Previously: Theon scorched two little boys who may or may not be the youngest Starks, Jon got cornered by Wildlings, Dany’s dragons got stolen by Fun Dip, and Sansa had the actual worst period that could possibly ever be imagined.
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The Prince of Winterfell
Sweeney: After the zoomy camera lied to us yesterday, I trust nothing, but there’s a chance we’ll be visiting King’s Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, The Wall, and/or Qarth. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE.
Lorraine: Watching TV is hard.
Sweeney: So many struggles.
We’re starting in Winterfell, where a bunch of ravens are being killed and Theon opens the gates for riders approaching, letting in Yara, who is not accompanied by the 500 men he asked for. Inside, she takes over with the gaggle of men she did bring. They eat and she mocks him for being a douche, proclaiming himself a warrior for defeating a cripple and a six-year-old. Also, she refers to him as The Prince of Winterfell, winning her today’s glittery gold star! And so early, too!
Theon tries to insist that he treated the boys honorably, but Yara’s having none of his bullshit. Taking Winterfell was fine, but hunting them down for running away and then butchering them is hardly honor. She calls him a dumb cunt, and I’m sharing because we know how I love Theon insults. Also, she’s right.
Yara didn’t bring more men because Papa Greyjoy wants him to come home. Winterfell is far from the sea, which is kind of their thing. Killing baby Starks basically makes him a prime target for everyone in the north, but Theon ain’t scared because he killed those ravens. ‘Cause, like, Robb’s never going to come home, or something? IDK.
She sends the men out so she can talk to him about how they’re blood and he’s being a fucking idiot, so he needs to get his shit together and not die so far from the sea. I still don’t forgive her for letting her brother get all handsy, knowing he was her brother, but she is clearly a lot more awesome.
Lor: She tells Theon a story that (1) reveals that she is older than he is, which I didn’t know and (2) I interpreted as she had a chance to kill him as a baby and didn’t. And now we have the Douche of Winterfell.
But, also, you know, the stuff Sweeney said about not being a fucking idiot, etc.
Sweeney: North of The Wall, Jon’s Wildling captors join some other Wildlings who have captured Halfhand for information, but probs killed the others. They want to kill Jon too, but Ygritte speaks up for him, due to his not killing her, and also his being Ned Stark’s bastard, making him somebody that they should take to their King North of the Wall. When they relent she tells Jon that they’re now even in terms of sparing each other from execution.
Jon chats with Halfhand, who confirms that the others are all dead, because they went looking for him. Halfhand tells Jon to make sure those deaths weren’t in vain.
Robb is chatting and laughing with Lady Talisa about his fiancee he’s never met. It gets real sad when he adds that he thought that crossing the bridge he sold his future happiness for would get him to King’s Landing in time to save his dad. All northerners, insist Lady Talisa, loved Ned, and they gush about how he was just the bestest ever. DAMN IT, NED STARK, YOUR GHOST IS STILL GIVING ME FEELS AND IT’S FUCKING RUDE.
Lor: All of his kids, save perhaps Sansa, have been so much on the move and that I don’t think we’ve seen them truly grieve or mourn. And maybe we won’t ever, but moments like these, or a moment when Arya is talking about her father to Tywin, they kill me. THEY KILL ME WITH FEELINGS.
Sweeney: YEP. FEELINGS DEATH. And it’s a total sneak attack too. “Oh, Robb and Lady Talisa are chatting about stuff and laughing. Lalalala.” BAM! DEATH BY FEELINGS.
This conversation is really just to transition into Robb’s totally legit justice-oriented reasons for fighting this war. His justice totally includes a headless Joffrey. I agree.
Lor: I cannot tell you how much this FRUSTRATED ME. I was so legit stressed out by this turn of events that I had to email Sweeney at some unreasonable hour to yell and scream and freak out. HOW COULD SHE? She really does have a knack for questionable decisions. Her logic here does not resemble our Earth logic and it makes me crazy.
I suppose, though, this war was going too well for him.
Sweeney: Basically. Robb was doing too well, so he needed to get stabbed in the back by his mother. He orders Cat guarded day and night, and calls for 40 more men to add to the 40 men already sent in pursuit of Jaime.
That’s our segue to Brienne and Jaime stumbling around the woods. Jaime tries to make small talk with Brienne, and I’m conflicted because he’s funny here, but mostly he’s still kind of smarmadouche to me. A universal theme around Traumaland seems to be that characters are more likable when they are useful. This is probably true of actual humans too, but we’re bloggers so we avoid all that socializing when possible.
Lor: Cool to note that Jaime assures her that only 3 men in the kingdom could win over him in a fight. We’ve already learned previously that Loras “Flowery Bieber” Tyrell is one of those men and, of course, Brienne easily beat Loras. SO YEAH. SHUT IT.
Sweeney: He settles, though, partly because he finally accepts that Brienne won’t rise to his bullshit, and mostly because this scene is over.
