Previously: Grey flew back to Seattle early because Ana dared to go out for drinks with her friend only to discover her tragically not murdered, so he sat in a chair all night drinking.
—
Sweeney: Picking up exactly where the last chapter left off (only ELJ would try to use the protagonist’s husband waiting for her as a chapter-ending curbhanger) Ana’s whispermurmurchokes about Grey having been waiting for in THOSE PANTS that hang on his hips in THAT WAY. She asks herself a lot of stupid questions.
Grey has hung his pants from his hips in that extra-special way in order to sexy distract Ana.
His sexy distraction is described with words like “stalk” which sounds about right. He printed out the email that she sent him — you know, that eight seconds where she had a spine and explained her very legitimate issue with him flying back to Seattle because she fucking got a drink with a friend?
Lorraine: It took five paragraphs for the anger to bubble up. So, he’s wearing the jeans that he used to use as a Dom. Now, if you remember that Christian Grey isn’t actually a Dom and is just an abusive asshole, we reach the conclusion that he’s wearing his abusive asshole jeans. He’s wearing them because he’s mad at Ana. So, he’s at once threatening her and using the promise of sex to manipulate her, yeah? That’s what I’m thinking.
Sweeney: You’re very perceptive, my friend. It’s almost like you’ve suffered though 58 chapters of this shit. (Yes, that’s right. This is the 59th Fifty Shades chapter recap.)
The scene continues in this weird fashion: they’re discussing legitimate issues, but ELJ uses her cheater narration to remind us that Christian Grey is TEH SEX, so all these legitimate issues are totes NBD. Besides, you guys, he’s just crazy because he loves her! It’s totally acceptable to be a crazy murdering stalker if you’re in love! He came back from Seattle “Because you went back on your word, and you defied me, putting yourself at unnecessary risk.”
Ana considers telling him that’s bullshit, but then she realizes that she’s just so happy that he’s home because that 24 hours apart was epic torture and besides, she wouldn’t have defied him if she knew he was going to cancel his trip! I can’t even with this logic. Not, “If I knew you were going to cancel, I would have called you and told you that was insane,” but “Oh, if I had known then I would have accepted your bullshit without question.
She also fully accepts his accusation that she is responsible for putting one of the security guards at risk, because the team was divided (only one at home, while the others went with her). He babbles about how awful it would have been if something had happened to Ana (false) and says he “died a thousand deaths today” thinking about it. IF ONLY, CHRISTIAN GREY. IF ONLY.
Ana mentions how much it sucked to be rejected in the shower and Grey’s response is “I don’t know how to deal with this anger. I don’t think I want to hurt you,” which is just super comforting. “I’m pretty sure I don’t want to beat the shit out of you! Not 100% but it seems to be leaning away from murder, so that’s good right?”
He rejected her in the shower because he was afraid of accidentally murdering her because of all his rage, you see. Ana’s sure he’d never accidentally murder her. She’s 100% on that one because she hasn’t been paying attention to the last 2.5 books. Or, rather, she sees the events of the last 2.5 books as evidence of how much he’s changed for her. He’s changed you guys! How has he changed? Well, you see, when he left awful marks on her wrists by putting her in punishment handcuffs he felt real bad about it. THAT’S HER REASON. THAT’S HOW SHE KNOWS HE WON’T MURDER HER FACE OFF. I can’t even with how stupid this bitch is.
I’m not sure if I want to laugh or hulksmash when Grey happysighs that Ana has so much faith in him. You know, given that he trusts her NOT AT ALL.
Lor: This bitch is so stupid. I mean, it’s not even that she thinks he won’t kill her even with all the evidence to the contrary, it’s that she keeps ignoring him when he’s all, “I DON’T KNOW. I THINK I’D HURT YOU.” She’s all, I know you wouldn’t really beat the shit out of me and he responds, “I wanted to.” What does she say, “no you didn’t.” ANA, NO. HE DID. HE JUST SAID HE DID, YOU GIANT PILE OF FAILURE. HE JUST SAID IT.
Sweeney: To make that point, Grey tries to manipukiss her into giving up on all this talking-through-their-issues nonsense and head straight to the Red Womb of Domestic Violence. Ana actually manages to stand her ground, to an extent. She almost gives up, though, when Christian Grey sighs and places his head in his hands, because she fears that having an actual conversation with his wife might be too hard for Christian Grey. I couldn’t even make this shit up if I tried. My brain doesn’t work this way.
