Previously: All of season 2! But most previously, Tyrion is left powerless, Daenerys got her dragons back, Jon Snow killed the Halfhand, Jaqen H’ghar changed his face, Theon was clonked over the head and ZOMBIES. It was a busy season.
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Valar Dohaeris
Lorraine: I was expecting the credits to roll first, but we get a pre-credits teaser today! Against a black screen we hear some war sounds -metal clanging, screaming and general death-sounds. We stylistically fade into the white misery of north of the wall where Samwell is running through the snow with all the speed and grace of someone who is about to get eaten very soon.
Sweeney: I was totally surprised to find him still alive! I assumed he was dead after that finale. I can’t say that I care all that much that either way, but it was unexpected.
Lor: I kind of figured when the big, scary White Walker on a horse just looked at him and kept walking, he would be okay.
Sam spots a figure in black and calls out to his “brother.” He approaches the figure and it turns out this is his dead, beheaded, bloody and super disgusting brother. Not only that, but there is an axe wielding White Walker creeping up on him now too. The White Walker swings his axe and Sam falls to the ground, seemingly SOL, but when he turns we see Ghost just getting his DIREBOSS CHOMP on, pulling the White Walker away from Sam. I paused my loud and obnoxious “di-re-boss! di-re-boss!” chant to note that Ghost is here AND NOT ANYWHERE NEAR JON SNOW. I mean, I guess it’s cool that Sam’s not dead, but still.
Sweeney: Who cares about Sam? This separation is a thing I do not approve. It seems that all of you who tweeted with us were also on the DO NOT LIKE train about this. Do you hear us, writers? Dislike. Correct & return ASAP.
Lor: Speaking of Sam not dying, further help comes in the form of Lord Commander Mormont who lights the White Walker on fire. Sam has one second to catch his OMG I ALMOST JUST DIED breath before LCM is asking him if he sent the ravens. He did not.
Sweeney: And I got stupidly confused by the request, too. I was laughing as I made it, thinking, “This is also a message to myself.”
Unexpected perk of blogging-as-the-show-airs is that my gif skillz will hopefully improve over the course of the season. Or maybe they won’t. We’ll see.
Lor: And either way it should be entertaining.
The Lord Commander tells the remaining Night’s Watchmen that they must return to the wall to warn everyone about the White Walkers.
Now we roll credits and maybe they won’t lie to us this season: King’s Landing, Dragonstone, Harrenhal, Winterfell ON FIRE, The Wall, and across the sea we’re at Astapor.
Can I just say how devastating it was to see Winterfell on fire? I know we left it burning but to have it burning in the credits just makes it seem so absolute and final. It hurts my heart.
Sweeney: SO MUCH SADNESS. The shot of Winterfell burning in the background was a devastating end to S2, so THANKS FOR THE PAINFUL REMINDER.
Lor: North of the Wall, Jon Snow is being led through the Wildling camp by Ygritte. There is a legit giant walking by. Not like a “hey, that guy is tall!” giant. A legit giant.
Ygritte teases him about staring, because giants are shy and then angry, in that order. As they keep walking, the other Wildlings start throwing rocks at him. None of you bitches better mess up his pretty face is all I’m saying. Ygritte does some expositing about the Wildlings not liking him because he’s a crow (thanks, we got that from the rock throwing) and also, Mance will decide if he lives another day.
Sweeney: It’s some of the weirdest flirting I’ve ever seen.
Lor: Agreed.
Jon enters Mance’s tent and because I didn’t look into casting news before starting this season, I think the ginger man eating some form of meat is Mance Rayder. Ginger NotMance wants to know why they brought Jon Snow, and Ygritte says that he killed Qhorin Halfhand and wants to be one of them. Ginger NotMance stands and regards Jon, saying that Halfhand killed plenty of his friends, his really big but probably not legit giant friends. Jon plays it cool and says that big men fall just as hard when you put a sword through their hearts. (S: HIS FATHER TOLD HIM THIS. SHOTS AND SOBS FOR NED.) Ginger says something about killing little men, but I don’t think he thought this comeback through. “I’ve killed a lot of little men!” just doesn’t carry a lot of punch.
Sudden realization dawning on Jon, in a very “oops! Where are my manners?” way, he kneels in front of Ginger and calls him “your grace.” The Wildlings all laugh at him. From the back of the tent emerges Captain Wentworth!
