Previously: E. L. James stole character names from Beauty & the Beast, Grey displayed a new kink of making Ana hold in her pee, and we got a chapter-ending curbhanger as Ana was horrified by her own reflection. As she fucking should be.
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Sweeney: Someone mentioned in a comment how illogical these chapter-to-chapter not-cliffhangers are in this book, because it’s not like someone reading this book is going to wait in suspense for days. I’m only bringing it up now because I’m about 99% certain that this “writing” choice is most likely the product of the fact that this was originally Twilight fanfiction, where readers did have to wait for her next abysmal installment. Consider this your semi-regular reminder of that fact and also that the world is unfair.
My personal headcanon of Ana’s shock and horror upon looking in the mirror was an existential crisis of sorts, in which she realized what a tragedy it was that she exists. Or fictionally exists. The actual reason? Hickeys. Grey has covered Ana in hickeys so she will stop showing her boobs when he takes her to topless beaches. I suspect that this is sort of a callback to the bed-breaking-bruising sex in Breaking Dawn, and I am baffled by the fact that E. L. James managed to make that even more domestic-abusey, but she did. Covering your wife in hickeys so that she’ll be more subservient (but she’s totes not a submissive now, y’all!) is pretty fucking inappropriate.
Lorraine: Yeah, I’m pretty fucking appalled. She has hickeys all over her chest and her wrists and ankles are bruised from the handcuffs. And really, hickeys are just bruises. Amazingly, Ana didn’t even feel the hickeys. Why?
“I flush. The fact is I know exactly why – Mr. Orgasmic was using his fine-motor sexing skills on me.“
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. He was repeatedly sucking your skin hard enough to bruise. You felt it.
Sweeney: Or Grey has just bruised her so many times that she’s stopped feeling it. Wee, this book sure is fun!
Ana takes a break from being horrified by the hickeys and her apparent desensitization to abuse to note that aside from the fact that she’s just experienced the relationship equivalent of being pissed on like a fire hydrant, she’s started looking way hot since dating Christian Grey, because he just oozes so much hotness that it transfers through repeated exposure. (L: Also, she’s totally skinnier now too!)
Then she remembers that she’s married to Christian Grey and he did this because he’s terrifyingly possessive. Sorry, my words — she just says “control freak.” She’s pissed. Many chapters ago, when I was still naive enough to have hope, I might have thought that this would lead to a legitimate discussion about the serious issues in this relationship. LOL. Ana’s solution, direct quote: “I can behave like an adolescent, too!” We noticed.
She “stalks” out of the bathroom and puts PJs on. Grey asks her if she’s all right, and true to her inner monologue’s promise, she responds by throwing a hairbrush at him.
They go up to the deck of the boat and Grey’s all, “Oh, you’re mad, huh?” and when she says she’s violently angry, he’s kind of impressed by her rage. A character-appropriate detail that I find hilarious. These are the moments that I start to think that maybe this is just an elaborate joke. Ana rightly calls bullshit on Grey deciding that this was an acceptable way to respond to her going topless and Grey’s all, “Whateva, you won’t do that shit again.” Best relationship ever!
Lor: The best/worst part is that Ana doesn’t get too angry, because she’s afraid of what he’ll do.
“He’s not used to seeing me this mad. Can’t he see what he’s done? Can’t he see how ridiculous he is? I want to shout at him, but I refrain – I don’t want to push him too far. Heaven knows what he’d do.“
UH, I don’t know, hit you? Exact his revenge by physically harming you? OH. WAIT.
Sweeney: THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE, HUH? -_-
Then he’s all, “Ugh, fighting’s exhausting, so I’M SORRY,” because he’s already gotten his way so it doesn’t matter. Ana’s too stupid to recognize that so she accepts this apology and remembers that his therapist said that he’s got the emotional development of a child. I’m thinking soul-less child from that Angel episode. I can definitely see baby Grey giving murder eyes and lighting his house on fire for being slighted a few marshmallows.
Lor: A+. Also, sorry because I’m quoting all the the things but she notes that, “He does smell good, adolescent or not. How can I resist him?”
