Buffy the Vampire Slayer S04 E14 – Balls all over your wall.

Previously: Buffy joined the Initiative for a hot second, but it turns out she’s not so good at taking orders. The Evil Bitch Monster got speared by her own monster, and Buffy finally got, ahem, speared by Riley. Barf.
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Goodbye, Iowa

Lorraine: Buffy is doing her version of the “previouslies” for the Scooby Gang, as this episode starts right after the last. The more I think about the whole Buffy in the Initiative development, the more unlikely it seems to me that they brought her in against their better judgement and then 10 minutes later were all LOL. JAYKAY! She’s a liability and we’re gonna kill her. But that is indeed what happened.

K: Agreed. It’s totally stupid. Unless the whole thing was an attempt to pump her for information about what the Slayer is/does, and then when the Evil Bitch Monster realised that she couldn’t chop off bits of Buffy and put them into Adam, she put her in the Too Hard Basket?

Sweeney: Even then, it was so sloppily handled considering how much top secret information she gained, how quickly she was brought in, and how poor the effort to get rid of her was. This arc is just one crap turn after another.

Lor: Speaking of crap turns, Spike speaks up about Buffy’s crap taste in men, and she doesn’t immediately get that he’s referring to Riley. Buffy asks the other Scoobies if they think Riley had anything to do with the Evil Bitch Monster’s [Professor Walsh] attack on her life. Giles is like, “NOOOOOOOOOO!! …but maybe?” Buffy notes that EBM [Evil Bitch Monster] made sure that Riley was far away before sending her off to her doom. Giles wonders why EBM would suddenly want to kill Buffy and they all conclude that she must’ve been getting too close to some secret.

We segue magic to Adam caked in terrible make-up, climbing out of some tunnel. Roll credits.

Buffy is handing out weapons and suggesting they all go hide someplace safer to come up with a plan. She thinks Xander’s basement might be good enough. Giles protests, because ew, Xander’s basement. Spike: What it was good enough for me, but you’re above it all? Giles: Precisely. 

K: Actual best. I wouldn’t want to spend time in Xander’s basement either.

Lor: Giles thinks they can stay where they are as it’s unlikely the Initiative boys will come around. Of course, that’s Riley’s cue to enter.

Riley asks what went down and Buffy answers that the Evil Bitch Monster tried to kill her. Riley looks like he’s watching paint dry surprised. He’s sure there must be some mistake, but asks that they all keep their heads. Then he loses his head, but only metaphorically, because if it were literally, there would be a Snark Squad Dance Party going on.

K: If only BtVS had the same blood budget at Game of Thrones…

Sweeney: Can’t we just pretend for a second and have one anyway?

Lor: Any excuse for a Destiny’s Child gif, really.

What was I saying? Right, Riley loses his head ’cause he catches sight of Spike. Buffy introduces Spike to Riley and says, “even though the Traumateers have been doing a fantastic job of trying to supply reasons for his continued presence, the truth is that we inexplicably kept him around for a long time. So long, in fact, that we couldn’t even kill him now even if we wanted to.” No, not really. She only says, “it’s a long story,” because even the writers knew there wasn’t a real “because.” Buffy insists that he isn’t bad anymore, but Spike jumps up all, “YES HUH I AM.” Of course you are, my little Spikeypoo.

Riley flips. The Initiative has been looking all over for Spike, and Buffy’s known his location this entire time? Instead of saying, “BITCH. YOUR BOSS TRIED TO KILL ME. SHUT UP FOREVER.” Buffy softly offers that it isn’t what he thinks. Riley asks what he’s doing there then, and that’s about enough for Spike. He’s leaving the drama for his mama, (or close to that). Before departing, he offers Riley an enthusiastic two thumbs up if he’s trying to kill Buffy.

Riley asks again about the deal with Spike and before I can strike my capslock key for a rage-fest, Xander says what I did in the last paragraph: Buffy should be the one asking the questions since EMB almost killed her. High five Xander. You’ve come a long way.

Sweeney: I don’t think I’ve ever said these words, but A+ for you Xander. Because fuck all of this noise.

Lor: Chastised, Riley takes it down a notch as he suggests that maybe something is controlling EBM. Or maybe this was a drill meant to test Buffy.

They shut those theories down as Giles says that something secret and nefarious is going on at the Initiative, but Riley ain’t buying. I swear to God this has been the longest seven minutes of an episode ever. WE GET IT. THE SCOOBIES THINK THE INITIATIVE IS BAD. RILEY DOESN’T. DIFFERING VIEWS, BLAH, BLAH, ETC.