I’ll be very sad if I’m the only person who immediately places Ciarán Hinds in Persuasion. I mean, I might get over it if the first thing that comes to mind when you see him is Harry Potter.
Sweeney: I’m so glad all of this just happened.
Lor: Me too, Sweeney. Me too.
A gruff, older and very jowly looking Ciarán, the real Mance Rayder, tells Jon to stand as they don’t bow to anyone beyond the wall. Mance identifies Jon as Ned Stark’s bastard and it’s the first “bastard” of the season everyone! Have a shot! Or, if you’re reading this at work or school when you should be doing work or school, have an extra 10 minutes not doing either of those things! It’s like a shot of procrastination.
Sweeney: BEST. You win all the things.
Lor: Mance notes as she leaves that Ygritte likes Jon and wonders if he likes her back, and if that’s why he wants to join the free people. Jon immediately looks around all shiftily and Ginger NotMance says he shouldn’t panic, as this isn’t the Night’s Watch where they make you swear off girls. Mance takes this moment to introduce Ginger NotMance as Tormund Giantsbane. That’s a good name, but I wish they would introduce characters earlier ’cause I’m kind of attached to Ginger NotMance at this point. Oh well. Tormund it is.
Tormund again expresses his disbelief that Jon was able to take out Halfhand. Mance says Halfhand was his enemy so he’s glad he’s dead. Mance wonders, though, what Jon was doing with Halfhand in the first place. Jon explains that Lord Commander Mormont sent him, as he was being groomed to lead. And yet, Mance points out, here he is, being a traitor. Well if that’s the case, Mance is a traitor too. The music swells and we get a very ominous shot of a man stroking an axe in the background. I guess the show wanted to remind us that people could die at any moment. It was the Game of Thrones version of a PSA.
Sweeney: Why is death so prominent in the fictional universes where I like the characters and yet so tragically absent when the characters are awful? THE DEEP PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS OF TRAUMALAND.
Lor: The kind that shall never be answered.
Mance asks why Jon wants to join them and he gives the standard, “I want to be free!” answer. Mance is all, “Nah dawgs. I see your hero complex from a mile away. You want to be a hero.” At this his axe guard stands and closes in on Jon. This prompts him to try another answer: he recounts the story of how Papa Incest sacrificed his incest baby to a White Walker, and the Lord Commander knew this was going on and didn’t stop it. Thousands of years ago, the first men fought against the White Walkers and Jon claims he wants to fight for the side that still does. He asks Mance if he came to the right place, and in response he’s offered a new, non-Night’s Watch cloak.
Sweeney: Hooray for cloaks that don’t get stones thrown at you.
Lor: King’s Landing in a beautiful establishing shot. It is the 16 minute mark when we get our first shot of season 3 boobies. They are on a woman who is in bed with Bronn, and I have to say that I paused the episode to look at the minute mark (before we saw the actual boobies, I swear) and I’m noticing how gorgeously lit this scene it. My goodness, there is sunlight streaming through the window and it is just the best. (S: Helps that we were just in miserable snowy wasteland north of the wall.) Bronn and the woman are getting their sexy-times flirt on but are interrupted by Podrick, who has come on Tyrion’s behalf, as a matter of life and death. Also, thanks to this scene we get this great out of context gif:
Tyrion, meanwhile is considering his scar in a mirror when there is a knock on his door. He thinks it is Podrick, but turns out it’s Cersei. He is hesitant to open the door, but she rightly points out that if she wanted him dead, a wooden door wouldn’t stop her. He lets her in, without her guards. She notes that he didn’t in fact lose a nose and it isn’t as gruesome as reports suggested, which I think is a nod to those of you who are book readers. I remember a commentor saying that in the books, the damage to Tyrion’s face is more severe.
Tyrion says that the guy who tried to kill him lost more than a nose. She says it serves that rebel right, but of course, it wasn’t a rebel who tried to kill him at all. She flippantly feigns half a second of surprise at this news and moves on to mocking his downgraded room and his stature. Tyrion: Maester Pycell made the same joke. You must be proud to be as funny as a man whose balls brush his knees.
Sweeney: A+ for Tyrion.
Lor: Cersei says that she knows that Tyrion is going to meet Tywin and she wants to know why. He wonders why she cares and she claims he has a history of slandering her to their father.
Tyrion: Slander? When?
Cersei: You told him I had my guards beat that servant girl at Casterly Rock.
Tyrion: You did have your guards beat her. A girl of nine, I believe
Cersei: I was nine too.
