Previously: The GSP came to visit Ana because she wanted to tell Christian Grey how grateful she is for everything he did for her. Like, you know, paying for the years of therapy he forced her into needing.
—
Sweeney: As usual, we begin exactly where the previous chapter ends, because these books each span approximately 72 hours. Ana is still on the phone with Josecob’s dad and mostly because I’m always looking for a good excuse to procrastinate while doing these posts, I started looking up Jacob’s dad in Twilight. (Google wasn’t sure if I wanted “Twilight” or “The Bible.”) When I asked Google for a gif of Billy Black, I found this:
Lorraine: I thought I would never again be appalled by something someone made. I stand corrected.
Sweeney: This is the internet, Lor. The possibilities are endless! I don’t really know where I was going with all of that. I just wanted to have Billy Black on hand, in case I could find a way to work him into this chapter. So now I have.
Anyway, Billy Black Mr. Rodriguez was driving with Ray, Ana’s stepfather, and they got into a car accident. Ray was airlifted to a hospital in Portland. Ana picks up the phone to call someone named Jerry and maybe I just haven’t been paying attention, but I have no idea who Jerry is, except he tells her to, “Go” when she explains that her father is in the hospital, so I guess it’s her boss? But isn’t Grey giving her the company or some such bullshit? Or, at the very least, isn’t it now known that she’s married to the boss’s boss’s boss? Whatever.
She tells her assistant to cancel all of her appointments for the day and runs off. Body Guard Sawyer “leaps to his feet” when she reaches reception.
I didn’t realize the body guards were allowed to be all the way in reception! Think of all! the! danger! in the hallway between Ana’s office and the reception area! (I bet Sawyer’s wishing he could be off wherever Prescott is, as she’s the one who is actually leaping like Zac Efron in High School Musical 2.)
Because of “plot,” Ana calls Grey from the car and he has left his Blackberry with his assistant because he has been known to “wander off.” A few thoughts:
(1) We really should have kept track of the number of times that people not having their cell phones with them has been used as a plot device in this story.
(2) This whole thing is kind of a hilarious Blackberry advertisement. Meanwhile, in Waterloo, ON, everybody’s all like, “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO OUR STRUGGLING BRAND?”
(3) One of the few consistent character points in this book is that Christian Grey is purposeful (usually purposefully raping, but I digress.) This new characterization as one who is known to wander off is kind of hilarious. It makes him seem more like a creepy old man.
This is great in light of last week’s comments about the pedobear analogy. (Because Traumaland has it’s own chapter of the Pedobear Society.)
Lor: As long as we’re doing lists, here’s what I have to say about this whole chapter opener.
(1) – We get this whole conversation with Grey’s assistant, and him wandering off FOR FUCKING NOTHING. The next page, Grey just calls her back, and the entire thing is so absolutely pointless in this big, giant book of pointless nothings, that it hurts.
(2) – Ana, in the middle of informing Grey that her father has been air lifted to a hospital, starts to worry about Grey flying his helicopter to come meet her in Portland. What was it, like a good page and a half Ana lasted worrying about someone other than Grey? AMAZING.
(3) – Weirdly, and again in the middle of all this crisis, Grey mentions that he’s doing business with the Taiwanese. Just, you know, in case we were wondering what Grey’s up to.
Sweeney: I love our lists. Also, for our readers: when I emailed Lor that this draft was done, I noted that the draft was pretty short because this chapter was so insanely boring that I skipped a lot of things. The gaps Lor has just filled in comprise 3-4 full pages of this chapter.
They get to the hospital and Sawyer continues with his cool leaping routine. Ana has an unimportant conversation with someone at the hospital confirming that Ray is there and no, they don’t know how he’s doing just yet. She goes to the waiting room and finds Billy Black Mr. Rodriguez.
Lor: He’s in a wheelchair! But, because he broke his ankle. See? DIFFERENT BOOK.
Sweeney: Josecob is there too and they hug and then Sawyer comes in and clears his throat and stuff, probably because he doesn’t want to be ordered to murder anyone today.
