Previously: We vlogged the mid-way point of the book, in which E.L. James called Christian MF Grey the cure for MF cancer.
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Lorraine: We haven’t written a Fifty Shades post in two weeks, but it really seems like ages since we last took rage to screen. No worries, though. This crap is like riding a bike. I already feel my fingers reaching for the capslock key.
We start the chapter with everyone in the restaurant staring at Kate, because if you’ll recall, Elliot just proposed to her. We’re supposed to be freaking out about what Kate will answer, I guess, but let’s be honest:
Sweeney: I give no fucks about Kate’s potential engagement, but I give many about what a delightful no-fucks-given gif that is. Nice Tumblr searching, girl
Anyway, I also want to point out that Ana says the entire restaurant is “waiting with bated breath as one.” LOL, because I imagine the people at this restaurant give about the same number of fucks as we do. Elliot also produces the ring from his pocket, because all the Greys have little factories in their pants.
Lor: That’s probably why they are all staring. They hear the tinkering noises coming from his pockets.
Ana, of course, has a huge problem with this proposal. She describes the entire atmosphere as, “oppressive, apprehensive, and yet hopeful.” Only Anastasia Steele would consider describing a PROPOSAL as oppressive and then immediately follow that up with, “yet hopeful.”
Kate says yes and soon the entire restaurant is whooping and applauding. Elliot gives Kate her ring, and Ana finally pieces together that Evil Gia was just helping Elliot pick out a ring we she saw them in town. Grey orders bottle of Cristal for the table and Ana teases him for his specifically ordering the 2002. Somehow this turns into oral sex jokes, and Ana blushes scarlet.
Everyone takes turns hugging and congratulating Kate and Elliot. Grey tells Kate that he hopes her marriage is as happy as his, which is like the worst freakin’ marriage wish I’ve ever heard. I’m reserving that for my worst enemies: I HOPE YOU HAVE A MARRIAGE AS HAPPY AS CHRISTIAN GREY’S.
Sweeney: Also, Christian Grey totally hates Kate! Granted, I base this less on his actual words/actions than on the cheater narration which constantly points out his narrowing eyes and stiffening because Ana says he hates her. Clearly even Christian Grey knows what a burn that is.
Lor: As they sip their rich people champagne, Mia gets super excited and wants to know what they are going to do next, because she wants to go clubbing. Grey asks the newly engaged couple what they would like to do. Elliot shrugs and apparently, Kate is being really obvious about her “carnal intent toward her fiance.” Remember a second ago, when Ana was thinking about sex and she “blushed scarlet?” Well, now, Kate is thinking about sex (as far as we know through cheater narration) and she “turns puce.” She doesn’t blush or flush or flutter or anything, like super beautiful and sexual Ana Steele. When Kate, that dirty whore slut, thinks about sex, she turns a dark red, purple, brown color named after flea shit.
EL James hates women.
Sweeney:
If ever a misogynist there was…
Lor: After a line break, we’re at a club named Zax. According to Ana, she’s had two glasses of Cristal and several glasses of Pouilly-Fume, and she’s just now starting to feel “fuzzy.” Her baby that she’s definitely pregnant with thanks her kindly.
“Mr. Grey, welcome back,” says a very attractive, leggy blonde in black satin hot pants, matching sleeveless shirt, and a little red bow tie. She smiles broadly, revealing perfect all-American teeth between scarlet lips that match her bow tie.”
She has… all-American… teeth? Are they encrusted with little American flags? Anyone?
A young man dressed entirely in black, fortunately not satin, smiles as he offers to take my coat. His dark eyes are warm and inviting. I am the only one wearing a coat- Christian insisted I take Mia’s trench coat to cover my behind- so Max has to deal only with me.
“Nice coat,” he says, gazing at me intently.
Beside me, Christian bristles and fixes Max with a back-off-now glare. He reddens and quickly hands Christian my coat check ticket.
You two, calm down. Maybe Max is only staring because Ana is the only person wearing a trench coat in August. It’s obviously warm enough for everyone not in an abusive relationship to wander around uncovered just fine.
All-American Teeth leads them back to their VIP seating, supposedly flirting with Christian on the way, so Ana has an excuse to grip him. Once seated, Ana gushes over Kate’s ring, and Elliot tries to say Grey doesn’t have to pick up this tab as well since he paid for dinner, but he waves him off.
“I gaze at him lovingly. My Fifty Shades… always in control.“
Ah, yes. The compulsive need to control all things. How lovable.
I’m really, really, really over the way that random people the Greys interact with ALWAYS flirt with them. Or, like look or smile at them, and Ana registers it all as flirting. Their waitress smiles at Grey after she takes their order, PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE WANTS A GOOD TIP, DAMMIT. PEOPLE SMILE AND ARE POLITE.
Sweeney: NOPE. NOT POSSIBLE. THESE TWO HORRIBLE SPECIMENS ARE THE MOST FUCKABLE PEOPLE EVAAAA.
Lor: Right, right. She’s flirting with Grey and Ana gives a whole spiel about how she’s almost getting used to all the women ever wanting her husband.
The waitress brings back their drinks and Grey orders Ana to drink a glass of water, because she’s had, “three glasses of white wine at dinner and two of champagne, after a strawberry daiquiri and two glasses of Frascati at lunchtime.” And homegirl is just “fuzzy?” LOL. Right.
