Game of Thrones S03 E04 – Many Varieties of Badass

Previously: I think a lot of stuff happened, but I forgot it all when THEY CHOPPED OFF JAIME’S HAND. And then played a weird song that only I seemed to enjoy.
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 And Now His Watch Is Ended

Sweeney: Shit got so real last time that I’m even willing to tell you all the stuff from the opening credits, even though I’m still not on good terms with them. King’s Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfell (STILL ON FUCKING FIRE), The Wall, Astapor. I pay attention and you gave me nothing new! You did inform me that Natalie Dormer, granddaughter FLOWERBOSS is in this episode, so I’m pumped. I’d also add that we no longer cross at The Narrow Sea, rather, The Shivering Sea. And Astapor is just off The Gulf of Grief. Those sound like the worst bodies of water ever.

Lorraine: See?? Even when the credits have nothing new to tell us, there is always something new to note, because seriously, who the hell would live just off the Gulf of Grief?

Sweeney: Property values must be super low there.

We begin with Jaime looking like he’s about to die, what with his hand recently being chopped off. The men make incest jokes, which I’d normally call fair, but I’m still all WTF HAND! He’s woozy and Brienne rightly points out that he’s about to fall off of his horse. Nobody helps him, so he does. He asks for water and is given horse piss, which he drinks before realizing. He manages to get his hands on a sword and tries to fight, but it goes about as well as you’d expect, since he’s down one hand and lost so much blood he can’t even ride a horse. Brienne makes an attempt to jump off the horse and help him, but she’s not exactly at her most able right now either. The scene ends with Jaime defeated and a threat that he’ll lose the other hand if he tries that again.

Lor: This show is just so good at making the most unsympathetic sympathetic again. Because riding around sniffing your own rotting flesh? Mud all up in your open wound? Drinking a canteen full of horse piss because your captor is so mean he carries around horse piss? Poor Jaime.

Sweeney: In King’s Landing, Tyrion goes to Varys to chat about that most recent time that Cersei tried to kill him. I don’t think we’ve been told of other times she tried to murder him, but it seems plausible that Blackwater wasn’t the first. Anywho, Tyrion thinks Varys might know some birdies with proof. Unfortunately, birdies really just whisper.

Lack of proof complicates the revenge options, but Tyrion obviously wants it. Apparently people hold grudges when you attempt to murder them. Varys goes into the gruesome story of how he lost his man parts. Aside from leaving him a eunuch, it also left him with a serious loathing for magic. Tyrion’s all “COOL STORY, BRO. REVENGE NOW.” Varys goes on, adding that after his mutilation, he became a professional thief of secrets. This is all set-up to reveal that this big box he’s been opening the whole scene contains a man who is bound and gagged. It’s the sorcerer who was responsible for mutilating him. This was all mega random. Varys tells Tyrion that revenge can be his if he has the stomach for it, and replaces the lid on the sorcerer.

Lor: Random in a “Oh, good thing you happen to be here while I was unwrapping my decades long revenge plot!” But it did give a lot more BAMF points to Varys. He will hunt you down for years and kill you.

Sweeney: Agreed. This scene was great because it demonstrates the special variety of badass that Varys embodies.

North of The Wall, the not-dead men of the watch are shoveling shit at Papa Incest’s place. I don’t really care about any of the men that are not Jon Snow, and I really don’t care about shoveling shit. The douche who tormented Sam before is all, “Fuck this, we gotta go,” but the other guys are all, “Nope, orders!”

Inside Cassie from Skins Gilly is trying to put her baby to sleep and Sam comes in and wakes him up. Gilly wants him to GTFO and stop asking dumb fucking questions like, “Are you going to name him?” She gives him back his thimble and tells him the only thing she gives any shits about is her baby not being offered up as White Walker dinner.

Bran is having another one of those awesome dreams about walking, in which Jojen appears to tell him that he has to chase after the raven, up into a tree, Katniss Everdeen style. Just as Bran is about to get the raven, Cat appears to make Bran promise no more climbing. I like that Bran’s dreams are reuniting the family, though it bums me out that this seems like the only reunion they’re getting any time soon / EVER. Cat gets SRSBSNS with her no-more-climbing demands, and Bran falls and wakes up. It’s nighttime and Jojen is staring at him across the fire creepily.

Lor: Again: RANDOM. I mean, I’m a big fan of Bran and of his dreams, but this scene seemed to serve as a Bran-is-still-alive-and-having-freaky-dreams update. Thanks show!

Sweeney: This whole episode covers a lot of ground, but in doing so, I think there’s some missing set-up or something. Not that I dislike any of these scenes or basically anything about this epic episode, but there is a lot of, “HUH. RANDOM.”