Interjected between a stupid amount of hemming and hawing and attempting to change the subject because these characters are so confused by dialogue, as they’re so unused to it, Grey concedes that Jack’s computer contained a stalkerish amount of information on not only Grey but his whole family. At first they didn’t up security because Grey’s a celebrity and assumes everyone has newspaper clippings of him. Ana tries to figure out what caused the security upgrade (because she apparently doesn’t remember the arson?) but Grey successfully changes the subject to the fact that Ana CAN’T REMEMBER TO EAT without being explicitly told to do so by Christian Grey.
Broken record: I HATE THIS SHIT. I hate that Grey’s psychotic behavior gets a free pass because of moments like this. I hate that we get to be all, “Well, see, she needs him to tell her what to do!” The fact that Ana sucks doesn’t justify the fact that Christian Grey is abusive.
Lor: Mostly, I’m too much of a fat ass to understand how someone forgets to eat every single freakin’ day. Then again, I’m not always concerned that I might go outside one day and incite my violent husband to murder. That’s got to take up a lot of brain time.
Sweeney: Probably true. I don’t want to waste brain time thinking about it too much, though.
Once they are in the kitchen Ana’s all relieved that they’re playing house rather than having a full-on-fight. You know, because she asked her husband to be honest with her about stuff. That usually causes fights. And it’s such a relief that he was willing to cut that honesty bit short and focus on sexy eating instead.
He happens to have a silk scarf the same shade as the plum dress (LOL. Favorite character, really. That raggedy ass ho, The Plum Dress; her story is quite the tragedy.) and he uses it to blindfold Ana while he cooks for her and they once again set aside actual conversation. When Grey asks if she can see, she says no and “figuratively rolls her eyes.” LOLOLOL. WUT?
Lor: The best part is that he tells her that he can tell when she’s rolling her eyes. YOU CAN TELL WHEN SHE’S ROLLING HER EYES METAPHORICALLY WHICH ISN’T EVEN A THING, BUT IS SOME HOW A THING YOU CAN DETECT, GREY? OKAY. SURE.
Sweeney: Ana describes all of Grey’s movements in remarkable detail because of her amazing bat-like hearing skillz. Except, this is Ana so all of this is written as questions. Is that the toaster? Would he be making toast in the toaster? Grey also tells her to STFU and behave and not bite her lip, to remind us of what a catch he is.
My favorite sound is, of course, the “soft hiss of white noise” from those parseltongue speakers Grey has. AND THEN. And then. I had to read what follows like four times to make sure I understood it correctly. I think Grey is feeding Ana wine directly from his own mouth like she’s a drunk baby bird.
I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING, YOU GUYS. Here, just to double check with all of you that I’m not imagining this:
“A drink first, I think,” Christian whispers, diverting me from the song. “Head back.” I tip my head back. “Further,” he prompts.
I oblige, and his lips are on mine. Cool crisp wine flows into my mouth. I swallow reflexively.
Added laughs for her reflexive swallowing. Yes, Ana, that is a reflex that people have.
Lor: If someone drooled a gulp of wine into my mouth, I’d punch him in his entire mother fucking face. Sorry if backwash is a thing that gets you off but, EW.
Sweeney: Ew is right. I’m not really sorry if we are offending the backwash-loving crowd.
This keeps going, by the way, Grey getting his child bride drunk on his wine kisses. Ana makes no mention of the mess, but I can’t fathom this happening without wine getting all fucking over the place, so that’s how it’s happening in my head and it’s better that way.
Lor:
Sweeney: Thank you for that.
Boring stuff in which he feeds her with actual utensils. Ana asks about the blindfold several times, but she’s not allowed to take it off. Then it’s time for the playroom, if Ana’s up for it. Ana agrees, of course, because she has forgotten all about the fact that she needed to have a serious conversation about their relationship or the fact that Grey admitted to not having sex with her in the morning because he was afraid he’d hospitalize her.
He carries her into the Red Womb (because she’s a rag doll much like Aria) and once more comments on her weight loss. She remembers that he did this on their honeymoon as well and asks her self, “Was that just a week ago?” I died a little inside. I mean, again, Ana asking herself stupid questions, but also A WEEK. IT’S ONLY BEEN A WEEK. Also, the backwash booze moment was making me feel pretty good about this chapter and so I had lost sight of the fact that he was wearing his domestic violence jeans. I was all jolly and laughing at the bullshit and life was good! It’s my own fault, really.
Lor: It’s all the gifs we have going. They are very distracting.
