Previously: DRACARYS.
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Kissed by Fire
Lorraine: I think the credits like me better than Sweeney. I get a new place today! Off we go to King’s Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfell on Fire, The Wall, and Yunkai!
Sweeney: OH. COOL. -_-
Lor: We start at the Brotherhood Without Banners and they are praying to the Lord of Light, to give them wisdom and to let The Hound die if he’s guilty, “for the night is dark and full of terrors.” I feel really bad stereotyping an entire group of fictional characters based solely on their religion, but maybe now that they’ve all chanted “the night is dark” thing, I can stereotype them based on their motto? No? I’M SORRY. They are just creeping me out now.
Sweeney: Those are like creeper magic words! How to get “I think you’re a total creep” judgey eyes from a snark lady in under ten seconds! Other popular methods: being a pedobear, being a sibling fucker, being a creepy child, or birthing dementor babies.
Lor: Absolutely. There is nothing to add, really, but I can emphasize that if you are sleeping with your sibling or birthing dementors, we will give you judgey eyes.
Arya watches on as Beric Dondarrion, or One Eye as Sweeney called him last post, slices up his hand. He still has a patch over one eye, just in case you were wondering. He holds the sword up against his bleeding wound, kneeling before a fire, and the sword ignites. The Hound does some hilarious looking around. It’s like when something crazy just happened near you and you are trying to catch your friends eye so you can give them the, “GIRL. DID YOU JUST FUCKING SEE THAT?” eye. That’s what The Hound is doing, and yes boy. I SAW THAT.
The Hound braces himself and starts fighting Beric, who is apparently going to duel with his sword on fire, which, WTF? There have got to be rules against this ’cause if not, why don’t I just throw some fire at your face and call it a day? Wait. I’m about to answer my own question. Why not call it a day? BECAUSE THIS SCENE LOOKS FREAKIN’ AWESOME, THAT’S WHY. I mean, I’m not really following much, but there is like a metal clanging and, um, it’s kind of like fire dancing, but meaner.
In the name of full disclosure, I’ll tell you all that I paused the episode to run over to Twitter for #gameofsnark and call Beric a fiery cheater and resumed watching. Tom replied during this time and said that the book actually details why this is a disadvantage. I was just up to the point where the fiery sword lit The Hound’s shield on fire, so I was all NUH-UH! FIRE BAD. (S: TREE PRETTY!) But as they keep fighting, it gets to the point where The Hound straight cuts through Beric’s sword and also, his shoulder and the trunk of his body. Beric falls down, dead.
I checked back on Twitter and Tom had pointed out that fire weakens metal, so like yeah. Legit. After all that was when I truly, truly realized the significance of all this, and how much The Hound hates fire. I mean, no one wants to get chased around with fire, but this is his Childhood Trauma in the worst way. Apart from all the Lord of Light freakiness, this played up on that, big time.
Sweeney: We’ll add the “beware: actual trauma ahead” tag just for you, Hound.
Lor: One of the Brotherhood Bros runs over to Beric’s body and starts rapidly firing off a prayer to the Lord of Light. Arya freaks out, grabs a knife from someone nearby and runs over to The Hound. She’s held back by Gendry. The Hound says, “looks like their god likes me more than your butcher’s boy.” HOUND, STOP IT. I was just feeling a little bad for him, because of the fire, but why he’s gotta go there? Arya yells for him to burn in hell. From offscreen we hear, “he will” as the Rolling Drums of Resurrection roll and we pan to see Beric a lot less dead than he was a second ago. “But not today,” he finishes.
Now I feel like I’m trying to catch someone’s eye and ask them if they just saw what went down. Internet:
Sweeney: RIGHT? These Lord Of Light fanboys and girls are ridic. Birthing dementors and reviving armless dudes. This is why you’re so creepy! YOU ARE THE TERRORS IN THE DARK NIGHT.
Lor: A+
From fire to ice and North of the Wall. Jon Pretty Pretty Snow is carrying some fire wood, with Ygritte behind him, when he is stopped by Ginger NotMance. Sorry, I always remember that nickname first and then I have to go look up his real name: Tormund. It seems the Wildling Warg has seen Night’s Watchmen patrolling on the wall, and Tormund wants to know what Jon knows about that. (S: Pretty sure that once you’ve clarified the names for people, you should just resume nicknames, because Ginger NotMance > Tormund.) (DONE.) He replies that the patrols on the Wall vary, and that if he knew where they were attacking, exactly, he could give them more info. The WW is all, “LOL. NOT TELLING.” There are 19 castles guarding the wall, and the WW wants to know how many of them are manned. Three, Jon answers: Castle Black, East Watch by the Sea and the Shadow Tower. They next want to know how many men remain at Castle Black and Jon says one thousand. The Wildling Warg calls him a liar, so Jon throws down his firewood which I’m pretty sure is the GoT equivalent of “hold my earrings.” Jon threatens to kill the WW’s eagle while he’s hitchhiking inside of it. Ygritte also hops into the fight, saying that Jon isn’t a crow anymore. She even pulls out a knife before Ginger NotMance breaks up the fight.