Ros and Varys are chatting about how awesome Rodrick was with the prostitutes. I love this hilarious little sidebar. They get to business: Littlefinger didn’t mind the lost income because he’s so focused on his impending departure. Varys is confused by how quickly he forgot about Sansa, but Ros is all, “Not so fast!” She has a list of all the crap he’s bringing on the ship, and there are TWO feather beds, which is odd because Littlefinger doesn’t really care about anybody, so it’s got to be somebody super important to get a shmancey bed.

Inside the castle, Joffrey is creepily and eagerly telling Margaery about Targaryen deaths. This is a fun sidebar to Grandma FLOWERBOSS and Cersei chatting about the wedding ceremonies. Cersei makes a face when Joffrey mentions the Mad King being killed by Joffrey’s uncle. AWKWARD INCEST MOMENTS. Cersei tries to free Margaery from the dead Targaryen tour, but she’s smarter than that and runs off excitedly with Joffrey.

Grandma Flowerboss starts chatting with Cersei about her husband’s tragic death and Cersei’s all #meh. (HASHTAG MEH become one of our new favorite phrases last weekend and I’m not even a little sorry that I’m going to annoy the shit out of everyone with it.) (L: For some reason “hashtag meh” is so much better than #meh.) Grandma Flowerboss seizes another opportunity to call her son a fool, adding that mothers do their best to keep their sons from the grave, “though they do seem to yearn for it.” Cersei sadpandas at this, as it strikes a nerve. She adds that in spite of this bullshit, the world belongs to these foolish men. Flowerboss thinks that’s ridic. Cersei collects herself, and adds that the gods have deemed this arrangement so.

I keep loving all the combinations of characters so my flailing is becoming meaningless, but I love that we just had two of the most badass women in Westeros chatting about weddings and sons BUT REALLY THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT WORLD DOMINATION. I’ll accept no disputes for my headcanon.

Lor: No, they totally were. I also think that G-ma Flowerboss was doing her best to distract Cersei from Margaery Manipulation over there, pretending to be totally into dead Targaryens.

Sweeney: And it worked too! I think that Cersei’s lost hold on Joffrey has left her overall off her game. She’s starting to fall apart.

Joffrey is being predictably creepy. Margaery smartly adds that she’s glad the Targaryen bodies were kept, because they built all of that. “Sometimes severity is the price we pay for greatness.” She has Joffrey pegged so. fucking. well. They hear people outside screaming and Margaery convinces him to step outside and wave, lying that the people adore him. Cersei tries to stop him, but out they go and people are excited: they’re calling out Margaery’s name because they adore her. It’s a fucking brilliant power play, although Joffrey’s too arrogant and stupid to realize that none of that love is for him. Cersei got it, though, and her face says it all.

In the woods, the Rescuing Bastard and Theon are chatting. Rescuing Bastard talks about how, aside from Yara’s request, hearing about Theon as a child is the reason RB risked his life to save him. Theon says that the men who tortured him claim his father knew about the torture, and RB gets real quiet before saying he’s not sure if that’s true. They sneak into a castle, where they supposedly have mixed loyalties between Yara and Papa Greyjoy. Theon then gives a stupid speech about how he could never be a Stark because Robb made the insulting choice to, um, exist.

Theon then confesses to RB that he didn’t actually kill the Stark kids. He confesses the orphans he killed, and also adds that his real father died at King’s Landing. “I made a choice, and I chose wrong.” Way fucking wrong: Rescuing Bastard leads him into another room and it turns out to be the aforementioned torture room. Rescuing Bastard tells some men that Theon killed people and RB has returned him. Theon is tied back up. DAFUQ?

Lor: Okay, so, I knew this wouldn’t end well, just apart from it not ending well because this is MF Game of Thrones. I got so excited over Iwan that I looked him up and saw that is character is Ramsay Bolton. NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF CALLING YOUR SON “THE BASTARD OF THE DREADFORT.” Of course that guy is going to be dreadful, just like the idiots next to the Gulf of Grief are probably sad. I’m not sure what the Dreadful Bastard was doing, because he kind of seems like the type of guy that just likes torturing people, but if this was an information plot it was well played. Theon spilled his guts.

That said, I felt bad for Theon and his mad lack of identity. For like a hot second. Mostly because #NEDFEELS4EVA.

Sweeney: Right. They made a big point of calling the guy bastard and having him be all WINTER IS COMING last episode, so it was pretty clear that he was said bastard, but THIS was not where I was expecting that to go. I have an ounce of Theon feels, but mostly I just don’t want to watch anymore torture scenes.

