Previously: Ana agreed to marry Grey and gave him the rest of her birthday present, which includes a butt plug. Happy birthday! Wee!
—
Sweeney: Christian Grey’s MAGICAL birthday continues. I’m drafting this early because the actual post date is too close to my own birthday and I don’t intend to celebrate with Christian Grey’s butt plug.
Speaking of, someone mentioned last week that Ana’s failures now extend to gift giving, as Grey’s presents were mostly his own stuff. Good job, Ana!
Lorraine: I was going to make a joke about giving you your own stuff for your birthday, but butt plugs are too close to this joke and I don’t want to make it awkward. Maybe I just did.
Sweeney: It happens. There’s just a lot of general awkward around here that we can’t really avoid.
Everyone’s least favorite couple stands outside the door of the Red Womb of Domestic Violence and have an anxious pre-game pep talk. Grey wants to know if there is anything she really doesn’t want to do and I’m all, “Get murdered! Or beaten! Or have sexual or any other contact with you at all!” but Ana just says that she doesn’t want pictures taken of her, since she found his stash of photos of his ex victims, though she doesn’t explain that why. That’s a great memory to get you in the mood to have murdery sex with your new fiance. Also a pretty stupid choice for your one-thing-you-don’t-want-to-do when dealing with Christian Grey. It’s like characters getting three wishes and totally wasting all of them.
Grey does at least make sure that they’re in there because she wants to be beaten, not because she thinks he wants to beat her. Her trembling, whispered consent isn’t really the committed, “Let’s do this,” that should be present before they proceed. Not that this matters to him, of course, and he gets immediately into giggly plotting villain mode over all the possibilities.
He puts music on (no hymns today) (L: But yes music with subway sounds in the background, which Ana calls music to make love to. Mmmkay.) and makes her undress slowly and puts the silver tie on her and kisses her. He turns her around and does another one of his magic insta-braids. Then he grabs the butt plug she gave him and explains that it’s a size too large for an anal virgin like herself and the nipple clamps are srsbsns. He suggests using his pinky for the anal portion and some hairpin-esque clamps instead.
Lor: I find it hilar that she picked out a monster plug for her poop hole, but when Grey suggests putting a finger in there, she’s all GASP! WHAT?! A FINGER?
And now I’m just kind of sad that noticing these kinds of things is part of my life.
Sweeney: We should start keeping a list of these horrifying byproducts of the blog.
We’ve discussed the variety of reasons that it occasionally becomes a struggle to snark. This, right now, is difficult because the writing is so hilariously poor that I don’t know how to add anything to it.
I blink up at him, wide-eyed. Christian, my sexual mentor. He knows so much more about all this than I do. I’ll never catch up. I frown. He knows more than me about most things . . . except cooking.
Lor: Oh, that was subtle, James. Think cooking comes up again? Guys, maybe? I’m just guessing.
Sweeney: It’s also very been there, done that. Wasn’t the premise of the first book that he was her murdersex tutor? Whatever. Apparently the lessons didn’t take and E. L. James remembered all those chapters she had already written, all ready for recycling, so here we are. Now that we have our reminder that Ana knows how to blink and is only good for getting fucked and cooking, we also get some classic Confused Ana. She’s under the impression that murdersex is all supposed to be scripted or something and is super perplexed by the idea that Grey is just making this up as he goes along. We’re long past any hope of finding out that this has all been an elaborate joke.
Remember all the times Grey got mad at Ana for having emotions of any kind without being ordered? Right, so, that’s the basis for her current confusion, and it isn’t helped when Grey gives a speech about how they are now lovers instead of dom/sub (the insistence that these must be mutually exclusive concepts is part of James’ whole cracked out presentation of BDSM) which means he wants her to laugh but then also he’s still totes interested in being “rude” to her, so maybe don’t laugh.
As Grey drags Ana around the room by the tie, like a leash, she notices that his special cane section is missing. While we learn this information in the usual Ana-making-tangential-observations fashion, missing beating devices is a thing she should be alert for. You never know when/where they might resurface.
