Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 08 – It’s whatever.

Previously: In an attempt to get Ana to use her married name at work, Grey tells her he’s renaming SIP to Grey Publishing and then gifting it to her. Really this should read, “previously: Grey continued to run his business with his penis.”
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Lorraine: I always find it amusing when I feel compelled to start a recap by reminding you all of some plot point or other. Most of the time it’s because it’s some random shit that wouldn’t qualify as a plot point anywhere outside of the Fifty Shades series. For instance, please do recall that the architect designing the new Grey house has come to visit the Greys… and she’s a woman!

I KNOW, GUYS. How could I think you would forget such a shocking turn of events, in which a woman is a woman near or around Grey?!

We start the actual chapter with Ana letting us know that she’s a good-looking woman, so that we’re clear just what kind of BFD we’re walking into. Also, because Ana is perfect, and she’s a brunette, this evil good-looking woman is “salon-blond.” Not even natural blonde, but salon blonde, so that we know that this bitch is actively choosing to be evil. We get a lot of details about how well groomed she is, because EL James hates other women, especially if they comb their hair.

Sweeney: She dies her hair evil blonde and combs it? The only reason she could possibly have chosen that hair color and combed her hair before coming to this business meeting is because she wants her married client inside her. That’s some husband stealing hair right there.

Lor: The evil-husband-stealing-salon-blonde’s name is Gia, and any good 90’s kid knows that Gia is a bad girl.

Evil Gia says that Grey and Ana look well, seeing as how they just got back from weeks of vacation. Grey says thank you, and kisses his wife. Ana’s internal monologue is all, “SEE? HE’S MINE. HE’S AWFUL, AND HE MAKES ME ANGRY EVERYDAY, BUT HE’S MINE.” Ana is so happy this this moment of hydrant-pissing was actually beneficial for her completely uncalled for jealously, that she squeezes Grey’s butt in appreciation. If I were this evil architect, I’d be mentally adding zeros to the total cost of this house visit.

Once Ana remembers her manners, she offers Evil Gia some wine. From the kitchen, she hears the iPod “hiss” as Christian switches off the music. She couldn’t just hear the music stop playing, because that would be logical and at least slightly in tune with technology. I asked Twitter what sound iPods make when they are turned off and I got next to no response. Kirsti said iPod touches make a noise on the lock screen. I asked if that noise was a hiss and she said, “only if it speaks Parseltongue.” (S: 1430 for you, Kirsti.)

Ana can tell that Grey is being overly affectionate and says they are both putting on a show for Evil Gia. Also, her inner goddess is dressed in a gladiatrix outfit.

Grey tells Evil Gia they really like her plans and she’s relieved and touches his arm in a flirty way that we know is flirty for no other reason than because Ana calls it flirty. Grey stiffens immediately, but not like sexy time stiffens. “I have deep-seated emotional problems” stiffens. Ana hurries over to save her man from one-second-shoulder touches.

Sweeney: She also insists that she has just realized that she dislikes Gia because Grey dislikes Gia. It’s not her irrational jealousy at all!

Lor: Sure, Ana. Sure.

Evil Gia asks Ana what she didn’t like about the house plans and Ana explains that she doesn’t want any major renovations, because she fell in love with the house the way it was. She’s saying all of this to Evil Gia, but the whole time, she’s looking at Grey, because get it? When Ana met Grey he was like  fixer-upper. It’s a terrible message to women, this whole “you can fix him” thing, but surprise! This book is now telling woman to generally forget about the fixing part and just live in the shitty house anyways.

Ana suggests painting their new shutters blue. Grey doesn’t seem to like the idea, but he also doesn’t shoot the idea down.

“His words from yesterday come to mind: “I want this house to be the way you want. Whatever you want. It’s yours.” He wants me to be happy- happy in everything I do. Deep down I think I know this. It’s just- I stop myself. Don’t think about our argument now.”

So she thinks, “wow! He’s going to let me paint some shutters blue! He must want me to be happy.” Then she remembers how using her unmarried name at work was going to make her happy and how Grey showed up within hours of her being back at work to thoroughly murder that idea. She recalls a very specific example of a time Grey did everything in his power to prevent her happiness and SHE STOPS HERSELF FROM THINKING ABOUT IT. Because when you are trapped in an abusive relationship, it’s best to think that your abuser does it because he loves you and wants you happy.

