Previously: Emily took questionably Creepy Toby to Homecoming. The other girls did not approve, and learned that he is in fact creepy because we have an uncanny knack for choosing all the incesty material ever.
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The Homecoming Hangover
Sweeney: We pick this episode up exactly where the last one left off and our Pretty Little Liars are running through the halls looking for Emily. They consider splitting up, but resolve to “split up together” when nobody wants to be left alone to get picked off by Creepy Toby who they probably incorrectly believe to be A.
Lorraine: Hey, I’m awarding points for at least knowing that you don’t wander around alone looking for the guy who comes with his own murder-y soundtrack.
Sweeney: This is true. I forgot about his murdery soundtrack.
They call Emily’s cell phone and find it outside the door to the classroom where we last saw her. Inside there’s shattered glass and blood on the ground, so the girls are pretty sure Emily got her face murdered off.
To reassure us that this is false, we cut to Toby, driving an unconscious Emily to the hospital. Roll Big Eyes Credits.
At Emily’s house the next day, the girls are giving Emily the rundown: Toby’s a big incest monster and probably killed Alison and also probably wants all of them dead too. Emily’s confused because taking her unconscious self to the hospital would make him a really bad murderer, but since the other PLL’s are sure he’s A, she believes them.
Outside, Emily’s mom is having a conversation with one of Rosewood’s inept finest, who is basically a gossip cop, dishing to mom that she went to Homecoming with Toby and not Ben. Cut to Emily saying that she told the cops she just “tripped” and somehow smashed up the science lab and cut her head open on the way down. Emily’s mother tells Gossip Cop that her daughter doesn’t lie, but Gossip Cop knows what’s up. “Everybody lies.”
Lor: Gossip Cop probably watches a lot of House, MD on his nights off.
Sweeney: This is probably what they do during their many on-the-clock hours of not doing any actual police work.
Upstairs, Hanna joins the other PLL’s and is totes surprised by the number of cops in Rosewood, what with the general lack of police work that gets done. She doesn’t realize that these cops detect the shit out of things with a strategy similar to the way a small child might play Clue. Alas, the cops had done enough detective work to know the file was stolen.
Now that Hanna’s there to babysit Emily, Aria and Spencer have to go wash their hair for forever and show themselves out. Hanna tells us that Toyota has gotten in on the PLL advertising game, because as a completely useless factoid, Emily won a Toyota Corolla in a raffle at prom while she was in the hospital. Don’t ask me to make this make sense.
Lor: But, I mean, if you are gonna crack your head open, might as well win a free car.
Sweeney: Her injury isn’t even all that bad. I’d take that for a free car.
It’s time for Emily to confront Hanna about playing matchmaker with Maya. Hanna confesses that A sent her the kissing booth picture. While they’re being honest, Hanna wants Emily to ‘splain taking the picture before taking Toby to the dance. Emily says she thinks she knows what she wants, but she doesn’t want it to be some big! life! statement! Hanna continues to be the best friend of the group, by telling her that she’ll still be Emily, regardless of who she dates, and they’ll love her all the same. Hanna’s the best. Emily clunkily informs us that she’s a military brat to explain that she’s worried about the parental reaction.
At the shmancy club where Spencer’s family goes, she’s trying to make things right with Alex, the floppy-haired non-pedobear POOR guy she took to prom. She gets sassed by a girl who works there because the girl who works there doesn’t realize that health codes aren’t even a real thing in the magical land of television. (S: Also, you should be so lucky to have Spencer’s health violations in your food. It probably works like steroids.) Alex finally hears her out and agrees to go out with her again on the terms that she chills out and lets him be planning-guy.
Jump to Ezrafitz’s apartment where Aria’s leaving him voicemail one millionty. Aria. Stop. I know you’re an infant and don’t know any better. But stop. Piper from Charmed brings Aria some flowers that came for her. She also gives us a great negligent parenting moment when she tells us she won’t be attending her son’s lacrosse game because she can’t get over her shit long enough to be a parent. Fail. Aria reads the card it’s from Virgin Sean, and since Aria believes her soul to be 32, she’s grossed out by a child like Virgin Sean sending her flowers. Also the you’re-dating-my-BFF, I guess, but that would require me to give Aria greater benefit of the doubt than I’m prepared to.
