Previously: Ethan came to town and Giles became a demon for a hot minute which was excellent solely because there is now a gif of demon!Giles chasing Walsh down the street.
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The I in Team
Sweeney: The episode begins with Willow chanting, but we pan out and realize that she’s just “praying” for a good card in a poker game with Xander and Anya, who is predictably bad at poker. Xander is bummed about their current lack of money, but he swears that’s about to change because he’s going to sell some crap that doesn’t sound at all appealing.
Lorraine: I don’t think I’ve mentioned lately how adorable Willow is. Maybe I have, but oh well: LOOK AT HOW CUTE.
Sweeney: The cutest. Buffy couldn’t be there because it’s a day that ends with Y, so she’s with Riley. Xander actually likes Riley, perhaps partly because he has a perfect-for-him girlfriend, but I’m thinking it’s mostly the fact that Riley’s not a vampire. Commenters get down on Xander for this as an unreasonable bias on his part, but given that killing vampires has been sort of a central theme of Xander’s existence for over three years now, it seems pretty reasonable to me.
Lor: …he’s dating an ex-vengeance demon who is now not a demon through no choice of her own. Though I know Xander had some issues with Angel being a vampire, he was also jealous for a part of the relationship and then had bigger issues with the Angel vs. Angelus thing. Which, again, Anya vs. Anyanka…
Sweeney: WOMP. That’s a really essential part of this argument that didn’t occur to me as I was typing that out. Whenever I think things that might defend Xander, I feel the need to say them, because these thoughts are so rare. I’m trying to create some semblance of balance. Sorry, Xander Defense Force, I yield this argument.
Also, this happens:
Lor: It’s amazing to me that Buffy is not picking up on the epic glaring going on right now. And when EBM says Buffy kicked her team’s asses in 20 seconds, she makes it sound like an accusation. Like she’s saying, “YOU KILLED MY PUPPY.” Buffy is oblivious, because plot.
Sweeney: Season 4 is heavy with the Oblivious Buffy plot elements, one of its many groan-worthy features.
K: Oblivious Buffy is the WORST. And we’ve had so many instances of it already this season that it makes me sad to think about how many more are coming up. SIGH.
Sweeney: In the Contrivance U cafeteria, Buffy is gushing to Willow about how awesome her evening was. Willow had a totes uneventful evening, and hopes Buffy doesn’t find that evening a let down. Buffy has clearly forgotten that they had plans. Then Willow has to talk about her evening while Buffy awkwardly gazes at Riley. She says he’s going to be punished for only eating a Twinkie for lunch, and I twitch at the expected Fifty Shades trauma. (L: EAT MOAR FOOD.)
Elsewhere, Spike is napping in his crypt when Giles arrives. Question: NOT re-opening the sunlight debate, but do we assume from here on out that BtVS is playing by the AtS rules? It just occurs to me that we never saw the Brooding Bungalow this well lit.
Lor: Damn. Maybe Angel really did just like reading by meager light.
K: Or maybe the cobwebs over the windows are really good at blocking those flame-inducing rays of sunshine??
Sweeney: Anyway, Giles is just there to bring Spike his money. Giles briefly tries to get Spike to accept a higher calling, what with demons being the only beings Spike can harm. Spike shoos Giles away, though, insisting that they no longer have anything to do with each other. This seems ridiculous, since letting Spike live at all is questionable as hell, given how little the gang knows about this brain chip. I mean, how do they know that this isn’t going to suddenly wear off? Spike is clearly still pro-evil. I’m on board with the idea that you can’t kill him when he can’t do evil, but they don’t know how long that’s going to last. It’s all kinds of absurd for Buffy & Co. to just be all, “K, bye! Have fun!” The last time they did that it was part of a deal (he helps and then leaves town) which he broke (by returning). Yes, I’m glad for all the stuff he adds to the show later, but right now it’s just giving me headaches for the consistent lack of sense-making.