Sweeney: She bases her belief that he wants her to be happy on the times he wasn’t awful. She’s all, “Oh, he didn’t shoot me down or make me feel stupid?” WOW. It’s not good treatment that assures Ana of this, because she has no such treatment to go on, rather, it’s the occasional absence of horrifying treatment. Cool.

Lor: Evil Gia is looking at Grey, waiting for him to make a decision on the plan modifications. Apparently, just looking at Grey makes her pupils dilate. Also, she licks her top lip before taking a sip of wine and Ana’s all, “THIS HUSSY.” It’s hilarious because she’s not actually doing anything aside from pleasantly addressing them both and occasionally looking at Grey. It’s a good thing we have EL James to cheat at narration and tell us how we should feel about everything. For instance, Evil Gia doesn’t look away from Grey, she “drags her greedy eyes away.”

Sweeney: I draw the line on proof-that-ELJ-doesn’t-own-a-face imitations somewhere just before eyeball dragging.

Lor: Agreed. We would like everyone to actually survive these imitations.

Taylor the Red Ranger appears to announce that there is an urgent matter he needs to talk to Grey about in the other room. Grey tells Evil Gia that Ana is in charge of the project and whatever she says goes. He trusts her instinct. Ana is shocked. “My instincts let him run roughshod over my feelings this afternoon.” That’s why he trusts them, you stupid twatcake.

As soon as Grey and Taylor are out of the room, Ana tells Evil Gia that she needs to keep her hands off of Grey. Evil Gia is stunned  and so is Ana, because she’s constantly taken off guard by her own actions. Gia apologizes and Ana tells her that Grey isn’t interested in her. Gia apologizes again, but only in stuttered, unbelieving words. Ana says it’s fine as long as they understand each other and moves on to talking about the master suite. Ana says that Gia’s now intimidated by her, probably because she’s never encountered this amount of stupidity, self-importance, or lack of professionalism. I’d be intimidated by that too.

Sweeney: Ana’s also really proud of herself for learning murder eyes from Christian. Gia, girl, this job isn’t worth it. Unless you’re adding many, many zeros to the balance.

Lor: Even so, what’s the price tag for flirting with assault? Because Ana is asking for a punch in the face.

Ana says that she’s super relaxed now that she has the upper hand she gained by threatening this woman’s job, even though she’s said multiple times in this chapter that Evil Gia is very, very good at it. Ana tells us that her “inner goddess is celebrating her inner bitch.“

WHAT THE FUCK? HER INNER GODDESS HAS AN INNER BITCH?

THE PERSON WHO LIVES INSIDE OF HER HEAD HAS A PERSON WHO LIVES INSIDE HER HEAD?

Sweeney: LOL FOREVER. Schizophrenia Inception! I feel like this has so many potential applications! See, my Inner Rage Goddess just had a conference with her Inner Lawyer and Inner Psychiatrist and they concluded that we probably deserve some sort of restitution from ELJ for all the trauma. I bet that’ll hold up in court and everything.

Lor: As a plea for insanity? Probably.

We line break to Grey coming back into the room. Evil Gia packs up her things and gets going. Grey can tell that she was not having panty explosions over him anymore, and asks Ana what’s up. Ana doesn’t actually openly communicate with her husband, though, and changes the subject to what Taylor wanted. Grey tells her it was about Jack Hyde not being back to in his apartment for weeks, but doesn’t actually openly communicate with his wife, and changes the subject back to Evil Gia. Grey wins because Ana confesses that she said something to Evil Gia.

Grey is super proud of his wife but he is also super haunted.

“He drops his gaze, shaking his head, and his expression changes.
“She’s only reacting to this face.” He sounds vaguely bitter, disgusted even.”

I’m Christian Grey. I’m so rich and handsome and people like my face. I’m so bitter and disgusted. Waaaaah.

Sweeney: It’s a very Edward Cullen-esque line of whining, as his hotness is derived from the fact that Meyer’s vampires have this insta-hot thing. I mean, aside from the fact that they’re all pasty and sparkly, supposedly becoming a vampire makes you a much hotter version of yourself.