In the depressing decimated towers of Harrenhal, Tywin is having a war council meeting in which he is being told shit he doesn’t want to hear, mostly that Stannis will crush them. Also, Robb’s right on his heels, so that’s a problem too. Fortunately, Robb’s attention is a little distracted, because of that great favor that Theon Greyjoy did for them. Tywin’s not much comforted by this, and he wants to march right away, before Robb has a chance to know what’s coming.
Back in the blizzardy misery of north-of-The-Wall, Halfhand is whispering to Jon that the Wildlings will be marching on The Wall, and that if they could just get one man inside their ranks, it would be a big help and Jon Snow could be that man if he does what needs to be done. Then he starts yelling at Jon for screwing everyone over by screwing Ygritte. Jon’s all WTF!? and Halfhand knocks him down the hill, which gets him in trouble with the lead guard. They all keep marching, but Ygritte stops to give Jon a knowing winky-faced look.
Lor: Jon always looks bewildered so that should help sell his role to Mance. I think.
Sweeney: Tyrion is annoyed with Bronn for cleaing his nails with scissors in front of him and also for not wearing the gold cloak, which Bronn wants no part of, because he’s more comfortable being a sneaky bastard. Mostly, Tyrion is just in the mood to be snippy with Bronn, who doesn’t understand why Tyrion wants him sitting around reading books and shit. I was about to say that I’m with Bronn on not understanding that, when Tyrion struggles to pronounce a name and Bronn reads it just fine.
Varys walks in to note a marked drop in thievery, which Bronn answers for by saying that he rounded up all the known thieves, leaving them with just the unknown thieves to worry about. He then lectures them about what a city under siege really looks like, when people start panicking and losing their collective minds. Looting and starving are the primary causes of death.
Lor: And the thieves become rich, which would be a difference from all those honor-bound righteous people that are rich currently.
Sweeney: LOL. A+
Varys also gives us the correct pronunciation of the name, and Tyrion gets back to planning. Stannis knows King’s Landing, and Tyrion looks at a map to point out his most likely point of entry. They need something to throw at him when he does. Bronn suggests books and I want to smack him. Tyrion adds that the thing they do have is “pig shit,” but I think he means wildfire. Because ew.
Back in the frozen wasteland, Samwell and some other men of the Night’s Watch are digging and having bro chat about where Jon & Co. are. The nameless men are pretty sure Jon’s dead. NUH-UH, says Sam. Then their digging strikes on a weird giant stone with marks by the First Men we’ve heard so much about. Underneath it is a mega old Night’s Watch cloak wrapped around some dragon glass/obsidian. This is just more ominous long-haul foreboding that won’t actually go anywhere this episode.
Lor: Good to know, thanks.
Sweeney: Back in Harrenhal, Arya bumbles around looking for A-Man, anxious as fuck. She finally finds him and they chat about the possibility of killing Tywin in time to save her brother. Probs not gonna happen, what with Tywin being gone and all. Arya’s pissed, since she was looking for A-Man when Tywin was within striking distance. To be fair, she has had other chances. He insists on a name so she leans in close and whispers “Jaqen H’ghar,” and he flips out because that’s no joke. Arya’s not joking. She finally agrees to un-name him if he agrees to help her and her friends escape. It’s more deaths than he promised her, though, and he says she lacks honor. “LOL WHATEVA, I’M A DIREBOSS,” she says with a shrug. He relents, as long as she promises to obey.
Sweeney: An excellent question. I have no idea.
In King’s Landing it’s time for another sibling showdown. Cersei’s anxious because Joffrey plans on fighting. Tyrion says that’s a good idea because it’s motivating for the troops and also because maybe he’ll die and not be king. That last part’s maybe just implied. They bicker about Joffrey’s readiness and then Cersei switches gears, getting really smug. Tyrion’s “Why are you happy?” is the best thing ever, a line made brilliant more by the delivery than the line itself.
Answer? She has his little whore! WHAT? Cersei goes on about how if Joffrey is hurt in battle, the girl will suffer matching wounds and, more importantly, if Joffrey dies, Cersei — mother of the sick fuck that is Joffrey — will devise the most miserable death in the history of Westeros, which is probs true. They bring her in to show Tyrion that she’s not dead yet and it turns out that it’s Ros. Cersei got it wrong. Tyrion manages to keep his game face on and pretend they got the right girl, effectively throwing Ros further under the bus to save Shae. I get it, of course, but given that he brought Ros to Joffrey earlier, he has really done all sorts of horrible by poor Ros.
After Ros is taken out, Tyrion does give Cersei a really menacing, compelling speech about he will come at her for this, which is probably really true, for all the fear she gave him.
Lor: I love how much Tyrion holds his own against Cersei. She is absolutely a power to be reckoned with but it is his threats in this scene that seemed more menacing.
Sweeney: He then rushes back to Shae, his voice filled with terror and relief when he sees her, totally fine. He reiterates that they need to be more careful because of all the people that want to hurt him and also he’ll kill for her. Shae, to her credit, promises to cut faces off for him. Then he adds, “You’re mine,” which long-time Traumateers know are words that make us gag. I get over it, though, because Shae’s, “I’m yours and you are mine,” has more strength than the shell-who-shall-not-be-named could ever dream of.