Buffy and Riley are having a conversation about whether or not she’s ready and it sounds like they’re talking about sex, but no, it’s about Buffy going down into the Abysmal Plot Arc Research Facility. She’s ready. She gets scanned and goes down the elevator to ooh and aah. Sex innuendo continues. “You said it was big. You told me it was big, but you never said it was huge.” Riley says he doesn’t like to brag. Blah, blah, blah BORED NOW.
EBM shows up and gives Buffy a guest pass and some Initiative homework. They go look at some demons in a big foil-covered pit.
K: Every time I watch season 4, I wonder WHY the pit is covered in foil. Surely it leads to blood and guts and demon parts getting stuck in the creases?? Although I guess it helps with the underground lighting.
Sweeney: Said demons apparently took eight Initiative men to take down. So, like, sixty seconds and three snarky comments from B? (L: A+) (K: Cosigned.) EBM says hello to a scientist who is the expert on behavior modification. Brain Chip Scientist waves and Buffy starts to make a comment about having seen his skillz, but realizes that EBM isn’t supposed to know that she’s aware of Spike’s location. All right, fine, contrivance, I’m in favor of keeping Spike out and unsupervised only because I know the Initiative doesn’t want it.
The tour continues with “LOOK AT HOW SHINY OUR TOYS ARE!” and “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH OUR TOYS.”
Elsewhere, Willow is looking at a low-tech toy: Tara has a snazzy crystal that she’s offering to Willow, but Willow won’t take it because it’s a family heirloom. Tara tries to invite Willow over to do something, but Willow can’t because she already has plans, which she won’t invite Tara to because “it’s kind of a specific crowd.” Poor, awkward Tara awkwards and scurries off. I just want to give her a hug.
Lor: She is truly adorable too and her awkward endears me to her. Still not the zigzag part, but yes on the awkward.
K: Highlights of season 4? Anya, Spike, Tara. And Hush. Lowlights? EVERYTHING ELSE EVER.
Sweeney: Down in the APARF, Walsh is going into room 314. Brain Chip Scientist thinks that Buffy is an unnecessary risk. EBM asks how “their baby” is doing. Well, apparently. EBM looks at a deformed human-ish thing on the table, the sight of whom makes me long for the Frankenstein football player. Remember him, Lor? In the interest of keeping expectations nice and low, I’ll remind you that you ranked his episode dead last in season 2. I like him more than Adam. Probably this is primarily because he only got one episode and Adam gets multiple. So, HOORAY!
Lor: I’ll just type out all the thoughts that went on in my head while I read that: Oh yeah, of course I remember Frankenbrother. Of course I ranked that episode last. It sucked. YOU WHAT? -_-
K: Man, it’s fun knowing the future. Except when it’s not…
Sweeney: Yeah, this falls under the heading of “not” for me. At The Bronze, Xander’s getting ready to go because Buffy is an hour late.
K: I also have to stop and mention that he’s wearing a jumper with a Captain America shield on the front of it. AVENGERS REFERENCE SHOTS!!
Sweeney: Respect the drinking games, friends.
Willow insists that Buffy’s coming and JUST THEN, she does…accompanied by Riley and Initiative guys. Riley and his buddies go get drinks and Anya drags Xander onto the dance floor to get away from them. Left alone with Buffy, Willow admits that she’s bummed that Buffy showed up late and not alone, keeping them from proper Scooby time, especially since Willow didn’t invite Tara. Except Willow leaves it at “someone” because she’s not willing to go there yet.
They gloss over that with a quick apology and move straight to gushing over Buffy being into the Initiative. Willow is anxious about this plan and thinks that Buffy is rushing things a little with The Initiative. Word. Ultimate agenda is a big one. Buffy’s not really listening and then all the Initiative pagers (including the one Buffy got at the end of her tour) go off.