“Taking the glass of water, I down it in a most unladylike manner to register my protest at being told what to do…again. I wipe my hand across the back of my mouth.“
“I wipe my hand across the back of my mouth.” I’d tell you guys to try that at home, but I don’t want to be responsible for anyone choking on their own hand.
Sweeney: We don’t have the Monopoly money for those legal fees.
Lor: Mia comes over and invites the girls to dance. Kate stands up and asks Elliot if he’s coming, and Elliot says he’d rather watch, and smiles at her sexily. Ana’s all, “oh! That’s fun,” and tries this on her husband.
“I’m going to burn some calories,” I say, and leaning down I whisper in Christian’s ear, “You can watch me.”
“Don’t bend over,” he growls.“
You tried, Ana. You tried.
The girls head off to the dance floor and soon Ana actually starts having a good time! Who knew dancing would be fun?
“Why did I spend the first twenty years of my life not doing this? I chose reading over dancing. Jane Austen didn’t have great music to move to and Thomas Hardy… jeez, he’d have felt guilty as sin that he wasn’t dancing with his first wife. I giggle at the thought.”
Jane Austen wrote quite a lot about dancing, and it was often featured in her stories because music and dancing were a big part of the social interactions of the era. And who were the musicians playing less than “great music” during Jane Austen’s life time? Well, Beethoven and Mozart for starters…
I hate Ana. And I typed that even before she declares that suddenly enjoying dancing is all thanks to Grey, who has given her confidence in her own body.
Sweeney: LOLOLOL RIGHT! All the “confidence” he gave her by telling her how/when/what to eat and ordering her to a personal trainer and making all of her medical decisions for her. Ana “confidence” isn’t the same thing as, “realizing I’ll never have to make my own decisions about my body ever again!” It’s OK, girl — it’s super easy for victims of abuse to get those mixed up.
Lor: Suddenly, Ana feels hands on her hips, and she assumes it’s Christian, so she wiggles up against him. This dude squeezes her ass. Mia gives her a horrified face, so Ana turns around and finds that it’s some random stranger. Ana yells at and slaps the strange man then shows him her marriage rings. “I’m married, you asshole!”
Yeah! She’s married, asshole! Go sexually assault someone who isn’t owned and bound by marriage! Those whores are fair game.
Of course, Christian Grey appears one second later to punch the guy for good measure. Ana freaks out a little bit, because she can see the murder in Grey’s eyes. The strange guy just gets up and leaves, though, because even the most creepy half of the population knows that when you see murder in someone’s eyes, you run the hell away. Only Ana sticks around, really.
“I have never slapped anyone before. What possessed me? Touching me wasn’t the worst crime against humanity? Was it?
Yet deep down I know why I hit him. It’s because I instinctively knew how Christian would react seeing some stranger pawing at me. I knew he’d lose his precious self control. And the thought that some stupid nobody could derail my husband, my love, well, it makes me mad. Really mad.”
(1) – “Worst crime against humanity.” LOL.
(2) –
She slapped the guy who groped her ass, BECAUSE SHE KNEW IT WOULD UPSET HER HUSBAND. Not because he invaded her space or because she was upset at being touched in a manner in which she did not want to be touched, but because she was upset that her husband would be upset by the action.
RIGHT.
Sweeney: I CAN’T FUCKING EVEN WITH THIS BITCH. ELJ IS THE WORST FOREVER. I just tried to type something more articulate than that, but it was basically just a lot of: “lajsdlkfj…”
Lor: Ana tries to get Grey to calm down and focus, so she begs him to dance. He’s stiff and angry still, so he like, pins her hands back behind her back and dances aggressively with Ana? IDK. I’m not sure how he’s managing to make dancing murderous, but it’s happening. Soon, though, he starts to relax, and they dance sensually, though we aren’t described anything in detail. EL James just tells us that it’s sexual and graceful, and what’s more, Ana is made graceful, sexual and lovable all because of her relationship with her man. Before she was a klutz, a slut and worth nothing. Get you a man, girls! Quickly!
After their dancing, Ana’s tired and she wants to go home. Kate and Elliot decide to join them. Kate states the obvious about how hot-headed Grey is, but congratulates Ana on “handling” her husband well. Ana is all, “man, do I handle Christian?” Considering that you slapped a guy in honor of your husband’s rage and then had to withstand dance abuse so that he’d calm down? Yeaaaaah, I’d say you certainly try.
Ana falls asleep on the way back home, and then when they get there, Grey undresses her and makes super romantic comments about how he prefers her without make-up. Ana notes that Grey was very mad, though he says that he wasn’t mad at her. “Not mad at me. This is progress.” Aw, yeah! I see it now! People did say Grey gets SO MUCH BETTER in book three, and here he is, finally NOT blaming Ana for things that other people do to her.
Grey knows Ana’s too tired for sex, so he just commands her to sleep. She drifts off thinking about all this progress her husband has made. I guess, when you’re Ana Steele, every day you end not murdered is a celebration.
Murmur Count – 5
Whisper Count – 7
Next time: Ana and Grey play with some reluctance fantasies, and it’s hilarious because reluctance is what their relationship is based on. Laugh along in Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 15.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
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