Pretty Little Liars S01 E01 – Everyone’s a Murderer

When our good friend and Snark Squad founder Sara suggested covering Pretty Little Liars, we jumped at the idea. It’d long been on our Spreadsheet-O-Dreams, mostly because it’s not fantasy, and there is no chance a vampire or dragon will show up. (We think.) We’re happy to have her back and launch this project, so please welcome Sara and let’s all enjoy the ride, shall we?


Sara: We open up in a barn with four obnoxiously gorgeous girls and 3oh!3’s “Don’t Trust the Girl” playing in the background, which is a pretty suitable song choice. When the power goes out, the sleepover party gets a little freaked, especially when they hear a noise outside. They get up to go Nancy Drew the situation when the door creaks open, and OH FUCK! ….Wait, no, it’s just a fifth gorgeous girl, Alison. If only one of the Pretty Little Liars had hit her with a bat or something, right? Then I guess we’d just be watching Pretty Little Girls Who Are Kind of Boring and Don’t Do Much and Nothing Murdery Ever Happens, and that title doesn’t have the same ring to it.


Alison DiLaurentis

Lorraine: I think EL James wrote that book about just one girl and called it Fifty Shades of Grey. Maybe this show lost out on it’s real chance.

Sweeney: Think about the scriptwriting guides they could be selling now!

Sara: Alison laughs about freaking them all out, and struts in like she owns the place. It’s pretty apparent from the start that she’s the HBIC, as the other girls are following her around and directing all of their attention to her. She takes her first cuntpunch! at Emily, the Athletic Spice of the PLLs:

Emily:  I am loving Beyonce’s new video.
Alison:  Maybe a little too much, Em. *pointed look* *ahem* *because of how you’re a lesbian and all*

Emily makes an awkward face, and Aria, the Offbeat Hipster Spice, seems to be the only one who notices a drivebycuntpunch! just happened. (S: We know she’s offbeat and EDGY because she has pink streaks in her hair like only EDGY girls do.) Aria decides to ignore that feeling by guzzling some more alcohol. (L: Unidentified alcohol. Roofies, girl.) Spencer, the Scholarly Spice, warns her not to drink too much. The more you drink, the more likely your secrets are to come out and play.

Alison:  Friends share secrets. That’s what keeps us close.

Secrets, secrets are no fun. Unless your name is Alison, and you use them to ruin everyone.

Sweeney: Snark Squad Poetry. We’re working on a coffee table book.

Sara: A few hours later, Aria wakes up (as if from a shampoo commercial) and notices both Alison and Spencer missing. She wakes the other girls, and as they’re walking outside to investigate the shit out of things, Spencer shows up in the doorway. She went to find Alison because she heard a scream. Let’s also note that Spence looks a little cray right now.

Spencer Hastings

Spencer Hastings

Aria puts her Big Eyes on, and we fade away to black.



Aria is checking herself out in a mirror (#WakefieldStyle) when Piper from Charmed her mom walks in.

Sweeney: No strikeout needed because I refuse to call her anything other than Piper. Related: 

Sara: Apparently, they’ve moved back to Rosewood after a year of being gone for her father’s “I cheated on my wife and needed to get away from the evidence before she finds out” sabbatical. I’m pretty sure that’s what he wrote on the form and everything. They’ve moved back just in time for the one-year anniversary of Alison’s disappearance, so apparently she was never seen again after that night in the barn, because probably Spencer killed her or something.

Lor: So, in Game of Thrones we guess everyone is going to die. In Fifty Shades we hope everyone is going to die. In Pretty Little Liars we are officially going to guess that everyone killed Alison. Enjoy!

Sweeney: YAY DETECTING! I wonder if PLL [Pretty Little Liars] will have a helpful zoomy camera to aid in our detecting…

Sara: Aria’s mom encourages her to call the other PLLs, because they used to be such good friends. Luckily, Aria escapes the conversation by offering to drop her brother off at lacrosse practice. Lacrosse? Damn, Rosewood is classy.

Before she leaves, her dad pulls her aside and says that coming home brings back memories, except he says it in this weird spooky way like a lunatic. Aria assures him that she’s still keeping his Secret. Ooooh! The secrets are beginning already! Probably he killed Alison! Mystery solved, we can all go home now!