He makes her kneel on a table (Inner Goddess SCISSOR-KICKS onto said table because she’s a stupid bitch who should be punched in the vag) (L: HOW DO YOU SCISSOR KICK ONTO ANYTHING?) (ALL THE QUESTIONS.) and handcuffs her. Then she wonders if “one [can] lust after one’s husband like this?” because she doesn’t remember reading about it. I don’t even understand her question. I think she’s wondering if it’s possible to want to fuck one’s husband, because I guess she’s never read a book in which that’s a thing because her reading is too highbrow for fucking or something, I don’t know. The question makes me laugh, though, because it’s Ana and it sounds like she’s also asking if it’s morally appropriate to want to want to fuck one’s own husband.
Lor: I don’t know if James was going for a moral thing here or if she was trying to purposefully appeal to the lonely housewives who haven’t gotten laid in years demographic. Or maybe trying to perpetuate the stereotype of the lonely housewife who endures sex as a chore. Because everyone else’s sex sucks, and Christian and Ana’s sex is totes the best!
Sweeney: Ana licks his face and Grey reminds her to calm down because he’s a quick finisher on par with Jim Levenstein, because we all know how desirable that quality is in a guy! Ana’s also really excited that she has the guts to lick his face at all, and is no longer completely terrified of him. I’m not sure that decline in horror is well advised.
Apparently he didn’t actually cuff her before and just talked about it? This is so sloppy and illogical. He cuffs her just above the elbows, to force her to arch her back, and it sounds really uncomfortable. Then he blindfolds her again, though her descriptions don’t change a lot, as she knows that he’s stepping away to get something out of a drawer. It’s not the noise but her changing proximity to the Christian-smelling-like-Christian odor that gives him away.
Lor: “It smells like manipulation, abuse and murder about three feet from me. Christian must’ve moved!”
Sweeney: He returns and makes sure to take off the tie because he doesn’t want to ruin it, another great mood-establisher.
Lor: This terrible writing made me giggle, so I’ll share in full:
“I don’t want to ruin my favorite tie,” he murmurs. It slowly unravels as he undoes it.“
It… unravels…? SO IT’S RUINED, YEAH?
Sweeney: Good try, though!
There’s a lot of oil and rubbing and calling her Mrs. Grey. He clamps her nipples, which, ironically, seems to be the first time that Ana doesn’t talk about her nipples elongating during sex. Grey makes her suck on an “ornate metal pacifier” (L: PEDO-ALERT.) so he can put it inside of her and she briefly panics that he’s going to shove it up her ass and I laugh. He opts for the vajay with that one, though, because its a vibrator. I know because of Ana’s amazing description:
Instantly the plug inside me starts to vibrate — down there! I gasp.
Sorry, this is why we get flagged as porn, I guess. I just had to direct quote the fact that she is supposedly all right with having really rough sex but still refers to her vagina as “down there.” Grey sticks his pinky in her butt and she orgasms with her usual pirate “Argh!” noises.
Lor: I was super confused in this scene because (1) she refers to both her vagina and her anus as “down there.” So it was all, “no, I’m not gonna put it there, I’m gonna put it there, and then he put it there.” and (2) I refused to read it more than once for clarification.
Sweeney: Re-reading for clarification is above and beyond our self-inflicted unpaid job here.
Grey removes all devices and carries her to the bed. They joke about how he’s trying to kill her, but they are way less funny than we are, mostly because they are only joking. “Death by orgasm,” is his comment and that sounds way too merciful, though I’d take it. At this point any death will do. Except that last chapter we learned that they have healing orgasms. WHICH IS IT?
They have sex and she’s thinking about how he almost died so she’s crying during it, but they kiss and it’s all better. She also has this annoying little thought about how they “don’t know each other well” but it’s whatever because they can deal with that after they are married. At this point, I’m no longer annoyed with this because of how short their relationship is, but because of the inconsistency. Every other page it changes between not knowing each other and OMG YOU KNOW ALL THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT ME. Really, neither of these characters have enough depth for there to be that much to know.