Josecob recaps, because he was there too. The guys were going on a fishing trip and got hit by a drunk driver. Billy Black keeps apologizing and Josecob speaks to him in Spanish, because this is a Totally! Different! Book! from that other one it stole from, so there are no Quileute people to see here! Look at these Spanish words I found in Google Translate!
I’m also embarrassed to catch the reference point in that Ana is super cold and Josecob is able to give her his jacket for warmth. If you made good choices with your life and didn’t read Twilight, then you won’t know that Bella mentions all! the! time! that Jacob is warm and Edward is cold.
Lor: Isn’t it fantastic that Josecob is like the best guy ever in these books, and really, this entire ordeal was an indirect result of him nearly date raping Ana? GOOD TIMES.
Sweeney: That’s why he didn’t get the girl – lack of follow-through. Sorry, I need to go weep for humanity now.
Then it’s lots of boring waiting room stuff told in annoying detail without an actual emotional resonance. Ana drinks tea and, NATURALLY, associates this waiting period with the time that Christian Grey’s helicopter disappeared.
Lor: I’m so amused by how useless this all is. Sawyer brings Ana hot water and a tea bag, and she thinks, “he knows how I drink my tea!” WTF? With hot water and a tea bag? What’s going on here? Ana thinks these things while waiting for her father in the OR: My tea is poor people, nasty tea! I hope Grey is okay! My tea is cold.
MEANWHILE, RAY COULD BE DYING.
Sweeney: Somewhere in there we also learn that Josecob’s father is also named Jose(cob). After choosing the most hilariously stereotypical Hispanic name imaginable for Jacob, it’s not really surprising that she couldn’t be bothered to come up with another one for Billy, but it’s also pretty hilarious. I will now refer to him as Josecob Sr.
Anyway, Christian Grey eventually shows up and is predictably annoyed that his wife was holding Josecob’s hand, because OMG SCANDALOUS. (L: Meanwhile, Ray could be DYING.) He doesn’t actually fight with her about it then and there, but I won’t be surprised if this comes up again later. Someone appears to say that Ray is still in critical condition and is being held in a coma for a while.
Lor: The doctor refers to Ana as “Miss Steele,” and Grey jumps and corrects him. “Mrs. Grey.” SHUT UP CHRISTIAN. HER FATHER COULD BE DYING.
What the fuck is this chapter?
Sweeney: What the fuck is this book, really. But yeah, I wasn’t even sure what to focus on here, because everything that’s happening is so entirely pointless!
Anyway, that’s Josecob’s cue to take his dad to go rest, promising to return later to find out what’s going on. Basically, ELJ was all, “That’s quite enough of people who aren’t Ana/Christian for now!” Just for good measure, Grey has Sawyer drive the Josecobs home.
Lor: And just so we’re super clear that Grey is here now, and other humans must turn and flee, Ana even gives Josecob his jacket back, because God forbid she warm herself with the cloth of another man! Josecob’s all, “but you are cold. Keep it.” and Ana just looks at Grey nervously, and hands it back anyways. I’m sure there is a chapter in the Good Abuse Victim’s Guide all about how hypothermia is greater than displeasing your abuser. Something like that.
Sweeney: YAR. Sorry. I was just going to gloss over the pointless dialogue that Ana and Christian have, but Christian Grey describes Charlie Tango as “Yar.” We’ve mentioned this before, but “fifty shades yar” is a popular Google search that leads people to us. It’s a line from The Philadelphia Story and it means that the ride was good and that ELJ has ruined another thing. Sorry Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn.
Lor: This is so fucking awkward. Dear Google searchers: you want to know what yar means in Fifty Shades? It means that EL James is now giving less fucks than ever, and wrote in some small talk about watching a movie and making out approximately 60 seconds after Ana found out her father’s brain was possibly scrambled in an accident.