Aria Montgomery

Aria Montgomery

After Aria drops her brother off at lacrosse practice, she decides to grab something to eat. Aaaaaand apparently it’s at a bar? What? This girl has the face of a newborn infant, but somehow she is just sitting right there at a bar, grabbing dinner, and nobody is noticing.

Lor: Her face seriously looks like the love child of a Gerber baby and the Crimson Chin. Like in a good way.

Sweeney: A+ also, it’s already clear that this show has the perfect level of “BECAUSE OF REASONS” for us.

Sara: Well, nobody but the hot guy sitting to her right notices her. He strikes up a conversation and it’s pretty douchey from the start with Aria telling him, “I’m a bit jet lagged. I just got back from Europe.” That’s just so Aria. The hot guy tells her that he’s just started a new teaching job, and Aria Big Eyes her way through the conversation and somehow skirts around the whole “You are sexual predatorying me right now because I’m 16 years old” issue.

I’d like to note that Hot Guy is doing absolutely nothing wrong in this scene, because Aria implied that she was of a doable age. But still. Guys and girls, if a potential sex partner has the face of a puppy, probably you should ask for ID.

Sweeney: TV teaches us so many useful things! Also, I laughed a lot when he commented on how smart she is, after their 15 second conversation. Grey tells Ana how smart she is all the time too.

Sara: They both want to get to know each other better, and next thing you know, they are in the bar bathroom (ew!) getting to know each other dry hump style. She’s sitting on the bathroom counter! Ew ew ew! I mean, I understand that Aria is like the size of a very tiny doll and probably having sex with a tall guy would be difficult to do standing up, but still. Ew!


Lor: I wanted to excuse Aria by saying she isn’t old enough to know about bar bathrooms yet, BUT THAT MAKES THIS CREEPIER.

Sara: Roll Credits! It looks like Alison’s body being prepared for the funeral. It sounds a lot grosser than it is really. At the end, we see our four gorgeous little liars, and Aria does her famous Big Eyed Shh!

Sweeney: Based on my newly established belief that opening credits tell lies, I interpret this to mean that Alison is not dead and also that Aria will be really bad at being quiet.


Hanna Marin

Hanna Marin

Sara: Hanna, the formerly Chunky Spice who is now Fabulous Spice, is shopping at a very expensive mall when she sees Spencer. They talk, and it seems like they haven’t spoken in a while. Spencer is shopping for something to wear to her “meeting her sister’s new doctorfiancee” dinner, and Hanna encourages her to let the girls out for some attention stealing.

Speaking of stealing, when Hanna leaves, she walks out with the sunglasses she was trying on. Oh no! She forgot to pay for them! LOL. Nope, kidding, she’s just one of those rich girls who steals things for the rush. She almost gets busted by the security officer, but makes it away unscathed. She meets up outside with her friend, who stole herself a very lovely scarf. Pretty Little Thieves Who Are Making Prices Go Up For the Rest of Us In Order to Cover Your Damn Thievery.

Lor: And those $350 may have just come out of that sales guy’s paycheck. MEAN.


Aria’s dad drops her off at school and before she gets out, he assures her that he loves both Aria and her mother and that his mistake will haunt him for the rest of his life. He only hopes that one day, Aria can forgive him. She hopes the same because of how she totally hasn’t forgiven him yet, and travels into a flashback:

Alison and Aria are running down the street, away from Mona, Hanna’s scarf stealing friend from the mall. She’s nerdy in this flashback, but not THAT bad, right? Or maybe I was just such a nerd in middle school that what I wore was far more tragic than this. #nerdconfessions


Lor: But she has PIGTAILS! And PINS IN HER HAIR! 

Sweeney: And glasses. She’s All That Rule. Totally undoable and nerdy until she wears her hair down and gets contacts. Duh.

Sara: Alison and Aria turn the corner and see Aria’s dad’s car parked in some bushes. Like seriously, it is parked right up in some bushes. Also, it can’t be all that discrete a spot if Aria is walking around her neighborhood and finds it, right? They see him kissing some blonde woman who is most definitely not Piper from Charmed. End flashback.

