Pretty Little Liars S01 E02 – Sex and Bacon

Previously:  Alison disappeared and then her body was found, while the PLLs started receiving mysterious semi-threatening notes from A.

The Jenna Thing

Sara: We open up right after the funeral, with the girls drinking coffee at the local Rosewood diner. They wonder why Jenna would have been at the funeral, because of that whole The Jenna Thing thing.

Lorraine: A nice big cheer for PLL’s first gold star ever!

titlestar

Sweeney: Pretty sure several people earn the star today, so congrats to all! And to the writers, for successfully reducing the number of actual words they had to come up with/string together. We’re always proponents of people who manage to do less work at work.

Sara: For instance, watching Pretty Little Liars at work instead of returning voicemails. Ahem.

Apparently Aria still has nightmares about that night, because she’s a pansy unlike the other pretty little liars who are like, MAN UP, BITCH. SECRET’S A SECRET CHUG A BEER.

Things get a little awkward when Jenna comes click clacking into the diner with her seeing eye cane. (It is an actual cane, not a canine or anything. Just to be clear.) The PLLs make like a tree and get outta there, and Blind!Jenna smirks like a boss.

blindjenna

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. Big eyes. SHH!

Aria is drinking coffee before school (as Arias do) and talking with her mom about how Hanna is NOT FAT ANYMORE, YOU GUYS. I’m not sure if you missed the caps lock in the previous episode recap informing you all that HANNA USED TO BE FAT AND SHE IS NO LONGER FAT. It’s kind of like how fat!Robin became notfat!Robin after she became anorexic and then she was super popular.

Lor: Confession: I’ve been waiting for the flashbacks where Hannah is fat, but I guess we’ve already seen them? Like in all flashbacks? Cause mostly it just looks like she’s wearing a bulky sweater…

Sweeney: Also, I was really disappointed in Piper From Charmed for being so gossipy about a teenage girl’s weight. Stop that. I’m going to need to get my “INAPPROPRIATE” stamp out for this show. Allthetimealways.

Sara: Aria’s dad enternounces that he will be staying late at work today, his very first day back at the job. Aria questions him about it on account of how “stay late at work” used to mean “bang someone who is not my wife.” When he tells her that he has a lot of work to do, Aria says that maybe family should come first. BURN.

Emily is sitting on her porch when Maya shows up. How do these kids have all this freaking time in the morning to drink coffee and sit on the porch and ponder life and death and Alison? I remember high school mornings being a little more: wake up, brush hair (LOL just kidding), brush teeth, walk out door because I’m late.

Lor: Absolutely. Maybe in freshman year I worried about combing my hair and stuff, but I was young and naive.

Sara: Plus when you look gross six out of seven days, you get a ton of compliments on that seventh day. Probably because people would appreciate if you showered more, but still.

There are more lesbiany vibes when Maya asks to have a drink of Emily’s coffee.

Emily:  Do you want your own?
Maya:  I’d rather share yours. *humpy eyes*

Emily Maya Coffee GIF-2

And by “share yours,” I’m pretty sure she means “have girl sex.”

Which could very well become a possibility, because right then, Emily’s mom walks up and asks Maya if she wants to stay with them for a few nights, since her house’s front yard (Alison’s old house) has been turned into an Ali memorial. The girls giggle and give each other “IT IS ON” looks. Just kidding. It’s a little more subtle than all that. (But not by much.)

Lor: I love how EmiMom is all, “hey want to sleep over in my daughter’s room?” YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I LIKE HER OF IF I WANT HER TO SLEEP OVER. I guess EmiMom is lucky they want to hump each other.

Sara: Ezrafitz is walking down the school hallway when Bug-Eyed Aria finds him. She says she wants to transfer out of his class, and she needs his signature. He pulls her into his empty classroom to ask why because he’s an idiot and apparently doesn’t remember the whole dryhumpbar / kissingatafuneral thing. Aria borefesses that she can’t sit in a room with him and just call him Mr. Fitz and pretend nothing happened.

Sweeney: Specifically, pretend she doesn’t know him. But, like, she doesn’t. She’s a child, so I feel bad for her for not understanding this, but one dryhumpbar does not mean that you know him.

Sara: But it was one dryhumpbar and one conversation about a book!

Later on in the school day (Jesus, these days drag), the girls are all conveniently standing in the same hallway when the principal makes an announcement. “We need four Pretty Little Liars in the principal’s office right away, thanks.” As the PLLs start towards the office, Aria gets a text message from A.

