Previously: There was a fight with an actual flaming sword and someone was resurrected. Another day in Westeros.
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The Climb
Sweeney: The sometimes-useful-for-Lor-but-always-an-evil-lying-liar-to-me-credits show us King’s Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Still-Depressingly-On-Fire-Winterfell, The Wall, and Yunkai. You can assume that the honesty of the credits is directly related to the Snark Lady doing the week’s recap.
Samwell is attempting to light a fire for Gilly, but she’s all LOL, you don’t know what you’re doing and I do. I give no shits about either of them and they have nothing to really talk about, especially once Gilly realizes that Sam’s lack of ability to do much of anything is the product of his being highborn. He tries to impress her with that knife he found forever ago. The scene is sufficiently awkward for me to drop this gif that I have been holding onto for what feels like forever, waiting for such an awkward moment. This isn’t really that moment, I’m just bored and dismayed that Cassie turned into Gilly. So here, that awkward moment when Gilly slept with Gendry:
They talk about The Wall and Sam sings a song. Blah blah blah.
Lorraine: I am confused by how not-hot Gendry looks in that gif. Westeros looks better on him. I am further confused by what Sam and Gilly’s purpose is. I’m glad I’m not the only one finding it hard to give shits about them. Given all the misery that’s about to go down, though, I guess alone in the woods and singing songs is about as happy as we’ll get this episode.
Sweeney: A fair point, and maybe that’s their problem? I’m not sure. Also, yes, Westeros has done wonders for him.
Elsewhere, Osha is giving Meera shit for her rabbit skinning skillz, but Meera is equal to that, calling Osha out for her inferior hunting. Bran wants Osha to stop egging on the awesome Katniss-Everdeen-esque girl, because all the in-fighting is going to keep them from ever making it to the wall. Meera makes nice, though Osha reluctantly follows suit.
Lor: This calls back to little lord Bran presiding over the people. He’s really had to grow up so much, so fast.
Sweeney: This is interrupted by Jojen, who was sleeping, and is now having a seizure. Meera goes to help him, because this is apparently a side effect of the visions. Jojen wakes up and says he saw Jon Snow on the wrong side of the wall, surrounded by enemies.
Segue magic to Jon Snow and Wildlings preparing to scale The Wall. Jon is nervous, but Ygritte is excited because she’s waited her whole life to see the world from the top of the wall. Then Ygritte starts talking about this guy she was once with, who didn’t treat her as well as the chivalrous Jon Snow and also couldn’t do that thing he does with his tongue. After two and a half seasons of making us sad for his celibacy, the show is now just taunting us.
Ygritte then says that she knows that Jon Snow didn’t really join them, because he’s too loyal and true for that. She adds, though, that he’ll be loyal to her and while The Night’s Watch gives no shits about him and the Wildlings give no shits about her, they are now bound to care about each other.
Lor: When you say it it almost seems normal but when she said it it was clingy and pretty creepy.
Sweeney: Sorry, I did not mean to diminish the creep factor.
Out in the woods, Arya’s doing target practice on a straw man, chanting the names on her death list as she goes. One of the Brotherhood guys is now correcting her, and rightly pointing out her arrogance. It reminds me a bit of the Stark family shooting lessons that started the series, meaning that this random nothing scene gave me all the feels.
They cut the Valyrian and he asks her why she’s there. Segue magic to a cave and our good One Eyed friend Berric Donarrion (people with a history of resurrection are slightly more memorable) is surprised to see Creepy Red, due to the general lack of ladies in their daily activities. Creepy Red is stunned by all the times Berric has been brought back and is pissed that the drunk guy was able to do this so many times. I guess this is more legit than dementor birthing? I like the drunk way better, but Creepy Red should probably calm her pride, because that dementor baby is still among the more horrifying events of the series.
Lor: Yeah, but but as far as useful tricks go, birthing shadow assassins seems a little labor intensive (pun not intended).
Sweeney: True. That took way more time/effort than the resurrection seemed to. Plus, Drunk Priest is cool, whereas nobody likes her.
Anyway, Drunk Priest begins to explain how he was wicked drunk and desperately praying over his dead friend when all of a sudden The Lord of Light turned out to be legit, much to his surprise. That made him a proper convert. To the point: Creepy Red is there because they have someone she needs for her inferior magics.
Segue magic to Gendry chatting about blacksmith stuff with Arya’s archery tutor. Arya spots Creepy Red and tells them she doesn’t like her because Arya has good instincts. Archery Tutor pervs that this is only because she’s female. It’s true, many of us women are biased against other women who birth dementors. I want to let this go, because I know I’ve hit the point of excessive commenting on something that happened last season, BUT I CAN’T.