Lor: Seriously? I only ever saw the movies, and with respect to all the actors, and with complete disrespect to the make-up department, that is NOT a thing I picked up by watching.

Anyways, Ana’s all, “OH NOS! My poor Fifty,” because being attractive is the worst and definitely counts for at least 15 of of those 50 shades of fucked up.

Last post, a kind commenter left us a link to a HILARIOUS satire/fan-fiction. One thing the author mocked is how much Ana questions EVERY GOD DAMN THING. She never knows exactly what’s happening or what she’s feeling, and now I cannot stop noticing it. Grey asks Ana if she’s jealous of Evil Gia. “I blush and swallow, then stare down at my knotted fingers. Am I?” I DON’T KNOW, ANA. ARE YOU?

Sweeney: +1 to the brilliance of that bit of satire. I don’t think we’ve quite done justice to just how often Ana communicates with the reader by asking questions about her feelings or surroundings, rather than statements. Is the Red Womb red? Do I have a job? Is Christian Grey going to murder my face off soon?

Lor: WILL THE SNARK LADIES SURVIVE THIS BOOK?

Grey assures Ana that he’s not interested in Evil Gia, on account of how he just married Ana like a few weeks ago, so it’s safe to assume he’s still pretty interested in her. Ana’s so surprised by the fact that her husband is in fact only interested in her that she lets out an “oh my!” Grey wants to know what about his wanting to breathe her air 24/7 made her think he’d be remotely interested in another woman and Ana asks herself more questions we certainly have no answer for.

Sweeney: Sorry, I have to jump in again because Grey’s initial reason for not being into Gia, even before the, “Hey, I’m married!” is that he calls her “a sexual predator.” Christian mother fucking Grey just called this woman who came over to do her job a sexual predator because she smiled and was polite. Because in this universe, everyone else is so jealous of them, so desperate to fuck one/both of the Greys that everyone else they encounter is a sexual predator.

Lor: Finally she tells Christian that she’s super confused because one second he’s telling her to stay at home and not work and the next he’s trying to make her CEO of a company. Ana says she doesn’t want to feel railroaded; she wants to make her own decisions, and have some independence.

Grey is all, “wow. Being in a relationship with me is like being hit by a train?” Ana says yes. Grey turns this around on her in a second and says he panicked when he got an email from her with her maiden name. Why wouldn’t she tell him about keeping her name? Ana thinks, “he has a point,” and not, “I was at work for an hour, you mother fucking steam engine. Jesus.”

She asks her husband why he would panic at merely seeing her maiden name. He says that he doesn’t want to lose her, and clearly if she keeps her name that would totally equate to the immediate dissipation of their relationship. Ana’s all, “OMG THAT IS SO SILLY,” even though two pages ago she was freaking out about losing her husband to a woman just because she combed her hair and wore lip gloss around him. But whatever, she says for the 87 billionth time that she’s never, ever going anywhere and then quotes King Lear to emphasize her point. There is even a fucking footnote on the quote, I swear to God. I hate this book so much.

Sweeney: That was the ELJ way of saying, “Look, y’all! I totes opened that book and everything!”

Lor: But only this one and not all the other books she’s referenced or quoted.

Ana asks Grey if he would change his name to Christian Steele so that everyone would know that he’s hers. Grey’s all, “sure, if it meant a lot to you.” Ana believes him when he says that, and then asks if the whole name changing thing means a lot to him. He says yes so she instantly agrees to do as he wants.

Way to take a stand.

Grey asks if she didn’t already agree to change her name, and Ana says she did, but now she feels happier with her decision. Before she was going to just change it and be miserable forever, which is a good way to start off a marriage. Additionally, because she’s being a good little wife and giving him exactly what he wants, she’s going to be rewarded with TEH SEX! First, though, Grey asks Ana to cut his hair. I have no freakin’ idea why this millionaire suddenly decides his wife is the most qualified person to cut his hair, but okay. Sure.

Ana says she can’t cut his hair, so Grey says he’ll go to the dude who works at MRS. RAPE’S salon, because those are the only two options available to him. Faced with either cutting his hair or forcing him to go see the woman who statutory raped him, Ana gives in.