After all that, Jon is being pissy with Ygritte about how he doesn’t need to be protected. Stop it, Jon Snow. I get enough of this shit from Riley on Buffy. Ygritte is all, “PFFT.” and… steals Jon’s sword and runs away? I’m not sure. I think this might be the GoT equivalent of foreplay. It works, too, because Jon follows after into a cave with a full on spa waterfall and hot tub. Something like that. Ygritte thinks that Jon should prove that he isn’t a Night’s Watchmen anymore by breaking his no-lady-loving vow. This bitch is smart. (S: A+ FOR YGRITTE) She strips naked in front of him. Jon hesitates for approximately one blink and heavy breath before he gets to kissing down her body. She starts to say Jon doesn’t know anything, but can’t finish the sentence on account of him apparently knowing a little somethin’ somethin’.
We cut away from the sexy times and join them post-coital. Ygritte wonders if that thing Jon did with his mouth is what lords do to their ladies in the south. Jon says he doesn’t really know, seeing as how this was his first time. They jump in the cave hot tub for a bath, which I’m thinking sould’ve happened before the oral sex, but whatevs. Ygritte never wants to leave the cave, and seeing as how it’s heated (seriously, is it not cold at all in the cave?) and has a naked Jon Snow, I can’t argue with her logic.
Jaime and Brienne have arrived at Harrenhal and are brought before Lord Bolton. He removes the hand from around Jaime’s neck and is rather gruff with the captor who has been evil to Jaime. He also orders Brienne’s freed from her binds and wants them taken to rooms. It immediately endears me to Bolton and I don’t know if I should be feeling this way. Game of Thrones: Making You Question Every Single One of Your Feelings.
Bolton starts to walk away, but Jaime calls him back and asks for news from the capital. Bolton, a little slowly for the sake of proper suspense, tells Jaime of Stannis Baratheon’s attempted siege, and the Lannister victory. Cersei is alive and well. Jaime falls down at the news, weak or relieved or both. He is carried in to see a healer and there is a lot of bloody arm stump in this scene but I can’t look away because I’m the one recapping. EW. (S: I WAS SO GLAD, and also very sorry for you.) Apparently some rot has set in and the healer suggests cutting off the whole arm. Jaime notes that this man is not a Maester, and Non-Maester reveals it’s because the citadel stripped him of his chains thanks to his “bold” experiments. Jaime’s all, “OH HELL NO,” and chokes the guy a little with his good arm. Non-Maester agrees to remove as much corrupted skin as possible and them burn out the infection. He offers Jaime some milk of the poppy for the pain, but for some reason Jaime refuses it. Non-Maester clarifies that there will be a lot of pain.
King’s Landing. Cersei comes across Littlefinger in one of the courtyards and asks him for a favor. She wants him to poke around the Tyrells, seeing as he has a working relationship with them. Sucks to be Littlefinger.
Grandma Flowerboss and Tyrion are sitting together for some GoT equivalent of tea, so probably wine.
Olenna: I was told you were drunk, impertinent and thoroughly debauched. You can imagine my disappointment in finding nothing but a browbeaten book-keeper.
Tyrion starts to speak again, but Olenna seems to be having no more fun. She interrupts him and says House Tyrell will pay for half the wedding. She leaves us all to stand in awe of her snarky magnificence.
Sweeney: She is the actual Snark Queen. If I didn’t love our little snarky face so much, I’d vote we adopt her as our new mascot.
Lor: Arya asks Gendry what he’s doing and apparently he’s mending Beric’s armor. He’s decided to stay on as smith for the Brotherhood and HELL NO. The Lord of Light may NOT have Gendry. Arya agrees with me and tells Gendry not to stay. She tells him to come with her to serve Robb, but Gendry doesn’t want to serve anyone. Even though Beric is in charge, the Brotherhood selected him. The men are like brothers and he’s never had a family. Arya is visibly hurt and tearfully offers that she can be his family. Gendry says that she wouldn’t be his family; she would be his lady. Poor Arya. The last thing she wants is to be a lady, and yet it costs her again, and it costs her the last member of her family. She has no one left.