 

note1.2.1

 

Detective Wilden is quizzing the girls’ faces off about the night Alison went missing, because I guess four 16 year old girls are on the top of the suspect list? I don’t know, I’m not a Detective Wilden. Spencer tells the detective that she heard a scream outside and went to find Alison, but she wasn’t anywhere to be found. Detective Wilden makes a smarmy suuuuuure face, like dude wtf. Don’t you have any adults to harass?

Lor: Or to invite to this underage harassment session to on account of it being illegal?

Sweeney: I think that Traumaland Police Departments are so inept that they no longer understand how laws work.

Sara: And if the past predicts anything, he’ll probably be trying to get with one of the PLLs in no time.

When the other girls say they were asleep when all this was going down, Detective Wilden is like YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU SLUMBERED AT A SLUMBER PARTY? MURDERERS! Case solved! We can all go home now!

Hey, maybe I am a Detective Wilden! We both crack cases the same!

The PLLs assure Wilden that they told him all of this information when the case was opened last year.

Wilden:  The thing is, it’s almost exactly what you said last year. Almost like it was rehearsed.

…… Or like it’s the truth? What is happening here, you guys? At this point, I’m putting my money on Wilden being the murderer because WHAT?

Lor: Is this like when I always tell people the same answer when they ask me what my name is? Because I rehearsed?

Sweeney: But you actually don’t always tell people the same answer…

Lor: GUESS I NEED TO PRACTICE MORE.

Sara: Later, at lunch, the PLLs worry that Wilden will figure out they were lying. (They never told the police they were drinking that night.) “Lying isn’t a crime!” Hanna hannas, and Spencer spencers back, “Uh, yeah. It is. It’s called obstruction of justice.”

Blind!Jenna click clacks into the lunch room, and the PLLs get weird. (L: Probably because that is the loudest seeing eye cane in the history of the world.) (S: And it comes with special ominous music too!) Aria invites her to sit with them, and it’s mega awkward because nobody is talking. Blind!Jenna mentions that Alison visited her in the hospital after her accident (presumably The Jenna Thing thing). The PLLs are surprised by this, and Blind!Jenna says that while a lot of people didn’t know Alison, she knew exactly who Ali was. The girls are freaked by this conversation and don’t say a word.

Jenna, with a smirk: Wow, it’s so quiet. You guys used to be the fun table. What happened to you girls?

I don’t know what it is about Blind!Jenna exactly, but I kind of love her for making our PLLs sweat a little.

FLASHBACK SMASHBACK

The girls (Alison included) are trying on clothes in Emily’s room when Ali has a hulksmash! freakout because she saw Toby Cavanaugh, the boy from across the street, watching them through the window. She gathers her army of bitches together to go confront him about it because WHAT IF HE SAW US NAKED. Girls, if he saw you naked, maybe you should give him 3 – 5 minutes before you confront him.

Sweeney: As a courtesy to yourselves, really.

Sara: Alison decides the perfect retaliation is to throw a smoke bomb in the Cavanaugh tree house, figuring Toby will get in trouble with his parents for destroying it. The PLLs are not too thrilled with this idea, though. They try to get out of it, but Alison populars them into it. The power of popular is strong with this one.

She lights the firework and looks inside before throwing it into the tree house. She sees something inside that seems to freak her out, and she rushes the girls back to Emily’s house.

whoops

END FLASHBACK

Lor: Alison says she’s throwing a stink bomb and it blows the entire thing up. WTF?

Sara: Bitch. Be. Crazy.

The PLLs’ phones go off and they check them at the same time. Yep, another message from A.

note1.2.2

The PLLs are all in Ezrafitz’s English class after lunch, which is kind of weird because Spencer is the super smart one and then Hanna is the cute but dumb one and how are they all in the same English class? (L: SEE: SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL.) Mona walks in late and accidentally calls him Mr. Fritz, which I think I like better than Fitz. A few minutes after class begins, Aria walks in late with the transfer form, and it has a big ol’ DECLINED on it. I can’t decide if the request was actually declined, or if Aria did that herself.

Lor: I dunno. It looks like a pretty official DECLINED stamp. Maybe the office secretary saw the first episode.

Sara: While the other students are busy, Aria and Ezra look at each other like FUCK. We are most definitely going to bang.

we are gonna bang

Hanna and her boyfriend Sean are doing homework at her house later that night. She starts kissing his neck and bow chika’ing, but Sean cuts her off. He says it’s too hard to stop once they start, and Hanna gets self-conscious. She asks if he isn’t attracted to her like that, and he assures her that he is. Aw, Hanna.