Lor: I’ll be more annoyed by the fact that she’s basically said, “get married first, know each other later.” We’ll cover the entire spectrum of DEAR LORD. WHAT IS THIS?
Sweeney: After sexytimes, they discuss how he got rid of the canes for her (TRUE LUV) and will get rid of the many whips, paddles, and floggers too, exempting the crop and the flogger that she likes. So that’s a thing that we have to look forward to in the next book. Then she gushes about all the things she loves about him, which basically consist of fucking her and a series of positive personality traits we have seen no actual signs of.
They take a nap, shower, and Ana cooks while Grey checks email in his office. The Red Power Ranger returns to reiterate the Baby Power Ranger is fine and Charlie Tango has been located. Her BFF Kate texted her, looking forward to getting to actually talk to her that night, though I have no idea why she would want to do that.
Then Ana “call[s] up the e-mail program” which, you know, LOLFOREVER, because she needs to email Grey. GUYS, THEY ARE IN THE SAME APARTMENT AND WE STILL GET THESE STUPID EMAILS. She can’t even be away from him for the time it takes to cook this meal without needing to email him. They discuss how great the sex was and Grey runs in to kiss her and returns to his office.
She brings him lunch and he is on the phone with Mia. He hangs up and is genuinely upset that her dress — one he purchased for her — is so short. He calms down when she assures him that only the help will see her in it. I hate him.
Then he calls her back in because he called her dad. Guys. I know that he had said he was going to ask for permission and all that jazz, but he couldn’t have discussed it with her before he did it? Given her a heads up? Maybe had her be in the room for that conversation? But, no, because this is Christian Grey and he does whatever the fuck he wants, generally with as little regard for the feelings of others as humanly possible. (Which is why it’s so hilarious when Ana gushes about his compassion all the time. Kind of like when he talks about how smart she is.)
Lor: It’s even more frustrating because she told him, “DON’T DO THAT” and he still did. And yet, we get reminded at least once a chapter that Ana can say no to shit. And, I mean, she can, but he just never listens.
Sweeney: No means yes!
Ray points out that they’ve only been dating a hot minute, but when she says that Grey is her “happily ever after,” he’s all, “Oh, wow, that’s serious!” because everyone in this book has the mental and emotional development of an eight-year-old. Ana gives the phone back to Grey and he gets her father’s blessing. Asking for her father’s permission is crazy dated and an insult to her own personal autonomy, but undermining her autonomy is the basis of this relationship.
After they eat lunch (LUNCH, guys, because these days drag on forever) and he’s complimented his woman on her cooking (L: COOKING, SEE?), Grey asks Ana why she asked not to have pictures taken. She gets really uncomfortable and afraid of him again (Your future husband! Enjoy.) (L: Gets better every time.) (Agreed. New favorite.) before admitting that she found his stash of naked ex-sub photos. Grey says he keeps them as an insurance policy against exposure. What a class act! “Don’t tell anyone how I beat the shit out of you, or I’ll share these naked photos of you.” Class. Act.
He’s also confused because he keeps them in a safe, but he supposes that GSP must have acquired the combination and moved them. I’d come steal my blackmail photos too!
Anyway, Ana’s still less concerned about the beating or the fact that her fiance’s a smarmadouche than the old, “But maybe you’ll go back to them!” refrain that we will never. ever. let go. The fact that she can’t let this go is a good sign that she’s not ready to get married, but nobody asked for my opinion, unfortunately. Grey is confused because he thought that when she let him stick a finger in her ass, they “exorcised all those ghosts,” and Ana’s all like, “LOL, yeah, you’re right!” so he agrees to shred the photos and the problem disappears.
He has to go back to work and she has to bake a cake and call her mother. Mom, to her credit, is a little more WTF about all of this than dad. She assumes Ana is pregnant and I cringe at the horrifying reminder of what’s ahead in book three.