Emily comes to in what seems to be a slightly drug-induced stupor to Blind Jenna’s drug dog barking in her face. Blind Jenna rudes Emily’s mom out of the room to go get milk.
Lor: Her mom goes too because (1) – she’s creepy and (2) Aria’s soul may be 32, but Jenna’s faceis 32. Emily’s Mom is giving her adult-to-adult respect.
Sara: Seriously, though, Jenna’s face is the WEIRDEST. Something about her mouth and teeth makes me think she’s going to eat my soul.
Sweeney: Creepy Blind Jenna uses her soul-eating mouth to say she came because she thinks Emily’s the only person who would know where he is. Blind Jenna turns on the faux-dramatics, insisting that really! bad! things! will happen if the File of Incestuous Confessions gets out. She also implies that she knows all of their secrets, and so Emily totes owes her for keeping them. And the PLL’s are still on the Toby-is-A bandwagon? FFS? Bitch basically confessed. Not really. But basically.
At school, the precious nerdy school photographer is editing photos. Hanna shows up because they are doing a recovery shot of the homecoming king and queen. Lucas flirts with her some and talks about how cute she is. Sean’s not there yet, because he’s mad at her. Hanna has a moment in which she demonstrates her growing soul by pointing out that the crown she always thought was so big and magical is actually NBD.
Sean arrives and is generally a douchey douche who doesn’t deserve Hanna Marin. In her quest to appease him, she ignores Emily’s serious phone call.
Sara: To be fair, Hanna did ditch Sean at Homecoming. And Sean doesn’t know what’s going on with the A thing, so from his point of view, it looks like she just left with another guy.
Sweeney: I just really dislike Sean. A commenter informed us that other recaps give him a lot of hate for being a virgin. I don’t share that issue. I just don’t like him because I think he’s an asshole. Much like our dislike of Riley causes us to irrationally judge every action ever, the second I decided Sean was an asshole I became my own zoomy camera girl, zooming in on all of his actions. SEE HOW HE’S WALKING LIKE AN ASSHOLE?
Emily leaves Hanna a voicemail as she sniffs the cookies Blind Jenna left her. Emily’s mom comes in and takes Emily’s phone away for mother/daughter time, and then opens a magazine. Wut? I don’t think you understand how this works.
Lor: Mother/Daughter time! NOW SHUT UP. I’M READING.
Sara: PARENTING IS SO EASY.
Sweeney: Finally she drops the, “I know who your date was!” bomb. People cross to the other side of the street when Crepey Toby walks down the street. Emily’s mom gets up all in Emily’s grill, yelling at her about how evil he is and everyone will think she’s a trashy incest monster too if she starts dating him. Something like that.
Back at the awkward photoshoot of awkwardness, Sean has a temper tantrum and storms out after our lovable photographer suggests a shot of Hanna sitting on Sean’s lap. This is a stupid idea, aside from the fact that he’s wearing gym shorts for this photoshoot. Hanna’s hurt, but she makes a kinder exit because she’s delightful.
At Aria’s house, she has a heart-to-heart with her Cheating Cheater father. Her 32-year-old soul takes issue with his insistence that her parents were “kids” when they met in college. The point of this chat is that Cheating Cheater Father is moving out. Aria lays on the dramatics that are actually about her own pedobear relationship, because Cheating Cheater Father is totally just walking away because it’s easier than fighting for what you want.
Sweeney: Because she’s the worst. I was trying to figure out where to share this story, but Sara and I were just discussing photoshopping ourselves onto PLL’s bodies as occasions call for it. In particular, when one goes to the Shame Corner, one shall go there as Aria, because, as Sara put it, “There is no worse shame.” This wasn’t really the seamless segue I wanted it to be. Humor me.
Emily is saved by the doorbell and uses her mother’s absence to start texting. Naturally, all three girls are leaving their phones in the car at the exact! same! moment! They are out in the Woods of Probably Illegal Behavior because Hanna wants to burn Toby’s folder. This seems a little excessive. Aria and Spencer are opposed to destroying evidence against Toby, but Hanna’s not waiting around for her to get into another legal problem now that her mother’s magic vagina is running out of pixie dust.
