releases’ shelf and it was so funny because she basically said that she’s glad when people read anything but she judges the shit outta anyone who comes in and says they love those books. Judges them secretly. As we all do.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jenna.evans.503 Jee Scull

    It is official… these books are either some cruel social experiment gone totally fucking wrong, or they were really just meant to be a joke, right? If not… face/palm.

    Also, after two whole books, we should band together and figure out how to make the Snark Ladies Fictional Booze Fund a Snark Ladies Actual Booze Fund. I can only imagine how much you ladies have to drink to numb yourselves to the idiocy of E.L. James (that stupid, stupid bitch).

    PS- Thanks for the AWESOME recaps… SO much better than the actual crap-tacular books.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/katherine.waldroop Katherine Waldroop

    I’m so annoyed right now. E.L. James has ruined my state. People who live in Seattle don’t buy other people who live in Seattle souvenirs from Seattle -_-

  • http://www.facebook.com/yasmina.samraoui Yasmina Samraoui

    So Christian’s helicopter crashes, putting him in a ‘perilous’ situation and ensuring Ana realises exactly how much he means to her at coincidentally the exact same time that he’s trying to persuade her to marry him?

    I know this is probably just down E.L’s horrible plot contrivance. But to me it also smacks of something everyone’s favourite controlling murderapist CEO might genuinely engineer to manipulate the wedding ring onto her finger, no? It’s the rich man’s big budget version if ‘waa if you don’t marry me I’ll put myself in a dangerous situation and THEN you’ll see how much you care!’

    • Polge Clément

      True, but you’re forgetting the worst part of the story: it makes Ana realises how much he means to her, but she had actually ALREADY decided to say yes. So not only is it stupid contrivance, but it’s also completely useless. Which shows that EL James fails both at writing a plot and as having a brain.

      • http://www.facebook.com/yasmina.samraoui Yasmina Samraoui

        Ah, but at that point Christian didn’t know she’d already decided, and it’s been established that he’s a) not patient when it comes to getting his own way b) rich and crazy enough to actually do this and c) pulls strings to manipulate his girlfriend’s life on a regular basis. I’m aware it’s not intended to be read as one of his schemes, but as usual James lacks enough awareness to realise that she’s written a diabolical freakshow totally capable of manipulation on this scale. He’s such a screwy, controlling asshole that I’m surprised in the 2 or so days he and Ana were broken up between books (or was it more, time becomes irrelevant in this shit heap) he didn’t hire a hitman to almost take him out, or something else equally contrived to make her come fleeing back to him. Let’s not forget he’s based on Edward ‘Suicide-By-Public-Sparkling’ Cullen, so acting out in hilariously theatrical ways is not exactly out of character.

        But you’re right on all counts. EL James… redefining the epic fail :/

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