EBM and Brain Chip Scientist are briefing them on a demon, with specific instructions to not damage the arms. Buffy wants to know why, since destroying the demon however you have to is usually her objective. BCS wants to study the demon’s physiology. Then Buffy has all sorts of other questions, because she usually actually knows things about the demons she’s after instead of just following orders, because she’s awesome and The Initiative is not. Or something like that. Evil Bitch Monster puts a stop to that. (L: EBM is no Giles, who would’ve pulled out 2-3 books for additional reading.) (K: And probably at least one obscure amulet)
Then, just to make me hate her a little more, EBM gives Buffy shit about not being suited up. Buffy assures EBM that she’s slayed in that halter many times. I love her. EBM tells Riley to deploy the teams, with an added reminder that this is a capture, not a kill.
Willow goes to Tara, and has to concede that she got bailed on and is now showing up there. Tara doesn’t even mind that I-got-bailed-on arrival, and happily invites her in.
Out in the woods, Buffy is upset that Evil Bitch Monster no longer likes her, but Riley assures her that it’s fine and also that this is not the time for that conversation. Elsewhere, Forrest is moping to the Other Friend Whose Name I Don’t Remember about being passed over for a girl. Psh. STFU, Forrest. Awesome Friend teases Forrest accordingly.
Awesome Friend spots something, only it turns about to not be their target, but Spike, carrying groceries. WOMP. Spike’s inability to fight handicaps him a lot. He tries to run, but gets taken out by some sort of tranquilizer gun.
K: It’s some kind of tracking device thing. You’d think tranquilisers would make more sense, but I guess they’re paranoid about not knowing how much to give various species??
Sweeney: Yeah, I got that later.
Riley gets a radio that I think he says is from Graham, which I assume is Awesome Friend’s name. No time for that, though, because their target demon has arrived. What follows might be an interesting choice if I had any positive feelings about Riley, but I don’t, so it’s not. They fight in slow motion with lots of cuts back and forth to them going to bed together.
Lor: IDK. Something about cutting up a group fight against a demon with a sex scene is awkward as hell, just in and of itself, but it doesn’t help that SMG and Blucas are awkward and have ZERO CHEMISTRY.
Exhibit A
Sweeney: Well selected evidence. Accurate.
K: Mostly this scene made me reminisce about when Faith arrived in Sunnydale and was like “Hey, isn’t it funny how after you kill stuff you get really hungry and want to have lots of sex?” and Buffy was all “What? NO.” I’m gonna just go ahead and imagine Coma!Faith yelling “I TOLD YOU SO” at Buffy. Carry on.
Sweeney: After the demon is apprehended, Buffy asks what he wants to do now and we cut to them having sex. The slow motion fight/sex scene was mostly just weird, but I guess YAY for what is probably the most normal sexual experience Buffy has in all seven seasons. Good for you B. Now let’s move on.
JOKES about that normal thing, though, because the image goes black and white and we see that they are being watched by EBM in the Abysmal Plot Arc Research Facility BECAUSE EW. EW. EW. EW. I had forgotten just how many reasons there are to hate this bitch!
K: GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS.
Sweeney: At New Wiggins, Xander is trying to sell his nasty BOOST bar things to Giles. He finally relents and it’s as disgusting as one might expect. Giles tries to kick Xander out over it. Spike shows up under a tarp to complain about being chased around by soldiers. Giles wants to know how this is their problem, since Spike has said he doesn’t want anything to do with them.
I remember that I was wrong about that tranquilizer gun bit when Spike points out that he’s been shot. Giles reminds Spike that he made him pay for his help before, and Spike reluctantly returns what’s left of that money.
In Riley’s bed, Buffy teases him about the fact that he has an alarm go off to remind him to take his vitamins. She says he’s quite the regimental soldier and he reveals that he was selected from special ops. In a move that further highlights their incompatibility, Riley adds that he never needed to know why because you follow orders, rather than ask questions in the military. They try to make it better by having him add that he knows it’s good work worth doing, but this moment pretty much spells out the most annoying thing about both this character and arc. Not asking big life questions, which is what this show is all about.