They head to the bathroom and Grey takes off his shirt so Ana can wash his hair. They are already getting hot and bothered. I mean, consider this description of Grey’s mouth: Sculptured, chiseled, whatever, it is a beautiful mouth and he knows exactly what to do with it.

“WHATEVER.”

“Whatever, I don’t need to describe it because I just need to tell you that it’s beautiful and you’ll believe me. It’s like, sculptured or chiseled or whatever, I left my Thesaurus in the other room. What I’m trying to say is that it’s sculptured, chiseled, or whatever. I’m not a real writer.”

Sweeney: You’re my favorite person.

Lor: That makes me feel better about my rage.

Ana goes to kiss his whatever mouth but Grey stops her because he REALLY wants a haircut and you know once they start kissing, the exploding orgasms are inevitable. Then, EL James takes the time she saved by typing, “whatever,” instead of actually thinking of a proper description and invests it into making this stupid hair cut into a dramatic event. Ana asks why this hair cut is so important and he replies that it will make him feel, “cherished.” Also, it’ll probably remind him of those times when a woman statutory raped him, on account of that woman being a hair dresser. He doesn’t say that, but you know. Whatever.

Ana is all, “OMG. MY FIFTY.” because really needing a haircut every time his hair gets long probably counts for at leas 2 shades of those 50 shades of fucked up.

She grabs his Chanel shampoo and says, “I like the smell of this… it smells like you.”

Wait, wait, wait. THIS WHOLE TIME, HAS CHRISTIAN GREY SMELLED LIKE CHANEL SHAMPOO? No, wait, wait. I’m confused by what this means. Does this mean that the oft mention, natural Grey smell happens to smell something like Chanel shampoo OR does this mean that Ana is too dumb to understand that the shampoo doesn’t smell like him, but that he smells like the shampoo because he uses it?

Sweeney: AMAZING. I’m also very sad/sorry for Chanel shampoo. Somehow, I think that the people who spend $50 on shampoo will get over it, but I’m still sorry for it in the general way that nothing deserves this association.

Lor: We then get the most detailed hair washing scene in all the history of books. I’m not actually sure if that’s factual, but it seems like a safe bet. It’s like the chapter long version of, “lather, rinse, repeat,” and about as entertaining.

Ana is super surprised that Grey appears to be so relaxed after their huge argument, even before they solved that problem with sex! I’m serious, she really does think, “who would have thought after our argument this afternoon, he could be this relaxed? Without sex?”

Grey starts getting grabby with Ana, and he grins like a little boy, “like I’ve caught him doing something illicit that he’s secretly proud of.” Ah, the smile that attracts pedophiles.

After the hair washing is over, it’s time for sex. Grey get’s Ana’s shirt all wet and she calls herself “Miss Wet Blouse 2011,” which is weird. Right? That’s weird because no one calls it a wet blouse contest and saying that you are Miss Wet Blouse makes it seem like that’s an actual thing, which I don’t think it is. Then we get hit with this brilliant and original line for an erotic novel, “I’m wet… everywhere.”

He ties her, fucks her, whatever, it’s the same sex scene James has been recycling since the first book. “Highlights” include when Grey’s eyes get darker and darker as he’s unbuttoning Ana’s shirt, an elongated nipple or two, Grey offhandedly mentioning titty-fucking and Ana having no idea what that is, Ana orgasming on command, Ana biting her lip, Ana being hungry (but not for food), Ana sheathing her teeth, guttural noises, heady reactions, an oh my, and a crying orgasm.

Ana thinks about how even after all their arguing over things like her independence, her career and her right to make decisions for herself, at least they still have sex.

After a line break, Grey asks why Ana is crying and she says that it’s ’cause she loves him so much it’s overwhelming. Then they sniff each other and apparently Grey now smells like himself and heady sex, but still no word on if this means that he smells like Chanel and heady sex. After lying together, Ana goes, “oh, man! We totally didn’t finish that hair cut, so we should dedicated another few pages to that process because it will be super entertaining, for real.”

Sweeney: I’m certain that this is an accurate summary of what was going on in ELJ’s head at this point.