Aria runs into Emily on the way into school, and she’s shocked to see how not chubby Hanna is looking now because this show really, really wants to make sure we understand. HANNA IS NOT WEARING A FAT SUIT ANYMORE YOU GUYS. SHE IS POPULAR NOW. Emily tells Aria that Hanna and Mona are the new It Girls, and Hanna gives them an awesome fuck you wave. Excuse me while I go practice this wave to give to everyone I hate (read:  all people).


Emily has heard that they have a hot new teacher for English this year, and UM YEP. I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING. Next thing you know, in walks Ezra Fitz, aka their new English teacher, aka Aria’s bathroom dry hump buddy. He looks up, sees Aria, and says, “Holy crap.” I’m not even sure what my suspicions would be if I were a student in that class who knew nothing. “Is he blown away by the size of Aria’s eyeballs? Is he beyond impressed by that bitchy wave Hanna just threw out? Did he dry hump Aria in some bar last weekend?”

Aria Big Eyes as her phone goes off. When she pulls it out of her backpack, there’s a message from an unknown number.




Emily Fields


Emily goes across the street to Alison’s old house, because new people are moving in. She’s a little upset about Ali’s parents selling the house, but her mom asked her to bring a basket of rich, fancy people foods over. While there, she meets Maya St. Germain, who makes nice and asks for help bringing boxes in.

Emily and Maya start talking to each other, and none of the words are really important because the I REALLY WANT TO JUMP YOUR BONES RIGHT NOW vibes are through the roof in this scene. Maya lights up a joint and asks Emily if she wants to join. She likes the idea of corrupting Emily by smoking weed with her for the first time. Sweet angelic Emily smoking weed! That’s a gateway drug, girl. TO LESBIANISM. Or something.

Lor: I don’t know. I think her gate has been way open to lesbianism before this.


Sara: Spencer’s sister, Melissa, is back home and admiring the barn that Spencer has been transforming into an awesome little studio apartment for herself. Her parents said that if her grades were good, she could move into it junior year. I cannot stop thinking about all the horrible, horrible things I would have done with my own space like that at 16, but I’m not Spencer Hastings who will probably just host study parties and book club meetings, maybe even have a classy wine tasting if she’s feeling crazy.

We learn that Melissa is an uberbitch right from the start because she tells Spencer that the barn is hers until her apartment is finished being remodeled. She’ll be staying there with Wren, her doctorfiancee. Spencer argues that she worked her ass off for that space, but Melissa shuts that shit down pretty quickly in that way that only rich people can pull off.

Sweeney: Fictional character injustice is one of my greatest epic first world problems. I mean, it’s not quite as epic as Spencer’s problem of being a 16 year old who is prevented from moving into a space that is separate from her wealthy her parents who will otherwise provide for her, but, you know, it’s up there.

Sara: Later that night, Wren is outside taking a smoke when Spencer sees him. They get their flirt on a little, and I can tell on account of all the eyebrow waggling going on between these two. Seriously, they look like cartoon characters. He apologizes for them jacking the loft, but Spencer says it isn’t his fault; her sister is just a raging asshole bitch. They waggle their eyebrows a few more times and head inside for dinner.

Lor: If there were a bar bathroom nearby, they’d be dry humping inside of it.


Sara: Ezra is working at his desk when Aria walks in and tries to ‘soooooo can we still…’ but Ezra is like SKKRT. LOL. No. Bye, small child.

Sweeney: And also hopefully feeling mega skeevy. LOLJK, he’s probably not.

Sara: Although Aria is really embarrassing herself and basically getting broken up with after a one night dry hump, she does earn the first Oh Snap Girl! Award for her very cute ensemble. Two snaps for you, girl! Rest assured, though:  She will earn many, many WTF Girl Awards in the future.


Sweeney: He does the OMG YOU’RE TOTES THE BEST EVER thing again, though, which is now not only funny but also gross. Given that all they did was hook up in a bar bathroom, the only thing he knows now is that he’s indulging this pedobear situation.


Sara: Emily and Maya are walking home together and practically holding hands. When they get to Maya’s house, they go to kiss each other’s cheeks but kind of end up kissing the sides of each other mouths which is weird and not really sexual, but the Piano of Sex is playing up a storm, so that comment earlier from Alison makes a lot more sense now.


Lor: Uh, plus you keep telling us she’s a lesbian, Sara. You’re the real A around here. 