Tyrion: She lost an eye, if I remember correctly.
Cersei: If I remember correctly, she never stole a necklace again.
Just in case you recently had a “Cersei isn’t THAT bad” thought recently, she reminds us that bitch be crazy. Cersei is worried Tyrion will “lie” to Tywin.
Outside, Bronn and Podrick approach. Bronn takes this moment to make fun of the Goldcloaks standing guard and also inform us that he is newly Ser Bronn of the Blackwater. He walks toward the door, but the Goldcloacks threaten him. There is a moment of tension but Cersei walks out, not looking to her left or right, and the Goldcloaks obediently follow.
We cut to Tyrion and Bronn walking through King’s Landing. Bronn easily haggles more money out of Tyrion. In the background we see some of the damage King’s Landing suffered.
Out in the middle of the sea, on a large rock formation, Davos Seaworth opens his eyes. His skin is burned in small sections. He stands and immediately starts hailing a ship in the distance. The ship sends a few men on a rowboat. Rowboat Man asks who he is, and Davos explains he fought in the battle at Blackwater. Rowboat Man wants to know for which king, and after a second, Davos says for the one true king, Stannis Baratheon. Apparently, that was the right answer.
On the boat, Davos is speaking with Salladhor Saan, who goes on about thinking he was dead. It’s pretty awkward though, because Davos’s son is dead. Salladhor for his part is sorry and commiserates. Davos wants to go to Dragonstone, where Stannis is, and Salladhor thinks he’s fucking crazy. See, Melisandre (Creepy Red Lady) has been getting even creepier, as she is now burning men who speak against her alive. Not even that deters Davos, however.
Sweeney: SHE’S SO TERRIFYING. She’s fairly innocuous off in Dragonstone, killing characters we’ve never met, but it’s only a matter of time before she interacts with non Dragonstone people and one-ups her current terrorchievement of birthing dementors.
Lor: I can’t even imagine what the next step up from birthing dementors even is.
Robb Stark and his men ride up to Harrenhal, prepared to seize it, though Robb doesn’t seem to think it will be much of a fight. We cut to inside of the ruin, and I’m assuming that there was no fight at all, as it appears to be completely deserted, save for the multitude of slain northmen. It is tragic. Robb walks with his mother who is able to identify one of the slain men. We also get a peak at how disenchanted Robb’s men appear to be, especially now that Jaime Lannister is free. Robb orders his mother be taken away into a chamber that will serve as a cell.
Sweeney: As much as I am still frustrated with her for freeing Jaime this bit gave me ALLTHERAGE. You stop being a dick to your mother, Robb. Stop that shit right now.
Lor: It was all to save face with his soldier-bros, I believe.
Nearby, a man sputters into consciousness.
King’s Landing. Tyrion sits in front of Tywin and even when I yell at Tyrion to just leave now, he keeps sitting there as Tywin writes a letter and ignores him. Tyrion jokes that the BFF pin looks good on him and says he was very happy as Hand of the King. Tywin says he gave Tyrion “real power” and seems to think he spent his days “as [he] always has, bedding harlots and drinking with thieves.” Tyrion uncomfortably jokes that sometimes he drank with the harlots. Tywin asks what he wants. Tyrion says that Tywin forgot to visit him after he was wounded, after he organized the defense of the city, he led men into battle while Joffrey quivered in fear, and he bled in the mud for his family. What does he want? A little gratitude, he says, would be nice. Tywin says that he’s a Lannister and shouldn’t expect a bed of roses every time he’s wounded in battle. Anyways, Tywin is busy looking after 7 kingdoms (3 of which are in rebellion) so he wants to know what Tyrion really wants.
Well, Jaime is the eldest son, but cannot inherit Casterly Rock, as he is one of the Kingsguard, and apparently took an oath similar to the Night’s Watch, which disallows him to inherit. This means that as the next son (Cersei is older, but has a vagina, meaning she doesn’t count) he is legally meant to inherit Casterly Rock. Tywin offers his son a number of things, including “suitable” living conditions, a position and even a wife, all if he behaves. As for Casterly Rock? Well:
The acting and the Tyrion feels, you guys. It’s hard to be more eloquent than that. I hope he tears them all down.
Sweeney: THERE WERE TOO MANY FEELS. I have nothing eloquent to say about this, except that I feel like we need to insert a slew of exclamation points to mark just how intense this scene was. Brilliantly written and acted. All the feels.
Basically: !!!!!!!!!!