At Robb’s camp, the two captured Lesser Lannister boys rest in their cell. Lesser Lannister 1 tries to wake Willem Lannister, as he hears sounds of a struggle outside. A crazy, white haired guy we’ve seen before named Karstark busts into the cell, grabs Willem and stabs the other Lannister boy.
Robb stands before the bodies of the two dead boys. It’s an eerie scene. Robb has Karstark and his band of child murders brought in. Karstark claims it wasn’t murder, only vengeance. Robb says these two boys didn’t kill Karstark’s sons. It doesn’t matter to Karstark. This is war, and during war, you kill your enemies, you don’t let them go. He claims Lady Catelyn has a hand in this all as much as he does, as she was the one who let Jaime Lannister go. Karstark continues to seal his own fate as he calls Robb “the king who lost the North.” I think this is the GoT equivalent of a “yo momma” joke. Your king is sooooo stupid, he lost the North!
Robb orders Karstark taken to the dungeons and all the rest of his band of child murderers hanged. One man protests that he didn’t kill anyone! He only kept watch for the guards. Robb orders him hanged last, so he can watch everyone else die first. GIF WHIPLASH:
Edmure advises Robb to keep what has happened quiet. “The Lannisters pay their debts. They never stop talking about it.” Robb says he can’t fight for justice if he doesn’t serve justice amongst his own ranks. He wants Karstark to die. At this Lady Cat speaks up. The Karstarks are Northmen and they will not forgive the killing of their own. Lady Talisa agrees. She points out that more little boys will die until the war is over, and Robb needs the Karstarks to end it. And of course, Robb will not heed any of this perfectly reasonable advice. I AM SO MAD AT HIM.
Sweeney: THIS HAS BEEN HIS THING FOR TOO FUCKING LONG. ROBB-IGNORING-ALL-REASONABLE-ADVICE-STARK. STOP IT. Just thinking about it gives me Ned feels all over again.
Lor: Out in the rain, Karstark is being led out to his death. He tells Robb that they are kin- Stark and Karstark, both from the blood of the first men. Robb says this will not save him, but he doesn’t want to be saved. He wants Robb to haunted by his words, and really, I think that’s why we’re here. The insult to his kingship sealed the deal. Those words are already haunting Robb.
Sweeney: He’s clearly following his father’s footsteps to the grave and it hurts to watch. I’m still holding Talisa principally accountable for it because I just don’t like her. That’s a valid reason, right?
Lor: Duh.
Fire takes us from Robb’s camp to the Brotherhood Cave. Arya is reciting her Kill List. She asks Thoros what they will do with her and he reveals their plan to return her to Robb at Riverrun for some gold. Beric joins them and says he knows that Arya is mad at him, but letting The Hound go was the right thing to do. Beric and Thoros then tag team the tales of how Thoros has brought Beric back from the dead 6 times. Beric shows the scars to match each of the stories and says that every time he comes back he’s “a bit less.” Arya wonders, again with tears in her eyes, if Thoros could bring back a man without a head.
We again use fire to transition scenes, this time to a woman standing near a fire, praying to the Lord of Light. A door opens behind her, and it is Stannis. She’s been praying for him to come to her, so this must be his wife, Selyse. Stannis starts offering up his excuses, but she tells him she knows everything- Creepy Red Lady has been keeping her informed. Stannis starts to confess his infidelity also, but Selyse is like, “no. Dude. I told you that the Creepy Red Lady has told me everything.” She apparently is totally okay with her husband shacking up with Creepy Ladies with magical vaginas. I don’t really know. I’m being distracted by the fact that there are DEAD FETUSES BEING PRESERVED IN JARS IN HER ROOM RIGHT NOW.
Sweeney: I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY THAT WAS HAPPENING AND I DON’T WANT TO. NO FUCKING EXPLANATIONS, TRAUMATEERS, BECAUSE ANYTHING YOU SAY WILL ONLY HAUNT ME MORE. I’m adding “fetuses in jars” to the list of off-limits topics. Thanks for that, show!
Lor: I’m betting there is some kind of Crazy Moms of Westeros Club. Lady Arryn is all, “I still breastfeed my 20 year old son!” and Lady Baratheon comes in with her three fetuses in a jar. Meeting adjourned.