Anyway, Arya acquires a new reason to hate Creepy Red, one that Gendry will +1: men seize Gendry and Creepy Red hands Berric bags of gold, as he tries to insist that he’s doing this for his god. Arya calls bullshit and the Drunk Priest insists that it’s about both The Lord of Light and the fact that weapons cost money. Mmkay. Gendry is super upset because they said they were a brotherhood and he’d already started making friendship bracelets. As Gendry is being handcuffed, Creepy Red tells him that it’s NBD because he’s a big deal.
Arya rages out at Creepy Red, who responds in predictably creepy fashion, telling that she can see the eyes of all the people Arya’s going to kill and also that they will meet again. Creepy Red rides off with Gendry imprisoned in the back of her wagon. At no point does she correct Arya’s claim that she’s going to kill Gendry, though, and that gives me the sads
Lor: I remember in the early days of the introduction of the character, we were discussing her specific level of creepy. This was of course pre-dementor. You said something along the lines of how she was creepy in her own right, but isolated. The prospect of her finally interacting with other characters was wigging you, AND YOU WERE SO RIGHT. SHE TOOK GENDRY.
Also, it’s interesting that it’s said in so many words that Arya is really getting darker. I mean, fair, when you lose your entire family, but you can’t spend days in and out chanting kill lists and not experience a little soul darkening.
Sweeney: I only vaguely remember that BUT YES, I WAS RIGHT.
We get a really long shot of The Wall, because Jon’s story was getting interesting, so we needed to bring it back down to the I Don’t Give A Fuck factor of his fellow men of the Night’s Watch. Then they start climbing, which is actually really terrifying looking, but there’s not a whole lot say about climbing a wall as a plot point.
Cut to Theon’s torture chamber and I’m preemptively afraid to look, because Lorraine warned me that I would be recapping a torture scene. I imagine the torture scene happened and her “I don’t want to look” reaction was to take to Twitter and tweet at me: “YOU HAVE TO LOOK THIS TIME.” (L: Accurate. Hate torture porn.) (S: Ditto.) Anyway, the Not-So Rescuing Bastard dumps out some water because Theon’s horribly dehydrated. Then he gets up to debate which body part to chop off, because the show has lately gotten pretty big on making someone lose a body part each episode. Theon promises to tell him everything, but Rescuing Bastard reminds him of the fact that Theon already admitted to everything before being led back into the torture chamber. IF, however, Theon can guess why he’s there and who the Rescuing Bastard is, RB promises to tell him. Theon asks if he’ll also be let free and RB’s all, “If you think this has a happy ending, you haven’t been paying attention” to Game of Thrones. The entire series.
As Rescuing Bastard starts choping at Theon’s pinky, Theon starts shouting out guesses. He eventually guesses that RB is the son of Rickard Karstark, and Rescuing Bastard says that Theon wins and sits down. End scene. JK, of course. Rescuing Bastard is all, “Yeah, but you never asked if I was a liar, AND I AM!” and chops the shit out of Theon’s finger and then I looked away.
Robb is meeting with two of Lord Frey’s men, who came to say that Robb can be forgiven if he apologies, gives them Harrenhal at the war’s end, and also if Edmure Tully marries one of his daughters. Edmure’s all FUCK THAT, but it’s a necessary condition for maintaining the alliance, so Robb excuses the two messengers so they can all chat it out. Robb won’t make him, but he does lay the guilt on pretty heavy, reminding him of his recent fuck up — a fuck up which began the chain of events that ended in Robb killing Lord Karstark for the sake of making a stupid point about honor. That last part is on Robb, not Edmure, and I’m still trying to figure out a way to blame Talisa for Karstark’s death too, but that’s not the point.
The point is that Robb has “won every battle, but [he’s] losing this war,” and Frey’s been after Edmure to marry one of his daughters forevah, so the guilt trip works. I say we just murder Talisa and make Robb marry one of Frey’s daughters after all.
Lor: This scene made me even more frustrated with Robb. First, he’s demanding something of Edmure that he himself couldn’t complete. And worse, because Edmure won’t have his choice of wife. Second, he brings up Edmure’s fuck up, WHICH HELLO. YOUR NAME IS ROBB FUCKING EVERYTHING UP STARK. Third, yeah, you are losing the war because are fucking things up.
Sweeney: Agreed to all of the above.