Sweeney: Truth.

Sara: The next day at school, Emily finds a note in her locker:



Emily freaks and shoves the note back in her locker. Ruh roh!

Spencer is getting a drink out of the fridge, looking fly in a bikini, when Wren walks in from outside, looking equally fly in swim trunks. He asks Spencer if she has a towel, and the only one she has is on her shoulder, so she throws him that one and HELLO half naked Spencer. They look each other up and down, and DANGER. DANGER WILL ROBINSON.

JFC, there are a lot of child predators in this show already.

Sweeney: LIKE A LOT. Mr Creepy Collins would love Roseweood.


Sara: Spencer’s shoulder is hurting her, so Wren offers to massage it, you know, since he’s a doctor and all. They jump apart when Melissa walks in, so obvis they were having boner type feelings.


Later that night, she sees Wren and Melissa having a kissy moment outside when her email goes off.


Lor: New mail from

Sara: Spencer Big Eyes us into a flashback:  The PLLs plus Alison are standing in Spencer’s kitchen when Melissa and her flashback boyfriend walk in.

Alison stops them to ask Spencer if she has anything to tell Melissa. hinthint. Spencer pulls Ali outside to tell her to stfu and if she tells anyone about that one time when Spencer kissed Melissa’s boyfriend, she’ll tell everyone about The Jenna Thing and also maybe murder her because Spencer is the one who killed Alison, you guys! Damn, I’m good at this. Alison temper tantrums off with an evil look on her face like the Pretty Little Snitchin’ on All Her Friends Liar she is.


In the present, Hanna and her mother are eating dinner (which is just salad, which doesn’t count at all in Saraworld) when the cops show up to arrest Hanna for being a sunglasses thief. They take her down to the station and she sits outside while her mom flirts with the cop (Detective Wilden) (S: Josh from Popular!) who arrested her. When she reaches for a handful of M&Ms, her phone goes off.


You know, I kind of wish I had A to follow me around and comment on all of my food choices. It would be like The Biggest Loser, except A would be way meaner than Jillian Michaels ever could.


When you’re in your gym clothes, but you aren’t actually going to the gym…


Lor: Sign. me. up.

Sweeney: +1

Sara: Hanna’s mom comes out of the office a moment later and rushes her out of the police station. She tells Hanna to drop it, never do it again, and that she’s taking care of it. She goes on to say that if Hanna is trying to get her dad’s attention by doing these things, it isn’t going to work. Dad left, and he isn’t coming back. Whomp.


Emily is walking home when she sees cop cars and ambulances in front of Alison’s old house. She finds Maya, who tells her that the police found Alison’s body. The other PLLs happen to be there also, and they discuss keeping The Jenna Thing quiet because they promised never to share that secret and probably because they all killed Alison! And Jenna, whoever the fuck she is! So easy.

Hanna is at home watching news coverage on Alison, when her mother comes home, making out pretty heavy with the cop who arrested Hanna. She pulls him upstairs and looks at Hanna with I’m Prostituting Myself For You eyes. Whoa. Talk about Ruined For Life, man.

Lor: I never even knew those eyes existed. They do, though.

Sara: A few days later, the girls all gather at Alison’s funeral. Aria meets up with Ezra and gets all bratty about him saying they can’t see each other on account of it being illegal and immoral. She tells him off and goes to walk away, and even though these two kind of gross me out, when he grabs her and pulls her back for a kiss, I swoon a little.

Lor: Nope.

Sweeney: No swooning, just cringing.

Sara: The girls, looking fabulous, all sit together in the church. When Aria’s phone goes off, everyone gets a little twitchy and they figure out that they’ve all received a message from A. Before they have time to Big Eye over that revelation, they turn around and see a blind girl walking in. They all get twitchy again, and apparently the blind girl is Jenna, of The Jenna Thing fame. So they did not actually murder her. Yet.

After the funeral, Detective Wilden approaches the girls and says all of their names, and it’s kind of awkward, like the show just wanted to make sure we were super clear on which Pretty Little Liar was which. Or maybe Wilden is just a creepy fuck who likes to do things like that. He tells them that he’s going to be investigating the shit out of them in relation to Alison’s death, and this is all so weird, right? They’re like 16 years old and this guy is stalking their lives right now and is all YOU WILL GO TO JAIL LITTLE GIRLS MUAHAHA.