Ashley, Hanna’s mom, comes in and announces that they have a guest for dinner. AND IT’S WILDEN. This guy is so into trying to destroy these 16-year olds that he’s even banging their moms to get more info. Probably he’s banging Aria’s cheating dad, too. (L: “Staying late for work.”)

Spencer is at a restaurant, getting ignored by her father, when she sees Aria picking up dinner for her family. She goes over to say hi, and they discuss how creepy lunch with Blind!Jenna was. Aria says that on a scale of one to ten, it was eleven WHICH IS STUPID BECAUSE THE SCALE ONLY GOES TO TEN, ARIA, JESUS. I only included this scene because I wanted to yell at Aria for setting a scale and then immediately disregarding it.

Melissa and her doctorfiancee Wren have arrived at the restaurant, so Spencer goes to sit with them again. Spence tries to order a vodka soda, but Melissa cockblocks her. Everyone else at the table orders alcohol; Wren chooses a vodka soda. (Eyebrow waggle.)

Emily and Maya are in Em’s room, getting ready to go to sleep. Maya asks if Emily has a preference for a side of the bed, but Emily says she sleeps in the middle.

Maya:  I kind of sleep in the middle, too.

GET IT?

Lor: BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO SLEEP ON TOP OF HER.

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Sara: At dinner, Melissa starts a game of high / low, and the rules are not important because the only reason she brought it up was to get all braggadocious. While she’s busy talking about herself, Wren slips Spencer the vodka soda and she sneaks a drink. So I know that Wren is being a bit of a child predator right now, but Spencer is like 53 subconsciously, so I think that kind of makes this okay. Squee!

Sweeney: I can’t +1 your squee, but Spencer totes needs that drink to deal with her crazypants family and this was probably my favorite moment of the episode. Is Spencer going to develop a drinking problem? I bet she is.


Sara: Melissa puts Spencer on the spot and Wren saves her by making a joke. Spencer cracks up, but the two oldies on the other side of the table don’t get it. More eyebrow waggling.

Emily is wide awake in bed still, but Maya is sleeping and snuggles closer to Emily. Emily reaches out to hold Maya’s hand, and her phone goes off.

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When Hanna wakes up the next morning, Ashley is cooking breakfast (please, like Ashley Marin cooks bacon) and whatdayaknow! Detective Wilden is there. Creep. Hanna makes a face at her mom like, “Gahhhh Mom, you only had to prostitute yourself once; now you’re just embarrassing me!” and Ashley gives Hanna a face like, “I am prostituting myself for both of us, and you damn well better appreciate it.”

Lor: At this point I think she just wants to get it in. And she wants bacon. These two things are not connected.

Sara: Emily’s boyfriend, Ben, is driving Em and Maya to school and being a pervy teenage boy. He tells Maya that she’s gotten further with Emily than he has at this point, since they slept together and wants to know some details. Emily looks super grossed out at his dickery, but Maya just replies calmly that good girls don’t kiss and tell. If you wanted to get him to leave you alone, that probably wasn’t the best response.

He pervs a little more before they get to school and Maya bails. Right when Maya gets out of the car, Ben starts to apologize but Emily kissattacks! his mouth to shut him up. You don’t have to prove yourself to him, girl! Some guys start whooping and atta boy’ing (ugh) and Emily gets annoyed and stomps off.

Aria is standing outside of a movie theater when Ezrafitz awkwards up and says hi. She starts to say hi back, but her mom walks up and things get especially weird. Piper introduces herself and says that Aria forgot to mention that her new English teacher was really young. Wouldn’t it be totally creepy if Piper started hitting on Ezra?! Aria shoos her mom into the theater so they can get away from all that awkward, and on the way in, Piper adds that Aria forgot to mention how hot Ezra is also. I hate to say it but… WORD.

Sweeney: It’s true. Also, it seems that all guys in this town who are of age are also giant pedobears, so maybe that’s just a thing that the ladies of Rosewood have to accept and look past. Pedophilia is this show’s sunlight/incest.

Sara: After Aria and her mom have taken their seats, Ezra walks in by himself and Piper invites him to sit with them. She’s on the outside, so of course the only spot for him is next to his (in a Mom voice) giiiiiiiirlfriend. Ezra and Aria both get really rigid, and GUYS MY EMOTIONS ARE SO CONFLICTED. When I first started watching this show, I really really hated Ezria but they are kind of cute and I’m falling for it, damn it.

Lor: Nope.