Sweeney: As they enter the room, Ana notes how comforting all the clean smells are in there. It’s hard to imagine it smells all that clean, but I guess Mrs. Jones has the good sense to douse the room in antiseptic each time she enters. Ana thinks about how badly she wants this abuse sex. “I want to connect the way we know how.” Translation: I want to continue using sex to distract me from the fact that I’m in the worst marriage ever. (L: A+)
He takes of the scarf, though he says that he’s keeping the jeans on because they’re so hottttt, which I guess means that we’re really just focusing on Ana abuse here, if Grey’s going to remain naked-except-for-the-part-where-he’s-not. He handcuffs Ana to a cross of some sort that is in the Red Womb. I don’t recall hearing about this before, but that’s probably because I do my best to forget these chapters as soon as I’m done reading. Mostly, this just gives me squicktastic reminders of Theon tied to his torture cross. Now I just feel ill.
I get more LOLFOREVER moments in a second, though. Ana hears him going through the dresser-o-sex-toys and is trying to figure out which drawer he’s rummaging through: “The butt drawer? I have no idea.” This book. How can anyone even take the sex scenes seriously enough to get turned on by this?
Lor: Did you say butt drawer? Hawt.
Sweeney: I know. Anyway, Ana starts getting nervous, because she realized she’s strapped to a torture cross. That’s me answering for her. She actually just asks herself a million questions about why she feels uneasy. It’s the torture cross, girl.
His torture begins with some active nipple elongation. Ana doesn’t actually use the safe word but does say something to indicate that she’s not entirely into this and his response is:
“I know,” he murmurs his voice hoarse. “This is what you make me feel.”
Because deliberately making her uncomfortable is basically the same thing as the eight times where Ana pretended to have free will. He fingers her but stops when she’s about to orgasm, continuing his whole, “Neener, neener, now you’re frustrated too! LOL” bullshit. Then he starts that again with a vibrator. Ana’s doing a lot of nonsexual begging and whimpering the Grey mostly disregards. He keeps on doing his thing, repeating all of his illegitimate complaints, like how she disobeys him and changes her mind and shit.
Just to make sure we’re all on the same page, I’m not annoyed because this anticipation-sans-fulfillment business is somehow wrong or inappropriate in the bedroom. Cool. You do you. It’s that every single time these two have sex, Grey is using it as a means of controlling, manipulating, and/or punishing Ana’s behavior outside the bedroom and that’s ABSOLUTELY NOT OK. It’s been a few chapters since we’ve expressly reminded everyone of how ELJ conflates BDSM and abuse, but this is it. Right here. Whips and chains in the bedroom are your fucking prerogative if both parties are on board. However, when those whips and chains aren’t part of some sexual fantasy scenario, but a tool for behavior control, that is abuse. Period.
Like, an actual thing that happens in this scene is Ana begging him to stop and him responding as follows:
“Frustrating, yes?” he murmurs against my throat. “Just like you. Promising one thing and then . . .” His voice trails off.
During all of this, Ana’s internal monologue is about how badly she wants/needs him and she’s muttering prayers to herself. I want to do the other kind of laugh/cry when she’s all, “I can’t help but feel I’m being punished. I’m helpless and he’s ruthless.” YES. YOU ARE BEING PUNISHED. FOR NO FUCKING REASON. YOU’RE BEING PUNISHED BY YOUR TERRIBLE ABUSIVE HUSBAND.
Lor: The annoying thing about all these stupid questions she asks herself and all the vague observations she makes is that they are meant to dumb down the reader’s perception. Instead of saying, “he’s punishing me for doing something he didn’t want me to do,” we get, “it feels like maybe he’s punishing me.”
And then you tell people that this is abusive and they have the ground to say, “nuh-uh” and continue to be stupid, ignorant, toxic material tolerating jerks.
Sweeney: YES. THIS. EXACTLY. Again and again Ana is written as so inept as to justify how horrifying Grey is. BUT THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. This is still awful!
She’s about to cry as she realizes a milder version of what I just said. She looks away from him and thinks to herself, “This is not love. It’s revenge.” CORRECT. FACT. With that, she says the safe word. (Red. Like the womb.)
I almost feel like I should take back my previous rant because Christian does, in fact, stop and appear apologetic after she says the safe word, but at this point it’s too little too fucking late for acknowledging that actual abuse is happening. I stand by my rant more because of the “too little” than the “too late” because even in this ~*dramatic*~ scene ahead, neither of them actually acknowledges that ABUSE is the essence of what just happened.
As a case in point, after he apologizes, she turns to him and sobs “into his neck.” She asks him why he did that and he says he “got lost in the moment” though ELJ’s cheat narration tells us that not even Ana is convinced by that bullshit excuse.
She does, however, accept his follow-up: “Ana, orgasm denial is a standard tool in—You never—” With that, she apologizes to him! Yes, ANA APOLOGIZES TO HIM.
