Angel S01 E13 – Spinal Boner

Previously: Cordelia got mystically pregnant and we surprisingly didn’t hate it.
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Sweeney: This episode begins with a party at Cordelia’s and I get excited because I’ve seen fun gifs of this episode! Cordelia jokes that a party must be Angel’s idea of hell and he says, “Actually in hell you tend to know a lot of the people.” LOL. A+ for you.

K: I’m going to use that excuse next time I have to go to a party, because Angel at a party = GPO-freaking-Y. 

Sweeney: Best excuse ever. Cordelia scurries off to see some guy she’s excited about and Angel watches Wesley dance awkwardly and gets the funniest little “You crazy” look ever. I’m so happy about everything that’s happening.

Some girl comes up and talks to Wesley, but he blows it with his awkwardness. Later, Angel is talking to another pretty girl and it’s going well, until a song comes on and it’s time for dancing. He has this really awesome daydream of him dancing absurdly AND IT’S THE BEST THING EVER. In reality he tells her that Angels don’t dance and she walks away.

Lorraine: OMG that ridiculous little fast clapping he does is perfection.

Sweeney: SO MUCH PERFECTION. This episode doesn’t have to do anything else and I already declare it a win. Magic. Speaking of magic, Angel goes into the dark kitchen to brood, and Phantom Dennis pulls up a chair for him. PD opens a beer as an answer to Angel’s question about how he’s doing. Phantom Dennis is the greatest character ever.

K: Also, we’ve just established that Angel drinks beer as well as coffee.

Sweeney: Elsewhere, a random creepy dude is also enjoying a beer beside a giant wooden crate large enough to hold a body. The crate starts making creepy noises and this guy’s obvious response is to open it? No, sir! Wrong answer! You turn on all the lights and/or leave immediately. Smoke and red lights come out of the box and the guy’s all OMG as the electric cello credits roll.

K: It’s pretty much exactly like when Mal opens Simon’s mysterious crate in the pilot of Firefly, except less futuristic. 

Sweeney: After the credits, Cordelia chastises Angel for being an awkward lurky fun-sucking black hole at her party. She wonders if people maybe didn’t gather in olden times. Angel says he tried, but bite and avoid are his only modes of human interaction. Plus, he’s afraid of women because of that one time a vagina ate his soul. Cordelia assures him that not all women will want to fuck you just because you’re nice to them. Word.

Lor: But, like, an even bigger point would probably be that some vaginas do not in fact feed on souls. Both points are good, though.

Sweeney: Wesley arrives just in time to end this conversation and be the butt of the joke, as Cordelia assures Angel that WWP and his bulky-sweater-awkward-dancing was much cooler. WWP assures Cordelia that he had loads of fun at her party, particularly the eating part. Angel is being all observant and quickly puts together that Wesley must be broke. Angels tells Wesley that as long as he can be useful, he’s entitled to a cut. WWP tries to hug Angel, but Angels don’t hug.

K: Not dancing, hiding alone in the kitchen, telling people to stay out of personal bubbles, epic social awkwardness? This is rapidly turning into the GPOY of Kirsti show. I don’t know how I feel about this… 

Sweeney: WWP gets all emotional and Cordelia says, “Hold me,” because she is having another migraine premonition. They have to go to an ice factory (??) in search of a corpse, and sewers aren’t an option so Angel will have to drive (in his convertible…) and WWP is coming so he can earn his keep. (“There’s no dental,” Angel says. WWP says he’ll floss.) Cordelia warns them to be careful because someone being burned to death in an ice factory is srsbsns and she only saw the guy that died, but not the thing that did it.

K: Also, EXPLODING EYEBALLS. Urgh.

Sweeney: They arrive at Jericho Ice Factory and it looks like Angel at least got all of his windows tinted. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal, but OK. Angel goes inside and inspects the corpse. He finds a wallet and business card. Um, I have all sorts of random shit like business cards in my wallet that I just shove in there. If Angel were to find my crispy corpse, he would be led to whatever overly aggressive person I was most recently unable to say, “Yeah, but no, I don’t want your stupid card.”

