Pretty Little Liars S01 E02 – Sex and Bacon

Previously:  Alison disappeared and then her body was found, while the PLLs started receiving mysterious semi-threatening notes from A.
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The Jenna Thing

Sara: We open up right after the funeral, with the girls drinking coffee at the local Rosewood diner. They wonder why Jenna would have been at the funeral, because of that whole The Jenna Thing thing.

Lorraine: A nice big cheer for PLL’s first gold star ever!

Sweeney: Pretty sure several people earn the star today, so congrats to all! And to the writers, for successfully reducing the number of actual words they had to come up with/string together. We’re always proponents of people who manage to do less work at work.

Sara: For instance, watching Pretty Little Liars at work instead of returning voicemails. Ahem.

Apparently Aria still has nightmares about that night, because she’s a pansy unlike the other pretty little liars who are like, MAN UP, BITCH. SECRET’S A SECRET CHUG A BEER.

Things get a little awkward when Jenna comes click clacking into the diner with her seeing eye cane. (It is an actual cane, not a canine or anything. Just to be clear.) The PLLs make like a tree and get outta there, and Blind!Jenna smirks like a boss.

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. Big eyes. SHH!

Aria is drinking coffee before school (as Arias do) and talking with her mom about how Hanna is NOT FAT ANYMORE, YOU GUYS. I’m not sure if you missed the caps lock in the previous episode recap informing you all that HANNA USED TO BE FAT AND SHE IS NO LONGER FAT. It’s kind of like how fat!Robin became notfat!Robin after she became anorexic and then she was super popular.

Lor: Confession: I’ve been waiting for the flashbacks where Hannah is fat, but I guess we’ve already seen them? Like in all flashbacks? Cause mostly it just looks like she’s wearing a bulky sweater…

Sweeney: Also, I was really disappointed in Piper From Charmed for being so gossipy about a teenage girl’s weight. Stop that. I’m going to need to get my “INAPPROPRIATE” stamp out for this show. Allthetimealways.

Sara: Aria’s dad enternounces that he will be staying late at work today, his very first day back at the job. Aria questions him about it on account of how “stay late at work” used to mean “bang someone who is not my wife.” When he tells her that he has a lot of work to do, Aria says that maybe family should come first. BURN.

Emily is sitting on her porch when Maya shows up. How do these kids have all this freaking time in the morning to drink coffee and sit on the porch and ponder life and death and Alison? I remember high school mornings being a little more: wake up, brush hair (LOL just kidding), brush teeth, walk out door because I’m late.

Lor: Absolutely. Maybe in freshman year I worried about combing my hair and stuff, but I was young and naive.

Sara: Plus when you look gross six out of seven days, you get a ton of compliments on that seventh day. Probably because people would appreciate if you showered more, but still.

There are more lesbiany vibes when Maya asks to have a drink of Emily’s coffee.

Emily:  Do you want your own?
Maya:  I’d rather share yours. *humpy eyes*

And by “share yours,” I’m pretty sure she means “have girl sex.”

Which could very well become a possibility, because right then, Emily’s mom walks up and asks Maya if she wants to stay with them for a few nights, since her house’s front yard (Alison’s old house) has been turned into an Ali memorial. The girls giggle and give each other “IT IS ON” looks. Just kidding. It’s a little more subtle than all that. (But not by much.)

Lor: I love how EmiMom is all, “hey want to sleep over in my daughter’s room?” YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I LIKE HER OF IF I WANT HER TO SLEEP OVER. I guess EmiMom is lucky they want to hump each other.

Sara: Ezrafitz is walking down the school hallway when Bug-Eyed Aria finds him. She says she wants to transfer out of his class, and she needs his signature. He pulls her into his empty classroom to ask why because he’s an idiot and apparently doesn’t remember the whole dryhumpbar / kissingatafuneral thing. Aria borefesses that she can’t sit in a room with him and just call him Mr. Fitz and pretend nothing happened.

Sweeney: Specifically, pretend she doesn’t know him. But, like, she doesn’t. She’s a child, so I feel bad for her for not understanding this, but one dryhumpbar does not mean that you know him.

Sara: But it was one dryhumpbar and one conversation about a book!