She asks what 314 is, and Riley gets awkward face. He’s saved by a call from EBM, saying that he’s needed at The Abysmal Plot Arc Research Facility. He doesn’t know why, because he’s, as Buffy points out, “really not one for asking questions.”
He spots door 314 and starts to look into it, but is caught by EBM. She sends Riley off on a mission and goes into 314 to tell Brain Chip Scientist that Buffy has become “a situation” because she knows that 314 exists. Brain Chip Scientist says that means it’s time for the contingency plan which is a bummer because she could have been useful and it’ll be rough on Riley, but WHATEVS. We also reveal that he’s cutting the arm off the demon they captured, hence the need to preserve it.
Back at New Wiggins, Giles is plucking the thing out of Spike’s back. He’s not sure what it is, but it’s blinking. Because of REASONS, Xander suddenly has soldier memory again and correctly identifies it as a tracer. (K: UGH. The more we snark, the more I realise that consistency is not really Whedon’s strong suit.) They don’t have time to anesthetize Spike, since Initiative guys will be coming soon.
Buffy returns to the Bigger on the Inside Dorm Room just before Willow. They have an awkward moment about their mutual Out All Night-ness. Buffy gets beeped away for that Initiative Contingency Plan. The phone rings and it’s Giles, asking for Willow to come help.
Lor: Willow is consistently bad about expressing her hurt feelings. Or, rather, she is consistently good at pushing it aside in attempts to make it okay. Over big or little issues, it’s always tough to watch it happen.
Sweeney: I will say, though, that at least this is consistent. It’s painful, but it’s a well developed and consistent part of Willow’s character.
K: One of the few consistencies??
Sweeney: Down in the Abysmal Plot Arc Research Facility, EBM is briefing Buffy on the assignment. Probably no action, she insists, as it’s just recon, tracking a low-level threat that’s moving through the sewers and might just be a raccoon. She gives Buffy a heavy duty looking weapon for this low-level threat as well as a headset with a camera, because all they need is for Buffy to get a visual. Buffy accepts all of this and adds that there is still some stuff she’s not clear on, and Evil Bitch Monster assures her that they can have a talk when Buffy returns. WORST. I HATE YOU.
Spike is (wisely) stupid drunk as Giles continues his surgical efforts. Willow was called there to perform a spell that would throw off The Initiative’s ability to track them. She finishes the spell and the electricity goes haywire and also this happens:
K: I can’t stop watching it. And I think Willow’s hair is my favourite.
Sweeney: In the woods we see that it worked, as Forrest is complaining about the signal, though they think they are headed in the right general direction. They have to change into their civilian clothes (woo, more time!) because they will be headed into a populated area. Remember when they actually acknowledged the Super Secret status of their mission, by properly hiding their faces and stuff? Then The Great Contrivance Spirit was all, “LOL, that’s too logical. Way more bullshit plot this way!”
Down in the sewers, Buffy spots a demon and she radios to Walsh all, “Girl, no POSSIBLE on that demon thing. DEFINITE demons down here. For realsies.” It turns out to be not one but two, and Buffy instantly recognizes these demons as the same species she saw when she first got to the APARF at the beginning of the episode. She fires her heavy duty looking gun, and it sparks and as she drops it, we see a gate close behind her. Buffy recognizes this for the trap that it is, pretty much instantly.
Lor: I’d be way more impressed if she hadn’t found herself in the trap in the first place, but then no show! So, you know.
K: Mostly I’m just thrilled that it means Buffy’s on board with the “Evil” and “Bitch” parts of EBM’s nickname.
Sweeney: I bet she accepts Monster” as well…
Since I made that comment earlier, I’ll say that I can only verify that this fight lasted about 40 seconds, sans snarky comments of any kind. It’s a tricky call, though, because we cut back to Evil Bitch Monster watching the fight from Buffy’s POV, with a heart monitor. Then the camera falls to the ground and the monitor slows to a complete stop, meaning EBM assumes she’s dead. Aside from the fact that audience knows their girl, they also know that this is only episode 13 and we have like ten more minutes of episode left.