Sweeney: INAPPROPRIATE. I also realized the other day that we haven’t been giving out #hosuspensions for a while now. Ezrafitz needs to get #hofired and #hoarrested.

Sara: At least the picture on the sexual predator card won’t be as creepy as usual?

Spencer is working on homework in her room when Wren walks by with laundry. He asks if he should give her another doctormassage, and she says her shoulder is fine. Wren tells Spencer that he knows it must have been difficult to grow up with strict parents who expected everything of you. She counters that he must have had some ambition from his parents, on account of being a doctorfinacee and all. He chalks that up to his own drive, not a dream that was pushed onto him at a young age.

He walks across the room to look at some pictures on Spencer’s desk and they are standing reeeeaaaal close right now and OMG Spencer just kissed another one of Melissa’s boyfriends. Jesus, Spence! She already hates you! Way to make it worse. (That kiss was awesome and super sexual, though.) As they’re going at it, Melissa walks by and Spence is in biiiig trouble.

Spencer Kiss-2
Hanna and Mona are leaving the mall when they see Detective Wilden leaning against his cop car, watching them. CUH-REEP. Mona tells Hanna not to worry; “You didn’t steal anything this time!” Hee!

Hanna approaches Wilden and asks if he’s spying on her now. He tells her he’s just doing his job, which is apparently to stalk little high school girls. Hanna says that she’ll do whatever she has to to make Wilden leave her mother alone and Wilden creepies, “I don’t care if you were drinking the night Alison went missing. What I care about is your and your pretty little friends knowing who killed her. Your mom may be hot, Hanna. But she isn’t hot enough to make this go away.

YOU TAKE THAT BACK, SIR. ASHLEY MARIN IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND YOU WERE LUCKY TO HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH HER.

Lor: AND BACON.

Sara: Aria is on her way home with coffee, and it’s pouring. Ezra passes her in his car and she just stands there, looking all butthurt that he didn’t offer to pick her up. So of course the car slows, and the passenger door pops open so Aria can jump in. GODDAMN IT, WHY ARE THEY SO CUTE.

He parks in a deserted child molesting alleyway, and they go at it. And seriously, I am trying so hard to hate them still, but they kiss so good! One episode + two inappropriate relationships = Childhood Trauma.

ezria

Emily is Flashbacking about the time Alison got all of the PLLs friendship bracelets with their names on them. “We’ll be friends forever,” she threatens. (Okay, it didn’t really sound like a threat, but everything from Ali is a threat.) I’m surprised they don’t all have Alison on them, aren’t you? She would be the girl to start her own cult.

Aria is back home from her make out date, and Byron, Aria’s dad, stops her on her way inside. He tells her that her mom can tell something is up so basically he’s telling her LIE BETTER. Pretty Little Notgreat Liar. Aria asks if Byron still sees her (the woman he cheatery cheated with), and Byron says that she teaches at the same school he teaches at, so he kind of has to see her. This plot is going nowhere good, obviously. Poor Piper. Guys on this show suck.

As Aria goes upstairs to change, she gets a text message from A.

When students kiss teachers, someone gets HURT. That’s a promise I’ll keep… – A

Spencer is running around the neighborhood when she sees Blind!Jenna answer a phone and say, “Send text now.” Then I guess Blind!Jenna spidey senses that Spencer is nearby, because she turns and looks right the fuck at her before we fade to credits.

Lor: Anyone who’s ever sent out a text message ever did it!

 

Next time on Pretty Little Liars: Our girls go to a party that doesn’t go so well for them and we are conflicted over Toby’s face in S01 E03 – To Kill a Mocking Girl.

Sara (all posts)

I'm a married old lady of 25 who is currently pregnant and eating all the things. ALL THE THINGS. I work full time and consider myself "in between" semesters of college, because that sounds better than, "I have 8 classes left and just can't force myself to finish." There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.





Sweeney (all posts)

I collect elaborate false eyelashes, panda gifs, and passport stamps. I earned my MA in Global Communications and watching too many YouTube videos. Now people pay me to edit YouTube videos. The circle of life. Reconciling my aversion to leaving the house/wearing pants with my deep desire to explore everything is my life's great struggle.





Marines (all posts)

I'm a 20-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





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  • I can already tell that this show is going to be the death of me; especially Emily, damnit, fictional lesbians. I hope she manages to step out of the closet sometime soon because the sexual tension between her and Kendra is too much!! (I’m sorry, I have my problems in keeping up with the names, they are very weird)

    In Hanna’s place, I’d had slapped the detective for saying that about my mother. Ugh, little creep.