Later on in the school day (Jesus, these days drag), the girls are all conveniently standing in the same hallway when the principal makes an announcement. “We need four Pretty Little Liars in the principal’s office right away, thanks.” As the PLLs start towards the office, Aria gets a text message from A.

 

 

Detective Wilden is quizzing the girls’ faces off about the night Alison went missing, because I guess four 16 year old girls are on the top of the suspect list? I don’t know, I’m not a Detective Wilden. Spencer tells the detective that she heard a scream outside and went to find Alison, but she wasn’t anywhere to be found. Detective Wilden makes a smarmy suuuuuure face, like dude wtf. Don’t you have any adults to harass?

Lor: Or to invite to this underage harassment session to on account of it being illegal?

Sweeney: I think that Traumaland Police Departments are so inept that they no longer understand how laws work.

Sara: And if the past predicts anything, he’ll probably be trying to get with one of the PLLs in no time.

When the other girls say they were asleep when all this was going down, Detective Wilden is like YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU SLUMBERED AT A SLUMBER PARTY? MURDERERS! Case solved! We can all go home now!

Hey, maybe I am a Detective Wilden! We both crack cases the same!

The PLLs assure Wilden that they told him all of this information when the case was opened last year.

Wilden:  The thing is, it’s almost exactly what you said last year. Almost like it was rehearsed.

…… Or like it’s the truth? What is happening here, you guys? At this point, I’m putting my money on Wilden being the murderer because WHAT?

Lor: Is this like when I always tell people the same answer when they ask me what my name is? Because I rehearsed?

Sweeney: But you actually don’t always tell people the same answer…

Lor: GUESS I NEED TO PRACTICE MORE.

Sara: Later, at lunch, the PLLs worry that Wilden will figure out they were lying. (They never told the police they were drinking that night.) “Lying isn’t a crime!” Hanna hannas, and Spencer spencers back, “Uh, yeah. It is. It’s called obstruction of justice.”

Blind!Jenna click clacks into the lunch room, and the PLLs get weird. (L: Probably because that is the loudest seeing eye cane in the history of the world.) (S: And it comes with special ominous music too!) Aria invites her to sit with them, and it’s mega awkward because nobody is talking. Blind!Jenna mentions that Alison visited her in the hospital after her accident (presumably The Jenna Thing thing). The PLLs are surprised by this, and Blind!Jenna says that while a lot of people didn’t know Alison, she knew exactly who Ali was. The girls are freaked by this conversation and don’t say a word.

Jenna, with a smirk: Wow, it’s so quiet. You guys used to be the fun table. What happened to you girls?

I don’t know what it is about Blind!Jenna exactly, but I kind of love her for making our PLLs sweat a little.

FLASHBACK SMASHBACK

The girls (Alison included) are trying on clothes in Emily’s room when Ali has a hulksmash! freakout because she saw Toby Cavanaugh, the boy from across the street, watching them through the window. She gathers her army of bitches together to go confront him about it because WHAT IF HE SAW US NAKED. Girls, if he saw you naked, maybe you should give him 3 – 5 minutes before you confront him.

Sweeney: As a courtesy to yourselves, really.

Sara: Alison decides the perfect retaliation is to throw a smoke bomb in the Cavanaugh tree house, figuring Toby will get in trouble with his parents for destroying it. The PLLs are not too thrilled with this idea, though. They try to get out of it, but Alison populars them into it. The power of popular is strong with this one.

She lights the firework and looks inside before throwing it into the tree house. She sees something inside that seems to freak her out, and she rushes the girls back to Emily’s house.

END FLASHBACK

Lor: Alison says she’s throwing a stink bomb and it blows the entire thing up. WTF?

Sara: Bitch. Be. Crazy.

The PLLs’ phones go off and they check them at the same time. Yep, another message from A.

The PLLs are all in Ezrafitz’s English class after lunch, which is kind of weird because Spencer is the super smart one and then Hanna is the cute but dumb one and how are they all in the same English class? (L: SEE: SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL.) Mona walks in late and accidentally calls him Mr. Fritz, which I think I like better than Fitz. A few minutes after class begins, Aria walks in late with the transfer form, and it has a big ol’ DECLINED on it. I can’t decide if the request was actually declined, or if Aria did that herself.