Things get even weirder as Selyse crazies that she gave Stannis no children and then is all, “OH! HER? RIGHT.” Stannis says he wants to see “her,” and heads up a dark flight of stairs. Stannis enters a room where a little girl sings. He calls out to her, Shireen, and she runs and greets him enthusiastically. We also see that the skin on half her face is darkened. Shireen asks after Davos and wonders why he hasn’t come to visit her. Oh, you know, because your father’s Dementor birthing mistress had him thrown into the dungeons. Stannis actually says the “rotting in a dungeon” part, which is kind of a mood killer for his five minute visit with his daughter, so he takes off. Safe to say Stannis is in no danger of earning Sandy Cohen Eyebrows.
Brienne is scrubbing herself in a bath when Jaime enters. He has a man help him undress and we see a some Jaime butt as he walks over to Brienne’s tub, though she protests. He lowers himself in the tub and tells her not to worry, as he isn’t interested in her. He asks that she pull him out, though, if he faints, as he doesn’t want to be the first Lannister to die in a tub. Brienne wonders why she should care how he dies, and he reminds her of her vow to get him to King’s Landing in one piece, which isn’t working out so well. “No wonder Renly died with you guarding him.” Annoyed enough to forget her embarrassment, Brienne stands menacingly. Jaime regards her and it is such great acting in a look. It isn’t lecherous, simply regarding, with a touch of seeing what she’s working with. He quickly apologizes for his comment and calls for a truce. She says you need trust for a truce, and he simply offers, “I trust you.” Brienne sits.
Jaime starts telling the story of how he killed the Mad King. Aerys was obssessed with wildfire, and used it as a wide spread punishment. When half the kingdom had risen against him, Aerys began to hide stores of wildfire, swearing to “burn them all” if Robert Baratheon ever took the city. Tywin Lannister arrived at King’s Landing first. Jaime warned Aerys to surrender peacefully, while Varys told him not to trust Tywin. It was Grand Maester Pycell who convinced Aerys the Lannisters could be trusted, so he opened the gates to the city, and Tywin sacked it. Furious, Aerys asked Jaime to bring back his own father’s head, and called for the pyromancers to burn the city down. Forced with the decision of the death of his family and an entire city, or the death of the King he swore an oath to, Jaime stabbed Aerys. Brienne wonders why he never told people this story, if it was true. Ned Stark was the first person to see Jaime after he killed Aerys, and he instantly judged him. What good would Jaime’s story be then? “By what right does the wolf judge the lion?” Exhausted from either the confession, the pain or both, Jaime faints into Brienne’s arms. She calls out to the guards to come help “the Kingslayer,” but he whispers to her, “Jaime. My name is Jaime.”
Sweeney: +1 to all that. He’s a complicated character. I still have really mixed feelings about him — similar to my feelings about Cersei. In both of their cases that is partly the brilliant writing, but even more so the result of brilliant acting.
Lor: Shireen goes down to the dungeons to visit Davos, her Onion Knight. He tells her she shouldn’t be there, but she thinks he must get bored all day down in the dungeons. In this light, you can better see that half her face is gray and scaley. She’s brought Davos a book about the Targaryens who built the castle at Dragonstone. Davos thanks her, but the book is wasted on him as he cannot read. Shireen is quickly becoming my new favorite ever as she sweetly offers to teach him how, though he’s worried that she will be caught. “What are they going to do? Lock us up in cells?” Davos laughs and relents, as Shireen’s voice, telling us of Aegon the Conqueror takes us across the sea to the army of the Unsullied.
Ser Jorah and Ser Barristan are bro-chatting about war and battles and pissing on oneself. We continue our episode theme of vows, and the people or things you serve as Barristan says he’s spent his life away serving bad kings, and for once, he would like to serve with pride. Barristan asks Jorah if he believes in Daenerys, and he turns toward where she is and says, “with all my heart.” The friend zone is the worst.
A small group of Unsullied approach Dany and the Pretty Translator. Dany addresses them in Valyrian, and asks if they have selected a leader. The group parts to reveal a man, who actually appears to be somewhat smaller than all the rest of them. Dany asks him to remove his helmet and then asks for his name. He says, “Grey Worm.” Pretty Translator explains that the Unsullied are renamed when they are cut, names that will remind them of their place. Dany tells them all to choose their own names from this day forward, but Grey Worm says he likes Grey Worm. The name he had before is the name of a slave, but Grey Worm is the name he bore when Daenerys set him free. I’m not sure what Emilia’s acting choice/direction is here, because she swallows and looks lost for a bit. I would’ve expected more of a fist pound and an ALRIGHT FREEDOM! Her looks says more, “shit. Did I leave the coffee pot on this morning?”