Sweeney: Riley spends the second half of this scene like so:

Lor: In related news, that is how I will spend the rest of this episode.

In the next scene, Adam comes across a little boy playing with action figures. Adam asks the boy what he is, and instead of answering, “AAAAAHHH!!!” and running away, the Stupid Boy answers, “you’re a monster.” We don’t see Stupid Boy die, but the ominous music and, you know, stupidity, highly suggest that he does.

The Initiative scientist we were introduced to last episode who we took to calling Brain Chip Scientist, walks into room 314 and soon slips on a trail of blood, coming from the extremely dead EBM. Classic horror music trills as Brain Chip Scientist spazzes out all, “oh nos! We built a giant, super demon and it’s killed someone! THE HORROR.”

Sweeney: We couldn’t possibly have seen this coming!

Lor: Xander’s Fruit Roll-Up Basement. Giles is sleeping on an inflatable chair on one side of a bed sheet curtain. On the other side, Willow, Anya and Buffy are squeezed into bed together watching Road Runner cartoons on TV.

Giles crosses the sheet barrier and turns off the TV. While searching for gifs for this episode, this is the one I most often came across, with comments like HUMINA HUMINA. Or SEX ON LEGS! Or GILES IN THE MORNING, HELLO. Etc.

Anyways, Willow riles on Giles for being a cranky pants in the morning, and Anya jumps into to say that every time Giles moved it made squeaky sounds. He counters that Anya snores and then Buffy breaks it up. “Everything is screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parent’s marriage.” Anya and Giles meekly apologize. That was an A+ guilt trip on Buffy’s part.

K: Truth. And while I’m not on Team Giles is a Hottie, I do like that they included the Mark of Eyghon tattoo on his arm. We see Giles in short sleeves so infrequently that it was good for them to be all “HEY, REMEMBER SEASON 2 WHEN THINGS DIDN’T SUCK?”

Lor: Willow tells Buffy that everything will be okay, and that Riley will come around. Anya thinks Buffy should look into a boring boyfriend, like Xander, but not actually Xander because she can’t have him. And I LOL forever, because this reminds me that Riley is supposed to be not boring? Because he occasionally wears camo? NICE TRY GUYS. Buffy is already too feels-invested to abandon Riley and will have to make it work.

Xander rushes in with a tray of breakfast and tells them to quickly turn on the TV. Willow does, and even though they were watching cartoons when it was turned off, it’s suddenly on the correct news station.

K: Maybe they’re watching Australian television? Because until about 2007, we had a grand total of five TV stations. So cartoons -> news in the space of five minutes was totally plausible on the one channel. 

Lor: Okay, sure. They are watching Australian TV, Kirsti.

On the Australian news report, we learn The Stupid Boy was killed by some sort of skewer and then his body was mutilated. Sorry for calling you stupid! Buffy remembers that EBM had her bring back that demon with the skewer arms, and was insistent on the skewer arms being intact. She thinks the Skewer Demon was what went after the Stupid Boy. Everyone is all, “don’t be sad Buffy! It isn’t your fault!” Buffy rises, and the Superhero Music swells as she starts dispatching the troops. In her pajamas.

 

Riley is back at his dorm and Forrest is on hand to assume he was out with Buffy. As they enter his room, and Riley closes the door, we see that he has a poster that says in giant letters “Balls.” I don’t even know, you guys.

One time, I went to visit some high school friends up at the University of Florida. We were catching up and drinking, and I can’t even remember what was said, but my friend wanted to respond with the douchey phrase, “balls to the wall,” meaning “let’s go all out.” But she was drunk and it became “balls on your wall.” For a very long time, “balls on your wall,” was a phrase we all adopted to mean, “sucks to be you.”

Riley: BALLS ON YOUR WALL.

Trust me, that story was more entertaining that 100% of what has gone on in this episode so far. You are welcome.

K: Mostly, that poster reminds me of Supernatural. 

Lor: Everything reminds you of Supernatural.

Riley rehashes what we’ve rehashed 78 times already in this episode. Forrest thinks had almost being killed coming because of all her question-asking. Another Initiative Bro comes in to announce that EBM is dead.

Downstairs in the Abysmal Plot Arc Research Facility, Riley and Forrest go see the body for themselves. From 20 feet away and because he saw some blood on her coat, Forrest immediately deduces that EBM has been staked and Buffy did it. Riley and Forrest come to near blows because of the accusation, but Brain Chip Scientist breaks it up, saying that it looks like the Skewer Demon is to blame. However, The Initiative is on a total lockdown order. And by “total lockdown” he means he’s going to just send all these super secret soldiers to their rooms with no supervision or any way to actually keep them locked down.