Lor: I dunno. It looks like a pretty official DECLINED stamp. Maybe the office secretary saw the first episode.

Sara: While the other students are busy, Aria and Ezra look at each other like FUCK. We are most definitely going to bang.

Hanna and her boyfriend Sean are doing homework at her house later that night. She starts kissing his neck and bow chika’ing, but Sean cuts her off. He says it’s too hard to stop once they start, and Hanna gets self-conscious. She asks if he isn’t attracted to her like that, and he assures her that he is. Aw, Hanna.

Ashley, Hanna’s mom, comes in and announces that they have a guest for dinner. AND IT’S WILDEN. This guy is so into trying to destroy these 16-year olds that he’s even banging their moms to get more info. Probably he’s banging Aria’s cheating dad, too. (L: “Staying late for work.”)

Spencer is at a restaurant, getting ignored by her father, when she sees Aria picking up dinner for her family. She goes over to say hi, and they discuss how creepy lunch with Blind!Jenna was. Aria says that on a scale of one to ten, it was eleven WHICH IS STUPID BECAUSE THE SCALE ONLY GOES TO TEN, ARIA, JESUS. I only included this scene because I wanted to yell at Aria for setting a scale and then immediately disregarding it.

Melissa and her doctorfiancee Wren have arrived at the restaurant, so Spencer goes to sit with them again. Spence tries to order a vodka soda, but Melissa cockblocks her. Everyone else at the table orders alcohol; Wren chooses a vodka soda. (Eyebrow waggle.)

Emily and Maya are in Em’s room, getting ready to go to sleep. Maya asks if Emily has a preference for a side of the bed, but Emily says she sleeps in the middle.

Maya:  I kind of sleep in the middle, too.

GET IT?

Lor: BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO SLEEP ON TOP OF HER.

Sara: At dinner, Melissa starts a game of high / low, and the rules are not important because the only reason she brought it up was to get all braggadocious. While she’s busy talking about herself, Wren slips Spencer the vodka soda and she sneaks a drink. So I know that Wren is being a bit of a child predator right now, but Spencer is like 53 subconsciously, so I think that kind of makes this okay. Squee!

Sweeney: I can’t +1 your squee, but Spencer totes needs that drink to deal with her crazypants family and this was probably my favorite moment of the episode. Is Spencer going to develop a drinking problem? I bet she is.

Sara: Melissa puts Spencer on the spot and Wren saves her by making a joke. Spencer cracks up, but the two oldies on the other side of the table don’t get it. More eyebrow waggling.

Emily is wide awake in bed still, but Maya is sleeping and snuggles closer to Emily. Emily reaches out to hold Maya’s hand, and her phone goes off.

When Hanna wakes up the next morning, Ashley is cooking breakfast (please, like Ashley Marin cooks bacon) and whatdayaknow! Detective Wilden is there. Creep. Hanna makes a face at her mom like, “Gahhhh Mom, you only had to prostitute yourself once; now you’re just embarrassing me!” and Ashley gives Hanna a face like, “I am prostituting myself for both of us, and you damn well better appreciate it.”

Lor: At this point I think she just wants to get it in. And she wants bacon. These two things are not connected.

Sara: Emily’s boyfriend, Ben, is driving Em and Maya to school and being a pervy teenage boy. He tells Maya that she’s gotten further with Emily than he has at this point, since they slept together and wants to know some details. Emily looks super grossed out at his dickery, but Maya just replies calmly that good girls don’t kiss and tell. If you wanted to get him to leave you alone, that probably wasn’t the best response.

He pervs a little more before they get to school and Maya bails. Right when Maya gets out of the car, Ben starts to apologize but Emily kissattacks! his mouth to shut him up. You don’t have to prove yourself to him, girl! Some guys start whooping and atta boy’ing (ugh) and Emily gets annoyed and stomps off.

Aria is standing outside of a movie theater when Ezrafitz awkwards up and says hi. She starts to say hi back, but her mom walks up and things get especially weird. Piper introduces herself and says that Aria forgot to mention that her new English teacher was really young. Wouldn’t it be totally creepy if Piper started hitting on Ezra?! Aria shoos her mom into the theater so they can get away from all that awkward, and on the way in, Piper adds that Aria forgot to mention how hot Ezra is also. I hate to say it but… WORD.