Sara: This gif is hilarious for so many reasons.
Sweeney: Hanna has to confess to her klepto issues to the other PLL’s and Aria sidebars about how cute the sunglasses she got busted for are. Priorities.
Sara: It’s these moments that make me kind of like Aria. When she’s being a normal teenage girl and not a 32 year old with weird fashion sense who bones her teacher.
Sweeney: Agreed.
Hanna brats about her jealousy that Spencer’s father is slightly less terrible, you know, because he at least offered chocolate to ease his bullshit. Aria dramatically tosses the file into the creek, which is a pretty terrible job of destroying the file, but this resolves the issues and the girls leave. And only then do we realize that Aria’s phone was actually with her. It just took Emily ten fucking minutes to even bother trying to reach Aria to tell the girls not to destroy the file. (Even though they never mentioned destroying it to Emily…) While I want to tell Emily that it’s her own fault for taking so long to try Aria, I can’t, really, because Aria’s the last one I’d reach out to if I needed help.
Lor: Proven by the fact that she just threw the freakin’ file in a creek. Idiot.
Sweeney: She was likable a second ago; she had to do something annoying to keep our new game of “ARIA – NOT IT” alive.
The next day at school, Spencer and Emily are discussing Emily’s continued lying to her mother. Maya walks by and ignores her. Spencer gets ditched by Alex who claims to have to work, even though the club is closes on Mondays. In continued love life thwarting, Aria goes in and finds Ezrafitz replaced by a woman sub. Woman Sub doesn’t notice the excessive questions that Aria’s asking about Ezrafitz.
Blind Jenna finds Emily to ask about the file. Emily insists that the file is gone, and Blind Jenna gets threatening and says she hopes Emily isn’t lying. Girl, lying is in the name of the show! Though in this case, it’s more stupidity than lying.
Hanna hangs out with our lovable photographer as he searches for a photo where Sean’s douche face is usable.
She comments that she thought she’d look happier, so that we can again see all! her! growth! in recognizing that popularity isn’t all she dreamed it would be. Deep, show.
Back in the kitchen of the club, Spencer CREEPS and discovers that Alex wasn’t lying, because there is some breakfast thing in the morning and he’s getting time-and-a-half to prepare for it. Spencer slaps on a hairnet and digs in to help him to demonstrate that she’s not the spoiled little rich girl. Also to demonstrate that she’s adorable.
At school (Why is Spencer at the club while they are at school? What is this timeline?) (L: I think Spencer graduated high school in kindergarten. She just keeps showing up for funsies.) (S: +1) (HEADCANON ACCEPTED.) Aria confronts Sean about being a megadick to his girlfriend / her bestie. All right Aria, that was a decent friend thing to do. This is interrupted by her little brother getting into a fight, which itty bitty Aria breaks up. LOL, k. Baby Brother tells Aria to go to hell, just to make sure we see that he has All The Angst over the fact that his parents are getting divorced and also his whole family sucks.
Sara: If that was my family, I would be trying to get bigger kids to beat me up, too.
The photo-approval session has quickly turned into a Watch All The Random Hilarious YouTube Videos ever session. Do they ever have any classes in this building? I don’t understand. Lucas gets uncomfortable when his hand brushes Hanna’s.
Lor: I think “personal skin invasion” is going to be added to the rotation along with “space rape.” Amazing how much the material we cover calls for such phrases.
Sweeney: SO TRUE. These great phrases make it all a little easier, though.
This moment of honesty turns into a moment in which he confesses what an evil bitch Alison was. Dude, I understand your legitimate Alison-related trauma, but telling a girl that her dead best friend was “straight up evil” is not your best play. Dating advice from the Snark Squad. (L: Bill’s in the mail!)
Hanna tries to make it better by saying that Ali called her Hefty Hanna, and he’s all I DON’T GET WHY YOU’D BE FRIENDS WITH HER. Hanna swears that sometimes Ali made people feel super special. You know, with all that time she spent thinking of evil, horrible nicknames for them! That’s love.