Sweeney: Way weird. The pedobear factor in this town makes it that much creepier.

Sara: When he walks away, all four PLL phones go off at once.


Lor: I like how they read it perfectly in unison. I’ve got to get my friends together and practice our unison reading skills.

Sweeney: Agreed. That’s a really important friend skill.



Next time on Pretty Little Liars: We find out what The Jenna Thing is and if it involves murdering Jenna in S01 E02 – The Jenna Thing.

Sara (all posts)

I'm a married old lady of 25 who is currently pregnant and eating all the things. ALL THE THINGS. I work full time and consider myself "in between" semesters of college, because that sounds better than, "I have 8 classes left and just can't force myself to finish." There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.

Sweeney (all posts)

I collect elaborate false eyelashes, panda gifs, and passport stamps. I spend too much time on YouTube. Reconciling my aversion to leaving the house/wearing pants with my deep desire to explore everything is my life's great struggle.

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  • WOOHOO more fictional lesbians to ruin my life (like I needed any more but pfff). This show seems like the last season of The L Word after Jenny was murdered and we spend the whole season trying to figure out who killed her only to be left nonethewiser in the finale.

    Also, I really have problems telling their ages, they look so much older than they are supposed to be. THEY ARE STILL IN SCHOOL??? HOW?!

    As I don’t know the future in this (wow, that’s a new one) I propose that The Jenna Thing has something to do with Jenna’s blindness. Maybe our PLL did something to her eyesight, however that would work.

    And I am also worried that we didn’t even see the body, all we got were shots of the closed body bag and closed casket which leaves me on edge especially since someone is around the town impersonating/being Alison. On a related note, that detective looks way too young to be on his own in homicide. #IWatchALotOfCopShows

    • I LOVE that you mentioned The L Word because I just saw the first three episodes last night. I heard that Jenny gets murdered later on, and I was like OH THANK GOD because that bitch is so annoying. I almost just want to skip to that part.
      The older than they look thing is even crazier based on Anagnorisis just letting us know that Maya is THIRTY ONE YEARS OLD. Baby Jesus, please give me some of those genes.
      I love that people in the comments are going to get to play along about who killed Ali, who A is, etc. This is going to be so. much. fun.

      • I LOVE that you’re watching TLW. The show is…something else and Jenny is the fucking worst bitch ever (even though I realise there wouldn’t be a show without her character). If you think she’s bad right now, wait to seasons 4 and 5 and then we can talk again, LOL.
        The first 3 episodes though…hot, hot, HOT Marina is all I’m saying!

        Not knowing the future is pretty annoying. I’ll probably do some binge-PLLs-watching *ahem*

        • Speaking of Marina, my new favorite thing to do is call people and say, “Jenny. This is Marina. I was thinking of you. Click.” in that awesome accent. If I was Jenny, I would have been all up on that too.

          • Same. Marina and her awesome voice *fans herself*

            Not sure if this is a spoiler for you, check if you want: Fgvyy fnq fur qvqa’g fgvpx nebhaq nsgre f1 juvpu vf jul V bevtvanyyl fgbccrq jngpuvat nsgre V sbhaq bhg ohg ol gura V jnf urnq bire urnyf va ybir jvgu Nyvpr (naq nz gb guvf qnl) fb vg jbexrq bhg svar.

  • Anagnorisis

    Oh, are you serious? Pretty Little Liars?! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    Yes! I’ve been watching this show since the begining almost, when I catched a glimpse of Emily on my tv and I was like: “gayness! I need to watch this!” So I did.

    I can’t believe no one mentioned Kendra the vampire slayarrr, lol. She has been playing a teenager for 16 years XD (or maybe it’s a crossover?! She can’t age because she is a vampire now, spoiler alert).

    This is so exciting! I’ll be here commenting, if you don’t mind me. I love a lot of things in this show, I love the premise, I love that it has four leading ladies, and one of them is gay, I love their characters and how they develop. I also love a lot of the supporting cast.

    There are issues, too. Some continuity things, some characters that I don’t really understand why they exist, some characters disappearing, some parents, some plots, Ezzzria, etc.