Sweeney: Robb’s advisor is trying to keep him from going back to Winterfell, because Theon wouldn’t be stupid enough to hurt his brothers as they’re Theon’s only hope of escaping the north with his head. Womp. Robb relents, though, and lets this guy’s son handle this situation. Robb’s rule is that any iron-born who surrenders can return home, with the exception of Theon, who Robb wants to handle personally.
She goes on to give her backstory, in which she had been left to look after her little brother and kind of failed. Her brother nearly died, and was saved by a slave — in a fashion that could have gotten said slave killed — and this inspired her to run off to battle fields sawing bones off and stuff. Also, to not live in slave cities, because that’s awful.
Robb is so inspired by her speech and passion for civil rights that he’s all, “I’M NOT MARRYING THE BRIDGE GIRL,” and she’s all, “YEAH, DON’T,” and they go straight to having sex by the battle planning table.
Sweeney: Back at Harrenhal, Arya’s waiting for A-Man’s signal with Gendry and her pudgy not-friend. Gendry is asking all sorts of logical questions, but Arya says that A-Man just told her to walk through the gates at midnight. As they finally go to do that, they realize that all the guards they were worried about are dead. You know, the many-more-deaths issue?
Out at sea, late at night, Davos Seaworth and Stannis are chatting about the winds and their odds and all of that, as they’re about to storm King’s Landing. I also learn why Davos is the best, because apparently high born men tried to tease him by calling him The Onion Lord, so he took the onion for his sigil and sewed it on all his shit. That’s just awesome. Well done, sir.
Onion Lord tries to say he gets why those men are dicks, but Stannis isn’t hearing any of that shit. Stannis goes on to talk about how shitty the war was, before Robert won the throne and basically fucked over Stannis. Apparently Onion Lord saved the lives of Stannis and everyone at Storm’s End. Stannis promises to make Davos Hand when he takes the iron throne.
Inside King’s Landing, Joffrey is pissy with Varys for failing at his “Master of Whisperers” gig. He’s bald, though — he can’t very well keep any secrets in his big hair if he hasn’t got any. (L: A+) Also, Theon’s capture of Winterfell has interfered with Varys’s little birds in the north, what with Theon killing birds and other helpless things.
Joffrey wants to march north and strike, but Tyrion reminds him that Stannis is about to arrive. Joffrey brags ignorantly about riding out to greet Stanis at the shore and giving him a RED smile from ear to ear.
After Joffrey walks off, Varys and Tyrion have a brief chat about what’s ahead, but it starts with the basic cautionary banter required in a place whose unofficial motto is TRUST NO ONE. Tyrion gives a speech about how stunned he was to be made acting Hand of the King, and Varys adds that Tyrion plays the game well, which we’ve already said, so you get a hearty +1 from the Snark Squad, Varys. (Just what you’ve always wanted, I’m sure.)
They joke about the gods being shitty, wanting burning and drowning. The fertility goddess with sixteen tits is apparently in the summer isles, and Tyrion wants to go there. Also, Varys has heard that our girl Daenerys lives. This raven shit is apparently super inefficient communication. This entire story would be impssible with modern technology. Can you imagine how differently this would all go down if I could just tweet, “OMG, saw mother of dragons! #hbic #allhailthequeen” or “Totes saw some sibling-fucking” -@brannstark.
Lor: BEST.
“About to move on KL’s. BRB” – @stannisbaratheon
“BRING IT. WE ABOUT TO RAIN FIRE ON THESE BITCHES.” – @cerseithequeeny
Sorry. I had to play along too. It’s the best.
Sweeney: I understand. It took all of my limited will power to stop at two.
Tyrion’s not all worried about Dany because she’s at the edge of the world and also LOL dragons, because everyone seems to have that reaction. More importantly, this: “One game at a time, my friend.”
Over in Qarth, Ser Jorah is trying to get Dany to flee, because she’s going to die in Qarth and also those dragons are not her babies. Dany scenes make me want to read the book more than anything, because this soap opera acting is crushing what is clearly an epic character. She’s not having any of Ser Jorah’s caution and wants him to legit serve her if that’s what he swears he’s going to do and go find her fucking dragons. She also shuts down all his cartoon heart dreams by adding that the dragons are her children, the only ones she’ll ever have.
In Winterfell, Theon Douche Prince of Winterfell wants to bury the corpses, but his Iron Guide wants the corpses to stay up as a warning. While this is going on, Maester Luwin spots Osha running into the crypts with some loaves of bread. He walks closer to the dangling corpses to get a better look.
Down in the crypts Osha is explaining to Luwin that they got as far as the farm before doubling back, expecting that they’d never check there. Luwin speculates that the corpses are the farmer’s boys, but that Bran must never know because he’d blame himself. Obviously this is the cameraman’s cue to pan over to Bran, who is listening in the shadows. You never hear anything good while listening in the shadows.
Lor: Cue insta-guilt. Womp.
Next time: Does Daenerys get her dragons back? Will Stannis level King’s Landing and most importantly kill Joffrey? Find out on Game of Thrones S02 E09 – Blackwater.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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