Sweeney: One of my on-going struggles with this show has been accepting that trying to judge Dany by Emilia is an insult to the former. To her credit, she really has gotten a lot better as the show has gone on. Coffee pot? face finally being more the exception than the rule in recent episodes.
Lor: Agreed. This is the first jarring moment I’ve noticed courtesy of Coffee pot? face.
Jorah and Barristan have another conversation which boils down to Barristan thinking it won’t look good for Dany to have Jorah by her side. Jorah basically says “fuck you, newbie. I listen to Dany,” and rides off.
Robb considers his maps and battle figurines as he tells Talisa that she was right, and the Karstarks are gone. DUH, ROBB. YOU IDIOT. After some thinking, it dawns on Robb that while he can’t take King’s Landing, and he can’t force them to meet him in the fields, he can take Casterly Rock. He can take the Lannister’s home. He needs men, though, and they only men who haven’t sided are the Frey’s. ‘Member how Robb was supposed to marry Walder Frey’s daughter? REMEMBER HOW YOU MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE, ROBB? Sorry. He just really makes me angry now.
Sansa and Margaery sit and watch as Loras spars. Sansa asks when she might expect to be married and Margaery says she’ll plant the seed after her own wedding. Sansa fears Joffrey has too many reasons to keep her in King’s Landing, but Margaery appears confident that Joffrey will let Sansa go to please her. A squire approaches Loras and starts flirting. We next cut to them rolling around in bed, with Loras wondering how the Sexy Squire new about his sexual preferences. Loras says he’s to be married soon, and not even his intended is aware. The Sexy Squire non-answers and gets back to the sexing.
We cut to Littlefinger and the now fully dressed Sexy Squire. Well played, Littlefinger. Well played. Sexy Squire tells him about the plan to marry Loras and Sansa.
Sansa stands looking over the sea when Littlefinger approaches and metaphors about having a ship, now wanting more, and how what we want is always changing. Sansa looks down in shame, as he notes that Sansa is now wearing her hair in the style of Lady Margaery. Oh, Sansa. To thine own hair be true. She tells Littlefinger that while she wants to go home, maybe it would be best to wait, because of danger, and stuff. Sansa is not good at this, and way out of her league. Littlefinger assures her that he is a friend, and that if she wishes to stay in King’s Landing, so she shall. He is so unsettling.
Sweeney: He’s yet to actually do any of the things on the Ways To Creep Out A Snark Lady list, but he just gives off the vibe of someone who would do any/all of them. Is the night dark, Littlefinger? Is it full of pedobear terrors?
Lor: He certainly gives off the pedobear vibe in his scenes with Sansa. It’s even weirder since he grew up in love with her mother.
Tyrion joins his father and sister for a meeting. He leads with the news that he’s saved the crown hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico. They are not interested, however, as they have more pressing news; namely, that of the plan to marry Loras Tyrell and Sansa Stark. Tywin explains to Tyrion that the Karstarks have marched home and both Bran and Rickon are “dead,” leaving Sansa as the heir to Winterfell and the key to the north. Tyrion wonders if it’s smart to refuse the Tyrells this, but since it is merely a plot at this point, there is nothing to refuse. They must only find Sansa another husband. Tyrion curtly proclaims this plan wonderful, but nothing dawns on him until Cersei gleefully considers him, and agrees. He is that new husband. Tyrion thinks this is beyond cruel, but Tywin isn’t concerned with Sansa’s happiness. Tyrion will not mistreat her, he will marry her and impregnate her and that is all.
Cersei is having quite a bit of fun with this all, until Tywin announces that she will also play a part, and marry Loras Tyrell. He calls her still fertile, and Cersei protests. She is the Queen, not a mare. All this protest is in vain, however, for she is his daughter, and will do as he commands. She will marry and put an end to the incest rumors. Cersei begs for him not to make her “do it again,” but Tywin is done with the conversation. He leaves the room as he proclaims that his children have shamed him for far too long.
These episodes are really good at stringing together all the pieces of the different character stories with common themes. This episode, it seems everyone is playing too close to the fire, choosing which vows to uphold and who they will serve. Also, butts were prominent, so that’s a thing.
Over the end credits, a little girl sings a creepy lullaby. Again, thank you show!
Sweeney: Pretty well covered that list. Yay nightmares!
Here are some of the amazing #gameofsnark tweets for this week. Thanks for snarking with us!
Next time on Game of Thrones: Apparently, the Wildlings were pretty serious about climbing that giant ice wall. See how that goes for them in S03 E06 – The Climb.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
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