    I know it is supposed to be creepy how Fitz and Aria are getting it on but I don’t see her as a high school girl, sorry. When I look at them it looks age appropriate and I have to remind myself that they’re supposed to be student and teacher.

    • Polge Clément

      THANK YOU. I can’t see Ana as a high school girl either, so the creep factor between those two is zero for me. Especially since Fitz don’t seem to have any “ascendant” over Aria just for his age, they seem to work pretty much as equal.

      • See, Aria annoys the crap out of me just by being Aria, not for being with Ezrafitz. I agree with you both about her not seeming like a high schooler. Especially since I’ve been watching this show for a while; plus Ezrafitz can act pretty childish sometimes so it all evens out.
        As for Spencer, I will never judge her for being with an older guy. Poor Spencer is like twenty years older than all the kids around her.

        • …also, yeah, Aria annoys the crap out of me by being Aria, but that’s a separate issue.

    • He’s her teacher and I’m not even a little bit sorry that I’m going to keep pointing out that it’s inappropriate and he should be fired. It’s clear that I’m in a minority for being bothered by this, but that’s OK. I mean, it might be really annoying for all of you who don’t care that I won’t shut up about it, but.. uh.. oh well.

      As for Spencer: I agree with you, Sara, in that Spencer generally has her shit way more together than anyone else her age. To be clear: the younger person is never the one to “fault” in age-inappropriate relationship.

      I will probably continue to point that out too, though, less because it’s actually skeevy to me (because I actually don’t find the Spencer/Wren relationship as creepy as I probably should, given that she’s 16 and he’s got to be at least 22 or 23) and more because I’m amused that this is apparently a THING in this town. My little sister informs me that pedobear relationships are aplenty on this show. And much like we watch Angel and go, “SUNLIGHT? DAFUQ?” I will watch this show and point that out all the time always.

      To sum up: a high school teacher dating students is inappropriate and Rosewood has an unacknowledged pedobear problem that I feel it is my Snark Lady duty to point out.

      • Three years of Pretty Little Liars has apparently ruined me with Rosewood. The sign should read, “Rosewood: Welcome All Pedobears!” I’m pretty sure there is LITERALLY maybe one or two relationships in this show that aren’t pedo-y.

        I think a lot of people were probably bothered by the Aria / Ezra relationship at first, but like you said, it’s like Angel’s Sunlight. I remember ranting and raving about how teenage girls were watching this show, and it was telling them that this was okay and I WAS SO ANGRY. At this point, I care about the two of them so little that I don’t have a lot of fucks to give about them.

      • Polge Clément

        Well it IS totally inappropriate, I think what I and my commenting buddy were saying is more like “she doesn’t look or act 16, so I can’t see her as a 16 year old girl, so I don’t get the creepy factor that I should get” rather than “NOTHING CREEPY THERE, I WAS 8 AND MY FIRST BOYFRIEND WAS 47, NO BIGGIE”.

        So do keep pointing it out, it’s also one of the things I love about those recaps, we get to see everyone focus on different things 🙂

        • She looks half newborn infant face / half Bratz doll, so it does throw things off a bit. You know, the worst scenes to me are when Spencer is wearing some tiny little lacrosse practice outfit at 15 (when she’s actually like 25), and it looks SO PORNY RIGHT? Blech.

          • savoringtheprocess

            “Half newborn infant face/half bratz doll”
            1430.

            This also describes why her relationship with PedoEzra is SO DISTURBING YOU GUYS! And even if she looked 35 it would still be disturbing because she is in high school and he is a high school teacher. After she graduates, they can bonk like bunnies, and until then… just no. And can’t she find any age appropriate suitors from the pool of Impossibly Attractive high school students at her school? I mean, this IS TV Land..

            @Sweeney, please never stop pointing out how creepy pedobear all the stupid guys are in this show… I swear I already want a PLL/Law & Order SVU crossover so Benson can bust Wilden’s ass for being a pervy pathetic excuse for a detective.

          • One of my biggest issues with those two is that if they were REALLY that mature and that in love, they could wait two years until she’s 18 and graduated. Obviously since they can’t wait, they aren’t anywhere near as mature as they think they are.

        • Yes, @SweeneySays:disqus please keep pointing this out. My buddy here (I’m totes stoked that the name stuck, LOL) said it correctly. I see them and I don’t immediately remember that they’re student and teacher, they are like college students to me and then I have to remind myself, NOPE, student-teacher and of course that is all kinds of wrong but as their going to school is such a secondary story arc I tend to forget about it.