AND THEN. And then! They start chatting about Grey’s meeting with the Taiwanese. Apparently he’s bought a ship yard there, and is intending to move the ship building portion of his Domestic Violence Emporium to Taiwan. Ana asks him about all the workers here in the US and then he just casually mentions that they’ll redeploy and keep redundancies at a minimum.
ARE THESE ASSHOLES SMALL TALKING ABOUT LAYING PEOPLE OFF IN THE OR WAITING ROOM?
I just hate them.
Sweeney: THEY ARE JUST TWO USELESS PEOPLE SITTING AROUND EXCHANGING USELESS INFORMATION ABOUT THEIR OVERALL USELESSNESS.
Eventually they get to go see Ray, and it’s more of ELJ’s pathetic attempts at delivering an emotional scene. Hospital monitors and the like. OF FUCKING COURSE, the nurse is in her mid-twenties and after doing her job of telling Ana about her father’s status, will take a moment to gape at Christian Grey and think about fucking him. Because obviously.
Grey leaves to take a call, and even when Ana’s chatting with her comatose father, she’s thinking of Christian Grey, because she fucking sucks. (L: Meanwhile, Ray could be DYING.) Grey comes back in and I guess he’s going fishing with the guys if Ray wakes up from his coma? I don’t know. This bit was weird. Also, Christian Grey decides it’s time to go check into a nearby hotel.
Said hotel turns out to be the one they spent their first night together in. I wasn’t reading at that point in time, so I don’t have any comments on this reference, except continued eye rolling.
Lor: Allow me to remind everyone, then: Grey tracked Ana’s cell phone, found her drunk at a bar, kidnapped her while she was unconscious, put her up in his hotel room, undressed her while she was still passed out, slept next to her, and then later admitted that he spent much of the night watching her sleep.
Welcome back to the Heathman, girlfriend!
Sweeney: Such dreamy memories! I understand why she’s so excited now!
They take a bath together and Ana asks questions about the GSP. He gave the paintings to Elliot, who Grey says has no taste, just to remind us that he hates Ana’s best friend for all of those times she encourages Ana to be her own human being.
Lor: Ana also asks if Grey was supporting any of his ex-submissives, which is a fair question considering that (1) – Ana isn’t even allowed to hold the hand of her once best friend in times of crisis and (2) – Grey makes a BFD about how his money is now their money, except for when it’s his money he’s using to pay off his ex-girlfriends.
Anyways, the answer is that yes, he was putting on of the Sub Club through med school, but isn’t anymore because she graduated, found her own way in the world, and is a young, independent woman, doing it for herself.
JUST KIDDING. SHE GRADUATED AND FOUND ANOTHER MAN.
Sweeney: Another dominant, too! Yaaaaay!
They go back to the hospital and Josecob is just leaving. He wasn’t allowed to see Ray as he’s not next of kin. There are several reminders that Ana’s birthday is the next day, which, uh, hooray for you, Lor! I’m sure the next chapter has lots of thinking-about-my-comatose-dad-birthday-sex!
Lor: -_-
Sweeney: Mama Grey also comes to see Ray in the hospital, which means that the return visit to the hospital is also kept short, what with the inclusion of characters beyond Ana and Christian. Back at their hotel they go to bed and Christian makes her promise to eat something the next day because “he can just about tolerate her wearing another man’s jacket without frothing at the mouth” if she does. Ana’s reaction to this comment is to smile and think about HOW FAR THEY’VE COME.
This bitch.
Fortunately, the chapter is over.
Whisper Count – 14
Murmur Count – 12
Favorite comment last post: “If you are too stupid to recognize that your SO is treating you as dismissively as he treated his exes, especially when he is actively dismissing his ex at that very moment, then I have absolutely no idea how you even manage to dress and feed yourself. Oh, wait, she doesn’t, really. There is no word for how much I hate this series, this author, these characters, the people who made it a best seller. I need to make up a new word. Got it: this book is despicatonomically bad.” -Reba
Next time : Find out all the things Grey gives Ana for her depressingly close to Lorraine’s birthday in Fifty Shades Freed Chapter 18!
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
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