Jumping from one from sadpanda place to another, Jaime is trying to cut his food while Brienne is looking super uncomfortable in a stupidly frilly Barbie pink gown. When Brienne sticks her fork in his food so that he can cut it, he’s able to come back to his usual cocky self and agree with Lord Bolton’s assessment that he should be sending them both back to Robb Stark. However, Bolton knows who will pay the most for the Kingslayer’s head. He’s going to allow Jaime to go to King’s Landing, as long as Jaime agrees to tell his father the truth — that Bolton had nothing to do with the severed limb situation. Brienne, however, isn’t allowed to join, what with her aiding and abetting treason. Also, more importantly, Brienne is headed to King’s Landing to secure a preexisting deal for Jaime, a fact which would directly interfere with Bolton’s endgame.
Lor: Bolton has a great line here as Jaime tries to insist that Brienne go with him. Bolton warns him not to overplay his… position.
Sweeney: Grandma Flowerboss is meeting with Tywin to chat about potential nuptials and I’m SO ready for Tywin to get a Flowerboss verbal takedown. She starts the scene telling Tywin that her grandson is beloved by everyone and Tywin tries to interject about Cersei being rich and the mother of the king, but Grandma Flowerboss is all “LOL, she’s old, bro. I know old.” Then she adds that menopause is about to creep on Cersei. LOL. Tywin tries to counter with the fact that Loras is gay, but Flowerboss is unphased – “a sword-swallower through-and-through.” I DIED. She’s the best forever.
She goes on to say that homosexuality is pretty normal, particularly when you have men surrounded only by other men (A REALLY COMMON THING AROUND HERE) but you know what’s not normal? INCEST. Tywin loses his cool. It’s so awesome to watch her sit back and laugh as she so easily unhinges him.
Tywin’s all, “But if the incest rumors are true, then you’re throwing away your magic flower to an unkingly gross incest baby!” and Flowerboss doesn’t see why that means she should give up the other to a crypt-keeper womb that already spent all of its eggs on incest. Unfortunately, Tywin has another high card in his hand: either Flowerboss consents, or Tywin orders Loras to the King’s Guard. Either way, his marriage to Sansa is prevented. I knew it couldn’t work out for Sansa, but couldn’t she have had at least, like, a week of shit being fake good? Not even that? Really?
Anyway, Flowerboss is impressed. She agrees. It’s worth noting that even in defeat, she’s still super fucking cool.
Lor: Also, I’d like to think this is more of a “you won this round.” I think it’s interesting that the Tyrells are more important to the Lannisters than the Lannisters are to them. The Tyrells hold all of the practical power (food, riches, soldiers) but the Lannisters hold all of the actual power. Basically, Tywin won because he is the Hand of the King. Olenna won because she is AWESOME.
Sweeney: And in my heart, AWESOME wins the war. I hope. Oh god, who have I just jinxed now?
At The Wall, the climbing is going really poorly, what with this wall being made entirely of ice. The chunk of wall Ygritte sticks her climbing utility thing into breaks. She and Jon are left dangling and it’s decided that they must be cut loose. Jon manages to swing and catch onto the wall elsewhere, just in time to save himself and Ygritte. Once he rescues her, she immediately gets back to climbing as the other Wildlings are all, “Oooh. Interesting,” what with them now being literally bound to nobody but each other. Nice foreshadowing, Ygritte.
Back in King’s Landing, Sansa’s happiness clock ticks away. She is complimenting Loras’s pin, and he’s awkwardly trying to pretend he’s all giddy like she is. He has dreamed of large weddings forever and likes talking about pins. Oh, and brides too, I guess. He talks about a beautiful bride and then starts gushing about beautiful gowns. He sympathizes with her hatred of King’s Landing, adding that it’s the most terrible place there is. And he doesn’t even know how much worse it’s going to be.
Sweeney: Tyrion and Cersei are wondering if there is a way out of their arranged marriages, and Tyrion adds that he’s not sure who is getting screwed over the most. He bets Sansa, but that’s because Sansa’s always the safest bet in that race. He adds that this is Cersei’s fault, but she won’t apologize, since the Tyrell’s were plotting to undermine their family. While she should have seen this coming, she was also right about the power the Tyrell’s would wield if this worked. Sansa really might turn out to be the key to the north, and Margaery is — regardless of this — the only person capable of controlling Joffrey. Her real fault here was the glee she took in knowing that Tyrion’s (and Sansa’s!) suffering would be key to the solution.
In continuing being-right-about-this-awful-situation-ness, Tyrion points out that he is her family and has done a whole lot to protect the family. Cersei does actually admit that Tyrion’s trick with the wildfire saved them all. He asks her directly if she ordered the hit on him and while she doesn’t admit it, her silence says it all: it was Joffrey’s call, because of all those awesome slaps. You know what we haven’t had in a while? A gratuitous Joffrey-slap-gif session!