K: The only business cards in my wallet are about 30 of my own (blog, not professional), because I ordered 500 of them before the 20SB Summit in 2011, and have so far used about 15. So I guess he’d conclude that I was killed by people who got sick of me saying “PLEASE TAKE MY CARD????”

Lor: They killed you and they still didn’t take your cards. Rude.

Sweeney: As Angel is snooping around, he sees some guy running around and stops him. Angel nicknames him Captain Inferno, though quickly realizes that he isn’t responsible for scorching the guy. Not Captain Inferno is reluctant to talk but finally says that he’s not from this dimension, but he was sent there to stop this thing.

K: Oh God. My recreational television watching and my Snark Squad television watching are crossing over… 

Sorry I’m not sorry.

Sweeney: The thing in question is “pure rage” and is there to destroy the world. So, you know, the usual. Not Captain Inferno tells Angel that he won’t be able to stop it, though, and should probably just back off. He’s new.

Back at the office, Cordelia tells Wesley to STFU with the ass kissing, but agrees to get right on the researching of other recently scorched bodies. That night Angel goes off to figure out who hired the corpse, as he was in private security. I guess that’s the business card he found so maybe that was slightly more legit than I gave it credit for. Whatever. Fine.

Angel can’t get into the building through a door, which is mostly just an excuse for him to go all Batman and scale the wall. Inside, Angel gets to the snooping and finds some cash and a shipping order for a spa. Something ghost-like opens the door and suddenly Angel is shocked across the room. A demon woman appears and she has prosthetics on her cheeks similar to what Not Captain Inferno had on his forehead. She also has this weird face paint that kind of reminds me of Gaga’s lightning bolt — back when that was the extent of her quirky behavior. Simpler times.

K: She’s also played by Bai Ling, who I know only as the inaugural winner of the Fug Madness competition over on Go Fug Yourself. 

Lor: OH GOODNESS. I didn’t know that Bai Ling actually did anything other than wear Fugly clothes. Weird.

Sweeney: I had the same-but-opposite reaction to seeing Diane Kruger in a movie trailer. In my head all she does is wear awesome clothes and date Pacey. I forget that she acts sometimes too.

Anyway, she asks how much Angel has been paid to hunt them, but he says he’s just looking for the corpse’s killer. He rubs his recently shocked arm and asks if she knows anyone who burns people alive. He holds up a chair, but that’s useless as she goes right through it and again makes with the electro-punching, blasting Angel through the door. Her phone rings though, and she’s got other places to be.

Angel tries to chase Demon Gaga, and his phone is dying. He’s got to try to plug it in while driving and almost misses DG’s turn. Technology problems. He calls Cordelia and their conversation is largely useless, as the reception is terrible. I appreciate this introduction of the magic of cell phones.

Lor: This is especially fantastic because in today’s Buffy episode she gets a pager. SORRY BUFFY LOL.

Sweeney: Angel does manage to tell them to keep researching and also describe Demon Gaga, who Angel thinks is pretty hot.

Demon Gaga goes into a museum and tries to get a guard to go after Angel, but describes him as wearing a black coat, which he gets rid of and pretends to be giving a tour of the museum as more guards are called in. Someone in the comments mentioned that we get lots of little artsy aspects to Angel’s character, and I don’t know if I’d be so hyper aware if it weren’t for that, but yet again we have Angel easily identifying artwork. It’s a neat little factoid about our broody hero.

K: Thank God he’s at an art gallery and not a social history museum, or I’d have to up the GPOY count to five. 

Lor: Look, K. I’m not entirely up on this Internet lingo, but a quick search tells me there is a possibility that it stands for “go poop on yourself.” THIS IS THE BEST.