Lor: Sansa and Shae sit on a dock watching ships. Sansa is playing a game where she fancifully guesses where ships are going. Littlefinger approaches and would like to speak with Sansa alone. Shae goes to stand near Julia Roberts Ros. Littlefinger tells Sansa that he saw her mother not too long ago. “She’s very eager to see you… and your sister.” Sansa asks if Arya’s alive, and Littlefinger says nothing but smiles.This is interesting because it can be interpreted one of three ways, as far as I can see. (1) He meant Lady Cat was eager to see Sansa AND Arya, Sansa understood it the wrong way and he didn’t correct her. (2) He did in fact recognize Arya at Harrenhal but didn’t say anything about it. (3) He’s a lying liar who is currently lying about having seen Arya alive. Guesses?
Sweeney: I had assumed it was both #1 and #3. I didn’t even consider #2 a possibility. BRAINSPLOSION, because that sounds perfectly legit.
Lor: Sansa is visibly moved by the idea of her sister being alive and says she wants to go home. Littlefinger impresses on her how dangerous it would be. She promises her secrecy and he tells her he might be able to take her but she must be ready to leave quickly.
Behind them, Ros notes that Shae is Sansa’s handmaiden and clarifies that she (Ros) helps manage Littlefinger’s affairs.
Shae: He’s an important person.
Ros: So is she. I grew up in the shadow of her father’s castle. The day she was born they rang the bells from sunrise to sunset.
NED. WINTERFELL. SANSA. ALL OF MY FEELS.
Sweeney: !!!!!!!!!!
Lor: Ros picks up on the fact that Shae was once a whore, and says they both have done well for themselves. Ros says to watch out for Sansa, but specifically to watch out for Sansa with Littlefinger.
From Sansa to the sea and the cry of dragons as they fly about the ship, hunting. You guys remember on Growing Pains, how Chrissy Seaver was born and then magically overnight she was a full grown child? The Dragons have Chrissy Seavered! They are practically tween dragons now. Daenerys looks absolutely stunning in a deep blue dress and a horn necklace I promise you I would buy and wear. This entire scene is again absolutely stunning and if nothing else, this has to be the best-looking show on TV.
Davos is being dropped off at Dragonstone which looks only slightly less miserable than Harrenhal. He’s brought in to see Stannis, who very coldly receives him with an “I heard you were dead.” Davos wants to speak to him alone, because Creepy Red Lady is in the room, but there is no getting rid of her. Davos, gives his speech about how crazy it is to burn people alive for the god they worship, and says if that’s the way they were playing the game, he would’ve burned Creepy Red long ago. Davos, my friend. You saw this woman birth a Dementor. WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Sweeney: RIGHT? I mean, snaps for honor, but this is the kind of honor that costs men their heads. RIP NED STARK.
Lor: Creepy Red points out that she wasn’t at Blackwater Bay, which is a shame because they would’ve won with her help, and he was the one who convinced Stannis to leave her. Red taunts him a little about watching all those men burn, including his son. Riled up at the mention, Davos draws a knife, but he is apprehended by guards. Stannis orders him taken away and put in a cell.
King’s Landing and the King’s litter. We see Joffrey in a box. The Internet made this and CatherineJane91 tweeted it to us:
YEP.
Sweeney: The internet is so magical.
Lor: Behind Joffrey is Lady Margaery who stops her sedan and wanders out. Joffrey freaks out and looks on, completely baffled. Margaey’s handmaiden tries to get her to stop, but she’s got this. She enters an orphanage and talks with the children.
Sweeney: She’s good, this one. Joffrey & co. could take lessons.
Lor: Later that night at the King’s dinner table, Margaery and Loras receive Cersei and Joffrey as they enter. Joffrey tries to joke and it’s very uncomfortable and he should stop it immediately. Joffrey compliments Margaery’s gown, and Cersei totally hates on it because it is revealing. Margaery explains the it’s a bit warmer at Highgarden, but thankfully Tyrells are warm blooded. She compliments Cersei’s slightly armored gown and Cersei says that a bit of armor is useful, especially if she’s going to be stopping by orphanages and stuff. Loras comments that she did lots of work with the poor at home. Margaery gives a speech about approaching the poor with an open heart, and Cersei warns her again. They were attacked in that part of the city and Joffrey barely escaped with his life. Unfortunately, she doesn’t mention the AWESOME part where he got shit on his face.