Anyway, Cersei says that Tyrion shouldn’t be afraid of Joffrey now that Tywin’s here and Margaery is actually in control. It’s probably just residual feels over her own shit situation, but there’s even a hint of emotion as she asks who is going to be the one to tell Sansa.
Sansa’s still in sad reality #1, looking in the mirror with Shae and talking about what pretty wedding looks Loras would like. Just in case we needed more reminders of what an epic sob story Sansa is living, she asks Shae if they’ll let her invite her family and no, probably not. Tyrion arrives, asking to speak to Sansa alone, putting Shae on attack dog high alert and it’s awesome. I mean, not awesome, because this scene is ultimately sad for Shae, too. Ugh. DAMNIT, SHOW. THE FEELS. THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE TO HAVE THEM FOR.
Tyrion tells them both that sometimes we want to hear things and only afterwards do we wish we’d gotten to hear them under entirely different circumstances. Sansa insists it’s fine, and Shae’s not budging. Oof. Ladies. Hugs. He tried. He closes the door and points out the awkwardness of the situation.
Back in the throne room, it’s time for another awkward minion chat between Varys and Littlefinger, they chat about the degree of discomfort of the throne — Littlefinger has counted the number of swords in the chair, because he’s crazy. They banter a bit, before Littlefinger moves on to revealing that he knows that Ros is the one who sold him out. Littlefinger isn’t worried, though, because he knows Christian Grey. My heart hurts for her too, now. Varys hurts too, but he did what he had to do for the realm.
Littlefinger gives no fucks about the realm, and gives a speech about chaos being a ladder that sometimes breaks people who try to climb it. This means it’s time to give out our gold star! “Only the ladder is real; the climb is all there is.” Hooray for you Littlefinger. Except not. I was fully prepared to make a Miley Cyrus joke when this time came, but shit’s getting too real for that right now. I mean, here’s your stupid star or whatever:
His speech begins as the music swells and we cut to Joffrey, who of course turns out to be Littlefinger’s Christian Grey. Ros is strung up, with arrows through her, dead. The long shot of her dead body is harder to look at than Theon’s torture scene. Littlefinger continues by saying that some who are given the chance to climb refuse, which is said while Sansa sobs and watches a ship sail off.
(2) – The way that Ros is shot in multiple places is super evocative of the way Arya shot up her straw target earlier in the episode. And I know I originally said that a darker side of Arya was expected, but not this dark.
(3) – The whole “lulled” thing also applies to Sansa. Though whole story line has been about tragedy, she’s been in a sort of feelings limbo since she was released from her marriage to Joffrey. Tyrion will be a good husband to her, but she’s heartbroken once again. Poor girl
(4) – Littlefinger won this round, but Varys has proven he knows how to play the long game. This also recalls Arya’s earlier target practice scene, as one of the Brotherhood bros mentioned that she got her target just fine, but took too long to do so. It’s all in the endgame, though. Or, you know, “the climb.”
Sweeney: (1) RIGHT? I had kind of forgotten what a psycho he is. (2) I had not made that connection, so um, thanks. (3) With Sansa, this reminds us (and most importantly, her) that she is forever at the mercy of those around her. She has no real choices in King’s Landing. Leaving with The Hound probably would have been her best play, though I understand why the prospect scared her. It’s not just that she had to go from pretty Loras to Tyrion, it’s that Loras was the first thing that she’d had presented to her as an actual option, a thing she wanted, since Ned died. However good Tyrion might be to her, she’s getting married off as a prisoner. Regardless of how little say brides may often to have in these marriages, wedded as a prisoner is a grim place for a lady of Winterfell to find herself. (4) Word. Varys is a survivor.
Anyway, all Littlefinger’s talk of climbing segue magics us to the wall, where Ygritte and Jon are reaching the top. She looks out at the snowy tundra in awe, so Jon’s all, “Nah, come check this out,” and they go look at the much more appealing view of Westeros on the other side. Then they kiss as we pan out and the credits roll, surprisingly without any incongruous music.
There were a lot of really awesome #gameofsnark tweets, so you should check them all out; this box is capped by my own laziness in assembling it:
Next time on Game of Thrones: Known badasses Arya and Jaime are both being forced to part ways with their friends(?) Let’s see how that decision works out for everyone. Also, the preview has dragons. See more dragons on S03 E07 – The Bear and the Maiden Fair
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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