    Anyway, squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

    • I just sent Sweeney a, “HOLY SHIT THAT’S KENDRA??” email. I didn’t even put it together!! I don’t know why, because she looks exactly the same, but I never looked at her and put her face in context. SO WEIRD. She’s 34 now and playing a 16 year old. Rock on, Bianca Lawson.

      Also, she was Emily Bennett in The Vampire Diaries so I should’ve recognized her from that, but I didn’t. Fail over all.

      Of course we don’t mind, silly! We’re just crazy excited for this series. it’s a lot of fun to watch, even with it’s problems and soapy drama. Also, thank you for listing Ezria as a problem. I’m recruiting people to a team.

      • That’s why she looked so familiar??? I knew that I had seen her face before but couldn’t put it together. #whenfandomscollide

      • Anagnorisis

        Recruit me, then!

        Bianca Lawson was also Nikki in Save The Last Dance, which is a movie I’ve been watching again and again for years. I don’t know, she is vampire. It’s canon now.




          Dude, I used to watch THE SHIT out of that movie. I’m definitely snarking that one too.

          “Ain’t nobody dissed or dismissed me, Derek. I laid him off.”


    • OMG THAT IS KENDRA. I seriously didn’t believe you at first, and then I went to IMDB and I didn’t believe it for a minute, and then I just had to accept that Bianca Lawson is seriously a freaking vampire, because WHUT. She’s 31 years old in this show! That doesn’t even seem possible!
      I think one of the reasons I’ve been okay with Ezria today is because this show just pretends that age ain’t nuthin’ but a numba baby, and they almost made me forget about how this is gross and annoying and ILLEGAL. Don’t worry, though. I will be Team Can Someone Just Push Aria Off a Bridge soon enough, I’m sure. 🙂

      • Anagnorisis

        Yes, that’s Kendra! I’m so glad, she got a new shirt!

        Theory: she killed Alison because she realized she was a demon. Makes sense.

        My problem with Ezzria isn’t much the age thing (I ship Wrencer and other couples that I don’t know if I’m allowed to mention since I don’t know your spoiler policy), but is more about how they seem to belong to a different show.

        It’s like all the other liars and their significant others go to horrible shit, suffer, loose things, are in genuine danger. And then there is freaking Aria.

        It’s so obvious that she is the writer’s pet at some points.

        I don’t really hate her as much as I hate some other main characters (random example: Meredith Grey), but if they continue to give her those ridiculous plots, she better just move to a telenovela and leave the rest of the characters with real problems alone. XD

        • Aria never being involved in any A dramz is one of my favorite parts of the show. The other PLLS are all, “Shit, we almost just got murdered and then arrested and murdered again,” and Aria is like, “YOU GUYS, EZRA ISN’T TEXTING ME BACK.”

  • I can’t believe I haven’t watched this show!

    Maybe after my last season of Gossip Girl, dvr recordings of Gilmore Girls & Days of Our Lives. Unless Real Housewives starts up again, then my life is practically O-V-E-R.

    What I’m trying to get at is…This show is totally on my list now.

    • GET TO IT. Like, before all of that other stuff. Because, seriously, DAYS OF OUR LIVES, SHELLY?

  • savoringtheprocess

    You guys just made Fridays Even More Awesome. 😀
    Also, reading the comments here reminded me that SnarkSquad blogs on The L Word would be awesome! There’s PLENTY of feels, genuinely good one-liners, HOOKAY SHOW moments, and SO MUCH DRAMA that’s practically begging to be snarked.
    Also also, my birthday is June 4th, so if you wanted to give this stranger/devoted fan the most awesometastic birthday gift ever, then snarking The L Word would make my year. No pressure, just sayin’ 😉

    • Thank you! These recaps land in the “fun to write” category, so really, they are making our lives more awesome too. Plus, comments. <3

      We've never talked about The L Word but since we practically have every show ever made on our list of snarky possibilities I wouldn't rule out that maybe, for you birthday in like 4 or 5 years, we might maybe do The L Word. 😉

  • Catherine

    I can already tell that these pound puppies names are gonna ruin my life. Aria? Spencer? Wren? Who names their kids things like that outside of Westeros?