Sweeney: BUT WE’LL NEVER STOP MENTIONING IT BECAUSE IT WAS AMAZING.
Lor: Joffrey says his mother is exaggerating, and it’s a thing she does as she gets older. Cersei says of course that it wasn’t that bad, but then again, “we can’t all have a King’s bravery.” And it’s hilarious because he’s a spineless douchebag.
Sweeney: Also excellent is that right before that she says that he is like his father and there is an awkward silence. #awkwardincestsilence
Lor: Margaery points out that King’s Landing is now receiving help and food from House Tyrell, and it puts the Lannisters in an interesting position, doesn’t it? Joffrey says he’s sure Margaery knows what she’s doing and Cersei says she’s sure of that too.
Indeed. Margaery is proving an excellent political wife and fantastic PR person. She would most definitely have a brilliantly managed Twitter account and the most followers of all. She certainly is no “yes, your Grace” Sansa, who played the game a little differently and at a big power disadvantage. They’ve let someone into their inner circle who will not be easily trampled.
Sweeney: Can you imagine how Ace she’d be if her PR genius weren’t hampered by the limited communications of the day? She’s good at this game. Sansa never really had the opportunity to play this way, so it’s hard to compare, but Margaery is definitely good at this game.
Lor: Daenerys arrives at at Astapor and seriously. Cannot say enough about how gorgeous this show is. Dany and Jorah are being led through the city with a man speaking in an unknown language and a pretty translator. This bit is difficult to recap as the entertainment is mostly in the translation back and forth.
The Unsullied, we are told, can go long periods of time without eating and are generally bad ass. Foreign Army Seller is not impressed with Daenerys and makes disparaging remarks about her. The Unsullied train rigorously and only 1 in 4 boys survive. They fear nothing. Jorah points out that all men fear death and Army Seller says that he smells like piss. The Pretty Translator wonders if she should really say that, but the Army Seller barks at her that of course not. His real answer is that the Unsullied are not men.
As a means of demonstration, Army Seller calls forward a soldier and undoes his covering. Dany tries to insist that a demonstration isn’t needed, but the Army Seller says that she wouldn’t be worried about nipples if she knew they cut off all the soldiers balls. Army Seller cuts off this man’s nipple and he doesn’t flinch. WHY DID THAT HAPPEN?
Sweeney: THIS WAS ABSOLUTELY AN UNNECESSARY USE OF THE BLOOD BUDGET, HBO.
Lor: Army Seller goes on that to earn their shield, the soldier must go into the slave market and kill an infant in front of its mother to prove he has no weakness left in him. Dany repeats this and wonders at them paying a silver coin to a mother who has just lost their baby. Army Seller calls her weak, and says the silver coin goes to the baby’s owner and not the mother. Dany has until tomorrow to decide if she wants the 8,000 Unsullied.
Over at the dock, Dany wonders what owning a slave army will make her. Jorah is clearly in favor of buying them. Dany spots a small girl who seems to be playing with her. We also see that a hooded man is following Dany and Jorah. The child rolls a round wooden ball toward Dany and motions for her to open it. Dany starts to, but the Hooded Man pushes her down, knocking it out of her hands. The ball opens anyways and a freaky-ass, scorpion/beetle thing climbs out and starts toward Dany. The Hooded Man kills it. The little girl opens her evil mouth and it’s all blue inside… LIKE FUN DIP. She takes off and jumps down into the water.
Sweeney: Because Baby Fun Dip creeped me the fuck out, I also needed to make this. Enjoy.
Lor: The Hooded Man says it was his honor to save the Queen’s life and reveals himself to be Barristan Selmy, the knight that Joffrey dismissed as Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. Probably a mistake.
Jorah recognizes Barristan and proclaims him one of the greatest fighters who ever lived. Selmy tells them that King Robert is dead and he has come to apologize for failing to protect the Targaryens. He kneels and asks to join her Queen’s guard, and vows to not fail her. Jorah doesn’t like the sound of that at all.
That is how we start season three.
Now, I’d like to say thank you to everyone who used the #gameofsnark hashtag while watching! I may or not have been refreshing that page regularly since the premiere and SQUEEING at new Tweets. Check out our favorite tweets below and it isn’t too late! Keep using #gameofsnark for all your Game of Thrones thoughts, and we’ll keep featuring ’em.
Next time on Game of Thrones: Arya meets the Brotherhood and Sansa meets the Queen of Thorns in So3 E02 – Dark Wings, Dark Words.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
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