Lor: Ana puts on Grey’s shirt because she needs scissors to cut his hair, and apparently they are going to use the paper ones Grey keeps in his study? IDK. On the way to the study, Ana sees Taylor kissing Mrs. Jones in his office! That was the best kissing that’s happened all book. I’m sure of it.

Stupid little Ana is reeling from this, especially because she had assumed that Mrs. Jones was older than Taylor. EW! OLDER! IMAGINE THAT.

Oh, but wait, we break from that non-development development to encounter this new non-development development: Christian Grey owns a gun.

Murderer.

Sorry. I should specify that owning a gun does not make you a murderer. Christian Grey owning a gun makes him even MORE of a murderer, however. That’s all I’m saying.

Sweeney: I was confused by this being new information. I always assumed he had many guns for his many murdery activities.

Lor: Ana puts the gun back and grabs the scissors. On the way back, Ana runs into Taylor and there is some awkwardness since she’s just dressed in a t-shirt. Back in the bathroom, Ana tells Grey about running into Taylor, and he starts to get bothered so Ana changes the subject to Mrs. Jones and Taylor shacking up. Grey laughs because he knew all about it. Ana says she feels foolish for not noticing and mentions to Grey that whole Mrs. Jones being older than Taylor thing. Grey responds, “some men like older women–” but cuts off on account of that one time he was 15 when his mother’s married friend started having sex with him.

Sweeney: UGH. Fuck you, Grey, for likening what might be the most legit relationship in this book to your creepy statutory rape relationship.

Lor: To shuffle away from that awkward, Grey mentions converting the rooms over the garage of their new house into a new place for the help. Grey says maybe then Taylor will be able to bring the Baby Red Ranger over on weekends. Ana wonders why he never brings her over now, and Grey says that Taylor’s never asked. Ana’s all, “well, if she starts coming over, maybe we shouldn’t have sex all over the house, ” and Grey is all, “OOOOH!” Apparently it never occurred to him that his house and lifestyle aren’t kid friendly.

Ana asks if Grey has ever met Baby Red Ranger, and he has, and he’s also paying for her school. He says it’s the least he can do, and also IT MEANS TAYLOR WON’T QUIT.

THIS GUY.

I just hate him so much. I hate his manipulation of every goddamn thing.

Sweeney: At least that answers a question we’ve been asking for a while now. The Red Ranger sticks around with this sick bastard because he’s holding his daughter’s education hostage.

Lor: Aaaand we still haven’t cut Grey’s mother fucking hair. So, Ana starts doing that and at the end of the hair cut she tells us, “his hair is still floppy and sexy… just a bit shorter.”

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT A HAIR CUT IS  BITCH.

I’m cutting, snipping, whatever, his hair is shorter.

That’s over, finally, and she says they should clean up. Grey offers to get the broom, but lol he doesn’t know where it is. See? Because he’s rich.

Another line break takes us to Ana and Grey getting into bed. Ana thinks about how she should have a safe word for when Grey’s being an “arse,” and that lol lol lol, that safe word should be arse. She giggles to herself because the thought of needing a safety net when your husband is being so domineering that he wouldn’t listen to you otherwise is hilar.

Ana tells Grey she doesn’t want to run a company, so he starts trying to convince that she does indeed want to run a company. One last question before this stupidly long hair care chapter is over: Ana asks what Grey meant when he said that she could take out her anger on him in bed. Grey asks what she thinks he meant. She thought tying him up. Grey’s all, “HELL NO,” probably because being tied up and statutory raped is part of his legit childhood trauma. As we’ve been reminded a lot this chapter.

Sweeney: His legit childhood trauma that he eagerly subjects his wife to on the daily.

Lor: He says that he probably couldn’t handle being touched if he were restrained. Ana tells him not to worry about it, because she just misunderstood what he was implying. And then they are having sex again but it is a merciful fade to black.

Murmur Count – 19
Whisper Count – 20

Favorite comment last post: Anyway, I hope Ana gets to become CEO of Grey Publishing, and then she dive it into the ground, ruining Grey in the process to the point where he’s so deep in debts he has to jump from his building, and he falls on Ana who was going home with the pride of a good day at work. – Polge Clement

Next time on Fifty Shades Freed: Ana and Grey disagree about gun control and Ana remembers she had a best friend once upon a time in chapter 9.