  • Polge Clément

    One of my TV thing that I love is guessing the end of phrases, and I totally guessed that “eleven” because it’s just SO SO OVERDONE. Though I’m super bad at timing my loud “DUN DUN DUUUN” in this show, because they tend to arrive a bit after the scene where they’ve been watched/got something stolen/ were followed/whatever. And everytime I see Maya i repeat everything she says with her Kendra jamaican accent. I’m pretty obnoxious to be watching TV with (and I end sentences with preposition, might as well shoot me now).

    Isn’t it somewhat illegal for a detective to be sleeping with the mother of a person of interest in a murder case ? Like conflict of interest or something ? At least with Buffy I rationalise it with “It’s not our world, so maybe in this world people all have some form of Alzheimer and cops and hospital just don’t have the same security mesure ? Especially when your investigations must have like a 10% success rate because ‘Death by demon’ just doesn’t look good on a police report”.

    • On the contrary, you sound like you would be excellent to watch TV with.

      THERE ARE SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH THIS DETECTIVE. HE’S THE WORST DETECTIVE EVER. EVERYTHING HE DOES SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.

    • lev36

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who Jamaicanizes all of Maya’s dialogue in my head. And the detective is seriously the creepiest creep in Creeptown, as far as I’m concerned.

    • As I still have only watched Kendra on Buffy in German and PLL in English I can’t do the accent. There just isn’t a connection in my head for that so far.

      Dude, you sound awesome to watch TV with because I do exactly the same! I try to guess the sentences and I’m always so happy when I get them right and the DUN DUN DUNNNN is a thing I do as well.

  • stephynee

    I am so confused about the epic romance between the teacher and Aria. Haven’t they known each other for about a week? Why are they acting like they’re Meant to Be and It’s So Hard to Stay Away???

    My favorite part of this show is the opening credits and the cute clothes. Other than that, I’m not crazy about “who’s gonna kiss who this week” shows with teenagers who look older than I do. It does make for good snarking material though.

    • The cute fingernail polish is one of my favorite things about this show. It inspires me to take the chipped crap off of my own nails and prettify them. 🙂

    • Anagnorisis

      ‘But Ezria is EPIC!! Endgame, true love and they are going to be together forever!’

      Ugg

      Get used to it because they are going to be pushing this “epic romance” until it’s very clear how important and perfect it is. *sigh*

      Which is the thing that annoys me more, if they were given the same treatment that the rest of the couples and characters get, then I will be ok with them, not shipping them but ignoring their interactions and whatever. But I’m starting to skip their scenes and calling them Ezzzria.

  • Anagnorisis

    I love that Alison ‘threatens’ them into being friends forever. LOL, that’s actually kind of true. Sometimes it’s ridiculous how evil Alison is, but if I was 15 I’ll be following her around too, so who am I to judge?
    (I was really pathetic when I was a teenager, though).

    What else? Oh, Wilden/Byron, shipping it now! They deserve each other, really.

    Oh Jennabot, fascinating character, too bad I can’t really love you. There’s only one thing I can’t forgive, and we’ll get to that.

    Yay to Wrencer kiss! That was hot.

    It’s funny that I can, with a lot of effort, pretend that this girls are still in highschool, but when they show Alison posse together, I can’t help to remember that the actress playing Spencer was born eleven years before the actress playing Alison. ELEVEN YEARS.

    • Sara and I have had (and will have in an upcoming post, I believe) some convos on how Alison is all kinds of ridiculously bitchy, but yeah, she would totally have that group of dedicated friends. It becomes more and more apparent as the series goes on how true both of these things (bitchy, magnetic) are when it comes to Ali.

      Since I’m answering month old comments (ooooops…) have we gotten to the Jenna thing you can’t forget? Actually, I’m a tad bit spoiled on the first season (I watched some of it when it first aired, though I’m amazed how much of it I have forgotten) and I think I know what it is you are referring to. I think we only know half the story at this point.

      I just cannot believe that Troainis 27! SHE’S OLDER THAN I AM. It’s so weird.

      • Anagnorisis

        Ohh, the first time I saw Spencer I thought she was old and ugly, I’m so sorry Spencer!!! I didn’t know! I was young and stupid! I deserve to be punished by your awesomeness.
        And yeah, I think the Jenna Thing (lol) is what your are thinking, the next part of the story will be revealed in episode 10 if I’m not mistaken.
        What i hate the most it’s not the thing per se, because you can do a lot of things in fiction and write about anything. My problem is that there is no remorse or ‘punishment’, not only in-universe, but by the audience too. Double standards affect everybody.