K: BEST PLAN EVAH.

Lor: Of course, Riley is immediately gathering his team and telling them to suit up and um, gun up. Forrest stalks by. Seriously, I’m not sure why he’s so pissed off by Biley, unless of course he wants to be the balls on Riley’s wall.

Commando troops storming the graveyard and breaking into crypts. Forrest and another Initiative Bro find Spike’s TARDIS Crypt and can tell someone has been staying there. They check inside the coffin but all they see are some nicely preserved bones. They leave and we see that Spike was in the coffin, hiding under the bones. With the bones, like, straddling his face. OKAY.

Buffy is at Stupid Boy’s crime scene and Riley is there also, of course. Buffy apologizes for everything that happened earlier at Giles’s, even offering that there is an explanation for Spike that almost makes sense. I’m taking that as confirmation that even the writers knew they were half-assing explanations in season 4. Anyways, Riley tells B about Evil Bitch Monster’s death and asks if that makes her happy. Buffy is aghast. She swears to find the Skewer Demon and kill it and thinks maybe then Riley will stop asking her how happy death makes her.

Willow goes to see Tara who cutely and happily receives her. They both gush about how much fun they had doing spells… ALL NIGHT LONG. Willow tells Tara that she doesn’t just like her for her magic (WINK) but for her personality too. Tara’s all, “…but you want my magic, don’t you?” Yes, Tara. Yes she does. Willow wants to do a spell to conjure the Goddess Thespia who will locate demonic energy in the area. So, like, everywhere ’cause of Hellmouth, right? SOLVED IT!

Tara asks if they are ready for the Goddess Thespia spell, and Willow pooh-poohs the notion that they aren’t. Oh, Willow. Listen to Tara.

Sweeney: That’s general life advice for Willow.

Lor: Buffy goes to visit Willy the Snitch. She asks him about the Skewer Demon, and they put on a show of Buffy punching him before he gives up the information. Word on the street is that the Skewer Demon was apprehended by Buffy and the soldiers. She asks what he knows about the soldiers so OF COURSE that’s Riley’s cue to enter. Seriously, this fucking guy is always around. Riley swaggers in and admits he followed Buffy in case she needed help, but he thinks she’s socializing with demons, not hunting them. He starts shaking and sweating and threatening everyone. He even pulls a gun on a older person, who may or may not be human. Buffy talks him off that ledge, but he just keeps sweating and shaking. Riley wonders what’s happening to him, and here’s to hoping he’s dying!

K: My notes at this point say “Asshole Riley is an asshole,” so even though I’ve seen it before and know what happens, I’m on board with the whole hoping he’s dying thing.

Lor: After a Non-Commercial break, Riley and Buffy are sitting in bed at Xander’s basement and he’s still sweating and shaking, and also scratching his hand to the point of grossness. Buffy wraps his hand with her super useful head bandana and talks him into lying down.

On the other side of the bed sheet the Scoobies minus Willow are assembled. Buffy puts Giles and Anya on research duty, and is taking Xander with her to break into The Initiative, on account of his “military experience.”

K: Anya, bless her heart and common sense, is all “IT WAS ONE TIME TWO YEARS AGO!!!!” Thank you, on behalf of everyone ever.

Lor: Back at Tara’s (is this a dorm room? Because it is also apparently gigantic.) (K: Yep. Apparently we all should have gone to Contrivance U, because DAMN. Not only are the rooms enormous, but first years can get single rooms?!) Willow is explaining the spell, and I can’t follow because all I hear is “blowing,” on like a box and “mist” and “I want to jump your bones.” Tara and Willow say the incantation. Willow blows her portion of the powder, and Tara pretends to, but actually dumps her portion under the bed. Willow finishes the spell and opens her eyes to find that nothing has happened.

K: What up, foreshadowing? How’s tricks?

Lor: At the Abysmal Plot Arc Research Facility, Buffy finds that her clearance was never revoked. She’s dressed as a brainy scientist, so you know, a bun, glasses and a lab coat. Sydney Bristow has nothing on B. Xander is super impressed by APARF [Abysmal Plot Arc Research Facility] and says, “I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley too?” Well, you know. Balls.

K: We also learn that Xander doesn’t know the difference between rectal and retinal…

Lor: As they walk further into the APARF, they come across other soldiers.

Xander: Quick, pretend to make out with me!
Buffy: What!? What are you talking about?
Xander: Well, I, uh, you know, in the movies, the guy and the girl have to hide…
Buffy: Please! Could you possibly draw more attention to us? This is the Initiative, Xander. Military guys and scientists do not make out with each other.
Xander: Well, maybe that’s what’s wrong with the world. Ever think about that?