Later that night, elsewhere, Brienne is trying to make Jaime eat, because he’s trying to commit suicide by starvation. He’s not interested in revenge. Brienne’s all, “You have one real misfortune, and you fucking give up?” Way harsh, Tai. Brienne’s speech works, though. Once he’s eating, she adds that she knows what he did for her; he knows that her and wants to know why.

In King’s Landing, Cersei is waiting for Tywin to stop writing so she can figure out when her brotherlover is coming home. Tywin’s all, “I’m on it. Duh. Now go.” Except she doesn’t go. She goes off on one of her most feministy rants yet, adding that she was probably most deserving of his confidence, as the one working hardest to protect his big legacy. Tywin’s willing to bite, and asks her to go ahead and “contribute.” She says the Tyrells, in spite of their war help, are now a problem, since Margaery is so effective at manipulating Joffrey. Tywin’s not having that, though: he says he doesn’t mistrust her because of her vagina, but because of her failure to lock Joffrey’s shit up. Cersei’s all, “WELL YOU TRY IT.” “Psh. Sure,” says Tywin.

Lor: Tywin has a way of making all his grown-ass-adult children seem like petulant children. This wasn’t nearly as bad as Tywin/Tyrion, but for a guy so big on family, he’s not really good at family. Though, he has a point about Joffrey. Then again, we all know Cersei is right about the Tyrells.

Sweeney: Grandma Flowerboss mocks her granddaughter’s flower stitching and her family’s house words. She thinks the Starks and Greyjoys know what’s up, because flowers scare nobody. Flowerboss is just too fucking cool for her own house.

Flowerboss sends the kiddos off when Varys arrives. Varys tries to make with the pleasantries, but she wants him to cut to the chase. He wants to know if she’s interested in Sansa and Flowerboss takes her first misstep in my eyes when she (OK, hilariously) insults Sansa. IT’S NOT HER FAULT SHE CAN’T BE ALL INTERESTING LIKE MARGAERY. STFU.

Lor: Her singsonging, “a spider in the garden,” is one of my favorite moments of a very packed and exciting episode. That shows you how awesome grandma is.

Sweeney: Anyway, they talk a walk through the garden to chat about Lady Direboss. Varys says that he admired Papa Stark (RIP!) and though he couldn’t help him, he might be able to help Sansa. He mentions Littlefinger’s interest in Sansa, possibly as a bride, adding that he is a dangerous motherfucker. Flowerboss giggles that Varys must really hate Littlefinger, but Varys says that’s not even the problem. The real issue: “He would see this entire country burn if he could be king of the ashes.” This wins him some prized Flowerboss respect. The obvious solution to this, is that Sansa’s gotta get herself married off ASAP.

Margaery goes to Sansa, and drops the douche!king’s name to get the guards to go away. Margaery gets Sansa to warm to her with chat about nefarious childhood prayers, involving cursing a kid with a ridiculously made up sounding name. Sansa buys it, as she is tragically gullible. The joke lightens the mood, though. Time for SRSBSNS: Margaery wants them to be good friends, which Sansa would like, what with her lack of friends. Margaery suggests Sansa go visit Highgarden, but Sansa’s all, “LOL, like Cersei would allow that.” Margaery’s response is basically: “Oh, you mean the queen REGENT? Ha! I’ll be queen in a hot second and that bitch won’t be shit. Plus, if you marry my brother, we’ll be sisters!” Sansa looks so happy she might cry. I AM ABOUT TO CRY TEARS OF JOY. Which makes this all seem too good to be true.

Lor: Especially for Loras who is sitting somewhere going YOU BITCHES. I LIKE BOYS. Though, if this happens, it would be a genius move by the Tyrells. If Rob dies during war, they have a claim to the North. If he lives, they have an ally. 

Sweeney: Total bummer for Loras, and it would be similarly disappointing for Sansa when she realizes that about her big-crush-turned-husband. But all of that is pretty secondary to what an awesome power play it would be for the Tyrells and the overall improvement in life circumstances it would give Sansa.

North of The Wall, Captain Mormont is giving a speech over a funeral pyre.

Lor: It isn’t a very personal or impressive speech, but! It does contain our episode title. When better to whip out our gold star than during a funeral?

Sweeney: Aforementioned douche/would-be deserter, waits for Mormont to leave to give more ominous blather about their impending doom, suggesting that they all go steal Papa Incest’s food, which sounds like probably a good idea.