EW.
Sweeney: This disgusting pedobear alert is our cue that this little abusetastic hiccup has now been averted and they are both forgiven.
They eat dinner and Ana asks him about the hair braiding. Three books later and she finally noticed what a weird obsession it is. Grey says it’s to keep her hair from getting caught in anything and also kind of a habit. He gets really uncomfortable, probably because he realized that this is one more way that this you’re-totes-not-a-sub-except-for-the-part-where-you-are business is a little hazy. Ana decides not to make him explain and then Grey tells her that he loves her because of her disobedience. Ana’s all, “Huh. Weird. Man, this crème brulée is delicious!” rather than realizing the disturbing fact that he more or less just said that he loves her because he can justify punishing her. Cool.
Ana continues to ask some of our questions and wants to know what the deal is with the pee thing, and Grey says it’s because a full bladder means more intense orgasms. To each his own, I guess, but I’d really rather not associate urine with sex. At all. Also, this sounds like a recipe for wetting the bed, which would be the unsexiest.
They dance and it’s boring so they go to bed. I guess they have sex again, too, but since it’s violence-free sex, E. L. James doesn’t bother to write about it, so I’m spared. Ana wakes up the next morning and goes to the bathroom where Grey is naked-except-for-the-part-where-he’s-not and watches him shave. He jokes about shaving her again and this is our cue for another annoying time warp!
They’re in London, so this is already during the honeymoon, I assume. Grey had to go on a business meeting during their honeymoon, because the Empire of Domestic Violence Emporiums can’t run itself. Ana decided that while she was left alone in London, a city she’s never been to before, she should probably just stay in the hotel and shave her pubes.
She did it because when Grey was gone, she obviously needed to fill her time with a Grey-centric activity. One of Grey’s rules for his subs was keeping their vaginas groomed, because of this sexy arrangement in which your vagina has rules established by someone else. It also occurs to me, in the context of the hair braiding conversation earlier, that it could also be about hair catching in things and I’m really sorry I just shared that thought with you. We’re all in this traumatic boat together and that means that I can’t keep any of my gross thoughts to myself. I’ll be in the shame corner, drinking heavily.
Lor: AND DON’T YOU LEAVE UNTIL YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU’VE DONE.
Sweeney: I’M SORRY.
Ana decided that even though she couldn’t muster the lady balls to get a wax, this was something that Grey liked that she was willing to do for him. So she shaved. Vagina shaving is a tricky business, though, which is why she really should have just gotten it waxed. Grey came home and is all, “LOL, you missed some.” So he decides to shave it off for her. But not before her subconscious has a chance to “slam down her Complete Works of Charles Dickens, leap up from her armchair, and put her hands on her hips,” in protest. It’s not very effective, of course, because this is a fictional person inside of Ana’s head.
Ana puts up a vague protest, and Grey’s all, “After all the other awful things I’ve done to you, this is pretty much whatever.” Ana’s protest is hindered by her inability to say vagina or anything of the sort, so she mostly just bumbles awkwardly until Grey ultimately gets his way by telling her that the thought of shaving her pubes turns him on, so she sits back dumbly and allows it to happen, like everything else in their relationship.
Lor: Just apart from how this is another lesson in, “let your rich man do what he wants if it makes him happy even if you are uncomfortable with it,” he also shaves her pubes… on their bed. He lays down a towel, sure, but the bathroom is a few steps that-a-way, weirdos.
Sweeney: These two continue to be horrifyingly unsanitary.
He finishes shaving, fingers her, and we jump out of this stupid flashback. In the present day, Ana has just told Grey that she’ll get a wax in the future, which Grey doesn’t like because of the shaving turning him on and also because I think he’s also realized that someone else would look at Ana’s vagina if that happened, which is a thing that can never be allowed. But he’s totes joking this time, because of his long history with successful joking.
Ana decides that it’s her turn to shave him now, though she’s totally surprised that he lets her, because Grey allowing her to do anything at all is surprising. Inner Goddess feels the need to “limber up” for the occasion. When she takes the razor and does nothing more than shave him, Grey exhales with relief, and Ana’s all, “Oh, did you think I was going to murder your face off?” which is hilarious because IF ONLY.