    • The whole Aria/Arya thing screwed me up for a bit while I was writing my first PLL recap. WE ARE NOW SNARKING TWO AR(IA)(YA)S. These crossover things (much like Bianca Lawson having roles both here and on BtVS) just make me so happy.

      Also lol, “pound puppy names.”

    • Stopping by to also give you an A+ for pound puppy names because it’s awesome.

    • Polge Clément

      I didn’t even really noticed it, I guess watching Whedon show get you used to weird name, ’cause that’s all he seems to know. According to his wikipedia page, his children are named Arden and Squire. Sounds like a superhero team.

      • Catherine

        OMG! YES! That’s another one that has always confused me. No one in the Whedon-verse has a normal name. I suppose that’s what California is really like? IDK.

        But that’s funny that his kids are named that. At least you are consistent in that, Whedon.

        • Polge Clément

          Actually some of them have normal names, but then they choose to get weird nicknames because of reason (Alexander becomes Xander, Malcolm becomes Mal, Angel is actually Liam, …). I do love Wash though, because it’s the shorthand for his family name (Washburne), but his actual first name is Hoban. So he’s more into the “have a weird name but choose a weird nickname instead”. It does make them memorable though!

          And I was on a forum once, and they were talking about Buffy, and someone was talking about the action of “Alex” in season 1, and it took me a full minute to realise that Alex is just the correct shorthand for Alexander, and that he was actually talking about Xander.

          • Catherine

            LOL! Well that person was clearly just trying to intentionally confuse people.

  • Polge Clément

    Ok, I litterally just watched the episode, and so far I kind of ike it actually… I didn’t really get the peodbear alert because they seem roughly the same age (and wikipedia backs me up on this, they have a 3 year difference only), but there are two thing that really made me go hulk smash: first, Aria’s father.

    I mean, the guy cheats on his wife, that’s already not a class act, but his daughter finds out and his big plan is to ask his daughter to keep that secret from her mother ? What in the actual fuck is this ? His only option should be to tell the truth to his wife, and tell his daughter that although he screwed up, that’s none of her beeswax, instead of just being creepy and shit…

    And second, Spencer who keep flirting with her sister’s boyfriend, and him indulging her. That’s super creepy from both of them… I would never think about trying to hit on one of my brother’s girlfriend (probably because both my brothers are gay, BUT EVEN IF THEY WEREN’T).

    That funeral at the end was weird too, with the guy coming to hit on Aria while she’s at a friend funeral (SEEMS LEGIT), and the creepy detective being all “hey, you just buried your friend, so IT’S A MURDER INVESTIGATION AND I’M A-GONNA FUCK YOU UP”

    After writing this message I’m kind of starting to wonder why I enjoyed this episode… The dialog was sort of fun perhaps ? Or maybe I was just blinded by those girl hotness. Let’s say there was a little bit of both.

    • Oh, thi

      • For this reason I actaully felt a little guilty because Spencer was my favorite liar from day one.

        • Spencer is my favorite too. Hanna is a close second, but Spencer is awesome.

          • Hanna is my close second. Plus I love her and Caleb, they’re my favorite ship on the show.

        • Polge Clément

          Well after watching the first episode and “kinda liking it”, I now finished the first season (I have no restrain for tv show, DON’T JUDGE ME), and I guess that the characters take a few episodes to really flesh out, and some things seem to be here for “shock value” but quickly forgotten.

          Also, Hannah is totally my favorite liar. She’s the Willow of PLL, always looking out for others and being supportive and everything, and she’s about the only one to also have friends outside the group.

    • THEY’RE IN HIGH SCHOOL! I get that the actresses are all adults, but the characters are in high school and teacher + student = inappropriate. IDK, every 16-year-old girl on this show seems to be dating a 22/23 year old. It creeps me out a lot, since that’s about the age gap between my sister and I (though we’re now 18 and 25, but still).

      I also hate Melissa too much to feel bad for her and I hold Wren equally as accountable for the flirting. I actually feel like he initiates a lot more of the flirting than she does, though this episode might be the one exception to that.

      • Strawberry_Pocky_Moose

        It still squicks me out that 17 year old Viktor Krum kissed 14 year old Hermione Granger. So yup, agree with you Sweeney! If I knew a 23 year old IRL who was dating a junior high schooler I’d be judgey as hell.