Inside, Papa Incest is giving a speech about his 99 sons, and Mormont’s doing something and giving, “Uh huh. Cool.” responses. The remaining men filter into the room, and our ominous speech maker starts making with the speeches. Papa Incest isn’t having that and things get real heated. He insists he’ll chop the hands off the next man who calls him a bastard, so somebody else provokes him, as an excuse to kill. Mormont’s pissed, but then it turns into full-fledged mutiny as someone stabs him. Fighting ensues, in which Mormont dies and the creepy dude seems to prevail. Sam sneaks off to find Gilly and they flee together. The creepy speechmaker shouts after Sam that he’ll be cutting his throat some other night.

Lor: My turn to give a DAFUQ? The Night’s Watchmen story line has been my least favorite, but I blinked and there was a mutiny! AND THEY KILLED THE LORD COMMANDER. RIP.

Sweeney: Not even this random ass mutiny was enough to make me care about this story line.

In the woods, Arya & Gendry’s captors lead them down into a cave. Once the bags are taken off all their heads, The Hound tells them they look like shit, which is kind of hilarious. The Hound tries to call them all deserters, and he is rightly called out for his hypocrisy. Then the One-Eyed Captor gives a great speech about justice, which suggests he may have add access to those special lessons. The Brotherhood Without Banners, he says, is all about killing people who prey on the weak. They’re also totes down with Creepy Red’s Lord of Light, and now I am very confused about the Lord of Light, because I hate her and kind of like them. Still, I’m putting this association in the negative column for them, for the moment.

Lor: +1. I groaned.

Sweeney: The Hound takes issue with being called a murderer, and Arya speaks up to call him out for killing her friend Mycah alllll those episode’s ago, and he doesn’t deny it. One Eye says that since nobody can know the truth of the crime, he should be sentenced to trial by combat. The Hound obviously sees this as good news, and goes around the room intimidating potential foes, adding that Arya might be the bravest one there. One Eye says she might be, but it’s him The Hound will be fighting.

As the opening credits are on a mission to be proven right, we’re visiting ALL THE FUCKING PLACES today. Daenerys is receiving her slave army with great fanfare. It’s probably a little awkward for the translator girl, now that she works for Dany. The leader of the slave army skips his usual insults, though. Or so I assume; we don’t get a written translation this time.

Having received her army, Dany opens a cage with her biggest dragon. Said dragon flies up, though he’s chained to a leash that Dany holds the end of. She hands it off to the slave president, who gets all excited and agrees that the deal is done. Dany walks away and Mormont is looking all scurred.

We get another text translation as Slave President calls her a bitch. She walks off to her new army, with Mormont looking antsy in the background. Then she tips her hand, revealing that she speaks Valyrian — ordering her newly acquired unsullied in it. Slave President is pissed that the dragon’s not obeying orders. “A dragon is not a slave.” When Slave President’s surprised she speaks Valyrian, she’s all, “BITCH PLEASE” and gives her Daenerys Stormborn, blood of old Valyria speech – that shit’s her mother tongue, fool.

The fact that the dragon sale wasn’t going to end well for Slave President wasn’t surprising. She orders the dragon to scorch him, which is exactly what I saw coming. What I didn’t predict was JUST HOW FUCKING COOL this whole business was going to be. Before the flame order, she tells her new army to kill Slave President’s men and every man who holds a whip. There’s not even much battle to show, because Daenerys just GOT SHIT DONE. I can’t even with this girl. COOLEST.

Lor: DRACARYS BITCHES! Aaaaahhhhh yeaaaah!

This entire thing was most parts poorly played by the slaver. BUT. That doesn’t really diminish Dany’s badassery. In an episode in which identity struggles play a big part (Jaime, Theon, Cersei), she can’t help but stand out as someone who at the very least knows who she is. Dragons are not slaves, indeed.

Sweeney: Agreed — her strong sense of her own identity is one of several reasons she stands out.

After everybody is dead, she gives a speech in which she grants all of the men their freedom, and asks them to fight for her as free men. Jorah looks proud. There’s a moment of silence, before one man starts pounding his stick and the others follow. We pan out to a wide shot to see just how fucking massive this army is, with the added bonus of three fucking dragons flying overhead.

YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS.

So, um, somebody tweet @Westeros and let them know shit’s about to go down? By which I mean, “You should all surrender now.”

Lor: Speaking of Tweets, we haven’t been able to participate in the fun times lately, but you are all holding down the #gameofsnark fort. Here are some of our favorites from this episode:

Sweeney: Psh, I did! I tweeted! #oneofthesetimestampsisnotliketheothers…

Next time on Game of Thrones: Tywin finds out about the plot to marry off Sansa, and they don’t seem pleased about it. Find out how they ruin her life some more on S03E05 – Kissed by Fire.