Lor: Ana’s super sad that her mom wondered if she, a 21 year old woman with a reproductive system who is having sex on a more than regular basis, is pregnant. Because beating your girlfriend is fine, but pregnancy out of wedlock is sad.
Sweeney: Mom gets very sad about Ana’s dead biological father (aforementioned “dad” is her stepdad) and it’s more funny than sad, because James can’t write emotional depth, primarily because she can’t write. Period. But mostly because of this:
He only held you once, and he was so proud. He thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world.” Her voice is a deathly hush as the familiar tale is retold . . . again. She will be in tears next.
“I know, Mom.”
“And then he died.”
SOMEONE DIED!
Lor: SWEENEY!!! IT EVEN SAYS “AND THEN HE DIED.” HAPPY ALMOST BIRTHDAY.
Sweeney: I KNOW. The wrong someone. Or, rather, a potential right someone died too late. A little earlier and there would be no Ana. Also a death that predates our book, but still. I would just like to take a moment to appreciate the fact that this book contains the words “And then he died.”
I don’t know that we’ve ever shared the full story behind “And then she died” because it’s stupid long. The shortest possible version is that those words are part of Edward Cullen’s internal monologue in Midnight Sun, Stephenie Meyer’s unpublished, ridiculous retelling of Twilight from his perspective. There’s more to how/why it became our favorite game around here, but this detail seems relevant now.
Anyway, mom gets over the sadz and her new guy is on the other line so she’s all, “Whatever, I’m happy for you. Gotta go.” Your 21-year-old daughter just told you she’s getting married and you’ve been on the phone for three minutes max, but you absolutely must take this other call. At least Ana’s failures as being a human being now make more sense. She also subtly implies throughout the conversation that having Ana ruined her life which, you know, it ruined ours too. But also probably your shitty parenting contributed to all of that. There is just so much blame to share here.
Ana goes back to cake-baking and she’s one ingredient short, so she has to run to the store. She goes to say goodbye to Grey and he’s super pissed that she’s wearing that short dress in public and tries to stop her. Ana runs away and does it anyway. For all of you with friends who love these books THIS IS THEIR DREAMY FANTASY MAN. This is a hallmark of abusive relationships, you guys! I don’t think any of our readers need this memo, but just in case: if you or a friend is dating a someone who tries to impose rules on clothing, contrary to your/friend’s wishes and comfort, this is likely an emotionally abusive relationship.
She goes to the ATM and she’s annoyed Grey has apparently already wired money to her account (and $50,000 is like INSTANTLY transferred which makes perfect sense except for the part where it absolutely does not) because he wants to make sure she gets used to being rich. I don’t know what to say to that except that yes, that’s true if she’s going to marry him. Poor baby.
Lor: I hope the FBI shows up at her door to investigate this sudden transfer of $50,000.
Sweeney: That would be amazing.
She returns and they both apologize to each other, even though she has nothing to apologize for and because it’s them, that apology has to happen with sex. Based on the duration of this day, it has to be the quickest sex ever. Thankfully, it’s handled in a few sentences so I’m spared certain knowledge either way.
After she finishes his cake it is apparently good and he says it is why he wants to marry her. Then it’s time to go to his family’s house for family birthday times. Shortly after they arrive, Kate storms up to them and she is way pissed. All three of them go into a separate room to talk. She has printed out a copy of Ana’s e-mail response to Grey about the infamous contract.
DUN DUN DUUUUN. Yet another chapter that ends with all sorts of hope for my headcanon (in short, it currently sounds like Kate might not suck) but sure in the knowledge that such dreams can never last. Oh well.
Whisper Count – 22
Murmur Count – 25
Favorite comment last post: “Add ‘giving birthday gifts’ to the list of things Ana sucks at. ‘A cheapass keychain, a toy, and…a box of my own stuff? THANKS IT’S WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED.'” – Yasmina Samraoui
Next time: Kate confronts Ana about her abusive relationship. Find out how many pages it takes her to give up and decide that this is a totally legitimate relationship. Also: LAST CHAPTER! Huzzah! Chapter 22
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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