  • Melbourne on my Mind

    Just stopping by to say that Tammin Sursok who plays Jenna (apparently. I’ve never seen this show, but the internet seems to back me up) used to be on the trashiest of Australia’s two soap operas, Home & Away, which has launched the careers of such Australians as Guy Pearce, Ryan Kwanten, Melissa George, Isla Fisher and Chris Hemsworth. Tammin was not one of their better discoveries…

    Also, she then went on to have a music career, which was equally hilarious:

    You’re welcome.

    • I was coming back into this post to fix things (links and bios and stuff) and I saw your Home and Away comment, WHICH IS GREAT, because you just emailed me this!

      You should watch this show, K.

  • Oh, Pretty Little Liars. I saw the preview for it way back when and was curious so I started watching the first season and got sucked in. Then I wrenched myself away because it definitely fell in the “guilty pleasure” category of TV-watching. But then, sometime in the middle of last season, I got sucked back in, so I’m currently up the end of season 2 which means…ZOMGZ I KNOW WHO A IS!


    Sometimes I wonder why I like this show, because it really is totally ridiculous, but I do anyway. And I’m super glad you guys are snarking it. One of my favorite parts about the whole thing is the outfits that Aria and Spencer wear. Hanna and Emily tend to be mostly normal as far as clothing choices go, but there are definitely a lot of moments where I look at Spencer and/or Aria’s outfit and go, “Hold on, honey, WHO told you that was a good idea?”

    Also…I don’t think we officially know this yet, but it’s not really spoilery to alert you to the fact that the blonde chick Aria’s dad cheated with is Amanda Schull, aka Jody from Center Stage. Yep. 🙂

    • LOL, it’s not spoilery because we already have the next 5 posts in drafts and we definitely had a good freak out about that already, because we were all obsessed with Center Stage.

  • lev36

    Y’all are the best! This had been on my “maybe I should watch” list for a long time, but when I saw you were snarking it, my indecision was over. Looks like it’s going to be a fun (and very snarkworthy) ride, and for once, I don’t know the future!

    • We’re glad we could encourage others to watch trashy TV with us <3

  • Jojo

    I am mourning the loss of GoT, so I will switch to PLL but since I have never seen the showthis may be surreal. Like what the hell kind of parent looks at their newborn son and says “I think he looks like a Wren.” Didn’t anyone decide to let the drugs get out of her system before they filled out the birth certificate?

    • Maybe it was more like, “childbirth was the most miserable experience of my life. I shall name my child, “Wren.”

      I buy that.

      • Jojo

        Why not name him fuckthatbastardhurt, or boywhohurtmomsvagina? Or turdwhocameoutthewrongwhole? I mean Wren sounds like he flew out of a magical vagina and immediately began gathering sticks and singing….or probably flew to the top of the room screaming in terror. I think Dick would be a better name, or Asshole. Or Pelican…..I kinda like Pelican, actually.

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  • Okay, I just started watching this last night because my sister keeps raving about it and keeps tweeting about it and I feel super out of the loop. So now, I’m in the loop. And I”m so much more “in” than she’ll ever be, because I have Snark Squad to walk me through this pedobear parade. I love, love, love this. I’m also in love with all three of you. *cue Piano of Sex.*

  • Sumaiya Marium

    Hanna’s fuck u wave was fly n Wren……pedophilia aside is pretty cute

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  • Strawberry_Pocky_Moose

    Ok so after reading this recap I was curious, and I cheated and I…yep…I googled who killed Alison. The answers I got back made me laugh for about 5 minutes straight. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna spoil it for anyone. I just had to chime in to say that the show is, apparently, as WTF crackpot OTT soap opera mental as this first episode suggests it will be. I swear if someone doesn’t accidentally get pregnant, someone else doesn’t get amnesia and someone else doesn’t end up in a coma I will be greatly disappointed.

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  • Bobalicious

    I was cracking up like two seconds after opening this up.

    • These are still some of my favorite recaps on the site. 🙂

      • Bobalicious

        Yea, my favorite part in this is “The Pretty Little Spice Girls” and “Pretty Little Liars Who Are Kind Of Boring and Don’t Do Much and Nothing Murdery Ever Happens” lol