Sweeney: In a dark empty room, Demon Gaga pulls back her coat-cape-thing to reveal that she has giant boobs. Really, that seems to be the only point. Outside, Angel’s little tour-guide speech includes a poem that is said to be written about a real vampire. He laughs as he says this, before wrapping it up to sneak off and get back to chasing Demon Gaga. (L: He gets polite claps from the museum goers. In case he ever needs a secondary income…)

Back at Brooding HQ, WWP thinks he’s found the details on Not Captain Inferno, and that includes something about enslaving the women and also a diet of a whole lot of rotting vegetables. Because of reasons, that latter detail will be the magic secret to finding them.

In the museum, Angel finds Demon Gaga and they banter. She realizes that he’s a vampire and tells him to GTFO because something’s about to happen that isn’t any of his concern. Obvs he doesn’t go. The ceiling and presumably the sky above it opens up and a naked demon lady of the same species falls out. Angel grabs a nearby tarp that was covering some art (K: Poor conservation practice, yo.) and tosses it over her as the door bursts open and Not Captain Inferno bursts in with some other dudes of this same demon species.

They tell Angel that this isn’t his problem, and they grab the the girl that fell from the sky and leave. Demon Gaga tells Angel that she will be “unmade.”

Not Captain Inferno and his men arrive at what appears to be a gigantic flower shop, and Tarp Girl is freaking out because being unmade sounds super unpleasant. In the back, one of the guys has a clamp-like thing and goes to pull the prosthetic off of her spine.

K: They also constantly refer to her as “it”, which is a) creepy, and b) a little too much like Silence of the Lambs for my liking.

Sweeney: Back in the Brooding Basement, Demon Gaga is anxious about Angel, because she’s heard vampires are mostly about killing people. She finally opens up and says that Tarp Girl was a runaway that Demon Gaga was trying to help escape. She starts to blame Angel for his interference, but he adds that they’d have DG too if he hadn’t been there. Fair, she adds.

Then DG explains this being “unmade” business, which isn’t quite as simple as being killed. Basically, everything that controls personality lives in that prosthetic spine and the men remove it from the women in order to make them slaves. Also the spine serves as some sort of lady boner.

I think this is a giant female circumcision metaphor. Demon Gaga is basically a princess in her world, though I don’t think that excuses her from having to have her lady boner spine removed. Anyway, they arrive in this dimension with so much pent up sexual energy that they just light shit on fire. This is why Angel is so afraid of vaginas.

K: I kinda don’t blame him. I mean, he has enough potential spontaneous combustion in his life already, what with the sunlight and all.

Lor: IDK about all this spinal-boner stuff, but Bai Ling’s breathy delivery of everything ever is making me super uncomfortable…

Sweeney: DG hung out in an ice factory for a few months to cool herself down, but the security guard and a handful of other dudes burnt in the last year were all generally the victims of some of the other runaway girls who Demon Gaga tried to help.

Angel’s all, “I want to help you, but you have to stop killing dudes in my dimension.” Demon Gaga’s all, “Then tell them to GTFO.” Her prosthetic spine thing also glows a lot during this scene, and they’re both breathing even heavier, so I can only assume that’s the lady boner. Anyway, she’s not interested in Angel’s human-saving help and runs off, but not before she does this weird glowy thing to his chest.

The following morning, Cordelia and WWP arrive at the California Flower Mart and it is with that sign that I have to concede. I was all prepared to give a “bullshit they figured out the precise florist” speech, but that’s actually a pretty legit guess. Fine, show.

What’s slightly less legit is that it’s now day and it seems to be deserted. WWP and Cordelia lurk and spy on the dudes, who are referring to Tarp Girl as an “it,” who is now happy to go home whenever the demon dudes want her to, since her lady spine is gone. They escort “it” away and Not Captain Inferno tells some other bro that they’re not going to stop this until they capture Demon Gaga.

We cut to the spa that Angel saw the the shipping order for. Inside KIRK from Gilmore girls is inspecting some sand as Demon Gaga walks in, wanting to know where the girls are.

K: Did they think no one would notice that he was literally just in episode 9 as one of Doyle’s relatives?