She starts getting dressed and is still on the verge of tears. She asks him to finish that statement – “I never what?” she asks. He repeats his “you never obey” grievances and Ana backs him into a corner in which he has to admit that yes, he did do that just to punish her. Her big standing up for herself moment after this admission of how TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE that was? “You have to stop doing this,” I murmur.
Lor: Where are all the mother fuckers who claim that Grey has changed in 2.5 books? Even Ana knows that he has to stop, meaning he hasn’t stopped, not at all, not one bit.
Sweeney: All the wretched assholes who defend this book on the grounds the Grey ~*changez 4 her!*~ can go fuck themselves. That’s it? 2.5 books of constant manipulation and abuse and when Ana has a rare lucid moment in which she acknowledges that they just hate not-exactly-consensual hatesex (you know, rape?) which Grey justifies because he was mad at her and all she can do is MURMUR that he should probably stop doing that? Nope. Not good enough. I will scream it from the fucking rooftops: FIFTY SHADES TRILOGY DEFENDERS ARE PROMOTING AND PERPETUATING RAPE CULTURE. End. of. story.
Lor:
Sweeney: That’s my new favorite mic drop gif. Awesome. I almost feel better now.
The conversation continues in this disappointing fashion, with them placating each other with bullshit. She never promised to obey him and would like to not be treated like a submissive and he’s all, “Yeah, yeah, sure, sure,” and her response is basically, “K, cool.”
They talk about the Jack situation some more and Ana once again decides that Grey’s status as an abusive bag of dicks is all out of love because he’s just so totes afraid for her safety! She then asks him to resume the conversation from before the sexy abuse times. She insists that she can handle it, because of her knowledge of guns, the time the GSP pulled a gun on her, and being harassed by Mrs. Rape. When you put it that way, Ana, I see how you are so adamant about staying in this relationship. -_-
Grey takes issue with Ana calling Mrs. Rape a pedophile, and Ana’s all, “Your mom thinks she’s a pedophile, too!” You know, because she is. Grey’s mad that she ever spoke to her mother about that.
Lor: Grey is mad when Ana speaks. Or knows things. Or has thoughts.
Sweeney: He asks if she discussed it with his father too, which is a chance for her to say no and think to herself about how she’s still offended that he told his mega rich son to get a prenup before marrying the girl he had known for two months. That asshole! Doubting the truth of their love!
Anyway, after chapters of nothingness happen (like the off-screen break in) ELJ dumps a whole lot of plot into one paragraph from Christian Grey. Jack was responsible for the helicopter failure; they’re now sure he was the arsonist; he got into the building legitimately by working for the moving company that moved the new neighbor in; after the break in they found a cargo van in the garage containing “A mattress, enough horse tranquilizer to take down a dozen horses, and a note,” made out to Christian Grey. Jack’s plan had been to kidnap Ana.
HOW DOES ELJ DO THIS? How did she manage to take a story with that much hypothetical plot and make it this fucking boring? This entire book is like someone is filming the a pile of rocks half a mile down the road from an epic, overdone train crash. (L: A FUCKING PLUS.) Yes, sure, the Jack plot is it’s own special kind of ridiculous and I envision that movie featuring special effects that would have made squigglywiggly Angel look brilliant, but that still would have been better than the pile of rocks we’re focusing on instead.
Anyway, back to the pile of rocks: one of the Jack-background-check facts is that he has some criminal charges in Detroit. They’re sure that’s the connection, though Ana doesn’t get why. This chapter’s curbhanger is: “Ana, I was born in Detroit.”
I’m too exhausted with all of this bullshit to spend too long dwelling on the fact that Ana doesn’t know a basic fact like where her husband was born. I guess that’s what happens when you get married after knowing each other for 8 seconds? Not sure.
Whisper Count – 23
Murmur Count – 19
Favorite comment last post: I am sad for the people who read this and think it’s romantic. I am sadder for the partners of the women who ask them to role play (and they do, god help us, they do) so they, too can feel “cherished.” On the other hand, I secretly wish that said partners would read this aloud and say “The part where I threaten to beat you senseless, or the part where I rape you, or the part where I control everything you do and restrict you from seeing your friends? Which of these things are a turn on for you? I need to know, so I can explain it to the therapist. You’re booked for Monday. Don’t want to go? Here’s my first and last Christian Grey moment: you don’t have a fucking choice.” – Reba
(People’s choice award, yo!)
Next time: Find out how ELJ adds horrifying associations to another American city, as we learn why Detroit is the murderapist producing capital of the world on Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 12.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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