Elsewhere, Alex sends Spencer to get something out of a cupboard without having the good sense to realize that this is the same cupboard where they tape up photos of club members with devil horns and mustaches and stuff. Spencer finds her own picture, which Alex swears wasn’t there before. OK, even if it wasn’t, what made you think this was a good idea? Regardless, this gives Spencer all the feels about how she’ll never stop being seen as the spoiled little rich girl, and so she runs off.
Back at school, Maya is leaving the music room (because she’s artsy!) where it seems she may have attended an actual class. Emily wants to try to do this for real. Maya is dubious but she comes around.
Aria’s negligent parents show up at school (Which is clearly still in session! Why isn’t Spencer there!) and they get into a fight, in which Cheating Cheater Father tries to insist that their kids’ problems mean that he can’t move out now.
Aria, meanwhile, is also not in school because she’s stalking the shit out of Ezrafitz. When he doesn’t answer she decides it’s appropriate to steal the spare key and break into his apartment. She over hears a conveniently timed voicemail about a job interview.
Lor: I flipped out during this scene. CHILD: BREAKING AND ENTERING. LEARN ABOUT IT.
Sweeney: Flipping out is appropriate. I expect so little that I was like, “Oh, Aria’s now decided that breaking and entering is acceptable? Oh. OK. Sure.”
Back at Hanna’s place we learn that she ALSO did not attend class that day. Is this how high school shows stay in high school forever? The kids just never go to actual class, so they never manage to graduate? The BSC doesn’t spend much time in class, for all the boring shit they narrate — maybe that’s how they stay in 8th grade forever.
Anyway, douchey Sean has decided to bring Hanna her homework as a means of reconciling, after Aria called him out for being a dick. He continues to suck, though, asking her to put music on and then sassing her for playing it too loud. The music segue magics us back to the club’s kitchen where Alex is cooking and Spencer shows up so they can dance awesomely together and then make out in the kitchen.
Sweeney: Missy Higgins “Where I Stood” starts playing as we cut to Aria’s drama. See, because Aria doesn’t even know who she is without her pedobear teacher boyfriend she’s been secretly dry humping for a whole month now. She also won’t be far from where Ezrafitz is, if ever he should call, since she’s probably lurking just outside his door. With a key.
Lor: And his Social Security Number, a blood sample and a lock of his hair. <3
Sweeney: Emily returns home to find some cops being vaguely police-like. They towed Toby’s badly beaten up bike to the house and Emily sees Blind Jenna sitting on the stoop crying.
Aria tells her little brother that she needs to go say goodbye, but he gives no fucks, due to how few fucks they give about him. Outside, we see that Piper Mom is actually the one moving out.
Sara: WHICH IS SO INFURIATING TO ME. Aria’s dad has been the one to prove that he is not a very responsible parent, and from what we’ve seen of Piper Mom, she is pretty great. Why is she not fighting to stay with her kids in that beautiful, beautiful house? You better make this up to me, Piper.
Sweeney: I have no concept of how she lost this argument. CHEATING CHEATER FATHER SHOULD BE THE ONE TO GO. Still, Piper Mom spent all episode bailing on things because she didn’t want to go near Cheating Cheater Father.
Spencer and Hanna are sitting with Emily, who is upset about the wreck. Spencer’s all, “Whatever, there’s a possibility that our hasty jumping to conclusions and the zoomy cameraman’s insistence on Toby’s creepiness means he was a murderer, so his possible death is totes NBD.” Hanna good friends that Emily can feel whatever the hell she wants to feel, and then apologizes for picking on her for being a spoiled little rich girl. What with her also being a fairly spoiled, well-off girl who mostly got in trouble for her Winona Ryder-esque decisions.
Just as Spencer says that Hanna was totally right about her, a phone goes off and it’s A thanking them for getting Toby out of the way. Spencer has nothing more than a conciliatory arm pat to offer Emily. OOPS! Meanwhile, a gloved hand is fishing the totally not destroyed papers out of the creek. I’m sure nobody at all saw that coming. Nobody. At. All. (Except us, of course, because we’re so good at TV.)
Next time on Pretty Little Liars: Alison’s brother arrives in town and apparently asshole runs in the family. See it all in S01 E08 – Please Do Talk About Me When I’m Gone.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
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