Sweeney: But, like, his hair is bleached now so it’s tooootes different.

Kirk notes that Demon Gaga seems a little upset. In a spa room, there are a bunch of girls laying in tubs of ice. DG wants to get them out of there, because they’re going to be found soon. Kirk says they need more ice time before they’ll be ready.

Back at the Flower Mart, WWP and Cordelia are hiding in the shadows trying to call Angel, but he’s not answering, so they’re going to have sneak out without his help. They stick around long enough to overhear that the demon men have found a location that has recently been receiving large shipments of ice.

They arrive at the Brooding Basement as Angel is getting out of the shower and Cordelia is pissed that this is why he wasn’t answering his phone. He’s awkwardly all, “Uhh, well.. I needed a shower,” because the glowy thing made him blow his load? I’m not imagining us being beaten over the head with innuendo in this episode, right?

K: Not even remotely imagining it. It’s about as subtle as Todd from Scrubs. 

Sweeney: Anyway, WWP and Cordelia tell Angel what they heard and he’s all, “Oh, I have that invoice! I know where we’re going.” Wesley wants there to be an actual plan, but Angel’s plan is just to get straight to the fighting.

Lor: I think this is the shot from the credits too, where they walk together all in ass-kicking formation.

And then, like a second later, this happens:

Sweeney: At the spa, Kirk tries to stop Angel but quickly yields and directs him to Demon Gaga and the girls. She’s pissed but Angel’s all, “Hey they’re coming! So you don’t really have a choice about accepting my help.” WWP and Cordelia have to help the girls off to these ice-filled crates like the one from the beginning of the episode, and WWP is all awkward and it would be pervy but he’s so precious that it’s not.

They return to the fight and are quickly captured. Demon Dudes tell Angel that he’ll kill the humans if he won’t give Demon Gaga and the runaways back. Demon Gaga’s all, “Whatever. Kill them,” and leaves. Fortunately, the humans aren’t quite so weak and defenseless, so they are able to fight and get free. I guess the demon men aren’t all that strong, hence the destroying of lady spines?

Outside, Not Captain Inferno captures Demon Gaga and is about to have his henchmen remove her lady spine when Angel appears and tells them that they need to let her go or he’ll kill Not Captain Inferno. They do, and she leaves in a truck that has the ice-boxed-runaways.

Not Captain Inferno tells Angel that he just doesn’t understand their ways (yes, clearly a giant female circumcision metaphor) and needs to back the fuck off. Angel is wondering why nobody is getting the memo that backing-the-fuck-off just isn’t a thing he does. He vamps out and that’s enough to scare off Not Captain Inferno. I don’t know why we didn’t just kill him. I guess we’re avoiding an inter-dimensional war.

Back at Brooding HQ, Angel is trying to crush coffee beans with his vampire strength, as per a suggestion from Cordelia at the beginning of an episode. The bag explodes, just in time for Cordelia and WWP to enter and WWP to fall.

K: It’s pretty hilarious and I wish it existed in gif form. 

Sweeney: He then begins groveling, because he thinks he’ll be fired for being taken hostage. LOL, doesn’t he know that’s just standard operating procedure? (L: Angel needs an employee handbook.) Angel assures him that all is well and that he did a great job.

Demon Gaga shows up to tell Angel that the girls are safe and thank him for his help, though she’s not going to apologize for throwing humans under the bus to save her people. There is more tense silence and heavy breathing. She leaves and we see her lady boner glowing. K.

Then the end credits roll and they are the best end credits ever because we get more of the Angel and Wesley dancing footage WHICH I COULD WATCH FOR THE REST OF FOREVER.

 

Lor: I think the end credits were saying, “sorry for Bai Ling, guys. HERE’S MORE DANCING!” Legit, credits. Legit.

 

Next time on Angel: Angel and Wesley perform an exorcism, but apparently the demon wanted to be evicted? Find out why in S01 E14 – I’ve Got You Under My Skin.