  • Catherine

    “At this point I think she just wants to get it in. And she wants bacon.”

    — A woman after my own heart and/or life choices.

    Also, is one of them supposed to be fat in that flashback GIF? Because I swear I stared at it for 10 mins trying to figure out which one was the fat one. None of them is the fat one.

    • Agreed! I mean, I’m not sure I would try to buy my daughter’s way out of jail with my vag, but I’m not a mother yet, so I can’t be too sure.

      I KNOW. HANNA DOES NOT LOOK FAT. I guess fat suits are expensive so they settled on bulky sweaters? IDK.

  • Acy

    Sara…your whole thing about “How do they have all this time in the morning?” is one of my favorite things to snark about this show. Like in the current season, there was a really intense moment and then Aria said, “I have to get to class,” and it completely ruined it because I burst into hysterical laughter and shouted, “Psh, no you don’t. You never have class, ever” at my television.

    • Our post today was HUGE on this whole, “DOES ANYONE HAVE TO BE IN CLASS RIGHT NOW???” thing. I mean, Spencer was off dancing in a kitchen, and some of the girls were in class and I don’t even know what was happening. Nothing normal, though.

      • Acy

        It’s always really weird, even throughout the rest of the seasons, because they’ll show two of the girls talking in the school hallway or whatever, then show the others at home or at a coffee shop, so you assume, “OK, school’s over for the day. Got it.” And then they screw up your whole imaginary timeline because suddenly all 4 of them are at school again IN THE SAME CLOTHES SO YOU KNOW IT’S THE SAME DAY and I’m just like, “Damn, I wish my high school campus was this wide open.”

  • Da Bomb From Guam Mafnas

    I absolutely love all your posts! I have been looking for PLL snark for awhile because I was curious if other people were as creeped out by Rosewood’s pedobears and pretty little liaring. Please keep up the great work, you give an undergrad something to look forward to as finals loom (and yeah…I should be studying for those).

    • Thank you!! I’m glad people enjoy these because they are so different from the other stuff we cover on the site. And to answer your questions: YES. We notice that Rosewood is creepy as HELL. Entertaining, but creepy. I don’t know how exactly people miss the epic pedobear situation in this show…

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  • Jojo

    If your finace is kissing your little sister you need to send the pedobear packing, not get mad at the little sister because before the marriage he is already grabbing a younger trophy woman. And if you have 4 suspects the stupidest thing in the world is to interview them together. Way stupid! As to teacher perve…..how can he be three years older than a high school girl and be teaching in high school. Is he a Doogie Howser?

    • If this is the second time this is happening to you, maybe question where you are picking up men. Are you meeting all of them near a playground where they are interestedly watching kids play? Ye…yeah.

      Also, I think Teacher Perv is about 25. Aria is 16.

      • Jojo

        Spencer needs a cute little cheerleader outfit and a lollipop to perform oral sex on. Melissa needs to put her doctor on and detach Wren’s penis.

        And can I say that the name Wren still freaks me out. I keep mixing up who is Spencer and who is Wren. Like Spencer has serious balls and Wren simpers a lot.

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  • Sumaiya Marium

    U slumbered at a slumber party!hahahaaaa

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  • Meagan Malachite

    While I fully support acknowledging the problematic aspects of age-difference relationships–and they are many–I find it not only condescending but …obfuscating to call Aria a child. Teenagers are not children, they are sexually maturing adolescents, and in many parts of the world are considered adults and already raising children. I’m not saying this always or usually happens in a way that is safe or empowered for the women in such situations, but I don’t think it is inherently wrong either. Most of the problematic aspects of a relationship with a 10-year or less age difference seem to me to be cultural rather than biological. I speak as someone who has been predates on by older men in my teenager hood, and I am starkly opposed to allowing this kind of behavior to perpetuate. But I also had consensual sexual relationships with a good handful of romantic or sexual partners on the other side of the age line from 15-17, and I am offended by the implication that my feeling of consensuality is invalid because of an arbitrary age of majority imposed by modern culture. I am radically against rape culture, and also find much of the conversation about “statutory rape” to be incredibly agist and obscure the real problems facing teenage girls by conflating consensual interactions with a power imbalance with truly nonconsensual interactions.

    • This is a thing that has come up once or twice in comments as people seem to want to defend their personal experience with dating or to defend their maturity at certain ages or else to make the point that statutory rape laws are arbitrary and pick arbitrary numbers.