Sweeney: It’s true. Also, it seems that all guys in this town who are of age are also giant pedobears, so maybe that’s just a thing that the ladies of Rosewood have to accept and look past. Pedophilia is this show’s sunlight/incest.

Sara: After Aria and her mom have taken their seats, Ezra walks in by himself and Piper invites him to sit with them. She’s on the outside, so of course the only spot for him is next to his (in a Mom voice) giiiiiiiirlfriend. Ezra and Aria both get really rigid, and GUYS MY EMOTIONS ARE SO CONFLICTED. When I first started watching this show, I really really hated Ezria but they are kind of cute and I’m falling for it, damn it.

Lor: Nope.

Sweeney: INAPPROPRIATE. I also realized the other day that we haven’t been giving out #hosuspensions for a while now. Ezrafitz needs to get #hofired and #hoarrested.

Sara: At least the picture on the sexual predator card won’t be as creepy as usual?

Spencer is working on homework in her room when Wren walks by with laundry. He asks if he should give her another doctormassage, and she says her shoulder is fine. Wren tells Spencer that he knows it must have been difficult to grow up with strict parents who expected everything of you. She counters that he must have had some ambition from his parents, on account of being a doctorfinacee and all. He chalks that up to his own drive, not a dream that was pushed onto him at a young age.

He walks across the room to look at some pictures on Spencer’s desk and they are standing reeeeaaaal close right now and OMG Spencer just kissed another one of Melissa’s boyfriends. Jesus, Spence! She already hates you! Way to make it worse. (That kiss was awesome and super sexual, though.) As they’re going at it, Melissa walks by and Spence is in biiiig trouble.

Hanna and Mona are leaving the mall when they see Detective Wilden leaning against his cop car, watching them. CUH-REEP. Mona tells Hanna not to worry; “You didn’t steal anything this time!” Hee!

Hanna approaches Wilden and asks if he’s spying on her now. He tells her he’s just doing his job, which is apparently to stalk little high school girls. Hanna says that she’ll do whatever she has to to make Wilden leave her mother alone and Wilden creepies, “I don’t care if you were drinking the night Alison went missing. What I care about is your and your pretty little friends knowing who killed her. Your mom may be hot, Hanna. But she isn’t hot enough to make this go away.”

YOU TAKE THAT BACK, SIR. ASHLEY MARIN IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND YOU WERE LUCKY TO HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH HER.

Lor: AND BACON.

Sara: Aria is on her way home with coffee, and it’s pouring. Ezra passes her in his car and she just stands there, looking all butthurt that he didn’t offer to pick her up. So of course the car slows, and the passenger door pops open so Aria can jump in. GODDAMN IT, WHY ARE THEY SO CUTE.

He parks in a deserted child molesting alleyway, and they go at it. And seriously, I am trying so hard to hate them still, but they kiss so good! One episode + two inappropriate relationships = Childhood Trauma.

Emily is Flashbacking about the time Alison got all of the PLLs friendship bracelets with their names on them. “We’ll be friends forever,” she threatens. (Okay, it didn’t really sound like a threat, but everything from Ali is a threat.) I’m surprised they don’t all have Alison on them, aren’t you? She would be the girl to start her own cult.

Aria is back home from her make out date, and Byron, Aria’s dad, stops her on her way inside. He tells her that her mom can tell something is up so basically he’s telling her LIE BETTER. Pretty Little Notgreat Liar. Aria asks if Byron still sees her (the woman he cheatery cheated with), and Byron says that she teaches at the same school he teaches at, so he kind of has to see her. This plot is going nowhere good, obviously. Poor Piper. Guys on this show suck.

As Aria goes upstairs to change, she gets a text message from A.

When students kiss teachers, someone gets HURT. That’s a promise I’ll keep… – A

Spencer is running around the neighborhood when she sees Blind!Jenna answer a phone and say, “Send text now.” Then I guess Blind!Jenna spidey senses that Spencer is nearby, because she turns and looks right the fuck at her before we fade to credits.

Lor: Anyone who’s ever sent out a text message ever did it!

 

Next time on Pretty Little Liars: Our girls go to a party that doesn’t go so well for them and we are conflicted over Toby’s face in S01 E03 – To Kill a Mocking Girl.