Anya totally had reason to worry about Xander on this mission.

At the Fruit Roll-Up Basement, Willow is telling Anya and Giles about the failed spell. Riley creeps up on the conversation and asks where Buffy is. He’s clearly lost his shit, and I get to hate him even more because he pushes Willow down to the floor as he escapes the basement. Also, Willow hits the floor and sort of stays down and never faces the camera again. By the looks of the gross red wig, it’s ’cause it’s a body double. I’m amused that I rarely spot the doubles during Buffy fight scenes, but Willow drops to the floor and I’m all, “FAKE!”

Back at APARF, the Brain Chip Scientist and another Chips for Brains Scientist are having a super convenient and loud conversation about the malfunctioning soldiers. Brain Chip says stuff about how all the soldiers are off their meds, and how they didn’t even know they were putting meds in their food! ‘Cause the soldiers always have lunch at APARF? Midnight snacks? Homemade brownies? IDK.

Spike goes to Willy the Snitch’s place and after whinging a bit, gets punched in the face by a demon we don’t really see.

K: He also tells Willy to give him O negative and not that gross cheap orangutan blood, which is kind of hilarious to me, because surely PEOPLE BLOOD IS CHEAPER THAN THE BLOOD OF AN ENDANGERED SPECIES?

Lor: People are delicious? I got nothing.

Buffy follows Brain Chip through a door and muscles him a bit while asking him questions. RILEY TURNS UP, GUYS. Did you see that coming? The part where he just wanders into every other fucking scene?

Sweeney: AND HILARIOUSLY, the security cameras are not working BECAUSE OF REASONS, and when Buffy’s all, “Huh?” Xander’s all, “Thank God for small favors and we’ll ask questions later,” because that’s the season-long philosophy.

Lor: Buffy talks some more, and the problem with this entire episode is that no one shuts up and they are all saying the same three basic things over and over again. Riley and Buffy get into a shoving match, and Riley claims that she must be doing something to make him so sweaty. Buffy insists that everything they need to know is right in the facility. Brain Chip awkwardly walks a few steps away in the background. That was weird blocking. Anyhow, they just need to know what was in room 314. A dead soldier body drops into the frame, and everyone looks up to find Adam saying, “me.”

Adam says he wanted to see the world, so he mutilated that little boy, but turns out the entire world is not housed inside a little boy. But, killing did make him feel something so now he wants to learn about himself, which is why he came back. And then he inserts a floppy disk into his chest? Because they included a hard drive somewhere in there?

K: Did no one think about obsolescence?!?! Seriously, people. You need to ensure your data is transferrable and readable in the future, not just in the present. </librarian-in-training PSA>

Lor: Adam lists off facts about himself that basically boil down to him being a human-demon-machine combo designed by Evil Bitch Monster, whom he called mother. EBM also kept a feelings-journal, and that’s how Adam found out that he has a job with The Initiative and also that EBM loved him.

Riley: She wasn’t your mother and she didn’t love you.
Xander: Is that really the issue?

God bless you Xander.

Riley keeps instigating, which prompts Adam to pull out Riley’s floppy disk from his pocket and insert it to his chest-puter, WITHOUT EVEN EJECTING THE OTHER DISK!!!!11

Adam tells Riley that Maggie made him too, by teaching him how to think and feeding him chemicals. Riley says he can’t be programmed and attacks, but Adam takes him down quickly. Buffy tries her best, and oh, hey. Stunt double with a slightly different bun than Buffy’s. Huh. I guess when the episode sucks, you notice more things like this. Adam skewers Riley and I cheer. He kills Brain Chip and I don’t care. He leaves and I’m happy only because the episode is almost over.

Initiative Bros, including Forrest, make it into the room. Buffy tells them about Adam, and Forrest doesn’t buy it, but Riley vouches for her story. B says she wants to go to the hospital with Riley but this makes Forrest VERY ANGRY. I’m pretty much done following that development. Forrest is a Buffy hater is all we really need to know.

Spike is thrown out of the demon bar, because word’s out that he’s been killing other demons with the Slayer. He can’t sit with them anymore.

Buffy and Willow provide the end of episode wrap-up. Adam is evil, Riley is gone and Buffy seems more concerned about the Riley part, because she needs to be with him, you guys. He’s alone and has nothing to hold on to.

Cut to Riley in a hospital bed, HOLDING ON TO the bandanna Buffy tied around his itchy-gross hand earlier in the episode. Get it?

 

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Faith  is awake and an episode is good again in S04 E15 – This Year’s Girl.