      1. Aria is a child by most if not all of the definition of the word. She isn’t below the puberty line but she is below the line of the legal majority. She’s also shown to be incredibly immature, in my personal opinion, and we often call her a child to that effect. You may think she’s a shining light of all that is adult and mature in the world, but she isn’t considered so in these recaps. Her decisions are just… childish.

      2. To consider that teenagers are sexual maturing adolescents only takes into account what their bodies are doing. We never argue that Aria isn’t a sexually maturing adolescent who shouldn’t be having sex, but that she’s an immature high school student who shouldn’t behaving sex with her teacher.

      3. As you go on in the recaps, I think it’ll be easier to see that our objection isn’t simply age, but the abuse of power that is inherent in student/teacher relationship. Age makes it ickier because of the maturity levels I already spoke about.

      4. I really have don’t have a ton to say about statutory rape laws. They have to pick an age. And your 15-17 might’ve been mature enough that you considered yourself able to consent to sex with older men, but is that a universal truth? And how must the law act in order to protect children? Not pick an age? Pick a younger age? Say, “fuck statutory rape laws! Have at it, adults!” I don’t know what the right answer is, but I do know that we have statutory rape laws in place and it’s strange of media to ignore them and to normalize the behavior of these teen girls constantly getting into relationships with grown-up and established men in their community. You rarely see a character on TV climb into a car without putting on a seatbelt, but TV’s like, “meh. Statutory rape laws.” It’s weird and it’s some thing we consistently call out because it tends to be prevalent in media. It’s the kind of stuff we like to pick out and good for at least starting these kinds of conversation.

      5. Age is a tricky thing and there are so many exceptions and so many ways that we can argue personal experiences and this one time this or this one time that. The main issue here however IS a power imbalance and the fact that it’s a teacher/student relationship that is INCREDIBLY exploitative, and the further you get into the series, the more and more apparent that becomes.

      • Meagan Malachite

        Are you familiar with Consent as Felt Sense? This is the sense in which I am talking about consent, not the legalistic sense.
        https://bandanablog.wordpress.com/2013/11/05/you-can-take-it-back-consent-as-a-felt-sense/
        I think some people are passionate about statutory rape laws because they want to protect young people from violation–a noble cause of course. I think much of the discourse around it does the opposite. It invalidates people’s feelings, telling them they aren’t real. To me, telling someone their “yes” isn’t valid or meaningful (because of age) is similar to telling someone their “no” isn’t valid or meaningful.

        And I want to define my terms here. Stages of human development as I see them:
        Infant/toddler: 0-3 years
        Child: 4-puberty
        Adolescence: puberty until one finds what one wants to give to their community

        I’m taking this in part from Bill Plotkin, who writes about an 8 stage model of human development in “Nature and the Human Soul.” I don’t think someone is a child because they are under 18.

        So to me when I hear “he’s having sex with a child” I get a VERY disturbing mental picture. I think conflating questionable power imbalanced relationships between an adult and an adolescent with sex with a young person pre-puberty dilutes the meaning of child sexual abuse.

        Want to write more but iPod is acting up.

      • Meagan Malachite

        What I wanted to add earlier is…well first let me say that I have never seen this show, read two of the recaps, then went and watched the pilot. So I am speaking from what I am reading and watching now, not future knowledge of the show.

        To me what is important when we talk about consent, rape, violation, etc. is how people feel. What I see in Aria is not her feeling violated or uncomfortable or pressured. She is portrayed as being happy, excited, interested in Ezra, aroused by his presence, frustrated and resentful about the age difference and him being her teacher. I see Ezra portrayed as being interested in her and aroused by her presence, and probably confused, guilty, and scared about what they already did (make out in the bar bathroom) as well as his continued attraction to her.

        Maybe the problem here is that Aria *is* being portrayed this way (as comfortable and interested) and it may not reflect the majority of age difference and/or student/teacher relationships in which, for example, a student might feel pressured to have sex to make a passing grade (maybe this even happens later in the show). That is obviously exploitation and I don’t know the statistics, but maybe that is much more common than something like what I see here, which in my eyes is consensual so far. This might be comparable to pornography, in which a variety of unrealistic situations and behaviors are shown that create problematic expectations in the minds of men watching them.

        But as long as we are led to believe that what happens in-show is real for these characters, then I am going to take the character’s apparent feelings at face value, and respect Aria as a young woman who has choice and agency in her life and is trying to navigate the world of relationships and physical intimacy as she grows into it.