We cut back and forth between Giles finally getting the tracer out as Riley & Co. get closer. Xander runs off with it, and Forrest says that the signal says it’s coming right at them. When it passes by them Riley looks down and spots a sewer, realizing that it has been flushed.
Down in the sewer, the fight resumes for another 35 seconds (bringing her just a bit over my estimated 60 seconds, but there were two of them and she had to throw off EBM, so I’m going to argue that if anything, I sold her short). She kills one through her usual hand-to-hand combat, and uses the faulty-wiring-trap-door-closing gun to electrocute the other.
K: I’m a little sad that she doesn’t decapitate one of them with its own axe, because that would be awesome. But probably tricky to film…
Sweeney: Riley returns to the Abysmal Plot Arc Research Facility to tell Evil Bitch Monster that they didn’t bag Spike, but she cuts him off to tell him what happened to Buffy.
Lor: Pausing before the awesome moment to come to comment that Blucas’ acting is HORRID.
Sweeney: True. I’m not sure a better actor could have done much to save this character, but Blucas certainly doesn’t do Riley any favors.
As Evil Bitch Monster is explaining Buffy’s demise (in EBM’s version, she tried to stop Buffy, and Buffy went off on her own) and apologizing, Buffy appears on the screen behind EBM. Then I almost feel better about this whole stupid episode because we get an A FUCKING PLUS moment of BAMF Buffy. (K: BAMF BUFFY FTW) She listens to the tail end of EBM’s faux-remorse, before jumping in to say that the bogus mission was bogus and turned out to be her trapped with two pet demons and a faulty weapon. “If you think that’s enough to kill me, you really don’t know what a slayer is. Trust me when I say that you’re going to find out.”
AWESOME. I just need to appreciate, for a second, how much I love her. You know, before I remember that she was being a shit friend in the beginning of this episode and that this is a total TOLD YOU SO moment for Giles and Willow. LOL, JK, because Buffy is still absolutely winning the TOLD YOU SO game. We should have been keeping a running tally.
Lor: Season 4 hasn’t been good for her runaway lead, but I mean, she could join the Initiative like 4 more times and still be pretty safe in that game.
Sweeney: Anyway, Riley gives EBM rage face and storms off. She tries to order him to stop, and seems legit emotional about it, but nobody is giving any fucks about her orders or her feels.
In the New Wiggins, Spike is insisting that he’s going to make The Initiative put him back the way he was. Giles is trying to explain, though he has no idea why, that it’s just not safe for Spike to be there now. Just then, Buffy returns to tell them that it’s not safe for anyone, what with them having tried to kill her that day.
At the end of a long day of failed assisination attempts, Evil Bitch Monster goes to give a creepy soliloquy to her monster about how she’s worked too long to be stopped by “some little bitch” who, EBM insists, has no idea who she’s dealing with. BITCH, PLEASE.
As with any good pre-death villain soliloqy, this one goes on FOREVER. It’s how you know she’ll be attacked real soon. She insists that Riley will come along once Buffy is gone, but if not WHATEVER. Thing one, though, is removing the complication. Except she doesn’t finish that last word because she gets shot in the back with an arrow that seems to pierce her through heart.
Lor: Oh. I was not expecting that. I’m off my game. Probably still traumatized by Ruffy sex. Or is it Biley? I like that either way it’s either sounds like rough or bile. Accurate.
Sweeney: We pan out to see Adam standing behind her. “Adam,” is her last word. “Mommy,” is his first. She collapses and it wasn’t so much an arrow as a giant stick that shoots out of the arm that Buffy helped get for him. Yay! With an introduction like, “Mommy,” how can Adam be anything but a totes amazing character? -_-
K: Because there’s an incredibly tenuous reason to do so and because I haven’t used one in a while, here – have a Doctor Who gif:
Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Adam’s loose, Riley’s got more traumatic information to learn, and we’re still wishing for this season to end faster. Read all about it in S04 E14 – Goodbye Iowa.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
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