Lor:
Sweeney: A+
Grey wants to go on a field trip that day to ruin another French town and buy some art. Ana’s terrified of buying art. We’re too far into the chapter for me to bother trying to understand the way Ana’s thoughts work. Grey mentions the architect who is designing their house and Ana makes a face because she hates the female architect who, because of her heterosexual femaleness, was all over Grey “like a rash.” Rather than answer him honestly when he asks why she’s making a face, she decides to say she’s hungry, because she knows that will distract him by putting him in crazy caretaker mode.
They go to Saint Paul de Vence, which Ana describes like she’s writing a tour guide for toddlers. I went to the city’s official tourism website, because that sounded way more fun than reading this chapter. Then I got really sad because it does seem like a lovely little place and it doesn’t deserve this association. Poor Saint Paul de Vence. Gaston-or-Philippe-Ana-can’t-be-bothered-to-know-the-difference is following them through town at a distance, probably sobbing to himself over the insult to his country that he’s currently witnessing.
They look at paintings and Ana sees paintings of peppers that she likes because they remind her of CHRISTIAN GREY chopping vegetables in her apartment. She’d like to put them in the kitchen of their new home, except that they are ZOMG expensive, which is Grey’s cue to jump in: “Oh, they’re expensive and the thought of such incredibly conspicuous consumption is making you uncomfortable? DONE.”
Later they’re having lunch and Grey decides to revisit the hair braiding and I approve because it begins with the words “The crack whore…” which is like the “Once upon a time” of the Fifty Shades universe. There’s not much more, unfortunately. Crack Whore used to let him play with her hair and it’s been a few pages since Grey reminded us that he has a ferocious Oedipus complex. Ana likes his Oedipus complex, though, so it’s all good! She says she likes him playing with her hair because she believes that he loved his mother.
Anyway, Grey doesn’t want to talk about it and we don’t do anything Grey doesn’t want to do, so they leave the restaurant and go for a walk.
Lor: Okay, Grey. We won’t mention the fact that you brought it up in the first place…
Sweeney: Non-demonic soulless children can’t be held accountable for their own actions like that, Lor.
He notices that Ana’s wrists are marked up from the punishment sex handcuffs, so he puts on a watch that he gave her in London that he, for some unknown reason, happened to have in his pocket at that moment. IDK.
It’s not quite enough, though, to cover her wrists and the visible proof that Christian Grey is an awful human being, so he goes into a jewelry shop and buys her an expensive bracelet to make everything all better. On the car ride back, he pulls her feet into his lap and puts up the privacy screen, making Ana think it’s for sexytimes, but it’s really just to inspect her ankles for marks. Ana doesn’t get what he big deal is, but Grey’s having an “I’m an awful person” moment. Not that it’s going to actually stop him from being an awful person or anything, he just wants to take a minute to acknowledge that he’s a psychopath.
Grey says that seeing visible evidence of his abuse makes him uncomfortable. Really rude of you, Ana, to let your skin show signs of your husband injuring you. Making this whole awful situation even worse, Ana now has to console him that it’s totally fine for him to abuse her. I hate them so much.
This horrifying “emotional” scene is interrupted by a work-related phone call. There was a fire in a Christian Grey Empire of Domestic Violence Emporiums server room. Nobody was hurt and the damage was minimal because of the contrivance fire resistance mechanisms he has in place, but err’body is tense because it was probably arson, but the arsonist probably missed the memo that Ana and Christian were out of the country. Try again later, friend.
“What next?” asks Ana’s inner monologue. This is the horrifying question we get to ask every week.
Murmur Count – 11
Whisper Count – 13
Favorite comment last post: “It also looks like Ana is 5 years old or something, being scolded while getting her hair brushed, which is our required quota of strange children reference during sex.” – Polge Clément
Next time on Fifty Shades Darker: I’m not actually going to read ahead, but I predict that we wrap this arsonist situation up in under five pages. Place your bets, Traumateers, and find out next week in Chapter 4.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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